Christmas is almost here, which means it’s time to get together and connect with the people nearest and dearest to you. No, not your family, that sounds like a stressful nightmare. We mean the people that you have sex with, and the people that they have sex with, and so on and so fourth a few levels down.
Come all ye faithful, ye nesting partners, ye doms, ye subs, ye full-time cosplayers, ye puppy play enthusiasts, ye metas, ye vees, ye relationship anarchists, ye cute barista we met a few weeks ago who promised to keep an open mind and all the rest! Gather round the metaphorical kitchen table and let’s all watch a holiday movie together, and then, you know, probably split off and screw. But which Christmas classic should you go with this year?
We’ve compiled the top 50 Christmas movies of all time and ranked them by how well they’ll play with your diverse and ever-growing polycule!
50. A Christmas Story (1983)
That’s right, dead last. This “holiday classic” is hot garbage and we never want to see it again no matter what the situation or context. Oh, does that make you angry? Are we ruining your childhood? By all means, sound off in the comments and boost our engagement! Just don’t try to get us to watch it again, we’ll shoot our eyes out!
49. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)
Oh, Chevy Chase. Doesn’t his aloofness remind you of your own dad? Yeah, well, pretty sure no one in your sex club wants to think about their dad. Pass.
48. A Charlie Brown Christmas( 1965)
Everyone loves the Vince Guaraldi Trio, but nobody likes Peanuts. People forget every few years and to everyone’s detriment. Unless your kink is being depressed and bored out of your mind, skip this one and just add the soundtrack to your playlist.
47. Christmas In Connecticut (1945)
Come on, you’re trying too hard. It’s called kitchen table poly, not full-on 1950s nuclear family poly. We know today is all about “the family you made along the way” but ya’ll fuck. Calm down.
46. The Polar Express (2004)
It’s the least boomer-vanity-centric collaboration between Tom Hanks and Robert Zemeckis, so, uhm, that’s something.
45. Babes in Toyland (1986)
Possibly the least sexy thing with Keanu Reeves in it.
44. The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)
Show us a polycule without at least one crafts-goth and we’ll show you an eight-way hookup with no long-term sustainability. If your tribe is the real deal, at least one of you is going to be lobbying hard for this one every year, so why not throw them a bone, or should we say, a Jack Skellington? The movie’s over-arching theme of “Hey weirdos, stay in your lane!” won’t jive with you 100%, but don’t read too much into things, it’s Christmas!
43. Gremlins (1984)
Joe Dante’s “Gremlins” is a stone-cold holiday classic, and a great choice for your polycule’s holiday movie because it’s all about following rules and the consequences for breaking those rules! The terms you and your nesting partner, dom, subs, metas, and pups have agreed to are probably a lot more complicated than “Don’t eat after midnight,” but the message resonates all the same.
42. Ernest Saves Christmas (1988)
If you’re looking to pair Holiday cheer with undeniable pansexual charisma, look no further than character actor Jim Varney!
41. Jack Frost (1998)
Featuring Henry Rollins in his most festive movie cameo since “Johnny Mnemonic!”
40. Santa Claus: The Movie (1985)
With a title as bold as “Santa Claus: The Movie” expectations are high, and this movie never quite meets them. It’s got the Big Lebowski as Santa, the Trinity killer from “Dexter” as the bad guy, and the dude who trained Rocky as an elf? This thing is a mess. Still, its overall theme of love winning out over consumerism in the holiday season is warming and important, especially when you’re fucking like 9 people. You would go broke buying high-end gifts for that many partners!
39. Holiday Affair (1949)
Yeah, we did this one last year. It’s not as steamy as it sounds.
38. It’s A Wonderful Life (1946)
This timeless holiday tale about how important one individual life can be is heartwarming but loses some punch when you’re fucking like a dozen people. “Can you imagine if Jeff was never born? I guess I would wind up, uhm… fucking Dave and Brittany more often?” Eh.
37. A Christmas Carol (1951)
Everyone says this version is a classic, but there’s no muppets and no Bill Murray, so like, what’s the point? Without either of those things, this movie is not sexy at all, avoid.
36. Miracle On 34th Street (1947)
“Here you go your honor, 26 Christmas cards all addressed to my sexual partners. How about a tax break?”
35. Frosty The Snowman (1969)
It’s an absolute classic, but if you’re polycule has a top hat person in it, and studies show over 20% do, you’ll want to avoid this one at all costs. Speaking personally, I can confirm there is no magic in my metamour’s dusty old “Look at me I go to Burning Man” hat, and the last thing that person needs is vindication.
