27 Family-Friendly Ghouls We Want to See Go Full R-Rated Murder Fest

Posted on by Dan Rice

Rejoice ye goblins and ghouls, the spooky season is upon us again! If you’re a parent, you’re probably on the hunt for festively creepy (but not scary!) family-friendly content the whole gang can enjoy. Well, we at the Hard Times are here to say fuck that!

You think Halloween is for children? Guess again pal. Halloween is for childless adults. It’s our Christmas, and you’re oh-so-precious little trick-or-treaters are just part of the decor, deal with it.

There’s a plethora of four-quadrant “spooky” entertainment available today, and frankly, we consider it all to be a massive appropriation of horror culture. It’s a war on Halloween, and this year we are striking back! We’ve rounded up the top ghoulish-but-cute traitors to Samhain and pitched an over-the-top gore fest project for each one. You hear that 30-something goths with disposable income? We’re taking it back!

27. The Great Pumpkin

All his life Linus has been mocked for his worship of The Great Pumpkin, an arcane God that he believes will reveal itself to its followers in a pumpkin patch on Halloween night. This year, Linus’s devotion will finally pay off. The Great Pumpkin has returned, and he is most displeased with our lack of faith. His first words to his humble servant Linus—”Bring me the blood of the non-believers.”

26. Spooky Buddies

Ours is going to be a little less cutesy talking puppies have misadventures and a little more Air Bud meets Cujo. The puppies will still talk, but as rabies cooks their minds the words slowly meld into brutalistic gibberish as they terrorize a small town on Halloween night.

25. Dr. Finkelstein

In “Dr. Finkelstein: Origins” the doctor is a strait up WWII Nazi scientist, performing the most gruesome and immoral experiments on his subjects in the name of creating the one true Superman. Let’s see Danny Elfman write a song about that!

24. Falcor

When was the last time you watched “The Never Ending Story?” It’s a lot different through grown-up eyes. Falcor has… a vibe. A pretty unsettling one. Let’s explore that.

23. The Iron Giant

“The Iron Giant” is a heartwarming story about the bond between a young boy and a giant alien robot that completely leaves exploration of the horrors of AI on the table. Our sequel will make a meal out of those scraps. The giant, now fully repaired and praised as a hero for selflessly saving a town from a nuclear explosion in the first movie, decides to part more “gifts” to humanity. The Earth of 1957 suddenly finds itself in possession of the Internet, smartphones, Alexa, the whole works. At first, people embrace this technology with open arms, but soon things take a turn. People are acting strange, becoming paranoid, and turning on one another. Things escalate into full-blown civil war, and eventually bloodthirsty anarchy, and as the giant watches the thin veneer of society crumble to dust from on high we realize this was his plan all along.

22. The Count

If Sesame Street were a REAL place, everyone would be a vampire by now having been bitten by the count. Let’s stop lying to our children.

21. Casper

Honestly, the first Casper movie is fairly unsettling in its own right. It raises some pretty heavy questions about the nature of the soul and the afterlife, plus Casper is super creepy towards Christina Ricci, like borderline incel. Our remake will simply build on that skeleton, with Casper adapting a more nefarious “Baby Reindeer” approach to his romantic pursuits, all the while lamenting upon the fact that his parents are in heaven while he is doomed to roam the earth forever. The real horror is Casper’s refusal to acknowledge the flaws that corrupt his soul, even as they become painfully and gorily clear to us the viewers. That’s how ya do Casper!

20. The Headless Horseman

Creepy, but we never actually see him cut off Ichabod Crane’s head. How about a movie that just deals with the head-cutting part? Takes a lot of work to get a whole human head off of a body, kids need to know!

19. The Addams Family

Pretty simple, we just show The Addams Family doing all the macabre shit they reference doing in jokes all the time. Oh really Gomez, you had a blast vacationing in Europe during the bubonic plague? Let’s see that shit!

18. Jack Skellington

Our origin story cements what the original “Nightmare Before Christmas” only hints at—that in his human life, Jack Skellington was none other than Jack the Ripper, satanist, and murderer of London sex workers. There’s an empty place in his bones, and he’s going to fill it with bloodshed.

