Unhinged Terry Gross Summarizes Entire Movie While Actor Stands By

Posted on by Jeff Bender

PHILADELPHIA — Beloved NPR journalist Terry Gross went rogue Friday during a live on-stage interview in which she summarized the entirety of Jason Momoa’s new movie “The Inmate,” helpless sources reported. 

“I didn’t realize she was going to reveal the whole plot and spoil the ending, which [writer Brad] Ingelsby worked so hard to keep from the public,” said Momoa. “Initially, she started with the premise, as always—‘In this movie you play a man who’s falsely accused of’—but where she usually breaks off to play a clip and then say, ‘Jason Momoa, welcome to ‘Fresh Air,’’ this time she kept going. She blew through the sentencing, the trial, all the way to the Act III climax, where it’s revealed that my character actually did the thing he was accused of. At one point I tried to butt-in, but she snapped, ‘Excuse me, I’m talking,’ and continued reading from her notes.” 

“Fresh Air” producer Ann Marie Baldonado was amazed but not surprised. 

“We’re always worried she’ll pull something like this, especially now that she’s nearing retirement. She actually came close with Dennis Hopper in ’03, but we were able to fix it in post-production,” said Baldonado, who’s worked for the show since 1998. “This time she knew exactly what she was doing. She saw us waving our arms in the wings, but she gave us a very subtle middle finger and continued detailing every aspect of the movie. The audience didn’t seem to know whether it was a joke or if Terry Gross had finally cracked up.” 

After spoiling the whole movie, including its heartbreaking denouement, Gross pumped her fist and addressed the audience. 

“Whew! I feel so free. Every time I launch into a premise, I dream about going all the way. Well, today I did,” said the Peabody and Edward R. Murrow award winner. “And why? Because I watched the whole movie. I took notes. I paid the price. Don’t you think I deserve to go all the way just once in my career? Fifty years I’ve been holding back. You know what that does to a host? If you don’t like it, fuck you.” 

At press time, co-host Tanya Mosley had wrested the microphone away from Gross to say they’d be back after a quick break and that this was “Fresh Air.” 

Yes, My Name Is Actually Dr. Feelgood, and No, I Do Not Regret Specializing in Gastroenterology and Hepatology

Posted on by Steve Packosky

When I decided I wanted to pursue a career in medicine, there were plenty of avenues for me to choose from. I had a few friends in medical school who went into general practice, some went into neurology, and one ambitious gentleman opted for psychiatry. I’ve always been happy with the path I chose. Also—oh, what’s that? No, that’s not a novelty nametag or anything. My name is actually Dr. Feelgood, and no, I do not regret specializing in gastroenterology and hepatology.

Yes, I am aware of the title track from the 1989 Motley Crüe album that bears my namesake, and I assure you any similarities I have to the song’s muse end right there. I am not some purveyor of illicit substances. I have an M.D. from Johns Hopkins University and an active medical license from the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, so please don’t assume you can use me to procure ketamine or cocaine. However, I would be happy to perform an endoscopy if you schedule an appointment. 

Gastroenterology and hepatology are actually quite fascinating if you think about it. Did you know that there’s a direct line between the liver and the brain, and toxin buildup from a badly damaged liver can enter the brain through the bloodstream if—oh, you’re asking me about my name again. Well, yes, it is the name I was born with, and yes, I did choose to become a doctor after the Motley Crüe song had been popularized, but I don’t see how that’s relevant to this discussion.

I think I’ve made myself perfectly clear that my services are limited to things like colonoscopies, barium swallow tests, and stool tests. I could lose my medical license if I sold you recreational drugs, and at any rate, I don’t have any. As I was saying, you know that there have been a lot of really fascinating advancements in the field of gastroenterology in recent years. You can actually take a pill with a camera inside it, and it will take images from inside your digestive tract. Wait, where are you going?

OK, fine. I’ll be happy to sell you something you can use to get high if you’ll agree to listen to me wax intellectual on my life’s work for a little while longer. I heard this Rabeprazole can get you pretty fucked up if you take enough of it. 

