Every Deftones Album Ranked

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

We really wanted to challenge ourselves, so we’re going to rank every Deftones album from worst to best. Though this is no easy feat considering how remarkably consistent the band has been throughout their entire career. If you’re really willing to get down to a granular level with us, or if you’re just really, really horny, then we can take this journey together, and prove to haters once and for all that Deftones are more than just a brand of weed that’s sold in the SOCAL Market.

9. Saturday Night Wrist (2006)

Some die-hard Deftones fans may disagree with this one, but in terms of consistency, “Saturday Night Wrist” leaves a lot to be desired. The entire experience from front to back is similar to combining a diet of nuts and cheese with equal parts Miralax. There are stunning moments of clarity in the form of bangers, but beware… there will be times when you find yourself biting down on a piece of slate while waiting for certain movements to pass.

Play it again: “Beware” for its powerful falsetto moaning that soars acrobatically through your headphones in a stunning call and response.
Skip it: “Pink Cellphone,” because none of us want to go to the Hot Carling Academy for a whiff of butt-fucking residue.

8. Adrenaline (1995)

Though a solid album in its own right, “Adrenaline” is more of a proof of concept than anything else. It’s moody. It’s heavy. It’s even atmospheric at times! And if dressing like the Crow before a night of unrelenting bondage sex is your style, then you’ll be pleased to know that the b-side from this album, “Teething,” was featured prominently on the “City of Angels” soundtrack.

Play it again: “Bored,” because come on, this is the song that introduced many of us to Deftones, and it’s simply a classic.
Skip it: “Nosebleed,” we get it, you do lots of cocaine.

7. Gore (2016)

“Gore” is an album that requires patience, but has great payoffs. To date, it’s Deftones’ most ambitious and experimental album. But in terms of replay value, there is a place and time for “Gore.” And that place and time is your couch after about 500mg of edibles. Though its inherent weirdness should not be considered a turnoff by any stretch of the imagination, you really have to be in the mood for this one, which is why it ranks lower than other efforts.

Play it again: “Hearts/Wires,” because TEXTURE!
Skip it: “Gore,” the chorus just reminds us of a terrifying game of hide-and-seek.

6. Ohms (2020)

“Ohms” is the follow-up to “Gore,” and Deftones’ most recent album at the time of this article. Chino’s vocals are in top form, Sergio’s bass rips through your speakers like a buzzsaw, Abe Cunningham relentlessly beats the absolute fuck out of his drums, Frank Delgado’s instinct for texture is intimidating, and Stefan Carpenter reaches his final form because he’s using a 19 string guitar or something at this point. In a way, “Ohms” is the perfect follow-up to “Around the Fur” if you forget about the other six albums in between.

Play it again: “Error,” drum assault at the end.
Skip it: “…This Link is Dead,” borderline rap-metal, and we thought they were past this.

5. Koi No Yokan (2012)

Translating to “feeling of love,” “Koi No Yokan” boasts a crisp, yet lush production that assaults your ears. But for all the abrasive and meteoric highs that this album has, it’s got ballads too. If you ever find yourself slow dancing to this album, you’re definitely gonna get fingered, so make sure you loosen the snap buckle belt on your cargo shorts.

Play it again: “Graphic Nature,” tremendous amounts of hi-hat fuckery.
Skip it: “What Happened to You?”, “Goon Squad” would have been a better closer.

4. Diamond Eyes (2010)

This album rules because it’s a return to form after “Saturday Night Wrist.” This album also sucks because it’s the first album without Chi Cheng on bass. Sergio Vega from Quicksand, however, took on the role of bottom-feeder seamlessly, and this is definitely an album that makes a good soundtrack for eating ass.

Play it again: “Royal,” Chino stubs his toe at the end and lets out the best scream of his career.
Skip it: “CMND/CTRL,” All this computer hacking is making us thirsty.

 

3. Around the Fur (1997)

We love this album for its songwriting, production, sense of dynamics, and flow. We hate it because when we open the CD booklet that we haven’t organized since 2003, it sits between “Three Dollar Bill,” Y’all, and Crazytown’s “The Gift of Game.” There are tits on the cover too.

