Oh, You Like Counting Crows? When Was the Last Time You Danced the Silence Down Through the Morning?

Posted on by Jeff Bender

Hey, man, I overheard you say you like “The” Counting Crows—not their name, but whatever. I happen to be a fan of that band myself. I see we’re even wearing the same “This Desert Life” beanie. Are you wearing it ironically, too? No, you’re probably dead-ass in love with that album. Go ahead, sing the second verse of “Mrs. Potter’s.” I don’t care if there are nine people at this party. And hey, just curious, when was the last time you danced the silence down through the morning?

“Nineteen ninety-FOUR”?! Are you serious? For me, it was yesterday, when I celebrated the 32½ birthday of “August and Everything After.” Yeah, I got up, threw on my baja, and ran through a field of grain and heather. Then, on my way back, between the rain, I sort of danced the silence down through the—well, I say “morning,” but really it was three o’clock.

I spent the rest of the day slugging from a bottle named “Maria” and staying at home with my disease. At some point I grabbed a gray guitar, stared into the future, and wished I was beautiful. But that’s just me—a real fan.

What do you say we turn our ticket in and slouch at a bar to stare at the beautiful women? “No”? You wouldn’t. Oh, you have “kids”? Man, that is so un-Duritz. They’re called “children,” by the way. Why would you have children? Duritz doesn’t have children.

Are you even white? Do you even have dreads? What’s the best music video featuring Courtney Cox? You better not say “Dancing in the Dark.”

I don’t mean to come on strong, man, I guess I’m just in one of my moods. It’s the pain, yeah? I stepped out the bathroom like a ghost and looked across a crowded room and saw you and thought maybe I was close to understanding Jesus. Well, I guess I’M the one who’s misunderstood. You’re just another poser-ass “fan” who doesn’t even wanna help me believe in anything. Sha-la-la-la-la, I guess. Uh-huh. Yeah.

But hey man, while we’re here, you know, let’s see you do it. Go on. “Dance the silence down through the morning.” I’ll count you in.

Shit, that’s actually not bad.

Jehovah’s Witness and Tool Fan Spend All Night Trying to Convert Each Other

Posted on by Tyler Roland

JEROME, Ariz. — Jehovah’s Witness Leonard Standish and Tool fan Don Schmidt spent all night spreading the gospel of their faith and fandom, exhausted sources verified.

“So this weirdo shows up at my house, right as I’m writing this overdue community college assignment about Maynard James Keenan’s masterful use of metaphor in ‘The Pot,’” Schmidt explained. “The guy’s trying to get me to see the light, but let’s just say my light shone a little brighter. I decided to invite this Jehovah fella in and introduce him to the magic of Tool. Also because I haven’t spoken to another human being in weeks. I know most people hear Tool, but do they listen to Tool? After our four-hour conversation and several consecutive listens to ‘Stinkfist,’ I’m still not sure he understood the teachings of ‘Ænima.’”

Standish, for his part, was equally alienated by the man who recently spent half of his life savings on a ticket to the band’s upcoming “Tool In the Sand” festival.

“We never get people giving us the time of day, so this was a welcome change of pace,” Standish began. “But as soon as I presented a copy of ‘The Watchtower Announcing Jehovah’s Kingdom,’ he shoved a ‘Lateralus’ CD in my face. This seemed blasphemous! Yet Don was the only one in his zip code that didn’t slam the door in my face or point a shotgun at me before I could get a word out. Finally, I was able to tell someone about our sect, albeit in exchange for a 45-minute rant on something called ‘Schism.’”

Anthropologist Walter Whittier sees this moment as a dramatic breakthrough in his studies.

“In my experience, the Dead – that is, the Grateful Dead – were the only band to have a cultural currency as befitting ‘anthropology of religion,’ as opposed to mere ethnomusicology,” Whittier elaborated. “Now, it seems we have a new discovery: that the most devout Tool fans are as invasive as Jehovah’s Witnesses. An incredible revelation. That’s almost like the time a Scientologist and a Radiohead fan accidentally spent all day attempting to convert each other.”

At press time, Standish and Schmidt were witnessed politely leaving one another after the whole night, vowing never to dig into the other’s preachings again.

First Year Photography Student Wondering if You’ve Ever Modeled Before

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

BOSTON — Freshman photography student Elias Carbone reportedly crossed four lanes of heavy traffic to ask you if you’ve ever modeled before and if you’d be interested in helping him with a school project, you confirmed while trying to hide your smile.

