Hey girl, saw you across the coffee shop, your face buried in a book, looking all sexy by asking the barista for ice because your tea is too hot. I thought to myself “Damn, I should tell her one of the many interesting facts I know,” so here it goes.
You remember that band No Doubt from the 90’s? Well, on their first three albums, they had a founding member who was a keyboardist. Not just any keyboardist either, it was Gwen Stefani’s brother Eric who left when the band hit big to focus on his animation career…
Pretty wild bit of trivia huh? Well, that’s the kind of guy I am, wild. Yeah, can’t blame you for blushing at me knowing this knowledge, just like how you can’t blame Eric Stefani for leaving. He was the character layout artist for the first nine seasons of The Simpsons. Not to mention the intro for Honey I Shrunk The Kid and post John K episodes of Ren and Stimpy. So next time you watch Stimpy donate the fat from his buttcheeks to be surgically turned into Ren’s muscles, you can now think to yourself that one of the people drawing on that was also recording Tragic Kingdom on the side.
Because you said “Oh, that’s nice” I’m assuming this conversation is going great and you’d love to learn more.
Well, uh, did you know that Dana Carvey’s brother invented the Video Toaster, a revolutionary device in video making? If you want to come to my apartment I can show you it as long as we don’t disturb my roommates who work remotely. We can also watch a movie and I can point out every time an animal noise is voiced by Frank Welker… but hey no pressure… or implications from coming over to my place, heh
I see you’re back to reading your book so you probably didn’t hear that last part. That’s okay, I’ll let my soft words just seep into your subconscious and you will know to come to my end of the coffee shop once you’re done reading. I’ve got a tidbit about Tony Todd’s contract while shooting “Candyman” that I think is gonna rock your world.
This legendary female Sasquatch, affectionately known as Patty, is advocating for women’s bodily autonomy and reproductive rights. “It’s crucial for every woman to have control over her own body and choices,” Patty stated emphatically. She emphasizes that just as she protects her own domain and makes decisions that impact her well-being and that of her kin, women must also have the autonomy to make decisions about their own lives. As a result, Patty the Bigfoot is voting for Kamala Harris.
Known for its formidable presence and mysterious ways, Wisconsin’s Beast of Bray Road is a staunch supporter of hardline Republican values, particularly emphasizing strong rural traditions and family structures. “Our rural communities have long thrived on shared values, hard work, and close-knit family bonds,” the beast stated. “We need a leader who will fight the ‘woke agenda’ and will protect us from the encroachment of radical changes that threaten to undermine our traditions and way of living.” The Beast of Bray Road is firmly endorsing Donald Trump.
The Jersey Devil has revealed a surprisingly pro-union stance, advocating for workers’ rights and fair wages. As a long-time Teamster, the Jersey Devil has seen firsthand the challenges faced by workers and is committed to improving conditions for laborers. “I’ve seen too many hard working folks get the short end of the stick,” it screeched from the Pine Barrens. “We need someone who fights for the people, not just the big bosses.” With this in mind, the Jersey Devil is voting for Kamala Harris.
Known for its wild antics and unpredictable behavior, the Florida Skunk Ape has embraced the role of a true “Florida Man” in the political arena. “I love the chaos, the excitement, the drama!” it exclaimed, waving a Let’s Go Brandon flag. “Trump’s the only one who gets it!” The Skunk Ape is against draining the swamp, however, as it is his natural habitat. The Florida Skunk Ape is obviously backing Donald Trump.
This harbinger of doom has turned its ominous gaze towards America’s crumbling infrastructure. “Bridges collapsing, roads full of potholes, and outdated power grids – it’s a disaster waiting to happen,” Mothman warned. “We need someone who prioritizes rebuilding and modernizing our country. This will create thousands of badly needed jobs in the area. JD Vance pretends to be from ‘round here, but he doesn’t understand the struggles of the common man.” The Mothman is voting for Kamala Harris.
Emerging from the misty banks of the Little Miami River, the Loveland Frogman is a staunch advocate for cleaning up our waterways. “Our rivers and streams are in dire need of attention,” it croaked. “We need a leader who prioritizes environmental health and the preservation of natural habitats.” With a focus on environmental policies and waterway restoration, the Loveland Frogman is voting for the Green Party Candidate.
