Review: If You’d Told Me the Premise of “The Last of Us” Before You Made Me Watch It Then I Wouldn’t Have Eaten All That Psilocybin Earlier

Posted on by James Knapp

I know I’m a little bit behind the times on this – I mean, that game came out like ten years ago and somehow I know nothing about it – and while I’m still happy to see Pedro McHandsomeFace as a sexy, post-apocalyptic Han Solo smuggler type, you could have at least told me that it was a fungus plague that ends humanity before I ate all those psychedelic mushrooms earlier.

You watched me eat them! And when I asked why you were laughing you just said “oh, you’ll find out.” Then the very first scene is the fuck-up brother from “The Mummy” explaining how fungus is an unstoppable apocalypse waiting to happen right as the psilocybin starts bending light particles around me. Oh Jesus, am I infected now? Are wispy mushroom tentacles going to start growing out of my mouth too?!

And who the hell is that bossy little girl that looks like a pale garden gnome? Now I’m having flashbacks to my big sister making fun of me because I accidentally pooped myself a little at Six Flags that one vacation. It’s making me feel like if I were in a mushroom armageddon, then I would definitely die in a bathroom – I hate this.

Oh sure, now they’re introducing new characters like this plot wasn’t confusing and frightening enough already. And great, one of them is a right-wing prepper nutjob. What the hell is happening?

Wait a minute, I think I got it now. So those two guys, Hank and Phil, they’re in love and also somehow old at this point. I think the drugs might be fucking with my timeline a bit.

Oh no. Oh no! He’s dying! I can taste my emotions and they’re making Hank die right in front of me! THEY’RE BOTH DYING! Oh God, they just love each other so much! Love is real again! “The Last of Us” and psilocybin saved love!

Wow. Okay, I think I’m coming down now. Fuck, that was a really healing experience for me. Can we watch this show again next week? I’m gonna do ketamine and see if that bossy little girl gives me some epiphany about the nature of hope.

Keyboard Player Still Trying to Figure Out What the Fuck to Do With Her Legs During Show

Posted on by Ernie Dixon

DETROIT — Local keyboard player Stacey Rankins entered her tenth year playing keyboards in touring bands, but is still struggling with what her legs should be doing while she is standing on stage, sources close to the musician confirmed.

“The singer and guitar players can walk, jump around, and do roundhouse kicks if they’re feeling particularly nimble. The drummer gets to hide behind a giant kit, nobody even sees his legs. I’m basically stuck in one place making sure my instrument doesn’t tip over and smash a monitor,” said Rankins while watching another Riverdance video for inspiration. “I’ve tried kind of bouncing or doing little shuffles side to side but I’m afraid I just look like an asshole. I’ve been at this forever but every time I go out on stage it’s like I start drawing a complete blank on what to do. I know people can feel my anxiety when they are staring at my stationary feet, and it probably ruins the show for them.”

A recent attendee of a show featuring Rankins noticed that she seemed to be struggling on stage while the band played.

“About ten minutes or so into the show some of us were concerned that she was sick or something. Her legs would kind of start out moving along to the music, but suddenly they would begin jerking around or bending independently of one another,” said Landry Powell. “Then there were some twists or something? I tried to ignore it but she seemed to really freak out up there. A couple of times I saw her looking around like she was trying to see if anyone noticed what was going on and it looked like she might have started crying.”

Piano teacher Leslie Thorpe says this is a struggle that all young players go through and is a common issue afflicting thousands throughout the keyboard community.

“I can’t begin to describe the heartbreak you experience when you glimpse a gifted young player at a keyboard for the first time,” said Thorpe. “The issues start to manifest almost instantly, whether they keep their legs rigid as concrete or start flopping them around like dying fish. I try to comfort them by saying they could always end up the Elton John or Billy Joel type if they have the chops to go solo, but who am I kidding?”

At press time, Rankins was looking at investing in one of the giant floor pianos from the movie “Big” as a solution.

We Sat Down With Trapt Because We Were Selling Our Plasma Too

Posted on by Tony Morse

Geez man, this economy just keeps getting tougher. Last year it was crushing inflation and now there’s talk of recession. At least that’s what our bosses said when they froze our salaries. I guess it was cool of them to wait until after the holidays so we could still have fun running up our credit card balances, but still!