“I was just minding my own business when this guy with a camera came out of nowhere to tell me how beautiful I was. And I mean I definitely didn’t look cute, I was coming back from pilates so my hair was a mess, I ran out of contacts so I had to wear my glasses, and I was all sweaty. I’m not sure what he saw in me,” you said after sitting down to compose yourself. “He said ‘Beauty like mine needs to be preserved for the ages,’ can you believe that? I agreed to go to his apartment in Allston this weekend for a shoot. He told me to bring a few different outfits and to be prepared to ‘push my boundaries.’ I’m debating on whether I should tell my friends about this, I think they would probably be pretty jealous that they weren’t asked.”

Carbone admitted he asks multiple women a day if they would like to model for him.

“I want to be the next Terry Richardson or Marcus Hyde, and the best way to do that is to lure as many impressionable young women to my apartment and convince them to pose naked for me. I feel like my best bet is to ask women who look painfully insecure,” said Carbone. “I haven’t been able to convince any of my models to take off their clothes, they usually realize they made a big mistake and leave right away. But these are the tough lessons I need to learn. I want to get to that level of fame where A-list celebrities come to my defense saying how sweet and professional I am when some no-name accuses me of problematic behavior.”

Photography Professor Phillip Rouse says a majority of his male students use art as a way to see women naked.

“This has been going on since the camera was first invented. Young men will use a camera to position themselves as an authority on beauty in order to see a boob or two. I hate to admit it, but I did it myself,” said Professor Rouse. “But now things are different. As an educator, I’m able to exert my authority in a different way and I have students lining up to pose naked for me. I promise them a better grade or introductions to some of my established photographer friends. It’s almost too easy.”

“At press time, Carbone asked if you had any good-looking female friends that you might be comfortable kissing for a project about “taboo expression under the Trump regime.”

Adulting? This Woman Meal-Prepped By Ordering a Large General Tso’s Instead of a Small

Posted on by MJ Elliott

The benefits of meal prepping go beyond saving time and money. It also frees up your brain so you can spend less time thinking about what you’re going to make for dinner and more time thinking about important matters like, “Do all my coworkers secretly hate me?’” and “What if my parents die before they ever get a chance to be proud of me?”

After carefully weighing the pros and cons of ordering the large General Tsos chicken or the small, Door Dasher rewards member, Lilia Thompson decided to shell out the additional two dollars and fifty cents for the large order. “Financially, it will set me back a little, but that’s what investments are all about,” said Thompson. She’s even considering walking the four blocks to the Chinese restaurant instead of ordering delivery to count as this week’s workout.

Contrary to popular belief, fancy Tupperware is not necessary for meal-prepping. If you want to save time and effort, just dump the entire atrocity into a comically large bowl, pop it in the fridge, and cover it with a dinner plate. Although this method doesn’t seal in as much freshness as Tupperware, when you’re standing in front of your fridge pantless and drunk, still mourning a relationship that ended 4 years ago, and eating pork lo mein with your hands, freshness is not a priority.

While meal prepping has its benefits, eating the same thing every day can become monotonous. Reheating that takeout container that’s been begging to be put out of its misery since last Saturday for the fifth day in a row can start to tug at the strands of your sanity and lead you down an existential rabbit hole wherein you begin to ask yourself, “Is my life just one big version of ‘wash, rinse and repeat’?

On the last leg of her meal-prep race, just when the general Tsos chicken had been molecularly altered from time and constant reheating, and the rice had turned hard as gravel, Thompson felt she couldn’t bear to eat one more bite of last week’s takeout, she remembered she had half a bell pepper and some teriyaki sauce in the fridge and decided to make a nice little stir fry with what was left.

Dad Must Make Heart-Wrenching Decision Between Deleting Family Pictures or Drum Samples Off Hard Drive

Posted on by Jose Balderas

FULLERTON, Calif. — New dad and aspiring musician Gerry Malnati was forced to decide whether to delete pictures from previous vacations and gatherings with family or drum sample libraries from his hard drive to make space for a new Mac OS update, confirmed sources.

“It’s like a modern day Sophie’s choice,” said Malnati while rubbing his temples. “Once my wife asks to upload a few SD cards from our last trip to Knott’s Berry Farm I know I’ll be sitting at my desk late into the night trying to figure out if I should delete a picture of my daughter picking blueberries or another sweet, tight snare from the pop punk drum pack I got on sale during Black Friday 2022. But I know I’m going to accidentally delete the one picture my wife has been thinking about since we took so it means I usually just delete one of the 15 versions of a crash cymbal. It still hurts though. They’re like my children.”

