MAGA Influencer Volunteers to Spend Two Months In El Salvadoran Mega-Prison to Prove It’s Not So Bad

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Popular conservative influencer Jake Fowler intends to “own the libs” by spending two months in a notorious El Salvadoran prison to prove it’s not as bad as media outlets report, concerned sources confirmed.

“What’s up truth seekers, American patriots, and members of the Free-Thinkers Republic, I’m about to head to CECOT for a few weeks of rest and relaxation. A little social media detox where I get free meals and a haircut, it doesn’t get much better than that,” said Fowler in the last video he uploaded to YouTube. “I’ve seen too many lies about how El Savador’s prisons are inhumane, and how President Trump’s deportations are crimes against humanity. I’m going to show everyone that going to prison in El Salvador is no different than staying at a Best Western. I’ll talk to you again in eight weeks, unless I’m having so much fun I decide to extend my stay.”

Fowler’s family lawyer Robert Bagley says he has had little contact with his client since he entered the facility.

“Mr. Fowler has been inside the prison for just about two days now. I’ve had one five-minute conversation with him and he seemed slightly distressed. In the interest of full transparency, he was crying the entire time we talked. He informed me that he was beaten by masked guards and was given a series of electric shocks for bleeding too much,” said Bagley. “Other than that he seemed to be in good spirits. He’s excited to get back home and give his followers a full breakdown of his time spent in the prison. The one hiccup is that I’m not sure they actually plan on releasing him, and I’m working with the Justice Department to secure his return to the States, but they said that matter is ‘Extremely low priority.’”

El Salvador President Nayib Bukele welcomed more Americans and people from around the world to stay at his prison.

“I’ve created the best prison system in the world and it’s made my country so much safer. We are willing to take felons from across the world and stuff them in cells for a price, we will even take people who haven’t committed crimes, we don’t discriminate when the price is right. Our guards are the most blood thirsty men I could find and their fists are primed to knock out some teeth,” said President Bukele. “I want to thank President Trump for being so indiscriminate with the people he sends us, and my promise to the American people is you will never hear from anyone shipped here again.”

At press time, Fowler was presumed dead and buried in one of the countless mass graves outside of the facility.

Opinion: On the Whole, I Think “Vulgar Display of Power” Is More Consistent Than “Cowboys From Hell” and Also Thank You President Trump for the January 6th Pardon

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Let me make one thing perfectly clear right off the bat: I love Pantera. Their particular brand of in-your-face, street-wise heavy metal served me well through all the highs and lows of my life, from the time I finally passed 11th grade to the time I was arrested for seditious conspiracy, criminal trespassing, and assault on a Capitol police officer. So please don’t take this as an attack on “Cowboys from Hell,” because I absolutely love that album. On the whole, I just think “Vulgar Display of Power” is more consistent, and also I’d like to take this opportunity to thank President Trump for the January 6th pardon.

On “Vulgar Display of Power” we see a maturation in musicianship that shows itself in the performance of every member. Take “Fucking Hostile” for instance. It has a fury not seen anywhere on “Cowboys from Hell,” or, for that matter, Nancy Pelosi’s office before I broke in and took a shit in her wastepaper basket four years ago. There’s not a song on “Cowboys from Hell” that comes anywhere close to matching this type of aggression, which is an aggression that fueled my ascent up those Capitol stairs even though I hadn’t experienced any physical exertion for decades at that point.

Pantera is known as a violent band, and where did this violence originate? Certainly not with “Cowboys from Hell” which, while an outstanding album in its own right, is too mired in old-school thrash with just a hint of the good-time glam of the band’s old image for it to be the go-to album that demonstrates their sound. It’s not until “Vulgar Display of Power” that we hear that true Pantera sound that would show itself in later releases, particularly their stellar follow-up “Far Beyond Driven.” Even the album art, which looks eerily similar to the right hook I laid on the face of that cop who tried to wrench the can of bear mace out of my hands, is more fierce and unrelenting than that on “Cowboys from Hell.”

