WASHINGTON — Recently declassified documents outlining various so-called “enhanced interrogation” techniques used by the CIA during the War on Terrorism years reportedly included the use of isolated Fat Mike vocals at ear-aching volumes.
“After trying out a variety of bands and artists from genres ranging disco to grindcore we found that Fat Mike’s vocal range, or lack thereof, made for a perfect storm of aural torture,” stated an anonymous CIA field agent. “Waterboarding, sticking slivers of metal under toenails, none of it worked. But we play 30 seconds of Fat Mike and those detainees started opening up real fast. Originally, it was just a NOFX track but the detainees kept finding ways to find the value of the music. Especially El Hefe’s multi-instrumental talents and catchy riffs.”
“Fat” Mike Burkett says he was completely unaware the United States government was using his music to violate human rights.
“I only found out that something was fishy when I kept getting pretty good-sized royalty checks at the Fat Wreck Chords office. I thought maybe it was some influencer or foreign television show that made our revenue skyrocket,” said Burkett. “I was half-right, it was overseas, but it was being used to torture suspected terrorists at different black sites. From what I gather they got lots of confessions around ‘Pump Up The Valuum’ because that’s usually when the royalties start to dive again. My sex dungeon was completely funded by the CIA, which makes everything that goes on down there even more fucked up.”
Fullerton College Political Science professor and torture expert, Harry Verga, was one of the first to read through all the documents outlining the use of Fat Mike’s vocals.
“These reports revealed what a lot of whistleblowers had been saying for years. The CIA was engaged in illegal operations to extract information from perceived enemy combatants,” said Verga. “While using the Fat Mike vocals resulted in an impressive rate of verified confessions buried deep hundreds of pages in the classified documents are earlier trials where they used Cokie the Clown tracks too much less success as the detainees kept asking ‘What is this?’ and ‘Is this supposed to be some sort of joke? Is it like a character or something?’”
At press time, the CIA was under fire for allegedly forcing prisoners in Guantanamo Bay to play in Avenged Sevenfold cover bands against their will.