17. The Monster Squad

The kids faired pretty well against super-campy versions of Dracula, The Wolfman, and all the like, but there comes a time to put away childish things. Now in high school, The Monster Squad is up against a team of real-life Monsters. Let’s see how the team’s nard-kicking antics hold up against an alliance between David Berkowitz, Maina Ramulu, Charles Cullen, and Dennis Rader, aka The BTK Killer.

16. Hotel Transylvania Dracula

We can’t be the only ones to think Adam Sandler is severely underused here. We all saw what he could do in “Uncut Gems.” We know Dracula is supposed to be “nice” in these movies, fine, but what about a Dracula who’s so addicted to gambling that he’s constantly putting himself and loved ones in harm’s way? Now that’s haunting.

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Friend of Band Unaware He’s Their Manager

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

PHILADELPHIA — Local man Duncan Jackson remains utterly unaware that he is the manager of his friend’s band Black Lab and totally responsible for their professional career and financial stability, confirmed sources.

“I like Black Lab well enough and I was even one of seven of their monthly listeners on Spotify at one point,” said Jackson, who declined an “unknown caller” phone call from the band’s bassist. “I go to see their shows whenever it works for my schedule and to say hi to my buddy Steve [McTrain], who drums in the band. I just don’t see them ever really hitting it big or moving out of the local circuit here. They just don’t really seem to have any kind of direction or consistency in what they’re doing. They really should get a manager or maybe a PR person, but who would want to be affiliated with a semi-shitty bar band? Not me.”

Black Lab lead singer Pete Behan says that the band has been losing faith in Jackson’s managerial abilities.

“Dunko has been one of our favorite casual acquaintances for years before he became our default manager,” said Behan, using the band’s nickname for Jackson, which he is wholly ignorant of. “He’s a cool dude, but being cool is not what this band needs to succeed. It’s great that he always has constructive criticism about guitar solos and cover songs, but we need someone who prioritizes us over some shitty day job. I mean, I know that he’s technically the Deputy Comptroller for Philadelphia, so he actually has some pretty serious responsibilities over the metro area, but is that as important as us getting a paying gig for once?”

Notorious band manager and current CEO of HYBE-America Scooter Braun was familiar with the many difficulties of being a band manager, especially if you don’t know that you’re one.

“I’ll be frank, being a band manager blows,” said Braun. “I’ve managed weirdos like Kanye West, Demi Lovato, and Ariana Grande; trying to wrangle these Hollywood types is a pain in the ass at best and a good way to get doxed by Swifties at worst. I don’t know why anyone would ever be a band manager. I only got into it because I’m in a book club with Justin Bieber’s mom and drank enough Prosecco over ‘The Poisonwood Bible’ to think that I was just agreeing to sponsor that brat’s little league team.”

As of press time, Jackson’s spam email folder contained several offers for Black Lab to open for Journey.

Hypocritical Much?: This Boutique Retail Shop With “Trading Post” in Its Name Won’t Let Me Exchange My Beaver Pelts for Their Artisanal Soaps

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

Names used to mean something. They carried weight, tradition, and integrity. But not, apparently, for Wildflower Trading Post and Gifts—an establishment as far removed from an actual trading post as a silk cravat is from a fur-lined deerskin cap.

If you choose to include the words “trading post” in your name, you ought to be ready to barter your goods for another’s. For example, exchanging your fine artisanal lavender-rosemary soaps for one of the many beaver pelts I acquired while journeying deep into the Albany River basin in Northern Ontario this past winter.

Seems pretty straightforward to me. Well not so to the employees of this dishonest and defamatory purveyor of locally produced gifts and tchotchkes! The moment I stepped into this fraudulent “trading post”—my canoe slung over one shoulder, flintlock rifle in hand—I was met with disdain. A real trading post would welcome a weary trapper, canoe and all, not throw a fit about “store policy” or “safety concerns.”

