“With Great Power, Comes No Responsibility,” Cop Tells Spider-Man

Posted on by Tyler Simpson

NEW YORK — New York police officer David Whitehead pulled Spider-Man aside today after teaming up to beat up a group of low-level drug dealers to espouse a lengthy diatribe that “with great power, comes no responsibility.”

“Look Spider-Man, I don’t know what you’ve heard but you actually don’t have to feel responsible for your actions at all,” explained Whitehead. “In most cases, you’re basically rewarded for whatever it is you end up doing. It’s pretty great. Do you have a body cam or anything like that? Because you can just throw that thing away, really, nobody’s gonna care.”

“The thing about guys like us is that we’re heroes no matter what,” Whitehead explained. “So maybe you blow up a building stopping the Vulture, or I murder a civilian in cold blood because I  accidentally showed up at the wrong house, but at the end of the day, we’re the good guys and everybody knows it! So they tell ya to take a few months off on vacation and you come back with a tan. Do you get PTO for being Spider-Man? You gotta unionize with the other one or something, try to fight the city to be able to use guns or some shit.”

“That’s my favorite thing about great power,” Whitehead added. “That it comes with absolutely no responsibility.”

After his confrontation with Spider-Man in Harlem, Whitehead arrested a nearby teenager named Miles Morales for a minor traffic violation.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

We can all agree that video games have a lot of potential for good; they improve your reflexes, hone your block-based puzzle skills, and are a good way to scientifically settle if Rambo could beat a Xenomorph’s ass. But as you’ll see from this week’s comments, the influence of video games can be less wholesome:

5. Teen Inspired to Reenact Video Game Violence in Real Life Can’t Get Seed Funding to Build Roller Coaster

It’s hard enough to convince the homeowner’s association that your neighbor David should be imprisoned in a concrete cage (especially after stealing his pool ladder), but it’s another issue altogether to find a discrete contractor willing to do wet work. You’re better off just waiting for them to die of natural causes, like by a wishing well, or maybe a mummy’s curse.

4. Amidst DMCA Controversy, Professional Mime Becomes Top Twitch Streamer

For those who are unaware, John Cage’s “4’33” is four minutes and thirty-three seconds of nothing but silence. It is also notable for being the boss theme for a long, unfair human life. You don’t need to check out the extended edition on YouTube — you’re living it, baby!

3. 2. 1. Man Who Did Dishes Rewards Self With 8-Hour Gaming Binge

Wanna clean your home? Here’s our guide: Move out of your house and live underneath the air hockey table of your local barcade. You can live off of popcorn and hot dogs (nice), play video games all day and employees will have to clean up after you seeing as you’re the most loyal customer they have.

The power to pee anywhere is wasted on and abused by cis men. This guy recreated the water cycle using the worst soda and his own body. If this is what he does with a 2-liter, I’d hate to see what he does with a Pringles can.

It’s heartwarming to see comments like this, and know that developers from CDProjekt Red follow Hard Drive. I hope that one day you accomplish your bohemian dreams — just please, stay away from Scott’s Mountain Dew bottles.

Thank you so much to everyone who commented this week! If you were featured, reward yourself with a gaming binge — you’ve earned it. If you want a chance to be featured in next week’s column, be sure to leave a comment on any of our posts across social media. Have a great week everyone!

Our Top 5 Ween Songs and What Chemical Inhalants To Pair Them With

Posted on by Jay Chanoine

When you first start developing an interest in a band with a long history and vast discography, it can be intimidating to know where to start. This becomes even more true in the case of Ween, considering their musical genre is likely to change dramatically from song to song, much less across different albums. Add to this the fact that you should be huffing one of many harmful chemical compounds to really get the most out of your listening experience and you’ve got a daunting task ahead of you.

Here is our definitive reference guide of the best Ween song/airborne toxin combos that will leave you tapping your feet and cradling your throbbing skull in the fetal position.

5. “Roses Are Free” / Keyboard Duster

Both standard points of entry for newcomers, these are your mainstream accessible gateways into both the world of Gener ‘n Deaner and that of Allison from that classic episode of Intervention. If you are indeed going in blind, we recommend headphones for optimal listening and a pile of pillows or blankets in case you pass out.

4. “Pork Roll Egg and Cheese” / Scotchgard

The band may have stated many times that abusing the fabric protection chemical was intended to be a joke, but that’s clearly just a major record label trying to save face and avoid lawsuits. The only real question here is whether you prefer the aromatics of the Fabric & Carpet or Heavy Duty flavor varieties.

3. “The Fucked Jam” / After Bite

Both tending to be a bit much for the uninitiated, this combination will have your ears tingling and the nerves on the back of your eye twitching like the inflatable man outside of a used car lot. The song’s one-two punch of nagging synthesizer and growling bass blends perfectly with the insect bite relief of Ammonia and Glycerin.

