Crushing Blow Dealt to Oligarchy as Local Man Creates Bluesky Account

Posted on by Trevor Graham

DULUTH, Minn. — The massive tech billionaire-run oligarchy suffered a devastating blow today as local account coordinator and frisbee golf enthusiast, Michael Murray, created an account on the new social media platform Bluesky, sources who are not even sure where reality ends and nightmares begin anymore confirmed.

“I don’t really want to brag, but yeah, I am proud of myself for doing my part to take down these tech oligarchs who run all of our lives,” said a satisfied Murray. “It’s not every day you get the chance to take on the ruling class and it can be scary to make a change but sometimes you gotta step up and do the right thing. The next thing I had to do after taking a stand is spreading the word so I’ve been posting on Instagram about it all day. The people need to know it’s time to unite and fight back!”

Some who work for Bluesky say that while they certainly appreciate the number of recent new users they do not seem to share the same ideology as to what is fueling the uptick.

“Yes, we are absolutely thrilled that people like Mr. Murray and so many others have recently joined our platform and we look forward to continued growth in market share which Meta and X currently dominate,” said Bluesky executive Dan Smith. “And we will of course continue to be an ad-free, pro-free-speech platform until such time that we want to actually start making money. With the goal of course getting to a Zuckerbergian-level of megalomaniacal billionaire supervillain. That’s the dream we, and everyone who gets into this business, are hoping to achieve.”

Social media historian Kelsey Lambert says that Bluesky currently acquiring large numbers of naive activists is something the industry has seen many times before.

“First of all, can you please not laugh every time I say I am a social media historian? It is a real job. And secondly, the trajectory we are seeing Bluesky on is very similar to other smaller platforms which also ostensibly started with more philanthropic intentions such as Snapchat, TikTok, and even Google Plus,” said Lambert. “The perception of an SM company going from an underdog app for the people to an omniscient Orwellian nightmare happens around the time it actually starts to make a profit. We’ve seen it time and again in the field of social media history. Again, please don’t laugh.”

At press time, Murray said he was going to see the end of the climate crisis by starting to do Meatless Mondays.

If This Applebees Didn’t Want Patrons Hurled Across the Bar, Then They Shouldn’t Have Put “I’m Shipping up to Boston” on Their Touchtunes

Posted on by Laura Lewis

Look, I know I’m not perfect. Me and my boys, we got a reputation for getting a little riled up at times. Maybe we could stand to work on that. But at the end of the day, I can’t change who l am. I’m an Irish catholic gym rat named Mark—one of thousands living in this city—and if Applebees didn’t want all that smoke, then they shouldn’t have Dropkick Murphys’ “I’m Shipping Up to Boston” on their touchtunes.

It all started when I went out looking for some green Michelob Ultra to celebrate St Paddy’s. (Normally, I’d go for a Guinness, but I’m doing a cut right now.) The Applebees was the only place in the area that had what I needed, so since it wasn’t an authentic Irish pub, I took it upon myself to make it feel like one, right?

So I sat down at the u-shaped bar, yeah, and the bartender gave me the lowdown. She gave me a menu and told me about TouchTunes, an app that works like a virtual jukebox. I downloaded the app, and it was wicked easy to find what I was looking for. I mean, there was no Pantera or Trapt on there, which was a red flag, I guess, but there was plenty to choose from that fit the St. Paddy’s theme.

I paid my $1.99, and Applebees took my $1.99, so I should have been able to do what I want with it, right? Plus, I ordered round after round of tater tots and green beer, shouldn’t that count for something? But here I am, sitting on the sidewalk, talking to Boston’s finest. All this because a man was allegedly thrown behind the bar counter, allegedly damaging the entire supply of Tito’s vodka and 2 TVs on Paddy’s weekend. TVs that were showing the Celts game and Boondook Saints, respectively, l might add.

Anyway, so Dropkick plays because I paid an ADDITIONAL $1.99 to skip the line, and my memory’s a little fuzzy from here on, but words were exchanged and honor demanded that another man be lifted bodily and hurled across the bar Roadhouse-style. The bartender called the authorities, and that’s how I ended up here on the sidewalk talking to you fine folks.

By the way, have you seen my thin blue line punisher tattoo? It’s not just a look, it’s a lifestyle. Nothing but respect for my boys in uniform. So you don’t need to keep reminding me that I have the right to remain silent with increasing force. You don’t need to be here at all!

