Trump Justifies PBS Funding Slash With Claims That Sesame Street Is Sponsored by the Letters M, S, and the Number 13

Posted on by Zack Zagranis

Washington — President Trump took to Truth Social to defend his recent executive order to cut federal funding for PBS with a diatribe against the channel’s flagship children’s program, Sesame Street, citing a recent episode’s connection to the notorious gang, MS-13.

“Sesame Street or MS-ame Street as I call it, this show is bigly tied into the nasty, horrible, terrorist gang known as MS-13. It’s been brought to you by the letters M, S, and the number 13, they admit that! They’re proud of it! You got radical Marxists like Elmo (notice he’s colored red) making gang signs with his hands while showing a Spanish child, probably not even in this country legally, by the way, how to count. Who needs to count? Drug dealers, that’s who. Then we got a giant bird, huge bird, teaching a group of DEI kids about pronouns! PBS has been brainwashing our children for years, some say many years, with radical left shows. There was that famous communist Mr. Rogers, he wanted everyone to share, remember that? Then there’s Clifford the Big Red Dog, have you ever seen a red dog in your life? Maybe in China they have them, I don’t know.”

As of press time, United States Secretary of Health and Human Services RFK Jr. was scheduled to give a press briefing on the link between Cookie Monster and the childhood obesity epidemic.

Report: Band Too Ugly To Be in Own Music Video

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

DENVER — A recent report from social psychologists at the University of Denver revealed that members of the local ska band Bug Wife are regrettably too ugly to appear in their own music videos.

“We’ve got a combined academic career spanning over 60 years, specifically researching interpersonal attraction in niche local music scenes and I feel like we’ve finally made a massive breakthrough,” said tenured professor Victoria Skaggs. “I mean, these guys are talented and confident, which is usually enough for listeners to get over the whole acne ridden pug-like faces thing, but nope! Not the case here. Sure, it’s probably heartbreaking for the band and all but I think from an ethics standpoint, the general public should be spared from looking at these freaks. It’s just the most humane thing to do.”

Meanwhile, members of Bug Wife are struggling to come to terms with their negative public image.

“This sucks. As a band, all we wanted to do was rent out a sick ‘66 Thunderbird, engage in quirky yet relatable scenarios across town, and end up laying down on the beach at dusk. But, I guess we’re too hideous for that,” said rhythm guitarist and notable uggo Robert Thines through the brown paper bag over his head. “Sure, we’re not the second coming of Beatlemania or whatever, but we don’t care about that. Our audience doesn’t judge our music based off our album covers, which just, by pure coincidence, don’t feature any of our faces.”

Alonso Jiménez, the music video director who was slated to direct Bug Wife’s latest video, also came out against the band.

“Look, I’m not going to sugarcoat it. These monsters are grotesque. There’s no amount of lighting, makeup, costuming, editing, manipulation, or gaslighting that we can do to make these rubber halloween masks come-to-life look fuckable,” said an exhausted Jiménez rocking back and forth. “We need to hire actors, or honestly, anyone besides these guys. One of them even suggested a lyric video with handwritten words on the screen, which I thought could work. But no, somehow I could still feel their nauseatingly deformed faces behind the words.”

At press time, Bug Wife’s manager posted a casting call for “solid 5s or 6s” to stand in for the band when performing live on their upcoming tour.

Opinion: Society Really Started Going Downhill Once They Stopped Making Rich People Villains in Kids Movies

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

There’s no denying that the world is going to hell in a handbasket, and everyone has their opinion on why that is. Well, I’m here to tell you the real reason: they stopped making rich people the bad guys in kids’ movies.

Remember in movies like Newsies when the kids were trying to unionize and to get their fair share of the child labor economy? That movie would never get made today, as A) unionizing would never be shown in a positive light, and B) rich capitalist media moguls would never greenlight a movie about rich capitalist media moguls screwing over everyone.

Then there was the Little Rascals. Adorable scamp Alfalfa was trying to woo Darla, whose attention turned to Waldo, a preppy new rich kid who came from big oil money. Granted, Alfalfa’s membership in the He-Man Woman Haters Club probably didn’t help things.

