Kratos Joins Fortnite in Attempt to Connect With Son

Posted on by Brandon Puff

ASGARD — Grumpy father and former Greek god Kratos has joined Fortnite so that he can better connect with his son Atreus, who finds the whole situation very embarrassing, sources confirm.

“At first it was cool seeing my dad in Fortnite. I got to tell all my friends about it and he was spending more time with me. He started to take things too far, though, and now anytime I see him he tries to impress me by flossing,” said Atreus, building a wall to hide. “He also plays with me online, which is fine when we win, but when we lose he destroys the computer with his ax and swears vengeance against the players that beat us. It’s a lot.”

Atreus went on to explain how his father being in Fortnite was not only impacting their relationship with each other, but also his relationships with friends.

“He keeps trying to hang out with me and my friends outside the game. He thinks all we talk about is Fortnite, but we don’t even like it that much. When he drops us off at the movies he tells us to thank the bus driver, and if we don’t he gets all stern and brooding. Just last week he asked us all what we would think if he were to dye his beard blue like Ninja. I just wish he would stop. I much preferred him when he was angry and abrasive towards me.”

Kratos spoke in regards to his own experiences after joining Fortnite.

“Sony approached me with a very lucrative contract, and at first I declined. I thought it would be a terrible idea that only a huge sellout would do, to cash in on that easy Fortnite money. Then I heard that the boy played Fortnite and I knew I had to join. The boy and I have never been closer, and I can tell he finally respects me. All this time I thought killing Gods would bring us closer together but it turns out all I needed was some epic parenting.”

Kratos was told by Epic Games that he would only be a temporary character, but that decision was quickly changed after Kratos tore through the corporate offices with his blades of chaos.

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Brian David Gilbert Begins Comprehensive Deep Dive Into How to Get Health Insurance Now

Posted on by Andy Holt

NEW YORK — After leaving Polygon to work on his own projects, video producer Brian David Gilbert began one of his heavily researched deep dives, this time into where the heck he’s going to get his health insurance now.

“Health insurance plans. What are they? What benefits do they offer? How much do they cost? Can I keep the same doctor, or do I have to find a different one?” said Gilbert, speaking directly to camera while citing countless YouTube comments from unemployed viewers who had repeatedly asked him the same questions. “Let’s get started, shall we?”

After having two assistants roll out a chalkboard, Gilbert wrote “Health” along the top and underlined it.

“Before we can talk about the various plans subsidized under federal and state laws, we need to define the word ‘health.’ In games like Final Fantasy, health is represented as a number. However, in the real world, health is defined as ‘Soundness of body; that condition in which its functions are duly and efficiently discharged.’ The word first appears in this context roughly 1,000 years ago. But I don’t want to get ahead of myself. Let’s really dig into that.”

Following countless hours of research and documentation of his search for health insurance, sources say Gilbert had become visibly frenzied with a manic look in his eyes far more intense than in any of his previous “Unraveled” videos.

“Okay, on the wall behind me I’ve put up all of the different clauses and conditions for health insurance coverage depending on where you live, what your employment status is, what income bracket you’re in,” Gilbert began, periodically pausing to collect himself as he continued the physically and mentally exhausting process of understanding the healthcare industry. “At this point, I’m starting to think that I would like to go back to classifying Nintendo villains by their religious affiliation or whatever it was I used to do before this. I can’t even remember anymore. If someone could please hire me to start doing that again, I think it would actually make the enrollment process a lot easier. It’ll take me weeks to figure out at this rate.”

Gilbert concluded with a teaser for his next project, which involves detailed research into filing taxes as a freelancer, independent contractor, or entrepreneur.

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Sex Toy Section of Spencer’s Saves Marriage

Posted on by Zac Townsend

HUNTSVILLE, Ala. — Local married couple Colin and Vanessa Means’ marriage was saved yesterday after an impromptu stop at Spencer’s revamped their stagnant sex life.

“I was browsing through the weed posters when I looked over and saw the sex toy section, and immediately knew what I had to do — linger over there for a few minutes and joke about how lame the boobs shot glasses are before pretending to accidentally knock over a candy necklace thong in front of my wife,” Colin explained. “I knew I had to act fast — we’ve spent 11 years together, and I don’t want it to end. It’s do or die time for our marriage, which means it’s either the sex toy section of Spencer’s or counseling. Luckily, she was on the same page.”

