Lesbian Completes Seasonal Changing of the Guard by Swapping Out Flannels for Hawaiian Shirts

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

SARATOGA SPRINGS, N.Y. — Local lesbian Molly Roth recently completed the solemn task known in her community as the “changing of the guard” by putting her flannels in storage and taking out her Hawaiian shirts, sweaty sources report.

“It is every lesbian’s duty to perform the ritual come spring, or really, come whenever it’s 80 degrees and we can’t stand it anymore,” said Roth while saluting for some reason. “It’s a long and intensive process that takes a full day; I have to make sure everything is folded like the American flag before putting it into my storage bins, and then all my Hawaiian shirts have to get steamed to ensure they are properly wrinkle-free and crisp while hanging. It’s a tough job, but I respect my ancestors too much to skip it.”

Roth’s token heterosexual friend Maggie Wainwright took notice of the seasonal practice.

“I always know when the last snow has fallen, because the second it’s nice out for real, Molly disappears for a whole Sunday and emerges in the most hideous printed button-downs money can buy from the Dollar Thrift,” said Wainwright. “Sometimes I think she’s lost her touch when she wears a beat-up old flannel on a hot afternoon, but no matter what, the following day it’s always cold as hell. I don’t know what weird psychic lesbian shit this is, but honestly, I respect it.”

Meteorologist and local news weatherman Bryce Dayton weighed in with his professional perspective on this phenomenon.

“There’s actually been a long and well-researched history of lesbians accurately predicting meteorological patterns based on when they put their heavier shirts away for the season,” Dayton said while gesturing to a grainy sepia-toned photo. “We have accounts from as far back as the 1600s of ‘spinsters’ claiming to know when to plant seeds to avoid a frost, all because they left their petticoats inside that day. And you know, you see this with gay men, too. You know it’s really summer vacation time when the inseams go from short shorts to really short shorts. It’s just an inherited cultural trait, it seems.”

At press time, Roth was seen swapping her Doc Martens Chelsea boots for Doc Martens sandals.

Review: The Damned “Damned Damned Damned”

Posted on by James Knapp

Each week The Hard Times looks back on a classic album from punk history. We also consume enough ketamine to kill an adult zebra every week, but this is unrelated to our reviews. This week we checked out the debut record from punk pioneers The Damned, “Damned Damned Damned.”

The Damned truly were groundbreakers in the early UK punk scene. They were the first English punk band to put out a single, the first to tour the United States, and “Damned Damned Damned” was the first full-length studio album to be released.

But The Damned’s list of first doesn’t end there. Such a prolific band spent much of their early days racking up an impressive string of historic firsts. So we thought we’d take a look back on just a few of the ones they hit during or around the recording of triple D.

  • First UK punk band to not pay back their recording advance.
  • First UK punk band to hold a band meeting that they forgot to tell the drummer about.
  • First UK punk band to fuck with those big hat guards at Buckingham Palace and actually get a reaction out of one of them.
  • First UK punk band to try tapas. They didn’t like it.
  • First UK punk band to publicly denounce Benjamin Disraeli even though he’d been dead for like ninety years at that point.
  • First UK punk band to be on tour and think they forgot a piece of gear at the last gas station and have to drive all the way back to get it and then not find it at the gas station and then check the van and it was in there the whole time just in a different place than it usually is.
  • First UK punk band to visit a waterpark in East Lansing, Michigan. They all bought souvenir photos from the log flume ride.
  • First UK punk band to think that The Poseidon Adventure was “an intriguing concept, but the production ultimately fell flat.”
  • First UK punk band to break up, then get back together like four days later but without the bass player.
  • And finally, first UK punk band to use a picture of Margaret Thatcher with eyes cut out as show flyer art.

SCORE: 1 out of 1 for everything all the time ever, apparently.

We Revisit Trace Adkins’ “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk” Because Our Flight Is Delayed in the Nashville Airport

Posted on by Sara Mellas

Whether you’re a fan of country music or not, there’s no denying the musical talent and songwriting skills of countless country artists from the past century. From Johnny Cash to Dolly Parton, Kenny Chesney to Shania Twain, the genre has made a marked cultural impact.

I’m no country music scholar, but I am three hours into a layover at the Nashville airport and Trace Adkins’ 2005 hit “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk” is booming through the speakers of the saloon next to my gate. So let’s give it a listen while I wait for the Southwest agent to call boarding group B.