Nation’s Deadbeat Dads Demand Some Sort of Summer Fest Featuring Cinderella, Damn Yankees

Posted on by Ryan Darrah

SAN FRANCISCO — Deadbeat dads across the nation demanded some sort of summer music festival featuring Cinderella and Damn Yankees, confirmed sources. 

“Punk fathers have Warped Tour, metalheads have Riotfest, and tryhard dads accompany their kids to Lollapalooza,” claimed 55-year-old Ted Anders. “All I’m saying is that dads like me, who sent gifts on most birthdays and almost went to their graduation, deserve a kick-ass concert, too! Someone needs to think about us men for once. What’s the point of paying local taxes if your town isn’t gonna reward you with a summer fest featuring the metal acts we got wasted to back in high school and last weekend?!”

Journalist Carl Vickers studies Reddit forums most frequented by deadbeat dads.

“Some of their exact requests vary from region to region, with fail-fathers in Florida expecting the concert to punctuate a weekend carnival with exotic animal petting zoos and nightly wet t-shirt contests, while puerile patriarchs in the upper Midwest seem more interested in deep discounts on pitchers of Icehouse Beer for military veterans and anyone who can produce a concealed carry permit,” said Vickers. “But there seems to be consensus among online deadbeat dads that Cinderella should open and close their set with ‘Gypsy Road’ and Damn Yankees should give Ted Nugent free rein to improvise batshit crazy theatrics with a crossbow.” 

Cheryl Ann Wilcox, family therapist and adult daughter of a loser dad, noted that it is quite common for deadbeats to fixate on a perceived slight and not let it go until they’ve blown that fixation so out of proportion as to poison whatever minimal trust or meager goodwill exists in their relationships. 

“Summer festival planners need to remember that the demands of deadbeat dads are largely bluster,”  Wilcox said. “Even if municipalities were to cave and somehow book these bands, and even if they give Ted Nugent a green light to stage some grandiose spectacle of his retrograde politics, the track records of most deadbeat dads demonstrate that they won’t even show up to see it. Or that they’d get so drunk pre-gaming before the fest that they’d pass out in the parking lot at 1:00pm.”

At press time, the nation’s deadbeat dads forgot to pick up their kids from school after Winger came on the radio.   

Turning Point USA to Air Alternative Super Bowl Where Patriots Win

Posted on by Joe Matheson

SANTA CLARA, Calif. — Conservative organization Turning Point USA will air an alternative Super Bowl that will give victory to the New England Patriots, confirmed sources.

“It’s a shame to see the woke NFL media reporting that a West Coast shithole city like Seattle just won the Super Bowl,” said TPUSA spokesperson Andrew Kolvet. “We want to assure our fellow Americans that this is just another plot by the leftist media to make patriots like us look bad. We strive to provide an alternative family-friendly program free of hate, lewdness, and libtard cucks. It will be a celebration of faith, conservative values, and freedom fighters like Drake Maye. Tune in for the Patriots to win by seven touchdowns. Kid Rock will also make an appearance as New England’s featured running back.”

The game will be streamed exclusively on Rumble, where Turning Point USA follower Frank Gregory will be tuning in. 

“I’m so happy that America’s other team won the whole thing. And if you disagree, just remember that alternative facts don’t care about your feelings,” said Gregory without realizing there was nacho cheese stuck in his teeth. “It was also great that the broadcasters were Candace Owens and color commentator Ben Shapiro, and Dan Bongino was head referee. Finally, a fair and balanced NFL game. Either way, I only watched the alternative Super Bowl for the commercials, and I was happy to see most of them were about Jesus Christ and Cialis. Two of my favorite things.”

New England head coach Mike Vrabel was thrilled to win the alt-game. 

“We couldn’t have won Super Bowl LX without Turning Point USA, so we’d like to dedicate this alternative victory to them,” said Vrabel. “The players worked so hard all season, so it makes total sense that we’d win. Sure, critics are calling this nothing more than a participation trophy, but I assure you a win’s a win, no matter if the rules stipulated that we’d start with a 21-point lead to begin the game.”