2. “Mushroom Festival in Hell” / Plastikote Spray Paint

This one’s a bit tricky to pull off since the proper variety of spray paint has been discontinued for quite some time, but if you’re able to track it down strap in for a wild ride through the Oneness. What color you go for is up to you, but we suggest a deep red or burgundy so that you have reasonable deniability when you start puking up blood.


1. “Shamemaker” / Shockbutter

A relative newcomer to the scene. The prep time of combining Vicks VapoRub, hydrogen peroxide and Altoids in a food processor and whipping until smooth is a turnoff to some, but it’s well worth the effort for serious huff-heads. Smear the mixture on the inside of a halloween mask for easy huffing that leaves your hands free to crank up the volume on this undisputable jam.

Editor’s Note: At pressing, the author was being rushed to intensive care and our prayers are with Boognish for a fast and steady recovery.

Coworker Called Out for Gutting, Scaling, Microwaving Fish in Office Breakroom

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

BOWIE, Md. — The staff of Free State Digital are reportedly at their wits end over sales rep John Morris’s habit of microwaving, gutting, and cleaning fish in the office breakroom.

“We all suspected John was the one causing all the weird smells in the kitchen. No one wanted to call him out without proof… but then one afternoon, I walk in and the motherfucker is fileting a bass on the floor like he’s goddamn Bear Grylls or something,” reported irate coworker Alyssa Gomez. “The pile of fish guts in the trash can is really starting to stink, and it’d be nice to open the fridge for once without a bunch of fishheads staring back at me. This is worse than the weekend I caught him slaughtering chickens in the conference room.”

Complaints to H.R. manager Margaret O’Neill have reportedly been in vain.

“I don’t like it anymore than the rest of the staff, but, legally, I can’t tell him not to do this,” an exasperated O’Neil stated. “Morris has the right to eat what he wants for lunch at work, and as long as it’s not putting anyone else’s health or safety at risk, we have to be accommodating. I suggested he do the gutting and scaling before he came to the office, but he told me he’d gone fishing that morning before work and didn’t have time to go home and do that since he was already on final tardiness warning. My hands were sort of tied there.”

For his part, Morris was adamant that he was doing nothing wrong.

“Jesus, what a bunch of fucking babies… it doesn’t even smell that bad. You’ll get used to it eventually,” said an incredulous Morris as he decapitated another fish with a cleaver. “Did I say anything when Jill brought that yappy fucking dog in the office? I’m sorry if saving the heads to make a stock offends some people around here. And as far as the guts are concerned, I’ll throw those out when the can is full. It’s called being green, you fucking idiots.”

Morris then excused himself as he remembered there was a deer in the copy room he needed to field dress.

Opinion: If Parler Is Conservative Facebook, Then What the Fuck Is Facebook?

Posted on by Dan Rice

In the days following Donald Trump’s election loss, droves of conservatives have left Facebook in favor of so-called “alternative” social media sites with Parler quickly rising to the forefront. With an emphasis on “free speech,” Parler’s users are emboldened to actively engage in racism, bigotry, and misinformation without fear of consequence. So like, it’s Facebook?

Parler dunking on Facebook for having conservative representation is like Pepsi dunking on Coca Cola for having high fructose corn syrup. You’re both full of that nasty shit. What the fuck are you talking about?

If Facebook isn’t conservative then why the fuck do I even know who Ben Shapiro is? Why have I seen Alex Jones scream about fluoride turning frogs gay until his head almost exploded? Why am I completely versed in the conspiracy theory that Donald Trump is secretly hunting down far-left satanic baby eaters within our government? I never sought out any of this information but there it is in my brain because we use Facebook to communicate. Seems like a pretty well-oiled conservative propaganda machine. Why mess with perfection?

You’re trying to tell me that Parler is more conservative than a place where I’m routinely called a “libtarded cuck” for saying internment camps are bad? I’ll just go ahead and skip the obvious question of “Why?” Let’s go straight to “How?!”

How do you escalate that? Does Parler allow it’s users to shove the stun baton they bought at an army surplus store though the internet itself so it pops out of my screen and brands the words “All Lives Matter” into my forehead?

Facebook has already done a pretty bang-up job of radicalizing my uncle into the far-right. He doesn’t believe in Coronavirus and he’s dead.

It is literally impossible to use Facebook and not be bombarded with right-wing horse shit. Even if you block every aunt, uncle, and high school friend it still shows up in your feed because your fellow well-intentioned liberals won’t stop arguing with trolls in the comments! Great woke meme, dude. You really shut down that Russian bot. Totally worth exposing every one of your contacts to misinformation!

No matter where you stand politically the last thing anyone needs right now is another social media website. We need to collectively unplug, heal the divide, and focus on what’s really important: Shapeshifting reptiles from the center of the earth stealing our precious semen.

