Newly Declared Audiophile Exclusively Listens To Vinyl Since Ex Took Him Off Spotify Premium Plan

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Local deadbeat Griffin Carson adopted the stance of vinyl-only “audiophile” coinciding with his ex-girlfriend’s understandable decision to remove him from her Spotify Premium plan, sources confirmed while agreeing “good for her.”

“Actually, I don’t miss the endless library of easily-accessible music always at my fingertips at all. I actually despised how simple it was to make shareable playlists. Who even needs that?” gasped a frazzled Carson, as he put on the bravest face we’ve ever seen. “I far prefer the scratchiness and limited scope of my record collection, which I’m proud to say now numbers in the multiple dozens! Plus, I’m getting in shape by upping my step count from walking over and flipping the sides. Yup, doing pretty well if you ask me.”

Spotify user and Carson’s ex-girlfriend, Priscilla Ruggles, defended her decision to move on.

“Oh, I definitely would have let him stay on the plan if he’d have just split the monthly fee with me. I don’t wish him any ill-will, but I can’t just let him ride my coattails. I just wish he’d stop acting like he cares about sound quality and artist’s residuals and shit like that,” said a calm Ruggles, who is clearly feeling better than she has in a long time. “But Griffin was always pretty performative, and if there’s one place he loved being, it was up on his high horse. Hey, more power to him. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a weekly curated mix that I can listen to while walking around outside to enjoy.”

Spotify CEO Daniel Ek is fearful that the recurring “jettisoned-ex” situation is ruining his company.

“Man, this scourge of lowlife ex-boyfriends is really making a dent in our financials, year after year. For every split-up couple that keeps their account, there are nine that say ‘to hell with him and to hell with the music and podcasts he liked.’ It’s a pretty harrowing state of affairs,” said Ek, while kicking a street musician as if by instinct. “Hell, I might even have to resort to making a new ‘Ek’s exes’ membership plan for losers whose ex-partners have wised up and removed them in an effort to forge a new life path just so we can keep a few of these ding-dongs paying for our services. Wish us luck. If it’s anyone that has it hard in this industry, it’s we Spotify CEOs.”

At press time, Carson had been reduced to pretending that he only cared to listen to ambient sound and birdsong, as Ruggles remembered his turntable and most of his records were hers, too.

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week Between Moo Deng Livestreams

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

While we may have tormented you all with Ska Week for several days straight, we at The Hard Times know what the people want, and that’s music other than ska. Here’s what we’ve been listening to when we aren’t watching that fucking adorable baby hippo bite people all day.

The Cure “Alone”

It may shock you to learn that The Hard Times staff and contributor pool contains a lot of dudes in their 40s. Based on this revelation, however, it should absolutely not surprise you that we’ve had The Cure’s first single since 2008 on repeat. “Alone,” a nearly 7-minute track, is instrumentally lush, vocally heart-wrenching, and devastatingly moody, so pretty much pitch perfect for any fan who feels like they’re watching the world burn before their very eyes.

CANDY “Football”

On the complete other end of the musical spectrum, we’ve been blasting this 58-second absolute skullcrusher by hardcore genre-pushers CANDY. “Football” is less than a minute of utter fucking brutal chaos, and yet doesn’t fall into the trappings of many other grind-adjacent groups. This track manages to address so many different sonic ideas in such a short time period that we are considering asking the band how they retain such maximal efficiency while melting our faces off.

The Voidz “Square Wave”

The Voidz, fronted by Julian Casablancas, recently released a full-length album titled “Like All Before You.” Our pick from that tracklist is “Square Wave,” a jangly, lowkey indie groove with some delightfully odd vocal effects that kind of make us wish Julian had been on more Daft Punk songs. Play this one during your 2014 tumblr themed Halloween party.

Helvetets Port “Black Knight”

Swedish metal band Helvetets Port appear to have actually created a time machine to transport themselves to 1986, because man, “Black Knight” is so precisely of the era that we genuinely thought we were listening to our dad’s tapes for a second there. If you’ve missed the feeling of listening to some good ol’ traditional metal while drinking a beer on a folding chair in your garage, we’ve got the guys for you.

Special Interest “Nothing Grows Here”

Special Interest hails from the New Orleans DIY scene, and they are always making some genre-blending exciting shit. “Nothing Grows Here” is a techno-punk rager that is somehow both at home in a deleted scene from a Blade movie and in the playlist that your coolest friend updates literally every day. Catch them on tour if you want to experience the midpoint between Machine Girl and Soul Glo, and then have your mind exploded.