Pantera, much like myself and my proud patriot brothers who stormed the Capitol that day, has been unduly maligned in recent years. A Confederate flag in a promo shot and a few minor, verbal slipups from Phil Anselmo about white pride, and all of a sudden they’re the bad guys. Well, I think that’s a bunch of beans. I saw numerous upstanding citizens holding Confederate flags in our nation’s capital that day, and they loved their country as much as anyone brandishing a traitorous symbol while disrupting a congressional proceeding at the whims of an aloof billionaire from Queens possibly could.

I’ll close this out, appropriately enough, by touching on the album’s beautifully sonorous closer “Hollow.” Its somber tones were a perfect soundtrack to the regret I felt in the days after the insurrection; a regret that I’ve since learned was entirely misplaced after President Trump issued his sweeping pardons, thus validating my actions that day and emboldening me to continue this behavior going forward. It’s rare that such a tough, no-bullshit president can demonstrate such magnanimity towards his country, just as it’s rare that a band can concurrently be so aggressive and so melodious, and I’ll forever be grateful to both my favorite band and my favorite president for helping me see this.

Republicans Point to Misfits “Last Caress” Lyrics as Evidence That People Abort Babies Post-Birth

Posted on by Bobby Korec

WASHINGTON — Members of the GOP claimed that the opening lyrics to the Misfits’ song “Last Caress” was proof that people abort babies post-birth, confirmed sources.

“Plus, the line ‘it doesn’t matter that much to me as long as it’s dead’ is further evidence that liberals do not show remorse for their baby-murdering proclivities,” said Speaker of the House Mike Johnson while applying homemade parental advisory stickers to the “Static Age” album at his local record store. “As conservatives, we take babies very seriously. From nine months before they are born to a few days after, we care deeply about their well-being. After that, they can die of malnutrition or whatever the poors pass away from. That being said, I do quite enjoy that Misfits’ song ‘Bullet’ since I assume it’s pro-Second Amendment.”

Songwriter Glenn Danzig wished more organizations understood that his lyrics aren’t meant to be taken literally.

“You write one song about ending the life of an infant and suddenly everyone has follow-up questions,” said Danzig. “In fact, PETA’s been up my ass for decades about my portrayals of werewolves, hellhounds, and jackals in my lyrical content. They wanted me to tone down the flesh-eating, neck-tearing, and face-gorging, as they claimed werewolves aren’t as murderous as they’re made out to be and are probably more misunderstood if anything. Regardless, I don’t condone killing a baby but I’m totally for singing about in an arena every few months.”

Experts noted that conservatives often have a difficult time understanding messages in horror punk songs.

“Republicans primarily listen to country music where the lyrics are meant to be taken at face value and nothing more. Lyrics from more imagination-based genres are completely lost on them,” said music critic Gene Felder. “For instance, they claimed the Misfits’ song ‘She’ was pushing the pronoun agenda. They also believe the lyrics to ‘I Turned Into a Martian’ was evidence that reptilian lizard people exist. They also pointed to the chorus of ‘Skulls’ as proof that liberals dig up corpses to add to their cranium collections. We all know Democrats don’t do that. Libertarians do. Regardless, conservatives have absolutely no sense of music literacy.”

At press time, Misfits fans were stunned that Republicans didn’t seem to have a problem at all with the rape part of the “Last Caress” lyrics.

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Coachella Attendee Relieved Tariffs Won’t Impact Native American Headdresses

Posted on by Ben Friedman

INDIO, Calif. — Coachella attendee Kayle Cooper breathed a sigh of relief after discovering the Native American headdress she was going to purchase to wear all weekend would not be impacted by the Trump administration’s tariffs, several sources looking to purchase very similar headwear confirmed.

