The Wet Bandits are not what anyone would call criminal masterminds. But following our mandatory annual Hard Times staff rewatch of “Home Alone,” we’re not totally sure that Harry and Marv are even functional human beings. The amount of physical abuse they suffer and live through in the film is more on the level of Frankensteins than it is living men with a healthy understanding of mortality. So we decided to put them up against a slew of our own zany, DIY home defense inventions to see how well they held it together. Spoiler alert: it’s bad. They did bad.
15. Wet Floor
It’s hard to believe that career criminals could be thwarted by something so easily avoided by the installation of a “Caution” sign. And yet, as we see in the films, these The Wet Bandits are not averse to slip-sliding Dick Van Dyke style over every slick surface they come across. Someone really should replace that sign already.
14. Rickety Ladder With Top Rung Sawed Through
There’s a chance they’d test the ladder mildly before trying to climb it only to end up crashing down comically into a bunch of Micro Machines or firecrackers or some such shit. Easily avoidable, which is how we know they’ll crash down comically right into it.
13. Boxing Glove on a Big Spring
There’s really not much to this one. Spring goes back, then pops out, then someone gets hit in the dick so hard it nearly detaches. Maybe Harry has an okay chance at dodging the boxing glove, but you know Marv is right behind him ready to bear the full brunt of a spring-loaded fist to the testicles.
12. Taser Fan
A ceiling fan with a bunch of tasers tied to the blades that just keep spinning around and around and around and around. All a person has to do to get past it is to simply not walk directly under it – something that both bandits are likely to do near immediately upon encountering the taser fan.
11. Nets!!!
Though they may seem a simple obstacle, nets are a frustrating nuisance to even competent criminals. Toss one of these over Harry and Marv and they’ll get so entangled they’ll end up strangled in their own wet banditry.
10. T-Shirt Cannon Fusillade
We’re guessing this would require a whole lot of string to make them all fire at the same time. And also, we dunno, clamps? Like to keep the t-shirt cannons in place. Whatever, it was enough to kill Maude Flanders so it’s definitely enough to at least knock these jokers off a roof or something.
9. The Breakfast Making Machine From “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure”
This one isn’t a trap. Fuck, it isn’t even “Home Alone” canon. Its only job is to make you a full, delicious breakfast through the magic of Rube Goldbergian madness. And after the Wet Bandits take it on they’ll both come away from it with half of their faces missing. That’s the kind of bunglers we’re dealing with here.
8. Landmines Made of Legos
Stepping on a Lego with your bare feet is absolute hell. Stepping on a Lego and then having a hundred other Legos explode two feet under your taint – fuck, just lay down and die already dude.
7. McDonald’s Ball Pit Filled With Cobras
We already know these guys can’t keep it together against even a single tarantula. So a ’90s-era McDonald’s PlayPlace filled with the most venomous snakes on earth is gonna leave these bozos in absolute shreds.
6. Coconut Catapult
It throws coconuts. Quite hard actually. It would put a normal man in a coma but for the Wet Bandits there’s no need to even attempt to dodge it – and don’t worry, they weren’t gonna try anyway.
5. Molotov Cocktails on a String
An augmentation of the classic paint can on a string that swings down the stairs and smashes you in the face, this time you light the Molotov before you swing it down and soak the goons at the bottom of the stairs with fire. Yep, they’re dead.
4. 2 by 4 with a Nail Through It
Sometimes, simpler is better. The piece of wood with a rusty nail in it is a classic of DIY violence. And somehow these idiots fall victim to it every time. Terrible.
3. The Box That Schrodinger Put That Cat In
There’s a thought experiment that goes that if you put a cat in a box with a vial of poison set to break at a predetermined yet unknown time then you must assume that, without looking in the box, the cat currently exists in two states of being – alive and dead. It remains that way until you open the box and collapse the experiment. And now if that explanation seems at all confusing to you, then how confusing do you think it’s going to seem if you put the two fuckwits who couldn’t figure out how to dodge a BB gun in that box instead.
2. Nets Again!!!
The same as the last time except now the net is filled with wolverines. RIP Wet Bandits.