The Armed “NEW! Christianity”

Detroit natives The Armed have been consistently cranking out new and confusing (non-derogatory) work since their debut nearly 15 years ago. “NEW! Christianity” combines dreamy vocals, gritty screams, double bass pedal, and sparkling synths in some sort of unholy (again, non-derogatory) fusion that is leaving us hitting play for the dozenth time to just get a grip on everything happening here. That’s a rare feat and boy, we are hooked.

We know you’re not about to spend a whole day by yourself without the constant distraction of music, so be sure to save the playlist on Spotify and keep any thoughts from your head for over 13 hours.

And if you want to avoid another Ska Week, sign up for our Patreon to vote for the next victim.

Score: This Woman Just Met Her Weekly Number of Recommended Drinks in One Night

Posted on by Dom Turek

Meet Lisa Bergeron, when her primary care physician told her the weekly recommended number of drinks for a woman her size was between five and seven beverages, she knew could more than double those numbers in a single bottomless mimosa brunch sitting.

Not usually one to go above and beyond the call of duty in terms of school, work, or diet she consistently supersedes expectations when it comes to her drinking habits. If she’s not drinking enough frozen margaritas to ride a mechanical bull despite a recent concussion from her last disastrous night on the town, she’s not living up to her full potential and has resigned herself to a shadow life.

Doctors are quick to tell you the risks of consuming too much alcohol, but only really good doctors tell you the risks of not consuming enough alcohol. Would you rather have a failing liver or a failing social life? Decreased brain activity or decreased invitations to parties? A low sperm count or a low number of friends? I think the answers to these questions are pretty obvious.

Don’t get me wrong. Drinking the average number of drinks per week is fine as long as you’re fine with being average, just as studying an average amount of time is okay if you’re okay with being of average intelligence, but some people aren’t satisfied with mediocrity.

Contrary to popular opinion, moderation isn’t always key. If a doctor recommended that you exercise two times a week and he found out you were secretly exercising four times a week, he would be proud. Let’s take that a step further. If he found out you exercised every single day and even started neglecting your friends, family members, and hobbies to devote your life entirely to exercise, he would be ecstatic and probably induct you into some kind of health hall of fame. Why shouldn’t the same rules apply to drinking?

These same people who preach moderation and can’t mind their own business always express the importance of hydration whenever the subject of binge drinking enters the conversation, but Lisa gets more than enough water at that crucial point in the night when the concerned bartender secretly starts feeding her shots of water instead Don Julio Blanco.

Photo by Alice Phillips.

Man Wishes He Was Dumb Enough to Be Happy All the Time

Posted on by Ben Friedman

MINNEAPOLIS — Local highly-observant man Gavin Wells recently started to sincerely wish he was dumb enough to experience genuine happiness, multiple friends confirmed.

“Every day I’m having anxiety attacks from the endless stream of news about mass shootings, Moms For Liberty, and old high school acquaintances trying to trick me into crypto schemes. But I had an epiphany while I was doom scrolling: were I just 10 or 15 IQ points dumber, I might lack the media literacy and common sense to know everything’s fucked,” said Wells. “I’d be so much happier if I liked Top 40 radio and commented on pictures of Instagram models like I had a chance with them. Would it have killed my mom to smoke or drink for a few weeks while I was in utero?”

While most of Wells’ friends encouraged him to not be so hard on himself, others suggested he put the world’s problems out of his mind.

“Gav’s issue is that he needs to just flat out ignore negativity at all costs. The other day he was telling me about how stressed he was over Putin plotting to take over Ukraine, and I was like wait, the guy who’s friends with Steven Segal? Being out of the loop kicks ass, I’m out here living my best life,” said Allen Pierson. “I think all that college learning he did rewired his brain to think too critically. I literally just look at Minions memes all day, those little dudes are hysterical. And if you need someone to quote Ace Ventura with, I’m your guy.”

Researchers who’ve spent decades studying the correlation between intelligence and mood noted the data all pointed to one conclusion.

“There already existed anecdotal evidence that people with lower intelligence were generally happier, and they were referred to as ‘village idiots.’ Today though, willful stupidity is running rampant,” said cultural anthropologist Bryce Townsend. “I mean we’d all love to exist in a frame of mind thinking trickle-down economics works and Vin Diesel is a good actor, but this is the same thinking pattern of people who aren’t alarmed when it’s 70 degrees in January. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous of them, because collecting data on the downfall of society is depressing as hell.”

Wells was reportedly in better spirits after finding that he could replicate the feeling of perpetual blissful ignorance by listening to Theo Vonn podcasts while huffing paint.

