I Didn’t Do Seven Years of Community College for You to Not Address Me as Associate of Arts, Pal

Posted on by Sidney Conant

As the unofficial assistant hiring manager for Frankie’s Frozen Pizzas Incorporated, I’ve seen my fair share of disrespectful candidates, but I can’t say I recall a potential hire as inconsiderate as the man I see before me today. You walk into my office, shake my hand, and then deliberately ignore the framed degree I put next to my nameplate and call me “Mr. Frankie Jr.” like I’m some sort of chump? Listen to me very carefully, bud:

I didn’t do seven years of community college for you to not address me as Associate of Arts, a’ight?

I paid my way through school with nothing but the money I earned working here a couple of days a month, and a small, six-figure trust my father started for me by cutting back employee benefits. I think the least you could do is refer to me by my proper title, and maybe throw in a little salute or something.

Seriously, any dough-slinger can do it. You see those guys over there? “Hey Frankie, Associate of Arts, what the fuck you doing adding cinnamon to the sauce?” this, and “Yo Frankster, AA, if you don’t put on some goddamn shoes when you’re on my floor” that. Simple stuff, even if they ain’t anywhere near as smart or financially savvy as I am. And when I graduated? Oof, they made me the best pie you could think of and spelled out “Papa’s Nepporoni” with the toppings, which they tell me is Italian for “Your Successes are All Your Own.” And I’ll take their word for it, because I don’t speak dead languages.

Says here you got an education, too, in something called Chemical Engineering, whatever that is. Be honest with me: did you ever take History of Calzones 150? Because I’d like to see you try to even get a C- in that class, which was coincidentally the grade I got on my third go-around. No, pal, I don’t know what a PhD is—is that some kind of dumb person disease you picked up for being a complete dingdong?

Hold on, is Rose Totino Community College, home of the Mighty Minneapolis Margheritas, a little too highbrow for a man of your juvenile sensibilities? Would you have given me some respect if I’d attended Yale or Stanford or one of those other stupid, made-up universities you keep yammering on about? Or is someone just a little upset that they can’t compete with a guy who spent nearly a decade in academia to get to where they are now in their family business?

Yeah, go on and get out of here, buddy—we don’t need ya. We only hire the best, and you clearly ain’t it.

Man, once I sign on my first employee, Pops is going to be so proud.

Quentin Tarantino Caught Sucking The Mistletoe

Posted on by Evan Vest

LOS ANGELES — A decorative mistletoe went missing at a Hollywood holiday party only to be discovered in a private bedroom being sucked on by major filmmaker and noted foot fetishist Quentin Tarantino, alarmed sources report.

“I could tell the vibe was getting weird from the moment he walked in the door and realized it was a ‘shoes off’ house,” reported a partygoer who asked us to remain anonymous. “Quentin’s eyes lit up, and he just kinda hovered around the heels and flats by the door, with a look on his face like he was admiring found treasure. I’ve never been more happy to have a spare pair of socks in my purse.”

Some guests had a more positive outlook on the situation.

“I’ll be honest, when I heard that no one could seem to find Quentin, it was a bit of a relief. I’m not sure I was ready to handle the constant talking” said Hollywood actor and frequent Tarantino collaborator Brad Pitt. “Every time we run into each other at one of these, it becomes a marathon of him listing these weird, obscure movies that he wants to re-make for a new audience. Sometimes I just want to grab him and tell him that most people don’t find ‘70s exploitation cinema as fascinating as he does”.

When asked to comment about his mistletoe fellating, a very sweaty Tarantino pulled the mistletoe out of his mouth to defend his behavior.

“You know, this gives me a great idea for a movie,” said Tarantino, much to the chagrin of the partygoers around him. “Think about it. The movie is set in Hollywood, 1977. Huge Christmas party attended by the hottest celebrities in town is suddenly crashed by a jaded actress who has come to seek revenge on the city and industry that burned her by showing and setting everybody on fire with, uh, a flamethrower attached to… a knife! That part can be played by Anya Taylor-Joy, as long as she agrees to be barefoot the whole time.”

