Feuding Drum Circles Put Differences Aside to Form One Big Unemployment Line

Posted on by Courtney Hill

SANTA CRUZ, Calif. — Two rival drum circles were forced to reconcile their differences and form one civilized unemployment line, sources willing to get close enough to the crunchy collectives reported.

“It all started when the two drum circles accidentally switched rainsticks in the chaos of, ironically, a sudden afternoon rain storm,” city parks monitor Joe Schultz explained while pulling a car battery out of a recycling bin. “Instead of admitting the honest mix-up they accused one another of stealing each other’s gear and since then it’s been a constant back-and-forth. One day they’ll be arguing over who has the right to circle up around the magic stump, the next someone will have put a curse on a didgeridoo and the cycle just continues. Of course, come 9 a.m. on the 15th of the month you can hear the bongos and timbales hit the ground as everyone walks across the street to file for unemployment. Then it’s right back to bitter rivals.”

Lead djembe player for one of the circles Dalton Higsby Chesterworth III, who prefers to go simply by Dust, wanted to set the record straight.

“The trouble with the rainsticks- which we did not start- is hardly the core of the dispute,” Chesterworth explained while untangling a pair of airline earbuds from his thinning blond dreadlocks. “Truth is, our percussion ensemble is the chosen voice of Mother Gaia. It is through our instruments that her message of peace and unity is amplified across all humanity. So when these poser clownbag hacks come rollin’ up to our sacred space to exploit our vibe stash with their rag-tag circle, we have to make them feel as unwelcome as possible in order to restore cosmic harmony. Lining up for unemployment is purely a necessary courtesy since I’ve renounced my parents’ fortune in pursuit of this ascetic path. Meanwhile I strongly doubt those other freeloaders’ right to a handout is any more authentic than their drumming.”

Meryl Koss, state benefit officer for Santa Cruz county, wasn’t the least bit surprised by the behavior of the feuding circles.

“Collecting government assistance has always been the great unifier of this country,” Koss explained with a reassuring sigh. “From clashing protesters to tense paramilitary standoffs, no cause is ever so righteous it’s worth jeopardizing the flow of dole. Beyond that, lots of relationships actually start in the unemployment line. Half of the folks from one of those drum circles are involved with someone from the other. It’s like an office romance for people without a job.”

At press time, the fueding drum circles once again set aside their differences to form one big line at a nearby water foundation to stave off dehydration.

Fossil Fuel Industry Blames Global Environmental Crisis on Denver Man Who Doesn’t Recycle

Posted on by Tim Graham

DENVER — A multinational non-renewable energy corporation is attempting to pin all of Earth’s environmental problems on an individual from Colorado, according to sources who are just glad it’s not them to blame.

“The oil, coal and natural gas industries are doing everything they can to mitigate the effects of their products on the environment,” said spokesperson Alexis Stevens while tenderly cleaning oil from a baby duck. “But all of our efforts won’t make a bit of difference if consumers don’t do their part. Our research shows that the majority of the world’s current environmental issues are due to one Stewart Dubois of Denver, Colorado. Mr. Dubois has repeatedly demonstrated his disregard for the welfare of the planet by consistently putting the wrong items in recycling bins, as well as by owning a grossly inefficient vehicle. For shame, Mr. Dubois, for shame.”

Dubois was taken aback by the accusation, but said he will attempt to lessen his impact on the planet.

“Gee whiz, I had no idea I was causing such a problem,” said Dubois. “I do try to recycle, but between work, taking care of my kids and volunteering at the food pantry I admit I’ve let it fall by the wayside. As far as my gas-guzzler: I promise I’ll sell my ‘65 Charger, as much as I love it. It really does have bad gas mileage. I only drive it a few times a year to the local car show and had no idea it was producing enough pollution to cause a global catastrophe! I appreciate the oil and gas people pointing out my failures, and I promise to do better.”

Environmental activists have pushed back against the oil industry’s attempts to pass the buck.