1. Trapdoor Acid Vat With Knives, Nail Guns and, What the Hell, Throw a Few Cobras In There For Good Measure
Fall through the trapdoor and into a world of pain. Considering that neither Harry nor Marv ever even seem to think about where they’re about to set their feet down, we are confident they would not be able to avoid the fall. And after that, it’s just a matter of which lethal bit of the contraption takes them out. We still hope it’s the cobras though.
Look no further than the floor of your car. Between the crumpled Burger King bags and wad of used tissues under the passenger seat, you’ll find the holy grail: loose CDs. Loose CDs are a budget-friendly find when you want to show your loved one that music knows no bounds (including that of a case). This gift is not unlike your newfound freedom, having finally shed the shackles of capitalism for an indeterminate amount of weeks or months.
This affordable gift works wonders when your loved one is in desperate need of a little freshening up. A single stick of gum is all they really need when they’re in a pinch. Who wants the whole pack, anyway? They’re not trying to take up that much room in their pockets. Besides, you’re gonna need fresh breath, too, for all those upcoming interviews. Might as well keep the rest!
Say hello to nature’s gift—rocks! A pet rock is totally free and completely satisfying for friends. Just pick any cool-looking rock from the side of the road, throw it in a box, and tell people it’s a pet. There’s absolutely no way anyone will give you push back on this. Especially since you walked all the way to their house now that your car has been repossessed.
Your loved one will be stunned when you show up with a designer jacket. Do they need to know where you got it or why it smells like corn chips? Hell no! Just call your local movie theater and ask them if they have any black jackets left behind by patrons and voila! You’ve got yourself a sweet present for the fashionista in your life. It might be two sizes too big, but it definitely has character. And maybe even a spare $5 in the pocket you can keep all to yourself.
At a time like this, you’ve gotta look at the glass half-full—kind of like that wine bottle you tried to kill last night, but ended up falling asleep halfway through. This affordable gift comes straight from Albertsons’ BOGO deal. You aren’t buying anything unless it’s deeply discounted, so this is a perfect option. Threw away the cork? No problem, just shove a wad of foil in there.
Remember that old condom in your wallet that’s been sitting untouched for the last four years? Well, it’s finally time to whip it out. This is the perfect way to show that you care about your loved one’s privates and sexual health. There’s nothing more warm and fuzzy than the gift of protection from unwanted pregnancy and STDs. If you can’t afford a whole box of condoms, this will do the trick for at least one sexual encounter. Just make sure to double-check the expiration date on that puppy!
You’ve probably got a Chipotle gift card floating around in your desk drawer somewhere, right? You know, that one you may have used a couple months ago, but there’s totally still money on it (just not enough for a burrito bowl). You’re gonna be cooking a lot the next few months, so why not gift it to a friend? Don’t tell them how much is left on it, so their total at the register will be a fun surprise!
If you think these are just for kids, think again. This shit slaps hard no matter how old you are. All you need is a single sock (not even a pair!) and some googly eyes. The fun will last for hours. Maybe even days. Just make sure to wash the sock before gifting it. And don’t use any socks that seem to be hard or crusty…
Branded pens from the dentist’s office are a fun way to reveal your favorite orthodontist without being over the top about it. It’s all about the subtle details. The best part? Your dentist won’t care how many you take. Just think how many people could be getting a pen with the phrase “tooth hurty” on it! Maybe all this marketing you’re doing for them will earn you a free teeth cleaning?
No gift is more thoughtful than a spare lightbulb, especially an old incandescent. You can’t buy those relics of the recent past anymore. We’re all gonna need one eventually. Except for you. No need to spend extra money on the electricity bill right now. You should really bust out the candles right now and start living a little more humbly. You’re welcome for the bright idea!
If you still have a roof over your head, chances are you’ve got a welcome mat. It may have been left there by a previous tenant, but it’s yours now to gift to whomever you want! The great news is those things withstand plenty of wear and tear, so it won’t look noticeably used unless you threw up on it when you got fired or something. Even then, a good hose down is a great way to jazz it up!
Once you make your dollar menu selection, be sure to grab a few fistfuls of napkins to give your favorite person. Don’t worry if some of them are grease-stained from the Big Mac in the to-go bag. It’s the thought that counts. And the amount of money you can save by gifting an item readily available to the public without purchase.
