LEAWOOD, Kan. — Movie theater chain AMC rolled out a new tiered fee system allowing patrons to avoid seats behind cinephile boyfriends commenting on the movie to their girlfriends, relieved sources confirmed.
“We’re very excited about this new initiative. AMC wants to recognize the majority of guests that simply want to enjoy a film without constant comparisons to Christopher Nolan, Quentin Tarantino or Stanley Kubrick,” explained PR representative Chuck Svenson. “Commentary culture should take a backseat to the big screen. Our visitors want to enjoy needle-drops without hearing where else the song has been used, or understanding a stranger’s intimate autobiographical relationship to the song choice.”
“All AMC customers will have this option available upon purchase in our broad rollout, after a soft launch in New York and Los Angeles, where research we conducted in league with popular dating apps shows that ‘Filmsplaining’ is most widespread,” Svenson added.
Frustrated sources re-affirmed the relevance of AMC’s new program.
“It’s like every movie theater has a ‘movie bro’ just talking away these days. Last time I saw a movie there was one guy explaining the cultural relevance of the Nicole Kidman ad,” moviegoer Jess Gunders opined. “It’s not only the endless commentary, they are also so damn loud. I honestly suspect that sometimes they speak louder on purpose, almost hoping others will hear facts that they clearly just read from IMDB Trivia in the bathroom. If I hear one more dude talk about how superhero films are ruining cinema, I’m never leaving my couch again.”
Rory Valdoon, the founder of the Well Actually Initiative, an advocacy group for cinephile boyfriends was quick to criticize AMC for their decision.
“This is prejudice, plain and simple. This is our Rosa Parks bus moment and we’re not backing down,” Mr. Valdoon relayed from his D.C. office while checking local matinee showtimes. “Nobody is standing up for these guys. Since when is loudly predicting plot beats with mouths full of popcorn considered a crime? We are well within our right to guess an actor’s filmography in a rambling fashion, unpack abstract moments in real-time, and make constant comparisons to ‘Heat.’”
In addition to offering the new fee, AMC has announced a Deluxe VIP “Cinephile Boyfriend” Experience. The soundproof domed seating area comes equipped with a “My Hollywood Podcasting Station,” allowing men to share “hot takes” into an unplugged microphone.
The scenery is nice for the first hour or so, then you’re bored. You can’t even take a boredom nap because sleeping on the ground sucks. Camping is dead last by a mile.
Just imagining the mindset of someone who would enjoy getting a headstart on holiday capitalism makes us wanna lay down.
Really don’t see the appeal here. Yes, the cooler weather means you won’t bake in the stands, but you could just watch sports at home, and for that matter you could watch one of the millions of things better than sports instead, and while you’re watching that you can fall asleep which is inarguably the best part.
Do you like sitting on a bunch of horse food that pokes your skin while you get dragged around a farm? No, of course you don’t. You like sleeping in your bed.
You know apples, the food you never buy at the store anyway? What if we told you that you could drive way further than the supermarket, walk for miles outside picking them yourself, and pay way more for them? You would tell us to go screw and you would take a nap, right? We would for sure.
You’re all like “Pretty.” and they’re all like “You wanna buy some?” and you’re all like “No Thanks.” cause what are you going to do with a sunflower and aagh it’s just an awkward mess, just thinking about it makes me tired.
School is back, and not just for kids! Why not spend your free time taking a community college course, like film study, or a foreign language? Oh, right, because if you have time to do that, you have time to nap. Pass.
I mean what are you trying to prove, that you like fall? Are you afraid you’re going to say “I like fall” one day and some big fall-head is gonna call you out like “Show me three decorative wreaths you made out of pinecones and that weird corn you don’t eat!” Would you even want to hang out with someone like that anyway?
Whether you want to add a personal touch to your own wardrobe or make someone special a thoughtful gift, it’s going to cost you 6 hours where you could totally be sleeping.
This runs the risk of nulling you into a dullard and will probably just put you to sleep anyway.
You know how much your life improves if people on Instagram know you bought a new flannel shirt and believe you enjoy the outdoors? None at all. Sleep, on the other hand, has a number of mental and physical benefits.