How To Support Your Friend During Their Raw Denim Phase

Posted on by Carson Kile

You knew this was going to happen. You saw the signs, you were aware of the risks. You found the “sea salt” scented body washes, you watched them linger in the brimmed hat section of the department store, you witnessed the switch from Camels to American Spirits. And now, as you listen to them talk about how they wore their jeans in a hot bath to have them “form to their legs,” your greatest fears have been realized. Your friend is in their “raw denim” phase.

The best thing to do in this situation is not to panic, or try to “fix” them. Now more than ever, your friend needs your help. As someone who has seen a few friends lose their footing and slide into the deep end of the un-sanforized abyss, here are a few tips to support your friend during their raw denim phase.

1. Constantly reassure them their jeans look good.

Within a month of wearing stinky, dirty jeans, your friend will inevitably come up to you and point out barely visible creases in inconspicuous places on their legs: behind the knees, the crotch, the back pocket where they’ve shoved an unopened Copenhagen tin. At this point, make sure to use affirming language, like: “Yes, your ‘honeycombs’ ARE looking totally sweet,” and “Your ‘whiskers’ ARE the perfect size! No, no, the really big ones scare me, promise!”

2. Take the odor situation into your own hands.

Your friend will surely be wearing the jeans every day while refusing to wash them, and pretty soon there will be a sweaty, pungent elephant in the room that will become impossible to ignore. Your friend has become absolutely nose-blind to this powerful musk, so the best thing to do is wait until they’ve fallen asleep whacking off to “Fade of the Day” forums all night and spraying Lysol in the jeans yourself, and maybe even on your disgusting friend too, for good measure.

3. Create a routine.

Raw denim hobbyists can sometimes find it overwhelming to be a functioning member of society. I mean, these are the same types of people who cringe at the idea of having to wash your clothes. So, creating a routine can simplify life for them. Every morning, have them bust out 10 deep squats with the pants on, put on their bolo tie, and kiss the framed picture of James Dean on their wall before heading out. This removes any critical thinking from their daily life that could overheat their brain or cause them to second-guess their life choices.

Raw denim is a phenomenon that captures the hearts of millions of quarter-lifers every year who want to cosplay as a 1950s greaser, so just know that there are plenty of others who are empathetic to your situation. Remember, this little obsession will pale in comparison to their inevitable cowboy boot phase, so enjoy it while it lasts.

Modern Day Country Singer Visits Folsom Prison to Advocate for Harsher Sentencing

Posted on by Matt Husser

FOLSOM, Calif. — Country singer Carlson Swagger brought his cowboy bootlickin’ brand of lawful country music to Folsom Prison today where he performed only for law enforcement while advocating for harsher sentencing for the prisoners, sources confirmed.

“Ladies, gentlemen, and everyone except the criminal scum who deserve to rot behind bars, who’s ready for some law abidin’ tunes from the heartland? Johnny Cash once visited this very stage with his brand of outlaw country, but I’m here for something a little different: the red, the white, and to back the blue,” shouted Swagger, before breaking into his hit song “I Walk the Thin Blue Line.” “But before I get out of here, I wanna dedicate my next song to all the hardworking Americans busting their asses every day to raise the mandatory minimums for misdemeanor drug possession and keep our prisons full—you’re the real heroes. This one’s called ‘Do the Petty Crime, Serve the Max Time.’”

Clarence Daniels, a prisoner serving a life sentence at Folsom Prison, recalled how Swagger’s performance deviated from the legendary concert performed by Johnny Cash.

“When they canceled our time in the yard because this Swagger fella was coming through I had high hopes we’d enjoy another great show like Mr. Cash put on in ‘68, but I knew we were in for a long day when he started singing ‘I like my convicts like my KFC: extra crispy,’” said Daniels, recalling what he could hear through the cell walls. “I didn’t get to leave my cell all day, then the guards came back wearing concert t-shirts all singing some bullshit love song called ‘Sweet Little Miss Demeanor Ain’t Walkin’ the Streets No More.’”

Meanwhile, prison guard Stephen Capella proclaimed that he thoroughly enjoyed the show, and was still humming catchy lyrics like “I falsified the evidence, just to watch a criminal fry” hours later.

“You know it’s always ‘Fuck the Police’ with these musicians types, but nobody writes songs celebrating the vital role that prison guards play in society. Thankfully, Swagger really captured the pure joy you get from dragging a convict to solitary confinement with ‘Folsom Prison Screws,’” said Capella, admiring his autographed baton. “Not only that, he generously agreed to donate a percentage of his album sales to lobby for more prison beds for non-violent offenders in Sacramento County!”