It’s time to get that proletariat side hustle on, but we’re really burnt out from the usual gigs. That little asshole we drove to the Machine Gun Kelly show gave us a one-star rating, so our Uber days are over. And it turns out Caviar customers don’t tip if you sample their fries, so we decided to go big and get into BioTech. We’re gonna sell our plasma and make rent.

Unfortunately, this looks like a pretty competitive industry. Before we could even finish signing all the waivers, Twitter sensation Trapt walked in!

The Hard Times: Hey, aren’t you guys a commercially successful band?
Trapt: We’re a band, yes. What’s it to you?

Are you, like, shooting a video here or something?
No, we’re here because it’s been two days since our last plasma donation.

You guys come in that often?
Well yeah, unless we’re on tour or promoting a new release. Then we come in every three days.

Got it. What else have you guys been up to?
We’ve been rocking those online surveys you can take for money. And we had some good luck finding banks that pay you a few bucks for opening an account with them. The only challenge there is sourcing the startup capital for the $100 minimum account balance, you know?

Totally. Anything else?
The “refer a friend” promotions seemed promising at first, but they only let you refer your bandmates so many times.

Can’t you just hit up your other friends?
…

Makes sense. Any new music in the works?
Why bother? It’s only four more years until the 25th anniversary of Headstrong. The re-issue is gonna be lit!

Can’t wait.

Every Taking Back Sunday Album Ranked

Posted on by Ted Pillow

Taking Back Sunday dominated the emo scene of the early oughts and influenced so many bands of the era. They also had a legendary rivalry with Brand New, which Taking Back Sunday eventually won mainly because Jesse Lacy proved to be a creep. Anyway, we ranked all their albums, you might disagree with our top spot, but we don’t care what you have to say about it. Go whine to the police for all we care.

7. Tidal Wave (2016)

I haven’t gotten around to listening to TBS’s latest album, seeing as it just came out in 2016. Seven years might seem like a long time, but it’s only 6 months in “I’m in my 30s” years. We just have to assume it belongs here in last place.

Play it again: “Tidal Wave”

Skip it: “I Felt It Too”

 

 

6. New Again (2009)

This is the worst version of the classic Taking Back Sunday formula: Adam Lazzara sharing vocal duty with another guy who also can’t really sing (but can at least play guitar).

Play it again: “Sink into Me”

Skip it: “Where My Mouth Is”

 

 

 

5. Taking Back Sunday (2011)

It’s never good when a band makes their fifth album self-titled. That’s some failed reinvention, midlife crisis type shit. You know these guys named the studio’s WiFi “Taking Back Sunday” and the password was “takingbacksunday” and I hope they got their identities stolen, because they deserved it after this one.  But hey, click here if you want to add this to your record collection.

Play it again: Best Places To Be A Mom (Finally, a song about shopping at Target)

Skip it: Money (Let It Go)

4. Louder Now (2006)

When it comes to getting into popular bands, there’s a right and wrong time. The first record is for the diehards, but the second is still early enough to jump on the bandwagon. But getting really into the band’s third record?? Christ. I bet The Matrix Revolutions is your favorite movie, ya jackass.

Grab a copy for yourself in our merch store, click here.

Play it again: What’s It Feel Like To Be A Ghost?

Skip it: Miami (Emo songs should be about Detroit or Cleveland…let Pitbull have Miami)

3. Happiness Is (2014)

This is a good album even though “Happiness is…” was also a prompt on my rather disastrous appearance on Family Feud. My answer was “taking a big crap at work.” Apparently no one surveyed felt the same way, and my family hasn’t spoken to me since. Steve Harvey said he 100% agreed, for the record.

Buy this album and send it to my dad and maybe he will forgive me, click here.

Play it again: Stood a Chance

Skip it: Preface (An ambient music album opener? Chill out, Dream Theater)

2. Tell All Your Friends (2002)

This album still has the perfect lyrics for when you need an AIM away message that will make your girlfriend and best friend both ask, “Oh shit, is that about me?” And maybe you’re thinking this album should be number 1 on our list, and maybe you’re right. But just remember the ice caps are melting and you will die from a new plague before we change our mind.

Remember CDs? They are coming back. Check it out.