At press time, Seattle police are responding to calls of a rumored “Patriot Insurrection” at the Seahawks Championship Parade.

Punk Oura Ring Notifies Wearer That They Haven’t Had Cigarette in Over an Hour

Posted on by Sarah Cortina

PORTLAND, Ore. — Makers of the Oura Ring, the health metric wearable, announced an option for punks which notifies wearers that they haven’t had a cigarette in over an hour, confirmed sources. 

“This year is all about growth. It’s all about maximizing our user base, and understanding the client. The customer is always right, right?” explained Jimmy Mitz, Oura VP of Operations. “We’ve already got in our clutches the data of probably everyone who would cough up $400 to track their sleep by the minute so we need to think about how we could best serve a different demographic of potential customers. We discovered that by monitoring the blood oxygen level of users, we’re able to tell when the user is experiencing a nicotine low. So we can send a notification to the person that it’d be best for their state of homoeostasis to light up as soon as possible.” 

Local punk Steve Christian is reportedly pleased with the new Oura developments. 

“I mean honestly it’s about time all these health companies got on board with cigarettes again. Like, tobacco literally comes from the ground. It’s plant-based. So is vodka. And weed. And mushrooms. Like I’m literally vegan,” Christian said as he crunched up a handful of fallen leaves and stuffed them into his mouth.  “It’s also great that it tracks my sleep no matter whose couch I drunkenly pass out on. I really hope it still works when I pierce my septum with it.”

However, Christian’s ring didn’t win over everyone, including Jon Kansas, one of his nine roommates. 

“I mean it’s honestly sad. Like, why do you need a piece of metal on your finger and an app to remind you that you need to do your daily habits like move your legs, light a cigarette, drink publicly, or grift the WiFi from the non profit next door?” said Kansas. “I’m personally super against technology and think we really need to move back from digital to analog. Which is why I’ve taped all of the cigarettes I need in a day to the clock hanging next to my bed.”

At press time, Oura announced a collaboration with Juul so the two devices can work together simultaneously to ensure each punk reaches their daily nicotine needs. 

We Got an Interview With Doyle Wolfgang von Frankenstein Because We Pretended To Be Men’s Health

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Oh hell yeah. We can’t believe we landed an interview with legendary Misfits guitarist Doyle Wolfgang von Frankenstein, and we only had to tell one lie in order to do it. He apparently was only interested in talking about fitness and nutrition, so when we said we were the popular wellness magazine Men’s Health, he eagerly accepted. We figured we could just work around that little fib and get him to talk to us about punk music. Unfortunately, that’s not how things panned out:

The Hard Times: Hi Doyle, it’s great to meet you!

Doyle Wolfgang von Frankenstein: Likewise. Happy to be here.

HT: So how’ve you been?

DWF: I just finished leg day. Front squats, hack squats, seated leg curls and leg extension. I’m exhausted, but I’m sure you know how it is.

HT: Uh…yeah. We definitely know what you just said.

DWF: I was actually hoping to get some advice from you guys on nutrition. I’ve obviously been scaling my carb intake with training volume, and lately I’ve been feeling kind of flat while at the gym, so I’m starting to suspect I’m undercarbed. I’ve been thinking about adding 30-60 grams pre-workout to my diet and maybe a more easily digestible version intra-workout. Do you have any recommendations?

HT: Hmm…carbs?

DWF: Yeah, that’s what I said.

HT: Oh, we just ate some Takis. Does that count?

DWF: Takis? I haven’t heard of that. Is it a gel?

HT: No…it, uh, comes in a solid.

DWF: Great! I’ll have to look into those. Hopefully they’ll be able to help, especially since I’ve started doing interval training. I’ve been closing out lifting sessions with shuttle sprints to boost natural HGH and aid in muscle recovery, and I need a little boost.

HT: Yeah, we know how that is. Hey, do you want to maybe talk about your time in the Misfits and how that relates to…exercise?

DWF: Oh, sorry, I gotta run! I need to go home and eat to make sure I stay in my caloric surplus. It was great talking to you guys!

