Trump Debuts Previously Undiscovered Way to Pronounce “Cinco De Mayo”

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump debuted a completely new pronunciation of the holiday “Cinco De Mayo” while addressing local reporters at the White House today, confirmed several journalists struggling to spell it out phonetically for their news outlets.

“It started out like most other comments from the president, going over what internet celebrity he’s beefing with and expressing interest in hearing from people who died decades ago. And then it happened,” said reporter Noelle Dean. “Usually the room is buzzing with reporters shouting questions. But everything stopped. There was an uncharacteristic silence in the room. Not because we were shocked, we just weren’t sure what he was talking about. Also because he said it in a way that sounded like he was soft launching a new racial slur to his base.”

President Trump didn’t even seem to notice that he mispronounced the name of the annual celebration.

“You know, Mexicans, they’re great people. Well, some of them are not so great,” said President Trump. “That’s why the wall is so important. And China, they know about walls. Trust me, you do not want to be in China, people. They will lock you in a room for eating pizza, it’s true. Nasty place. Except that Wang Chung. Incredible singer, huge talent. But the food. That’s why I trust Taco Bell. You never go wrong with a Chalupa on May 5th, or as I like to call it, Shinko del Maiypo [sic].”

Marian Di Stefano, a linguistics expert specializing in presidential vernacular, offered her insights.

“This is a pretty typical Trumpism. Instinct would lead you to believe he would pronounce it as whitely as humanly possible, but people underestimate how much this man loves attempting to sound ethnic,” said Di Stefano. “Of course he gets it completely wrong and that is why we end up with such novel pronunciations. That’s how we got him saying Puerto Rico with like five h’s. It’s not that he can’t hear the way things come out, which is an issue for many people who mispronounce things. It’s more a complete lack of awareness of reality.”

At press time, there were whispers that President Trump will soon release a new pronunciation of Flag Day.

Masculinity Win! An Influencer Said I Wasn’t a Real Man, so I Started Doing Everything He Said

Posted on by Dan Rice

Throughout my life, I had always felt completely secure in my masculinity. Then, the unthinkable happened — an alpha male lifestyle influencer on TikTok challenged it by implying people like me weren’t man-ing hard enough. I was devastated.

A deeper dive into @ArtOfTheAlpha’s socials revealed further blows to my ego. I didn’t have any children at 30. I had a cortisol belly. I didn’t even smoke cigars, bro. It seemed the state of my man-card was in jeopardy. I didn’t even know who I was anymore.

A weaker man would have admitted defeat, but not me. I was going to prove this stranger on the internet wrong by doing everything he said to do for the rest of my life.

By making him my daddy and doing everything he tells me to do, I’ve beaten @ArtOfTheAlpha at his own game. Now I’m a man’s-man who changes his entire lifestyle the second an ill-informed gym rat gives him unsolicited advice on the internet instead of going to therapy. By following the code of someone I’ve never met who seems kind of buff and mean, I’ve become my own man:

ALL MEAT DIET: Fruits and vegetables are a slippery slope that lead to sissification and cuckholding. By the fourth week, I didn’t even miss shitting and the diverticulitis makes me feel like more of a man.

NEUTROPICS: It used to take me hours to finish the NYT crossword puzzle. Now, I don’t do the NYT crossword puzzle because I know it’s full of liberal Satanist propaganda.

PROCREATE: According to the Bible, it’s the only reason to have sex in the first place. Oh, the bible is super important by the way, but don’t read it, reading is feminine.

HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH WOMEN OUTSIDE OF PROCREATION: Are you a heterosexual man in a relationship with a woman who loves and supports you? Have fun with that BETA! Associating with women can infect a male with feminine energy. I only associate with other alphas now because iron sharpens iron. Cuddling, going on dates, and paying child support are all traps to turn you gay.

EMPATHY = DISEASE: Have you ever wronged someone and felt bad about it? Congratulations, you’re host to the woke mind virus! Every parent, teacher and mentor who ever told you to be a good person growing up was paid to do so by George Soros.

NEVER NUT: Semen retention is crucial. Semen is pure masculinity, it makes us strong. The least gay thing you can possibly do is worship semen.

My so-called friends have all begged me to abandon the way of the alpha. They tell me things like how I should be comfortable with who I am, that I shouldn’t feel insecure because of some right-wing influencer, that @ArtOfTheAlpha is either satire or an attempt at forming a cult and I am the dumbest person alive. In other words, they’re all a bunch of weak-ass beta CUCKS. How else do you explain why they all have extremely attractive wives while I remain so very, very alone despite maximizing my gains?

