So you’ve moved out of your family home in Westchester and are starting your first undergraduate semester at Columbia in the big city. What kind of music should you let your entire personality be shaped and molded by? There are so many pretentious artists to choose from, and not all of them will reflect your newfound depth and inherent urban intrigue. Not to worry, because we already know you’re about to get really into Vampire Weekend, and we’ve taken the liberty of ranking some of their songs based on one extremely relevant metric: how much generational wealth practically seeps from their every note. Use this list as a handy guide and you’ll be sure to impress those spoiled Ivy Leaguers. (Listen along to the playlist, click here)
25. “This Life”
Now, this track is one of the band’s most popular, but it’s a little bit of a “starter pack” in a way. It’s probably one of their most #relatable numbers – a little Van Morrison, a little Paul Simon. A track about how strange the world can really be and the complex morality of human beings is not going to earn you that coveted social elite status. It’s a tune you can get up and dance to, but it’s also not necessarily going to impress your new friends. If you want that true preppy New England sound, you’re going to have to dig just a little deeper.
24. “Unbelievers”
Another of the group’s most well-known songs, “Unbelievers” tackles weighty themes of religion and what our beliefs say about us as people. Boring! You didn’t get into this band for deep examinations of the soul, damn it! You just want to look cool in your untucked button-up shirt and cashmere sweater! The track does feature the use of a few niche instruments, though, such as the “flistle” during the bridge, so that may net you at least a point or two with the wealthy elites.
23. “Stranger”
The second track so far on this list from Vampire Weekend’s 2019 album “Father of the Bride,” “Stranger” features hopping pianos and the rhythmic strumming of an acoustic guitar. Its lyrics are all about growing into adulthood and finding a place where you truly belong, and all of the inner warmth and good feelings that come with that. But you’re not quite at that stage of life, yet, are you? It’s not exactly a song that’s oozing with pretentious vocabulary or perspective, and a sense of belonging? It’s too cheesy for the people you’re trying to impress.
22. “Holiday”
At first, the upbeat ska drums on this track off of the 2010 album “Contra” might make you think, “Finally! This is more what I’ve been looking for! A cool and nonchalant display of my excellent taste in indie rock and my status as a member of the 1%!” Then, midway through, the tempo changes a bit and you realize the joke’s on you because the song is actually a nuanced commentary on the American invasion of Iraq and the war that served as the backdrop to most of your childhood. Whoopsie daisy! Wouldn’t want to get too political immediately on the quad; you never know who in your new social circle is a secret Republican.
21. “Sunflower”
A song about a sunflower growing in a garden that may or may not be a metaphor for religious faith (a recurring theme throughout the band’s discography), “Sunflower” is pretty far down on the scale of “how rich does this song sound?” The only thing I could really even point to here is some occasional scatting, but even then, said “scatting” is on-beat and doesn’t defect from that classic VW sound. Still enjoyable to your new Columbia peers, I’m sure, but not exactly the type of prep that you’re looking for. Steve Lacy on guitar might net you some extra points, though.
20. “Everlasting Arms”
“Modern Vampires of the City” focuses a lot on religion, and this track is no exception, with Ezra Koenig questioning his relationship to God and his own free will in the absence of any formal system of beliefs. Not really a “rich kid” kinda vibe on this one. However, the opening lyrics are “I took your counsel and came to ruin,” which sounds like it comes from the mouth of someone who’s at least pretty well-educated, or maybe a 15th-century English king.
19. “Capricorn”
The Vampire Weekend train is still chugging along, with their latest album “Only God Was Above Us” having been released just last year. Unfortunately for you, the prominent track “Capricorn” is mainly about struggling with aging and finding one’s “place” in life, discarding the pursuit of wealth. All you know is that your place is amongst that acerbic Ivy League crowd, and if you tell them that this one’s your favorite, they may peg you as a recent bandwagon fan.
18. “Unbearably White”
Despite its title, which may incline some to think this is the richest and preppiest track of them all, “Unbearably White” focuses on a relationship that’s going downhill, with casual bass and guitar plucking away in the background. Dammit! You thought that this one was a shoe-in. But it’s just Ezra and the gang being entirely self-aware of their reputation within the industry.
17. “Obvious Bicycle”
One of the slower-paced tracks on “Modern Vampires,” “Obvious Bicycle” paints a picture of a seemingly-worthless man who’s become disillusioned with his life. It wouldn’t be a VW track without some references to money, and the narrator instructs the man not to forget “the rich ones who were kind,” but overall the track is about shedding the things and the people that have been holding you back. Perhaps a tad too heady or self-reflective for some of your new peers.