Tarantino reportedly continued to be a weird nuisance at the party until he was forcibly removed for shoehorning in the N-word during the Christmas Carol sing-a-long.

Gavin Newsom Calls for State of Emergency After Realizing He Hasn’t Been In the News For a Couple of Weeks

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — California Governor Gavin Newsom declared a state of emergency after realizing it’s been well over two weeks since he was the center of attention, sources confirmed.

“This is a serious issue that needs to be addressed immediately. Some people said I should wait until Christmas and release a nice family photo that says ‘Happy Holidays from the Newsoms,’ but that’s just not feasible. There are too many cameras in California, and I need most of them on me at all times,” said Governor Newsom while flashing a smile to an intern. “A few months back I single-handedly solved homelessness in this great state by posing with a shovel at a cleared-out encampment, and nobody seems to be talking about that anymore. They say the problem is worse than ever, that we need a complete overhaul of our system, and they couldn’t be more wrong. It’s fixed, I fixed it. Now point your cameras at me while I smile and point. I even have a headline for you ‘Governor Newsom Shines Brighter Than the Stars Above.’ Print it, that will move units.”

At press time, Governor Newsom was caught on a hot mic reciting Patrick Bateman’s opening monologue in “American Psycho.”

Scientists Warn that Random Women With Band Shirts May Be Asked to Name Upwards of 8 Songs by 2050

Posted on by Peter Woods

STANFORD, Calif. — Scientists from Stanford University’s Center for Social Climate Research issued a new report claiming that women wearing band shirts may be asked by random men to name as many as eight songs by as early as 2050, much sooner than scientists previously anticipated.

“We don’t want to be alarmists but this is just the tip of the iceberg,” said scientist Paula Carita. “It gets far worse than just naming eight songs. You may be expected to name, at minimum, four albums, two related side projects, and any brand crossovers from the past five years. And our worst predictions say you will have to name at least four members, even if the band is a trio. Which is just not sustainable for human life.”

Following the publication of the Center’s findings, some members of the public have immediately begun preparing for this “new normal.”

“It’s already been so bad out there, I can’t imagine how it can get worse,” said Ilona Annachiara after just being asked by a stranger to name three intergalactic constellations because of her NASA shirt. “But I have to be ready for the worst. Just yesterday, I was wearing a tour t-shirt and random men kept berating me for not having memorized every tour stop on the back. When did it get this bad? It was only a few months ago that they would just flash me and move on with their day.”

Yet others have taken a proactive approach by demanding accountability before it gets too late.

“Men are the ones who are putting us in this mess and it’s men who need to fix it,” said Shaindel Faiza, communications director for Let Women Like Things, a California-based social justice organization. “Not everyone needs to be a totally unfuckable nerd about the music they listen to and men need to respect that before it’s too late. If women want to act like every song they hear is named after the first lyric they can remember, then that is their god given right and we’re going to fight until everyone in this country respects that.”

At press time, scientists revealed that, on the plus side, because of the effects of climate change, there will be less men in general by 2050.

Son, You’re Old Enough To Know the Truth — There Is No Santa Claus, and Your Mother and I Enjoy a Cuck/Hotwife Dynamic

Posted on by Dan Rice

Son, I will not be mailing your Christmas wishlist to the North Pole this year, please have a seat. Over the years your mother and I have told you all about Santa, how he watches you all year to see if you’re good, how his elves build you toys at his workshop, how he visits every home in the world in a single night. I’m sure, by now, you’ve seen some cracks in the facade. You must have asked yourself at some point “How does he do it all in one night” or “How can a schlub like my dad satisfy a smokeshow like mom?” The answer to both questions is, he doesn’t.