Play it again: You’re So Last Summer

Skip it: Ghost Man On Third

1. Where You Want to Be (2004)

You probably think this is only my favorite because I was a high school student on Long Island when it came out. Well, the joke’s on you…I was a high school student on Long Island when all of these albums came out! And I’ll never graduate because I vow to spend the rest of my life reading on a 10th-grade level and listening to music on an 8th-grade level.

Play it again: …Slowdance On The Inside

Skip it: New American Classic (No ballads for me, I actually prefer to weep in my car to a quick tempo)

Super Bowl Halftime Show to Honor Fallen Eagles Fans Who Slipped on Own Puke at Urinals During First Quarter

Posted on by Doug Kolic

NEW ORLEANS — The highly anticipated Kendrick Lamar Super Bowl Halftime show is expected to include an In Memoriam segment to honor all the Eagles fans who slipped on their own puke and died in the stadium’s washrooms during the first quarter, officials worried for everyone’s safety confirmed.

“Our fans are our number one priority,” stated NFL V.P. of Operations Hank Topsider. “So that’s why we think it’s important to honor those Eagles fans who will undoubtedly drink too much, fight, puke, smash themselves silly, and drop dead within a few minutes of kickoff. We want this event to be inclusive of all fans from the city of brotherly love, those who actually make it to the second quarter without being arrested or injured, and those who spend their last brave moments hearing the roar of the crowd as they’re being rushed to St. Joseph’s Trauma Center.”

Die-hard Chiefs fan Stacy Everett disagreed with this initiative to honor Eagles fans.

“What a waste of time celebrating a bunch of toxic fans who have no respect for anyone,” Everett said while wearing a ceremonial headdress and Native American-style face paint outside the stadium. “It’s one thing to get piss drunk, chant about beating the hell out of the other team, and film a TikTok dance on the shrine to a dead opponent, but it’s another thing to do some of those things if you’re also screaming ‘Go Birds’ the whole time. Now if you’d excuse me, we’re about to do the Tomahawk chop to some inconsiderate protestors who are still bitching about our name.”

Sports behavior expert Carl Shattenkirk believes glorifying any rowdy behavior is a slippery slope that should be avoided.

“I think the NFL is playing with fire,” Shattenkirk described. “Though it’s admirable to honor any lives injured or lost during games, my research shows dumb fans of any team fuelled with enough alcohol and low self-esteem will take it as a personal goal to get even stupider just to get onto that jumbotron and be part of the halftime show. As for Eagles fans, yes they can be a bit rabid, and I don’t mean that only metaphorically. Some of them will legitimately try to bite you if you get too close.”

At press time, the NFL was regretting their decision after the video tribute went into its thirty-fifth minute.

Philly Dad Passes Down His Father’s Throwing Batteries for Son to Use at Super Bowl

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

PHILADELPHIA — Lifelong Philadelphia Eagles fan Michael Catalano passed down his father’s beloved pack of throwing batteries to his son Anthony for his trip to Super Bowl LIX, family sources confirmed this morning.

“Our family has been throwing these batteries since 1972 — I got them from my old man when he passed away after a long and painful battle with some drunk moron at Oscar’s Tavern,” said Mr. Catalano. “Our batteries have been chucked at some of the most athletic skulls in the world: Sidney Crosby, Tom Brady, J.D. Drew… and this one hot-shot at the pitch-and-putt. But my old man’s dream over the past few seasons has been to absolutely annihilate that State Farm-shilling chump Patrick Mahomes.”

When Anthony scored tickets to see the Eagles in the Super Bowl on Sunday, the elder Catalano knew it was time to pass along the heirloom batteries.

“Somewhere, up above — or, more realistically, down below — I know Pops is smiling on his grandson, hoping he smashes up pretty-boy Mahomes’ face real good,” said the proud father. “It’s time for me to let them go. I can’t put the heat on them like I used to; my accuracy is gone. Anthony was a hell of a pitcher in Little League. I know he’ll do some damage with the Catalano D-size ‘Mini Missiles.’”

Some, however, including self-proclaimed “Chiefs mega-fan” who only really started following the team in 2020, Shannon Connelley, aren’t thrilled by the Catalano tradition.