“This is just another cynical attempt by corporations to blame consumers for problems they’ve caused,” said The Sierra Club’s Greg Lambert. “Only five percent of plastic that is intended to be recycled actually is, while the rest is thrown away. It’s all performative nonsense meant to shame the public into thinking it’s their fault the Earth is going to shit. This is similar to when a desperate Bear Stearns tried to blame the 2008 financial crisis on a Missouri man who was a few days late on his mortgage payment.”

At press time, Dubois had promised to ride his bicycle 49 hours to an upcoming conference in Omaha in an effort to lessen his carbon footprint.

How to Reframe Eating an Entire Freezer Pizza in One Sitting Every Single Night as “Intermittent Fasting”

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

I think fad diets are as stupid as the next guy, but not all fad diets are created equal. I’ve recently taken to eating an entire large freezer pizza every single night as my only viable source of nutrients (along with 10 or 12 beers), which is not met with the positive reception you’d think. Since life is mostly a long game of bending the truth until it’s seen in a much more favorable light, I’ve reframed my binge-eating and drinking disorder as “intermittent fasting,” and suddenly everybody wants a piece of the pie.

Now, there are different variations of intermittent fasting that you should be familiar with before diving into the DiGiorno deep-end, and I’m going to give you the rundown.

There’s the “16/8” method, when you fast for two-thirds of the day, and then consume all of your calories within an eight-hour window. This is a good starting point, especially if you’re into day-drinking.

And then there’s the more favorable “23/1,” one-meal-a-day, or OMAD method, which is the one I subscribe to every single night as I plow through a Screamin’ Sicilian Stuffed Crust pepperoni pizza with two-and-a-half feet of cheese in the crust alone. After your sixth double IPA, compounded by the fact that you’ve not eaten anything in nearly a day, you may as well be eating paper, so this is easy eating.

Call it alcoholism and a poor diet, but I call it “half-in-the-bag macro hacking.”

And let me tell you, I’ve never felt better. My movements are more regular, even though bloody stool is an increasingly common occurrence. I sleep like a rock every single night because there’s so much grain, dairy, and meat sloshing around in my stomach that I basically fall into a state of shock before eventually waking up to the sound of my own screaming after yet another heartburn-induced, sweat-drenched nightmare.

Most importantly, I’ve lost about thirty pounds since telling everybody how I’m really just getting my steps in and tracking my caloric intake whenever they ask, “what’s your secret?” and I don’t want to answer with “throwing up first thing every morning and waiting until sunset before heating up another Freschetta flat-bread to gorge on in the darkness of my apartment.”

Just make sure you get a couple deluxe pies under your belt, because the green peppers and olives will be your only reliable source of fiber at this point, and you’re gonna need it.

5 Rare Cheeses My Apartment Smells Like Despite the Fact That I’m Vegan

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

As a strong proponent of animal rights, as well as someone who understands the climate impact of large-scale agriculture, I pride myself on being a vegan. No animal products enter my domicile. That said, my apartment smells fucked up. But for those who take part in eating animal products, my apartment smells like a cheesemonger’s paradise. This has made me appreciate it a bit more because I get all the benefits of a cheese shop with none of the animal cruelty. So close your eyes and let your nose do the talking as we get to experience the aromas of high-end cheeses, without involving cows, sheep, or goats. Bon appétit!

Limburger

The classic and probably most known “stinky cheese”. Infamous for its strong, pungent aroma, Limburger is often compared to dirty socks. Which checks out, as I honestly can’t remember the last time I did laundry. I saw on TikTok that if you put your dirty socks out in the sun, the UV rays kill all bacteria in there. And as we all know, TikTok is always right. So I should try that. But I haven’t.

Roquefort

While I’ve never had it, my bloodmouth friends have told me Roquefort is actually quite delicious. However, it can have a strong, tangy smell that many describe as being similar to moldy or damp environments. So that makes sense since the tangy aroma of an expensive blue sheep cheese has been wafting from the pile of towels in the bathroom. All it takes is one post-shower use of my cheese towels, and you’ll be swept away on a magical trip to southern France. And then of course you’ll take a magical trip to the shower again because you’re gonna need some scrubbing to get that smell off. Sacre Bleu!