Son, Santa Claus, and the implied monogamous bounds of my marriage to your mother, are just myths. Sometimes, parents need to make stuff up to encourage their children to be good or mask the deviant psycho-sexual proclivities of their particular, unique bond. We just wanted you to get the most out of being that age where you can believe in things like flying reindeer and Santa coming down the chimney and your old man having the endowment a stamina to keep up with your hellcat mother. You only get one childhood after all.

I know right now you’re thinking “If there’s no Santa, who was the guy in the red suit who surprised us Christmas morning when I was seven?” Son, that was just an actor we hired. Maybe you’re thinking “Then who was the guy plowing mom when I opened their bedroom door unexpectedly?” Well, that was the same actor, who your mother easily seduced while I listened from the bathroom. And before you ask, yes, the fact that we paid him for his acting services beforehand blurred the line between what is and is not a contractual sexual relationship and added a tantalizing layer of taboo for everyone involved.

You’re a smart kid, I’m sure on some level you’ve pierced all of this together long ago but to confirm, yes — your mother and I got you all of those presents, and your mother’s constant infidelity, far from scorning me, arouses and delights me more than any drug on the face of this earth. Believe me, I’ve tried them all.

We just feel that you’re getting a little old to be believing in things like Santa Claus or staying in the dark about your parent’s sexual lifestyle. You’re in your late 50s now, practically a man, and your mother and I would like to turn the den into a dungeon/kink community space. Please leave.

Sisqó Teams Up with New York Philharmonic for “Thong Song 2025”

Posted on by Jeff Bender

NEW YORK — American R&B singer Sisqó revealed that he would be collaborating with the New York Philharmonic to perform a rendition of the 1999 hit “Thong Song,” confirmed sources who vaguely remembered that song.

“I’ve been thinking about this since I saw a Vitamin Water ad with 50 Cent conducting an orchestra to ‘In Da Club.’ I figured it was time for me to grow up as well, show my audience that I’m an artist, not just some 20-year-old who’s interested in watching girls’ booty shake,” said the singer, now 46. “When I approached all 100 members of the Philharmonic at once about the collaboration, they weren’t sure the line ‘dumps like a truck’ would fit with a bassoon. But after convincing them that the audience of this song is now old enough to appreciate Beethoven, he immediately agreed.”

New York Philharmonic director Jaap van Zweden was excited about the opportunity to join forces with someone he hadn’t actually heard of previously.

“I have always wanted to perform a song specifically about women’s underwear. I’m going to start with a lone oboe, a lamb lost in the woods, and continue to layer the instrumentation while the narrative—whose throughline concerns a thin piece of fabric between butt cheeks—starts to take form,” said the composer. “The woodwinds rise out of a piano-forte, and we’re off, climbing the double-mountain. The timpani appears, rising alongside a cymbal roll that smashes down like waves—so that by the climax the audience’s heart is racing as I turn around and tear away my tuxedo pants to reveal a red satin thong. The message of the chorus is ‘let me see that thong.’ That’s exactly what I plan to do.”

Symphonic historian Klaus Wagner, PhD, wasn’t surprised to learn of the pairing.

“Everybody in classical music dreams of collaborating with Sisqó. But what is it about this particular composition? Is it the harrowing shift from C-sharp to D-minor? The increasing modulation? The surging instrumental section preceding the finale?” said the author of “The Definitive Guide to Classical.” “Personally, I think it’s the subtlety of the line ‘thong-tha-thong-thong-thong.’ Mozart would have given his left nut to write a melody that simple, yet elegant. But unfortunately, we’ll have to settle for his ‘Piano Concerto No.21’ track instead.”

Meanwhile, across the country, Kirst Novoselic and Dave Grohl reunited to collaborate with the Seattle Symphony on an update of “Rape Me.”

20 Bad Brains Songs That Will Make You Forget About That One No One Wants To Talk About

Posted on by Trevor Graham

The influence Bad Brains has had on the punk and hardcore scenes over the past four decades can’t be understated. And we don’t just mean how their icon artwork has been adapted and used on everything from skate graphics to bespoke artisanal coffee shops. Their music and message were always lightyears ahead of their peers in the ‘80s and they helped break down barriers people didn’t even know existed.