And that’s it. Sorry, we didn’t get a chance to talk about music, but we suppose it was still cool that we got to sit down with him. Now we’re going to go brush up on S&M before our interview with Fat Mike, because he thinks we’re from Kink.

Suicidal Tendencies’ Mike Muir Now Sporting Full-Body Bandana

Posted on by Tim Graham

VENICE, Calif. — Mike Muir, singer for thrash-punk band Suicidal Tendencies, appeared onstage wearing a bandana large enough to cover his entire body, according to stunned concertgoers.

“If I’m known for anything, it’s my enormous bandanas,” said Muir while sipping a Pepsi through a slit in his full-body garment. “See, where I come from, the size of a man’s bandana is a status symbol. For a long time I would only increase it a little bit at a time. But as soon as it got so big that I had to cut eye holes, I said, ‘Fuck it’ and went all in. Sometimes at lowrider meetups we’ll break out the tape measure and have bandana contests. But now there’s no dispute who’s got the biggest bandana in all of L.A.—and possibly the world.”

Mateo García, Muir’s longtime tailor, says that he’s proud to have helped the singer achieve his dream.

“Mike came to me in the early ‘90s and asked me if I could make him some bespoke, extra-large bandanas since commercially available bandanas just weren’t big enough. Year after year, he would come back asking for me to let them out more and more,” explained García. “Finally, we arrived at what is the logical conclusion of his quest for the largest possible bandana: the full-body bandana. I took some inspiration from the middle eastern thobe as well as the classic ghost costume consisting of a sheet with eyeholes.”

The E Street Band’s Steven Van Zandt, who had been in a decades-long bandana-size competition with Muir, admits defeat.

“That crazy bastard did it,” mused Van Zandt. “Muir is a generational talent in the field of bandana. We got together recently and discussed the history of bandanas and what they mean for our people. He told me that in Latino culture, the bandana has roots in the resistance movements of revolutionary figures like Zapata. And I explained that bandanas worn by caucasians such as myself and Bret Michaels are more cosmetic and are used to hide our receding hairlines and/or bad hair plugs. This is off the record, right?”

At press time, Muir revealed a striking look which included a wedding dress-inspired  eight-foot bandana train and a handler to keep it from dragging on the ground.

In Response to Trump’s Tasteless Meme, We Put His Face on the Body of a Known Rapist and Pedophile

Posted on by Dan Rice

It’s a sad state of affairs that we’ve all just gotten used to childish, wildly inappropriate behavior from our own president. He shares AI slop, calls reporters pigs, says a million things a day that undermine the dignity of the office, and to a point that we’ve actually become bored with it. But just when you think he can sink no lower, the president finds new depths of unpleasantness to debase the American people. 

Yesterday, Donald Trump shared a video featuring a meme of the Obamas as monkeys, a deeply racist image that would be considered crude even for a 15-year-old on 4chan. Well, you know what? We’re tired of taking the high road on this shit. You wanna play dirty, Mr. President? Fine. We have Photoshop too, let’s sink to your level — here is a photo of the president’s head on the body of one of the most depraved criminals of all time, Donald Trump: 

BAM. We went there. Take it in America, your president’s face on the body of a convicted rapist whose name appears in the Epstein files over 38,000 times. 

We know some of you probably think this is a bridge too far, and that progressives need to keep their “moral high ground,” but god dammit, enough is enough! If our commander in chief thinks he can continue to cheapen our collective culture with his crass, hateful rhetoric, it’s high time we throw it right back. Here’s the president’s face on the body of a known war criminal: 

Take that, you piece of shit! Let’s keep going. Here’s the President’s face on the body of a man who makes inappropriate sexual comments about his own daughter: 

That’s right, we’re taking no prisoners today! How about the president as a fascist fucking dictator?

Oh. Snap. Yes, we know these images look grotesque, but you brought this on yourself, Mr. President. Okay, one more. We weren’t going to do this, but screw it, the gloves are off. Here is the face ofthe president of the united states on the body of a guy who shit his own pants during a press conference:

Ice Agent Tries to Deport His Doctor During Open Heart Surgery

Posted on by Zack Zagranis

MINNEAPOLIS — An ICE agent being treated at Abbott Northwestern Hospital in Minneapolis recently attempted to deport the doctor performing his open heart surgery, confirmed sources. 

