You rebel, you. Doing your thing in the sun. Blithely walking through life undisturbed. Tossing your hair without care. Sounds like you’re having a “brat summer,” as you should be. Still, one can’t help but wonder where the line is between embodying the pure essence of “brat,” or accidentally showing red flags of narcissistic behavior. Sure, personality disorders run in your family, but you’re different! You’re unique! You’re a cut above the rest. Here are several Charli XCX lyrics from her 2024 album (titled, you guessed it, ‘Brat’) to see which response is aligned with your untroubled sunny days:
Yeah, I heard you talk about me, that’s the word on the street /
You’re obsessin’, just confess it, put your hands up
(from “Von Dutch”)
A. You act naturally and have a healthy awareness of your attraction while at the beach, choosing fits that make you feel the most confident.
B. You know that everyone is obsessed with your body and face-card, which is why you AirDrop your nudes and unwelcomely hit on a tanning couple. When they ask you to leave, you claim to have been there first and plant your umbrella in the ground, making loud videos about how rude others can be on the beach.
When you’re in the mirror, do you like what you see? /
When you’re in the mirror, you’re just looking at me
(from “360”)
A. You only invite out the people you want to see, and that’s OK because life is too short. You get tipsy, but not enough to lose control, just enough to have fun.
B. You are often black-out drunk, and alone. If anyone ever goes out partying with you, you seek revenge by making AI porn with their likeness and send it to their family members.
Who the fuck are you? I’m a brat when I’m bumpin’ that
Now I wanna hear my track, are you bumpin’ that??
(from “365”)
A. You make custom clothes (without any self-consciousness) for your nights out, re-utilizing thrift finds or stitching your own fits together. People love your bold, eye-catching style, a sartorial compliment to any social outing.
B. The only way you can get people to like you is to talk about new music, so you hog the aux cord and force everyone to listen to critic-approved avant-garde pop, name-dropping bands you’ve been backstage with, while party guests actively avoid you.
You say she’s problematic and the way you say it, so fanatic
Think she already knows that you’re obsessed
(from “Mean Girls”)
A. You embark on a spur-the-moment road trip to a famous historic dive bar and remote abandoned theme park with your best friend, followed by a morning spent wandering the coast without telling anyone your whereabouts. You try to live in the present without worrying about the future too much.
B. You borrow your roommate’s car to take a self-care cross country vacation, blaming the theft on “immigrants” and then counter-suing for emotional distress. When you get back, you lie about running in social circles with Glenn Beck when you really meant to say Glen Powell.
I followed you to the bathroom /
But then I felt crazy /
I’m feeling like I’m on fire /
‘Cause we’ve been keeping this a sеcret
(from “Talk Talk”)
A. You go to the bathroom for a discreet vape or bump with beloved friends before dancing the night away with hot strangers. You have a summer fling but end it because setting boundaries and firmly saying “no” has never been a problem for you.
B. A girl is making advances on a guy you’re interested in, so you squirt Visine into her glass and loudly make fun of her when she becomes violently ill. Lie to the staff and deny despite surveillance footage, only to turn the evening’s trauma into a viral front-facing TikTok about the “horrors” you experienced.
‘Cause I’ve been looking at you so long /
Now I only see me
(from “Apple”)
A. You politely decline to bring your friend to the airport since it conflicts with a hot date.
B. You delete a friend’s number for ever asking such a cheugy question, unless they were a status symbol acquaintance that can elevate the clubbing of your “brat girl summer.” Alt answer: maybe, but if they pay you in cigarettes. French brands only.
If you answered A to these questions then good news, you are a well adjusted human. If you answered B then you need to seek help immediately.
Nothing brought Aunt Beru more satisfaction than sucking down a nicotine tube with one hand while pleasuring Uncle Owen with her other. Her search history is all smoking-related porn and cigarette erotica. Of course this led to tragic consequences (often blamed on Imperial stormtroopers), but real ones know what was going on with Aunt Beru. If you look closely at the charred ruins, there’s clearly a carton of Parliaments.
That’s no moon. That’s Boss Nass’s butthole. The word “ass” is in his name, after all. Nothing too unique or out of the ordinary here, it’s just that Boss Nass has the most leg-shattering orgasms with a bit of assplay. You know how floppy and loose his jowls are when speaking? As above, so below. He puts on a big show as the leader of the Gungans, but firm anal punishment will have Boss Nass wriggling with pleasure in no time. For most employees that want to resign, fingerbanging Boss Nass’s sloppy bootyhole bussy until he squeezes your knuckle off is the only way out of that underwater kingdom.