The real enemy here, I think you’ll agree, is this establishment. They dished it out, but they couldn’t take it. Should have called the woke police, am I right? I’ll just be on my way, and I’ll see you all at mass tomorrow.

“These Aren’t Your Dad’s Skinny Jeans” Claims Advertisement That Doesn’t Know What the Fuck It’s Talking About

Posted on by Tim Mehew

NEW YORK — Local ad agency Brunch Menu launched a new advertising campaign that simply read, “These aren’t your dad’s skinny jeans,” confusing every onlooker who was unfortunate to be within eyesight of it, confirmed sources who were less inclined to buy the product after seeing it.

“Skinny jeans are back and they’re not for people who listened to indie sleaze or emo in the mid-2000s who now have three kids and an unsettling inability to change with the times,” said Senior Marketing Coordinator Brad Dudley. “No! You and all your very youthful friends can bask in the unaccommodating rigidity of this new line of skinny jeans from the up-and-coming brand Tarred and Feathered. Sure, your dad might think they’re kind of neat, but we assure you, he is a nerd. His wants, needs, and opinions must be vanquished. Also, it’s not easy to come up with flashy ads nowadays. Unfortunately, we as an industry will never be able to replicate a Jake From State Farm or Geico gecko. Let us have this one.”

Those who noticed the ad didn’t quite understand what it was going for.

“I expect better from an advertisement on the subway platform,” said 19-year-old Lou Dawson. “I mean, I have no idea what they’re trying to convey here. For one, my dad evidently wore JNCOs back in the day, not skinny jeans, and I would kill to own a pair of them. Plus, my dad listens to Alice in Chains, Deftones, and Korn, so he rules. Dad is the best. I exclusively buy pants that my father would’ve worn in the late ‘90s. The bigger, the better. Nice try, advertisement. I find it alarming when an ad aims to separate me from my family.”

Experts noted an unnerving trend in current marketing strategies.

“Ad agencies have been struggling in recent years to get their intended audience to buy the products they’re promoting,” said analyst Dane Brunell. “So they’ve been trying to get more aggressive and downright vicious at times. Anthropologie recently put out an ad that read, ‘These mom jeans ain’t your mom’s jeans. Fuck that bitch.’ Then there was Urban Outfitters whose ad just said, ‘All 38-year-olds must die and go to Hell.’ It wasn’t even promoting a specific product or anything. Dire times we live in.”

At press time, Brunch Menu doubled down on the campaign by putting out a second confusing ad that read, “These aren’t your grandfather’s carabiner keychains.”

Noise Festival Sponsored by Harbor Freight Tools and Excedrin

Posted on by Chris Bowen

GAINESVILLE, Fla. — Local noise festival Thwack Fest announced it would be partnering with their sponsors Harbor Freight and Excedrin to give festivalgoers a weekend they wish they could forget, confirmed sources who could use a pain reliever now that you mention it.

“We couldn’t get Home Depot or Advil on such short notice, which was our first choice, but overall we are happy in the end,” said festival organizer Chase Bradshaw with his fingers in his ears to muffle the sounds of a performer using a buzzsaw over high-pitched electronic feedback. “Tylenol initially approached us about being a sponsor, but I’m sorry, we as the preeminent noise festival just will not stand for an inferior product that’s a placebo at best. Anyway, Excedrin was generous enough to provide us with free samples, which pairs well with the $11 bottles of Aquafina we will sell. Plus, there will be a booth where you can try out Harbor Freight tools to see if they will work as instruments in your noise band. And hey, if you do any construction work and have chronic back pain, even better. Most noise fans typically do.”

Fans in attendance couldn’t help but notice the sponsors.

“The enormous Monster Energy-like banners for Excedrin behind every band on stage and their mascot that was an anthropomorphic pill with the letter ‘E’ on it were a little excessive, but once you tuned it out it was a pretty sick show,” said festival attendee Clay Holmstead. “Either way, the live demonstrations of safe jackhammer and circular saw usage in between sets really added to the ambiance. Plus, I saved 20% on a cordless hedge trimmer. Sure, I don’t have a yard, but it’s really going to do wonders on the noise demo I’m working on.”

Experts were quick to note similar instances for outdoor concert series.