Why not hit up your best local coffee shop and treat yourself to an afternoon pumpkin spice latte? Well, maybe because you already drink enough caffeine to kill a baby horse just to wake up every goddamn morning and 4 extra espresso shots will send you into a manic episode.
Have you ever been walking and said to yourself “Boy, I wish this made me feel like an idiot”? Of course not, no one has.
There’s a lot of squashes you can only get at farmers markets in the fall. Some are edible, and some are just decorative, and they don’t tell you which is which you’re just supposed to know. It’s gatekeeping, and it makes me sleepy.
They’re like regular donuts, but further away from your house and not as good. Why aren’t we sleeping again?
Hiking is a wonderful compromise you make with yourself when you feel guilty for not actually working out, but then you go to do it and it’s actually kind of hard. Why put yourself through that when there’s a perfect sunbeam right at pillow level right now?
Every band’s gotta start somewhere. Thrash bands don’t have a great track record with classic debuts. They’re usually cheaply made and the songwriting isn’t honed yet. (Except, of course, for Metallica. They nailed it on the first try and have been in steady decline since.) Naturally, Havok’s debut album is their weakest. It’s a promising effort, though, featuring some solid riffs and inspired playing. Additionally, Sanchez’s condescendingly indignant snarl is already fully formed. Same goes for his leave-me-the-fuck-alone alpha-libertarianism: (“Mess with me, I’ll mess you up / You’ve never seen a temper quite like this / Stay away from me right now / I got a pistol cocked and I’m pissed”) and his hatred of religion (“War with open arms / And open minds that fear / Freedom of religion / What is the final cost?”). Despite its flaws, “Burn” is still a more enjoyable listen than “Killing is My Business… and Business is Good!,” so there’s that.
Here, Havok experimented with groove and slower tempos, as well as some progressive songwriting. The result is a well-performed record of growing pains with multiple songs plodding along, saved only by longtime drummer Pete Webber’s slick playing (“Worse Than War”), or speeding up the song’s middle third to proper thrash tempo (“Chasing the Edge”). The other upsides are Terry Date’s superb mix and Sanchez once again denouncing religion. His libertarian (read: obliviousness) hits a new high this time with “Give Me Liberty… or Give Me Death,” which is exactly what you think it’s about. It ends with Sanchez reciting a quote about liberty from noted slaveholder Thomas Jefferson, which is like writing a song about racial harmony and then quoting David Duke.
Calling it “5” woulda been too on-the-nose, amirite? I guess it’s better than a cringe-pun. Anyhow, with most of the progressive stuff from “Conformicide” cut out like a burst appendix, think of Havok’s fifth album as a sleeker and somewhat experimental version of “Time is Up.” It’s got some of their finest riffing to date, and, thanks to Mark Lewis, it’s also their best-sounding album. Sanchez sounds as pissed off as he ever has, employing his libertarian spittle-snarl to attack misinformation, transhumanism, the war on drugs, and the military-industrial complex (again). No diatribe against religion this time, however. I guess you can beat a crucified horse only so many times before it gets boring. Overall, “V” is a top-notch thrash record and proves the genre is still essential, even if recent records by the Big Four suggest otherwise.
Written mostly by Sanchez while the band’s lineup was in flux, Havok’s sophomore LP is a serious upgrade from “Burn.” This is the first one with Webber, who proves instantly that he’s one of the best in metal. His fluid technicality is a joy to listen to. The band also replaced their original lead guitarist with Reece Scruggs. He deserves a raise just for his punk-as-hell name. Seems like those additions allowed Sanchez to expand and fine-tune his songwriting because the riffing is sharper and the choruses are stronger. This time around, Sanchez shits on religion in two different songs, but those aren’t career-best numbers. Yet, the album’s main theme seems to be that life is short. The cliché’s more banal than “follow your dreams,” yes, but Sanchez used it to focus his talents into a superb thrash record. Consider this Havok’s true debut.
