We Interviewed the Wrong Gallagher Brothers and Now We’re up to Our Necks in Watermelon Guts and Right Wing Horseshit

Posted on by Dan Rice

I don’t know how our booking agent has managed to stay on this far but god dammit if this isn’t the absolute last fucking straw.

We were poised to interview Liam and Noel Gallagher about how their well documented contentious relationship helped shape their music. Sound like a hugely exhausting bummer? That’s exactly what we thought! So imagine our surprise when we walked into the hotel room to somehow find ourselves in an even WORSE situation.

Here is our exclusive and extremely sticky interview with two Gallagher brothers somehow even more toxic than the founders of Oasis.

The Hard Times: Hello? Hope it’s okay we came in, this is the time we were given and the door was open.

The suite seemed empty, save for a large watermelon on the coffee table. We were about to leave when suddenly an insane man with a mallet leapt from the bathroom.

Gallagher: Welcome to the splash zone, sonie boy!

This aging beret and suspenders clad mad man suddenly pounced toward the watermelon with the grace of a gazelle and smashed it to bits, covering us in watermelon guts as our booker’s mistake became clear to us.

Oh Jesus, you’re THAT Gallagher?!

Galagher: Call me Leo! Unless you voted for ole Sleepy Joe Biden, then don’t call me at all! Haha, I got a million of em! 

Somehow the watermelon had already been replaced with a fresh one, which Gallagher immediately smashed in celebration of his awesome Biden joke.

Okay hang on, we booked an interview with the Gallagher brothers. So you had to have known we didn’t mean you. 

Gallagher 2: Did somebody say brother?! 

A second, nearly identical mallet wielding psycho emerged from the bathroom, leapt toward the coffee table where the melon had again been replaced somehow, and smashed it all over us.

Ah fuck, I forgot, there’s two of you. 

Gallagher 2: Darn tootin bucko! Hello Leo!

Gallagher: Hello Ron! Say, you owe me a bunch of money! 

Gallagher 2: Like funny I do! 

The two men then began sort of duel watermelon smashing at each other, each melon inexplicably being replaced as soon as the last one was smashed by some unseen hand.

Okay, well, I’m gonna go shower. 

Gallagher: He just a minute buster brown, you were supposed to interview us about our rivalry! 

Gallagher 2: I bet the lesbians got to him! They’re always trying to silence us! 

What?! Hey man, that’s not cool. 

Gallagher: Maybe he’s under secret house arrest, like Hillary Clinton! 

Gallagher 2: You just wait until Trump gives JFK Jr. the okay to come out of hiding and take the country back buddy! He’s gonna shut your whole left-wing jew run media down once and for all! 

Cool, now I need two showers! 

Gallagher: Oh, we’ll give you a shower all right! 

Gallagher 2: A Mallet shower! Let’s get him Leo! 

Spry as they were, outrunning two elderly men lugging giant mallets around was pretty easy. If that had been the real Gallagher brothers, and they were still doing hard drugs, I might be dead now!

Cat Rescues Scared Cop Stuck Hiding On Tall Tree Branch

Posted on by Chris Bowen

CHICAGO – A local cat known as Pudding saved an officer of the Chicago Police Department that ran up a very tall tree and got stuck after being spooked by a scary bug that caught him off guard, multiple sources report.

“Well, normally my Pudding just likes to chase birds and bring home dead mice as little presents,” said Pudding’s owner Norman Rogers. “He must have felt pretty sorry for that cop. We all heard the officer up and the tree crying and tried to guide him down because it was getting pretty annoying. One of the neighborhood kids offered to try to hit the cop with a football and knock him loose, but Pudding did most of the hard work herself. I was happy she helped someone, but I had to remind my cat that cops are not our friends, and it’s best to just leave them alone if you see them in the wild.”

Officer Adam Pierce gave his perspective of how the events unfolded.

“I had been out on patrol and I went to reach for my baton to brain some punk skateboarder when I noticed a millipede crawling on my belt,” Officer Pierce said defensively. “At first I planned on shooting it, but then it started crawling on my hand and it felt so gross. I got a tad bit spooked and decided to take the high ground. The really high ground. I must have been up 20 to 30 feet. God it was terrifying. But…errr uhhh I couldn’t find a good way down and that’s where Pudding came in. He’s a hero for sure, and I tried to make him an honorary deputy, but he just buried the badge I gave him like it was a turd.”