Vieux Boulogne

This cheese from coastal Northern France, is made from cow’s milk and has a washed rind that apparently contributes to its intense aroma. Many describe the smell as being similar to fish or even a large fish market. Vieux Boulogne has even been called the smelliest cheese in the world! Pretty amazing. What’s not amazing, is that I’m honestly not sure where the fishy Vieux Boulogne-esque smell in my apartment is coming from. I feel like when I stand near the radiator I can smell it the strongest. But it’s not coming from the actual radiator itself. And then sometimes when I’m on the couch, I feel like it’s wafting from the cushions. But after a solid sniff test, those cushions are a cheddar at most. But I suppose the key to keeping life interesting is mystery!

Taleggio

Mama Mia! This Italian cheese has a distinct aroma that some compare to earthy mushrooms and fungi. And I’ll tell you one thing: this fun-guy has had a crotch itch for about 5 months that’s whipping a Taleggio stank that’ll make even the most seasoned of Cheesemongers do a double take. Is it a fungus? Is it a rash? Is it just body odor caked on from years of playing basement shows with no ventilation? No one really knows. Including the CDC. Believe me, I’ve been contacted. But one thing’s for sure: my unwashed undercarriage smells like Italian cheese.

Casu Marzu

Our final entry is a traditional Sardinian cheese known for its pungency, as well as its dubious legality. This hard-to-find cheese is made by allowing fly larvae, otherwise known as maggots, to infest the cheese, which then break down the fats, resulting in a very pungent and sometimes fecal-like odor. Now before get you all judgmental: There’s no poop on my floor or anything gross like that. In fact the enticing aroma of Casu Marzu is coming from a wound on my leg. I open up my shin pretty bad, attempting to tre flip an 8-stair. Instead of going to the doctor I just wrapped one of my socks around it. But I think the sock has kinda fused with the wound. And I saw a documentary about how sometimes maggots can clean wounds, so… well you get it. Basically gourmands wanna smell my cheese leg, and I’ve got about 34 new wriggling animal companions. Talk about a win/win!

4th Installment of “Decline of Western Civilization” to Focus on Depressing World of Punks Becoming Conservative Nutjobs

Posted on by Chris Bowen

LOS ANGELES — The newest installment of the classic punk and heavy metal documentary series “Decline of the Western Civilization” will feature a telling look into the lives of punks who became right-wing conservative crackpots as they aged, sources report.

“I thought filming all those sad, hopeless gutter punks in my third film and a drunken Chris Holmes in a swimming pool in the second one were never going to be topped. But seeing how many ‘punks’ have fallen victim to the conservative MAGA bullshit, I’ve truly outdone myself in exposing the scene’s sad state of affairs,” film director Penelope Spheeris explained. “I think these interviews with anti-vaxxers like Dicky Barrett and ‘anti-woke’ crusaders like Johnny Rotten will show the world of ‘conservative punks’ and how utterly sad and contradictory that phrase truly is.”

Derrick Eastman, a self-proclaimed “MAGA punk,” talked about being proud to be featured in the film.

“It’s great to see a film documenting the true punks out there, and not the whiny, inclusive, woke posers who suckle at the teet of the government, that’s why I throw all my energy in to supporting Trump, he’s the true spirit of punk, because he’s rich and from New York,” Eastman stated, adding that total authority against wokeism is as punk as it gets these days. “To hell with all that garbage about anarchy, equal rights, and acceptance. Punk is about state’s rights, fetal personhood, and the Second Amendment.”

A few members of the community were once bitten by the right-wing bug, but eventually came to their senses.

“All it took was one listen to ‘Nazi Punks, Fuck Off’ and hearing myself think ‘damn, Jello has always been a woke cuck, huh?’ for me to sit back and realize the monster I had become,” former conservative punk Wendy Bilowitz explained. “Can you believe the same guys who cried to ‘smash the state’ in their youth still claim they want to ‘smash the state’ even though they want to replace the state with a hate-filled puppet ignorant despot? So glad I got ‘woke’ when I did. Plus Burzum was starting to sound good to me and I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemies.”

At press time, conservative punks were in the process of building their version of CBGB’s called MAGA’s, but thankfully it burnt down due to faulty wiring.

