Cop Clocks in for Long, Exhausting Shift of Sitting in Parked Cruiser Outside of 7-Eleven

Posted on by James Knapp

BOILING SPRINGS, Penn. — Police corporal Stu Plansey geared up for another long, grueling day of sitting idle in his squad car at a local 7-Eleven parking lot, sources who felt their tax dollars could be better served elsewhere confirmed.

“I joined the force to protect and serve. And right now I’m gonna protect myself from hunger with the help of a full assortment of 89-cent hotdogs,” stated Plansey while parked diagonally in front of the complimentary air pump. “But I gotta stay vigilant. There’s plenty of no-good teenagers loitering around here, and I’m pretty sure that that cashier is from one of those ISIS countries. I better make sure my gun is already out and with the safety off. I saw a few homeless people a few blocks away so I’m starting to fear for my life here!”

Local teenager Charles “Upchuck” Stoote agreed that Plansey should fear for his life.

“That pig should be worried. Me and my boys are real tough, hardcore badasses that need 32-ounce Slurpees every now and then,” proclaimed Stoote right before checking his watch to make sure it wasn’t past his curfew. “Still though it’s pretty fucking weird that this cop spends his whole shift in that same spot. I know this isn’t a big town or anything but there’s gotta be at least a cat up a tree or a stolen Rascal scooter for him to look for. He’s already on his third Big Gulp of the evening right now.”

7-Eleven assistant manager and lone employee who wasn’t too hungover to go to work that day Alexander Wadjidali remains skeptical of the necessity of Plansey’s presence.

“At first I didn’t really mind so much that [Plansey] would sit out there. Although I must admit, sometimes I look out the window and I just catch him staring at me. He doesn’t even look away when I catch him—he just keeps staring,” said Wadjidali. “One time he was looking at me and I could swear he was just peeing in an empty cup just under his dashboard. I know we don’t have a public restroom here but c’mon, man—you’re an officer of the law! Take that shit to the alley like the rest of us!”

At press time, Plansey attempted to stand up so he could confiscate some skateboards only to realize that he no longer had any feeling in his feet.

Help! I Started Masturbating to Baroness Album Covers and Now I Can’t Get Off Without Layered Symbolic Imagery

Posted on by Dave McNamara

It started about four months ago. I was home alone, trying to recover from a long work stretch and I thought that a good wank might be in order. But when I opened up my laptop I was devastated to find that the wifi was out. In a half-hard panic, I scrambled around my room for some kind of magazine or even that Sweetwater catalog that had that kinda hot boom mic operator in it. Then I remembered the copy of Yellow & Green I stole from my last girlfriend. Unfortunately, now I can’t get off without several layers of symbolic imagery. Help!

There’s just something about a topless woman cutting a swan’s throat with a knife that really does it for me. It started to become my go-to cranking material. I bought Red, Blue, and Purple too. Then I pulled my pud until it was red, blue, and purple too.

I couldn’t get enough. The imagery and symbols really started to take me to new autoerotic heights. I couldn’t get enough. My first trip to the Philadelphia Museum of Art went smoothly. It was cold so no one questioned my oversized trench coat as I stood, hunched in ecstasy, in the “Symbolism of the Late 19th Century” exhibit. It was like being in the Playboy Mansion, but instead of Hugh Hefner showing me around it was Klimt, Moreau, and Munch.

Before I knew it, I was banned from every art museum in town. And as much as I’d like to indulge in this new kink in the privacy of my own home, Pornhub has yet to add a visual metaphor filter to its search engine. I heard there’s a new Baroness album in the works, so I can at least look forward to that. Hopefully, there are some she-wolves and poppy flowers on it.

10 Bands That Are Now Classic Rock, Proving You Are Old as Hell

Posted on by James Knapp

Time: man’s only natural predator. While once we were all new and hip it is only inevitable that we someday age into the “having a preference in what blend of sock material we like best” phase of our lives. So it goes in the world of music as well – and here are a few of the once new and exciting bands that now are firmly classic rock.

Green Day

Green Day may have been the band that got pop-punk to break into the mainstream, but that was almost thirty fucking years ago. Once you’ve turned your anti-establishment album into a Broadway musical and started your own coffee brand that tastes the way gentrification feels, it’s fair to say you’ve left your youth behind.

Weezer

This one just kind of imploded on itself like a white dwarf star of aging mediocrity. Though they may have defined alternative rock in the 90s, now Weezer reminds us of our chronically single uncle who tells us he “saw Soundgarden back before they got big” every Thanksgiving.