This elusive creature from Dover, Massachusetts wishes for even more chaos during this already hectic campaign season.“Humanity’s time is up,” the Dover Demon declared with an unsettling calmness. Aligning itself with dark forces and apocalyptic visions, the Dover Demon is casting its vote for third-party candidate Naf’Sung The Ancient One, believing that Naf’Thung will usher in the chaos and destruction necessary for the demon’s plans
Emerging from the gritty streets of inner-city Detroit, the Nain Rouge is a fierce advocate for all things Detroit. “This city is my heart and soul,” it proclaimed with pride. “From the music to the sports teams, to the resilient spirit of its people.” Emphasizing a deep love for the Motor City and its unique culture, the Nain Rouge is casting its vote for Eminem, believing that the hometown hero will represent and champion the true spirit of Detroit on the national stage.
Known for its mysterious, ghostly presence, the Fresno Nightcrawler is a fervent supporter of the “Don’t Tread on Me” philosophy. It’s all about personal freedom and minimal government interference. “We need a leader who respects our individual rights and freedoms,” the Fresno Nightcrawler declared. The Fresno Nightcrawler will be voting for Donald Trump.
In staunch opposition to his West Virginian counterpart The Mothman’s standings, the Flatwoods Monster is a die-hard supporter of coal jobs and traditional industries. “We need to bring back the jobs that made this country great,” it insisted. “To bring back that tradition, I support United Mine Workers of America President John L. Lewis, who died in 1969 and whose ghost has lots of unfinished business.” The Flatwoods Monster is enthusiastically voting for the ghost of John L. Lewis, dead President of the United Mine Workers of America.
Hailing from the eerie landscapes of South Dakota, the Badlands Banshee is a spectral figure deeply concerned about the recent shifts in the Supreme Court’s decisions. This female cryptid, known for her mournful wails that echo through the Badlands, has voiced her unease about what she perceives as a troubling erosion of rights and liberties. “The direction the Supreme Court has taken is deeply concerning,” she lamented. With a firm belief in restoring balance and protecting fundamental rights, the Badlands Banshee is casting her vote for the reanimated corpse of Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Deep in the rural expanses of Arkansas lives the the Fouke Monster, and they have a unique perspective on local politics. Embracing the nostalgic appeal of a familiar face, it’s throwing its support behind former President Bill Clinton. “Bill understands small-town values and the needs of rural communities,” the Fouke Monster declared. “His policies brought prosperity to places like mine, and we need that kind of leadership again.” With a deep appreciation for Clinton’s legacy in rejuvenating the economic landscape of rural America, the Fouke Monster has decided to endorse Bill Clinton.
Known for his controversial stances and unconventional beliefs, the Lizard Man of Scape Ore Swamp has made his political preferences clear. This cryptid is not content with the current state of human governance and believes it’s time for the underground kingdom of the lizard people to rise up and take their rightful place ruling over humanity. “My people have waited thousands of years to take their rightful place above ground,” the Lizard Man proclaimed. “We need a leader who will rule the surface world and put humans in their place, on their knees.” With this vision in mind, the Lizard Man is casting his vote for Esspor the IV, King of the Lizard People.
Deeply troubled by the treatment of illegal immigrants, the Chupacabra has emerged as a passionate advocate for humane immigration policies. This elusive creature believes that every individual deserves compassion and fair treatment, regardless of their status. “As an immigrant myself, this is very personal to me. It’s essential to address the injustices faced by immigrants and ensure that their rights are protected,” the Chupacabra stated. The Chupacabra is staunchly voting for Kamala Harris in the 2024 election with hopes of pushing the Democrat part left.
Disillusioned with the current political landscape, the Michigan Dogman has decided that none of the candidates are worthy of his vote. “I’m tired of empty promises and broken systems,” he growled. “None of these candidates understand what it means to truly protect and serve our communities.” With this sentiment, the Michigan Dogman has announced that he is voting for himself in the upcoming election, believing he is the only one capable of bringing real change and leadership.
Known for its love of simple pleasures like beer, wrestling, and pickup trucks, the Honey Island Swamp Monster (aka The Cajun Sasquatch) has made its political choice clear. “There’s nothing like cracking open a cold one, catching some wrestling action, and cruising down the bayou in a trusty truck,” it grinned. “We need a leader who understands the heart and soul of this great American way of life.” The Honey Island Swamp Monster is proudly voting for “Stone Cold” Steve Austin.