34. A Claymation Christmas Celebration (1987)
A VHS copy of this movie would be a welcome addition to The Island of Misfit Toys. It is an oddity, to say the least. At first, you’ll be transfixed by the strangeness. Who are these dinosaur hosts? Why is the Hunchback of Notre Damn in a Christmas special? Is this supposed to be religious? But then the California Raisis start singing, and you’re like “Wait, have I seen this before?” As a person drawn to the polyamory lifestyle, potentially drudging up repressed memories on Christmas day isn’t a gamble you wanna take.
33. White Christmas (1954)
It’s considered one of the greatest Christmas movies of all time. Still, that title, it’s a little hard to swallow in 2023. The cast does little to dispel the negative connection. Unless you’ve got serious song and dance people in tow, maybe skip “White Christmas.”
32. Scrooged (1988)
Even Bill Murray agrees that Bill Murray comes off as way too much of a dick in this movie, but that just makes the payoff of his speech at the end all the more sweet. It’s like edging but with the Christmas spirit.
31. The Nutcracker (1993)
Poly people come in two varieties—those who earnestly enjoy the pageantry and ballet of “The Nutcracker,” and those who still childishly chuckle at the name “Nutcracker.” There simply is no middle ground, but that’s okay, everyone will enjoy this on some level, and that’s all you want.
30. Tokyo Godfathers (2003)
Poly and anime, they go together like peanut butter and a thing most people who also like peanut butter are way too into.
Before we get into Alice in Chains’ sixth/most recent album, we have to put a pin in your proverbial hot air balloon by stating that the band has six full-length albums, an equal amount with each lead singer as of press time, and live, compilation, and EPs like “Sap” and “Jar of Flies” are not listed as they are not technically LPs. Brother, we got you, even though you’re wrong. Anyway, “fog” is a slant rhyme with “long,” but they sound different, and “Rainier Fog” is solid, but one had to be listed last, and the one you DON’T know takes the red giant cake. Still, opener “The One You Know” showcases elements of the band that hardcore fans are all about, like dissonant downtuned chords played in a slow groove with hypnotic dual-vocal harmonies. It’s been over five years since this was released, and we need more. Maybe.
Easily their best full-length, or worst, depending upon who is reading this, album title, Alice in Chains’ second effort with William DuVall, “The Devil Put Dinosaurs Here” debuted at number two on the Billboard 200, proving that fans still needed Alice in Chains in their lives, and many were cool with Staley’s replacement. Shout outs are also in order for Jerry Cantrell, Mike Inez, and Sean Kinney as well for keeping the Chains ship safe and musically sound. In a fun flex, Alice in Chains proved that they were self aware and chock full of humility/humor by appearing in “AIC 23” (also known as Alice In Chains Twenty-Three), a mockumentary about the band via a less humorous outlet. Fun fact: Lars Ulrich from one of the big fives, Kim Thayil from another in a different genre, and Tiffany from Debbie Gibson’s American Stadium Tour band all appear in it.
For every band that debuts with a new lead singer, there is an overwhelming amount of ‘em that end their careers right as they start a new one, but that could not be any further from the truth regarding Alice in Chain’s fourth and first effort without Layne Staley, “Black Gives Way to Blue,” which is one of the better hard rock efforts from this century if we do say so ourselves. It’s an incredible restart for the band and eventually went Gold, which is quite a feat in a post-Napster and pre-streaming world. Co-produced by the band and Nick Raskulinecz of Foo Fighters, Superdrag, Deftones, and Celine Dion fame, whose last name has more typos than Amon Amarth, “Black Gives Way to Blue” is a nearly no filler effort and deserves your time.
Alice in Chains’ self-titled/third full-length studio album is a departure, albeit not a HUGE one, but bands cannot/should not make the same album over and over no matter how many times Rancid tells ‘em otherwise. We must note that the harmonies between Cantrell and Staley are haunting in a beautiful way, especially given that this is the last AIC studio effort for ‘em. Speaking of “haunting,” the three-legged dog on the album cover makes us want to adopt a special needs dog from a shelter imeediately. Alice in Chains as an entity may have been called a sludge factory in the past, but we implore users of said term to brush away from such verbiage; shame on them. “Alice in Chains” is the band’s only Billboard 200 number one LP, but their prior EP, “Jar of Flies,” landed at number one too, and was the first EP in history to do so.
