SACRAMENTO, Calif. — California Governor Gavin Newsom declared a state of emergency after realizing it’s been well over two weeks since he was the center of attention, sources confirmed.
“This is a serious issue that needs to be addressed immediately. Some people said I should wait until Christmas and release a nice family photo that says ‘Happy Holidays from the Newsoms,’ but that’s just not feasible. There are too many cameras in California, and I need most of them on me at all times,” said Governor Newsom while flashing a smile to an intern. “A few months back I single-handedly solved homelessness in this great state by posing with a shovel at a cleared-out encampment, and nobody seems to be talking about that anymore. They say the problem is worse than ever, that we need a complete overhaul of our system, and they couldn’t be more wrong. It’s fixed, I fixed it. Now point your cameras at me while I smile and point. I even have a headline for you ‘Governor Newsom Shines Brighter Than the Stars Above.’ Print it, that will move units.”
At press time, Governor Newsom was caught on a hot mic reciting Patrick Bateman’s opening monologue in “American Psycho.”