Have you ever seen a lone cigarette, completely new and ready to be puffed, dangling dangerously at the mouth of a gutter? Looks like someone just dropped a brand-new one and left it there. Don’t you wish that thing had a second life? Don’t let it go to waste—gift it to your pal who may or may not be jonesing for one. A quick dusting off is all you need before wrapping it up.
Do you still have that keychain you stole from 7-11 ten years ago? Well guess what, this is the budget-conscious gift that keeps on giving. Yes, it may be one of those name keychains that has your name on it instead of theirs, and it doesn’t light up anymore, but at least they’ll always know who it was from. Now, that’s a heartwarming gift that will forever be nostalgic of something they never experienced.
A box of matches can be enjoyed by all. Need to start a fire? Wanna light a candle? Did you take a huge dump? Problem solved. Not only will matches come in handy, but your loved one will always have a nice little novelty item from your favorite Italian restaurant. One day, you’ll be able to pay for a meal there again, and that hope keeps you going.
You might think these are just something you make in kindergarten, but the joke’s on you—you can make these at any age as long as you have a box of pasta. This necklace is a great conversation piece and lasts for years as long as your loved one doesn’t boil it. Suck it, Etsy. You’re a true artisan. Hey, maybe you could make this your side hustle for some extra cash…
Taking a public restroom’s TP is a victimless crime. They don’t know how much you need, and what if you have an extremely messy situation that requires an entire roll? How would they ever know? It’s perfectly acceptable to take multiple rolls and distribute them as gifts. It won’t hurt to stock your own bathroom with them! Plus, the rough, thin paper will help toughen up your butthole.
Let’s face it, you only use your car manual like once or twice possibly ever. Why not give it to your loved one as some light reading material for their next long trip? This gift is perfect for the special someone in your life who’s an avid reader. They’ll love the practical graphics! Maybe they can start learning what that light on your dashboard means and you can skip the mechanic?
Do you have a cardboard box that hasn’t been recycled yet? Maybe the box your boss made you put all of your belongings in on your last day of employment? Well guess what! It can double as a rocket ship, a secret fort, or a racecar. The possibilities are endless, really. This gift is all about imagination, which you’ll be using a lot of when determining how you’re going to make rent this month.
Saving the best for last, a Bed Bath & Beyond coupon always hits. You can’t spend a lot of money, but your loved one can! Give them 20% off forever with the gift that never expires. A significant discount on a squatty potty, some picture frames, or a new pillow will give anyone a healthy dose of Christmas cheer. Hopefully you too, since your insurance ran out and you can’t touch base with your therapist for a while. At least one of you will be thriving!
“Waste ’Em All” is pure, uncut crossover thrash: 16 songs in 17 minutes. None of that poser shit like catchy riffs or quality production. Municipal Waste’s debut is played almost sarcastically fast, as if they tried speedrunning their own songs. Same goes for Foresta’s lightspeed delivery, which is best described as “yelling in cursive.” The album blurs together like a night of binge drinking, so trying to recall any portion of it 10 minutes after hearing it is about as fruitful as trying to recall last night’s debauchery the following morning. Lyrically, the band mines obvious territory—violence, monsters, drinking, metalhead delinquency—with high school humor: “I couldn’t help but notice that the band I came to see / Was playing to the speed of motherfucking Kenny G.” But don’t let that fool you: wordplay like “Doormen don’t charge us / ’Cause they’re scared that we’ll charge them” hints that they’re (slightly?) smarter than they let on.
The band’s fifth full-length is kinda disappointing. The album’s good-not-great quality isn’t a problem on its own; it is a problem, however, when compared to the preceding three. As such, “The Fatal Feast” feels like a step backward. There aren’t any real misses here, but there isn’t anything outstanding, either. There’s still amusement to be had, though. There’s a story of a space voyage that turns into cannibalism: “Let’s kill the captain and stuff our face / He led us all to starve here—fatal feast.” There’s another about infiltrating a religion as a prank, only to have it backfire: “They’re not human, they’re possessed / The more I’m learning, the sicker it gets / Those who seek their secrets are hunted for fun / Not blood into wine, they turn wine into blood.” Even lesser Waste albums are good for smashing (empty?) beer bottles, so there’s that.