The song opens with a bass line that sounds like it was taken from the Seinfeld theme, over which Adkins speaks to his fellow country boys in a thick drawl. “Turn it up some / Alright boys, this is her favorite song / So, if we play it good and loud she might get up and dance again / Ohh, she put her beer down / Here she comes.” To summarize: He devised a scheme to get the ladies movin’ and it worked immediately. If only Southwest Airlines could figure out how to execute a plan so efficiently.

The first verse launches into a faster tempo and Adkins starts singing, “Hustlers shootin’ eight ball / Throwin’ darts at the wall / Feelin’ damn near ten feet tall / Here she comes, Lord help us all / Ol’ T.W.’s girlfriend done slapped him out his chair / Poor ole boy, it ain’t his fault / It’s so hard not to stare.” Who knows who T.W. is, but it’s safe to say it was his fault.

Chorus time! “At that honky tonk badonkadonk / Keepin’ perfect rhythm, make ya wanna swing along / Got it goin’ on like Donkey Kong / And oo-wee, shut my mouth, slap your grandma / There oughta be a law, get the sheriff on the phone / Lord have mercy, how’d she even get them britches on / That honky tonk badonkadonk” If this song isn’t the rural man’s “Baby Got Back,” then I don’t know what is. When they were in the studio recording, do you think they laughed at all or kept things serious the whole time? More importantly, do you think my flight will get delayed another hour?

In the bridge, Adkins advises his friends, “Boys, you better keep your distance / You can look but you can’t touch,” which is solid feminist allyship by 2005 standards. Then he closes the song with this declaration: “That’s why we do what we do / It ain’t for the money, it ain’t for the glory, it ain’t for the free whiskey / It’s for the badonkadonk.” Such a shame no one writes lyrics like that anymore. Maybe backwoods chivalry really is dead.

Hopefully, one day artists of all genres will start writing entire songs about butts again. But it looks like pre-boarding just started so I’d better line up to get my badonkadonk on this plane.

Bass Player Really Bringing Supergroup Designation Into Question

Posted on by Matt McInerney

MALDEN, Mass. — Two members of Grassachusetts and Stink Witch are reportedly forming a three-man supergroup with roadie Brit Charrington on bass, leading some fans to question the supergroup designation altogether.

“Sure, the other two guys are legends. But I’ve done some pretty notable work myself. I was a touring member of GWAR for a whole summer. I know it just looked like a horny lobster on stage, but I promise that was me sweating through the foam,” said Charrington. “I also did a bit of session work on an unreleased Bongzilla album. Oh, and I even played the tambourine for Mastodon once. They did ask me to play from behind the stage, but if you can find any of those live recordings, you can hear me loud and clear.”

Jayden Briggs, fan of both Grassachusetts and Stink Witch, remains skeptical.

“I’m just not buying it. When I think of supergroups, I think of heavy hitters like Chickenfoot and Sammy Hagar and the Circle. Who the fuck is this Brett Charringuard guy?” asked Briggs. “Why can’t they get someone respectable? I don’t mean to be rude, like, I’m sure Bront Charizard is good or whatever. But at least get someone I know or have literally heard of in passing. Like, just off the top of my head, maybe Michael Anthony.”

Music historian Easton Hilbert agrees that the term supergroup is starting to get a bit fuzzy for his liking.

“It’s rare to find a group like boygenius that is equally respected across all members. More often than not, you have to compromise a little. Or a lot, if you’re the Hollywood Vampires and you accidentally invite Johnny Depp on stage once,” said Gilbert. “But this is too much. Taking two famous guys and adding a rando on bass is absolutely foul play. And while we’re at it, I don’t think you should be able to do the Audioslave thing either. That’s just Rage with a different vocalist. If that was Van Halen, they’d just call them Van Halen.”

In related news, Sebastian Bach announced he’s reforming Damnocracy with Jason Bonham’s nephew on drums and a former contestant from Rock of Love on guitar.

Ron DeSantis Signs Bill Limiting Teachers to Only Use TV Cart for “Birth of a Nation”

Posted on by John Danek

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Reactionary governor Ron DeSantis signed a controversial law limiting all use of public school TV carts to only showing D.W. Griffith’s 1915 silent film “Birth of a Nation,” the governor’s office proudly stated.