WHAT. A. DEBUT. We used caps lock here, and created one-word sentences to emphasize our excitement, but we swear that we are not yelling at you, the man in the box, or the sun’s sunny sunshine! Anyway, most bands hope and pray to make such a monumental first album, and praise is especially in order for producer Dave Jerden’s hard work on this LP, its follow-up “Dirt,” The Offspring’s “Ixnay on the Hombre,” and most importantly, the soundtrack to the non-existent “Sister Act 3: Breaking the Habit.” Also, “Facelift” is the first of two “no skip” efforts here, and if you have something to say about that brilliant stance that we take on such, we have no further comments on the matter.
Easily one of the stronger rock and roll for your party and soul efforts from the early-’90s, Alice in Chains’ sophomore full-length, “Dirt,” and their second of two records listed right here with no “skip it” tracks in any way, and a one-word album title, is the band’s highest selling LP to date, and likely forever and ever amen, unless the follow-up to their newest as of the year of our lord known as 2023 to 2018’s “Rainier Fog” gets named something dirty like “Mud” or “Filth”. Also, in the ’90s, soundtracks truly reigned supreme, and “Would?” was featured on Orson Welles’ “Singles”. The record came out at the perfect time as members of grunge’s “Big 5” were all experiencing platinum success in the wake of hair metal, and various tracks from “Dirt” would forever have a place in Guitar Centers via sunburst Fender Squier Stratocasters, junkheads.
Let’s get right to business with the newest studio effort to be mentioned here, CLIFFDIVER’s excellent LP, “Exercise Your Demons”: At just nine tracks and under thirty minutes, Tulsa, Oklahoma’s all-caps punk act CLIFFDIVER successfully rock the listener to exhaustion on their debut album and leave said brilliant human clamoring for more. Opening a record in 2022 with a Skatune Network collaboration is quite a statement, but “New Vegas Bomb” succeeds at satisfying even the most bitter of bitter hearts. Formed in the late 2010s, CLIFFDIVER has hit the ground running for a minute, and even played a set at 2022’s Riot Fest that you likely missed due to waiting in line for overpriced PBR at a bitter kiosk. We all know how the story ends, and we hope that CLIFFDIVER sticks around long past its ending. In closing, find a better closing song title than “IKEA Strikes Back”.
Hold on, we bet that you didn’t think we’d list a live album and/or cover act here, but we also surmise with every stretch of our being that you’re a doofus. Los Angeles, California’s The Dan Band initially warmed our cold/bitter hearts in the movie film “Old School,” and when we got wind that they were playing a show in LA, we had to go, and boy were we impressed. There are few male fronted cover bands that uniquely put a stamp on female performed pop songs as well as TDB. Sadly Spotify doesn’t have the whole “The Dan Band Live!” record in its original form, but it has nearly twenty-four minutes for you to check out instead of an episode of “Velma.” In a unique flex, Dan Finnerty, frontman for The Dan Band, is the husband of Kathy Najimy from “Sister Act” and “Hocus Pocus!”
If you can list a band more unique and genre-blending than the Lower East Side of Manhattan’s Gogol Bordello, you’re lying through your teeth, but please spout your oh-so-cool deception in the comments. Lead singer Eugene Hutz turned heads in “Everything Is Illuminated,” but moved bodies with the Bordello. Like The Dan Band above, Gogol kills it in recordings, but slays many more at each of their live shows. Don’t believe me? YouTube a show right now! Still not sold and more into “quality” recordings? Watch their video for “Start Wearing Purple” and try not to get energized/rock out. The most pedestrian way to describe GB is to imagine if Borat Margaret Sagdiyev sang for an aggressive folk punk act. A much better metaphorical way is to imagine sweat was combined with grit, strings, accordions, and a plethora of percussion.
Before the indie G-d (intentionally hyphenated) not named Matt Cardona, Long Island’s pride and joy rock and roller, Jeff Rosenstock, started his kickass and prolific solo career, he also moonlit in The Arrogant Sons of Bitches and Bomb the Music Industry! While both acts are amazing, Mr. Rosenstock’s second solo effort “WORRY.” is a punk/indie masterpiece that trumps all, and just hits all of the right notes. Even though we still wish that this record was one long track a la NOFX’s single “The Decline,” it still rules, and beggars shouldn’t be choosers. Also, at just under thirty-eight minutes across seventeen, YES, seventeen, songs, the album isn’t too much of an investment of your time, AND more than half of its tracks are under two minutes. We truly worry about you if you don’t enjoy this full-length, and we will hold it against you.