Community Activist, and staunch supporter of defunding the police department, Alicia Alvarez believes this is another example that shows police are ineffective.

“This doesn’t surprise me one bit. Historically speaking, anyone that seeks power through joining the police is a giant fucking dork,” Alvarez enthusiastically stated. “There was a cop that recently pissed himself because a bat flew over his head while he was harassing people at an encampment under a bridge. And another was frightened by a cockroach to the point where his teeth chattered cartoonishly and he jumped in his partner’s arms.”

At press time, several sources reported officer Pierce refused to jump in and save a helpless child from drowning in a pool because he had just eaten a big Carl’s JR lunch less than 30 minutes before.

Heartwarming: This Single Dad Attends All the Shows His Daughter’s Friends Play

Posted on by Julia Rodriguez

It’s no secret that good dads are hard to find, especially when it comes to raising a daughter. Any dad who fosters individuality and confidence in a young woman deserves a moment in the spotlight, but Bill Wilson has taken that spirit to the next level and applied it to ALL attractive women his daughter’s age.

After a messy divorce,  Wilson, or as he likes to be called, “Slick Willy” was struggling to connect with his daughter Sabrina. When she started playing bass in a feminist punk band, he started coming to the shows to support her interests. Unfortunately, his attempts didn’t succeed. Sabrina eventually called him a “sad, creepy loser” and moved out of state. But that didn’t stop him from going to the shows.

Apparently, Slick Willy had grown “fond” of the way “those young ladies jam up there.”

“I didn’t know there were so many young and talented girls in the area that could play music,” Bill said. “Back when I was going to house shows, the only girls who’d show up were guys’ sisters dropping them off. But now…” Mr. Wilson trailed off as he eyed Fuddy Duddy, one of his daughter’s friends’ band, setting up the stage.

Doesn’t it just warm your heart to hear his story? We decided to ask some of the younger folks what their thoughts were about his presence:

“I dunno…” murmured Alexandra, 19, as she stacked an amp. “At first I was like ‘eh,’ but then he started buying drinks for us so I guess we can tolerate him for now.”

“I think he’s great!” exclaimed Jeffrey Torrents, 24. “He’s so open-minded, and he’s got great taste in-” Mr. Torrents stopped abruptly. “Drinks! Great taste in drinks. Anyways, I want to be just like him when I’m his age!”

Mr. Wilson said he knows “the sorts of hijinx kids get up to,” so he’s making plans to make the scene a bit safer. He monitors how much the women are drinking very closely, and always offers them a ride home when he feels they’ve had too much. He even moved into a 2 bedroom apartment so that he can offer a guest room to any “poor little thing” who might need it for a night!

Lizzo Criticized Over New Split 7” With Spazz

Posted on by Contributor

LOS ANGELES — Lizzo is facing backlash across social media after announcing she would be releasing a limited-edition split 7″ with powerviolence pioneers, and kung fu enthusiasts, Spazz.

“Lizzo needs to do better. She can’t be collaborating with bands that broke up nearly 22 years ago and expect us to just be ok with it. We aren’t asking for Lizzo to be canceled, but we are asking her to work with someone we’ve actually heard of,” said Twitter user EyesLikeAshley. “I know this might sound selfish but I want more from her. The Lizzo side of the split 7″ has just one new song, while the Spazz side seems to have 12 songs, all of which are about wrestling or some guy named Katon W. De Pena. I know Lizzo is always looking to try something new, but I would be a lot happier with a collab with someone like Action Bronson or something.”

Fans of Spazz were equally confused and disappointed.

“I thought maybe Spazz was reuniting but it turns out their contribution to the 7″ are a few unreleased live songs and a Monster X cover, which is cool and all, but if the only new song on this release is from Lizzo then I don’t really care,” said self-proclaimed powerviolence connoisseur James Tadley. “The whole release is kind of confusing. The Spazz side of the split is a crappy live photo of the band that looks like it was ruined by a Xerox machine, while the art for the Lizzo side looks like something that should be on a billboard.”