Want that whip? Want to be gagged? Need the full zipper leather gimp suit? Darth Vader has you covered with his closet of delights. What a sassy queen, vamping it up for his own staff. Get ready for tight, fine leather, used only once per “session,” as Lord Vader calls it. Beneath that chest plate are nipple rings, plus Death Star-themed clamps to excite the Lord while you toggle the whip handle base, inserted into him like that famous Robert Mapplethorpe photograph.
This one should be fairly obvious. Chewbacca even has his own fur suit, which makes him incredibly sweaty when he dons his ultraviolet fox costume. Let this Wookie run his hirsute fingers down the nape of your neck, circle various orifices, bring you to absolute wonder. Plus you can watch furry content together while cuddling in his matted, gruff chest.
R2 loves watching, in the corner, quietly beeping away. Plus, he has amazing filming capabilities. Sexy surveillance. You can sleep with R2’s wife, and he will send you the footage to be projected in miniature, anytime you want. For an android, R2-D2 is particularly non-possessive. He encourages his partner to explore their sexual freedom, only if he can delight in the stories later and store them into his personal perverted memory bank.
Lando will text you about meeting up with a waterfall of flirty emojis, only to cancel at the last minute and try to reschedule. Meanwhile he’s stroking himself, knowing how upset you are by his erotic disloyalty. He’s snitched on friends, reported folks for parking illegally, and has “situationships” all across the universe (several in Cloud City itself), all for a deeply held betrayal kink. Just ask him about Han, or don’t – Lando will instantly get off just thinking about it.
Before wandering around spouting out “I have spoken,” Kuiil was known for flashing and exhibitionism. He’s banned from most public pools. A preference for nude beaches or colonies is fine, but walking about open-air markets of Tatooine without pants (Kuiil’s former favorite pastime) might not work for everyone else. This is often why he’s alone, suntanning his asshole in blissful solitude and letting it all hang out on the warm desert rocks.
Let’s just say it: this Space Slug will glug. He’s a giver, not a taker. He’s want you as a starfish, affixed to the mattress. While an oral fixation may be welcome, occupational hazards arise when considering size disparities. It’s a risk when the entire mouth risks possible swallowing a partner whole, but the “X” in Exogorth is there for a reason – this worm gives infamously 100% solid sloppy toppy mouth action. He might be busy defending his moon craters, but he’s never too busy for third base. In fact, he lives there.
The trauma of learning that your father was trying to kill you may fuse the brain circuitry in certain impressionable minds. Now, he seeks out ‘zaddy’ figures to dominate and pound his vulnerable, supple body. Sure, Luke has seen a double sunset, but he’ll be experiencing double penetration after finally jumping on Scruff. The only thing Luke has a “bad feeling about” is the prospect of not meeting hot horny single silver foxes in his area.
This arms dealer and smuggler, constantly muttering while expertly piloting, is secretly one of the most sexual deviants among the Rebel forces. He loves pain: on himself, on others, implied in the world, any amount of unpleasantness leaves Nien Nunb’s nutsack empty. Behind that vest? A ball-gag for all occasions, handcuffs ready to go. Get ready for punishment from Nien Nunb, and being late only makes it worse. Nien Nunb is your master now.
You nasty, Sebulba. How far those arms reach? Enough for two reacharounds in separate bedrooms, plus keeping those feet busy pleasuring folks on the couch. Everyone’s favorite sex party guest. When not podracing, Sebulba be fucking. Entire families, at once. It’s a common fact that in most Gen-Z friend groups, Sebulba has had sex with at least two people.
Nute Gunray is a stunner in leggings. Get him in some fine lacy lingerie, and you have one hot Neimoidian on your hands. Once you get him out of that giant hat and into something more “comfortable,” Nute’s personality shines. He’s a tender lover, with a preference for gentle caressing under, over and in-between the lace. Something has to take his mind off the Trade Federation!
Who’s that secretly snapping photos from afar? Using his binoculars to spy on tanned Tattooine tootsies? Why it’s Darth Maul, of course, climbing every height to get a better view of lady feet. His OnlyFans subscription list is all foot content, which he scrolls in between defending the empire. If you like the patterns on his face, wait until you see how beautiful his feet are – it’s like an erotic rorschach test.
Before blowing up in the Death Star, Grand Moff Tarkin observed Lord Vader choke plenty of colleagues from afar, watching while rock hard. As such, he loves watching the act of gagging. He especially loves fingers shoved down his throat, feeling the acidic bile creep up before planting a wet kiss on his lover’s body. The sound of gagging alone will force Moff into a need to find a nearby unoccupied bathroom stall for release.