Receipts show the bedroom gadgets purchased involved sexy dice, easy-to-get out-of furry handcuffs, and a “Rick and Morty” butt plug.

“It’s not a bad combination for someone trying to save their marriage. My wife is getting the same care package from me this holiday season, except the ‘Rick and Morty’ butt plug will be the limited edition ‘Stranger Things’ nipple clamps,” explained Pikachu beanie-wearing 37-year-old cashier Davie Gilman. “Those don’t even come out until next season. It’s a perk of the job.”

For their part, the sexy dice are ready to “work our magic” and hope their efforts might save the couple from divorce.

“Whether we get called in to liven up a bachelorette party or resuscitate a dying relationship through a simple and straight-forward set of basic instructions, we always give 100%,” said the sexy dice. “Even if he resorts to tricking her into thinking it’s an actual game, he may at least get a ‘lick’ on his ‘groin’ or a ‘blow’ on his ‘naval’ before she realizes this is nothing like the game of Yahtzee they fell in love over.”

At press time, the “Rick and Morty” butt plug ws nervously awaiting its fate after a bottle of 99 Bananas made its way into the bedroom.

2024 Will Be the Year All My Issues Work Themselves Out on Their Own

Posted on by Bobby Korec

2023 has been the worst year of my life, slightly beating out 2022, which surpassed 2021. Actually, now that I think about it, every year seems to be incrementally worse than the year before. Not 2024 though! I vow to make 2024 the year I sit back and watch all my problems simply sort themselves out on their own.

And hoo boy, do I have a laundry list of issues that need to get right real quick. Thank god I have a PS5 and pot to distract me in the meantime because it’s going to take some serious time for this sinking ship to right itself.

The first problem I hope works itself out is this excruciating toothache I’ve had for weeks now. I’ve been chewing on the other side of my mouth like they said to do on Reddit, so it’s only a matter of time before it just sort of goes away on its own. I would go to a dentist, but that would just create even more problems after they find a bunch of cavity-riddled teeth I’ve been neglecting. 2023, I’m looking at you to come through in the clutch.

Next up, relationship issues. Every person I date seems to end it with me prematurely after months of doing the bare minimum and also finding out I’ve been fooling around with someone else. It’s something that needs to change fast. Hopefully, 2024 is the year I don’t get caught cheating on any of my partners. Infidelity is just so embarrassing for me personally.

It’d also be great if none of my coworkers hated my ever-living guts anymore. Sure, I regularly throw them under the bus to make myself look good, but I only do that behind closed doors. After all, this is capitalism. I have to do what’s right for me and coincidentally wrong for Kevin in sales. That’s how it works, right? Hopefully, 2024 is the year I get that promotion after surviving the last 12 months of being on another bullshit probation for insubordination.

2024, let’s fucking go. I’m seriously ready for a change. New year, new me, minimal effort! I just hope my life turns around by the time I’m done playing Spider-man.

Man Bitten by Drunken Rattlesnake Magically Learns Every Pantera Riff

Posted on by Dustin Meadows

ARLINGTON, Texas — Local dishwasher Dale Bennett was suddenly imbued with the ability to play every Pantera riff yesterday after he was bit on the hand by a drunken rattlesnake, several impressed sources reported.

“This is all new to me. I’ve never played the guitar before in my life,” said Bennett, nursing a severely infected hand. “Now I’m playing the riffs from ‘Walk’ and ‘Cemetery Gates’ like nothing, and I still don’t understand what a pinch harmonic is! All because I picked a fight behind the bar with a rattlesnake over a perfectly good, half-full bottle of Bird Dog that someone tossed in the dumpster. At first I was pissed off when the son of a bitch bit me because it hurt like a motherfucker, and he got the booze. But the next day I just instinctively grabbed a guitar and was suddenly shredding ‘Cowboys From Hell.’ I didn’t feel like I was in control — my body just knew what to do.”

Family and friends close to Bennett report his new guitar skills as the most impressive thing he’s done since the time he beat his stepfather in a fistfight over the last beer in the fridge.