Rob Thomas Announces Divided Nation Needs a Little of That Ol’ Rob Thomas Magic

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

BEDFORD, N.Y. — Matchbox Twenty lead singer and primary songwriter Rob Thomas announced that the United States of America, a divided nation caught in a chaotic and disturbing time period, needs a little of that ol’ Rob Thomas magic, confirmed sources who thought he might actually have a point.

“My fellow Americans,” began Thomas. “Our beautiful country is deeply unwell, to use the poetry of my own 2002 Billboard Hot 100 top five hit. We are alienated from our fellow citizens by extremist politics, the rising threat of global fascism, a disturbing trend toward White Nationalism clothed in the language of religiosity, and subpar modern soft rock hits. Despite this, I truly believe that everybody’s trusting in their heart, and though sometimes you can still lose even if you really try, it’s time for me and maybe a backup band to bring back some of my alternative pop rock magic to heal our fractured collective psyche.”

Matchbox Twenty and solo Thomas fan Devin Stanton was thrilled to hear that the composer of “Long Day” was prepared to do his part to revitalize a country seemingly caught in a never-ending spiral of anxiety and gloom.

“I haven’t felt like this since Rob showed up on ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’ with Sinbad,” said Stanton. “The full-throated enthusiasm, the vital energy tinged with melancholy, the universal accessibility of vaguely personal lyricism; that guy from Matchbox Twenty is just the thing this country needs to be made whole again. In fact, I might just go out right now and get some small gold hoop earrings to remind myself of the magic that is the man who wrote ‘Push’ in the mid-90s.”

United States Vice President and prospective Democratic Party nominee Kamala Harris was swift to praise Thomas and his plan to revitalize the country.

“Rob is one of America’s greatest living songwriters,” said Harris. “His songs exist in the context of all in which the U.S. lives, which is to say, the feeling of being 22 and going through kind of a hard breakup. Unlike my opponents in the GOP, I have been a fan of Rob’s since ‘Tabitha’s Secret’ and own a first-edition vinyl of ‘Yourself or Someone Like You.’ I doubt Trump can even name three Rob Thonas songs. That’s why we are known as the party of Matchbox Twenty. We say this to Rob: what can be, unburdened by what has been, is the kind of lovin’ that can be so smooth.”

At press time, Thomas was surrounded by a group of joyful, attractive Americans dancing in the street as Carlos Santana waited by the phone.

If Joe Biden Doesn’t Close the Border How Can I Comfortably Live in Rural South Dakota

Posted on by Chris Bratton

You can’t turn on the damn TV without seeing ‘those’ people pouring over the border these days. They stomp their muddy feet on the doormat, kick the door open and come get comfy in our home. And hell, Joe and Kamala are leaving out snacks for them in the kitchen, putting fresh sheets on the bed, leaving get-out-of-jail cards for their heroin and permission slips to sex our woman.

As South Dakotans we have done our part to help people; we took a group who could care less about our beautiful Mount Rushmore and gave them protected reservations. We should have been the ones with reservations though, because they thanked us by getting all BLM protest-y when we tried to slip a little pipeline through. Oil is the blood we run on, who wouldn’t want to be close to a vein? And it’s easy to see that both groups have some, eh, physical similarities.

Not to mention, a few years ago, we dealt with another invasion and barely made it through. Our fine state was overrun with stupid New Englanders and lefty Californians, all here to see where HBO’s “Deadwood” filmed. You ever seen a mining museum get turned into a Starbucks? And with these fence hoppers who knows what the Starbucks gets turned into, and is there a Mexican version of “Deadwood” heartthrob Timothy Olyphant? Because that actually sounds nice. I would split a steak and can of beans off the campfire with a Mexican Timothy Olyphant, set up a little cozy camp spot in the Badlands. I don’t agree with homosexuality, but c’mon.

You also have to realize Wall Drug is probably the best goddamn roadside store in our great nation. And you mean to tell me that soon, when I get my 5 cent coffee, someone from Cartel-ville Mexico is going to ring me up at the counter then kill me? I can’t and I won’t! If anyone is gonna murder me it’s gonna be me, because I drink in the Black Hills and drive home A LOT! Add a bunch of Ford Pintos and some of those weird car-trucks and that’s way too many obstacles for me to safely drunk-drive home.