16. “Harmony Hall”
With its opening acoustic guitar plucking which soon gives way to an upbeat piano riff, “Harmony Hall” was the first single off of “Father of the Bride” and remains one of VW’s most popular. Ezra croons “Beneath these velvet gloves I hide the shameful crooked hands of a money-lender,” alluding to the disguises that people in upper-class society use on a daily basis – and that’s exactly what you’re trying to do by getting into this band! Yay for disguising your true self with the trappings of wealth! That puts this track smack dab in the middle of our ranking.
15. “A-Punk”
“A-Punk” is a weird one. The band’s most popular track, the one everyone knows. “Step Brothers,” every high school party you’ve ever been to. It’s so popular that even people who don’t know Vampire Weekend by name would recognize it if you played it for them. It certainly won’t impress your Ivy Leaguers who have been on the VW wave for years and years, but between Ezra’s fast-paced, breathy delivery of the lyrics, as well as the woodwind instruments and hollow drums that pop up during the pre-chorus, there’s still a healthy amount of that early Vampire preppiness to be found here. Imagery of a man seeking “exotica,” a broken wedding ring, and references to Greek mythology – this track has it all, baby!
14. “Campus”
Now this one is a sure-fire hit: it’s all about Columbia University itself! And who attends Columbia? The exact type of WASP that you’re trying to make it big with (as well as the band themselves, of course.) It also equates a “cruel professor, studying romances” to perhaps an ex-lover…stuck-up academics rejoice, this is the song for you!
13. “Mary Boone”
This song finds inspiration in the New York art scene and contains references to so many specific people that you’d practically have to work in the art world to know them. It contains themes of wealth, financial inflation, and living in the Greatest City in the World. Additionally, there’s a ‘90s-esque boom-bap beat that pops in occasionally, flitted over by bouts of sharp piano. These are all tell-tale indicators of the wealthy taking ‘inspiration’ from those without means. Perfect for your new social circle!
12. “Cousins”
Ironically, despite its attempts to dissuade people from thinking Ezra and Vampire Weekend are preppy rich kids, the fast-paced drums and multiple guitar riffs, as well as lyrics about the struggles of previous generations and how the rich stay rich by being friends with the rich only highlight said preppiness. This song not only allows rich kids to cosplay as indie rock aficionados, but it’s also from far enough back in the band’s discography that you might come off as a “real fan.”
11. “Diane Young”
Despite its upbeat tempo, “Diane Young” is about death (as its title, a play on ‘dyin’ young’, suggests). Neat! That’s exactly the sort of dour subject that Columbia undergrads go nuts for. More specifically, there are references here to a film by Jean-Luc Godard, something only the wealthiest of the wealthy would watch, much less hear about. Add in some vocal distortion on the bridge, manic drums, and lyrics that point to sports like golf and horse racing, and we’ve got ourselves a winner, folks!
10. “Hannah Hunt”
The staccato piano immediately lets listeners know what they’re in for on this track. Ezra Koenig paints a picture of a couple on a country-wide road trip “from Providence to Phoenix,” and states in the chorus “Though we live on the U.S. dollar, you and me, we got our own sense of time.” What a luxury! Who can afford to be taking long cross-country trips and letting the days slip away from them like that? Not many people, that’s for sure.
9. “Diplomat’s Son”
A coming out story / gay romance inspired by a short story centering around two competitive prep-school students. Ah, it doesn’t get any more Vampire Weekend than that. Even the title of the track evokes a tax bracket that most of us will never see: the offspring of an important government official. While this song may be more about the love story than the pomp and circumstance, it’s enough of a deep cut from the band that it should net you a nod of approval or two.
8. “Horchata”
This song begins by rhyming “horchata” with “Balaklava.” I feel like I don’t even really need to say anything else, here…but if I were to, I’d probably point out that the song was “influenced” by rap, something that white kids from Connecticut have been trying to do for years and spectacularly failing at. This one may get you with the Columbia in-crowd a little more as “Contra” is widely considered to be the band’s most underrated album, too.
7. “M79”
Now I know what you’re thinking. How could this one be generational wealth-coded? It’s a song about a damn public bus service through Manhattan, for Christ’s sake! What’s more “of the people” than public transportation? But that’s where you’d be wrong, because as soon as you hear that orchestra in the background and realize that the M79 is traveling from the Upper West Side to the Upper East Side, a clearer picture begins to form: a picture of WASPs who still rule the goddamn world, baby. Plus, references to Jackson Crowter and the Khyber Pass? You practically have to be born rich to know either of those.