A trading post that does not allow a trapper to bring in their canoe, rifle, skinning knife, steel traps, hatchet, powder horn, mallet, pemmican, cooking kettle, ammunition, snares, tobacco, stretching board, and bedroll is, in hindsight, one not worth engaging in commerce. However, and I’m embarrassed to admit this, I was so taken with the sights and smells that greeted me there, that I acceded to the demands of the shopkeeper and her cretinous minions.

I thought myself quite accommodating from there on out! I begrudgingly left my belongings outside of the “trading post” and, after multiple entreaties, stopped closely inspecting each piece of merchandise with my beaver-blood-coated hands.

The real trouble started when I approached the cashier, clutching the desired soaps, ready to finalize our trade. At a “cashless” “trading post,” it seemed to me perfectly ordinary to swap one of my smaller pelts for the artisanal goods I had my eye on. Apparently, I was mistaken.

The shock and disdain of the cashier as I placed the tanned and stretched remains of a beaver on the counter has left an indelible mark on my mind. Refusing to accept the pelt as payment for the soaps, he demanded that I pay using a “credit card.” When I politely shouted that this insistence on so-called electronic payment was a violation, and a clear betrayal of the “trading post” name, I was rudely asked to leave.

My experience at Wildflower “Trading Post” and Gifts left me feeling angry and disrespected. It is a feeling unlike any I’ve ever experienced. Mark my words, one day when our world collapses like a flimsy wooden palisade against a determined war party, we won’t be exchanging products via “credit card.” No, we will be doing so with beaver pelts!

Noise Fan Attempts to Shazam Unbalanced Washing Machine Heard Through Apartment Wall

Posted on by Tim Graham

KINGSTON, N.Y. — Noise music enthusiast Craig Spencer tried in vain to identify the cacophonous racket heard through his living room wall, according to sources who had come over to buy weed.

“One afternoon I started hearing this wild music coming from my neighbor’s pad,” said Spencer while rearranging his record collection from alphabetical to chronological order. “The composition began with a deep, pulsing buzz and was soon overlaid with a rhythmic mechanical thrumming. I pulled out my phone and tried to Shazam it, but got no results. I sat there mesmerized until the track ended. Whatever it was, it ranks up there with some of the greatest harsh noise I’ve ever heard. I ran into my neighbor later and asked, ‘What was that incredible music you were playing?’ but she acted like she had no idea what I was talking about. I hate gatekeeping.”

Neighbor Gwen Dubovich was initially baffled by Spencer’s questioning.

“I try to avoid talking to Craig as much as possible, so when he came up to me I really wasn’t in the mood to answer questions,” said Dubovich. “But I eventually realized he was asking me about the day my old washer finally croaked. I had tried to wash my heavy duvet after my dog puked on the bed and it was too much for the thing. It started rocking and shuddering, and then fizzled out and began smoking. I guess I could tell Craig what the sound actually was, but I really don’t want to start another conversation with him. The last time we spoke he invited me over to smoke weed and check out something called Agonal Lust. I claimed to have diarrhea and made a hasty exit.”

Underground music scholar Creighton Blemer says Spencer’s experience is enviable.

“Mr. Spencer witnessed something very few of us in the harsh noise community have been privy to: The spontaneous creation of pure music, unsullied by the meddling hand of man. Compositions made solely by machines with no human intervention are in fact the most perfect form of music that exists. What better expression of despair, isolation and ennui could there be than the sonic death throes of an industrial automaton? There is no more fitting way to exemplify the failing anthropocenic experiment than the wailing of machinery as it breaks down and succumbs to the indifferent will of entropy.”

At press time, Spencer had been spotted sitting cross-legged next to a concrete mixer at a nearby construction site, listening with rapt attention.

20 Misfits Songs That Will Get You Kicked Out of the PTA for Playing at a Children’s Halloween Party

Posted on by Trevor Graham

Well, it’s that spooky time of year again. Halloween is almost here and now that you’re a parent with young children it’s time for the most terrifying thing you can imagine… interacting with other parents and their kids at the local neighborhood Halloween party.

You are now thrown into a nightmare of unsupervised children and their parents who want to chat about tree nut allergies and how hard it is to plan for their 3rd grader’s path to an Ivy League school. The only way you know to drown out this claustrophobic suburban cacophony is to volunteer to play DJ for the night. And what better playlist for a night of ghoulish Samhain Eve celebration than the Misfits?

Be careful though. Even though the Misfits might seem like Sesame Street Singalong to your seasoned punk ears, some parents may be offended by the lyrics and you’ll find yourself kicked out of the PTA faster than you can say gluten-free muffin. Fret not, we compiled twenty Misfits songs not to play to avoid this from happening. Not that you really want to plan a bake sale or be a chaperone for the museum field trip anyway. (Listen to the playlist, click here)

20. Mommy, Can I Go Out & Kill Tonight?

A song about a quiet student who goes around killing his classmates was pure fiction in the early ‘80s but now that there seems to be a school shooting every nine seconds maybe skip past this one.

19. Children In Heat

Honestly we have no idea what this song is about. All we know is it’s not very Halloween-y and there is something about urinating blood for a week? What we do know though is that if you play this for the kids the concerned parents in your neighborhood are gonna have a field day talking trash about you on their Nextdoor message group.

18. Devil’s Whorehouse

Playing a song for kids on Halloween about the devil is borderline acceptable (unless you live in the South) but you surely don’t want to be the parent who has to explain what a whorehouse is.

17. Die, Die My Darling

You could probably sneak this one into the playlist but only later on in the party when the parents are all on their fifth glass of Pinot Noir and the kids have hit the sugar coma.

16. Dig Up Her Bones

The title and lyrics to this are perfectly appropriate for a spooky little kids’ party and there is nothing really here that will get you banned from your neighborhood but this is from the Michale Graves era though and you know you really can’t do that to these poor kids.

15. Angelfuck

You could possibly get away with playing this if every time they say “fuck” you cough loudly to cover it up. Then it would just sound like “Oh little angel” cough. Be careful though because with all the coughing everyone is going to think you are some kind of anti-vaxxer.

14. Hollywood Babylon

Even though you’ve been listening to this song for decades you probably just sang along to the chorus without really paying attention to the rest of the lyrics. Heaven is doing WHAT on her chest? Yikes.

13. We Bite

It’s not so much that the lyrics are too much for kids it’s more the fact that it will probably trigger that little dickhead Julian who goes around biting everyone. Then it’s somehow going to be your fault that he has sunk his teeth into some kid’s arm and not his parents who are pretending not to see it happening.

12. We are 138

This song doesn’t really seem to be about anything related to Halloween. In fact, we have no idea what this song is even about – Misfits reunion ticket prices maybe? What we do know is you don’t want to play the live version of this song because Henry Rollins is on it and some dad will start telling you how Rollins is now “too woke” to play a cop in movies anymore like he did in the ‘90s.

11. Death Comes Ripping

Even though it has that great line about the heat “burning your balls off” this is one you should just listen to on your own. Speaking of your balls though, have you made that vasectomy appointment yet? All these screaming children around you right now should be a good reminder.

10. Bullet

The kids haven’t had a history lesson yet about how JFK got “unalived” by a lone gunman or possibly the CIA (whoever you choose to believe.) And since Danzig gets all Danzig-y at the end of the song talking about getting a blowie from Jackie Onassis, maybe skip this one.

9. Bloodfeast

Sure, when you were a kid you loved how gory the lyrics to this were. But you were born in a very different time than these kids. And also based on the number of meds you’re currently on, maybe your childhood shouldn’t have included listening to songs about ripping off people’s faces?

8. Where Eagles Dare

On the spectrum of offensive curse words “goddamn son of a bitch” isn’t really that bad. But it is probably something these kids hear from their grandparents especially when talking about Joe Biden. And what could be more horrific for the kids on Halloween than reminding them of the political shitstorm of a world they were born into?

7. Spinal Remains

Sure, the lyrics are not appropriate for children, but really this song is nothing to write home about anyway. And you don’t want to scare yourself by realizing that one of your favorite bands isn’t actually as good as you remember.

6. Skulls

A song about skulls… on Halloween? Good heavens, no! This is too triggering! Now let’s all get back to our adult discussion within earshot of the kids about Israel bombing Gaza hospitals and schoolchildren.