Please! If you don’t believe me that they are coming for you, check my sources; Eric Trump’s Twitter page, any Meme from Libs of TikTok, and Ben Shapiro’s Onlyfans.

Harvard Study Concludes that 100% of Millennials Have Rotten.com-Related PTSD

Posted on by Ian Steffé

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Researchers at Harvard University determined that 100% of Millennials suffer from PTSD linked to exposure to the website rotten.com, confirmed sources who even winced upon hearing the name said out loud.

“I wish we had never done this,” confessed Dr. Tyler Brink, the leading researcher of the project. “We were trying to get to the bottom of why an entire generation of 75 million people are so bleak and joyless. Sure, you could point to anything, like the lack of economic prospects and affordable housing, college debt, social media, or the fact that as children they watched that scene from ‘The NeverEnding Story’ where the horse drowns in the swamp. But we found that as we kept going backwards to the first moment, rotten.com was the primary culprit. I don’t know why it never occurred to anyone because it’s so obvious.”

Millennials weren’t terribly shocked to learn about the discovery.

“Well, I guess that does make sense,” said 37-year-old Mark Gallagher, as he stared blankly at the floor. “Everyone brings up how they wish they could go back to the late ‘90s when there was a surplus and 9/11 hadn’t happened yet. But that was also around the time when my friends dared me to go on rotten.com. Pictures of Severed hands? Videos of people jumping off skyscrapers? Old man soup? I was 14 and I didn’t know any better. But now that we’re talking about it, I’m going to need to take a really, really long cry in the shower because I thought I blocked all that shit out.”

The developer of the now-defunct website, who goes under the pseudonym Soylent, was proud of the statistic.

“Oh my God, 100% trauma. That’s fucking great,” said the developer between bites of pig’s feet and hardboiled eggs. “Everyone was wastin’ their time bitching about Marilyn Manson hurting a generation. All I started with was a dream, some basic coding, and a couple of Dixie Cups of diarrhea. I could get into kids’ nightmares no problem. Shit like Pain Olympics, Lemon Party, and Blue Waffle? I walked so they could run, bro. And while I’d like to think I did it for freedom of speech, I’ve realized it was all because I hate every single one of you.”

As of press time, Harvard researchers were already onto their next study to determine why podcasts about murder are considered to be so relaxing.

Every Character From “Labyrinth” Ranked by Their Appearances in Our Bizarre, Confusing Sex Dreams

Posted on by Dan Rice

From early Greek mythology to the writing of Carl Jung, the Labyrinth has long been used as a metaphor for the human subconscious. Every night when we go to sleep we navigate the endless maze of our own minds, its twisting and intersecting corridors lurking with all manner of minotaurs, representing our greatest fears and most shameful desires. Since the 1986 film “Labyrinth” has been a favorite of ours since childhood it makes sense that its characters frequently populate our dreamscape. What does not make sense is how often these dreams become sexual and highly specific.

We have presented the puzzle of our recurring and horrifying “Labyrinth” sex dreams to psychoanalysts, psychics, and sleep experts, and they have all given us our money back. We may never get to the bottom of this bizarre and alienating sexual predilection, but we can at least quantify it. Here’s every character from the film “Labyrinth” ranked by their cameos in our most intimate dreams.

24. Toby

Any dream with a baby in it is an anxiety dream.

23. Sarah

Look, we all had a crush on her during childhood, but the fact is Jennifer Connelly was 15 when this movie was made. If she is in our dreams, our deep-seated shame prevents us from remembering in the morning, and that’s saying something because as you’ll soon see, we remember a lot!

22. The Robot

He may look like a mechanical monster but he’s actually a really sweet guy once you get to know him. Biblically. In your sleep, on those nights when you decide to ignore your doctor’s warning about drinking on your meds.

21. Sarah’s Parental Guardians

Is it just us or do they give off a swinger vibe? The stepmom basically tells Sarah she wouldn’t have to babysit so much if she would go out and get laid instead. We’ve never seen a stepmom like that in a Disney movie before, but we’ve surely seen them in a lot of internet videos.