Play it again: “Lhabia,” sounds like heavy Morrissey, but you’re not afraid to listen to it in public.
Skip it: “Headup,” solid tune, but feels like a B-side

 

 

2. White Pony (2000)

Many think this album should be number one on the list, but they had to use “Back to School (Mini Maggit)” as the opening track on the US release. They shouldn’t have done that. That’s like starting off a nine-course, Michelin-rated meal with gas station egg salad. We strongly recommend starting the album with “Feiticeira,” because that’s the way God intended, and “Pink Maggit” is a superior version of “Back to School (Mini Maggit),” as well as an epic closer.

Play it again: “Digital Bath,” we’ve all had that “drown-your-lover-in-a-bathtub” fantasy at one point or another.
Skip it: “Back to School (Mini Maggit),” because.

1. Deftones (2003)

The self-titled follow-up to “White Pony” is the perfect Deftones album. It won’t bring her back, but if you crank it to maximum volume, they won’t hear you crying. It’s brutal, it’s hella sensitive, the drums sound like a cannon and beat you in the chest, and Chino took a long time to recover after blowing his voice out shrieking on this one. In other words, “White Pony” was a stunning proof of concept of what Deftones are capable of, but it was also the necessary stepping stone to lead us to this self-titled banger that is in many ways a superior album.

Play it again: “Bloody Cape,” the mothership of riffs.
Skip it: “Lucky You,” feels like an interlude; kind of neat, but the album’s fine without it.

Opener Claims They Loosened Pit After Headlining Band Opens It

Posted on by Richard Circuit

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Opening hardcore band Musher claimed they loosened the pit during their set on Tuesday evening before headliner Harumph opened it, sources reported.

“It was really tight out there at the start of our act. We definitely got things moving by the end there,” said Musher’s lead singer Jilly Farnsworth. “I know the pit didn’t technically open until Harumph started playing ‘Blood Is Money,’ but that couldn’t have happened without us giving the audience a few twists and turns of our own. Before our set started, the crowd mostly had their hands in their pockets, but by the end, several showgoers took them out and gently started tapping their feet to the beat. We almost got the pit fully open when we put all their energy into screaming ‘open up the motherfucking piiiiiiiiiit.’ Clearly, we desere some credit here.”

Harumph, however, alleged the crowd didn’t even budge until their set started.

“I don’t think those fools even tried to get the crowd twisting. If they did, it didn’t show in the slightest. It took all our strength to get it open out there,” said drummer Peter Yles. “The Musher set might have actually made them tighter now that I think about it. They kept screaming specific instructions about how exactly to ‘go fucking crazy.’ The singer even provided a five-minute long step-by-step demonstration on how to do a wall of death. That seemed to mostly confuse and scare them. ”

Experts weren’t quite sure who was in the right.

“Lone actors were reportedly pushing other crowd members at the time, but that was said to have started far prior to even Musher’s set,” said music historian and scene expert Fred Schism. “Big empty circles in the crowd were mostly traced back to potent farts and dry-heaving punks in the general admission section. But whether the ‘total motherfucking rage’ is actually attributable to Musher’s music or if it is merely a result of steady Hoppy Daze consumption is harder to prove. Results are inconclusive.”

At press time, Musher claimed that the headliners wouldn’t have been able to crowd surf if they hadn’t started the wave.

I Don’t Want To Brag, but I’m the Reason You Can’t Bring a Falcon to Disneyland Anymore

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Listen, I know we all have things that we’ve accomplished in our lives and I would never deliberately try to talk down to anyone, even people who don’t have the physical and mental fortitude to master the mighty art of falconry. I’m just saying, I really don’t want to brag or make a big thing about it, but remember how you used to be able to just stroll into Disneyland with a noble hooded falcon on your arm and spend the entire day on the Teacup ride, no matter how many kids were waiting for their turn?

That’s right, I’m the guy that made the Walt Disney Company take notice and put a stop to that. When even guys who let dozens of Goofys sweat to death in those suits think you’re over the line, you know you’ve made a mark on this world.

You probably don’t realize it, because you don’t look like you’d know the difference between a kestrel and a common buzzard if one came and picked you up as a small child and threw you into the river at Critter Country. But yeah, I’m that bitch.

Do you think theme parks just happen to have rules against trained birds of prey? Even if they are wearing fine leather hoods that keep them a sign of dignified, gentlemanly hunting? Hell no, something has to happen first, and that something was me and my boy Windkill.

You would be surprised how many people in the line for Dole Whip assume that the kind of training that empowers a falcon to soar through the air and grasp prey in its deadly talons also enable it to do the same with a delicious cup of icy blended pineapple and non-dairy ice cream.