But even so, if that movie were made today, it would be about “poor” kids whose parents only made $100,000 per year, and the bad guy would be a vulnerable immigrant kid or something.

Nowadays rich people are never the bad guys in kids movies. Because in movies, as in real life, the only metric of success people comprehend is wealth. So by default, if you’re not wealthy, you’re a failure in life and unworthy of love and happiness.

As a matter of fact, you don’t see poor — or even middle-class people — in movies anymore. Unless it’s weird poverty porn like Shameless or Hillbilly Elegy. While those aren’t kids’ movies, or even movies at all, you still get the idea.

Some people would point to Richie Rich as being an example of rich people being the good guys in a kids’ movie. On the surface, they’d be right. However, a closer look reveals that Richie Rich wanted to share his privilege with his working class friends, including that girl whose mom looked like Rosie O’Donnell.

Plus his parents’ vault contained treasured keepsakes from Richie’s childhood and not jewels, diamonds, and other spoils of rampant capitalist domination. This facet of the movie is highly unrealistic, as it proved that Mr. and Mrs. Rich actually had a heart, unlike real rich people.

So if we’re going to get the world back on track, the only way to do it is to start teaching kids that rich people are inherently evil and should be ridiculed and humiliated at every opportunity.

Hardcore Drummer Kindly Asks Singer to Put Shirt Back on Since Being Shirtless Was Sort of His Thing First

Posted on by Char Byram

BALTIMORE — Corey Cruz, drummer of hardcore band Maximum Output, reportedly told lead singer Devin Altman to please put his shirt back on during a show, as being shirtless was kind of specifically his department to begin with.

“I’ve always been the shirtless one,” said Cruz, as Altman was seen sulkily pulling his own tee back over his head. “It’s kind of my whole deal. I get sweaty back here pummeling away at the drums, so I need to let my skin breathe, you know? I was born to be shirtless, and it’s become part of who I am as a drummer and performer. It’s important that I have this bit to express my individuality in the band. I just gotta be myself, and also not let Devin do it. Next he’s going to have a giant box fan blowing on him the entire time and it will totally steal my thunder.”

Altman attempted to explain what prompted this sudden behavior of wanting to strip down while singing.

“I get hot up there in the front under all the bright lights. Corey just sits there on his comfortable little drum chair while I’m getting my steps in and putting on the show of a lifetime,” Altman said, pouting. “How come I can’t pop off my clothes every once in a while, too? Just because Corey has a leaner, more toned physique and isn’t highly visible to the crowd doesn’t mean I don’t also want to show some skin every now and then. This is like, discriminatory, man.”

Audience member Terry Balzac thinks the band members should find a compromise.

“They can both be shirtless. Hell, I think I should be shirtless as well. I’d want the freedom to pull off this sweaty garment and be unburdened by norms and expectations,” Balzac rambled, unprompted. “In fact, I think it’s ridiculous that society doesn’t allow us all to throw off these shackles we call clothes and be completely free, allowing ourselves to bare all. I’m gonna do it! I’m taking my fucking shirt off!”

At press time, Altman was seen putting on a leather vest in place of a shirt and leaving it open while Cruz shook his head doubtfully.

World’s Dipshit Concertgoers Announce Plans to Scream “Crazy Train” at Upcoming Black Sabbath Reunion Show

Posted on by Steve Packosky

BIRMINGHAM, England — A large number of the attendees of Black Sabbath’s upcoming reunion show at Villa Park announced their plans to yell “Crazy Train” during the band’s set, annoyed sources report.

“I can’t wait to get shitfaced and scream my request for my favorite Black Sabbath song. I’m going to throw in a ‘Free Bird’ too for good measure,” dipshit Jonathan Wright said. “I’m a really big fan of that show ‘The Osbournes’ that was on MTV, so I figured I would go see the band that Ozzy was in if this is the last time they’re playing together. I don’t really know anything about them except for that one song, but I bet they’re going to be great. I hope Sharon gets on stage to scold Ozzy while they play. That would be hilarious!”

Actual Black Sabbath fan Francesca Anguiano looked forward to the concert with mixed feelings of excitement and dread.