Ignore the silly title, because this is Havok’s finest full-length. It’s their “…And Justice for All” (or “Rust in Peace,” if you prefer a lesser example). This is their only no-skips record, and has their catchiest riffing and best playing to date, with Webber’s drum arrangements being the most inventive in thrash. The interplay between all four members throughout is fantastic: they’re tighter than the grooves of your 180g vinyl of “Kill ’Em All” you bought years ago but never opened. Sanchez rises to the occasion with apoplectic vocals, railing against corrupt officials, mass media, and, that’s right, the military-industrial complex. His libertarianism goes Super Saiyan here, invoking “1984” and calling political correctness “a social disease.” He also berates religion in three (!) separate songs. That may seem like too many, but consider: anyone who calls God “a power-tripping maniac” is doing something right. “Conformicide” is a stunning achievement and the peak of 2010s thrash metal.
Then presidential candidate Bill Clinton famously appeared with his saxophone on the Arsenio Hall Show in 1992 to gain more votes among young people. Nothing excited the youth in the early ’90s like a saxophone. Most people also forget that the Ramones were Arsenio’s musical guest that night, and Clinton was tasked with playing the sax solo to “Do You Remember Rock n’ Roll Radio?” They were so impressed he toured with them during the rest of the primary season.
Hulk Hogan’s claims to have auditioned for Metallica after Cliff Burton died are complete bullshit, like everything that comes out of the Hulkster’s mouth. Hogan did actually leave the WWF and play with the Ramones for two years in the early ’90s. He was kicked out for not knowing the first thing about playing guitar, he was so upset that he formed Hulk Hogan & The Wrestling Boot Band to compete with the Ramones.
Jerry Only from the Misfits played with the Ramones for two months in 1995. However, he annoyed the band by constantly trying to sell them Misfits-branded merchandise. The Ramones decided to retire rather than risk any more of Only’s sales pitches. Because of this, Jerry finally went ahead with the Misfits reunion he had been threatening for years.
Many Ramones fans know that Joey Ramone suffered from an extreme bout of OCD. On April 8, 1997, Ramone got stuck counting steps backstage moments before he was to perform. In a pinch, Johnny Ramone noticed radio personality and Joey Ramone doppelganger Howard Stern in the audience. Stern was quickly given a set list and sent onstage to perform. To their credit, nobody in the crowd that night seemed to notice the switch had occurred Stern continued to fill in for Joey at least a dozen more times.
Noted baseball fan Johnny Ramone invited The New York Yankees’ Don Mattingly to play drums for the Ramones in 1987. Surprisingly enough, Mattingly knocked it out of the park. However, Ramones management forced him to decide between his baseball and rock n’ roll careers, and Mattingly ultimately chose to return to baseball for much more money than the Ramones could have paid him in his wildest dreams.
In 1991 Doug Funnie won tickets to see his favorite band, the Beets. Later that year, Doug’s older sister Judy entered a contest to see the Ramones, and against all odds she won her contest as well. Funnie arrived early and not only caught the band’s soundcheck, but she was also asked to provide vocal levels, as Ramones singer Joey Ramone was distracted by a dog outside that had a particularly fluffy tail. She ended up recording an unreleased EP with the band.
Nobody embodied ’70s and ’80s New Yorker rage quite like John McEnroe, which is why the Ramones enlisted his help to bring an edge to their sound for 1984’s “Too Tough to Die.” There’s no question that McEnroe ratcheted up the anger, though he was ejected from the studio for constantly arguing with the band over every single minuscule point.
Joan Jett played with the Ramones for six months during their early days at CBGBs. That said, both Jett and the Ramones were strung out of their minds at the time and had no idea what was going on. Neither Jett nor the surviving members of the Ramones remember her being in the band, despite the existence of dozens of photos from the time period.
Every Ramones fan knows that the Huntingtons at their best are easily as good as the Ramones at their worst. Hell, even the Ramones knew it. That’s why they hired the Huntingtons to put on some wigs and perform as the Ramones for most of 1995, so the real Ramones could take a load off and just sit down for a while.
Janet Jackson had always looked up to her brothers in the Jackson 5: Michael, Jackie, Marlon, Randy, and Tito Jackson. So when she heard about another band of brothers called the Ramones she was interested, to say the least. Jackson joined the Ramones for a single show in 1986, however she quit the band after finding out that the Ramones weren’t another family band, but rather a bunch of weirdos from Queens.