Yeah, that shit doesn’t happen just by itself. It takes someone with some guts, some gumption and a Believe Magic Key season pass to Disneyland, with a group of bloodthirsty, Dole Whip-addicted falcons in his home. That someone is me.

And if you don’t get out of my goddamn way and let me and my birds into Six Flags Magic Mountain, everyone here is going to have some problems. Especially my falcons.

“Super Convenient Laundry In Building” Located In Soul-Chilling Murder Dungeon

Posted on by James Webster

KINGSTON, N.Y. — Local woman Kelly Atkins is frustrated with her current apartment, as the listing promised her access to laundry in the basement of the building without mentioning the fact it is a harrowing pit of terror and despair, confirmed sources terrified to go down there.

“It didn’t bother me much at first,” said Atkins. “Like sure, there’s only one bare lightbulb fighting off the encroaching darkness, but you kind-of have to expect that a little bit in an older building like this. I really started to freak out when I heard my mom tell me to separate my lights and darks before I wash them, because one, that’s a myth, and two, my mom died when I was 10. I guess the worst part, other than the feeling that you’re being watched by a serial killer, is the fact that you have to pay for the machines with an app, and of course you don’t get cell phone service down there.”

David DeLano, the landlord for the building, thinks that his tenants’ concerns are overblown.

“Don’t get cell phone service down there? Goddamn spoiled kids and their phones,” DeLano said. “So what that nobody could reach you and you couldn’t call for help if something went wrong down there? And yeah, nobody could hear your cries for help because of how far down the stairs go, but grow up. Back in my day, people didn’t baby each other like they do now. They’re lucky I give ‘em a light bulb at all. I manage a lot of properties in this town, and everyone thinks they need more light, or a bug-free kitchen, or a basement laundry unit that someone didn’t die a brutal and hellish death in years ago. Brats.”

Spencer Abernathy, a local maintenance man, confirmed that he sees basements like Atkins’ all the time.

“Landlords are always gonna upsell something,” Abernathy said. “Like, if you see a listing that says the place has ‘a communal space,’ it means you’re sharing it with rats. If it says you have ‘private access to a huge yard’ it means you’ve got a door that goes to a patch of dirt and tetanus nails. I own my house, but I’d still tell you that it has ‘lots of natural light and fresh air,’ which just means that I keep my windows open because the previous owner had 15 cats and if I close the windows your eyes will water. It’s all about the sell.”

At press time, Atkins realized that the weird, leaking trash bag in the corner of laundry room was definitely fucking moving, and got out of there ASAP.

Photo by Julia Heron.

Every The Bouncing Souls Album Ranked

Posted on by Bobby Korec

The Bouncing Souls almost seem underrated among their peers. Maybe it’s because they’re from New Jersey and we as a nation have been conditioned from birth to dislike that state. But hey, there’s a Six Flags there, so how bad could it be? Anyway, it’s hard to believe but the Bouncing Souls have 12 studio albums, and we’re here to tell you the order in which they are good.

12. Volume 2 (2020)

This is technically a studio album, but it’s really more of a collection of stripped down unplugged versions of songs from earlier releases. Feels almost like one of those “Punk Goes Acoustic” compilations. It’s a nice little curveball, but putting this any higher would feel like ranking a greatest hits album. That’s poser behavior.

Play it again: “Hopeless Romantic”
Skip it: “Ghosts on Boardwalk”

 

 

11. Ghosts on the Boardwalk (2010)

Guitarist Pete Steinkopf once ranked this album last in an interview, so it seems right to put this one so low. It’s not bad. It’s just that when you’re listening to it you’re reminded that you could be playing their other more Pete-approved material instead.

Play it again: “I Think That the World…”
Skip it: “Airport Security”

 

 

 

10. Comet (2012)

I kind of wish the Bouncing Souls did that thing where their music gets noticeably worse with age for the sake of the guy who has to rank their albums. But unfortunately, they’re aging like a fine Miller High Life. “Comet” isn’t without flaws. Like for instance, there are only 10 songs on this thing. For a punk album, that’s not nearly enough. Fans need content, 16 should be the minimum.

Play it again: “Fast Times”
Skip it: “In Sleep”

 

 

9. Simplicity (2016)

I don’t have too many criticisms about this album, but one of these has to be their ninth-best. Some critics of this record will tell you that the band is trying to replicate some of their early 2000s success. I guess attempting to write incredible music that every fan loves is some sort of bad thing.

