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Kid Only Vaping to Look Cool in Front of Older Brother’s Sex Robot

FAIRFAX, Va. — Local sixth-grader Kenny Jenkins suddenly took up vaping in hopes of charming his older brother’s sex robot, sources close to the modern-day love triangle reported.

“Vaping is my true passion,” Jenkins proclaimed before nearly dry heaving to death on a micro hit. “Anyone who says I only vape to impress my brother’s pleasure bot is reading too far into it. The fact I started vaping the same day he got her or that I seem to wait until she’s looking to take a big dramatic drag is sheer coincidence. So what if her eyes are like diamonds and her lips are strawberry honey? It’s not like I lie awake in bed wondering if she thinks I’m funny or if she wants to hit my vape or how happy we’ll be once we run away together. No, sir. I vape purely for the flavor; albacore-banana is my favorite!”

The boy’s mother Delores Jenkins struggled to decide which of her sons brings more shame to the family these days.

“I don’t know which is worse: My oldest getting his jollies from some animatronic hussy or the younger one vaping to get her attention,” the mother of two lamented before lighting up a cigarette. “My husband assures me it’s just ‘weirdo boy stuff’ but he’s not the one that has to clean Greg’s room. When the vape fumes mix with the post-coital cyborg stench it’s like RoboCop threw an orgy at a Pinkberry. And to think, my mother nearly had a heart attack when she caught me practice kissing an apple. I’m truly relieved she died before having to see technological advances tear our family apart.”

School counselor Marnie Riskin helped contextualize the situation.

“Ripping a vape pen for the approval of a sex robot is classic younger-child syndrome,” Riskin explained. “When Kenny hears his older brother jackhammering away at that poor doll all day, he subconsciously perceives it as a threat to his own masculinity. Naturally he is going to project strength and maturity to steal away some of that attention. It’s like I always say; the intercourse might not be real but the infatuation with a hot robot sure is. And honestly, this is nothing compared to the other stuff kids are doing these days- have you heard of squaphing?! Don’t look it up.”

At press time, the sex robot was deemed useless after a plume of vape smoke short-circuited its operating system.