Malnati’s wife relayed a previous experience she prefers to not relive.

“We knew this was a problem and required a sit-down talk after I went to pick up our Christmas Day pictures at Walgreen’s and they were just images of GarageBand waveforms for some ‘80s synthwave beats he had purchased as his own present,” said Mei Malnati. “I can’t keep paying for pictures of music he never plans to let me hear. It’s the only reason I bought him another portable hard drive. We have a good 25 of them and it’s still not enough.”

Best Buy Geek Squad manager Hank Concepcion explained how this is not a rare occurrence and is only becoming a growing problem.

“We’ve seen an uptick in fathers, husbands, and boyfriends rushing in at closing or opening requesting lost and deleted file retrieval,” said Concepcion. “It’s the reason we now offer a new 2-in-1 hard drive that allows users to store their precious family moments on one section and their own hobby junk in the other. Of course, it still means the owners need to show some restraint and discipline and not start saving the wrong items in the wrong section.”

As of press time, Malnati deleted pictures of his childhood dog from his portable hard drive to make room for guitar pedal plug-ins to replicate his real-life pedalboard.

Five Songs We Listened To This Week That ‘Ruined’ Our Valentine’s Day Dinner

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

While you were all picking out flowers, crafting love poems, and filling the deep and gooey pockets of Hershey and Hallmark this week, we were here putting in the real work. That’s right. We’ve spent this week of love listening to new music, playing it over the house speakers at our partner’s favorite restaurant, being interrogated by the owner in regard to how we connected to the Bluetooth, playing the songs even louder instead of answering to such wild allegations, getting escorted out of the restaurant by security, punching one of the guards, and finally getting dumped in the parking lot. All so you would know what new songs came out this week. We only ask for a little gratitude, but the least you can do is listen. Without further ado, here are five new songs we listened to while looking for a new place.

Chime Oblivion ‘Neighbourhood Dog’

The disturbingly prolific Jon Dwyer is back at it, because sleep is for the weak and he refuses to let his output fall below 4,000,000 songs a year. This time, he’s joined forces with Bow Wow Wow’s David Barbarossa to form a new band Chime Oblivion, which seems laser-focused on cornering the profoundly-sad-but-still-dancing-dad demographic. If you’ve longed for a track that gives you a strong urge to do burpees in a graveyard, this is your moment.
CHIME OBLIVION by John Dwyer

Star 99 ‘Pushing Daisies’

Star 99 is releasing their album ‘Gamut’ this summer. The quintet’s latest single, ‘Pushing Daisies,’ certainly fits the season. It evokes the feeling of setting a mid-2000s indie-rock track on fire and watching it slowly burn while evaluating every decision you’ve ever made. The chorus hits with the kind of sweet melancholy that makes you wish you cared more, but hey, at least it sounds good in the background while you try to figure out if you can still afford rent this month.

Scowl ‘B.A.B.E’

Hardcore bands dipping their toes into pop isn’t exactly groundbreaking—just ask your jaded older brother who’s still bitter about that band you’ve never heard of ‘selling out’ – but rarely does it hit as hard as whatever the hell Scowl is doing. Their latest single ‘B.A.B.E’ sounds like a top 40 ‘90s hit stabbed you in an alley. It’s the bubblegum punk song that plays at the roller rink while you take an inline to the head. It’s catchy AND intense is what we’re trying to say here.

PUP ‘Hallways’

PUP’s latest single, ‘Hallways,’ from their forthcoming album ‘Who Will Look After The Dogs?’ is the mid-life crisis anthem you never knew you needed, but won’t be able to live without. It’s the kind of song that makes you yearn for your glory days while reminding you they were probably a lot less glorious than you remember. Since this one dropped, we’ve had to cover all the windows in our office to prevent our staff from wistfully staring out of them for hours upon hours.

Vulfpeck ‘New Beastly’

Even punks like to dance, and believe it or not, not every song we listen to requires you to roundhouse kick a stranger in the face to bust a move. The groove on Vulpeck’s latest track, ‘New Beastly,’ is so infectious that the CDC would probably be involved if they weren’t getting dismantled next week. Feel free to try out some new steps to it —perhaps a tasteful knee pop, a shoulder shimmy… anything that doesn’t end with you in court for breaking someone’s nose.

Because we’re so selfless, thoughtful, and rational, we’ve compiled these and other songs into a nifty little playlist for you. You can save it below, and play it wherever Bluetooth devices provide control access for multiple devices and aren’t password protected.