Play it again: “Driving All Night”
Skip it: “Gravity”

 

 

 

8. Ten Stories High (2023)

It’s rare for a band to be around for over 30 years, release more than 10 studio albums, and their latest one isn’t complete dog shit. In fact, this one is extremely solid. It’s a healthy sign that they still got it and will hopefully make another 12 records before they die. Or I die. Or we both join the same death cult and agree to die at the same exact time.

Play it again: “Ten Stories High”
Skip it: “To Be Human”

 

 

7. The Gold Record (2006)

This is probably the band’s most New Jersey of all their albums. This requires no further explanation. It also contains more harmonica than we’re used to, so this is considered their Blues Traveler era. But it still has that uplifting anthemic quality that had become the band’s signature. Hey, it’s even got a song about pizza. Something Misfits albums are severely lacking.

Play it again: “Letter From Iraq”
Skip it: “For All the Unheard”

 

 

6. The Good, the Bad, and the Argyle (1994)

“The Good, the Bad, and the Argyle” doesn’t seem to get a lot of love in the Bouncing community, but when your album contains classics like “Joe Lies” and “Neurotic” it should command respect. And if you’re ever looking to brush up on your ‘80s movie references and quotes, look no further than this album. This whole thing is like a soundtrack to a non-existent John Hughes movie.

Play it again: “Joe Lies (When He Cries)”
Skip it: “Inspection Station”

 

5. The Bouncing Souls (1997)

While other punk bands go the political statement route or the “aw shucks, my girlfriend broke up with me” emo look, The Bouncing Souls just want to have a good time. At least in some of their earlier stuff. This album is about riding your BMX through the streets of New York City, drinking beers, hanging out with Kate, eating all the Yoo-Hoos, having no idea what you want to do in life but not giving up hope, and throwing toilets off roofs. You know, a perfect Saturday.

Play it again: “East Side Mags”
Skip it: “I Like Your Eyes”

4. Hopeless Romantic (1999)

The Souls started a maturing phase with this one. By that I mean they started consistently writing songs over two minutes long. Turns out, they were good at that too. But they still had the ability to write those juicy short and sweet ones as well as shout-along classics like the title track. And the chorus in “Ole” will make you want to chant along with a close group of 100,000 of your closest friends in a soccer stadium.

Play it again: “Kid”
Skip it: “Undeniable”

 

3. Anchors Aweigh (2003)

Honestly, I’d rank these next three albums #1 if I could because they’re all essentially perfect, but unfortunately, that’s not how online music criticism works. Therefore, this album, while tied for first for personal reasons, is number three for internet content purposes. But really it’s first. And also third.

Play it again: “Sing Along Forever”
Skip it: Sad to report there are no skippable songs on this one. Believe me, I tried. Really hard too.

 

 

2. How I Spent My Summer Vacation (2001)

Feels like the band really figured something out on this one and just kept that energy going throughout their entire career. You could replace the “Star Spangled Banner” with “True Believers” as the National Anthem and I would be on board. At least I’d now know all the words to America’s theme song.

Play it again: “That Song”
Skip it: “Broken Record”

 

 

 

1. Maniacal Laughter (1996)

One of the most unique qualities about the Bouncing Souls is that they don’t have a singular album that’s the unanimous fan favorite. Some say this one. Others will tell you one of the previous two. Contrarians will even say “Comet.” That’s why there is no unity in the Bouncing community. Thanks a lot, you guys. Your music is so excellent that it confuses us all.

Play it again: “Lamar Vanoy,” “No Rules,” The Freaks, Nerds, and Romantics,” “Argyle,” “All of This and Nothing,” “The BMX Song,” “Quick Check Girl,” “Headlights…Ditch!” “Here We Go,” “Born to Lose,” “Moon Over Asbury,” “The Ballad of Johnny X”
Skip it: Skip that Fleetwood Mac album you’re listening to at this very moment and put on this one.

 

10 Red Hot Chili Peppers Songs You Can Listen to That Won’t Make You an Embarrassment to Your Entire Family

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

Okay, so we know that The Red Hot Chili Peppers are a bit of a touchy subject around here, but they’ve dominated the airwaves for almost 40 years, and we’re gonna have to talk about them. Has this ever happened to you? You’re driving through Chinatown, and you’re blasting RHCP, and you get to that “ding, dang, dong, dong, ding, ding, dong, dong, ding, dang” part. But to your horror, nobody is really vibing with you like you thought they would.