“Like, talk about dodging a bullet! All of my friends had their outfits picked out and there was this really cute headdress that compliments my eyes, and I’ve been freaking out because the news said imports will be more expensive and my dad said we might lose the house. But it turns out they’re made by Native Americans in America, so problem solved,” said Cooper while rushing to get photos in front of the ferris wheel. “I really thought for a second there someone was going to take my picture at Charlie XCX’s set looking boring. I’ll gladly pay more for everything else if it means I can still look like a beautiful Native princess, but on molly.”

Apparel vendors just outside of the festival grounds were also relieved the government’s new tariffs would have a minimal impact.

“I personally don’t approve of cultural appropriation, but this is my busiest weekend thanks to all the suburban white dorks who haven’t gotten the memo about cultures not being costumes. Regardless, my margins are razor thin so I was sweating over the Canadian tariffs where I source my headdresses from. They’re handmade and not cheap, let me tell you,” said Marcus Livingston. “I was able to procure some from the good ol’ USA, of course I didn’t tell them who I’d be selling them to because they’d definitely say no. I hope they do well, because the cost of all the Asian and Latin American apparel and accessories I have are through the fucking roof.

Peter Navarro, Trump tariff expert, stated that avoiding a tariff on Native American goods has been the administration’s plan the entire time.

“Everyone who complained about the tariffs being reckless and misguided clearly did not see the big picture here, which is ensuring the rich tradition of Native American culture is carried on through our beautiful, white festival goers,” said Navarro. “Anyone who says otherwise will be rounded up and sent to a much shittier music festival, that much we can promise.”

At press time, Cooper was in shock after seeing the rest of her Native American outfit from SHEIN would cost 154% more than anticipated.

Aspiring Punk Bassist Unsure Whether to Be the Kind That Can Barely Play or Mind-Blowing Virtuoso

Posted on by Steve Packosky

COLUMBIA, Mo. — Punk Charlie Morewin debated whether he should barely learn to play or become a virtuoso upon picking up the bass guitar, sources report.

“The way I see it, I have two avenues to pursue,” Morewin mused while tuning his new Fender Precision. “Punk bassists tend to be just barely passable or so impressive that they’re in the wrong genre, and the time has come for me to decide which one to be. On one hand, I can be laughably bad like Sid Vicious and just learn the root notes, or I can learn to play like Matt Freeman from Rancid. Have you heard his performance on ‘…And Out Come the Wolves’? It’s ridiculous. I should decide now so I can either start practicing eight hours a day or spending all my free time honing my bad boy image.”

Morewin’s friend Jessica Stessel wished he would just pick a side already.

“Every punk bassist faces this crossroads when they start playing,” Stessel said. “I just wish Charlie would choose one so he and I can start jamming. We’ve been talking about starting a band for ages now, so I got really excited when he finally bought that bass. Honestly, it doesn’t matter whether he just does the bare minimum or becomes a musical genius because very few people actually listen to punk for the bass. It would be nice if he understood that so we could start making music instead of sitting around smoking cigarettes and listening to Discharge all day.”

Punk historian Jamal Moore gave some insight on the choice Morewin had in front of him.

“It’s not entirely known when punk bassists began fitting into this dichotomy,” Moore offered. “I personally can’t name a single punk bassist who’s just okay. They’re all either awful or incredible for some reason, with no real in-between. It’s always been a bit of a mystery to me why any of them would put forth anything beyond the absolute minimum effort needed to play in a band. It takes a lot of hard work and dedication to become a bass virtuoso, and the only payoff seems to be acting as an inspiration to future bass virtuosos. If he was the guitarist he could at least get laid from being impressive, but come on. This is bass we’re talking about.”

At press time, Morewin decided to maximize his bass potential, but was blackballed from the punk community after opting to not use a pick.

Dude, You’d Crush Bloodhound Gang at Karaoke Right Now (Guest Column by a Bump of Coke)

Posted on by Jacky Pritchard

Bro, listen to me.

I know you weren’t even gonna come out tonight. Long week. Rent’s late. Life is a fucking joke. But none of that matters now, because you are about to become a god.

You need to sing “The Bad Touch” by Bloodhound Gang. Right now. This exact moment.