“I’d like to think those battery throwin’ tool bags are in the minority, but we all know that every mouth-breathing Philly sports fan is a greased-pole climbing, drunken hooligan. Hell, their team hasn’t even beaten anyone good yet, besides all those good teams with winning records they demolished,” said Connelley. “These no-BBQ cooking schmucks threw snowballs at Santa Claus. If I saw them disrespecting Santa in person, I’d glare at them from a safe distance so hard.”

At press time, Anthony Catalano is allegedly drunk and shirtless on Bourbon Street, screaming, “Fuck the Cowboys.”

Millencolin Ready If Called Upon for Any Future Punk-O-Rama Releases

Posted on by Dustin Newman

ÖREBRO, Sweden — Pop punk mainstays Millencolin reiterated their stance that they are ready to participate in any new editions of the defunct compilation series Punk-O-Rama, despite no indications of the collection’s return.

“Vinyl made a big comeback, and is breaking all kinds of sales records. But unfortunately, you don’t see many compilation albums on vinyl. They’re really a shitty CD thing. Though I will say, I’m even seeing people buying cassettes again, which makes me a touch hopeful,” said Millencolin guitarist Erik Ohlsson. “I guess it’s all cyclical, but how long do we have to wait for compact disc notalgia to kick in and they start making compilations like that again? I know the guys from Lagwagon, Pulley, and Ten Foot Pole all have one or two songs they are willing to throw away as well.”

Punk-O-Rama enthusiast and avid compilation collector Chet Talavera was only aware of the band’s existence through their inclusion in the series.

“I legitimately cannot believe there are nine full Millencolin studio albums. To be honest, I didn’t really know Millencolin had such an extensive back catalog. I figured they just called these guys up when the people that put together the compilations needed a 14th track on the album,” said Talavera while looking at the band’s Wikipedia entry. “All I know is, if I flip to the compilations section in my CD binder and pull out a random disc, there’s a good chance Millencolin will have a song on there.”

The band’s management is currently searching for alternative methods to gain exposure.

“I called the Punk-O-Rama people, and frankly there’s just not a lot of interest in bringing that series back right now. Something about CD sales dropping by about 100% over the last two decades,” said Millencolin manager Slick Bailey. “I’ve been racking my brain on an alternative way for us to cash in. Aren’t they making Tony Hawk games again? Or maybe those birthday cards that play music when you open them. Yeah, that could work.”

At press time, Millencolin made it known if push comes to shove, they’d be willing to appear on a lesser compilation series like Punk Goes Pop, but they draw the line at Punk Goes Crunk.

How to Use Pro Tools to Touch Up All of Your Imperfections as a Human Being Too

Posted on by Chris Bowen

Everyone who has ever entered the studio in the past 15 years or so, knows that Pro Tools is the standard program engineers use to make fuck ups on tracks disappear. With one click, drag, or touch of a key, any semblance of humanity in a record production can be wiped away replacing it with a smooth, clean, flawless robotic sound the masses demand.

You might wonder, “Wow, if only a program like Pro Tools could fix all the flaws and fuck ups I tend to display in my everyday life, then I would appeal to the masses!” Well you’re in luck because here you will find some little-known facts about the recording software that can make you as a person seem as though you have zero flaws, much like that metal drummer you love (that sounds like every other metal drummer.)

Say you are a drummer in a metal band. When you’ve been laying down your tracks, you know there are many spots that you’ve fucked up on. Low snare hit here, stick hitting a shell during a fill there. You get done recording, and you feel like a real piece of shit. You know you’re an inferior drummer. This is when your engineer and Pro Tools come in to eradicate that sense of inadequacy! 3 hours later, all those pesky self-doubts are smashed and you walk away thinking you’re a regular Mikkey Dee.

Sure, you have love and passion for your music. But how much do you really contribute to society? Sometimes your inferiority complex turns to anger, then tends to alienate you from your friends and loved ones. But once you finally release that polished, clicky-sounding punk EP using the ‘Tools, you’ll have no reason to think you’re a worthless sack of crap any longer!

Years of abandonment issues lead you down the path to alcoholism. You can’t hold a steady job, maintain loving relationships, or participate in modern-day society. With Pro Tools, however, all of that stuff and more can be replaced! All that needs to be done is, get a basic understanding of the program, then go on forums about it, and insult everyone on there for being idiots and not knowing what they’re talking about!