5. Attitude

Out of all the songs the Misfits have this is the one you are probably going to want to play the most because the lyrics perfectly encapsulate your feelings about your normie Lulu Lemon-adorned neighbors. Just don’t expect to be invited to the next wine and book club meeting.

4. Last Caress

Playing this song will not only get you kicked out of the PTA, it will also get you disinvited to any future block parties, garage sales, neighborhood kickball games, or Chuck E. Cheese birthday parties. So yeah, you really have nothing to lose throwing this one on.

3. The Monster Mash

The original is a Halloween party classic so it seems like this would be ok but the Jerry Only era of vocals is somehow even worse than the Graves era. Hard pass.

2. Halloween

Seems like a no-brainer playing Halloween for the kids on Halloween until they notice the part about “dead cats hanging from poles.” Then you’re going to have a room full of crying children and irate parents.

1. Halloween II

Even though some of these overly-zealous parents have been trying to get Latin back into the curriculum for some fucking reason Danzig doing his satanic ceremonial Latin chant is probably going to raise some finely manicured eyebrows.

Listen to the playlist:

News of Foo Fighters Hiatus Rocks World of the 5 Remaining Child Musicians Who Hadn’t Yet Been Invited on Stage

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

LOS ANGELES — The Foo Fighters’ indefinite hiatus following Dave Grohl’s infidelity scandal is upending the world of the few child musicians who have not yet been invited up on stage to play with the band, inconsolable sources confirmed.

“I feel like I’ve wasted my life. I’ve spent the last four years perfecting my craft so Dave could call me up on stage, it was all for nothing,” explained eight-year-old Cameron Duckers, one of five children in the world still waiting for their chance on stage. “Everyone knows these days it’s TikTok, drop out of Juilliard, or get invited up on stage at a Foo Fighters concert. And my mom has made it abundantly clear she can’t afford Juilliard and I got banned from TikTok for trying to make usernames with variations on ‘dick and balls.’ And it wasn’t a far-fetched plan. My buddy Mike got brought up at their last tour and my buddy Kevin’s friend’s older brother was on the year before that. Mom was using my college fund for Ticketmaster fees. That’s how much of a sure thing this was.”

The implications of the band’s break also came as a shock to many adult fans.

“Of course I’m bummed. Foo Fighters have been my favorite band for almost three decades. I’ve been trying to get a viral video of Dave inviting a kid up on stage for years. But I’m always behind someone really tall or like one time I got too excited and dropped my phone in my beer,” said mega-fan Nora Rochester. “I’m actually in this Facebook group for viral video artists and I feel like I was getting so close to knocking this one off my bingo card. Now I have to depend on my stupid cat knocking a wedding cake off the counter or something like that to go viral, I’m screwed.”

Grohl admits the decision to stop touring has been a hard one.

“This is not something we took lightly, we know there are still a half dozen children out there who have not had the chance to play with us and it breaks my heart. When we talked through our options, I did a whole PowerPoint presentation on how this would affect the child music industry. But they wouldn’t hear me,” said Grohl. “They kept saying things like ‘That’s what you’re thinking about right now?’ and ‘Maybe those aren’t the kids you should be worried about.’ And I just want all the little Daves and Davettes out there to know that this isn’t their fault. I still love them. And they can totally come play on my new Podcast if they want! It’s called Dave’s Faves. I talk about my fave child prodigies.”

At press time, Grohl announced he would only grant paternity tests to women who beat him in a social media drum battle.

Tim Walz Debating Chatbot Trained Entirely On Your Uncle’s Social Media Feeds In Preparation For Vance Debate

Posted on by Tim Sheard

NEW YORK — Vice Presidential candidate Tim Walz recently revealed that he has been practicing for the debate with J.D. Vance by competing against a chatbot trained on your uncle’s unhinged right-wing social media posts.

“We’ve all got those conspiracy-brained uncles and weird relatives that we’ll dread feeling obligated to split the turkey with next month,” Walz remarked to some of the pre-debate press. “J.D. Vance is basically Peter Thiel’s cyborg clone composite of the ultimate weird uncle. JD-GPT doesn’t understand basic social moves, Minnesota niceties, cultural sensitivities, or how to say anything with the slightest hint of human heart or sincerity. But neither does the real deal, flesh-and-blood J.D.! I’ve been playing this machine harder than my goddamn Dreamcast. Reminds me, it’s been collecting dust, oughta boot up Shenmue sometime.”

Your uncle offered his two cents on such a technology, and he appeared to express mixed feelings.

“My kids, nephews, and nieces are too afraid of the truth to return my phone calls. If an AI bot wants to take its talk from me, least that’s someone who wants to hear about childless cat chow, or the radical left’s plans to give everybody healthcare,” said your enraged uncle while forking over $490 to Donald Trump’s campaign fund. “All this shows me is that Tampon Tim is some sort of foreign communist hacker. If he actually cared about American jobs he would have hired me or my friends to debate him, but he knows he couldn’t match wits with us. He would rather have a robot steal work from us.”

Trump’s running mate and frequent subject of mockery J.D. Vance dismissed Walz’s methodology.

“Look, if they have to create a bot to recreate the stories that I create out of thin air, so be it,” Vance said. “But a bot can’t sow its oats. A bot can’t write a forgettable memoir to be adapted into a forgettable Netflix movie. A chatbot can’t nail the impeccable comedic timing required to improvise jokes about racist soda, or exhibit the bare minimum social competency required to order donuts. And most importantly, a bot can’t platform a rumor about immigrants that spurs bomb threats for days.”

As of press time, no one has laughed at Vance’s “jokes,” and no weird stains have been identified on any furniture items in the broadcast center.

Concerned Cardiologist Still Attempting to Explain to Math Rock Guitarist That Arrhythmia Isn’t a Good Thing

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

CHICAGO — Exasperated cardiologist Dr. Everett Johnston is struggling to explain to his math rock guitarist patient that an arrhythmia, the irregular beating of the heart, is very much not a good thing, concerned sources reported.

“I’m at my wit’s end here. I keep telling this young man that this is a very serious medical condition and could potentially lead to heart failure, stroke, or shortness of breath after walking up a single flight of stairs. But instead of being worried, he’s very happy to hear about his newfound ailment,” said Dr. Johnston. “I even tried explaining it to him in a language he might understand, what with music and what not. His heart is beating like it’s constantly shuffling between the catalogs of American Football, Rush, and Slint. Honestly, he didn’t even seem fazed when I started humming Tool’s ‘Lateralus’ while using my stethoscope to listen to his heart.”

Patient and math rock guitarist Adrian Reyes, who has reported severe bouts of dizziness, chest pain, and sweating, was relieved to find out his diagnosis.

“Man, I was really worried for a second there. I thought the doctor would come out and tell me I have COVID or the cooties or something. Luckily, I just have arrhythmia, which number one, sounds like an extremely sick band name, and number two, means I was born to play math rock. It’s kinda like I’m that rain man guy from that movie ‘Rain Man,’” said an extremely detached Reyes. “But then the doctor started talking about some pacemaker bullshit and I’m like fuck that. They want me to ignore my unique and potentially fatal nature and replace my heart with some 4/4 radio-friendly pop country trash! No way man, I’d rather die than become a sell out.”

Researchers from Northwestern University have seen many cases similar to Reyes’ and have charted the trend across all musical genres.

“It’s a relatively new research area, but it’s one that’s unfortunately becoming more and more necessary. We’ve got teens who’ve showcased stable mental health patterns for years and all of a sudden, they start asking for Adderall and Vyvanse because they listened to the latest hyperpop record from Charli XCX,” said post-doctoral researcher Belinda Salz, rubbing her temples. “At this rate, I think we can call this an epidemic. Surprisingly, we’ve not heard any concerning reports coming from psych rock fans, but we feel this can be explained because they’re all probably already high as fuck on whatever mushrooms they grew in their sheds.”

At press time, Reyes was found sneaking into hospitals to hook himself up to an EKG machine to discover new tempos and time signatures for his band’s upcoming EP.