Everyone In No Doubt Except Gwen Stefani

We don’t know what kind of voodoo magic that woman bestowed herself with to remain relevant all these years, but the rest of No Doubt have aged like ska-punk flavored milk.

Gross!

Although Gwen, if you’re reading this, give us a call sometime. We dunno, maybe let’s grab a coffee somewhere.

Black Flag

Remember back when Greg Ginn was the coolest punk guitarist ever around? Yeah, us neither. But after so many years, lawsuits and whatever the hell that last album was about, we guess Ginn’s band (it really is only his band at this point) has taken a turn for grandpa rock.

Every Band That Got Big On Myspace… and Myspace

A couple of years back a bunch of forty-somethings freaked right the fuck out because Myspace saw a slight spike in traffic and we all thought the social media juggernaut was going to become a thing again. It didn’t, of course, but do you know what you need to be to ever be “a thing again?” Old as shit! And they took every band that was ever anybody’s profile music with them into senility.

Your Old Band From High School

What was it called? Johnny Crud and Gutterfuckers? Yep, that shit’s classic rock. Now go be responsible and make sure your third grader gets on the bus okay.

Your Old Band From College

At least this band of yours actually recorded a couple of EPs. Unfortunately it was during your weird avant-garde phase and holy shit, calling this classic rock might even be giving it too much credit.

The Lone Rangers

It’s sad to see a band that worked so hard and committed so many crimes to go the way of Kenny G. A band who uncovered the insidious plot to turn Rebel Radio soft as shit by station manager Miles and whatever Kramer’s character was called. They first introduced us to “Degenerated” and the concept that record contracts have to come “unsolicited” – but now all these guys are winning Oscars and the bass player looks like a shoe made out of cactus. Sorry to say The Lone Rangers are firmly in the classics category now.

A Bunch of WWI Era Bagpipers

These dudes rocked before rock was rock, and they did it all while DIYing their own foxholes and being shelled by proto-Nazis. Though fortunately most of them died of trenchfoot before they could coast into classic rock mundanity, those who did live had to see themselves fade into the purgatorial role of “PapPap with the thousand-yard-stare.”

Phil Collins

There has never been a time when Mr. Collins, as he has always preferred to be called, has not been classic rock. He is classic rock personified. If you walked up to a blind painter and told them to paint you the definition of classic rock they would cram a bunch of brushes in their asshole, fart them at the canvas, then fall to their knees and weep because the image they would have created would be an unaltered photograph of Phil Collins. If you listen to this man with any sincerity you are so fucking old you are likely mere minutes away from death. Farewell.

19-Year-Old Getting Into ’90s Music Wondering Why All Their New Favorite Bands Only Playing County Fairs

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

BROCKTON, Mass. — Local teenager Olivia Washburn reports being confused by the fact that all her favorite bands from the ‘90s seem to only play county fairs on each of their tour stops, confirmed multiple sources who let her borrow some old CDs.

“I recently started getting into some classic rock bands like Dishwalla, Better Than Ezra, and Collective Soul. ‘90s music just hits different and I have no idea why they never come through Boston on tour,” said Washburn while watching an “Ultimate ‘90s” rock playlist on YouTube. “They always end up playing in the middle of nowhere like the Rockbridge Cider Festival, Laine County Jamboree, or the Tri-Valley Harvest Hoe Down. The good thing is usually the tickets are free, but I would need to travel to Iowa to see any of them. Maybe it would be worth it if I could get a blue ribbon for my prized hog, or if I had a giant pumpkin to display.”

Crash Test Dummies lead vocalist Brad Roberts says the county festival circuit is the sole reason his band continues to play live.

“You can laugh all you want but fairs, carnivals, and large farmer’s markets are very lucrative. Not only do we get a guarantee of $1,200 each time, but we get all the fried dough we want, and we can take home any of the leftover cotton candy from the day,” said Roberts from a motel room he is sharing with his other three bandmates. “We are already booked solid through the summer. We usually play around 1 p.m., it’s always outdoors, and normally we have to help set up and break down the stage, which usually happens after a pie-eating contest. So I’ve learned to bring some wet wipes with me because those contestants are always so sloppy.”

Gus Levinson, a former tour manager for multiple ‘90s rock bands, says the market isn’t strong enough for these bands to tour clubs.

“The ‘90s were a long time ago. Most people don’t want to have to pay a babysitter just so they can go stand around in a cramped room for hours on end,” said Levinson. “They would much rather bring their entire family to a Sunday gathering, where there might be a petting zoo, and watch their favorite bands in a wide-open field. It’s nice seeing the joy on a 55-year-old man’s face as he clumsily dances in his plaid shorts to an Eve 6 song.”

