Five Ancient Otherworldly Entities We Accidentally Summoned While Learning the Scat-Singing Part of “Freak on a Leash”

Posted on by Steve Packosky

After years of denial, we at The Hard Times finally opened up and were honest with ourselves about our proclivity for nu-metal. As such, we could unashamedly don the Tripp pants, XXL Coal Chamber shirts, and wallet chains we’d kept in our closets for the past two decades. Words cannot express how liberating this felt, so we decided to let it ride and learn how to sing like some of our favorite musicians, and who better to start with than Jonathan Davis, the lead singer of nu-metal stalwarts Korn? Unfortunately, our first practice session did not go quite as we had planned, and, while learning the scat-singing part of “Freak on a Leash,” we ended up uttering several ancient incantations by mistake that welcomed some pretty horrific beings from other realms onto our planet. We’re ready to own this and intend this article as a warning to humankind, or as a last vestige for future societies to discover amidst the ruins for which we’ll have been entirely responsible. Truly, our bad. Here are five of the otherworldly entities we accidentally summoned:

Yon-Vabbureth

An unfathomably wretched and loathsome sight to behold, Yon-Vabbureth was awakened from eons of slumber by our singing. It stood roughly the size of an oak barrel and was largely protoplasmic in nature. Covered in jelly-like orbs that were either eyes or pustules (we had no intention of getting close enough to find out which,) it moved about in a viscous manner that was awful and unsettling to watch. We found ourselves frozen and nauseated each time one of the eyes/pustules was pointed in our direction, but luckily Yon-Vabbureth seemed bored with us and slid out of our offices not long after being summoned. We have no idea where it went or what kind of damage it has since caused, so if you hear something you’ll know where to point the finger.

Sanctum Fiend

Of all the entities we accidentally summoned, Sanctum Fiend definitely seemed the most pissed off about being taken from whatever horrid realm it had been inhabiting. It was a many-tentacled being about waist-high, and it scurried around in a frantic and agitated manner. We managed to lock it in the bathroom and told our intern Brandon to go in and check on it. He put up a fight, but ultimately agreed after we threatened to fire him. Apparently, Sanctum Fiend had calmed down and used one of its tentacles to summon Brandon to its location on the wall by the hand dryer. Brandon was transfixed by the motion and couldn’t resist, and the foul thing ended up striking him blind with a single touch from the tentacle. Better Brandon than us, we guess.

Oq the Colossal

Contrary to what you might think after reading its name, Oq is normally sized, bipedal in motion, and fairly nondescript in overall physical appearance. However, one look upon its flesh sent us on a wretched journey into the infinity of our own thoughts, which conjured a terror so immense that we’re fairly certain we will never recover. It just stood there and looked at us as we clasped our heads in our hands and uttered bloodcurdling shrieks that did nothing to express the eldritch horror we were experiencing within what remained of our own minds. It may be too late to warn you, but if you come across Oq we wholly recommend running as fast as you can in the opposite direction, lest the exposure to the Stygian depths of your own consciousness reduce you to the same piteous wretch he made of us.

Hi’xivof of the Ild

Now, Hi’xivof of the Ild really was immense in size; a being so titanic that one’s own grip on reality is completely staggered by a simple glance in its direction. We just didn’t have a frame of reference for a being of this magnitude, and again our minds were transformed into soup when we accidentally summoned it. Luckily, it’s so unbelievably gargantuan that it actually seems functionally useless, and aside from completely destroying the building that houses our offices through the sheer act of being conjured into existence, it doesn’t appear capable of doing much damage. While our landlord is definitely pissed, that seems like small potatoes compared to what the fifth entity may subject us to.

NONBEING

Ok, this one seems like it’s going to create the most problems. We don’t think there exists words in the English language, or even concepts in the human mind, that can describe what NONBEING is (or, uh, isn’t.) It’s definitely not good, or is it good? Or is it both at the same time? Or neither at the same time? Fuck, we don’t know. Or do we? Jesus Christ, this is a fucking catastrophe (or is it a miracle?) We’d better call it quits on this article and run to/from the nearest/farthest safe/dangerous zone. Come to think of it, have we already done or not done that? Or did we do nothing, which is actually everything? FUCK.

We’re going to take these as indications that nu-metal vocals just aren’t for us, and maybe try our hands at death metal vocals. