ADDISON, Vt. – Metalhead Adam Brockford showed more conviction arguing with a stranger about Black Sabbath outside the Addison County Courthouse than he had shown arguing for custody of his own children just moments before, mildly disgusted sources confirmed.
“Listen, I really like your ‘Master of Reality’ shirt, and I get why you think that album is their best, but you’re completely overlooking the absolute genius of both ‘Heaven and Hell’ and ‘The Mob Rules,’” said Brockford, who twenty minutes earlier had sat quietly while his attorney fruitlessly argued his supposed merits in the hopes of him caring for his four-year-old twin daughters. “You can’t listen to classics like ‘Die Young’ and ‘Falling off the Edge of the World’ and honestly tell me the band was better with Ozzy. And I haven’t even mentioned ‘Neon Knights.’ I mean, come on!”
Brockford’s lawyer Keisha Perry reacted to her client’s newfound commitment with frustration and bewilderment.
“Where was this passion when I was presenting his parenting plan to the judge in there?” Perry questioned. “He had told me his daughters were the greatest thing that ever happened to him, but he didn’t even open his mouth when his ex-wife’s attorney brought up his drinking and excessive video game playing. Maybe he would’ve livened up a bit if they said they considered ‘Dehumanizer’ to be Black Sabbath’s worst album. I swear, this is the last time I take on a metalhead as a client.”
Deron Goodwin, Professor of Family Law at the University of Pittsburgh, commented that such pitiable courtroom behavior is common among aging metalheads.
“This is something we see time and time again in our case studies,” said Goodwin. “Just last week I lectured about a father who willingly gave up custody of his son after hearing him say Accept’s ‘Restless and Wild’ was overrated, and before that another who had missed his court date entirely to catch Slayer on their farewell tour. There’s just something about being a fan of classic metal that turns people into shitty fathers that I can’t quite put my finger on, even after years of research.”
At press time, Brockford ignored Perry as she tried to tell him about scheduling visitation, choosing instead to high-five another bystander in an Iron Maiden “Killers” shirt over their shared love of Paul Di’Anno.
Laura is too sweet and empathetic to lead anyone into an apocalyptic frenzy. She believes in the goodness of others and the power of redemption, making her more likely to gather her friends for prayer circles than to convince them the end is near. Her followers would be more focused on charity work than preparation for the end of days.
As pillars of the community, Mom and Dad Asparagus would be more inclined to guide their followers with wisdom and compassion than to exploit them, creating community rather than a cult. Sure, they believe the end times are upon us – emphasizing preparedness in faith, hoarding goods & guns, and surrendering one’s possessions. They’d likely run a tight ship, intent on survival rather than the rapture.
Jimmy and Jerry Gourd might seem like harmless, food-obsessed goofballs, but beneath their bumbling exterior lies the potential for a dangerously misguided leadership. Their love for comfort and indulgence could easily translate into a doomsday cult focused on hedonism and excess, where followers are encouraged to “live it up” before the Christian apocalypse hits. While they lack the ambition to lead a full-blown movement, their laid-back approach could lure in those looking for an easy way out of the end times.
Madame Blueberry’s materialism could lead her to exploit her followers under the guise of preparing for the end times. She’d probably convince them to give up their worldly possessions—for her own gain, of course—but her focus would remain on accumulating wealth rather than spiritual fervor. She might toy with apocalyptic themes, but she’s too self-serving to take it all the way.
With his old-school wisdom and penchant for storytelling he might initially seem like an unlikely cult leader. However, his deep understanding of tradition and scripture could be twisted into something more sinister. He’d use his extensive knowledge to create elaborate narratives about the apocalypse, presenting himself as the sage who holds the key to salvation. Despite his seemingly benign exterior, his would demand dogmatic obedience and self-sacrifice under the pretense of guiding his followers through the end times
The Scallions are natural troublemakers, and they wouldn’t hesitate to use apocalyptic fear-mongering to their advantage. They could easily whip up a frenzy among their followers, convincing them to forsake their lives in preparation for the rapture. Their cult would ultimately be more about anti-government propaganda than anything of religious consequence. Their motivations would be more about causing chaos and watching the world burn than any true belief in their cause.
Everyone knows Mr. Nezzer has always had a taste for power and control, and he could see the apocalypse as a way to solidify his dominance. He’d likely position himself as a messianic figure, demanding absolute loyalty from his followers in exchange for their salvation. He’d preach about the end of days while gathering up several wives, lining his pockets, and skipping town when his followers caught on to his ruse.
Jean-Claude and Philippe, the clever and mischievous French Peas, have always been sharp-witted, and it’s this intelligence that would make them dangerous cult leaders. These two would have no trouble twisting biblical passages to suit their agenda, using their deep knowledge of scripture to manipulate their followers. They’d expertly reinterpret the Bible, taking verses out of context to justify whatever commands they issue. Their followers, drawn in by their charisma and apparent wisdom, would be eager to do their bidding. Jean-Claude and Philippe would lead their cult with precision, turning faith into a tool for control and obedience.