In fact, you may have actually just committed a hate crime.

That’s the purpose of this list; to clue you in to 10 great Red Hot Chili Peppers songs that you could proudly listen to with the windows down. And there are so many great songs to choose from. But for the sake of brevity, and not looking like total fucking nerds, we’ll leave you with 10.

“This is the Place”

Though “This is the Place” is one of their more somber songs, it’s masterfully crafted. John Frusciante was truly at his creative peak when “By the Way” came out, and it’s evident when you throw in a pair of headphones and take in all of the layered vocal harmonies.

And though Flea is known for his rapid slapping and popping technique, his bass line on this tune is simplistic, circular, repetitive, and complemented perfectly by Chad Smith’s deep pocket groove. Lyrically, the song is about addiction and loss, and Anthony Kiedis actually sings in key too! Though we’re not quite sure what he means by kissing our dopamine, we’re okay with it because it fits the rhyme scheme.

“Walkabout”

“Walk About” is one of the funkier songs from the “One Hot Minute” era, and boy does it groove. Featuring prominent wah-wah fuckery from the Ink Master himself, it’s worth noting that although the “One Hot Minute” era of RHCP isn’t necessarily the most popular, there are some hidden gems for sure; “Walk About” being one of them.

You can strut to this one all afternoon, and people will only think you’re a little weird.

“If You Want Me To Stay”

RHCP’s “Freakey Styley” was once dubbed “too funky for white radio, and too punk for black radio.” But for many of us, their cover of Sly and the Family Stone’s “If You Want Me To Stay” was our gateway to funk with actual decent vocals.

While it’s worth noting that “Freakey Styley” also has a blistering funk cover of Dr. Seuss’ “Yertle the Turtle” that’s worth listening to, there’s something special about Flea’s walking staccato bass line, Jack Iron’s straight chopping away at the drums, Hillel Slovak’s tasteful chord placement, and Anthony Keidis’s whatever the fuck he’s doing on “If You Want Me To Stay.”

“Look Around”

When John Frusciante quit the band (again) in 2009, we were left wondering if RHCP would ever bounce back. And they did, when Frusciante rejoined the band (again) in 2019. But the two albums that came out during his absence aren’t so bad. While many wouldn’t consider “I’m With You” or “The Getaway” to be two of their more memorable albums, the playing is solid, and that signature bombastic RHCP energy still pulses through our speakers when we can’t find their other albums.

“Look Around” is one of the perfect songs on “I’m With You.” Flea and Chad lock in with a groove that’s tighter than a vice grip at a cock and ball torture party, there’s a cool clap track on the turnarounds in the chorus, and Josh “not Frusciante” Klinghoffer does that funky strumming that we love so much. But the most groundbreaking part about this song is that Anthony Kiedis mentions Fayetteville, which isn’t even in California.

“Special Secret Song Inside”

Okay, so maybe this one isn’t great to listen to when you drive through a school zone, but in the right setting, people will dig it. After all, lyrics like “I wanna party on your pussy, baby” leave very little room for ambiguity. If you find yourself a nice gal who appreciates it when you’re a bit forward, then you might be able to crush some beers, and then crush some puss to a blistering pentatonic groove if you play your cards right.

“Coffee Shop”

This song has two bass solos, and they’re not even obnoxious. We’re telling you, “One Hot Minute” shouldn’t be considered a skid-mark on RHCP’s legacy like many diehard fans say it is. Though Dave Navarro occupies most of his time these days dangling from meat hooks and cashing checks from Taco Bell, he used to play guitar and do heroin, and he did both of these things professionally in 1995.

“Coffee Shop” is one of few RHCP songs that has a straight-up riff, and we’re pretty sure “One Hot Minute” is the only album in their catalog that fully utilizes humbucking guitars. “Coffee Shop” is crunchy. It’s funky. Flea damn near rips the frets off his bass. And there’s this really cool backup vocal sound that reminds us of Charlie Brown’s teacher, which is pretty cool too.