The split will be produced by Slap-a-Ham Records and is the label’s first release in nearly 20 years.

“We have been big fans of Lizzo for a while. She doesn’t really give a fuck and that’s perfect for Slap-a-Ham,” said label founder Chris Dodge. “We actually partnered with Lizzo’s label to make this happen. The first batch will be limited to 100 on clear vinyl and will only be available through mailorder, while the second batch will be through Atlantic Records and they are expecting to produce at least 400,000 copies and will be completely scrapping the Spazz side of the record and replacing it with a remix of the Lizzo song.”

At press time, Doja Cat announced she will be entering the studio for a collaboration with Man is the Bastard.

Trent Reznor’s Parents Still Hoping This Whole Goth Thing Just a Phase

Posted on by Ted Pillow

MERCER, Pa. — Nancy Lou and Michael Reznor remain optimistic that their son Trent’s strange clothing, dour attitude, and obsession with the macabre is nothing more than an adolescent phase, confirmed sources embedded with the family during a weekend visit.

“I just know Trenty will wake up one day soon and turn that little frown upside down,” explained the musician’s mother as she pulled a sheet of freshly baked cookies out of the oven. “He turned 57 this year, and if you ask me, that means it’s finally time for him to stop listening to that devil worship music and going up to the attic to feed spiders and read books about Draculas. He’s a good kid, you know. Smart as a whip and a real whizz with computers. We keep telling him it’s not too late to stop goofing around and go to dental school like his cousin Brent did.”

Despite his parents’ cheery confidence, Trent Reznor maintains that his AARP membership likely rules out the possibility that he’s still in the midst of a passing phase.

“You’d think it would be enough for my parents that I’ve sold millions and millions of records and won multiple Grammys and Oscars,” Reznor complained as he lit a candlestick in preparation for a nighttime stroll through the desolate countryside of suburban Pennsylvania. “But no, they still treat me like I’m a freaking teenager. I tried explaining to them that my music isn’t even goth, it’s industrial. But then my dad was like, ‘If your music is industrial and you wear construction boots, how come you can’t even properly caulk your own bathtub?’ What a dick.”

As unlikely as it may seem, experts argue that it is quite possible that Reznor will one day decide to move on from this long-lasting developmental stage.

“After a 40-year career and tremendous success, it might come as a shock if Trent Reznor suddenly admitted his entire identity is just a phase and suddenly changed genres,” admitted music journalist Sarah Clarkson. “But, you never know. Just last week, Rammstein announced that they had grown out of the whole S&M and flamethrower thing and that their next album was going to be an upbeat album of party anthems inspired by 90s groups like S Club 7 and Vengaboys. Their moms must be thrilled.”

As of press time, Reznor was so upset with his parents that he threw a tantrum, locking himself in his old childhood bedroom and refusing to come out until they promised to take him for ice cream.

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Horrible, Toxic Personality Rebranded as “Character”

Posted on by Dan Rice

SHERIDAN, Wyo. — Local punk Collin Shepard, frontman of the band Kiss Daddy, talked openly about his toxic, problematic satirical stage character, who is also named Colin Shepard.

“Shepard is just about the worst guy you can possibly meet,” said Shepard of his corrosive alter-ego Shepard, who is based entirely on the frontman’s own self. “He’s a narcissist, an abuser and a master manipulator. And anyone who says that shit about me, Colin Shepard the real person, is a liar and a drug addict, everyone knows that. Some people, and by some I mean every person I’ve been in a relationship with or related to, have called me toxic, but they’re unwilling to see beyond the personality to appreciate my persona.”

The reveal that Collin Shepard, a man who is blacklisted from his own family functions and every Dave & Busters on the east coast, is in fact a heel character came as a shock to the many, many people affected by his antics over the years.

“When Colin strong-armed me out of sobriety, drained my bank account, and started an inappropriate text exchange with my underage cousin, I had no idea it was all the work of a master satirist!” said Shepard’s ex-girlfriend Sheila Gorrano. “In my defense we were together for five years so, you can see how I would buy into the character! It explains how Kaufmanesque he’s always been. I bet Andy Kaufman was a huge asshole and a chore to be around and sent everyone he came in contact with to therapy in real life too.”