At press time, Washburn was excited to see one of her favorite bands, Tonic, would be playing Foxwoods Casino’s coveted 4 a.m. slot.

Review: If You’d Told Me the Premise of “The Last of Us” Before You Made Me Watch It Then I Wouldn’t Have Eaten All That Psilocybin Earlier

Posted on by James Knapp

I know I’m a little bit behind the times on this – I mean, that game came out like ten years ago and somehow I know nothing about it – and while I’m still happy to see Pedro McHandsomeFace as a sexy, post-apocalyptic Han Solo smuggler type, you could have at least told me that it was a fungus plague that ends humanity before I ate all those psychedelic mushrooms earlier.

You watched me eat them! And when I asked why you were laughing you just said “oh, you’ll find out.” Then the very first scene is the fuck-up brother from “The Mummy” explaining how fungus is an unstoppable apocalypse waiting to happen right as the psilocybin starts bending light particles around me. Oh Jesus, am I infected now? Are wispy mushroom tentacles going to start growing out of my mouth too?!

And who the hell is that bossy little girl that looks like a pale garden gnome? Now I’m having flashbacks to my big sister making fun of me because I accidentally pooped myself a little at Six Flags that one vacation. It’s making me feel like if I were in a mushroom armageddon, then I would definitely die in a bathroom – I hate this.

Oh sure, now they’re introducing new characters like this plot wasn’t confusing and frightening enough already. And great, one of them is a right-wing prepper nutjob. What the hell is happening?

Wait a minute, I think I got it now. So those two guys, Hank and Phil, they’re in love and also somehow old at this point. I think the drugs might be fucking with my timeline a bit.

Oh no. Oh no! He’s dying! I can taste my emotions and they’re making Hank die right in front of me! THEY’RE BOTH DYING! Oh God, they just love each other so much! Love is real again! “The Last of Us” and psilocybin saved love!

Wow. Okay, I think I’m coming down now. Fuck, that was a really healing experience for me. Can we watch this show again next week? I’m gonna do ketamine and see if that bossy little girl gives me some epiphany about the nature of hope.

Keyboard Player Still Trying to Figure Out What the Fuck to Do With Her Legs During Show

Posted on by Ernie Dixon

DETROIT — Local keyboard player Stacey Rankins entered her tenth year playing keyboards in touring bands, but is still struggling with what her legs should be doing while she is standing on stage, sources close to the musician confirmed.

“The singer and guitar players can walk, jump around, and do roundhouse kicks if they’re feeling particularly nimble. The drummer gets to hide behind a giant kit, nobody even sees his legs. I’m basically stuck in one place making sure my instrument doesn’t tip over and smash a monitor,” said Rankins while watching another Riverdance video for inspiration. “I’ve tried kind of bouncing or doing little shuffles side to side but I’m afraid I just look like an asshole. I’ve been at this forever but every time I go out on stage it’s like I start drawing a complete blank on what to do. I know people can feel my anxiety when they are staring at my stationary feet, and it probably ruins the show for them.”

A recent attendee of a show featuring Rankins noticed that she seemed to be struggling on stage while the band played.

“About ten minutes or so into the show some of us were concerned that she was sick or something. Her legs would kind of start out moving along to the music, but suddenly they would begin jerking around or bending independently of one another,” said Landry Powell. “Then there were some twists or something? I tried to ignore it but she seemed to really freak out up there. A couple of times I saw her looking around like she was trying to see if anyone noticed what was going on and it looked like she might have started crying.”

Piano teacher Leslie Thorpe says this is a struggle that all young players go through and is a common issue afflicting thousands throughout the keyboard community.

“I can’t begin to describe the heartbreak you experience when you glimpse a gifted young player at a keyboard for the first time,” said Thorpe. “The issues start to manifest almost instantly, whether they keep their legs rigid as concrete or start flopping them around like dying fish. I try to comfort them by saying they could always end up the Elton John or Billy Joel type if they have the chops to go solo, but who am I kidding?”

At press time, Rankins was looking at investing in one of the giant floor pianos from the movie “Big” as a solution.

We Sat Down With Trapt Because We Were Selling Our Plasma Too

Posted on by Tony Morse

Geez man, this economy just keeps getting tougher. Last year it was crushing inflation and now there’s talk of recession. At least that’s what our bosses said when they froze our salaries. I guess it was cool of them to wait until after the holidays so we could still have fun running up our credit card balances, but still!