At press time, the Texas Department of Criminal Justice had announced that Swagger would headline their next death row execution.

Showoff? This Guy is Washing Both His Hands After Using the Bathroom

Posted on by Dom Turek

Lately it seems the world is increasingly full of self-righteous dickheads dropping subtle hints as to how I should live my life. Whether it be my wife flossing next to me twice a day or my coworker who always covers his face when he sneezes, these virtue signalers are clearly only doing this to keep up appearances, as I can find no other logical explanation for this level of gloating.

The “look at me” culture has even spread to our public bathrooms. Though it may seem like an innocuous place, look closely and the Regal Cinemas men’s room is full of showboating.

During one of my last visits, I had just finished taking a two-flush dump when the man at the sink next to me washed his hands so vigorously that I ended up with some of his suds on me. I wanted to say, “Chill out man, there are no ladies to impress here,” that is unless this theater has become one of those gender-fluid bathrooms where anyone is free to come in and shame me for having a little pee on my hands, and a lot of pee on my jeans.

Call me old-fashioned, but I cannot imagine a situation just short of gutting a fish that would require me to wash both hands. Even after pounding a family-sized bag of Doritos half-asleep in the middle of the night, or dealing with the lavatory aftermath of Elk Tavern’s spicy wing night, I’ve only ever had to wash one hand. Similar to the justice system, why would I send both hands to jail when only one is guilty of a crime?

Just when I thought this guy at Regal couldn’t be more of a braggart, I saw steam rising from the sink like a pot of Sunday soup. Hot water and soap? You’d think this man was prepping for the most important surgery of his medical career but no, he’s just prepping to dive into some Sno-caps and a medium-sized popcorn. At this point, he might as well strip down naked and ask me to give him a sponge bath.

To my disbelief, he finished his performance with a trip to a hand dryer, a mechanism I’ve only ever used to dry my shoes after an impromptu rain storm. It says right on the sign that only employees have to wash their hands, but he couldn’t help himself from flexing on me. He’s no better than the other show-offs who obey yield signs and don’t smoke on airplanes.

Photo by Jesse Rhodes.

Polls Show J.D. Vance Performing Favorably Among Men Who Think the Bartender Is Flirting With Them

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — Ohio senator and vice presidential hopeful J.D. Vance is enjoying a high favorability rating from men who misconstrue the routine fulfillment of job duties by bartenders for flirting, according to a recent independent poll.

“J.D. Vance? Oh yeah, he’s great,” reported bar patron Robert Carruthers. “I love what he’s said about childless women wanting everyone to be miserable because they’re in fact miserable themselves. I actually mentioned that to the bartender a few minutes ago, hoping that she would understand how much more fulfilled she would be if she settled down and started a family with a nice guy like me. She glanced at me and asked if I needed another Miller Lite, so she’s definitely interested. She’ll have to get rid of that septum piercing, though. I’ll have to make that her first wifely duty.”

Vance himself was overjoyed to hear of his popularity amongst this subpopulation.

“This is yet another victory in the fantastic run we’ve been having towards making me the next vice president,” the senator said. “While I don’t support women in the workplace I do know it’s common knowledge that a bartender smiling at you and asking what you want to drink is a clear sign that she’s got the hots for you romantically, and if she makes polite small-talk with you about the weather, you might as well marry her on the spot and turn her into an honest woman. I’m not at all surprised that the men in this country who are smart enough to understand this also know that I’m much better suited for the job than Tim Walz. Obviously, we’ve all seen that he has absolutely zero political draw compared to me.”

Political strategist Isabel Rivera was confused about Vance’s takeaway from these findings.

“This shouldn’t even need to be said, but having an avid following of socially backward rejects who view women as babymaking machines is not a recommended campaign strategy,” Rivera remarked. “Given comments that Vance has both made and doubled-down on, I’m not surprised, but at some point he’s going to have to use rhetoric that’s at least slightly less repugnant and pathetic if he wants to expand his appeal. He can’t ride the coattails of the literal cult his running mate started forever.”

At press time, the Vance campaign was celebrating a new poll showing his favorability among grown men who become incensed at the nationalities of characters in children’s movies.

“Did Edward Scissorhands Perform His Own Circumcision?” and Other Questions We Were Planning To Ask Tim Burton Before He Walked out of Our Interview

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Here at the Hard Times, it’s not like we get to interview a film visionary very often. We’re just a small-time punk news website, so when the opportunity to sit down with legendary director Tim Burton came along, we just had to pounce. After all, the guy is seen as an absolute pioneer in modern goth culture. This was the most promising moment of our careers, and we’re big enough to admit that we completely fucked the dog on this one.