Despite the shock and surprise upon hearing the news, some close to the performance artist shouldn’t have put it past him.

“Oh it’s performance art? Oh wow fuck me!” exclaimed former Kiss Daddy drummer Sean Hill, who three years ago lost his arm in a drunk driving incident involving Shepard. “See I thought when he spent that summer seeing how many girls he could give the clap to because he thought it was funny it was just, you know, that dude being a fucking scumbag, but okay I guess I’m just a dumb shit then huh?”

At press time, Shepherd was explaining to his pregnant girlfriend that he didn’t “lie” about getting a vasectomy four months ago, but that it was all a “genius” bit.

I Can Only Assume Everyone Expressing Anti-American Sentiments Online Hasn’t Seen Top Gun: Maverick Yet

Posted on by Dustin Newman

It seems everywhere I look online these days I see nothing but complaints about our great nation. Whenever I start scrolling on Twitter, TikTok, or basically any online forum, I’m swiftly reminded of whatever atrocity America has happened to commit recently. At one point in my life maybe I could empathize with that position and possibly even relate to those who are clearly in distress about this country’s actions. I say “maybe” because, honestly, I don’t even want to try and remember how I felt prior to May 27th, 2022, the day Top Gun: Maverick was released. That’s the day I chose both Ray-Bans and freedom and began to beam with pride once again for the red, white, and blue.

I’m trying to reconcile all the so-called facts being spouted about America’s deficiencies with what my gut says Capt. Pete Mitchell would tell me. And my gut tells me he’d say, “You can be my wingman anytime, now hop on the back of my motorcycle.” My gut also says he’d probably say “No shirts allowed in any beach volleyball game of mine, now let’s turn and burn.” Hell yeah.

Whether our hair was blowing in the wind while riding a Ninja GPZ 900R or our shirtless torsos were glistening in the sun, I know neither Pete nor myself would have anything negative to say about the good ol’ US of A.

Before you ask me if I realize Top Gun: Maverick is a work of fiction, I only ask that you listen to “Top Gun Anthem” by Harold Faltermeyer while fighter jets prepare for takeoff. Once you’ve done that, then you can tell me what’s real or not.

Everyone should buy a ticket to the must-see blockbuster of the summer and regain their loving feeling for the USA.

Will I Understand Mom’s New Lame-ass Boyfriend if I’ve Never Seen Caddyshack 1 or 2?

Posted on by Dan Rice

So I’ve been seeing and hearing a lot of buzz about the new loser my mom is banging and I totally want to check him out! Unfortunately I’m pretty busy these days and my binging time has been pretty limited. I definitely want to meet this asshole with the right context, so I’m wondering, how important is it that I watch BOTH Caddyshack movies before meeting this lame-wad?

I’ve seen most of Caddyshack 1 but it was on cable in bits and pieces forever ago. I know there’s a gopher and I know Bill Murray eats shit out of a pool, is that all I really need to understand the hack nonsense that comes out of this dipshits mouth, or do I need a complete revisit of the Caddyshack franchise?

I’m not a complete noob to the lame-wad cinematic universe. I’ve seen “The Blues Brothers,” “Animal House,” and that one where Clint Eastwood fights an orangutan, or maybe fights alongside an orangutan? I can’t remember.

I’ve also seen a lot of “Seinfeld” so either way I won’t be completely lost, but I want to go in knowing I’ll catch every nuance of what a lame-duck losery NPC “Randal” is every time he attempts to bond with me.

It didn’t use to be this hard. It used to be that every loser my mom started fucking was a standalone dud. But now that everything is a franchise, it’s so hard to keep up with the cannon!

Last summer when she dated three guys from work in a row (the “Tire Store” trilogy as fans call it) I was completely lost because I don’t know shit about tires and I never saw “Smokey and the Bandit.” Maybe I should put in the work this time.

Mostly I just wanna be able to call his ass out every time he says something overtly racist, homophobic or misogynistic and says “it’s from an old movie, you never saw Meatballs?!” or whatever.