It’s time to get that proletariat side hustle on, but we’re really burnt out from the usual gigs. That little asshole we drove to the Machine Gun Kelly show gave us a one-star rating, so our Uber days are over. And it turns out Caviar customers don’t tip if you sample their fries, so we decided to go big and get into BioTech. We’re gonna sell our plasma and make rent.

Unfortunately, this looks like a pretty competitive industry. Before we could even finish signing all the waivers, Twitter sensation Trapt walked in!

The Hard Times: Hey, aren’t you guys a commercially successful band?
Trapt: We’re a band, yes. What’s it to you?

Are you, like, shooting a video here or something?
No, we’re here because it’s been two days since our last plasma donation.

You guys come in that often?
Well yeah, unless we’re on tour or promoting a new release. Then we come in every three days.

Got it. What else have you guys been up to?
We’ve been rocking those online surveys you can take for money. And we had some good luck finding banks that pay you a few bucks for opening an account with them. The only challenge there is sourcing the startup capital for the $100 minimum account balance, you know?

Totally. Anything else?
The “refer a friend” promotions seemed promising at first, but they only let you refer your bandmates so many times.

Can’t you just hit up your other friends?
…

Makes sense. Any new music in the works?
Why bother? It’s only four more years until the 25th anniversary of Headstrong. The re-issue is gonna be lit!

Can’t wait.

Every Taking Back Sunday Album Ranked

Posted on by Ted Pillow

Taking Back Sunday dominated the emo scene of the early oughts and influenced so many bands of the era. They also had a legendary rivalry with Brand New, which Taking Back Sunday eventually won mainly because Jesse Lacy proved to be a creep. Anyway, we ranked all their albums, you might disagree with our top spot, but we don’t care what you have to say about it. Go whine to the police for all we care.

7. Tidal Wave (2016)

I haven’t gotten around to listening to TBS’s latest album, seeing as it just came out in 2016. Seven years might seem like a long time, but it’s only 6 months in “I’m in my 30s” years. We just have to assume it belongs here in last place.

Play it again: “Tidal Wave”

Skip it: “I Felt It Too”

 

 

6. New Again (2009)

This is the worst version of the classic Taking Back Sunday formula: Adam Lazzara sharing vocal duty with another guy who also can’t really sing (but can at least play guitar).

Play it again: “Sink into Me”

Skip it: “Where My Mouth Is”

 

 

 

5. Taking Back Sunday (2011)

It’s never good when a band makes their fifth album self-titled. That’s some failed reinvention, midlife crisis type shit. You know these guys named the studio’s WiFi “Taking Back Sunday” and the password was “takingbacksunday” and I hope they got their identities stolen, because they deserved it after this one.  But hey, click here if you want to add this to your record collection.

Play it again: Best Places To Be A Mom (Finally, a song about shopping at Target)

Skip it: Money (Let It Go)

4. Louder Now (2006)

When it comes to getting into popular bands, there’s a right and wrong time. The first record is for the diehards, but the second is still early enough to jump on the bandwagon. But getting really into the band’s third record?? Christ. I bet The Matrix Revolutions is your favorite movie, ya jackass.

Grab a copy for yourself in our merch store, click here.

Play it again: What’s It Feel Like To Be A Ghost?

Skip it: Miami (Emo songs should be about Detroit or Cleveland…let Pitbull have Miami)

3. Happiness Is (2014)

This is a good album even though “Happiness is…” was also a prompt on my rather disastrous appearance on Family Feud. My answer was “taking a big crap at work.” Apparently no one surveyed felt the same way, and my family hasn’t spoken to me since. Steve Harvey said he 100% agreed, for the record.

Buy this album and send it to my dad and maybe he will forgive me, click here.

Play it again: Stood a Chance

Skip it: Preface (An ambient music album opener? Chill out, Dream Theater)

2. Tell All Your Friends (2002)

This album still has the perfect lyrics for when you need an AIM away message that will make your girlfriend and best friend both ask, “Oh shit, is that about me?” And maybe you’re thinking this album should be number 1 on our list, and maybe you’re right. But just remember the ice caps are melting and you will die from a new plague before we change our mind.

Remember CDs? They are coming back. Check it out.

Play it again: You’re So Last Summer

Skip it: Ghost Man On Third

1. Where You Want to Be (2004)

You probably think this is only my favorite because I was a high school student on Long Island when it came out. Well, the joke’s on you…I was a high school student on Long Island when all of these albums came out! And I’ll never graduate because I vow to spend the rest of my life reading on a 10th-grade level and listening to music on an 8th-grade level.