“We Floridians are ready to push back against woke, and that starts in the schools; children are going to love the traditional American values on display in ‘Birth of a Nation,’” said DeSantis, who is reportedly crafting laws to replace any trace of critical race theory in schools with introductions to phrenology and eugenics. “And I believe children will find the action exhilarating in a way that no talkie could ever hope to achieve. It’s always been a personal favorite of mine. In fact, my Top 4 on Letterboxd are ‘Triumph of the Will,’ ‘Loqueesha,’ and ‘Left Behind’ starring Kirk Cameron.”

Some Florida parents applauded DeSantis’ efforts to run “woke” progressive ideologies out of the public sphere.

“Thank God and praise Jesus for DeSantis- without him, I would have to actually start parenting and monitoring what my children do instead of just leaving it up to the state,” admitted local mother and gator wrestler Geena Comers. “To be quite frank, I’m not sure ‘Birth of a Nation’ will hold the childrens’ attention in the age of ‘Fortnite’ and Snapchat, but maybe my kids will get some extra shuteye before they learn about God creating the world in six days in science class.”

Prominent thinkers in the world of film lambasted DeSantis’ ill-advised choice of educational film content.

“Not only is ‘Birth of a Nation’ a piece of racist trash, but it’s also an agonizing slog to get through,” explained Dr. Reggie Thayers, film professor at the University of Miami. “It has some importance in the history of film, but very little value as entertainment today. It’s yet another piece of evidence of conservatives’ inability to make good art. George W. Bush’s shitty paintings, Kid Rock’s ear-splitting music, and anything Kevin Sorbo has done furthers the amateurish, ineffective tradition. And don’t even get me started on the Michale Graves era of Misfits.”

The DeSantis camp is considering expanding the law by limiting all school dance functions’ music to only former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee’s unaccompanied bass lines.

Every Slayer Album Ranked

Posted on by Chris Bowen

FUCKIN’ SLAAAAYYYYYEEERRR have been a staple in the metal community since their debut album in 1983. And since then, they have existed as a band through a variety of metal music trends (for better or for worse) and various interesting sound directions (for better or for worse), but if you ask most any Slayer fan, they’ve always just been “FUCKIN’ SLAYER.” However, this is a ranking of their records, and blanketing them with that sentiment wouldn’t be exciting….plus as you’ll see, it’s just wrong.

11. Diabolus In Musica (1998)

First off, I’ll admit that this isn’t a Slayer album that I listen to a whole lot. Well, by that I mean I listened to it once when I was like 7 years old. But as a more mature adult, with more refined taste, I thought, “It can’t possibly be that bad. It has evil satanic Powder on the front, and the Slayer logo is written all cool-like.” Slayer was not only bitten by the Nu-Metal bug when this was written, it laid its eggs inside their brain and what hatched was this. Best to just avoid.

Play it Again: “In The Name of God”
Skip it: Literally every other song

 

10. God Hates Us All (2001)

This album being released on September 11th, 2001 really solidifies the fact two tragedies occurred that day: the 9/11 attacks, and Leftöver Crack releasing their first record…..wait, no, that doesn’t make sense. Make that three tragedies. This album is one of them.

Play it Again: “Disciple”
Skip it: “Deviance,” but only after you get past the intro sound clip with the hilarious stock screams.

 

 

9. Christ Illusion (2006)

Five years after “God Hates Us All,” Slayer is back and as not exciting as ever. I feel like this record was their way of saying, “Alright, no more tripp pants or ‘bugga chugga’ riffs, let’s get back to our thrash roots.” Plus, Dave Lombardo is back behind the kit. It is an okay effort, and much more enjoyable than the previous two on this list, but it still has a little too much of that ’90s-era stink on it.

Play it Again: “Flesh Storm”
Skip it: “Jihad”

 

 

8. Repentless (2015)

This record is more than likely the last Slayer full-length we’ll ever get. Gary Holt replaces Jeff Hannemen (RIP) on guitar and Paul Bostaph returns as the band’s drummer once again. Not the worst record of theirs, but it really isn’t worth carving their band name into your arm over either.