6. “Classical”
Ah, a song about how wealthy elites around the globe have maintained power for generations by dodging military service and rewriting history so that their actions appear morally good, even in times of war – just the sort of tradition that you’re interested in keeping up! This one will be a modern classic for your wealthy friends…or even, classical.
5. “Step”
Come on, now. What other songs do you know that reference places like “Mechanicsburg, Anchorage, and Dar es-Salaam”? Combine that with Vampire Weekend’s signature string-and-piano-centric production from our good friend Rostam and tack on some lyrics about your girl being in Berkeley with a communist reader, and a picture is painted of a wealthy college graduate slumming it with the poors, perhaps reading theory in her spare time.
4. “Rich Man”
With string interludes that sound like a waltz around a grand ballroom, as well as the goddamn track title, this is one of those songs that exudes pomp and poshness. Ezra sings about being the one satisfied rich man in a million, per an old saying, and if that doesn’t sum it up, I don’t know what does! The song’s structure also comes off like a poem, which may please the more humanities-oriented friends in your social circle.
3. “Prep-School Gangsters”
Another selection off of Vampire Weekend’s most recent album, “Only God Was Above Us,” this song is quite literally about generational wealth and the bullying that upper-clas kids inflict on their middle-and-lower-class peers. But your peers won’t really care about that, because they’re the ones who did the bullying and they’re not listening to the lyrics in these songs, anyway! They just want that catchy guitar and soothing Ezra Koenig falsetto, and with a track title like this, it’s sure to be up their alley.
2. “Oxford Comma”
This is a song about grammar. Grammar! It doesn’t get much more wealthy than that. As a bonus, it was conceived while Ezra Keonig was teaching English at a school in Brooklyn. There are even references to Columbia University itself here and the group “Students for the Preservation of the Oxford Comma,” which, as Ezra himself posits, nobody really gives a fuck about. But whip out this bad boy in a social setting and you’re bound to impress your more diction-and-syntax-inclined classmates.
1. “Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa”
It doesn’t get much more Trust Fund than this. This combination of words could only have been dreamt up by an Ivy League quartet with a little too much free time and a little too much Paul Simon on in the background. The bongo drums and lyrics depicting a young girl growing up on the shores of Massachusetts, like “As a young girl, Louis Vuitton…” just radiate an inescapable Daddy’s Money aura. If you’re looking for THE sweater-vest-Hamptons-summer-borderline-appropriation Vampire Weekend track, the one that will not only impress your new friends but convince them that you come from the “appropriate” background, look no further.
Little-known fact: Pookie was in the Weather Underground back in the day. She didn’t just support unions—she terrorized their enemies. If a corporation had unethical working conditions, you could bet Gertie was sending them a “care package” that ticked. Now in her golden years, she’s mellowed out… but only slightly. She’s still the type to chain herself to a bulldozer while shouting, “POWER TO THE WORKERS!”
His name is Marty Green, and he grew up going to Mets games with Bernie Sanders, swearing that Bernie stole his lucky foam finger in 1978. Marty gambles on everything from horses to slot machines in his free time. He hosts goat roasts with his butcher union buddies, where they chant, “Meat for the people!” He’s the guy who’ll throw the first punch at a scab and the first dollar on a bar bet about it afterward.
Overshadowed by her overachieving older sister, Helga channels her unresolved daddy issues into pure, chaotic union energy. Sure, she’s probably pro-union just to spite Big Bob, but she’s also the first to grab a megaphone and scream, “DOWN WITH BOOTLICKERS!” at scabs. Helga doesn’t just support the cause—she weaponizes it. If you’re not pulling your weight on the picket line, she’ll verbally eviscerate you, and honestly? We love that.
Mr. Simmons is surprisingly hardcore when it comes to unions. He’ll show up to the picket line with a tray of cookies and a megaphone, shouting, “A FAIR CONTRACT IS THE SWEETEST TREAT!” Don’t let the cardigans fool you—he’s the guy who’ll stay up all night making protest signs and leading chants like, “No raises? No way, sir!” while handing out motivational pamphlets titled “Collective Bargaining and You!”