If you wished that the glorious, glorious four-piece known as Superdrag listened to a hell of a lot more shoegaze and even more My Bloody Valentine, then The Lees of Memory’s LP “Sisyphus Says” is right up your alley and then some. Featuring two members of, you guessed it, Superdrag, and the drummer for Epic Ditch, which also featured Superdrag frontman John Davis, The Lees of Memory fuzz and buzz through eleven tracks of grandeur that will even please the most hipstery of hipster hipsters by more than a landslide. Open your arms, hearts, stars, and seas to this gem of a record, which may be the most underrated/underappreciated effort in this sterling piece, and possibly the entire history of SideOneDummy.
Grunge may have died a cold-hearted death in the mid-’90s but Atlanta, Georgia’s Microwave’s blend of pop rock resurrected said genre in some form in 2016, for sure! Featuring a throwback-esque surprisingly happy photo album cover, the band showcased personality and spunk over the course of its ten all killer no filler tracks with one word titles that all lean unsurprisingly negative. Much love to you if you bumped this in the mid-2010s and even more so if you do it now! In addition, SO many of your favorite bands have shown, err, love to the band in support slots like Jimmy Eat World, Motion City Soundtrack, The Wonder Years, and Bobby Taylor & the Vancouvers, so the band is officially stamped with the seal of approval by all or none of you. The band’s Pure Noise Records follow-up “Death is a Warm Blanket” rules as well, leather daddies/mommies.
One of the hardest working bands in rock, and if you need proof, Google their tour history since inception, Toronto, Ontario’s PUP released their breakout LP “The Dream Is Over” to critical acclaim in inferior publications worldwide. Although the band has been on several labels, this effort is their most superior and their prior, PUP’s self-titled debut studio effort is their second best, and was re-released on SideOneDummy in 2014 after initially coming out the year prior on Canadian indie label Royal Mountain Records, former home to White Reaper, Black Angel, Orville Peck, and Orville “Punk AF” Redenbacher. Fun opinion that doubles as a fact, depending upon who is reading: This particular album’s cover is a strong and badass statement. Also, PUP is a better name than Topanga, even if her “Boy Meets World” character is a saint.
You may have caught this underrated band, Rozwell Kid, on tour with the aforementioned PUP, or you might have discovered them because of their song with the best title ever, “UHF On DVD.” Regardless of which two of those sterling ways, or a completely different one altogether, brought Martinsburg, West Virginia’s smart grungy power pop band Rozwell Kid into your minds and hearts, one can easily say that the four-piece is WV’s best band, and your older brother Samuel’s favorite. Art can be precious for anyone with eyes, but for Rozwell Kid, Wendy’s, their trash cans, their videos on cold drinks, and, of course, their Frosty Dairy Desserts showcase an exquisite outlook/attitude/lot on life/musical effort. As of press time, it’s been six years since this, their latest full-length studio album, so we are pining for more with bated breath and MadTV YouTube clips featuring Alex “Lois Griffin” Borstein.
We here unironically love our third wave ska like a milkshake, and if you’re lactose intolerant, a Tofutti “ice cream” bar, and Baltimore, Maryland’s The Smooths executed a very solid take on the genre seemingly effortlessly, but never actually rose to the lofty heights of peers in the previously mentioned ska-punk juggernaut acts The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Reel Big Fish, Less Than Jake, and two-tone superstars Cradle of Filth. This is the only ’90s release here, and thus is the oldest mentioned, but sadly the band split last century, shortly after this, their second particular LP, hit stores, unintentionally making this album title turn from its original name “No Brakes” into “Long Break.” Take a look, ladies and gentlemen, like we said about Rozwell Kid above, we long for big decisions like making at least one more, so our hearts can return to the smooth dragon. Look out!
Formed in 2003, Kingston, Pennsylvania’s Title Fight, took their sweet time to make their debut LP “Shed” eight years later, which is the combined amount of time a smart doctor takes to go through undergrad and med school, and released their polarizing sophomore full-length studio effort “Floral Green.” : YouTube says “This video may be inappropriate for some viewers” and the conglomerate is right, but it could have said what “South Park” said as well in that “The following program contains coarse language and due to its content it should not be viewed by anyone.” Watch at your own risk, especially around small and/or dumb children. Although the band alienated some and impressed many with their shoegaze dream pop ANTI- Records follow-up “Hyperview,” “Floral Green” remains their most superior release. Fun closing fact: Will Yip killed it here/captured the band’s raw sound expertly.