“Festivals are always looking for brands that target a specific fanbase to sponsor their events,” said music historian Sam Eldridge. “Shoegaze festivals are usually subsidized by Dyson, Eureka, and Hoover vacuum cleaner brands for their whirring sounds. Goth fests are typically sponsored by local funeral homes, headstone manufacturers, and exotic crow breeders. And nu metal events get funded by Coors Light, chain wallet brands, and bail bond agencies. See? Music festivals are a perfect way to advertise your product.”

At press time, noise fans at the festival once again mistook the sounds of a belt sander and leaf blower at the Harbor Freight booth for their favorite band.

Opinion: I’m in a Good Place Today, I Bet I Can Handle Googling Gene Hackman Death + Details

Posted on by Dan Rice

Well, it’s been a long and particularly depressing winter, and it started to feel like it would never end, but wouldn’t you know it, spring has sprung. Between the lack of sunlight and the hellfire of world events lately, I got pretty down in the dumps, but now I’m back to getting my steps in, making healthier meal choices, hell I’ve even started meditating. Yes sir, for the first time in a long time, I am mentally in a good place. In fact, I’m so well-balanced, I bet I can google the details of Gene Hackman’s death without spiraling.

As a lifelong movie fan, I was of course saddened by the news that Gene Hackman had been found dead along with his wife and dog at their home last month. I tried to remind myself that he was 95 years old, lived an accomplished life, and that dying on your sleep of carbon monoxide poisoning, while tragic, is a relatively peaceful way to go. Then, when reports started coming in that the deaths were not as simple as that, I decided that for mental health reasons, I would not look into the story further. Well, you know what? I think I’m ready.

How bad could it be? It’s not like they were all beheaded or something; I definitely would have heard about that. I’m so stable that I’m back to checking the news every day. If I can handle witnessing the decline of America first-hand, I don’t think the details of one little celebrity’s demise, however macabre they may be, are going to rock my applecart. What’s the worst that could happen?

Okay, worst-case scenario, I suppose if the story is particularly gut-wrenching, and given the fact that Hackman was an actor whose work I have something of an emotional attachment to, maybe, and it’s a long shot mind you but maybe, looking into it would open some sort of depressive floodgate inside of me and, coupled with the worrisome state of the world today, cause me to spiral into oblivion, but that seems highly unlikely. Besides, what’s life without a little risk?! Okay, here I go!

Oh wow, she was like 30 years younger than him, huh? Yeah, okay, that’s a bummer, still had a lot of life left to live I suppose. Well, what are you gonna do?

Oh, Hackman had dementia pretty bad huh? Guess she was basically his caregiver. Well, I’m not gonna lie, that’s depressing, but hey, such is life. Wait, how did she die?

A mouse bite?! She died of hantavirus contracted by a mouse bite?! Fuck, that can happen! God, life is so random and cruel. Wait, if she died from a mouse bite how did he…

THREE DAYS! He just wandered around the house confused for three days until his heart stopped?! Just aimlessly puttering around, maybe thinking he’s Lex Luthor or Poppey Doyle or the guy from “Nightmoves” and discovering his dead wife’s body over and over?! That’s hell! That is literally a state of hell! Well, what about the dog?

You know what? I’m done. If anyone needs me, I’ll be in my bedroom with the blinds closed, re-downloading a bunch of fast food delivery apps.

New Conspiracy Theory Suggests Neil Armstrong Faked Orgasm During Moon Landing

Posted on by Matt Husser

HOUSTON — Conspiracy theorist Giovanni Holland took to YouTube today to reveal a new theory alleging Neil Armstrong faked his infamous orgasm during the 1969 Apollo Moon Landing, sources confirmed.

“The story that the deep state has been feeding us for years claims that Neil Armstrong’s first orgasm on the moon wasn’t just one small nut for man, but one giant skeet for all mankind—But what if I told you that I have smoking gun evidence that proves that while the Eagle landed, Neil Armstrong’s meat rocket never actually achieved liftoff?” said Holland, teasing his new YouTube series The Moonshot Deception. “Listen to the calm timbre of Armstrong’s voice, does that sound like the orgasmic excitement of the first man to jizz on an alien world?”

NASA scientist Gunther Schwartz called the conspiracy theory “ludicrous” after personally witnessing Armstrong ejaculate vigorously during training.

“The idea that Neil Armstrong would endure seven years of astronaut training, travel 240,000 miles and get as close to God as any human being has ever been just to fake an orbit-altering orgasm is patently absurd,” said Schwartz, looking at a framed, autographed tissue. “In fact, I myself was present to witness Armstrong reach climax hundreds of times in the flight simulator. Just because he wasn’t howling like a dog in heat like Buzz Aldrin doesn’t mean that he didn’t have a perfectly dignified orgasm appropriate for the historic occasion.”

