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Creeping Mortality: 60 Minutes Is Now Catering To My Interests

Remember when your parents would watch 60 Minutes? You knew it was the end of the weekend. It symbolized the death of your free time as a kid because school was only 12 hours away but your parents were riveted by the reporting and would laugh uproariously at Mickey Rooney’s old-man rants awe at the wise words of Mike Wallace. You would just concentrate on your SEGA Game Gear and wonder why old people sucked so much. Well, guess what? 60 Minutes fucking rocks now.

A report on the effects of ‘deep fakes’ in the future? I’m in. A retrospective on the legacy of Seinfeld? Hell yeah. Watching how people coexist with Grizzly bears in Montana? Hold the fucking phone because I’m not available for the next 12 minutes.

Now I understand why my parents ignored me as a kid during 60 Minutes. It helps you appreciate your life because it reminds you how fragile and fleeting it is by captivating things that you didn’t even know you wanted to hear about.

Yes, I want to watch this interview with Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett that touches on Alzheimer’s because I love their music and I can’t help but wonder about my own demise that might have already begun and I don’t even know it yet.

Now I understand why my folks loved it back when I was a dumb kid with a narrow worldview who lacked a diverse perspective. But it also made me realize we’re so close to death’s door. It helped them feel close to things they loved that are dying and discover topics they never knew they cared about.

When did they start saying cool shit on 60 Minutes? Did Mike Wallace ever utter the words “groovy” or has Lesley Stahl ever classified anything as “Based”? Hell no. We’re running out of time and we need to learn more about Putin’s Regime. I now understand the purpose of 60 Minutes, to remind us that this could be our last hour on earth, so we might as well learn something fucking cool.