Petunia’s love for spreading kindness and positivity makes her the least likely to embrace a doomsday narrative. While she would absolutely join a cult of some kind, hers would be more based on love and freedom. She’d rather hand out lavender-scented candles and do yoga than preach about fire and brimstone. In the end, the worst Petunia would do is convince her followers to become vegan anti-vaxxers.
Anyone with a German accent is capable of starting and leading a doomsday cult, it’s basically built into their DNA. Whether they are human or just a gourd, all Germans should be viewed as suspicious. However, Dr. Flurry has softened over time and he is much more interested in tinkering with inventions these days rather than concociting a special potion for all his followers to drink so they can ascend to the afterlife.
The Peach’s narcissism and deep-seated personality disorder make him a prime candidate for doomsday cult leadership. His overwhelming need for validation and admiration would drive him to establish a cult where he’s worshiped as a messianic figure. But beneath his charming exterior lies a dangerously unstable personality, prone to erratic behavior and delusions of grandeur. His behavior would include in increasingly extreme demands, from total loyalty to acts of self-sacrifice, all to feed his insatiable ego. As his grip on reality loosens, The Peach would lead his cult down a dark, destructive path, where his every whim becomes a divine command and his followers’ lives are mere tools for his self-glorification.
Junior Asparagus’s innocence and fervor could be dangerously twisted into a cult leadership role. As a young and impressionable leader, he might genuinely believe he’s been chosen to guide others through the apocalypse. Surrounded by “yes men” who constantly affirm his every word, Junior would start to believe his own lies and messianic visions. His youthful zeal would draw followers into a world of blind faith and unquestioning obedience. As Junior becomes more convinced of his own infallibility, his demands would grow increasingly extreme, leading his cult down a dark path of self-destruction. His naivety, combined with his growing self-deception, would make him a particularly dangerous leader, unable to recognize the harm he’s causing until it’s far too late.
Mr. Lunt’s smooth-talking ways and business acumen would make him a formidable cult leader. A nonbeliever himself, he’d see the Christian apocalypse as a prime opportunity to manipulate and profit, convincing his followers that he’s the key to their salvation. Under his leadership, the cult would become a well-oiled machine of exploitation, with Mr. Lunt at the helm, extracting every last possession and ounce of devotion from his flock. He’d sell salvation by the pound, all while keeping his true intentions hidden behind a charming smile. Believe the rapture comes, which is soon – he promises, he would make his followers work to the bone making “artesian” crafts, furniture, shed, and barns that he can sell at local farmers’ markets.
Archibald Asparagus is the epitome of rigidity and order, and it’s this obsession with control and strict adherence to scripture that makes him a prime candidate for doomsday cult leadership. Archibald would position himself as the ultimate authority on the Christian apocalypse, convinced that only his interpretation of the Bible is correct. His cult would be a tightly controlled society, with followers forced to comply with his every decree, no matter how extreme. Under his leadership, the cult would become a suffocating regime where any dissent is met with harsh punishment and, ultimately, total annihilation, all in the name of divine order.
At the top of our list is Bob the Tomato, the character who’s always been the moral compass of VeggieTales. Bob’s unwavering faith and deep sense of responsibility could easily be twisted into a dangerous fervor. In his quest to save souls, he would come to believe that he is the chosen one, destined to lead his followers through the apocalypse. Bob’s sermons would grow increasingly intense, filled with scriptural imagery of the end times and promises of salvation for those who follow him without question. His conviction would drive his followers to extreme measures, from surrendering their possessions, breaking contact with their loved ones, even embracing mass suicide; all in the name of a better world beyond. Bob’s earnestness and unshakable faith make him the most likely to lead a doomsday cult, convinced that he’s doing God’s work, no matter the cost.
As die-hard fans of old-school death metal, it absolutely breaks our heart to put a Suffocation album from the early nineties in last place, but the production on this one steals the clout from a collection of truly well-written songs. The band themselves seem to agree with this, as the fact that they went on to re-record six of these tunes on later albums doesn’t necessarily stand out as a ringing endorsement. With that being said, there’s a lot to dig here, and the release sees the band in a perfect middle-ground between the raw punishment of their debut and the technical mastery of “Pierced from Within.” So make that glass half-full and view the rough production as a charming, nostalgic asset, and you’ll get some pure joy out of this one. After all, that’s how we enjoy almost every black metal album from that time.