Unfortunately some time around 1989 they wrote a song I think we’d all rather forget. It’s a song they have since distanced themselves from and have even gone as far as removing the vocals from and re-releasing as an instrumental song on re-issues of the album. So if you know the song we’re talking about, or even if you don’t, here are twenty Bad Brains songs you should listen to instead while we all pretend that other one doesn’t exist. Listen to the playlist, click here.

20. Supertouch

Bad Brains are often credited as being the “blueprint for hardcore” and in this song, they may have invented the breakdown which is great because this is exactly the kind of thing they probably want to be remembered for and not that one certain song.

19. Sailin’ On

One of the defining qualities of Bad Brainses’s lyrics is the (mostly) positive messages they chose to write about. This song could’ve been called “Fuck it, I’m outta here” and is about leaving a situation or person who is treating you badly. Just another track in their (almost) perfect catalog.

18. I Against I

This is the one Bad Brains song everyone tries to cover usually to disastrous results. Jah bless all the singers out there who tried in vain to get all those lyrics out that fast and on beat. Don’t want to screw them up – almighty’s watching.

17. Big Takeover

Here’s a song everyone really should’ve been paying attention to. It’s about how if we’re not careful Nazis are going to take over the government. It’s a prescient message written in 1982. It’s almost quaint how everyone thought Ronald Reagan was the worst leader we’d ever have.

16. At The Movies

The last line in the lyrics is “So I say to youth right now don’t sway to the unjust / No matter what they say never give in.” Yes to all of this and less to you know… what they say in that other song.

15. Banned in D.C.

One of the most iconic early hardcore songs ever. As Bad Brains started to make a name for themselves in the late ‘70s they would play raucous shows which caused the crowds to lose their shit and damage venues. For this reason, the band found themselves blacklisted from playing shows in the D.C. area. It must suck to be discriminated against based on just who you are as a person.

14. How Low Can Punk Get?

“How low can a punk get?” It’s a good question, one with many answers but for us, we would argue the real answer is writing a song that demonizes a marginalized group based on their sexual preferences. That seems pretty low.

13. I Luv I Jah

Bad Brains’ reggae songs are a source of controversy. Some fans like them while others might tolerate them and typically will skip past them. Even if you don’t like reggae though it’s still better than that other song we’re trying to avoid talking about.

12. Rise

This song and album are almost the most controversial output from Bad Brains but not because of the lyrics. For a variety of reasons, HR was absent from the band and was replaced by Israel Joseph I who is doing a pretty good HR impression. You could make the argument this is not actually a Bad Brains song but at least it doesn’t insinuate that a deadly sexually transmitted disease is a punishment from god. So, there’s that.

11. Attitude

There was something that started to spread in the early ‘80s, especially on the lower east side of Manhattan. It was something that had a three-letter acronym and it spread from person to person and mainly affected those in alternative lifestyles. That thing was PMA and the Bad Brains were responsible.

10. Soul Craft

“Soul Craft” kicks off their 1989 album “Quickness” and highlights their musical progression from previous works. Drawing in more influences from metal and even some hip-hop they were pushing boundaries on genres never heard before. Unfortunately, this progression is marred by a regression in lyrics on a song later in the album.

9. Day Tripper/She’s Like A Rainbow

Typically we would say a Beatles cover is an immediate skip and a Rolling Stones cover is passable at best. But they do a good job and make it their own by giving it a reggae spin to it. And also there isn’t a trace of homophobia in the lyrics!

8. Coptic Times

It’s always funny to watch all your heathen, Godless punk friends sing along to a song about how cool it is to read the bible. But hey, at least they’re just singing about it as being a positive thing for them personally and not using it as a way to villainize a portion of the population.