20. The Cleaners

It’s the same as it is in the movie except the big drilbit thingy has a dildo on it. Not our most imaginative Labyrinth-themed recurring sex dream but unnerving nonetheless.

19. The Wise Man

Oh, we can hear your judgments already just typing this. “The old wise muppet from Labyrinth? You guys dream about fucking that guy?!” Well, for your information, no, we don’t! We have sex with the bird who lives in his hat while the old man sleeps.

18. Goblins

Not only do they haunt my most erotic dreams, but in real life I can no longer finish without imagining a closet full of goblins eagerly waiting for me to cum so that they can enter our world.

17. Worm

In the film, we see Worm comically and inadvertently trigger Sarah’s long adventure by advising her not to take the shortest route to the castle. Worm has led me down some pretty strange corridors too, namely the dark and twisted labyrinth of my psycho-sexual desires. “Don’t go that way! You’ll never get spanked by your third-grade math teacher if you go that way!”

16. Snappers

You know the Snappers, those little bitey creatures the guards torturing Ludo keep on the ends of sticks? Well, on nights when we chase our melatonin down with a little too much wine, they do more than bite.

15. The Four Guards

These are the guys who hit Sarah with the classic “One of us always lies and one of us always tells the truth” problem. You only get to ask one question, and for some reason whenever we encounter them in dreamland our question is always “Are we gonna get freaky or not?” Even by 5-way with muppet standards, it gets WILD.

14. The Door Knockers

We know what you’re thinking, they’re just door knockers. Sure, they can talk, but they’re door knockers. How the hell can someone have sex with a doorknocker? Hell, when we encounter them in our dreams, that’s the first thing we ask ourselves—”A talking door knocker? How the hell do I have sex with that?” Then we remember that in a world built on Jim Henson’s imagination, anything is possible. By the time we realize it’s a dream and wake up we’ve had them both every which way.

13. The Bog of Eternal Stench

The implications are as obvious as they are disgusting.

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Juggalo Mom Lifts Car to Rescue Trapped Bottle of Faygo

Posted on by Mike Maher

TOLEDO, Ohio – Local Juggalette and proud mother of three dope-ass jugga-babies Candice “Candya$$” Armbruster single-handedly lifted her ‘89 Geo Metro off the ground to save her trapped bottle of Faygo, sources close to the face-painted hero confirmed.

“Any Juggalette momma would’ve done the same thing if she was in my JNCOs,” Armbruster said solemnly. “I was having a vape break in the parking lot when one of my shitass kids started screaming. I look over and see my three-liter bottle of Faygo Moon Mist Blue somehow got pinned under my Geo! The cries of carbonation still haunt me to this day. Maybe it was maternal instinct, or that hit of crystal I did in the bathroom, but I lifted that hunk of shit with one hand and snagged my sweet, sweet Faygo with the other. ‘Cuz that’s how you get down with the clown until you’re dead in the ground!”

Middle stepson Travis “Shitnutz” Plumlee was impressed but critical of his stepmother’s herculean feat.

“I was shocked, because I’ve never seen Candice lift a damn finger at home,” Plumlee said while tattooing Hatchet Man on his own thigh. “I’m the one changing the baby’s diapers once a week. And when the electricity gets shut off, it’s me running up that pole to turn it back on. I gotta hand it to her though. Most stepmommas would have pussied out under the pressure. But Candice lifted up that hoopty faster than her top at an ICP concert. She definitely gets a whoop-whoop for that.”

Dr. Nicholson Tubbs, a neuroscientist with Johns Hopkins University, explained Armbruster’s superhero strength isn’t just the stuff of Marvel lore.

“Ms. Armbruster experienced a phenomenon known as ‘hysterical strength,’ which, in Juggalo terms, is like doing 300 whip-its of pure adrenaline in one huff, resulting in a brief burst of She-Hulkian power,” Tubbs said. “Apparently she blew out her anus deadlifting the vehicle, but that is standard issue for most Juggalos due to their diet of candy and soda. I’m sure she’ll be backyard wrestling again in no time.”

At press time, Armbruster was celebrating her incredible rescue by writing an erotic Juggalo-themed novella about the incident to sell on Amazon.

Photo by Laurie Bolewitz.