This one’s got it all. Great riffs, great production, technical proficiency that doesn’t equate to audial masturbation, and vocals that would make Pazuzu himself jealous. Just listen to that double bass under the haunting starting riff at the onset of the title track. Goddamn, this one comes in hard! On the whole, there’s really not much we can say to criticize this album other than pointing out that it just doesn’t stand out much when compared to the below entries. We can’t shake the feeling that we’d be revering this much more had the band not possessed such a vast catalog, but whatever, this is the Hard Times, not Rolling Stone. Feel free to tell us we fucked up on this one; we’ll be too busy enjoying the riff on “Come Hell or High Priest” to give a shit.
Original frontman Frank Mullen’s swansong with the band came with this 2017 opus, and by God he went out on a high note. Just listen to him growl “You choke, cannot swallow, the truth has made you vomit” on “The Warmth Within the Dark.” We’re not sure what that means, but…hell yeah, we’re on board! Newbies and current members Charlie Errigo and Eric Morotti shine in the open slots at guitar and drums, respectively, and effortlessly keep those mind-bending Suffocation tunes we’ve all grown to know and love coming. It gets a little too technical for our tastes at times (we hear you, “Your Last Breaths,”) but we’re just nitpicking. Max out the volume on this baddie and go mosh some unsuspecting strangers.
We’ve gotta admit, we have a soft spot for “Souls to Deny.” This was their first full-length album in nine years when it came out, and there’s just something about a comeback album by Suffocation delivering a mallet to the crotch of every shitty Taking Back Sunday and Yellowcard song we were hearing at the time that results in us viewing this through rose-colored glasses. Or maybe we just have some residual teenage angst left over from our high school years. What do you want from us? We’re going to go watch the “Surgery of Impalement” music video. Seeing the band tear shit up in a junkyard or whatever should help us sort through these feelings. Fuck therapy.
Guitarist Terrance Hobbs is the only remaining original member at this point, as Disgorge’s Ricky Myers makes his debut as head crooner, and goddamn does he fill those shoes nicely. Just listen to “Immortal Execration.” Is it the apocalypse, or is he just happy to see us? This album gets a little slammy at times, but we’re actually going to give the band props for that. Times are a changin’, and we like to see one of the most important creators of brutal death metal making the moves necessary to stay in the game. Also, bonus points for that album cover. We presume Ganon is dwelling somewhere at the end of those spine ramps, and it’s our destiny to hit that fucker with some light arrows. BRB, we’ll see you at #4.
Alright! From the get-go, you know they’re not fucking around when “Abomination Reborn” starts up. This album takes the technical precision of “Souls to Deny,” hones the production, ups the ferocity of the vocals, and leaves us with a true exemplar of brutality that stands among the band’s best. Just try to listen to “Bind, Torture, Kill” without ending up with an A&E documentary about you in 20 years. Lyrics get a little silly at times, but whatever. There are only so many ways you can convey beating someone to death with a hammer, and the band had been well into its second decade at this point, so who are we to judge? Just appreciate Mike Smith’s drumwork and quit your bitchin’.
And we’ve reached the pinnacle of post-reformation Suffocation (in our humble opinion.) “Pinnacle of Bedlam” shows itself as a perfect modern iteration of their nineties genius, with twisting riffs, solos that range from eerie to frantic, and crushing drumming from Dave Culross in his only full-length appearance in the band (though not his last appearance on this list.) There’s even a bit of melody in those riffs we’re hearing on the title track, and for some reason we’re not upset. The album cover is sick, too. It’s like Metallica’s “…And Justice for All” if it was brutal death metal with audible bass and infinitely less insufferable band members. Count us in.
Are you about to head out on a two-mile run and are scrambling to put together a playlist to get you through it? Here it is. Done. You’re welcome. Just make sure to obtain proof of your time, because there is a 100% chance you’re going to end up qualifying for the next Olympics. Everything about this EP fucking rips, and we find ourselves revisiting it as often as the two albums below.
Focusing on rhythm without sacrificing on the brutality of its predecessor, “Pierced from Within” may very well be your favorite Suffocation album. In fact, it was very close to being ours. Every song is twisting, unpredictable, and above all, crushing. This is a landmark death metal release that has something to appeal to everyone. Odd time signatures? Done. Gut-wrenching death growls? Done. Masterful drumming? Done. Fucking arpeggios? Sure, why not? And it all works seamlessly. There’s a reason the band still opens its live shows with “Thrones of Blood” to this day. So quit reading this and go listen, you fucking nerd.
We know what you’re thinking: with such a glowing review of “Pierced from Within,” why isn’t it number one? It’s because we’re fucking cavemen, that’s why. The abstract concept of brutality didn’t exist until the band laid down “Liege of Inveracity” some storied day in the early nineties, and we are forever grateful for that. Everybody in the band is absolutely crushing on this one, and Frank Mullen delivers a masterful performance; sounding like something out of a goddamn nightmare, and is even boosted by death metal stalwart George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher on “Reincremation” and “Mass Obliteration”. What more could we ask for? Maybe an accompanying shovel with our purchase so we could dig along to “Infecting the Crypts,” but now we’re just being persnickety.