Trump Sneaks His Own Name into This Year’s Turkey Pardoning Ceremony

Posted on by Stephen Bell

WASHINGTON — Onlookers at the traditional Thanksgiving White House turkey pardoning ceremony were left unsurprised today after President Trump attempted to sneak his own name onto the list of turkeys receiving pardons.

“First off, it’s totally fake news that I’d try to sneak my name into this year’s turkey pardon,” said President Trump. “I didn’t sneak anything in, because I openly inserted my name into the pardon list, and it’s a great name, folks. One of the best names. This little thing called the Constitution says I can pardon whoever I want, O.K.? I mean, I’m pardoning a bunch of turkeys, and their crimes are probably a lot worse than mine, believe me. Some of these turkeys are real nasty birds — some of them should be locked up, to be honest. At the end of the day, I don’t need a pardon, but as long as Democrats are trying to persecute me and these innocent turkeys, I will use my power to get results.”

“If any of the turkeys voted for me, they can live,” Trump added. “All the others need to die.”

Reporter Aaron Conklin was among the bemused witnesses.

“The President was making a big show of reading off the names of the turkeys before mumbling under his breath, ‘Donald J. Trump is pardoned of all crimes against America,’ and hoping nobody noticed,” said Conklin. “Then he brought out some official documents and tried to get the turkeys to sign the papers. When they wouldn’t, he said, ‘Well if they won’t, I will,’ and signed his name. I’ve covered every single one of these events — nobody has ever asked turkeys to sign their own waivers.”

Legal scholar Becky Gunn questioned whether the move was even constitutional.

“If you were to ask the founding fathers if a President could pardon themself, I think they’d laugh in your face,” opined Gunn. “They’d probably also ask what Thanksgiving is, why black people are free, and what the hell a turkey pardon is. Regardless, there’s no way he could do this and have it hold up in court — it’s a turkey pardon. Unless he’s trying to reclassify himself as a turkey for shirking taxes… I think that’s one of the excuses he used to dodge the draft.”

Immediately after the ceremony, members of President Trump’s inner circle scrambled to hire the lawyers who defended the turkeys once they realized that treason is still considered a prosecutable crime.

MCU Stars Unite to Defend That Song Jeremy Renner Put Out Last Year

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — A few weeks after uniting to defend costar Chris Pratt’s controversial religious and political affiliations, the stars of the Marvel Cinematic Universe films today banded together to defend that song Jeremy Renner put out last year. 

“Look, it’s not that we necessarily love the song, or even that whole style of music, whatever that style of music would be called,” said Don Cheadle, talking about Renner’s single ‘Heaven Ain’t Got A Name,’ released last year. “It’s more about us supporting our friend and saying, ‘Yes, look, this is a truly inexplicable decision, but surely no single completely disappointing, confounding thing should make a person entirely redeemable, right?”

The song was released last year, amidst a bizarre year for Renner that also saw the release of an app focused mostly on providing Jeremy Renner related updates.

“I never thought I would write and record a song in my life,” said Renner. “But then I had that unforgettable night. When I met the woman whose lips tasted like lipstick and Tanqueray, standing there dancing to the jukebox, I knew no one would believe me if I told this story in any other way. I would like to thank my brothers and sisters in the MCU for having my back while the world comes to terms with the fact that I put this song out there last year. Like you can straight up go find it and listen to it right now.”

Despite being a clear departure from the musical tastes of most of his Marvel costars, many took to their social media accounts to defend the soulless attempt at an Imagine Dragons style crossover hit.

“It’s ok if your song sucks shit,” said Mark Ruffalo on Twitter earlier today. “What matters is that we are all voting in the midterm elections.” 

As of press time, Ruffalo, Cheadle, and many others had released a black and white viral internet video featuring them singing ‘Heaven Ain’t Got A Name.’

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Oprah Announces Newest Book Club Entry, ‘101 Fortnite Tips & Tricks’

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

CHICAGO — Oprah Winfrey shocked the gaming and literary worlds today by announcing that the newest entry in her long running tastemaking book club would be its first ever strategy guide, titled 101 Fortnite Tips & Tricks.

“I am so ecstatic to bring these tips and tricks to the world,” said Winfrey, at the beginning of her Oprah Book Club program, which recently premiered on AppleTV+. “We’ve long aspired to showcase voices and stories that resonate with us, and is there a more powerful symbol of the 21st century than an individual alone in the world, doing what they can to scrape by and survive? These may be tips for a battle royale video game, but I think we can all take these lessons with us in our everyday lives.”

The episode began with Winfrey introducing the clearly surprised and nervous author, a 22 year old college student named Henry Berger.

“I, uh, I thought I might make a couple bucks by writing this and self publishing it,” Burger sai  to the studio audience. “There’s like tons and tons of these. So while I appreciate the opportunity and the exposure, I have to imagine Epic will be pulling my book from the store any minute now now that this much attention is being paid to my unauthorized strategy guide.”