“Righteous and the Wicked”

This is the first song on the list from “Blood Sugar Sex Magic,” and we picked it because of Flea’s groove. Aside from “Funky Monks,” “Righteous and the Wicked” is the only other RHCP song we know of that utilizes a 5 string bass. And we wish there were more tunes like this. You can feel that low B string rumble through your soul, and it’s truly an ironclad groove.

And when Anthony Kiedis says “yes, I think we’re fucked, but I can’t rest in war,” you know the chorus is going to come in hot.

This is also one of few songs where the band modulates a circular riff through several key changes in the bridge before resolving back to the original established verse groove. It’s hard to believe that this song was written by the same band that put out “Behind the Sun.”

“Readymade”

On the surface, “Readymade” is just RHCP trying to sound like a classic rock band. And if you dive a little deeper, this song is just RHCP trying to sound like a classic rock band. But hey, you don’t always have to reinvent the wheel. The fact of the matter is that this song is just a great wheel. It’s the kind of wheel that will take you to pick your dad up at the bar after the staff took his keys and called you, and then when he turns your car radio up he’ll tell you that this song reminds him of Led Zep, and how he never wanted to work in Pharmaceuticals, but with 4 kids and a mortgage what choice did he have?

Frusciante’s guitar solo fucking rips too.

“Johnny, Kick a Hole in the Sky”

1989’s “Mother’s Milk” concludes with “Johnny Kick a Hole in the Sky.” Lyrically, it’s some of Kiedis’ best work, and highlights the plight his Native American ancestors experienced at the behest of the white man. And how do you get your point across about the grave injustices inflicted upon your people? You fucking jam. That’s exactly what this song does.

It was also the album that solidified the “classic” RHCP lineup that still stands to this day (until Frusciante quits again), and it’s for good reason. The band is simply always at the top of their game when Anthony, Flea, Chad, and John are working together, and “Mother’s Milk” was the album that gave us this proof of concept.

“Breaking the Girl”

We had to throw a ballad on this list, so here it is. “Breaking the Girl” is pretty. It’s devastating. There’s this really cool groove in the bridge section when they’re all just smashing on scrap from the junkyard. And rumor has it, you can even hear Rick Rubin’s beard rustling ever so tenderly on the mixing console during one of his several naps while they were recording this song. While it’s well documented that “I Could Have Lied,” which is also off “Blood Sugar Sex Magic,” was written for Sinead O’Connor, Wikipedia says that “Breaking the Girl” is about some chick named Carmen. But the jury’s still out on whether her last name is San Diego.

Quiz: IDLES Lyrics or Something We Said While on Anesthesia

Posted on by Zach Hudson

British rock band IDLES are known for their raw energy and gruff, in-your-face instrumentals, but it’s their catchy, chaotic lyrics that toe the line between poetry and just plain gibberish that sets them apart. While fans may consider vocalist Joe Talbot to be a lyrical genius, based on our recent trip to the operating table, we think we are more than qualified to step into his shoes should he ever leave the band. See if you can tell the difference between IDLES lyrics and something we said while on anesthesia.

Crawling hurts, but it works for me
I’m alright! I’m alright!
I’m alright! I’m alright!
I’m feeling mani-fucking-fique

Answer: IDLES – Crawl!
While we did spend a good amount of time crawling around the hospital floor, we did not come up with this one.

You pulled my teeth out
Give ‘em back
You pulled my teeth out
I don’t need them
Take two
Take two
Take two
‘Gotta pay your dues

Answer: Anesthesia.
We weren’t getting oral surgery, so we aren’t sure where this one came from but we are glad to report that all of our teeth are accounted for.

Football’s on
All be quiet
Let’s sing together
I said be quiet

Answer: Anesthesia
Apparently, we had been watching The Price Is Right but kept referring to it as football for reasons unknown to us.

I got new shoes
‘Cause I mean business
I mean business
I got new shoes
‘Cause I mean business
I mean business, uh huh

Answer: IDLES – Gram Rock
We aren’t sure what business Joe Talbot was referring to, but if it involves new shoes it must have been serious.

Coo-coo ca choo-choo
Lay on the tracks
Coo-coo ca choo-choo
The hand bites back
Celebrate!
Celebrate!

Answer: Anesthesia.
According to some very unhappy nurses we did in fact try to bite them, although we have no recollection of this.

Let’s seize the day
All hold hands, chase the pricks away
You can do it
You can do it
Yes you can
Woo-hoo!