Ears are often cited as one of the most erogenous zones. Before you nibble or gently breathe your warm galactic breath in Lobot’s ears, you must remove his headset, no easy feat. It’s like removing a chastity belt. Caress the indents left in Lobot’s skull and go to town on his often-protected, rarely-seen ears; he will finish in his pants from ear play alone.
Often an afterthought in the ‘Star Wars’ series, Wedge knows his place and likes it. In fact, he loves it. In all seriousness, he gets off on it. Call him a worthless piece of shit. He may be one of the most talented pilots, miraculously surviving cheek by jowl beside protagonists and legacy characters, but he prefers to remain in the shadows and experience merciless mockery. Don’t feel bad, he can only get it up with such afterthought consideration. Somewhere a well-paid dominatrix is slapping him right now, telling him that he’s trash. He’s over the moon with joy.
Ephant Mon wants you to straddle that husk of a mug, from his gaping maw to his beady eyes. Ride and grind that nose while giggling away, someone has to keep the mercenary company. Once it’s his turn to sit on your face, make sure you have a Morse code-style password to bang on the floor so he doesn’t suffocate you. And yes, he will want to be cuddled after, but as the “little spoon” so good luck figuring that one out.
Let your flesh sizzle and your nipples zing as Palpatine charges bolts of delicious electricity through your mammal husk. “We’re made of electricity, after all. Stardust and electricity,” Palpatine spouts and waxes poetic at bars (the same line he uses on everyone) only to bring home tipsy strangers and throw lightning bolts at them. Between the seatless electric chair and cattle prods, Palpatine has an entire closet for an evening sure to leave you with Lichtenberg scars.
Scents, sniffs, smells, pungent aromas, sweats – it all gets Tessek stirring. Tessek whinnies in delight anytime he enters an olfactory-tingling atmosphere, turned on by the stank of alien movement. Lift your armpits and let his appendages (each with the ability to sniff) crawl around your body. Because of this turn-on, Tessek also doesn’t shower, staying constantly aroused but often solitary due to the off-putting stench.
Wicket is notoriously down for age play. He loves to prostrate himself upon a log like a naughty Ewok schoolboy, waiting for the big bad Ewok cougar teacher to give him a lesson. It goes deep, too. Wicket proudly wears a diaper around the Ewok colony, cradling his milk bottle and claiming to be “everyone’s favorite sexy baby of the woods.” The only reason Wicket was enthusiastic about C-3PO was because he was looking for a new zaddy. Wicket’s dating apps reveal that he is looking to be “punished” by an Ewok DILF or MILF. Wicket doesn’t discriminate.
For such a gross-looking rat creature, Salacious Crumb is a total prude. He will exclusively sleep with virgins, yielding his bedroom antics to limited nights – very few are taking his offer up to “show how lovemakin’ works.” Any roleplay with him involves virginity, too. Beggars can’t be choosers, ya nerf-herder. Also you’re in Jabba’s Palace, you think anyone there is a virgin?
All those years wielding a lightsaber has birthed an attraction to hot metal. As such, Mace is obsessed with having piping hot metal pressed against his body while blindfolded. Preference is for fast temperature switches, such as an ice-pack immediately applied. Even looking at a thermostat will tighten that Mace Windu bulge, leading to awkward bending and crossed legs at Jedi High Council meetings.
Sometimes, even an Admiral needs to hear that they’re a “good boy.” Admiral Akbar prefers “soft BDSM,” with positive reinforcing language. With a highly stressful job and poor familial support network, his sexual release in the bedroom is doubled when he’s told that he’s just doing a good job. Be careful with insincere compliments, though, otherwise you’ll hear, “It’s a trap!”
This is the ultimate conundrum: IG-88 loves seeing sexual partners surrounded by water, but is unable to be surrounded by water himself. He’s an android, afterall. What is forbidden becomes desired. This is known as “sploshing,” attraction to immersion in wet substances. Unfortunately any exposure to moisture would make him junk, but that doesn’t stop his quiet perverted beeping by the seashore.
Being frozen in that carbonite changed Han. He loved the feeling of being pressed against cool slabs. Now, Han can remain solo in bed and climax without any other stimulus besides cold cubes rubbed around his chest. Ring a large whiskey glass square of frozen ice around Han Solo’s magnificent hair and tanned nipples. You’ll send Han into hyperdrive.