Guy Listens To Entire Genesis Catalog While Waiting for Opportunity to Back Out of Trader Joe’s Parking Spot

Posted on by Courtney Hill

SAN LUIS OBISPO, Calif. — Local man Travis Anders recently listened to all 15 Genesis albums while waiting for a chance to back out of his parking spot at Trader Joe’s, fellow shoppers reported.

“When I got to my car it was classic TJ’s parking lot gridlock so I put on the Genesis debut and went to work on a bag of strawberry popcorn,” Anders recounted with the corners of his mouth still caked in congealed pink flavor dust. “I never intended to go deep in the catalog but after the proto-prog triptych of ‘Trespass,’ ‘Nursery Cryme,’ and ‘Foxtrot’ I was still boxed in and figured I’d dig into some tuna-cheddar cashews and fire up ‘Selling England by the Pound.’ I finally had a window of escape but a Cybertruck hit a shopping cart and burst into flames so I settled in for the hyper-concept ‘Lamb Lies Down on Broadway’ through synth-rock smash ‘Invisible Touch.’ Once the store closed I ended up spinning the final two albums while some teenage employees partied on the hood of my car not realizing I was in it.”

Resident Trader Joe’s parking lot busker Rusty Fitzgerald listened along to the whole thing from a nearby mulch bed.

“Hearing the complete works really highlights how Genesis was a constantly evolving force of creativity and innovation, kind of like the Trader Joe’s snack lab,” Fitzgerald mused while dipping jalapeño banana chips in butterscotch ricotta. “Peter Gabriel and Steve Hackett’s departures were like Trader Joe’s pulling Chocolate Chip Sandwich Cookies from the shelves; it left a huge void in a classic lineup. Phil Collins taking the lead of the remaining trio felt like the music version of a wasabi pea covered in shredded coconut; nobody asked for it but there’s a subtle complexity. In the same way you’ll try a snack and say, ‘whoa- these are Trader Joe’s?!’ you’ll hear a song and say, ‘whoa- this is Genesis?!’”

Trader Joe’s manager Fran Dunbar pointed out that customers going through discographies in the parking lot is quite common.

“Many people are more comfortable sitting alone in a Trader Joe’s parking spot than they are being at home,” Dunbar explained while doctoring expiration dates. “Once a week I see someone with their seat all the way back and an icepack on their head listening to the full Rolling Stones or Bruce Springsteen or live Grateful Dead library. It’s one of the last places people can still go just to think. One guy hasn’t moved in months; he’s working through the Ty Segall collection but every time he finishes one album three more have come out.”

At press time, Anders was consulting with MIT professors to guide him out of a diagonal spot he’d foolishly backed into.

Kid Whose Dad Went Out For Cotton Candy Vape Juice Secretly Hoping He Never Comes Back

Posted on by Matt Husser

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local 13-year-old Elliot Johnson was reportedly crossing his fingers today hoping that his dad would never come back after heading out for cotton candy vape juice, confirmed sources.

“Every Saturday my old man makes a big deal about how he’s going out for cotton candy vape juice so loud the neighbors can hear, and I always pray this is the day he finally doesn’t embarrass me by coming home in a cloud of unicorn farts,” said Elliot, slamming his bedroom door. “All my friends’ dads went out for smokes and abandoned them, but my dad always comes back a few hours later smelling like a rainbow clown wig, saying some weird shit like ‘It’s me Darth Vaper, I am your Father’ before giving me a big hug and asking about my day.”

Father Jimmy Johnson revealed that the reason he leaves for so long is that it’s hard to find his favorite ‘Bussin Labs Cotton Candy Crave’ vape juice at the local stores.

“I know three hours roundtrip is a long time to sit on my ‘gyat’ in my ‘whip’ away from my ‘fam’ each week, but there’s only one shop in the county ‘bussin’ enough to carry my favorite vape juice and weekly supply of Feastables,” said the 55-year-old accountant, putting on his reading glasses to check the receipt. “Then it always takes me about 20 minutes to convince the liquor store guy that the Buzzballz and alcoholic Monster energy are for me, and not for the teenagers hanging outside. But it’s all worth it to see the ‘skibidi’ look on my kid’s face when I finally come back from the store.”

Mr. Johnson’s own estranged dad, Clyde Johnson, criticized his son’s juvenile commitment to his family.

“It’s high time that Jimmy stopped with this cotton candy nonsense, switched to some fuckin’ Marlboros, and abandoned his family like a real man,” said the 85-year-old, ashing his cigarette on an old family photo. “When I was his age I had already abandoned my second family and knocked up a stripper 20 years younger than me all on a plumber’s salary. How is Elliott ever gonna learn to be a man if his dad is always appearing out of a fruity pebble cloud like David Copperfield when he shows up to all of his music recitals and baseball games?”