Play it Again: “Repentless”
Skip it: “When the Stillness Comes”

 

 

 

7. World Painted Blood (2009)

This is the last Slayer record to feature Jeff Hanneman (RIP) on Guitar and Dave Lombardo on drums. The most solid of the 2000s era records, it still just barely sets itself apart from the previous two records on this list. Good records, but just sorta one big ball of open “e” strings, bad words and cover artwork that I’ll always forget goes to which albums.

Play it Again: “Hate Worldwide”
Skip it: “Human Strain”

 

 

6. Divine Intervention (1994)

This was the album we saw Slayer sorta veer off in a different direction musically. While not necessarily massively different from “Seasons,” you can tell they were into experimenting with their sound a bit. Some might call it “evolving” or “progressing” their sound, and I suppose you could look at it that way. But Tom uses that weird “megaphone” effect on his vocals everyone was doing at that time on some parts. It’s still a really solid record, regardless.

Play it Again: “Fictional Reality”
Skip it: “Circle of Beliefs”

 

5. South of Heaven (1988)

“Before you see the light…..you must, diiiiiiieeeee.” -Tom Araya

Certainly words to.…umm.…live by? Anyways, “South of Heaven” is a classic Slayer album. Also, to the best of my knowledge, the first Slayer record to feature a Tom “whispering” vocal part that would be a staple of his in the albums to come (for better or for….. well, you know). A bit slowed down, this record showed Slayerites that they can write heavy shit without just playing 10,000 miles an hour. Which coincidentally is the speed limit in hell.

 

Play it Again: “Silent Scream”
Skip it: “Spill the Blood”

4. Hell Awaits (1985)

“Hell Awaits” is the record when Slayer decided to just play all their instruments as fucking fast as they possibly could. And to be quite frank, it turned out really goddamn cool. Kinda boring, but not too much, but also really goddamn good. Plus that cover art is iconic, and cool as fuck.

Play it Again: “At Dawn They Sleep”
Skip it: (This album is best when you listen to it in its entirety, but also “Hardening of the Arteries).

 

 

Honorable Mention: Haunting the Chapel (1984)

This is the EP when Slayer decided to just play their instruments as fucking fast as they possibly could. Now, I’m not allowed to rank comps or EPs on this list, and if I could, this would probably be higher up, but I don’t make the rules nor have the know-how. But I do know “Captor of Sin’ fucking rules.

 

 

 

 

3. Seasons in the Abyss (1990)

“What poser puts ‘Seasons’ in their top three Slayer records,” you say? Well, me, I guess. But it’s a fucking great album. It takes the slow heaviness of what they did on “South of Heaven,” and mixes it with the ferociousness of “Reign in Blood” to make what I think is one of the best metal records of the 1990s, even though it was still basically the ’80s when it was released. Highly underrated and overlooked mostly by posers who still like to call people posers.

Play it Again: Spirit in Black
Skip it: “Expendable Youth”

 

2. Reign in Blood (1986)

“Reign in Blood” is one of, if not the best thrash metal record of all time. From beginning to end, it’s a relentless onslaught of no reverb and iconic riff after iconic riff. That one dude with the really long beard along with Slayer themselves nailed it with this one. There isn’t much else to say here other than if you haven’t heard this then I’m surprised you’re reading this.

Play it Again: “Angel of Death”
Skip it: “Raining Blood,” because every 14-year old wearing a Pantera shirt uses that riff while testing out a Jackson at Guitar Center.

 

1. Show No Mercy (1983)

Slayer’s debut, and their best. Not one other record of theirs compares to the fast, evil, cult heavy metal sound of “Show No Mercy.” It was a game changer for thrash and made Metallica look like Peter, Paul, and Mary in comparison. Each song is memorable, heavy as fuck, and written with pure aggression. Tom’s vocals are by far the best on this album, and so is the overall production. I can honestly say, without hyperbole, that this is the greatest heavy metal album to feature Kerry King on guitar. A total essential.

“Play it Again: “The Antichrist”
Skip it: If you skip any song off this record, when you leave this mortal coil, may you spend all eternity in the kingdom of heaven.

Read more rankings of your favorite bands 

Every Metallica Album Ranked

Every Every Time I Die Album Ranked

 

Woman Experiments With Bondage By Trying on Jeans From High School

Posted on by Dom Turek

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Local woman Tracey Garibay entered the wild world of bondage by trying on a pair of American Apparel skinny jeans she hadn’t worn since her junior year of high school, stunned sources reported.