Without the local 768 Demolition Union, Ernie’s life wouldn’t burn so bright—literally. When management doesn’t budge, he rallies the crew with lines like, “Nice office you got there—would be a shame if a wrecking ball forgot where to stop.” He once organized a strike by parking a bulldozer on the boss’s front lawn with a sign that read, “PAY UP OR WE DIG POOLS.” For Ernie, union meetings are just as much about contracts as they are about creative intimidation.
Dino Spumoni used to sing at union meetings where Jimmy Hoffa spoke, crooning hits like “Solidarity Swing” and “Pensions and Passion.” He knows exactly what happened to Hoffa, but whenever someone asks, he smirks, lights a cigar, and says, “Kid, some songs are better left unsung.”
C’mon now. Sheena writes songs about the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire and performs them on her ukulele at every union meeting. She’s so pro-worker it’s almost performative, but her heartfelt ballads about workplace safety have made a few CEOs cry.
Classic bleeding-heart liberal or fighter for the working man? Eugene is both. He became an avid supporter of unions after his first (of many) worker’s comp claims. Whether tripping over the picket line or getting tangled in a “UNION STRONG” banner, he’s always there—slightly bruised but unwavering in his support.
Long isolated from the working man’s world, the Pigeon Man doesn’t just hate capitalism—he hates humanity in general. He trains his pigeons to deliver “surprise packages” to corporate offices, not in support of unions, but simply because chaos brings him joy. Strikes and scabs mean nothing to him—he just wants to watch the world burn, one bird dropping at a time.
He hates the snow, he hates the rain, he hates the sleet—but what Harvey hates most is corporate greed. He’s fiercely pro-union, the kind of guy who’ll show up to the picket line at 5 a.m. just to glare at scabs. “If I’m freezing my ass off out here,” he growls, “then you better believe we’re getting that damn vision and dental.”
Harold is 100% pro-union, but it’s less about workers’ rights and more about his dream of becoming the union mascot. He shows up to every rally dressed as a giant sandwich board that says “FAIR WAGES = FULL SNACK TABLES,” chanting so loud he drowns out the bullhorn. Somehow, his chaotic energy makes him the heart and soul of the movement.
Arnold will inevitably find himself in a moral dilemma involving Big Bob exploiting workers, probably while Grandma Gertie is chaining herself to a factory gate. After a lot of thoughtful staring out his skylight, Arnold will give an impassioned speech about fairness, accidentally unionize the entire block, and somehow get everyone ice cream in the process.
“Benefits and worker’s rights are ever so great!” Lila chirps as she accidentally crosses a picket line, thinking it’s just a shortcut to the farmer’s market.
Abner wants nothing to do with corporate pigs—he thinks they give real pigs a bad name. He spends his days rolling in mud outside the Oscar Mayer headquarters, squealing in protest and refusing to budge until workers unionize.
Phoebe is the type who would painstakingly research both sides of the union debate and then end up paralyzed by overthinking. She’d ultimately write a 20-page paper titled “The Ethical Nuances of Collective Bargaining” and hand it to both the union and management, accidentally uniting them in shared confusion.
Poor Brainy. We don’t feel a lot of sympathy for this mouth-breathing peeping Tom, but he’s not a union buster. He’s not pro-union either. Brainy is… nothing. Just heavy breathing in the background, occasionally whispering, “Solidarity,” to no one in particular.
After the bunny costume incident, Iggy’s humiliating fall from ‘90s beatnik revival king of cool to total laughingstock forced him into reclusion. Now, he spends his days microdosing fentanyl, chain-smoking Parliaments, and watching all 29 episodes of “Andy Richter Controls the Universe” on an old tube TV he swears “just has better vibes.”
Like Andy Dick who voices him, Monkeyman only cares about taboo sexual encounters and cocaine. Unions are irrelevant to him unless they somehow interfere with his next bender.
Lorenzo, the oligarch’s son, once asked, “If workers are so stressed, why don’t they just hire personal masseuses like I do?” He thinks unions are “a quaint tradition” and once tried to organize a strike at his prep school because the sushi bar ran out of uni.
You can offer him a diamond-plated pearl; you can send him all the riches in the world; you can tempt him with the palaces of kings—but he’d give ‘em back in a big ol’ sack and keep the simple thing. Mr. Hyunh is so humble and self-sacrificing that he’s perfectly content being exploited, thinking, “At least I have bowling night.”
Stinky’s not anti-union—he’s just too gullible for his own good. Hand him a flyer that says “Unions Take Yer Money!” and he’ll believe it without question. He’d probably join management’s side by accident, thinking they’re handing out free snacks, and switch back again if someone offers him a cold Dr. Pepper.