At press time, Elliot Johnson was reportedly mortified after his dad had signed them up for Mr. Beast’s “The Sex Talk Puberty Elimination Challenge.”

Opinion: I Thought I Had the Perfect Name for Our Band, but Apparently Sanguisugabogg Is Already Taken

Posted on by Peter Woods

Is there a bigger time suck in this world than trying to come up with a new band name? Every time a new band starts, people spend hours and hours trying to come up with anything that works, but every single name anyone comes up with is either corny or used by someone else.

I figured, “Why not try something new for our band?” Since every band name we thought of so far has been taken, I decided to just make random mouth sounds until I came up with something that sounded cool. Spent three hours doing that, but then some sounds that make the perfect band name came out:

Sanguisugabogg.

I was so pumped to have found something so badass that perfectly encapsulated our sound, our vibe, hell our whole vision! Until I looked it up on discogs and immediately threw my computer into a trash can.

I had to go back to the drawing board, but I wanted to get some help. So I asked ChatGPT to make up a word that sounded cool and would work really well for our blackened tech death grind band. It spewed out ten options, nine of them sucked. But the last one it came up with was perfect.

The only problem was that it was Sanguisugabogg again.

I got so annoyed and depressed about this that I got completely hammered. And then when I was blacked out, I apparently recorded myself brainstorming band names. The problem is that I couldn’t make out a single word I was saying except for one pretty remarkable moment of inspiration.

Unfortunately, that name was also Sanguisugabogg.

So I guess we have to try something else. Maybe let’s just go with taking a cool word like metallic or something and add the letter A at the end to make it sound latin or something. I’ll look it up and get back to you.

Local Man Horrified and Disgusted to Learn All-Time Favorite Lead Vocalist Now Doing Open Mic Stand Up Comedy

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — Local man Peter Spearman was shocked when he discovered the frontman of his all-time favorite band Chaos Dissidents was doing low level stand up comedy around the city, equally disgusted sources confirmed.

“Chaos Dissidents were these coke-fueled maniacs playing a mix between thrash and screamo that nobody else was doing back in 1999. I still have four copies of their split 7” with Low Voltage that I planned on being buried with,” said Spearman. “So I’m watching the Yankees game at the bar and out of nowhere an open mic starts. I’m already pissed they turned off the game, but then the host brought up the first performer who was none other than Chaos Dissidents frontman Chris Deehan. I realized that the person I once thought was the definition of cool is now doing terrible jokes about how hard it is to date in New York. I don’t know where I go from here, I feel sick, like my insides are rotting and my mouth has tasted like battery acid for days now.”

Deehan, the once popular musician, says stand up has been a creative outlet since his last band broke up in 2012.

“I love being a performer, but the problem with being in a band is that you have so many mouths to feed. With stand up it’s just me up there bearing my heart and soul,” said Deehan after a set where his closing joke was about how he thinks his scrotum is lopsided. “I’ve been doing this pretty frequently for 10 years now and I will meet fans of my music. They always ask me questions about stand up like ‘Why are you doing this?’ ‘Is the band getting back together so you can stop doing comedy?’ and ‘Do you need me to Venmo you some money?’ Which is nice, but the band isn’t getting together anytime soon. Our guitar player teaches clowning now, and he’s so busy with that we could never get him to tour.”

Scene historian Sami Houston says the pipeline of ex-band dudes to stand up comedy has slowed down in recent years.

“This was definitely more prevalent during the alternative comedy boom of the early aughts, but now we see a lot of band guys starting pointless podcasts. These people have transitioned from degrading their legacies in dimly lit bars to degrading their legacies on social media,” said Houston. “This is the new reality we live in. The flip side of the coin are the band guys who go into hiding because of disturbing accusations. But honestly, every outcome is terrible and it’s best not to engage.”

At press time, Deehan announced on the official Chaos Dissidents Instagram page that he needs 15 people to buy tickets to his next comedy show in order for him to be allowed to perform.

Photo by Brett McCabe.

Six Songs We Listened To This Week While ‘Toxicity’ Was Temporarily Removed From Streaming

Posted on by Contributor

It’s been another long week filled with nauseating political developments and beloved albums being removed from streaming services for several panic-inducing hours. Our loss is your gain, however. Because we couldn’t find our CD Wallet from 2007, we were forced to seek out new songs. Here are six new tracks we listened to while wondering if our collective memory of the ‘Chop Suey!’ riff would forever fade into the abyss.