“Sabbath is my favorite band, so obviously I can’t wait,” Anguiano mentioned. “It’s just that other people at their concerts are always so fucking obnoxious. I know I’m going to be surrounded by drunk idiots screaming requests for songs that aren’t even by them or starting ‘Ozzy’ chants even though he’s the least talented person who was ever in that band. I know they’re obviously not going to play any deep cuts from the Dio or Tony Martin years, so I just want to hear ‘Snowblind’ or, if I’m really lucky, ‘Megalomania’ without a bunch of posers ruining it for the true fans.”

Music expert Ji-ho Kim provided some insight into the phenomenon.

“Casual concertgoers have a long history of annoying the shit out of actual fans,” Kim provided. “Whether it’s Miller Lite-swigging Gen Xers losing their goddamn minds when Metallica predictably plays ‘Enter Sandman’ or bros needlessly starting fights with people for bumping into them near the moshpit at Dying Fetus shows, there’s always a contingent of clueless people who tend to keep others from being able to enjoy themselves. My advice for those who actually appreciate the music is to just make the best of it and hope that the dipshits all pass out in the parking lot before the band goes on. I’ve seen it happen before, so it’s not as unlikely as you’d think.”

At press time, the same dipshit concertgoers announced plans to scream “Welcome Home” at all upcoming Mercyful Fate shows.

The Hard Times Looks Back on Everything They Did to Mussolini’s Body for No Particular Reason

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Here at The Hard Times, a lot of us fancy ourselves to be sort of armchair history buffs. As we’re fond of saying around the office, “There’s nothing illegal about being an armchair history buff.” We’re always just saying that around here.

Say, how about today we take a little break from the norm and just do a little good ol’ fashioned history buffing. Let’s see, what should we focus on today, lots of options, literally everything that has ever happened, top of my head… how about the death of fascist dictator Benito Mussolini and the subsequent brutal desecration of his corpse by the Italian people? Seems as good a topic as any, let’s dive in! Again, for no particular reason.

For those of you who didn’t grow up before The History Channel was all Ancient Aliens, Benito Mussolini is considered to be the founder of fascism, and largely responsible for its spread throughout the world during the interwar period. He was the Prime Minister of Italy who, through the installation of loyalists in key positions, radical secret policing, and wild interpretation/manipulation of the law, became the country’s dictator. Sound familiar? Well, we don’t know why, we’re just talking history here, people! Anyway, let’s skip ahead to the good stuff:

Somebody fucking kills him

Towards the end of World War II, as Allied troops advanced on Northern Italy, Mussolini’s bitch-ass tried fleeing to Spain but got his ass unalived along the way. Initially, it was believed that communist partisan Walter Audisio executed him, but this has been refuted over the years, and to this day, there are more theories on exactly who took Duce out than there are about the Kennedy assassination.

I guess the takeaway is, when you’re an authoritarian strongman leader more concerned with staying in power than the welfare of your countrymen, a lot of people want you dead, man. A lot of fucking people just want you fucking dead.

The body of Mussolini is placed in a town square

In order to understand the decision to just dump Mussolini’s corpse in the Piazzale Loreto and its significance, we first have to understand the symbolism of that body.

Mussolini’s physical body was central to much of Italy’s fascist propaganda. A lot of it featured photos and illustrations of him shirtless, engaged in challenging labor. They didn’t have NFTs back then, but if they did, he probably would have released one depicting himself as a buff superhero; the dude was that vain and petty.

Anyway, given the significance of Mussolini’s body as a symbol of authoritarianism, it seemed only fitting that the Italian people had a chance to spend some face time with it.

The body is insulted and ridiculed by the masses

The crowd began hurling insults and blasphemies at the corpse almost immediately. Can you blame them? They had just been living under an authoritarian dictator during wartime, this was the closest they got to speaking truth to power in a long time!

The body is abused physically

Sometimes, speaking truth to power isn’t enough, so you start punching truth to power. The crowd went absolutely savage on Mussolini’s corpse — slapping, punching, kicking — one dude even shot it a few more times just for the fuck of it.