“One minute I’m macing protesters, laughing, having a good time, and the next minute I’m at the hospital being rushed into an operating room for an emergency triple bypass,” said agent Fred Reynolds. “Suddenly, the guy who’s supposed to be cutting me open comes in and wouldn’t you know it, he’s an Indian! The kind from India, not America. I immediately shook off my anesthesiologist and demanded to see his birth certificate. Surgery can wait. I have humans to deport.”

The agent reportedly tried to jump off the operating table to physically detain surgeon Yusuf Gupta despite already being hooked up to several IVs and an EKG.

“Upon seeing that I was of Pakistani descent, the patient became agitated and started screaming at me to show him ‘my papers’ as well as accusing me of crossing the border from India into America illegally,” said Dr. Gupta. “I tried to tell him that my parents were from Pakistan—not India—and that I was born right here in Minnesota, but he wouldn’t listen. The patient is minutes away from a major cardiac episode, he’s going to die if I don’t start operating on him, and his biggest concern is whether I’m a citizen or not. How crazy is that? We finally got him sedated, although he did wake up once during the actual surgery but only enough to point a finger gun at me and slur the words ‘Fucking bitch’ before passing back out. Amazingly, despite everything, the surgery was a success.”

United States Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem discussed the incident during a press conference yesterday, praising the ICE agent for his commitment to his duties and accusing Dr. Gupta of interfering in a legal immigration operation.

“That brave ICE agent was doing exactly what he was trained to do—accusing people with abnormal pigmentation of coming here illegally. Between Alex Pretti and now Dr. Gupta it’s clear that many of America’s doctors and nurses have been radicalized by ANTIFA and other domestic terrorist groups like the American Medical Association.” said Noem. “As ICE continues to lower its recruitment standards, we expect an influx of physically unfit agents, which will no doubt result in a steep increase in ER visits. As such, we recommend that medical professionals begin carrying their birth certificates or naturalization papers tucked somewhere in their scrubs at all times.”

At press time, Reynolds was under fire for allegedly threatening to deport a Korean massage therapist after she refused to give him a happy ending.

Opinion: I’m Not Bad at Remembering Names, You’re Bad at Being Memorable

Posted on by Samuel Abraham

If there’s one thing this country loves to do, it’s bandy around the word ‘toxic,’ and I submit to you all that we have long overlooked a true source of toxicity: placing the effort to remember names squarely on other people instead of others taking it upon themselves to be goddamn interesting for a change. That’s why I have decided to unburden myself of the stress of feeling insecure that I can’t remember your names and put the blame squarely on you for boring me. 

I searched my soul, and I realized something: I always remember the names of people who capture my attention or fascinate me. I met a guy named Garth at a party once who told me he accidentally set his nuts on fire after spilling kerosene on his pants, and then having his lighter explode when he took too big a rip out of a hot dog-shaped bong. Garth will live in my mind forever because they actually had an interesting story.

I’m no longer trying strategies from your fake self-help entrepreneurial garbage literature, suggesting that I just repeat some assholes dumb name enough until it sticks. I’m also finished with scurrying to my notes app to jot names down next to an identifiable feature. It’s time that we enter a new era where we all take accountability for ourselves, and we start with everyone developing a goddamn well-rounded personality that actually makes you memorable.

Don’t tell me about your job. Tell me about when an orca crushed your uncle to death at Sea World. Oh, that didn’t happen to you? Well, it happened to Quinn, a woman I met on a bus, whom I will never forget. 

Oh, you’re new in town? How about instead, tell me about your birthmark that looks like Glenn Danzig.

You’re a big foodie? Maybe instead, tell me about when you were kidnapped for ransom and forced to learn how to cook for yourself because your captors had an EZ-Bake oven next to the radiator you were chained to?

From here on out, know this: I’m not playing your toxic games anymore. Get interesting. Do something worth remembering.