Kate Moss struck up a friendship with Dee Dee Ramone in the early ’90s through the New York drug scene. The two were fast friends based on their love of practical jokes, and in 1993 Moss used her waifish figure to disguise herself as Joey Ramone’s microphone stand. It wasn’t until the last song that Moss revealed herself, at which point the Ramones all had a hearty laugh about the hilarious prank that had been pulled, this led to her being a member of the band for three full years.
Johnny Ramone was a devoted fanatic of the New York Yankees, and in 1995 spotted in the audience the Yankees’ Assistant to the Travelling Secretary, George Costanza. Ramone pulled Costanza up on stage to sing “The Blitzkrieg Bop,” however Costanza seemed panicked by everyone in the crowd looking at him. They hadn’t even made it to the first chorus before Costanza screamed “George is getting upset!” and ran off stage.
Dolly Parton’s decades and decades of charitable work are both well-known and highly commendable. She was scheduled to perform at a benefit for New York musicians with severe head injuries. The Ramones were also slated to play the bill, and Parton actually joined them onstage to sing a few songs. It was later revealed that Dolly Parton believed the Ramones were victims of severe head injuries, due to their musical prowess, and considered the performance to be yet another in a long line of charitable gestures.
Despite the fact that by 1980 Harrison Ford was one of the biggest movie stars in the world, his movie career paled in comparison to his weed-dealing career. It still does, too. So the Ramones called up Ford to supply them with some swag-ass babbage while they recorded “End of the Century” in L.A. However, they didn’t have any money, so they let him record backing vocals on “Chinese Rock” and agreed to sign over royalties for the song to Ford as payment.
Jem from the Holograms gave a hard pitch to the Ramones as to why she should play backup guitar for them. The Ramones agreed to bring her on board, even though it seemed there were ulterior motives at play. Those motives would reveal themselves one Halloween show with the Misfits, as Jem touched her earring and a dozen holograms appeared and beat the shit out of the Glenn Danzig and Jerry Only. Little did they know they had roughed up the wrong Misfits.
Ramones management purchased a speak & spell in the hopes of getting the band to write songs that were more in-depth than simply stating what they do and don’t wanna do. Unfortunately learning new vocabulary got Dee Dee all worked up, and he left the Ramones to begin exploring the English language through his rapper alter ego: Dee Dee King.
Like everyone in 1990, Joey Ramone fell head over heels for Twin Peaks, Washington’s own Audrey Horne. Joey tried everything to win her affection, including letting her record backing vocals for a song he was working on at the time. Eventually Audrey confessed that she was in love with an F.B.I. agent that was in town investigating a murder, thus breaking the heart of not only Joey Ramone, but also the heart of an entire nation that couldn’t stop thinking about her.
Before we get to our lowest listed release, of which every piece ranking albums has to include at least one with or without a tie for the bottom, it must be said on record that Chris Carrabba is a badass for pulling a T-Swift by re-recording the majority of his albums and re-releasing them on another label. While this particular LP isn’t one of those, it still carries some weight, just not as much as the next lucky seven. Released as a joint venture with major label with some indie cred Fueled By Ramen Records, and poutine supplier Dine Alone Records, current home to the like-minded City & Colour and the non-like-minded Juvenile, “Crooked Shadows” is pop as hell, and catchy as heaven, just not as solid front-to-back as the other ones. Open your eyes, hearts, and wallets, put on boxing gloves, tune your violins, and catch yourself.
Dashboard Confessional is quite fluent in making ambitious/potentially maligned LPs, and returning to glorious form just one album later. Released just one year after their extremely polarizing/underrated and expensive album “Dusk and Summer,” “The Shade of Poison Trees” rocks as hard as acoustics can, and has the distinction of being DC’s most emo-tinged/tears-of-pain-angst-and-sadness LP title; Carrabba lights his own thick as thieves fires. Like all the band’s releases, this album is good, but would’ve been better with two less songs.