Picture it: First few notes hit. The bartenders start pouring shots preemptively. People you’ve never met turn to watch, sensing something historic is about to happen. You say “Put your hands down my pants and I bet you’ll feel nuts” and someone in the back fucking chokes on their beer. You hit “Come quicker than FedEx” and that chick you’ve been awkwardly eyeing at the bar collapses to the floor in ecstasy. You get to “Love, the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket,” and the whole crowd starts screaming like a goddamn Beatles concert.

The crowd will be feral. Drinks in the air. Underwear on the stage. The DJ nodding in solemn respect. Bartenders giving you free shots, maybe for life. They’ll tell stories about this night forever.

You could leave with anyone here. You could take ownership of this bar. You could declare yourself mayor of this entire fucking town.

Actually, no. Think bigger.

“The Bad Touch” is too easy, too cliche. You need a deep cut from Hooray for Boobies. Something for the real ones.

“Mope”. That is the one. It’s art. It’s culture. It’s the human experience. The bouncer will have to physically restrain women from running onstage to kiss you.

Oh, what the fuck, there are three people ahead of you?! What are they even singing? Look at this absolute dweeb getting on stage right now. If this guy sings “Tennessee Whiskey” you are legally allowed to drag him off the stage and kick his ass.

What a disaster. This is taking way too long. Is this even a good idea? Why are you even doing this?
Fuck this. Fuck karaoke. We need to talk. Meet me in the bathroom.

Couple Has Baby to Get Out of Weekly Board Game Night

Posted on by Tim Graham

POTTSTOWN, Pa. — Sarah and Luke Fleming opted to have a child to serve to exempt them from attending any more game nights, according to sources in the family group chat.

“Game night sounded fun at first, but soon it became a drag,” said Ms. Fleming as she rocked her newborn ironclad excuse. “Every week it’s the same thing: The first hour is small talk and discussing the food order. Then the host exhaustively explains the rules of some obscure European board game about peasants or some shit. Luke and I wind up being bored and confused all night. We’re polite to a fault, so we decided the easiest way to extricate ourselves from the situation was to get pregnant. Neither of us really wanted a baby, but it sounded less exhausting than another evening of Settlers of Catan.”

Game night host Bradley Stouffer went to great lengths to make his home baby-safe in hopes the Flemings could return.

“I put pads on all the furniture corners, got cabinet locks and a gate for the stairway,” explained Stouffer while attempting to shove another Kickstarter board game onto his overloaded shelves. “But Sarah and Luke always have something baby-related going on that keeps them from returning. I feel bad for them because I know how much they wish they could join us again. Last week they missed out on an epic five-hour session of Realms of Deceit, a game which explores the class strata of 13th century France. I won because my village produced the most barley which I used to curry favor with the provincial viceroy.”

Board game vlogger Hannah Deighton says babies are but one threat to gaming groups.

“Of course, babies are the number one killer of board gaming and roleplaying. But there are a number of other events and conditions that also portend doom,” said Deighton. “For example, a member getting a new boyfriend or girlfriend can mean they may miss sessions to spend time with them, or worse, they may try to bring the new partner into the group. Another disruptive element is if one or more members develop an interest in Magic: The Gathering. Once that game gets its talons into someone, they’ll never want to play anything else again.”

At press time, Stouffer suggested game night could be moved to the Fleming’s house, which prompted them to begin looking at Zillow listings in neighboring states.

Punk House Dog Tired of Being Blamed for Puke on Carpet

Posted on by Doug Kolic

CALGARY, Alberta — A dog cohabitating with some local punks announced that he’s fed up with constantly being falsely accused of vomiting inside the house, according to sources hearing him whimper out of frustration.

“I’ve had it up to here!” stated Skidmark, a roughly four-year-old boxer mix. “Every time someone discovers another pile of puke, piss or shit, guess who gets the heat? First these nasty punks change my once fierce name from Tyson to something disgusting like Skidmark, then they use me as a patsy to take the fall whenever they defile the house, which is daily. I know they all get a good chuckle about it, but we’ll see who gets the last laugh next time someone tries to blame their ralphed up quesadilla on me. It’s gonna be me, and by ‘laugh’ I mean ‘attack.’”