“I have to admit, I’m a little jealous. I feel left behind. We used to just listen to Pantera CDs, but now he plays along, and it’s flawless every time,” said Red Wells, a childhood friend of Bennett’s. “I was hoping I could get some of the same magic — like, maybe I could play the drums real good if I got scratched by a raccoon that was high on crank — but that just ended up with me needing a bunch of rabies shots, and I still might lose a few fingers. Dale has all the luck.”

However, local herpetarium proprietor Marshall Parker is concerned about a dangerous new trend that has started since the incident.

“That rattler’s escaped ‘bout six or seven times now, and it always manages to get good and tanked down behind Walter’s Pub,” said Parker. “Now these kids recognize it as the snake that gave that slacker ‘Pantera powers,’ and they’re intentionally trying to get bit by the damn thing. One kid got bit after the snake only had two bottles of Lone Star in him, and now the kid can only play Five Finger Death Punch songs, the poor bastard — there ain’t no coming back from that.”

At press time, the rattlesnake has switched from alcohol to cough syrup in the hopes of passing its talent-tinged venom onto potential future Soundcloud rappers.

New IGN Guide Sends Freelancer to Your House to Play Game for You

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

SAN FRANCISCO — Video game website IGN unveiled a new feature for its guide section, which sends a freelance writer to readers’ houses to just play the game they’re stuck in for them.

“IGN has long had one of the most robust and respected guides sections in all of gaming media,” reads a new post on IGN. “Today, we’re making our guides even more thorough by giving readers the option to just have someone come to their house and play whatever game they need a guide for themselves. This will ensure that our readers will never get stuck or need to actually play a game again.”

While IGN guides are known for their detail, the new service is aimed at players who still find themselves unable to progress even with painstaking, written help. Writers can help players do everything from beating hard fights to completing annoying platforming sections that they just don’t feel like doing.

“I couldn’t beat the Chapter 12 boss in Yakuza: Like a Dragon despite IGN’s extremely detailed help,” said player Grover McNeil. “Luckily, a freelancer came to my house to grind my severely under-leveled characters for seven hours while I slept. It’s like having an older brother at my beck and call!”

The Persona 5 Royal guide has been especially popular since the service was announced. Players around the world have called on IGN writers to sit behind them and coach them through every decision in the game to make sure the player is properly optimizing their playthrough.

“We’d hate for our readers to have to make their own choices and experience all the fun story beats on their own,” said visibly exhausted freelancer Martha Sakar 36 hours into a session. “We wouldn’t want them missing out on another platinum trophy that they don’t remember getting in two months, right?”

IGN says that 90% of its dispatched freelancers have been sent out to play through the entirety of Demon’s Souls, start to finish, for frustrated readers.

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Grindcore Audio Engineer Regrets Charging by the Hour

Posted on by Kevin Tit

BALTIMORE — Local audio engineer Pat “Filth” Filtrenzo realized yesterday that his “pay by the hour” business model was deeply flawed after multiple grindcore bands were able to finish recording full albums in less than 60 minutes.

“I was so excited to finally make a living doing something I love that I thought I’d give back to my community,” the 41-year-old entrepreneur and head of Sickriff Recording explained. “I set my hourly rate relatively low so more bands could have access to studio time. I booked this band PUSSLIP to record their 18-song full-length record ‘Mucus Puke Us,’ and it took them 10 minutes to record the whole thing. Worst part is, it ended up costing me money after they blew out the speakers in my cabs, busted holes in the drum skins, and ate everything in the break room.”

PUSSLIP specifically sought out recording time at Sickriff knowing they could save money.

“Pat saved the fucking grind scene in Baltimore, bro,” said PUSSLIP guitarist Peter Denim. “Most bands out here could never afford to record at a regular studio. Everything is typically $50 to $75 an hour with a three hour minimum booking fee, plus mastering. That’s some fucking poser shit. We recorded six EP’s with Pat in one day, and it only cost us $30! We had enough money left over to split a bunch of MD 20/20 afterwards. I really hope he doesn’t sell out and start raising his price on us.”

Metal music economist Billy “Big-Bucks” Evans believes this is a common trend amongst audio engineers new to the profession.

