WILMINGTON, N.C. — Ambient musician Julian Sino’s latest album is being hailed as a masterpiece, but fans still don’t think it’s as good as “The Office” for background noise, sheepish sources confirm.
“Sino said in an interview that he created the piece amidst a devastating hurricane. He described the experience of watching his beloved hometown being ravaged right outside his studio,” said longtime fan Hudson Lozano, turning down the TV behind him. “Instead of stopping to mourn, he recorded the cacophony and slowed it down into the beautiful drone that carries throughout the album, almost as a goodbye to our crumbling earth. It’s as if he managed to fast-forward tragedy into beauty and understanding. Which all sounds great, but when I’m trying to get work done or do some chores around the house ‘The Office’ is much better at reducing my anxiety. Unless it’s ‘Scott’s Tots,’ I always skip that one.”
Sino has never been more proud of his work, but he is still not receiving the reaction he hoped for.
“This album is both something to wrestle with and listen to whenever you need to meditate. It’s about processing hardship to find inner peace. And if anyone in this house would turn off that goddamn show long enough to take a listen, maybe they’d know that!” shouted Sino, turning to his children in the living room. “They’re not even watching the TV! It just sits in the background while they play their video games. God forbid they try to experience what my critics are calling my ‘magnum opus’ for like five minutes! I mean, how many times can someone watch that episode where Jan throws a Dundie at Michael’s TV, anyway? I understand creating tension in art, but it’s just downright uncomfortable!”
Andrea Berger, a therapist specializing in sensory processing, has observed this phenomenon.
“I spend all day addressing patients’ issues, so of course I’ve tried every audio experience you can imagine. But they’re not all the same,” Berger explained. “White noise and nature sounds can certainly set a mood. A nice ambient playlist is kind of like prescribing Tylenol: it helps a little, but it doesn’t tackle any deeper issues. If I need the big guns, there’s only one choice: Jim putting a stapler in Jello on loop. It’s like shooting a familiar peace directly into your veins. It really is the best drug I’ve got. Well, besides actual hard drugs; those always work.”
At press time, Sino was seen openly weeping at a five-star steakhouse while his wife asked if she could just get a burger.