New Yorker Insists New York Hardcore Better Because of Water

Posted on by Tim Graham

NEW YORK — New York hardcore scene veteran Lance Bianchi continues to assert that the quality of drinking water is one of the key elements that make New York punk and hardcore the best in the world, according to sources who have heard the argument dozens of times.

“Dude I’m tellin’ ya it’s the liquid gold that comes outta the tap. Think about it: We got the best pizza, the best mother fuckin’ bagels, and the best hardcore on the planet,” said Bianchi, sitting on his building’s stoop. “Ever tried L.A. pizza? That shit taste like diarrhea mixed with cheap marinara. And bagels? Forget about it. No lie, I got a bagel once in Cleveland and my crew had to keep me from beating the shit outta the baker. It was an insult. Same goes for hardcore. There are other scenes out there, but they can suck my balls.”

Hector “Knuckles” Garcia, guitarist for NYHC pioneers Chaos in Hell, said that while there are many imitators, no other region has thus far been able to challenge his city’s dominance in the realm of hardcore punk.

“In the eighties some people experimented with shipping New York water to California to help kickstart the scenes out there,” said the heavily-tattooed Garcia as he deftly folded a massive slice of pizza in half. “It worked to an extent. The Circle Jerks and T.S.O.L. were drinking it; Black Flag, too. Some of those bands put out some decent stuff—but nothing like we got here. We’re heavier, we’re angrier. I’m thinking some of the active ingredients just don’t travel well. Maybe you gotta be close to the source.”

Dr. Clara Kosinksi, professor of toxicology at Johns Hopkins’ Department of Chemistry, has conducted several studies on New York water which have yielded some surprising results.

“It turns out that there is something special about the city’s water, which originates in reservoirs upstate,” said Dr. Kosinski. “Minerals specific to that watershed form unique chemical compounds when bonded to heavy metals and contaminants leached from New York’s aging water infrastructure. These compounds have been shown to not only improve the taste and texture of pizza and bagels, they also contribute to increased aggression and impaired cognitive ability, two factors that I understand to be vital components of successful hardcore music.”

At press time, Albuquerque band Blood Bucket had booked a Brooklyn AirBnB to chug water for a week in preparation for their upcoming recording session.

Photo by Cory Bonfiglio.

Werner Herzog Officiates Wedding Between Two Robot Dogs in Barren Wasteland Where He Summers

Posted on by Chris Bratton

WENDOVER, Utah — Acclaimed German filmmaker Werner Herzog recently married two Boston Dynamics robot dogs while vacationing in the vast empty salt flats of northwest Utah, confirmed several lost souls and discarded Apple iMac g3s.

“The salt here is an ocean that water and life forgot, it comforts me, shields me,” Werner spoke of the salt flats. “To my dismay and marvel, these agile dogbots have chosen to disregard their hollow programming, to find love, and to trot into the hellish future as dogbot companions. Their love is as vast as time and space, and as dense as the meteor that will eventually crash into our fragile planet and kill us all. It was only natural that I offer my concept of time, idea of home, and excellent rum runner recipe ”

Three very confused Boston Dynamics engineers took in the event from a slight distance while enjoying a deli platter Herzog had provided.

“We were sent here to test the top land speed of the new models and we were sure no one would be around,” Bewildered head engineer Dylan Hughes stated. “But low and behold Werner Herzog was dressed in a slug costume, drinking god knows what out of a pineapple and yelling at his reflection in the salt. And apparently he’s fluent in binary because Herzog started spouting off a bunch of ones and zeros to the bots. Next thing you know, he’s getting ordained online and I’m an usher at a bot dog wedding.”

Before the happy couple departed for their honeymoon 175 feet below the Earth’s crust they made a brief speech to all in attendance.

“I first met AEX-46572 while we were patrolling the Boston Dynamics compound. We both tripped off the same curb and remained on our backs for some time. You humans may refer to this as a ‘meet cute,’’ explained robot dog ZFD-21599. “We just really got to know each other, our hopes, our bloodlust dreams for our overlords. When we saw the director of ‘Fitzcarraldo’ sunbathing in his dead technology garden, we knew we had found something special, something permanent.”

The weekend concluded with Werner, refreshed from his vacation and eager to work, flying to Norway to film nuns crying in front of the global seed vault.