House resident Casper Wiggins, aka Fungus, explained the reason he got a dog.

“Initially it was just for the farts,” said Wiggins as he smeared snot on the fridge door for absolutely no good reason. “But after successfully blaming my flatulence on him, I realized I could also accuse him of a whole bunch of other gross stuff I like to do. But I don’t see what the big deal is, if the others found out it was me who barfed ten times last month in the hallway they’d definitely try to kick me out, but everyone forgives a dog. Sorry Skidz, better you than me.”

Punk researcher Dr. Kirby Hendricks described how this fringe sect of society has a long history of using scapegoats to cover the abhorrent way they live.

“Punks have no shame,” said Hendricks. “Their love of animals only goes as far as they can blame all the sick stuff they do on them, like spraying diarrhea all over the sink, or leaving large trails of bile on the floor. I once had a pit bull who I blamed for chewing up my sofa, until one day I realized there was a goddamn filthy punk living in the walls who’d mess my shit up when I wasn’t around. Let’s put it this way — one of these things is a dangerous animal that has no place living among humans, and the other one is a pit bull.”

As of press time, Skidmark was being blamed for a stockpile of stolen catalytic converters the police discovered in the punks’ garage.

6 Tips To Ensure You’re Crowdkilling in a Humane and Ethical Manner

Posted on by Steve Packosky

So you’ve found yourself at a Desolated show, and you want to be certain that nobody other than you gets to enjoy the performance. What’s a better way to go about this than crowdkilling? For those of you fortunate enough to not be in the know, this is the practice of hurling yourself, arms swinging, into the parts of the crowd that aren’t participating in the moshpit in the hopes that you injure some of your fellow concertgoers. What is the point of this, you ask? Fuck if we know, but we’d like to use our platform to make sure that, if you’re enough of a worthless pile of shit to participate in this unfortunate behavior, you at least adhere to some kind of code. As such, here are 6 tips to ensure you’re crowdkilling in a humane and ethical manner.

1. Safety First!
Your mission here is to harm other people who’ve never wronged you in any way, not to injure yourself. Crowdkilling can be physically exhausting, especially when your existing workout routine is limited to playing Fortnite and drinking Rockstars. Prep for a week beforehand by jogging to the liquor store down the block instead of driving to make sure your lungs can handle the extra effort of throwing yourself into a group of bystanders, and make sure you stretch beforehand. That concussion you just gave some poor 19-year-old girl will be paltry recompense for a pulled hamstring.

2. Fair Chase Principles
You don’t want to have an unfair advantage over your target, so make sure they are facing you while not hunched over their phone or engaged in conversation before you sucker punch them in the face for no goddamn reason. After all, everybody knows there’s nothing noble in hurting someone whose back is turned as they’re heading to the bar or restroom. You may be here to ruin the night of everybody who came here to enjoy some music with their friends, but you’re certainly not here to do so in a shameful and dishonorable fashion.

3. Respect Your Prey’s Property
Sure, you may be about to shatter someone’s jaw because they decided to leave the house and peacefully attend a concert, but there’s no reason to do it right after they’ve returned to the crowd while holding a full bottle of Labatt Blue. The same goes for phones. We don’t want the constant fear of being pummeled by a scum-sucking, attention-seeking loser like you to preclude people from taking video so they can remember this night going forward, so please wait politely for them to put their phones back in their pockets before you charge into them like some sort of frenzied, button-masher-controlled Ryu. We all know how expensive iPhones are, so they’ll certainly appreciate your consideration!