Like, we royally blew it, to the point where we got a half hour into the interview before realizing we had even forgotten to record it. It’s not pretty, but here’s what we were able to salvage:

Tim Burton: “— directed or produced over 20 films AND I’ve just received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, yet the entirety of this interview has been focused solely on the anatomy of one of my characters from a movie that came out 34 years ago. Did you even watch it? How, and if, he performed certain bodily functions isn’t the fucking point.”

The Hard Times: “We’re sorry, Mr. Burton, and we promise we’ve seen MOST of the movie. Granted it was decades ago, on TBS, but we’re pretty sure we got the gist of it. We’ve just been plagued with these questions ever since, and —”

TB: “‘Beetlejuice Beetlejuice’ just came out in theaters. It’s the sequel to arguably my biggest work, and it’s been hotly anticipated by millions for over 30 years. I’m currently on a press tour for it, which is the reason I agreed to this interview in the first place. Were you going to ask me about it?”

HT: “Oh shit, you directed ‘Beetlejuice?’”

TB: “Jesus Christ.”

HT: “Wow, that’s really interesting. Now that we know this, we actually have some questions about the mating habits of those big sandworms. How would they —”

TB: “Forget it, I’m done with this interview.”

At that point, he just stood up and walked out of our offices, which kind of left us hanging considering how much we still wanted to ask him. Here’s a (by no means exhaustive) list of the outstanding questions we had:

– Was Edward Scissorhands circumcised? If so, did he perform the procedure himself? He seemed pretty capable with those scissors, and we sincerely doubt he had health insurance, so it would’ve been a total money-saver.

– How was Edward Scissorhands able to safely hold his penis while urinating?

– Was masturbation just completely off the table for Edward Scissorhands, or had Vincent Price’s character constructed some sort of device for him?

– Testicular self-exams are important, yet the thought of Edward Scissorhands conducting one is a fucking nightmare. Why was this dilemma not explored in the film?

Oh well, we’re going to look on the bright side here and take this as a learning experience. At least we know now that the questions we have planned for our upcoming interview with David Cronenberg need A LOT of rework.

Green Day Reveals “American Idiot” More Specifically About Time Tré Cool Ate Big Plate of Lasagna and Didn’t Wait 30 Minutes Before Going in Pool

Posted on by Bobby Korec

RODEO, Calif — Bay Area punk band Green Day revealed that their 2004 release “American Idiot” was more specifically a concept album about the time drummer Tré Cool ate a large serving of lasagna and didn’t wait at least 30 minutes before going in the pool, confirmed sources who had a hunch that’s what it meant.

“As you may already know, all of our albums have themes to them,” said singer Billie Joe Armstrong. “‘Dookie’ is about stepping in dog crap as soon as you walk outside and how that ruins your day, ‘Warning’ is about us knowing the exact events of September 11th a year before it actually happened and alerting everyone about it through song, and ‘American Idiot’ is about the time Tré had a lethal combination pasta, ricotta cheese, and Ragu sauce and immediately jumped into the pool upon completion. We’ve been calling him the American Idiot ever since that incident. In fact, ‘Nimrod’ was also about Tré doing the same thing. That man can’t get enough Italian food and water-based activities.”

Fans of the band were excited to finally understand what the record was all about.

“I always suspected ‘American Idiot’ had a deeper meaning, but I was just never 100% sure. Kind of just thought it was about masturbation, like much of their previous work,” said longtime fan Jason Abbigal. “The song ‘Wake Me Up When September Ends’ actually makes sense now, because pool parties generally cease at the end of that month. Either way, every time I listen to a new album I need to know precisely what it stands for, and now I can finally enjoy ‘American Idiot’ to its full extent.”

Music historian Grace Tennenbaum was well-aware that the content on these kinds of releases can surprisingly be quite mundane.

“Concept albums have always been highly specific in ways that are completely underwhelming when you find out,” said Tennenbaum. “For instance, Pink Floyd’s ‘The Wall’ is about applying drywall correctly. Coheed and Cambria’s ‘In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth: 3’ explores the mating rituals of gophers. And the Beach Boys’ ‘Pet Sounds’ is about plain old beastiality. It’s probably better if we didn’t know any of this.”

At press time, Green Day revealed that they were working on a new album about the time bassist Mike Dirnt had too much Chipotle and was in the bathroom for a good 45 minutes.