Friend Who Brags About How Little Sleep He Needs Losing His Shit Again

Posted on by Cody Arbor

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Local man Timothy Kroeger reportedly lost his shit again despite bragging about how little sleep he needs on a nightly basis, confirmed sources.

“Thomas Edison famously only needed four hours of sleep a night and that guy invented lights or something. But anyway, it would be nice if everyone stopped driving so goddamn slow and quit screwing my day up. Hell, bro, I haven’t had my alpha wave or my aminos today, do you know how dangerous and downright feral I feel right now?!” Kroeger gesticulated while rubbing his temples. “If I don’t hit all the life metrics I’m set up for on my board, I am a total failure. And if that means getting a small handful of hours of shut-eye to be considered one of the greats, then fucking so be it! Also, I threw away my pillow because I heard on a podcast that it hinders creativity.”

Kroeger’s friend Aaron Abrigo confirmed this is not the first, second, or even third time that he has nearly lost his mind over a lack of sleep.

“Yeah, Tim’s just a really intense guy who just so happens to need six Monster Energy drinks a day to function,” said Abrigo. “It kinda feels like he’s competing against no one, or like a phantom ‘better version’ of himself? Regardless, that man can’t get through a single day without going off on a 7-Eleven cashier for running out of Taquitos. I heard he was on adderall for awhile, I remember him being a lot less insufferable, but apparently it was ‘stifling his chi flow’ and he didn’t like ‘some bitch with a stethoscope’ telling him what he could or couldn’t put in his body. I almost miss this version of him.”

Sleep expert Dr. Dahlia Patel couldn’t stress enough the importance of slumber.

“People that obsess over optimizing their productivity always end up sacrificing sleep for more output. But that always backfires and leads to a thousand creative projects that go unfinished, not to mention chronic health problems,” said Dr. Patel. “The bottom line is this: everyone needs sleep. Some people need seven hours, others need nine, there’s really no marker for who needs how much after a certain threshold. But there’s only one kind who claims to need less than four hours, and those people really shouldn’t be allowed to socialize with the general public.”

At press time, Kroeger’s boss complimented his productivity despite him falling asleep at his desk several times a day.

5 Side Hustles That Almost Make You Forget You Have To Work 85 Hours A Week To Make Ends Meet

Posted on by Tim Sheard

So you’re still living paycheck to paycheck despite having a degree and 15+ years of work experience—it’s probably time to look into a side hustle. You might ask, “How will I have time for a full-time job and a side gig when I already work overtime?” It’s simple! If you put your mind to it, you too, can fulfill your sole purpose of achieving maximum productivity during this fleeting moment in space and time. Here are 5 side hustles that will almost make you forget you have to work 85 hours a week to make ends meet.

Clinical Trial Participant

There are plenty of opportunities to donate your body to science in exchange for Amazon gift cards. With the amount of side effects you’ll be experiencing, you won’t even remember that you work more than you see your family. Bleeding orifices and heart palpitations can be quite distracting!

Oreo Flavor Tester

Who even knows what those little perverts at Oreo are up to. It’s almost like they get off on playing god. This is where you come in—all you have to do is try new flavors like “grandma’s couch,” “Nine Inch Nails,” and “burp remnants,” while a completely naked marketing team watches your reactions behind a two-way mirror. It’s honestly one of the easiest ways to make a cool $25 on a Wednesday.

Pet Taxidermist

The best part about this gig is that there is no training required—you can learn how to take the little guys apart and put them back together, just by watching YouTube videos. You really get to use your hands. Removing the innards of beloved pets and stuffing their dead bodies with synthetic materials is actually quite a meditative experience. It can help with any residual anxiety from working overtime, especially during the holidays.

Janitor at Porno Theater

Love cinema? Maybe you’re a huge fan of sex. Well, get ready for the best of both worlds. Kick back and relax during the credits of a pornographic film. After a long day at the office, this gig offers a textural playground of mystery fluids and a smell you’ll never forget.

Blood Bag for Rich Guy

There’s never a shortage of rich nerds looking for novel ways to become immortal. Try becoming their life source! Why waste time sleeping when you can drive three hours to an unmarked location on Google Maps to get drained dry in a stranger’s opulent foyer? There’s no way you’ll be hunted for sport on your way out. You’re much too valuable.

As my own side hustle, I am offering my services to help you find your next side gig over. For a small fee of just $79.99 a year, you can receive my real expert guidance over a bowl of broccoli cheddar soup at Panera Bread.