Answer: IDLES – Mr. Motivator
Whoever this Mr. Motivator is, he’s much more motivational than half of the motivational speakers we’ve listened to.

Man up, sit down
Chin up, pipe down
Socks up, don’t cry
Drink up, just lie
Grow some balls, he said
Grow some balls

Answer: IDLES – Samaritans
While the nurses were telling us to sit down and be quiet, no, this one was not us.

Pick up your hands
Put ‘em on your face
Your face
It’s all yours
Your hands
They’re all yours

Answer: Anesthesia
According to our buddy, we made up a very embarrassing dance for this little chorus we came up with.

Islam didn’t eat your hamster
Change isn’t a crime
So won’t you take my hand sister
And sing with me in time
Great!
Great!

Answer: IDLES – Great
While “great!” was our response whenever we were asked how we were feeling, credit goes to IDLES for this one.

Four feral cats in a garbage vat
They can handle their liquor
Let them dance, let them fuck
Have your way with God
It’s a party!

Answer: Anesthesia.
We’ve spent weeks trying to figure out what this one means and so far we have zero theories.

Favorite Band’s “New” Record You Haven’t Listened To Yet Just Turned 10

Posted on by Dave McNamara

PITTSBURGH – Local man Jack “JJ” Jenkins was shocked to find out the “new” album from his favorite band Deer Stalker just turned 10 years old, which he admitted to still not listening to yet, confirmed unsurprised sources.

“Time just moves faster when you’re an adult. I swear I blinked and an entire decade has gone by and I really have nothing to show for it,” said Jenkins, while patching a hole in a faded OBEY hoodie. “It doesn’t really seem like it’s been that long. I mean, I bought their first album after I saw them open for Flypaper Envelope at Smalls and that was only back in 2003. Now that I say it out loud, I guess that was twenty years ago… Wow. I’ve been working as a part-time door guy at a bar that serves pickled eggs and two-dollar pitchers that whole time. Am I going to die there? This actually hurts to think about.”

Jordy Piatik, a founding member of Deer Stalker, claims that many of their biggest fans seem to ignore anything released after 2008.

“We’re super stoked about the reissue of ‘A Picture of All Your Friends Crashing in a Plane,’” said Piatik. “It wasn’t our best seller, but it’s one we’re very proud of. A lot of people don’t know this, but we’ve actually released four albums and three EPs since after the first Obama term. Bret and I also started a synth band called Deer Witch, and we put out another two albums with that project as well. All told, we’ve put out more records since people stopped paying attention to us than many bands do in their whole career. I’m not bitter or anything, I just think it’s weird when our audiences go batshit for our old songs and fake mumble through anything we did after 2010.”

Record Store Day co-founder and vinyl enthusiast Deirdre O’hare helped usher in the era of deluxe reissues of albums no one thought were that important.

“I love bringing forgotten gems back to life,” said O’Hare. “But more than that, I love making aging hipsters become aware of their creeping mortality. Nothing scares the shit out of you more than when that sell-out record of your favorite band gets the double-digit anniversary treatment. I’m talking double gatefold, essay liner notes written by Chuck Klosterman, and a big shiny sticker on the plastic that says ‘Ten years of your life have slipped away.’ It really spooks them, and I live for it. Next year I’m going to include intake forms for prostate exams with any reissue of an album from the aughts.”

Also scheduled for release next month is the twentieth-anniversary edition of the Wes Anderson movie you thought was lame but never watched.

Every Social Distortion Album Ranked

Posted on by James Knapp

We’ve written about Social Distortion a few times before. Fortunately, we were pretty drunk all of those times and don’t remember most of what we said. So, against our better judgment, we have decided to rank every Social D album, which we are doing with a gut full of blue raspberry flavored MD 20/20. Enjoy!

7. Hard Times & Nursery Rhymes (2011)

Now, there’s nothing wrong with this record morally speaking. It didn’t commit any war crimes or serve on the supreme court or have any sort of reprehensible failing like either of those things I just mentioned. Beyond that, there isn’t much positive I can say about this record. It didn’t bomb civilians with nerve gas I guess. At least not literally.

Play it again: …
Skip it: “Writing on the Wall”

 

6. Prison Bound (1988)

“Prison Bound” is sort of the forgotten Social D album. And with good cause. A lot of these songs are pretty forgettable. Anyone outside of diehard fans is probably safe giving this one a miss, and diehard fans are too busy refurbishing antique jukeboxes to give a shit about it.