“Also, make sure you’re good at building, and use headphones if you can,” he added, before asking if anyone in the audience was familiar with Fortnite. 

Though many in the audience were puzzled by the selection, most professed their confidence in Winfrey’s cultivation of titles. 

“I’ve read everything Oprah has recommended since she started the book club,” said Caitlyn Richards, who was in the studio audience. “And she’s never steered me wrong. So yeah, this all seems a little fishy to me, but I am going to read the book and try some of the things it talks about, like gathering wood and uh, maintaining the high ground when there’s a storm close? I’m still not sure I understand.” 

As of press time, Winfrey has confirmed that her next Book Club selection will be 1990’s novelization of Mega Man 2.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

I Will Never Love My Family Like I Love Sit-Down Pizza Huts

Posted on by Dan Luberto

I’m a dedicated father, husband, son, and, thank my lucky stars, I’m even still a grandson! Boy howdy, I love each and every member of my family for the unique person they are and the experiences we’ve shared. Yup, I plain ol’ love my family more than just about anything on God’s green Earth.

But if we’re driving down the road and I see a sit-down Pizza Hut, I am careening this station wagon through the wall of that building like an Italian Kool-Aid man and I don’t care how many “My Child is an Honor Student” bumper stickers (or honor students for that matter) we lose as a result.

Nothing in life will ever come close to the joy I feel while nestled snug in the booth of a dine-in Pizza Hut.

I love my family. I do! It’s just, when’s the last time you went to a sit-down Pizza Hut? Aw heck, you probably don’t even know. That means you have a hole in your chest, fella. Sure, you may try to fill that hole with a happy and loving family. But that’s fool’s gold, buddy. You’re gonna wanna fill it with a personal pan pizza served to you in your own personal pan. And that experience can only occur at a sit-down Pizza Hut.

You might think that I’m wrong here but I can’t be alone. Pizza Hut is not only meant to be served in a booth, but doing so brings a joy that no other experience can even touch. Especially not some forgettable experience like a family trip or a birth.

You might also think I’m just nostalgic for a different time in my life. Nostalgia? I feel nostalgic for Pepsi Blue. The feeling of the Pizza Hut lady putting a sticker on my button for READING and sitting down for a personal pan pizza that I earned fills me with a passion so strong, it dwarfs minor emotional moments like when I held my father’s hands and looked him in the eyes before making the decision to take him off life support.

Sit-down Pizza Hut offers solace in a world where there simply is none.

When my wife had the first miscarriage, we bonded through pain and love, but if I’m being honest, I have a much stronger bond with those red plastic cups with that vaguely bumpy texture to them.

Sit-down Pizza Hut’s are a relic of a lost time and we must cherish those that are still with us. And if my wife ever comes back I’ll be sure to finally take her to one.

Woman’s Insecurities Confirmed by Record Store’s Dollar Bin

Posted on by Mike Civins

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Music fan Laura Kesrick’s insecurities were confirmed yesterday after discovering an alarming number of favorite albums in the dollar bin of local record store Black Gold Records.

“I really didn’t need this today. Practically every one of these records had an increasingly profound impact on my life,” said the 28-year-old record collector and songwriter. “Yet each album, regardless of my appreciation or sentimental value, seems that much sadder with a $1 price tag plastered on it. How does Neil Young have this many albums, and why can I buy all of them for like, $18?”

The dollar tag has affected other customers similarly, though some have been more than willing to part with up to four quarters for another copy of Ratt’s “Out of the Cellar” or the soundtrack to “O Lucky Man.”

“I have great memories associated with a lot of these dollar records,” said emotionally steamrolled fellow customer Paula Andreas. “But now you can buy each one for about the same price of a Kit Kat, or even less if the condition is shot to shit… like my musical tastes, apparently.”

Black Gold co-owner Jeff Ogiba is proficient at detecting the moment of realization from his post behind the register.

“The last thing I want to do is be responsible for someone’s existential crisis,” said Ogiba. “But as a small business owner, it’s important to reflect a record’s value based on the demand, the market, and the condition — not if it brings back memories of singalongs on family road trips. If that was the case, Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Rumours’ would be worth a fortune. But when you consider our overhead and operating costs, it’s really just worth a buck.”

“I just want to remind customers that we have plenty of expensive records they can buy if they want to feel better about themselves,” he added.

Although Kesrick left without buying anything, she ultimately determined it was for the best, as she narrowly avoided seeing her own band’s record in the back of the same dollar bin, right behind Peter Frampton’s “Frampton Comes Alive” and Richard Simmons’ “Reach.”

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News

Get the latest punk news delivered straight to your inbox

We'll store and process this information to provide you our products and services. You may opt out of this at any time.