The Beths ‘Metal’

Indie-punk quartet The Beths are continuing down the elusive path toward becoming New Zealand’s version of the Cure. This is obviously a compliment. The intertwined guitars of their latest ‘Metal’ – filled with constantly evolving melodic riffs – are some of the dreamiest of the band’s entire discography. It gives less ‘Friday, I’m In Love’ and more ‘Monday, I’m In Bed,’ which, again, is clearly a compliment. Feel free to put this on when you need an escape from the drudgery of reality. It will work wonders until you start thinking about how much you’d rather live in New Zealand.

Turnstile ‘BIRDS’/‘SEEIN’ STARS’

Just when you finally stopped sobbing and throwing up in response to Turnstile’s last single ‘Never Enough,’ they’ve decided to pummel you in the chest with not one, but two new tracks. ‘Birds’ is a signature future hardcore anthem that could only be improved by the band going full ham and delivering on the cover of Bobby Brown’s ‘My Prerogative’ they are clearly teasing during the breakdown. ‘Seein’ Stars’ is a complete 180 from ‘Birds’ – leaning into a Police-esque dancehall vibe, cementing Turnstile’s secret mission to make hardcore kids learn dance moves other than punching and kicking.

Full of Hell ‘Knight’s Oath’

Imagine plugging a blender into a Boss Heavy Metal distortion pedal, running it into a Line 6 Spider II, then cranking it into a modified setting past ‘Insane’ called ‘Involuntarily Committed’ and you’ll get pretty close to Full of Hell’s ethos. Their latest single, ‘Knight’s Oath,’ is such a disconcerting display of grindcore horror that you’ll probably wake up in a cold sweat screaming the verses for countless nights to come. Probably still a step up from your normal recurring nightmares, so you’re welcome.

Propaghandi ‘No Longer Young’

Propaghandi – who just recently had to cancel their entire US tour due to… ya know, the horrors – have finally released their long awaited LP ‘At Peace.’ It’s their first new record in nearly a decade, and it was well worth the wait for those who have missed being lectured over loud guitars as much as we have. The latest single to be released pre-full album drop ‘No Longer Young’ is a bit misleading as these guys are shredding faster than you ever dreamed of in even the height of your youth.

Chris Farren ‘Cause of Death’

In what we’re assuming was a desperate plea for attention, Chris Farren celebrated his birthday with the surprise release of his excellent, albeit disturbing, new single ‘Cause of Death.’ As you would guess, the lyrics fixate on attempting to discover how certain people have died while being simultaneously depressed and horrified of meeting the same fate. If this piques your curiosity, we won’t judge, you weird fuck. Even if you’re not a death-obsessed freak, you’ll still probably have this one stuck in your head for a while after the first listen.

Now that you have a taste for music that wasn’t released over two decades ago, we assume you’ll want to hear more. That’s why we took the time to compile these songs in a disorienting playlist that also features every other song we’ve listened to this year. We didn’t hear a ‘thanks,’ but you are welcome regardless. Check it out below and enjoy feeling modern for a change.

Mark Wahlberg Claims Elon Musk’s Botched Penis Implant Wouldn’t Have Gone Down Like That If He Was Attending Surgeon

Posted on by Matt Husser

BOSTON — Mark Wahlberg sparked controversy after claiming that Elon Musk’s botched penis implant “wouldn’t have gone down like that” if he was the attending surgeon, sources confirmed.

“It’s a total tragedy how those surgeons fucked up Elon’s cock, I mean look at that worthless piece of shit—it looks like a scared little toad peeking out of a mudhole. Well it wouldn’t have gone down like that if I was performing the surgery, I can promise you that much,” said Wahlberg. “I would have taken control in that operating room and implanted a rod so big it’d make the Hancock Tower look like a Slim Jim, instead of that gross red dog dick thing he’s got going on now. Then Elon would be like ‘thanks so much for this massive hog, Mark’ and I’d be like ‘hey no problem guy, enjoy impregnating all those weird ladies with your huge cyberpenis.'”

Musk’s plastic surgeon responded to Wahlberg’s claims, alleging that the scope of the male enhancements the SpaceX founder asked for was “not medically possible.”

“I tried my best to make the augments that Mr. Musk requested, but what he was asking for was simply not realistic based on the state of his original member—you try surgically transforming wet hamburger in a baby sock into the Washington Monument,” said Dr. Kaminski. “Then he insisted on being awake during the procedure so he could micromanage the implant process, and when I told him that if we attached any more of the ‘cyber-enhancements’ he brought with him the penile structure would collapse on itself like a pubic blackhole. Then when it fell apart like all of his other ideas, he went on X and called me a pedophile.”

Following the botched surgery, Musk reportedly turned to fertility expert Dr. John Marley in his quest to impregnate a small army of female employees.