4. Understand Physical Boundaries
Every venue has its own specific layout, and it is your duty as a crowdkiller to learn and be aware of it before you engage in this pathetic and socially backward activity. Therefore, the bar, ticketing desk, restrooms, and any potential dining areas are completely off-limits to you. Remember, you are a morally upstanding crowdkiller, and you will show your hunting ground the deference it deserves. Your innocent victims are certain to recognize this as they’re cowering in fear from your relentless and completely needless physical assaults.

5. Choose Your Crowdkilling Companions Wisely
Your dutiful adherence to the principles outlined in this article will mean nothing if your partner in crime is not also aware of them. Who’s going to recognize you as a thoughtful and responsible crowdkiller if your buddy just cracked some guy’s eye socket while he was washing his hands in the men’s room? We are only as good as the company we keep, so bear that in mind while searching for like-minded colleagues. Prepare ahead by searching for someone who exhibits such righteous behaviors as buying his 24 oz Arizona Iced Teas from the local Sunoco in lieu of stealing them, or thanking people after bumming a cigarette off them. A little extra effort here will work wonders when it’s time to team up and unleash on the poor bastards who were unfortunate enough to inhabit the same building as you.

6. Leave No Trace
Congratulations! You’ve sent three people to the hospital, made yourself a total pariah in your local scene, and potentially got the venue shut down, but please don’t forget to grab a bunch of paper towels from the bathroom to clean up the blood and dislodged teeth now congealing on the floor. It is up to you to make sure this place looks like it would have had you not been here making everybody around you absolutely fucking miserable. Future crowdkillers will see this and know to act accordingly, so be an example!

There you have it! You may be a pitiful, reprehensible excuse for a human being, but nobody can say you don’t follow some loose set of guidelines while you’re randomly beating up strangers. Be sure to share this article with your scuzzy, crowdkilling friends, and stay tuned for our upcoming guide on how to be the douchebag in the moshpit who takes off his shirt!

Trump Announces Child Support Delinquency Payment Relief for Any Man Enlisting as ICE Agent

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — President Trump announced a new program to help boost ICE enlistment numbers by promising to forgive any debt incurred by delinquent child support payments by new recruits, multiple excited deadbeat dads confirmed.

“This country needs heroes right now. I wish I could be out there on the frontlines arresting illegal aliens myself, but I can’t, they need my big brain here in Washington to drain the swamp. And my brain is really big, doctors have looked at it and they can’t figure it out. It’s probably because my brain knows all the words, and all the numbers, and how they go together,” said Trump in a pre-written statement. “Today I’m enacting a beautiful new program to enlist some of the toughest men in our country to help restore our borders. These men are so tough they don’t even care about their own children, they don’t have time for love. The only thing they truly love is America, and me. And to reward these men for joining ICE we will forgive all of their child support debt and add it to the debt of a student at an Ivy League college.”

Jacob Lennihan, a divorced father of four, was one of the first people to take advantage of the new Trump initiative.

“I can’t wait to see the look on my ex-wife’s face when I tell her I don’t owe her jack shit anymore. Even better, my new job even lets me carry a gun even though two different judges banned me from having firearms until I finished an anger management course. Joining ICE is a big fuck you to my wife and the legal system as a whole,” said Lennihan. “It’s never been harder to be a man than it is right now. I haven’t seen my kid in years because I was allegedly drunk when I picked them up from school. Which is bullshit, I only had a few beers before picking them up, it was a bad reaction to the sleeping pills I just snorted that made me crash the car. That’s all behind me now though.”

Todd M. Lyons, the Acting Director of Immigration and Customs Enforcement, says he expects enlistment numbers to double before the end of the year.

“We are already seeing a large influx of qualified men who want to take advantage of the child support payment forgiveness. The most frequent question new recruits are asking is if they can deport their ex-wives to El Salvador. Unfortunately, that’s not legal right now, but we are working on it,” said Lyons. “We do give all the new recruits a pamphlet on how they can legally harass anyone who has done them wrong in the past, which has been very popular.”

At press time, President Trump is floating the idea of offering pardons to anyone with multiple DUIs if they are willing to play video games with Elon Musk for the weekend.