Municipal Waste’s sixth album is their first as a five-piece. So much for symmetry. Here, they’re joined by former Cannabis Corpse guitarist Nick Poulos, who adds some slick and showy leadwork to the band’s sound. (The instrumental “Under the Waste Command” seems to exist solely for this reason.) Otherwise, the songwriting remains unaltered, so we get another 28 minutes of Neanderthal adrenaline. Lyrically, “Slime and Punishment” is made for The Hard Times audience: the main themes are posturing, metalheads, and fighting/property destruction. Foresta also gives rap punchlines a try with lines like “I got more patience than a hospital” and “Your knife is duller than the tales you told.” He also recounts “Death Proof” with skilled brevity (“Twisted carnage appearing as an accident / Perfectly planned, diabolical degenerate”), suggesting that he may have a second career as a hyperactive movie-recapper if this whole crossover thing doesn’t work out.
The band’s sophomore effort contains stuff like memorable riffs, intelligible vocals, and decent production—in other words, a proper debut. Everything is an upgrade from “Waste ’Em All,” right down to the goofy cover art. Monsters and drunken belligerence continue to be the main lyrical topics, dispensed with a healthy dose of juvenile humor. This time, however, there’s some (minor) variation when Foresta’s channels “The Terminator” and “The Thing,” as well as life advice: “Stop mulling through your problems, don’t drink the pain away / Don’t use it for a crutch to start acting really lame.” Even his criticism of religion is fittingly asinine: “Hide behind the cross, telling lies of the absurd / How many altar boys are fucked before your time is served?” It’s got the nuance of a drunk uncle and the subtlety of an airhorn. Then again, so does Municipal Waste and that’s why we love them.
As the title and cover (drunkenly) scream, The Waste’s third full-length is their most party-centric. This is their Frank The Tank album, and can be summed up thusly: “Raging to a level of inebriated bliss / Pounding to the speed of the metal with our fists.” Of course, there’s still room for violence, and it’s handled with typical “Monty Python”-esque absurdity. The record’s funniest song finds Foresta using “open your mind” in a literal manner, despite the listener assuming it’s figurative: “What I meant to say just might hurt / But my intentions are far worse / The confusion of my strange advice / Can be solved in just one simple slice.” Musically, it’s a better-played and better-produced version of “Hazardous Mutation,” which is to say: another highly entertaining soundtrack for getting fucking shitfaced.
Municipal Waste’s fourth album is their first with some evolution. “Massive Aggressive” is more thrash than punk, with a few actual choruses and a handful of the band’s best songs and riffs. There’s some real growth in the songwriting and arrangement—like the nifty, NWOBHM-esque leads of “Mech-Cannibal”—that signals a (slightly?) more mature band. That’s true of the lyrics, also. Here, Foresta takes two (!) sorta-intelligent swings at religion (“I really do not get the part / Where I spend eternity in dark / Because I don’t believe in Noah’s Ark”), as well as an accurate, if reductive, criticism of the media (“You might think I overreact / But TV’s got me paranoid / Real life turned to entertainment / To fill some desperate void”). Fear not, though: he makes time for vampires, zombies, killer robots, and a lethal gameshow. Municipal Waste sorta played against type here, and the gamble turned out pretty well.
In which a crossover thrash band all but throws out the “crossover” part and makes a ripping thrash album. Maybe Arthur Rizk—producer and engineer best known for working with Power Trip—pushed the band to new heights. Whatever the source of inspiration, The Waste offer their finest set of songs here, featuring sharp and catchy riffs, flashy leads, and even a few hooks. Meanwhile, Foresta’s as entertaining as he’s ever been, calling the famous 1974 Ten Cent Beer Night “the best mistake this home team ever made,” and writing a song about killing someone and turning them into alcohol: “Raise my frothy mug of death / The flavor—the only thing of you that’s left.” It’s an impressive achievement to hit your peak two decades in. Let’s hope we don’t gotta wait five years to see what’s next.