7. Re-Ignition

This is probably the one song from Bad Brains that your normie friend might know because they heard it at a bar or something but don’t know who plays it. You could be the cool friend who introduces them to the rest of their music but tread lightly because if your friend discovers the-song-that-shall-not-be-named it’s going to be an awkward conversation.

6. Pay To Cum

Well, the title is certainly eyebrow-raising. But to be honest we have no idea what this song is about since the lyrics are flying by at light speed. Let’s go ahead and give them the benefit of the doubt that it’s just a fun punk jam though.

5. She’s Calling You

Musically this is a bit of a departure for HR and Co. It skews less punk and more like an ‘80s skate video soundtrack. It’s super catchy and one of their most upbeat. But the best part is that it doesn’t mention anything about a disorder that affects the immune system.

4. God Of Love

A later era for Bad Brains that is often overlooked and seems a little dated even by mid-’90s standards. It’s not really them at their best but hey, at least it’s not them at their worst.

3. Fearless Vampire Killers

This song’s title comes from a campy ‘60s horror movie about vampires. Vampires of course suck blood from unwanting victims and luckily there is nothing in the lyrics about a certain disease that is transmitted from direct blood contact.

2. Sacred Love

The vocals for this were infamously recorded by HR via telephone while he was locked up in D.C. jail for marijuana possession. The lo-fi quality of the vocals gives the song an ethereal feel making it stand out among the rest of their songs. As far as the lyrics go, yeah… love between two consenting adults should be sacred. Or if not sacred at least accepted?

1. Rock For Light

And finally, let’s end this list with a song with a message I think we can all (hopefully?) agree on. “We don’t want no war / We don’t need no violence / We just want what’s right / Some peace and love.” In fact, why don’t we all just go ahead and listen to this one on repeat for a while to help us all forget that that one song we’d all like to forget even exists?

Listen to the playlist:

Trump Most Excited to Return to Oval Office to See if Bucket of KFC He Stashed in Floorboards Still There

Posted on by Doug Kolic

PALM BEACH, Fla. — The recently reelected Donald Trump announced that he was most excited to return to the White House in order to locate the 18-piece bucket of fried chicken that he hid, according to nearby sources.

“We have so much unfinished business!” stated Trump as he forced J.D. Vance to taste test his Pretzel Baconator in case it was poisoned. “We need to close the border and fix this horrible economy that Biden left us, but my first act as leader of the free world will be to figure out where the hell I stashed that delicious bucket of the Colonel’s finest I hid somewhere in the floors before voluntarily leaving office in 2020. I’d ask Melania if she remembers, but she didn’t really spend much time here. Maybe one of her body doubles knows.”

White House security guard Danny Wales explained his interactions with Trump while he was out of office.

“Mr. Trump was caught numerous times over the past four years trying to sneak back in,” stated Wales. “But instead of secret documents that we figured he was trying to smuggle out, he always had some old fast food items that he was trying to scurry away with. We once caught him trying to dig up a box of McRibs that he hid under the North Lawn. And just a few weeks before the election, he showed up pretending to be the cable guy, in hopes of finding some Crazy Bread he put somewhere in the Lincoln Bedroom.”

Presidential historian Dominique McKenna revealed that outgoing presidents often hide important personal items before leaving office.

“It’s a well-known secret that all one-term presidents leave something behind,” said McKenna. “These men hope that one day they’ll return, similar to how tourists toss a coin into Rome’s Trevi Fountain. Franklin Pierce left behind his favorite bottle of Kentucky Bourbon, while rumor has it that George H.W. Bush hid a pair of his whimsical socks that he was known for wearing. Bill Clinton stashed used condoms for some reason. But I’ve never heard of anyone doing anything like that with food. That’s pretty gross.”

At press time, custodians announced that they had located the container of KFC under a floor tile in the bathroom, but confirmed that the bucket was empty except for leftover chicken bones and a few grease-smeared classified documents labeled “National Security.”