Inspiring: This Man is Willing to Do Anything for Custody Besides Be a Good Father

Posted on by Dom Turek

In a heartbreaking but all too common scene, a hardworking father adds a completely respectful amount of whiskey to his morning coffee in a mug that reads, “Best Dad Ever” but there are no children around. The once lively house filled with sounds of endless marital spats and children running from sight has become a shell, and he has no one to blame but everyone except himself. This is the life Lucas Holmes has built for himself.

From trying to undermine his youngest child’s relationship with his mother to making false claims about his ex-wife’s fidelity all over town, this empty nester has tried everything just short of telling his kids, “I love you and I care about you” to win their affections and prove his worth as a father.

Luckily, Lucas knows firsthand that growing up with a strong father figure has nothing to do with how much you love them. Growing up with a dad who uses you for emotional leverage and treats you as an option only makes you love them more and encourages you to spend your teen and adult years devising creative strategies to gain your parents’ attention. Some of a kid’s best memories are spent pulling dangerous stunts with the subconscious intention of receiving unconditional love.

Though he’s been accused by the courts and those closest to him of not spending enough quality time with his children, no one sees what he’s doing behind the scenes to secure full custody. What he lacks in quality time with his kids, he spends attaching quality tracking devices to his ex-wife’s car and stashing three hundred dollars worth of quality drugs in his ex’s work desk to frame her for possession.

Fighting dirty isn’t something to be proud of, but it’s common knowledge that courts always side with the mothers no matter how many times you pass your car’s breathalyzer interlocking device. Lucas is fighting tooth and nail against centuries of prejudiced attitudes formed against men who want sole custody of their children, and no one seems to give a damn.

It doesn’t help that they’re throwing the book at him left and right. Since when is missing a few child support payments illegal? Oh since the 1900s? His lawyer should’ve told him that. This is just another example of feminists gatekeeping obscure legal information that could help a father reunite with his boys, except for this weekend because he has a poker night planned with some friends.

National Archives Releases Documents Proving the Smashing Pumpkins’ “Tonight, Tonight” Moon Landing Was Faked

Posted on by Sidney Conant

WASHINGTON — The National Archives released an overwhelming collection of previously classified documents this morning proving that the moon landing from The Smashing Pumpkins’ “Tonight, Tonight” music video was faked, incredulous sources confirm.

“It is a great day when truth prevails against the lies told by powerful men, and today is perhaps the greatest day I’ve ever known,” said Melanie Collins, National Archives Director of Communications and Marketing. “In these 18,000 pages there exists insurmountable evidence that what has been fed to us since 1996 is little more than a fabrication used to win half a dozen MTV Video Music Awards. No spaceflight records from any government agency, that one guy in the video clearly being voice actor extraordinaire Tom Kenny, and does anyone else see the resemblance to that movie ‘Le Voyage dans la Lune’ by Georges Méliès? Seriously, it’s like a straight-up copy.”

The Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan provided his own side of the story.

“Years ago, our group created a falsehood that was ultimately very lucrative for my career, but I’d like to point out that it wasn’t my fault,” said Corgan while recording James Iha’s guitar track himself. “Those blowhards over at NASA were unwilling to compromise for my vision and wanted to have a team of so-called ‘professionals’ man the spacecraft from launch to landing. I would have had no input whatsoever in that scenario, so we had to settle with what ended up giving us a kind of worldwide recognition that has never once negatively impacted my mental health. And no, I will not be returning these trophies.”

Despite both the documentation and the testimony provided by the band themselves, some fans still remained skeptical.

“It honestly feels like the guys denying the moon landing are in the makings of a cult,” said lifelong fan Dominic Herrera, ironing a Homerpalooza t-shirt between swigs of Madame ZuZu’s Emperor’s Mint Meritage tea. “For decades, denialists have asked questions like, ‘How could they breathe up there without any helmets?’ or, ‘Do you really think the moon has a face, you idiot?’ and it pisses me off. Why can’t they just accept the first-hand experiences of the people that were actually there? Billy would never lie to us—I mean, except for today. But he had to do that to keep the peace.”

At press time, Corgan was heard saying that the video’s underwater segments were totally legitimate and that the octopus actually played drums for them when Jimmy Chamberlin briefly left the band.