GAINESVILLE, Fla. — A new episode of the hit HGTV series “House Hunters” is being applauded for its realism after a millennial couple on the show had to choose between a home with deadly asbestos and one actively on fire, according to desperate sources excited to finally own property.
“Because of our stagnant wages and crippling debt, we never thought we’d ever be homeowners, but look at us now!” stated Laura Drysdale as she coughed up blood. “It was a tough choice between finalists because both had so much curb appeal, but in the end this turn-of-the-century Colonial with asbestos narrowly edged out the spacious Tudor burning to the ground, though it did have gorgeous wainscotting before the inferno turned it into ash. Caleb and I can’t wait to start entertaining here, although it will have to be mainly outside on the deck because this poison really does make breathing hurt. Can’t believe this place only cost half a million.”
Some loyal viewers like boomer Walter Cornelius were confused by the episode.
“What the fuck was that depressing shit?” stated the befuddled man. “Normally this series showcases really cool homes, but this time it was just a sad couple who weren’t turned off by the fact that one house was unfit for human habitation because of the presence of a known carcinogen, and the other was surrounded by firefighters. Not to mention that the third house they quickly eliminated from contention was the only one structurally sound and not a death trap, but it was 20 minutes from the city center which apparently was a deal breaker for them.”
Veteran TV producer Bryce Strider explained that shows are trying to more accurately reflect viewers’ economic realities.
“Millennials are thirsty for content that speaks to their everyday lives,” said Strider. “That’s why there’s a whole new slate of upcoming shows specifically geared to this generation. For example, since this demo rarely has disposable income to travel to exotic locations, the new season of ‘House Hunters International’ will just showcase homes from Staten Island. And the people behind ‘Million Dollar Listing’ will be spinning off an exciting new program called ‘Dollar Listing’ for homes that were built on toxic waste dumps and ancient burial grounds. Who said TV was dead!”
At press time, authorities were still searching for the couple after their home was swallowed up by a giant sinkhole which they weren’t aware of since they couldn’t afford a house inspection.