The best part about Pro Tools, however, is the deep menus users have found throughout the years. There, they have ways of polishing up annoying traits such as always talking with your mouth full, refusing to make any eye contact when someone is talking to you, having horrible dogshit breath, and can even touch up the way you’re always stealing stuff from restaurants and hotel rooms! Pro Tools can help shape the way you’re perceived as a musician, but also as a human being!

Opinion: Red Hot Chili Peppers Is Just Phish for People Who Like Red Hot Chili Peppers

Posted on by Jason VanSlycke

Quick! Name a forty-year-old funky rock quartet known for on-stage nudity, a history of substance abuse, and dedicated fans who don’t mind that they’re still churning out the same-sounding songs every album. It’s Phish, right? Gotta be Phish. Who else but Phish? Unless we’re talking about the Red Hot Chili Peppers. But they’re basically Phish, just for people who like Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Red Hot Chili Peppers make the kind of music that Phish fans would like, only if instead of ten-minute jams they were into geographical rap-rock. The musicianship is incredible but it can get kinda repetitive and struggles to leave its limiting musical suburb. I must be talking about the Vermont quartet with their own Ben & Jerry’s flavor but I’m talking about the Red Hot Chili Peps.

Tell me, what band does this sound like? The fans know the best live shows, they know the ups and downs of their discography, and they spend a lot of money on concert tickets. You will only hear the band’s music when you visit your pothead friend. Their popularity is almost entirely based on the drug trade in the parking lot outside of their shows. Again, you’d think I was talking about Phish, and I was this time, but I could also be talking about the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Do you like Flea’s bass? Do you dig a little low-end to lay that groove down? Then you should check out Phish’s Mike Gordon. Maybe jam some “Wolfman’s Brother” and try to ignore the silly falsetto bits. Or put on “Sugar Shack” but also ignore the sour notes. Look, some of Phish’s vocals are more energy than accuracy. It’s fair to say Trey is no Anthony Kiedis. It’s also fair to say Red Hot Chili Peppers are Phish for people who like Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Deadhead Prefers Version of “Happy Birthday” Sung to Him by Family on 10/28/92

Posted on by Max Barth

SAN FRANCISCO — Local deadhead Conrad Heath announced that, while he certainly appreciates his loved ones singing “Happy Birthday” to him every year, no performance can surpass the live version he recorded in 1992, confirmed disappointed relatives.

“Not only is the audio quality better on my tape than most of the early ‘90s shows my dad pulled from VHS, this was the final performance featuring Grandpa, whose creative anti-harmonies were integral to that era’s storied sound,” said Heath. “Further, the remastered 10/28/92 performance shows that my family did an incredibly rare ‘Happy Birthday’>’How Old Are You Now’>’For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow’ medley that blew me the fuck away. And who could forget the absolutely sizzling thirteen minute solo by Crackers, my dog who barked nonstop for the entirety of his life. That whole day, sunny and warm, was a vibe I’ll never forget. I think I got a Super Nintendo, too.”

Other guests have differing memories of the day, however.

“I was at that birthday party and I know it’s Conrad’s favorite,” said one of his cousins, granted anonymity in order to disagree with a family member they still buy weed from. “I gotta say, though, nothing for me will top the ‘98 version. There’s been a lot of speculation about changes in the family’s sound after Aunt Edna overdosed, but I still rank the ‘98 ‘Happy Birthday’ as the best. Maybe it’s just where I was standing. In ‘92, my view was blocked by Grandpa, and that fucking dog was barking in my ear the whole time.”

John Mayer, who has toured with Bob Weir, Mickey Hart and Bill Kreutzmann for several years as Dead & Company, offered several hundred thoughts in an attempt to reconcile fans divergent views.

“You know, I’ve listened to both [the ‘92 and ‘98] recordings endlessly and I honestly don’t know what is better,” said Mayer in between DMing Instagram models 25 years younger than him. “I think ‘92 had a magic and ephemeral breath to it that was necessary to create the ‘98 take, but I also think the ‘98 version was a real repudiation of an earlier era of ‘Happy Birthday’ performances that were understandably more playful. Put simply, one is a scorcher you kind of ride like a dragon and the other is the cool vapor from rain after the dragon burns down the village. I mean, I’m the village and the dragon, in a sense. Are we still recording?”

As of press time, Heath was arguing with fans online regarding the legitimacy of the Zoom birthday song of 2020.