Opinion: There Is No “Male Loneliness Epidemic” If You Remember Bugs and Ghosts

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

Get ready for a truth bomb. I keep hearing about this new bullshit epidemic known as “male loneliness” and it makes me so mad, I wanna make a new friend out of spite. I’ve got good news for you, bros: you’re never alone! Technically, that is. Think about how many insects surround you at all times. Oh, and did you completely forget about the spirit realm? Thought so!

Think about how badass bugs are. They can bench like four times their weight. I think? Roaches can survive any doomsday scenario. You want to learn from cockroaches, my dude. Tenacious. Confident. Relentless. I study cockroaches to help me get better at approaching women in public.

You know how many bugs are around you right now? On the floor, on your skin. They’re inside you, bro. That’s hot. I let bugs crawl in my ears as an endurance test. That’s right, I can take it! Sometimes the comforting hum of all the insects in the world is enough to keep me going with the hustle, the sweat, the grind. I’m not crying, I’m totally fine.

I don’t know if you fuck with ghosts, but I had a wild Ouija board experience that changed things for me. Yeah, I was playing alone. What’s wrong with that? That shit is real. My ancestors are real. You wanna fight my ancestors? I didn’t think so!

Especially if you’re on the East Coast or in the South, those regions are littered with ghosts. I’m talking poltergeists in an eternal loop, blubbering on like some whiny beta. You are truly never alone with the spirit world, populated by floating pussy subs that won’t even make contact despite my debate abilities honed on Reddit.

How could you forget about ghosts and bugs, bro? There’s a whole world outside your narcissist pedestrian brain. Wake up, cut loose from society, man. This whole “male loneliness epidemic” is a myth propagated by dating apps. It’s a lie our woke culture has forced on us. Real men are fine being completely alone. I don’t miss my friends. I’ve got this! Who cares if I can’t find a roommate? Who needs a date past the first? Not me!

If you want to talk more about this, I’m super easy to contact. Feel free to reach out to me. Any time. Seriously, would love to chat. Not that I’m lonely! I’m surrounded by hundreds of spectral friends and creepy-crawly homies. I’m actually more popular than ever. I’m 100% fine, bro.

David Bowie Fan Has Completely Different Personality Every Time You See Them

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

ARKADELPHIA, Ark. — Friends of local David Bowie fan William Malloy report the young man has a completely different personality every time you see them.

“I saw him last week and he was this clean-cut mod guy,” said Slater while fretting over what to get Malloy for his birthday. “But a few hours later he had long frizzy hair and kept talking about space. Yesterday I ran into him and he was wearing a beautiful dress, but he kept saying how we’re all going to die in five years, which was a bummer. I tried to have coffee with him this morning, but he was worried he’d blow my mind if we did. Plus, he also goes by John, or Jesse, or Twiggy Moonstar, or Butterscotch Lightning, or any other name-of-the-week, which isn’t helping anything. Frankly, it’s like I’m meeting him for the first time every time, and I don’t mean that in a good way.”

Malloy defended his eclectic tastes.

“Bowie didn’t limit himself to one personality or outlook on life, so why should I?” reported Malloy while shopping in every section of a clothing store. “So what if I completely reinvent who I am once, twice, three times a day? What business is it of yours? It’s not my fault you’re set in your ways and don’t want to spend half your income on apparel. Maybe try opening your mind and looking at the world from a different point of view once in a while. I have a feeling that decades from now all of you will truly appreciate my range of interests and wardrobe choices.”

Long-time Bowie producer Tony Visconti has a unique point of view about Malloy’s eclectic personalities.

“The ironic part is that David stuck to the same routine every day, as best he could,” said Visconti while looking for his VHS copy of “Labyrinth.” “He rarely wanted to do anything different. Same breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day, same clothes, you name it. We had to practically hold a gun to his head to make him dress differently for each album cover. If it was up to him he’d have worn the same trousers and button up dress shirt every day. He’d always complain when we asked him to change the theme from record to record, but in the end he usually came around.”

At press time, Malloy was seen painting a lightning bolt on his face in preparation for a new passport photo.