Struggling Punk Dad Forced To Boil, Eat Pasta Necklace Son Made For Father’s Day

Posted on by Evan Vest

TACOMA, Wash. — Local cash-strapped punk father Eric Mallory was left with no other choice but to boil and eat the multicolored pasta necklace his son had made him at school for Father’s Day, confirmed sources.

“Fuck, dude. He knows I can’t resist the delicious taste of wearable tri-color rotini,” Mallory expressed as he cut the cotton string holding the necklace together and let the pasta slide off into the boiling pot of water. “I was like seriously hoping it wouldn’t come down to this considering I’ve already been bumming string cheese off the little fucker and eating the crusts off his peanut butter sandwiches, but shit’s been really tight lately since I’ve gotten that DUI on a bike, and my fridge has jack fuck in it right now. I’m just really glad it’s mom’s weekend to have him, I really couldn’t stand for him to see me like this.”

The father’s son, Mica Mallory, revealed that the gift might’ve been intended to eat the whole time.

“I kinda figured he would eat it. That’s why I also gifted him a jar of Ragu,” expressed the 10-year-old, while playing with some empty cardboard boxes at his mom’s boyfriend’s house downtown. “Dad’s house is really fun, but he never has a lot of food. He did have a whole box of Capri-Suns one time and we spent the day drinking them and jumping on random stuff. But yeah, I now understand why he’s always encouraging me to make food art at school.”

Local teachers were all too aware of this phenomenon.

“Financially inept fathers do this kid of thing all the time,” said Ms. Evanston. “First it starts with low-level incidents like eating the pasta necklace their kid made them. Next they’re stealing half their child’s trick-or-treat stash in the middle of the night when they’re asleep. Once they start coming into school lunch hours and asking random children if ‘they’re going to eat that’ before taking a handful of their French fries, that’s when it’s time to call child protective services.”

At press time, Mallory asked his son if his school planned on teaching him how to make any art with fully baked lasagna any time soon.

If I’m Such a Bad Dad, Why Can My 5-Year-Old Explain the Difference Between a Parlay and a Straight Bet?

Posted on by Doug Kolic

It’s easy for society to blame parents for all the problems today’s youth are experiencing. It’s even easier for society to point their fingers at me specifically and say I’m unfit, just because my kids, wherever they are, have been labeled as “out-of-control monsters” by every school that’s expelled them. But if I was such a bad father, how the heck does my five-year-old know the most complicated ins and outs of sports betting when most of his classmates can’t even read?

When I spend my precious two hours per week that I’m allowed to with my youngest, Bran… Bry… let’s call him Braydon, I try to teach him things that he will actually find useful later in life. That’s why when I take him to the racetrack, I make sure we go to one that also has on-site sports betting. That way, he can not only learn the difference between parlays and straight bets, but he can be even more well-rounded by understanding what I mean when I tell him that we’re going to wager his next installment of child support on a boxed trifecta because daddy’s got a good feeling about the way those three fillies are prancing to the starting gate.

And that’s the thing with kids — they catch on so fast. One minute, they can barely tie their own shoes or grasp that they shouldn’t rat out their dad for being taken to another cockfight, and the next, they’re picking up on your subtle cue to fake a medical emergency at the blackjack table, just long enough for me to sneak a quick peek at what the dealer’s holding.

Not all kids are the same. From what I’ve been able to gather from being a dad for the past 10 years, is that they almost all seem to have their own personalities and stuff. Some parents like to clamp down on these types of kids, foolishly giving them boundaries that stifle their growing brains, instead of giving them important character-building experiences like standing lookout while dear old dad removes the neighbor’s catalytic converter from their new SUV or how to help organize his gun drawers.

If you wanna focus on filling your kid’s head with a bunch of book learning, that’s your business. Me? I prefer giving them real-life experiences that will shape them into well-rounded adults ready to leave town at a moment’s notice once the bookie’s enforcers come knocking.

Greg Ginn Treats New Black Flag Members to Pizza Party at Chuck E. Cheese

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

AUSTIN, Texas — Guitarist Greg Ginn of Black Flag recently treated the rest of the band to a pizza party at Chuck E. Cheese after a successful rehearsal where he introduced the new members to much of the band’s catalog, according to sources who thought they were his kids.

“Those little angels finished their homework by learning the entire Black Flag catalog,” said Ginn while wistfully looking at a picture of them all together. “They also swept the rehearsal space, took out the garbage, and wore their seat belts on the way over. So I rewarded them for their good behavior and took them to Chuck E. Cheese. They worked real hard and learned everything from the simple chords of ‘Nervous Breakdown’ to the simple chords of ‘Annihilate This Week.’ The band was so tuckered out from playing games and eating pizza that they slept the whole way home.”

Black Flag bassist David Rodriguez recalled one peculiar event.

“Free pizza is always good,” reported Rodriguez while trying not to look at a creepy “My War” poster. “But there was this weird thing where Uncle Greg — he makes us call him that — collected all of our prize tickets as we played skee-ball, the basketball game, and so on. He said the tickets belonged to the band, and the rest of us only got a few tickets each. Uncle Greg walked out of there with an awesome Ninja Turtles air hockey table, while we were stuck with plastic army men and rubber cockroaches. Lame.”

Former Black Flag vocalist Henry Rollins says Ginn has changed his tune over the years.

“First of all, that’s total bullshit,” screamed Rollins as he headbutted a cinder block. “We always wanted to eat at Chuck E. Cheese but Greg never let us. He said it wouldn’t be good for our image if fans saw us eating pizza and having a good time. Life on the road was so hard, especially back then, and all we wanted was to take a load off and enjoy a few games while enjoying pepperoni pizza. Is that so much to ask? I’m still really pissed about it. Part of me thinks that if Greg would have just let us blow off some steam once in a while I wouldn’t have ended up as angry as I am.”

At press time, Ginn was seen sitting the rest of Black Flag down to discuss their recent report cards from school.

Six Songs We Listened To This Week While Taking Breaks From Sobbing To Sly and The Family Stone and the Beach Boys

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

It’s been another week filled with the simultaneous loss of musical legends and our collective faith in humanity. They say music heals all, but lately we’ve just been using it to fill the silent voids within our workdays. Despite the dwindling medicinal properties of the medium, we all could use multiple distractions, so here’s six songs we kind of listened to this week while mostly just zoning out.

Turnstile ‘Sunshower’

In case you missed it while silently mouthing ‘what the fuck?’ at every single news headline you’ve read, Turnstile’s long awaited third album ‘Never Enough’ came out last week and it shreds. Or. It bops? Or. It’s kinda dreamy but in a heavy way? Who actually knows what the hell this band is doing anymore? All we really know is that it’s a pretty triumphant return for a band that’s barely been able to leave the minds of everyone that played ‘Glow On’ ad infinitum since it was released.

Frankie Cosmos ‘Pressed Flower’

In case your quietest friend hasn’t already whispered to you about it, lo-fi indie punk heroes Frankie Cosmos are set to release their album, ‘Different Talking’ in just two weeks. So far, the lead singles ‘Vanity’ and ‘Bitch Heart’ have shown that head songwriter Greta Kline is seemingly incapable of writing a bad hook filled with almost creepy levels of relatable lyricism. Their latest, ‘Pressed Flower’ is no exception, with couplets that hit so close to the bone you’ll probably want to submit a data deletion request to the band.

Ganser ‘Black Sand’

Chicago art-punk trio Ganser announced their new album ‘Animal Hospital’ produced by the Liars frontman Angus Andrew – which should be kind of obvious given the precarious sounding lead single ‘Black Sand’ – their first new music since 2022’s EP ‘Nothing You Do Matters.’ ‘Black Sands’ driving backbeat fights for control over a swirling fog of guitars and distorted vocals, causing a scene not witnessed since your friend went to their employer’s open bar work party.

Moving Mountains ‘Ghosts’

Recently your therapist texted you out of the blue to see if you needed to make an appointment. This might be because of the state of the world right now, but we think it’s probably more related to the fact that Moving Mountains released their first new song in over a decade. ‘Ghosts’ is the first single from the post-hardcore outfit’s first album in 12 years, ‘Pruning Of The Lower Limbs’ …yikes. We got about ten seconds into the track before immediately checking how many mental health days we have left this year, so good luck.

Jer ‘The Way You Tune It Out’

Skatune Network founder Jeremy Hunter, or JER, will be releasing their second album ‘Death of the Heart’ in August. Some would say that it’s bad form to release a ska-punk album as the summer season is dwindling, but thanks to global warming, many of us will still be skanking well into November. The lead single ‘The Way You Tune It Out’ is a masterclass in screaming a comprehensive list of every modern political, economical and environmental horror while also making everyone listening want to dance until their knee makes that weird noise again.

Berwanger ‘Exorcism Rock’

Recently our Editor-in-Chief called everyone into his office and asked if we had heard criminally underappreciated 2016 album ‘Exorcism Rock’ by Berwanger – the solo project of former The Anniversary frontman Josh Berwanger. Those who said no were immediately sent to a lecture hall in an undisclosed location of the building where we assume they have been listening to the album repeatedly for the past 72 hours with no end in sight. Those of us who lied have also been listening to the album on loop, initially out of fear, but now out of love. We’d call it Stockholm Syndrome, but it’s just undeniably catchy shit.

Still looking for that sweet, sweet, escapism? Don’t worry. We have a whole playlist with these songs plus everything we’ve listened to for this entire year. Every week we’ll add more songs until it becomes a hideous reflection of a person we no longer recognize. You can check it out below:

Trump Begins Parade With 21-Gun Salute Into Crowd of Protestors

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — President Trump kicked off his birthday parade today with a 21-gun salute fired into a crowd of ‘No Kings’ protestors, sources confirmed.

“The military threw me the most beautiful birthday parade today, and although I’m another year older I’m still very young in my brain. The doctors say I have one of the youngest brains they have ever studied. Can you believe that? They want to keep my brain after I die, they want to put it in a museum and have my brain teach kids about business. But sadly some nasty Antifa thugs tried to ruin our good time today, and that 21-gun salute taught them a lesson, didn’t it folks?” said Trump. “I warned them not to protest, but maybe they should have listened instead of trying to ruin the greatest parade in the history of our country, which by the way had more casualties than the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade ever had! You know Garfield called me and asked if he could ditch those losers and float at my parade next year, I said Garfield you do that and we can take care of your Odie problem for you.”

Fox News host Jesse Watters was quick to praise the display of military power.

“Wow, what an incredible parade—the patriotism, the display of military might, the mass shooting of protestors—it’s days like these that really make you proud to be an American. Thank you, President Trump,” said Watters, wiping a tear from his eye. “Even libs suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome have to admit that watching twenty-one Americans step up and volunteer to be ritually sacrificed for the glory of our Dear Leader was inspiring. No other President in our history would be able to inspire that kind of devotion, and I think today was truly the day that we saw our new King crowned.”

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer was quick to chastise the execution of peaceful protestors in the most tepid terms possible.

“Under normal circumstances the Democratic Party fully supports law enforcement’s right to brutally quell protests, but the use of a respected military tradition to do so is highly irregular and completely inappropriate,” said Chuck Schumer, whipping out ‘the good stationary’. “Well rest assured, we’ve got skywriters on standby near Mar-a-Lago, and emergency pizzas are on their way to the White House right now, but get this—there’s gonna be a bullseye with an ‘X’ through it drawn in pepperoni. And if this happens two or three more times, we’ll be forced to deploy Lin Manuel Miranda, so consider yourself warned.”

At press time, Elon Musk’s counter-parade also turned into a mass-casualty event after every vehicle in the Cyber Truck procession exploded.

MAGA Patriot Accidentally Recreates Pride Flag After Adding a Few Too Many “Thin Line” Colors to Stars and Stripes

Posted on by Matthew Quinn Martin

YAPHANK, N.Y. — Local Donald Trump supporter Andy Damiano made something of a stir on his block after erecting a modified version of Old Glory in front of his house that many believe bears a striking resemblance to the Pride Flag, sources report.

“It’s really about bringing us all together as Americans,” said Damiano when questioned about the motive behind his display. “And I think it’s working. There were a bunch of libtards in Subarus with Harris/Walz bumper stickers still on them, honking and waving and yelling ‘Woo-Hoo!’ at me yesterday. And even the feminazi next door—you know the type, with one of those ‘In This House’ lawn signs—came over to tell me how much she approved. Then she asked me if I did it for pride. You’re Goddamn right I did it for pride! I’m proud of all the brave men and ladies that keep America great. Maybe I misjudged her.”

Damiano’s childhood friend and poker buddy Zach Dubé finds the entire thing perplexing and a little embarrassing.

“I’m partially to blame here,” commented Dubé. “I mean, he used to have one of those standard issue ones with the thin blue line on it, and I pointed out that us garbage collectors are three times as likely to get killed on the job as cops, but nobody’s thanking us for our service or offering us qualified immunity. We should get a stripe! Andy didn’t believe me about that at first, but he checked it with Grok, and things just kind of snowballed from there. Brown for us, pink for the nurses, yellow for ‘asset protection,’ and on and on until he just ran out of bars. He did leave one white one, though, for ICE. I don’t have it in me to tell him what he accidentally recreated. He worked so hard on that flag. It’d break his heart.”

LGBTQIA+ community alliance leader Terry Parsons-Dobroshtan took note of Damiano’s inadvertent allyship.

“Obviously, this guy is confused and kind of a dumbass,” responded Parsons-Dobroshtan. “But it ultimately becomes sort of a ‘stopped clock right twice a day’ thing. I mean if some queer kid walking down the street spots what looks like another Pride Flag variation flying right above one that says ‘Don’t Tread On Me,’ and gets the sense that here is a person willing to stand up for the at-risk and marginalized, it’s hard to argue with the result. Of course. I wouldn’t want said kid to strike up a conversation and have the illusion ruined, but nine times out of ten these MAGA guys have court orders preventing them from coming within fifty feet of a minor anyway.”

As of press time, Damiano is said to be considering adding more colored stripes to the flag’s left edge in a triangle pattern to better reflect the Holy Trinity and America’s heritage as a Christian nation.

True Life: I’m Still Chasing the High of Shopping at Urban Outfitters in 2009 While Empire of the Sun Blasts in the Background

Posted on by Jordan Liffengren

2009 was a simpler time. Obama was in office, James Cameron had unleashed ‘Avatar’ on our feeble minds, and K-Stew and R-Patz were an item. It really was a “Party in the U.S.A.” back then, and nothing quite exemplified it like shopping at Urban Outfitters while Empire of the Sun blasted in the background.

I truly felt alive wandering around that store. The questionable tribal print t-shirts, unlimited Himalayan salt lamps, and overpriced American Apparel hoodies were like a river we had no idea would one day stop flowing. I’ve been searching for that same feeling for years. I haven’t had any real success yet, but here are some attempts I’ve made at re-capturing the magic:

1. Hit up Mike from college and ask if he wants to go to the mall on Wednesday even though he has kids and a full-time job. He kindly declines. Instead, I go to the mall on my own, wonder where all the stores are, and commit some light shoplifting at Bath and Body Works.

2. Blast Arcade Fire and stare out the window like I’m in a music video. Get pulled over for driving too slow on the freeway while screaming the lyrics to “Wake Up.”

3. Get sidebangs right before my brother’s wedding. My hair is not very long, so micro bangs will do. Pose for all pictures with my feet turned inward and text lyrics to myself the whole time for posting later on Tumblr.

4. Get stoned in a Rite Aid parking lot and eat Burger King at 1 am. Drive around my neighborhood listening to old episodes of Loveline with Dr. Drew while realizing I may have been the problem in most, if not all, of my relationships.

5. Mix a bunch of liqueurs, Kool-Aid Aid and whatever alcohol my parents have at their house in the biggest bowl I can find. Bring it over to my buddy Mike’s house. He’s not there, so I set up a chair on his front lawn and drink the jungle juice out of a ladle. I’m between jobs, so I have the time to learn how to play Owl City’s “Fireflies” on the ukulele and post it on Facebook.

6. Watch the special features on ‘The Hangover’ DVD. Quote it word for word to my parents. Take Molly at home by myself while listening to MGMT’s Oracular Spectacular. My dog looks at me like I’m ruining his life.

7. Fill an empty water bottle with Vodka and bring it with me to minigolf. Call Mike and ask him if he wants to come through. He tells me he’s not that guy anymore and that I need to get my shit together. Classic Mike.

8. Take a photo of myself holding a sign for Mike that says “S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)” and post it on Instagram with a Valencia filter. Tag Mike and all of his coworkers and exes. He’ll have to respond to me now.

Limp Bizkit Fan Figures Out Exact Day in 1998 That Fred Durst Was Singing About in “Break Stuff”

Posted on by Zack Zagranis

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Limp Bizkit superfan Dylan “Chuds” McKenzie pinpointed the exact day Fred Durst is referring to in the band’s hit single “Break Stuff,” something previously thought impossible by his fellow nu metal fans.

“I was going over the lyrics and it hit me: what if Fred not wanting to wake up, the ‘he-said, she-said bullshit,’ and the threat of bodily harm with a chainsaw were all connected? From there, I just had to hack into the IRS database and pore through all of Limp Bizkit’s tax write-offs for a chainsaw,” explained McKenzie. “Once I found a November 20th, 1998 Home Depot receipt for a $500 Husqvarna 365, all the other pieces fell into place. On that day, Fred Durst slept through his alarm and missed a call-in radio interview. The two morning show hosts—a man and a woman—started talking shit about him so Durst threatened to put a hit on them before going out and buying a chainsaw so he could do the job himself. It was only after Limp Bizkit’s lawyers explained to Fred how much a murder conviction would hurt the band’s record sales that Durst calmed down and wrote ‘Break Stuff’ instead.”

McKenzie’s boyfriend Adam Dreyfuss says he has been obsessing over this mystery since before the two met in a Limp Bizkit Facebook group five years ago.

“Look, I love the Bizkit, but Dylan takes it to an unhealthy level,” admitted Dreyfuss. “We were only dating for a week when he told me his life’s passion was figuring out when the events of ‘Break Stuff’ occurred. Talk about a red flag. Had I known how many nights I’d be eating dinner by myself and going to bed alone while he hid in the basement trying to solve his ‘mystery’ I never would have gone out with him in the first place.”

Limp Bizkit singer Fred Durst acknowledged McKenzie’s hard work as the fan became something of a hero in the nu metal community.

“These fans, man, it blows me away how far they’ll go to figure our shit out,” said Durst. “This Dylan guy absolutely nailed the inspiration for ‘Break Stuff’—I mean, he was 100% spot on. Some other fan just discovered that ‘Faith’ off our first record was originally done by the dude from Wham! I’ve been singing that song for almost 30 years, and I had no idea. Talk about a mind blower!”

At press time, McKenzie planned to solve the mystery of the meaning behind “Nookie.”

Crust Punk “Hot Ones” Knockoff Has Guests Huff Increasingly Hazardous Solvents

Posted on by Tim Graham

PITTSBURGH — A punk-themed YouTube show called “Huff Ones” where guests inhale volatile substances is gaining popularity despite warnings from health officials, according to sources.

“I saw how popular ‘Hot Ones’ got, and I figured, shit, I could do that,” said Will “Boner” Bonelli while filling a paper bag with air freshener. “I happened to come up with an angle that appealed to the demographic I wanted to reach. The format is simple: I bring on someone from a band or the local scene and interview them while they huff harder and harder shit. We start with rubber cement and work our way up through whippits, duster, starting fluid, gasoline, et cetera. Very few of my guests get all the way to xenon.”

Glenn Hemphill, singer for local punk band Greasy Thief, appeared on one of the most popular episodes of the show.

“I have very little memory of even being on the show,” said Hemphill while reviewing video of his appearance. “You can see my eyes glaze over right after I take a lungful of Carbona. Then Boner asks me about our newest record and I fall out of my chair. When I get up, I do a hit of butane and that seems to right the ship enough that I’m able to carry on with the interview. Overall, I’d say it was a positive experience—we got at least a dozen more followers on Bandcamp. I did have a hard time explaining why my beard was covered in silver spray paint to my boss the next day, though.”

Other shows have tried to capitalize on the success of “Hot Ones,” according to longtime TV producer Hank Spector.

“Any time we see a cultural phenomenon like that, there will always be a bunch of copycats trying to ride on its coattails,” explained Spector. “For instance, there’s an upcoming program for Peacock where celebrity guests answer questions while different types of insects sting and bite them. Then there’s the ill-advised ‘Shot Ones,’ which involves guests being shot with progressively more dangerous projectiles. It starts with a BB gun and eventually escalates to rubber bullets. It’s a really sadistic concept—I wish I’d come up with it!”

At press time, production of “Huff Ones” had been shut down after a guest absent-mindedly lit a cigarette on the fume-filled set.

Recession Avoided? Everyone in This Bar Is Paying Extra To Bury My Song Choices on Touchtunes

Posted on by Ben Friedman

There’s a lot of anxiety over the economy these past few months. It feels like this country is just one tariff away from sending the job market into the shitter indefinitely. It sure has been keeping me up at night, knowing I might wake up in the morning to find myself unemployed and unable to afford food. Tonight I figured I’d take the edge off at the bar with the little disposable money I had, drop a $20 into the Touchtunes, and forget my worries.

Well, I’ve been here for two hours and I’ve discovered some good news and some bad news. Good news is, it looks like the recession fears were grossly exaggerated. The bad news is I only discovered that because multiple assholes in this bar are outspending me to bury my song choices and play theirs next.

And here I thought this country was in a financial death spiral! Apparently nobody here is aware we’re on the cusp of a financial crisis the way they’re shelling out an extra dollar or two just to push all my shit to the bottom. I can’t wait to see the next job report from the government, because I better see that the workforce created 90 million new jobs the way people are throwing $2 around. Either that or there are a lot of silver spoon posers in this dive. Both are plausible!

Here’s a fun fact: Did you know that even if you pay extra to play your song next, somebody can come along and just skip you anyway? I plunked down an extra $20, and I haven’t heard a single song I’ve chosen for two hours now. Every time I’m next, here come ten more songs that aren’t by Turnstile like I fucking wanted. Where can I get my hands on the kind of capital that allows me to spit in the face of inflation and cut in line?

I don’t want to hear one person in this bar complain about the cost of living or that they need three roommates in a studio apartment just to afford a roof over their head, because one of them has the privilege of paying an extra to unironically play Creed’s “Human Clay” in its entirety.

I swear I will drain my bank account just to hear something, anything that I choose. I just have to remind myself it’ll be worth it if it boosts the economy.