Play it again: …Slowdance On The Inside

Skip it: New American Classic (No ballads for me, I actually prefer to weep in my car to a quick tempo)

Super Bowl Halftime Show to Honor Fallen Eagles Fans Who Slipped on Own Puke at Urinals During First Quarter

Posted on by Doug Kolic

NEW ORLEANS — The highly anticipated Kendrick Lamar Super Bowl Halftime show is expected to include an In Memoriam segment to honor all the Eagles fans who slipped on their own puke and died in the stadium’s washrooms during the first quarter, officials worried for everyone’s safety confirmed.

“Our fans are our number one priority,” stated NFL V.P. of Operations Hank Topsider. “So that’s why we think it’s important to honor those Eagles fans who will undoubtedly drink too much, fight, puke, smash themselves silly, and drop dead within a few minutes of kickoff. We want this event to be inclusive of all fans from the city of brotherly love, those who actually make it to the second quarter without being arrested or injured, and those who spend their last brave moments hearing the roar of the crowd as they’re being rushed to St. Joseph’s Trauma Center.”

Die-hard Chiefs fan Stacy Everett disagreed with this initiative to honor Eagles fans.

“What a waste of time celebrating a bunch of toxic fans who have no respect for anyone,” Everett said while wearing a ceremonial headdress and Native American-style face paint outside the stadium. “It’s one thing to get piss drunk, chant about beating the hell out of the other team, and film a TikTok dance on the shrine to a dead opponent, but it’s another thing to do some of those things if you’re also screaming ‘Go Birds’ the whole time. Now if you’d excuse me, we’re about to do the Tomahawk chop to some inconsiderate protestors who are still bitching about our name.”

Sports behavior expert Carl Shattenkirk believes glorifying any rowdy behavior is a slippery slope that should be avoided.

“I think the NFL is playing with fire,” Shattenkirk described. “Though it’s admirable to honor any lives injured or lost during games, my research shows dumb fans of any team fuelled with enough alcohol and low self-esteem will take it as a personal goal to get even stupider just to get onto that jumbotron and be part of the halftime show. As for Eagles fans, yes they can be a bit rabid, and I don’t mean that only metaphorically. Some of them will legitimately try to bite you if you get too close.”

At press time, the NFL was regretting their decision after the video tribute went into its thirty-fifth minute.

Philly Dad Passes Down His Father’s Throwing Batteries for Son to Use at Super Bowl

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

PHILADELPHIA — Lifelong Philadelphia Eagles fan Michael Catalano passed down his father’s beloved pack of throwing batteries to his son Anthony for his trip to Super Bowl LIX, family sources confirmed this morning.

“Our family has been throwing these batteries since 1972 — I got them from my old man when he passed away after a long and painful battle with some drunk moron at Oscar’s Tavern,” said Mr. Catalano. “Our batteries have been chucked at some of the most athletic skulls in the world: Sidney Crosby, Tom Brady, J.D. Drew… and this one hot-shot at the pitch-and-putt. But my old man’s dream over the past few seasons has been to absolutely annihilate that State Farm-shilling chump Patrick Mahomes.”

When Anthony scored tickets to see the Eagles in the Super Bowl on Sunday, the elder Catalano knew it was time to pass along the heirloom batteries.

“Somewhere, up above — or, more realistically, down below — I know Pops is smiling on his grandson, hoping he smashes up pretty-boy Mahomes’ face real good,” said the proud father. “It’s time for me to let them go. I can’t put the heat on them like I used to; my accuracy is gone. Anthony was a hell of a pitcher in Little League. I know he’ll do some damage with the Catalano D-size ‘Mini Missiles.’”

Some, however, including self-proclaimed “Chiefs mega-fan” who only really started following the team in 2020, Shannon Connelley, aren’t thrilled by the Catalano tradition.

“I’d like to think those battery throwin’ tool bags are in the minority, but we all know that every mouth-breathing Philly sports fan is a greased-pole climbing, drunken hooligan. Hell, their team hasn’t even beaten anyone good yet, besides all those good teams with winning records they demolished,” said Connelley. “These no-BBQ cooking schmucks threw snowballs at Santa Claus. If I saw them disrespecting Santa in person, I’d glare at them from a safe distance so hard.”

At press time, Anthony Catalano is allegedly drunk and shirtless on Bourbon Street, screaming, “Fuck the Cowboys.”