They cut his fucking dick off and stuffed it into his own dumb fascist mouth

This particular desecration was perhaps… overzealous, but we get it. One second you’re living under the rule of a fascist blowhard and the next he’s just this dead stupid punching bag right in front of you and after beating the shit out of him for a few hours and still finding yourself angry you start to think “Well, what the hell else can we do with this thing?” It’s fortunate for the Italian people that McDonald’s didn’t exist back then, because if it did, Mussolini’s member would be too sad and shriveled by fish fillet (but he probably would have called it something stupid like “Fish Delight”) consumption to make a satisfying tableau. If this were to happen to a modern dictator, the crowd would probably just go for butt stuff.

The body is hung upside down, with the dick still in the mouth

Ordinarily, in Italy, hanging a body upside down, with or without it’s severed dick in it’s mouth like a macabre cigar, is the ultimate sign of disrespect. In Mussolini’s case, however, it was honest-to-god done just to get what remained of his remains the fuck away from that angry crowd so there would be something left to bury! That is one hell of a retreat — having your corpse subjected to your culture’s ultimate form of humiliation just to keep what’s left of you SAFE.

We hope you enjoyed this little stroll down history lane, and to any modern leader with aims to follow in Mussolini’s footsteps, we at The Hard Times implor you to turn your history book to page fuck around and find out.

Goth Squatters Mistaken for Victorian Ghosts

Posted on by Laura Lewis

RICHMOND, Va. — A small group of goths squatting at a local residence were mistaken for Victorian ghosts, confirmed police sources.

“It was kind of an ideal situation,” alleged squatter Edgar “Obsidian” Wright reported. “We could never afford the rents in the area, and this house was pure goth aesthetic: built in 1880 with cathedral windows and ceilings, plenty of local wildlife to support our burgeoning taxidermy business, and free antiques. All we had to do was climb the trellis out back to get in through the attic window and periodically make droning ghoul sounds, which we do anyway. And bonus that we were able to live out our lifelong dreams of haunting a family of four.”

Homeowner Greg Frankel said the only signs of life he encountered in over four years were some half-eaten Morningstar Farms patties and a bat-sized cardboard coffin.

“Honestly, every piece of evidence we encountered pointed to specters,” said Frankel. “Often there were eerie moanings coming from the attic, which we later learned was the music of Joy Division, as well as the sounds of doors opening and closing seemingly on their own. Even on the rare occasions we caught sight of them, they always appeared and disappeared silently, transparently pale and dressed in authentic Victorian clothing. We thought, hey, this house is old. Maybe the family who lived here had some unfinished business on earth, you know? I never would have imagined that that business was posing dead mice in tea party tableaus in my attic. Not to mention the smell of formaldehyde only supported our ghost theory further.”

Experts noted that these types of incidents occur fairly frequently.

“Goth squatting is more common than you might think,” stated Victorian Literature Professor Renee Goulding. “Unlike regular squatting, which is done out of necessity, goth squatting is done primarily out of a flair for the dramatic—not to mention the increased likelihood of getting away with it. Think about it: almost every major work of gothic literature features some sort of recluse hidden away in a forbidden corridor. Who, then, of modern goths could resist the allure of ‘doing a Rochester’ or ‘Havishaming out’ to use their colloquial phrases for the act? It’s altogether too appealing.”

At press time, the actual Victorian ghosts that had been living in the attic for decades were reportedly scared off by the presence of the goths.

Trump Administration Argues Economy Only Appears to Be Shrinking Due to Cold Weather

Posted on by Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — White House Economic Advisor Peter Navarro aggressively challenged a report detailing the country’s negative GDP growth during the first quarter of the year, arguing that the economy’s shrinkage was only because of the cold weather conditions, the Trump Administration confirmed.

“Now hold on a minute this is a complete misunderstanding, okay? I assure you our economic outlook isn’t this small, it just looks that way because it was super cold outside and Americans just didn’t want to be outside and just wanted to import a whole shitload of stuff and didn’t feel like buying any of it. Global warming my ass. Who told the Bureau of Economic Analysis we were shrinking, those hypocrites China? Anyone would think it looks smaller than it is from a certain angle and the tariffs look bigger in comparison. Ask England, they’ll tell you how big our shit is,” Navarro told the White House press corp. “Nope, nothing to do with the President inciting a very necessary trade war, ICE arresting and harassing immigrants, or that international tourism is significantly down because we’re being boycotted across the globe. It’s simply a case of those frigid Midwest temperatures and unfounded rumors, which are definitely due to GDP envy. Trust me, once the Q2 results come in the world will see America is more of a grower than a shower. We’ll see who is pointing and laughing then!”