Fellow Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin was reportedly furious that someone would question the veracity of his co-astronaut’s orgasm upon landing on the moon.

“If I ever meet this Holland character I’ll punch that son of a bitch in the mouth, cause I got a real problem with these peckerwoods claiming they know what happened up there when we all know damn well they couldn’t even get it up with 5Gs of gravitational force pressing down on their flaccid little chubs,” said Aldrin during a fiery rant. “Now did Michael Collins pop his champagne cork a little early? Sure, but what mortal man wouldn’t when gently caressing the supple curves of that goddess Luna at 9,300 feet per second?”

Holland’s next documentary, The Warren Cummission, alleges a new JFK conspiracy claiming there was no shooter on the Grassy Hole.

Study Shows Birthrate Decline Linked to Prevalence of Other People’s Children at Breweries

Posted on by Amber Hendrix

RICHMOND, Va. — A recent study from the University of Richmond revealed a startling link between the declining U.S. birth rate and the increase in other people’s children at breweries.

“There’s little doubt that Americans are increasingly delaying or forgoing parenthood,” explained lead researcher and craft beer enthusiast Susan Morgan. “But the question is always, ‘why?’ We developed a standardized questionnaire that could be administered at local establishments. And let’s just say Richmond proved to be very fertile ground for our research. We found that the majority of both undecided adults and those planning to start families were personally against procreation after spending the equivalent of just 20 minutes at a local brewery, cidery, or distillery. Something about the sound of crying babies when you’re trying to get day drunk while sitting around a barrel playing Uno with friends turns people off to parenthood.”

There was a notable gender split, where 86% of women surveyed decided against parenthood solely due to brewery experiences, while only half of men did.

“Fathers are probably more likely to view taking a child to a brewery as a bonding experience, albeit an indirect one,” speculated study co-author Gwen Ware. “Women often consider the practical aspects of child-rearing, like gestation, ensuring a child survives into adulthood, or the ability to take your toddler in public without it screaming directly into the ears of strangers, whereas previous research suggests men are more likely to compartmentalize. In other words, integrating a child into things they already like to do probably sounds ‘really cool’ to a dad, as long as they don’t really have to do any of the heavy lifting.”

Brewery employee James Parker seemed to confirm the findings.

“Honestly, the kids sometimes suck, but the adults who are supposed to watch them are worse,” said Parker while mopping a spill made by a patron of unspecified age. “Either way, after one week of working here, I got a vasectomy and deleted my Hinge account. There’s just no way I want to accidentally father one of these things. On top of that, don’t get me started on the beloved ‘small business owner’ who pays us shit and actively union busts.”

At press time, Dr. Morgan conducted a follow-up study revealing a link between dogs at breweries and people suddenly having an urge to adopt a Golden Retriever.

Opinion: I Should Get HomeGoods Rewards Points for the Stuff I Shoplift From There as Well

Posted on by James Knapp

Corporate credit rewards policy in this country has gone straight to hell. And HomeGoods is the most corporate credit hell of them all. Frankly I don’t even know why I got this rewards card in the first place if those greedy capitalists won’t honor all the points I earned on stuff I managed to sneak past the security sensors.

I’m not gonna lie. A not insignificant amount of my income is dependent on the rewards points I get from various, chain, economy bullshit stores, like the Gap or Fuddruckers. But HomeGoods, man, those guys will just not give me my due no matter how much shit I steal from them.

It’s not even like it’s a matter of if I’m self-reporting my thieving accurately. All those cashiers see this very big coat I’m wearing and know exactly how many Belgian waffle makers are missing from the inventory. Give me my points you cheap bastards!

I even had a system all worked out. For every dollar worth of stuff that I steal that means one trillionth of a dollar I get back in store credit for food processors that break easily. Then I trade those trillionths back to the store in a loophole that I haven’t found yet in the store’s rewards policy — that’s the part I’m still working on.

Though I admit it hasn’t quite worked out the way I planned so far, once it finally does I’ll actually be able to pay back my bookie enough to keep what’s left of one of my knees.

Honestly, I stole from HomeGoods every single day last year and still somehow ended up eighty grand in the hole. But that’s just an example of why this store’s extremely corporate-sided policy needs to change.