The Thunderbird has taken a firm stand in support of Indigenous peoples’ rights and cultural preservation. It is deeply committed to advocating for the protection of sacred lands and respecting traditional knowledge. “Our Indigenous communities deserve a government that honors their heritage and rights,” the Thunderbird declared. With a deep reverence for spiritual leadership and ancestral wisdom, the Thunderbird has announced that it is voting for Gitche Manitou, the Great Spirit.
The three-legged Enfield Horror, known for its malevolent presence, has declared its support for chaos and darkness. “I’ve been condemned and vilified for far too long,” the Enfield Horror hissed. “It’s time to embrace true malevolence and watch the world burn.” With a desire to spread corruption and revel in destruction, the Enfield Horror is casting its vote for the demon Astaroth, The Great Duke of Hell, embracing the promise of ultimate apocalypse for the upcoming election.
Known for its mischievous antics and love of chaos, The Pukwudgie is relishing the opportunity to disrupt the political landscape. “Why settle for the usual candidates when you can have pure pandemonium?” the Pukwudgie declared. “Let’s shake things up and add some chaos!” Embracing its affinity for disorder, The Pukwudgie is throwing its support behind YouTube star PewDiePie known for his controversial antics and sensationalism.
As a staunch advocate for animal rights, The Shunka Warakin believes that humanity has become a blight on the planet, wreaking havoc on ecosystems and wildlife. “Man’s greed and carelessness have turned this world into a wasteland,” the Shunka Warakin declared with a fierce snarl. “We need a leader who will bring about a radical shift in priorities, restoring balance and respecting nature.” Embracing a more radical approach to environmental preservation, The Shunka Warakin is voting for fellow cryptid The Man-Eating Tree of Nubia, an entity known for its fierce stance against exploitation and its commitment to devouring human bodies whole.
In the shadowy realms of folklore, the Skinwalker is known for its shape-shifting abilities and subterfuge, The Skinwalker has unveiled a diabolical plan to reshape the political landscape. “I’m going to assume the guise of Donald Trump, infiltrate his life, and seize control of his campaign,” The Skinwalker declared with a chilling laugh. “By voting as Trump, I’ll ensure my own vision for this country becomes reality. I have a feeling now matter what I do, no one will find it odd.” With this ambitious scheme, The Skinwalker is voting for himself wearing the skin of Donald Trump in the 2024 election.
Known for its mysterious and somewhat rebellious nature, the Beltsville Goatman emerged with a surprising stance on drug policy. This cryptid is a staunch supporter of the legalization of drugs, believing it would lead to a more sensible and effective approach to drug laws. “The war on drugs has failed and the current system is a mess; we need to end the prohibition and treat it as a public health issue,” the Goatman argued. The Beltsville Goatman is fervently backing Bernie Sanders for the 2024 election.
This Creole creature is deeply rooted in the mystic traditions of Louisiana, believes it’s time for a shift in the political landscape. “It’s high time we bring voodoo into our politics,” The Grunch Road Monster declared, channeling its ancestral knowledge. “We need a leader who embodies the spirit of the underworld and respects our cultural heritage.” Embracing the potent forces of the supernatural, The Grunch Road Monster is voting for Maman Brigitte, the Haitian spirit of death and the underworld, seeking to inject a dose of dark mysticism into the political sphere.
From the frigid, remote forests of the north, the Wendigo is a mythical figure renowned for its hunger for human flesh and chilling presence. However, beneath its fearsome exterior lies a deep concern for the environment, particularly climate change. “I thrive in the cold,” the Wendigo noted. “But if the planet warms up, my icy habitat could disappear.” Motivated by a desire to preserve the cold climates it loves, the Wendigo is enthusiastically backing Skaði, the Norse goddess of winter.
This fearsome, dragon-like creature from the hills of Maryland has emerged as a fervent supporter of anti-immigration legislation. The Snallygaster has adopted a no-nonsense attitude towards border control. “Dirty Italians are flooding into our country by the millions and they need to be stopped,” it roared. “We need someone who understands the importance of securing our borders and maintaining national integrity.” The Snallygaster is casting its vote for the soul of Thomas Jefferson burning in hell for all eternity.