“You see this happen all the time,” said Evans. “$25 an hour is a good, cheap rate for any band other than grindcore bands. When the average song is anywhere from five seconds to 45 seconds, it’s going to be nearly impossible to make a living. If you’re passionate about metal music and want to keep fair rates, you need to shift your focus on doom and stoner metal bands, where the average song length is between 15 minutes to a full hour — especially when the musicians are stoned out of their mind and need to constantly redo their parts. This is where the real money is.”

Filtrenzo is allegedly going to now use a stopwatch to charge grindcore bands down to the tenth of a second.

Small Business Owner’s Wife Spending Hours Convincing Him It a “Good Size” Business

Posted on by Eric D

CHATTANOOGA, Tenn. — Local wife and generally good sport Lezlie Colon spent several hours last night convincing her husband David that his small business, Seasonal Expressions, is actually a “good size” business, according to sources who probably say that to everyone.

“David has been worried about the size of his business since it opened, and I always try to reassure him that it’s a perfectly good size and not even that much smaller than most businesses in that little mini-mall thing he’s located in,” Lezlie stated. “I think he’s just insecure because my ex-husband’s car wash business was fucking enormous — like, 12 locations in the tri-state area. There were some mornings when I couldn’t even walk right from standing on my feet so long tearing tickets the night before. But he needs to trust that I love him, even though there is no way in hell Seasonal Expressions could ever compare.”

While appreciative of the generous praise, the retail owner in question knows what he’s working with, and is doing his best despite his below-average status.

“I know that my business may be small in comparison to other businesses, but I am definitely willing and able to do things that those other guys would never even consider. Like free shipping on any order: no minimum purchase, no games,” David said. “I just hope I can keep Lezlie satisfied… I get worried when I see her browsing some of the big online retailers. I know I can’t measure up to those guys, their dividends are fucking huge. I just hope she understands those businesses don’t have the same focus on customer service.”

Business experts confirmed that self-consciousness is a common experience among small business owners.

“The lack of confidence Mr. Colon is feeling is not unusual, although entirely unnecessary,” assured Professor of Business Analytics, Dr. Charlene Campbell. “Everyone knows it’s not even the size of the business that matters, it’s whether you know how to use it, and it seems Mr. Colon definitely does. His store already sponsors two local pee wee football teams, and the PTO his employees earn starts accruing immediately, which is pretty much unheard of for a company with less than 10 people.”

“Micro enterprises are perfectly natural, and many people who have them go on to lead happy and fulfilling lives,” she added. “Some people even prefer a smaller business for the extra effort their owners put in — unlike those cocky chain stores who act like they don’t even care.”

At press time, the Colons were fighting over the fact that David hasn’t gone down on Lezlie since just after their wedding night.

Report: Left-Handed Guitar Looks Fuckin’ Weird

Posted on by John Danek

Through the aisles of Sam Ash, something grotesque caught my eye. An affront to every moral ever held dear. I feared I was tripping on acid or something. My stomach turned with disgust. How could something so unnatural and heinous exist in this world? I was gazing upon a white Stratocaster. A left-handed, white Stratocaster.

I decided that I can’t be the only one to have such a reaction. So I set out on this study to confirm once and for all that lefty guitars objectively look really fuckin’ weird for some reason.

Every scientific experiment needs a control so I browsed thousands of normal guitars. Sorry, “right-handed” guitars. Sure, some of the pointy metal guitars are a bit odd and ugly but they’re not fuckin’ weird like a lefty guitar. No other guitars give me that reaction.

Then I started showing pictures of left-handed guitars to unsuspecting test subjects. I would ask a friend, “Hey, do you want to see a picture of my brother’s new dog?” and they’d be all, “Yeah!” But instead of a picture of a cute dog, I’d bring up a left-handed sunburst Les Paul. I have less friends now. A small part of me felt pangs of guilt for what I subjected unto my loved ones, but the pursuit of knowledge must continue.

Is it the uncanny valley effect? They look so close to the real thing. Like, they’re still technically guitars, sure. But they’re just… less than. You know, like left-handed people.

With all variables considered and research subjects exhausted, I can conclude beyond all reasonable doubt and taste that left-handed guitars look weird as fuck.

And don’t even get me started on basses.

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