So for now, I guess I’ll just keep making free with bargain-priced condiments and discontinued, carcinogenic Bluetooth speakers the old-fashioned way until those capitalist jerks acknowledge my right to free stuff earned with rewards points instead.

Thrash Metal Fan Listens to Doom Metal Records at 78 RPM

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

OAKLAND, Calif. — Local thrash metal fan Zack Holloway reportedly plays doom metal records at 78 RPM in a desperate attempt to make them sound like his music genre of choice, sources confirmed.

“I can only assume this is how doom metal is supposed to be played,” said Holloway. “Sure, the vocalists sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks at this speed, but what do you do when you’ve burned through every thrash metal recording ever made—multiple times? You make thrash where you least expect it! When I initially put two and two together I rushed to Dino’s and bought every classic doom record they had. I got home, threw on ‘Epicus Doomicus Metallicus’ at the highest RPM possible, and it was like I’d uncovered a lost Artillery record…sort of. When I run out of doom metal records, I’ll be moving onto the entire shoegaze catalog.”

Brendan O’Neill, a local doom metal enthusiast and Holloway’s former roommate-turned-sworn enemy, is horrified by the experiment.

“Zach’s need for speed will be to his detriment,” O’Neill sneered. “It’s honestly offensive that he’s headbanging to ‘Born Too Late’ like it’s ‘Bonded by Blood.’ Those Christian freaks would call it sacrilegious, but I call it fucking pathetic. It doesn’t even sound like thrash! He’s just a close-minded prick. He cannot play musical God like this. I fucking hate that dude. I hope one of these doom records flies off his turntable and decapitates him. I know that sounds harsh, but thrash fans should really be guillotined for their crimes against humanity.”

Music journalist Christine Salazar isn’t surprised by Holloway’s experiment.

“People have been messing with music speed and structure for ages,” said Salazar. “The Velvet Underground and Frank Zappa were doing it in the ‘70s, DJ Screw in the ‘90s, and then you have nightcore and major labels releasing sped-up remixes. Some people prefer fast music and others like it slow as shit. And if you don’t like a particular genre, just alter it until you do. Bands love it when you change their sound to suit your personal preferences.”

At press time, Holloway took his obsession further, experimenting with playing grindcore records on a turntable with a 16 RPM setting.

Trump Instructs New Secretary of Education to Shut Down “Abbott Elementary”

Posted on by Doug Kolic

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump directed his soon-to-be Secretary of Education, Linda McMahon, to immediately shut down the predominantly black school from the TV show “Abbott Elementary,” according to nearby sources not entirely surprised.

“There’s no place for DEI in America’s schools,” blurted out Trump as he interrupted a high-level meeting about the Gaza war. “Our education system has been in decline for decades, with the specific exception of 2016-2020 when our kids had the biggest brains of all time, which is why it’s vital for us to cancel funding to any schools that are filled with unqualified hires like at Abbott. What the Democrats have allowed to happen is a disgrace, so it’s time to bring us back to our golden age, like when we used to have real Americans in classrooms like those wonderful kids and teachers from ‘90210’ and those beauties from ‘Dawson’s Creek.’”

Cast member Quinta Brunson understandably alarmed by the President’s odd declaration.

“Can someone just tell me when this guy’s dead already?” said Brunson as she walked out of her trailer. “Ever since he won reelection, we’ve been receiving dozens of letters from him about shutting down our ‘school.’ We thought it must have been a prank or something since we assumed the President would be busy with more important things, but apparently not. We all had a good laugh, before the producers just piled up the letters under one of the window sills where the pigeons like to hang out. Now they’re just as full of shit as he is.”

Presidential historian Gilbert Schafer explained how the current administration is waging war on anything, real or fictional, they perceive as DEI.

“We all know it doesn’t make sense that Trump is trying to shut down a school from a fictional TV program because he doesn’t like how many people of color are represented on it, but what can I tell you, this is the shit show we voted for,” said Schafer. “There’s also reports that his crusade will go beyond Abbott, with rumors he’s also trying to replace all repeats of ‘Blackish’ with airings of ‘Yellowstone,’ as well as getting Will Smith’s character from ‘Fresh Prince’ banned from attending Bel-Air Academy altogether and replacing him with Larry the Cable Guy.”

At press time, Trump instructed ICE to arrest A.C. Slater as he walked into Bayside High.