As of press time, Navarro was seen trying to calm President Trump down after someone at the Treasury Department wrote “America has a baby GDP” in a bathroom stall.

Guy Who Works Out to Prep for Apocalypse Really Hoping for Rowing-Centric New Order

Posted on by Alec Walker

CHARLESTON, S.C. — Local gym rat and self-proclaimed doomsday prepper Brock Crocker is really hoping that the next new world order will be rowing-centric, multiple sources confirmed.

“They laugh at me now, but when the world collapses, I’ll be ready, so long as it requires perfect catch, drive, finish, and recovery form,” said Crocker while doing a rowing motion in the air. “By my calculations, the global elite will force us into a worldwide flood by 2028. I don’t want to pay 50 bucks a month for a gym membership for that long though, so I bought a hummer and leave it running in my driveway to see if I can get that down to 2027. In the future, you’ll all be thankful that I can simulate rowing down a calm river for 45 consecutive minutes.”

Crocker’s personal trainer Lachlan Meyer weighed in on his apocalyptic predictions.

“I was totally on board with him using his worries about the world as an excuse to get in shape, but he lost me when he insisted I replace the rowing machine handles with guns so he could ‘get used to the grip,’” said Meyer, hanging two fully loaded glocks back up on the handle rack. “I just hope he comes to his senses and starts using the rowing machine simply as a form of masochism like the rest of us. He’s easily the second weirdest person I’ve ever trained, right behind RFK Jr., who leaned heavily on the elliptical machine because he was hoping for a cardio-based new order.”

Crocker’s favorite conspiracy theorist Lee Roberts from popular podcast “RowPODcalypse” got wind of the questionable gym routine.

“Rowing is going to have a lot of valid uses when civilization as we know it crumbles,” said Roberts. “Once the only valid form of currency in our post-apocalyptic world is strokes per minute, and the true measure of power and status becomes 1000m split time, you’ll all wish you had listened. Brock is a dutiful boy and I’m thankful that he’s spreading the message. At least he’s not using a treadmill. In the future, there just won’t be enough running room from all of our underground bunkers.”

At press time, Crocker’s wife was seen doing her own apocalypse prep by finally calling the number of that divorce lawyer she found.

Help! I Keep Trying To Set Tesla Dealerships on Fire but the Cars Keep Exploding on Their Own

Posted on by Stephen Bell

Like any aspiring anarchist, I want to do what I can to burn this entire rotten system to the ground and bring in a new age of self-governance without the interference of an oppressive capitalist state. Naturally, the best way to bring this reality about is by burning down my local Tesla dealership. One big problem though is that the damn cars keep exploding on their own before I have a single opportunity to get the whole thing going.

It’s been 11 times now that I’ve staked out a target, grabbed my Molotovs, and make my way over to the Tesla dealership. But wouldn’t you know it, every single time I try to go to one of these places, I’m greeted by the smouldering remains of what used to be a Tesla Dealership, which itself was located in what used to be a black community before being demolished to make a Tesla dealership. I had to keep checking in on my fellow anarchist groups to see if someone else got to it first. This is, of course, somewhat difficult to do because we only use carrier pigeons and old secret hobo code signs to communicate. But they all told me the same thing, it was like that when we got there.

Seriously, all of these Tesla explosions have me wondering if I should’ve just gone and become an engineer like my dad wanted. That way, I could’ve worked my way into all sorts of corporate settings in which I could then design inferior products that cause major damage to large corporations. Maybe the real lesson here is that I need to learn to play the long game, and one dealership fire only lasts a night.

All I know is that if Elon’s approach to government is anything like his approach to building cars then the system will collapse on its own. I’ll make sure to roast some CyberMarshmallows while that happens. Those are just regular marshmallows but cooked over the flames of a cyber truck. Given Elon’s love of stupid ideas and reframing failures as total wins, don’t be surprised if that’s what they release next.