Play it again: “It’s the Law”
Skip it: “No Pain No Gain”

 

5. Sex, Love and Rock ‘n’ Roll (2004)

Before the band really strayed off on Nursery Rhymes, they did a pretty good job on “Sex, Love and Rock ‘n’ Roll.” Lead track “Reach For the Sky” kicks all kinds of ass and as the whole the album stays true to the tried and true sound the band perfected over the years. I wish I could put it higher on this list but… well… we’re about to get into here, folks.

Play it again: “Reach For the Sky”
Skip it: “Winners and Losers”

4. Mommy’s Little Monster (1983)

It really hurt me to have to put this record this low in the ranking. I mean, “Mommy’s Little Monster” is a fucking classic. It’s iconic. But upon revisiting it for this list and being well and truly honest with myself, it’s not great. It’s good, don’t get me wrong. But it’s about as good as any other punk record from the time. Mike Ness Still needed several more years of mainlining Buck Owens before the band would really create something great.

Play it again: “Another State of Mind”
Skip it: “Anti-Fashion”

3. White Light, White Heat, White Trash (1996)

“White Light, White Heat, White Trash” is the tail end of Social D’s golden era. The six or seven years when they were in the right place at the right time with the right sound and just absolutely killing it. It is actually a great record, but now I’m not gonna talk about it anymore ‘cause I wanna get started on the next one already.

Play it again: “When the Angels Sing”
Skip it: “Crown of Thorns”

2. Somewhere Between Heaven and Hell (1992)

This is the album that “Prison Bound” should have been. Finally, the band’s sound caught up to where the content of the songs had been hovering high. It just goes to show that maybe all you need is to be a few years out of rehab before you can really start to unpack all that stuff and form a coherent and memorable masterpiece. Anyways, this is it. This album is sick.

Play it again: “Bad Luck”
Skip it: “Sometimes I Do”

1. Social Distortion (1990)

Oh, come on! You knew this was coming! Seriously, what else was gonna be in the number one spot, “Nursery Rhymes?.” Of course “Social Distortion” is their best. It has every song that everyone knows on it and all the ones that not everyone knows are still fucking phenomenal. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve just finished all of my MD 20/20 and I have a strong urge to go punch my parole officer. Farewell.

Play it again: “Sick Boys”
Skip it: Nothing. Don’t skip anything.

Lesbian Completes Seasonal Changing of the Guard by Swapping Out Flannels for Hawaiian Shirts

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

SARATOGA SPRINGS, N.Y. — Local lesbian Molly Roth recently completed the solemn task known in her community as the “changing of the guard” by putting her flannels in storage and taking out her Hawaiian shirts, sweaty sources report.

“It is every lesbian’s duty to perform the ritual come spring, or really, come whenever it’s 80 degrees and we can’t stand it anymore,” said Roth while saluting for some reason. “It’s a long and intensive process that takes a full day; I have to make sure everything is folded like the American flag before putting it into my storage bins, and then all my Hawaiian shirts have to get steamed to ensure they are properly wrinkle-free and crisp while hanging. It’s a tough job, but I respect my ancestors too much to skip it.”

Roth’s token heterosexual friend Maggie Wainwright took notice of the seasonal practice.

“I always know when the last snow has fallen, because the second it’s nice out for real, Molly disappears for a whole Sunday and emerges in the most hideous printed button-downs money can buy from the Dollar Thrift,” said Wainwright. “Sometimes I think she’s lost her touch when she wears a beat-up old flannel on a hot afternoon, but no matter what, the following day it’s always cold as hell. I don’t know what weird psychic lesbian shit this is, but honestly, I respect it.”

Meteorologist and local news weatherman Bryce Dayton weighed in with his professional perspective on this phenomenon.

“There’s actually been a long and well-researched history of lesbians accurately predicting meteorological patterns based on when they put their heavier shirts away for the season,” Dayton said while gesturing to a grainy sepia-toned photo. “We have accounts from as far back as the 1600s of ‘spinsters’ claiming to know when to plant seeds to avoid a frost, all because they left their petticoats inside that day. And you know, you see this with gay men, too. You know it’s really summer vacation time when the inseams go from short shorts to really short shorts. It’s just an inherited cultural trait, it seems.”

At press time, Roth was seen swapping her Doc Martens Chelsea boots for Doc Martens sandals.