“You’ll have to excuse my underwear,” said Garibay, sitting on her bed with her pants stuck halfway up her thighs. “I’ve experimented with some light bondage in the past, like when I put my pants on right after they came out of the dryer, but I’ve never done anything this extreme before. I don’t know what got into me. I was sitting alone in my room feeling a little kinky and decided to test the limits of my leg circulation.”

Garibay’s subconscious desire to surrender control was triggered after a long-forgotten pair of size 26 jeans resurfaced while cleaning out her closet.

“I didn’t even know she owned jeans,” recalled Garibay’s boyfriend Andrew Whitaker. “I’ve only seen her wear one-size-fits-all sweatpants or my basketball shorts. Whenever she’s around me, she keeps it very vanilla, I’m talking overalls and t-shirts from promotional giveaways at the gym. I have to admit seeing her helplessly wriggling around on the floor begging me to pull on one of her pant legs got me pretty hard. I’m hoping she might also want to try on that Warped Tour 2008 tank top I saw in the back of her closet.”

BDSM is not risk-proof. It’s important for beginners to tread lightly, whether you’re working with spreader bars, crotch knots, or trying to get out of a dress you haven’t worn since 2012 without dislocating your shoulder.

“She already broke rule number one by engaging in self-bondage,” said Madame Felicia Evil, dungeon monitor at an undisclosed location. “It’s important to have a Dom standing by so you can administer safe words like ‘hazelnut,’ ‘pineapple’ or ‘Oh my god my legs are turning purple, call an ambulance and tell them to bring scissors.’ I once walked in on a girl bound so tightly by a pair of vintage Guess jeans that it made a shibari hogtie look like a spa treatment.”

At press time, Garibay was heard screaming “pineapple” midway through trying on a pair of raw selvedge jeans she hadn’t worn since college.

I Don’t Regret My ’90s Barcode Tattoo Because It’s the Manager’s Override At CVS

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

Not many people still appreciate the tattoo they got at a friend’s kitchen table during a house party. My friend Itchy Phil brought a machine he ordered on eBay, and I had Jose Cuervo for the first time. Teenage impulsiveness, tequila, and a love of Neal Stephenson’s book lead me to get a barcode on my wrist. Somehow, with no training, experience, or reference materials, Itchy managed a perfect rendering of the CVS manager code completely by accident. It seemed like divine intervention running through his filthy hands.

That summer, I ended up working at the photo counter at CVS and one shift my friend Brown scanned it just to see what would happen. Shockingly, the manager’s menu popped up on the register screen. Now we could open the till with no-sales, override age restrictions, and apply discounts, basically, every simple thing a cashier isn’t allowed to do, without paging a manager.

At first, we just used it to shut up shitty customers whining about expired coupons, give some ExtraBucks Rewards to nice customers, and employee discounts to customers who looked like they needed it. And we got away with it! I wasn’t stupid enough to outright steal cash from the drawer and it didn’t work for the actual pharmaceuticals, but I did start getting bolder. When my friends came in for cigarettes, beer, or cloves I would card them in the sense that I asked for a “card,” but when it came time to enter a birth date in a wild coincidence, everyone was a bicentennial baby born on July 4, 1976. I did pretty well charging five bucks a transaction.

CVS was closing its photo centers by the time I went off to art school, but I still used the barcode as an underage customer. My schtick was to look for the friendliest cashier at the busiest time and chat them up. After scanning the alcohol, I’d do the, “You know what I’ve always wondered if my tattoo would scan, would you mind?” and I made their day and no one cares about age anymore. This wasn’t as lucrative in the art school dorms, but I did okay as the sugary wine and Robitussin connection.

It just got too complicated and I lived closer to a Rite-Aid until they brought in self-checkout and CVS became my grocery store, liquor store, toy store, and electronics store, all with a 20% discount! I was living in a rough neighborhood at the time, but I managed to make peace with my tweaker neighbors by keeping them stocked with Sudafed since I could easily override the five-box limit.

CVS has since installed cameras on the registers, so I’ve slowed down, plus I’m mostly buying baby formula and diapers there now.

I look back on that fateful night when my friends got alien heads and tribal bands inked into their skin and I know I made the right choice.