Jeff Dunham’s Most Racist Puppet Tapped to Host White House Correspondents’ Dinner

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — The White House Correspondents’ Association surprised potential guests by announcing Jeff Dunham’s most racist puppet, Bubba J, will host their annual dinner event in hopes of attracting President Trump, sources confirmed.

“The Correspondents’ Dinner is a wonderful event where we get to raise money and lightly roast the Commander-in-Chief, but historically President Trump hasn’t attended because he’s afraid someone might make fun of his hair, his weight, how bad he smells, his huge ass, his makeup, his terrible children, his subpar intellect, his multiple felonies, just to name a few,” said WHCA Officer Sara Lockerbie. “We know Bubba J isn’t like our normal hosts. Bubba J likes NASCAR, drinking Bud Light, and eating roadkill. We figure maybe the president will like that more than an SNL cast member. But hey, with how things are going right now, most journalists might be executed before the event so this could all be pointless.”

Bubba J admitted he was initially hesitant to accept the offer to host.

“I heard they were serving dinner, but I doubt it was anything I’d like. I like to eat me some possum and skunk stew fresh from the highway,” said Bubba J while pausing for laughter that will never come. “I’m just your average guy. I like watching car races, storming government buildings, and setting the woods on fire behind my house. I’d love the President to hear some of my jokes. I got a really good one about how toads should be able to drive, and how I love to drink beers. I’ve also got some great material about maintaining the purity of the American bloodline that will crush. In fact, David Duke loved my act when the KKK put on a Comedy Central-like roast of him.”

President Trump still has not given any indication if he will attend the event or not.

“I’ve seen the comedians that host the dinner. They aren’t funny. At my campaign stops I always had people laughing. I say we need to lock up Hilary Clinton and they double over laughing. People tell me I’m the funniest person in the world. Just the other day I had Joe Rogan come up to me, very funny man, a short man, way shorter than you might think, and he tells me I should do standup,” said Trump. “I’ve seen Bubba J before, I have to admit he’s pretty good, but I don’t like the people he hangs around with. There is that skeleton terrorist, that’s a bad dude. And the jalapeno friend of his is even more dangerous. Keep that puppet away from your daughter.”

At press time, Dunham admitted to being in awe of Elon Musk’s puppet work with President Trump.

Trump Claims Illegal Immigrants Taking Up Majority of Guest List Spots at Sold-Out Shows

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump attempted to justify his policy of mass deportations by claiming illegal immigrants are taking up the majority of all guest list spots at sold-out shows and concerts working Americans so desperately want to attend, sources confirmed.

“Joe Biden opened our borders and let some of the most sadistic criminals from all over the world into this country. Those people came here to do a bunch of illegal stuff, stuff so illegal I don’t even want to talk about it because it will give you nightmares, but they also came to take up coveted guest list spots that average Americans depend on to see their favorite musical acts,” said Trump. “Just the other day, I had a Marine come up to me, a real tough guy, he was so distraught and looked like he’d been crying. He said to me ‘Mr. Trump, I love you, you are the reason I decided to be born and serve this country. But I tried to see my favorite rock band the other night, but the guest list was all members of MS-13.’ I’m going to make sure this never happens again.”

Immigration advocates claim this is just more fear-mongering from the Trump administration.

“Trump has been claiming that migrants are taking up guest list spots since he announced his first campaign in 2015. We crunched the numbers and found that since 2016 less than .000000000001% of guest list attendees have been undocumented. The majority of migrants are honest, law-abiding people who are here to do jobs most Americans refuse to do, they aren’t here to mosh at an American Nightmare anniversary show,” said Anna Gomez, an immigration lawyer in Philadelphia. “Historically, guest list spots are reserved for the band’s girlfriends or boyfriends, old roommates, and a few acquaintances who are brave enough to text a band member they haven’t talked to in years in hopes of getting into a show for free.”

Dusty Wiltz, the lead vocalist and guitarist of a pro-Trump rock group MAGAnified, hopes the president’s policies will help the low attendance at his band’s shows.

“We have been playing every county fair and dive bar we can and so far we’ve only sold about 15 t-shirts. I firmly believe it’s because the Biden administration screwed the economy so bad that people are afraid to listen to live music,” said Wiltz. “It’s clear that people are scared to go outside because they will be sex trafficked by a Mexican drug cartel that Kamala Harris funded with her campaign money. Once all these criminals are out of the country MAGAnified fans will be out in full force and we will be selling out arenas across the South.”

President Trump is also expected to sign an executive order stating that all sound guys must be assigned male at birth.