SARATOGA SPRINGS, N.Y. — Local lesbian Molly Roth recently completed the solemn task known in her community as the “changing of the guard” by putting her flannels in storage and taking out her Hawaiian shirts, sweaty sources report.
“It is every lesbian’s duty to perform the ritual come spring, or really, come whenever it’s 80 degrees and we can’t stand it anymore,” said Roth while saluting for some reason. “It’s a long and intensive process that takes a full day; I have to make sure everything is folded like the American flag before putting it into my storage bins, and then all my Hawaiian shirts have to get steamed to ensure they are properly wrinkle-free and crisp while hanging. It’s a tough job, but I respect my ancestors too much to skip it.”
Roth’s token heterosexual friend Maggie Wainwright took notice of the seasonal practice.
“I always know when the last snow has fallen, because the second it’s nice out for real, Molly disappears for a whole Sunday and emerges in the most hideous printed button-downs money can buy from the Dollar Thrift,” said Wainwright. “Sometimes I think she’s lost her touch when she wears a beat-up old flannel on a hot afternoon, but no matter what, the following day it’s always cold as hell. I don’t know what weird psychic lesbian shit this is, but honestly, I respect it.”
Meteorologist and local news weatherman Bryce Dayton weighed in with his professional perspective on this phenomenon.
“There’s actually been a long and well-researched history of lesbians accurately predicting meteorological patterns based on when they put their heavier shirts away for the season,” Dayton said while gesturing to a grainy sepia-toned photo. “We have accounts from as far back as the 1600s of ‘spinsters’ claiming to know when to plant seeds to avoid a frost, all because they left their petticoats inside that day. And you know, you see this with gay men, too. You know it’s really summer vacation time when the inseams go from short shorts to really short shorts. It’s just an inherited cultural trait, it seems.”
At press time, Roth was seen swapping her Doc Martens Chelsea boots for Doc Martens sandals.