10 Signs Your Bass Player Is Living in the Practice Space

Posted on by Dave McNamara

The amps are getting turned off and everyone is talking about trying to do something with that last riff. You’re about to hit the lights when your bass player says they’re going to stay behind and practice some scales. The only scales they’ve ever brought to practice were from their untreated psoriasis. Something seems weird, but you don’t know how to ask. Just look for these tell-tale signs to see if your bass player now resides on that patch of filthy carpet between the drum kit and bass cab.

Parents have moved to Florida

Mr. and Mrs. Jabowski have packed up for Boca Raton, and you know the new owners of 218 Maple Lane aren’t allowing any part-time barback whose only winter jacket is a 12-year-old High on Fire hoodie rent out their basement.

Blanket from Kick Drum Used to Make Fort

This is a dead giveaway as your bass player probably believes this shelter will protect them from ghosts and/or ghoulies while they sleep.

Empty Happy Meal Containers

The trash can might start overflowing with these containers. You may also find small toys and figurines from the Happy Meals set up in band-like formations. This is where your bass player will live out their fantasies of being a respected member of the band.

Urine Bottles Along Wall

They might ask to save all the beer bottles after practice for “recycling.” You might find them filled with piss and gathered against the wall behind the bass cab.

Doodles of Animals and Swords

Some of the animals might have huge boobs and/or cocks as well.

Other Bass Players Seen Leaving

“Bassists,” as they prefer to be called, tend to form social colonies, so don’t be surprised to see several chin-scruffed and beanie-sporting miscreants scurry away as you approach for practice.

Strong Smell of Dirty Jeans and Cheetos

It’s like the legal definition of pornography – this smell you can’t quite define but you’ll know it when you smell it.

Keeps Suggesting More Comfortable Soundproofing

The thin moving blankets will stop being adequate. They might start suggesting egg crate foam, or insisting that 1,000 thread count comforters from Bed Bath & Beyond are much better and muffling sound.

Has Names for Practice Space Rats

If he starts mentioning that he was hanging out with Gus and Louie last night – scrounging, gnawing, and collapsing their rib cages to fit through tiny holes in the drywall – understand that these new friends aren’t human.

All Their New Songs Are About Hot Showers and Microwaves

You never thought a song about the pizza button preset would bring you to tears, but here we are.

Robert Smith Announces Your High School Girlfriend is Breaking Up With You Again Ahead of The Cure’s 2023 North America Tour

Posted on by Al Howard

DETROIT – Robert Smith, founder and only original member of The Cure, announced dates for an upcoming North American Tour that will also coincide with your one true love in high school breaking your heart once again, multiple sources confirmed.

“The Cure has been the soundtrack to break ups for over four decades and I want to make sure everyone experiences that universal ‘nobody will ever love me again’ feeling that only our music can provide,” said Smith while smearing red lipstick on a photo of Ticketmaster CEO Michael Rapino. “We partnered with your high school sweetheart to deliver an agonizing experience that will remind you of that summer just after graduation, when you thought you were on top of the world, then it all came crashing down and all you had was ‘Disintegration’ to get you through it.”

Your high school ex-girlfriend Dr. Taylor White, 37, shared her side of the story.

“I am sorry that I got into Northwestern and you didn’t even get into your safety school,” White stated in the same patronizing tone she used to rip your heart into little pieces nearly two decades prior. “I know that I’m now a Professor of Astrophysics and happily-married mother of three, and we haven’t seen each other since that one weird weekend in 2006, but I want you to know this: it made sense then and it still makes sense now that we go our separate ways. I hope you enjoy your little cry baby concert or whatever.”

Ticketmaster Representative Claire Owen released a statement in response to Smith’s unorthodox technique.

“We here at Ticketmaster go to great lengths to follow the wishes of performers, even if they want to torture their fans emotionally,” Owen said. “Ticketmaster also works relentlessly to deliver fans the best possible experience a 90% surcharge fee can buy. We are always receptive to feedback, and agree the agony Robert Smith wishes to inflict on his audiences is something that we as a company can proudly stand behind and are happy to accommodate here.”

At press time, your father commented that he doesn’t understand why you “won’t stop listening to that depressing bullshit,” and wants you to “cheer up and go outside.”