“At first I was honored that Mr. Musk chose me to support his quest to staff the federal government entirely with his offspring, but I didn’t realize how challenging the process would be—it was kind of like milking an earthworm but with much, much more sobbing,” said Dr. Marley. “And then he started bringing in a phrenology chart and calipers and demanded I discard any sperm absent of his ‘desired caucasoid features.’ I finally told him to find a different fertility doctor after he asked if it was possible to load a blowgun dart with his sperm to impregnate women from afar.”

At press time, Wahlberg claimed that JD Vance killing the Pope wouldn’t have gone down like that if he was at the Vatican.

Avoidant Attachment? This Woman Can’t End a Relationship So She Robs Them Instead

Posted on by Rachel Hein

A relationship has been confirmed as “officially over” when a woman robbed her former lover at gunpoint. This is a repeat offender who has pillaged the home of every man she’s dated upon being questioned about “defining the relationship.” She is a risk to her community and specifically to any man who thinks he can be the one to tie her down, as she may steal his heart but she will also steal all his belongings.

“I don’t know, man, I thought things were good. She’s hot. We liked all the same things, like food and TV, and stuff. She listens to my music and doesn’t make me listen to hers. I was like damn I need to make this girl wifey.” Jay Keeting told reporters. “So I asked, ‘What are we?’ She muttered something about all the stuff I owned, and did I really need to own her too? Next thing I know, there’s a gun in my face and she’s telling me to get on the ground. She took so much shit, man! My Theragun, my Samsung frame, my turntable.”

Philippa Peete was quick to confirm the incident. “No, it’s so bad I know. But listen, this doesn’t happen when I date women, only men. As soon as they get all weird and commitment-y, I panic, and the adrenaline gives me the urge to rob them.” When asked if anything else had provoked this, she added, “I mean, no. I guess it’s just easier to rob them. And the more time I spend with a man, the less I like him, and the more I like his stuff. It’s science or something, I swear.”

Upon further investigation, Philippa’s ex-boyfriend, Carl Ludwig, evidently took precautions against her burglary habit, “She’s fucking crazy, dude. And like, all my exes are crazy, but she’s extra crazy. We broke up and got back together so many times, I had to start padlocking my cabinets and drawers. But then she got a bolt cutter and that was the end!” He did, however, assure us that she does not carry a gun. “It’s not a gun. It’s a power drill that kind of looks like a gun, so she can unmount stuff on your walls.”

At press time, Philippa is dating a woman and enjoying what she refers to as the “fruits of her labor” in trying to date men.

Guy Tasked With Censoring British Rap Song in Way Over His Fucking Head

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — Federal Communications Commission (FCC) employee Joshua Boyd found himself in way over his fucking head after being tasked with censoring a single by popular British rapper Dodgy Chaz, sources report.

“I’ve gotta be honest, I have no fucking clue what I’m doing here,” Boyd said helplessly as he combed through the lyrics to the song “Hasslin’ Grassers.” “Not only do I have to find the swear words, but I also have to discern their severity to see if they need to be blocked out. I mean, ‘plonker’? ‘Chav’? Are these bad, and if so, how bad? We can say ‘hell’ and ‘damn’ here, but we can’t say ‘shit’ or ‘fuck,’ so how do these British words compare to those? My boss needs me to have this done by tomorrow, so I’m at a total loss as to what I’m going to do.”

Chaz wasn’t sure what the challenge was in deciphering his lyrics.

“Oy, so that bloke’s not bloody well chuffed at me tunes, right?” Chaz apparently questioned. “Is he taking the piss, or just an eejit? I’m known to be a bit of a lairy gobby, but the lad’s havin’ a strop. He must be a proper saddo, or a total prat. Under the cosh from his gaffer, is he? Well, I can’t muck in. I was on the lash with me blud last night, and I’m dead knackered. Gonna go for a slash then run to uncle ned for a smidge.”

Fan Tory Rodriguez commiserated with Boyd.

“I’ve been a huge fan of British rap for a while, but I never have any clue what they’re saying,” Rodriguez admitted. “I started listening to stuff like Roots Manuva and Kano in high school, and now I’m really into Cult of the Damned and Lee Scott. I listen to stuff like that all the time, and it always goes over my head. They could be rapping about what they had for breakfast, or they could be saying problematic stuff and I wouldn’t be able to tell. I know this isn’t the most socially conscious move, but I just ignorantly enjoy the music and hope that they’re not railing against women or immigrants. I guess I understand what leftist fans of black metal go through, now that I think of it.”

At press time, Boyd just decided to censor every third word of the song and hope for the best.