“All the Truth That I Can Tell,” the most recent LP from Dashboard Confessional, is so hot off the presses that it still doesn’t have its own Wikipedia page, despite the fact that it was released last year, and it’s also the second of two “return-to-form” “back to basics” DC studio albums. The band normally puts the “heart” in “heartfelt,” and truly earns that description, as is it Carrabba’s first album after his almost-fatal motorcycle accident left him more than wounded and forced him to relearn how to play the guitar (and how to kickflip), which was extra heartbreaking to hear about as it was a major staple for most of his life. Happily things improved for all things Carrabba, as three chords and more cleared his pain, and thus this album justifiably put the “ABBA” at the end of his name via its strong songs. Overall, this album is DC’s best from 2010-on.
“Dusk and Summer” is likely the first studio album from the entity known as Dashboard Confessional to be polarizing amongst the band’s rabid fanbase. Yes, everything after the debut LP “The Swiss Army Romance” sucks a chunk of butt, and the band slowly decayed as a result of their next seven LPs; actually, no, that is not true, and you are a stupidhead if your opinion showcases such. Anyway, produced for the majority by Don Gilmore who sat behind the boards for Linkin Park and Trust Company, and with additional production by Daniel Lanois who also handled bands like U2 and Luscious Jackson, “Dusk and Summer” sounds like it had a Nobu budget in the best way to us and the worst way to you. Whatever, the secret’s in the telling. Also, Peter Parker would’ve been a much bigger bitch if “Vindicated” never came out, so you’re welcome, Tobey Maguire.
This ranking may provide both a mark and a scar, but hands down, it’s our brand to provide honest honesty, which includes truth in the face of adversity. “A Mark, a Mission, a Brand, a Scar” is the band’s second most dreaded genre description album title of which fans of Rites of Spring will critique the utilization of the three-letter-word that looks slightly like an animal ending with the letter you “u” that not-so-kindly goes before the word “tion.” While the previous release is the first to highlight a backing band, this is the one wherein the three other non-Carrabba band mates appear for the first time/shine so beautifully, early morning 3 a.m. Rob Thomas-endorsed calls from them wouldn’t offend anyone with standards.
Hot take: This is the last DC album listed to have a “skip it” component. Hotter take: “Alter the Ending” is the most slept-on LP in Dashboard’s catalog, and we’re letting you know that from the beginning of this section like responsible adults. Also, “Get Me Right,” our favorite song from this studio album, is the band’s best opening track even now! “Alter the ending” is DC’s last major album until “Crooked Shadows,” and sounds like such in the best way, as its production may also be the best in the band’s catalog. Many will try to flip flop the ranking of this album with the previous one above, or besmirch this entire piece altogether, but we know we’re right, especially about this LP, and hopefully it’s bridges under the water moving forward.
Don’t cut us with any form of a boxcutter, swiss army knife, or the like, but especially not a butcher/cleaver knife, or anything that was ever held by Aussie legend, Crocodile Dundee: Dashboard Confessional’s debut “The Swiss Army Romance” is pure nostaligia hooked directly into your veins. This LP literally started it all, and was released via Fiddler Records in early 2000, also originally home to both Recover and The Higher, and then sold to aughts pop-punk godfather Drive-Thru Records, originally home to both New Found Glory, who made a split cover EP with DC called “Swiss Army Bro-Mance,” and hellogoodbye, who combined two words of a Beatles hit into one magical band name sans shirts and gloves.
This perfect LP is a grower, not a shower: Dashboard Confessional’s sophomore studio album “The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most” debuted at number one-hundred-and-eight on the Billboard 200, and eventually, in a more than well deserved manner, was certified Gold in the United States. Also, as a cool footnote, MTV2 had its own award at the MTV VMAs called, wait for it, the MTV2 Award, and Dashboard won such in 2002 for their “Screaming Infidelities” music video, and said category only had six years of winners which included the mellower than DC acoustic seventeen-piece Mudvayne and the Motown singers with a heart of gold known as Yellowcard. Carrabba was more than noticed globally for these ten-tracks, and to wrap this sentence up without hyperbole, the scene world was never the same since. For better or worse?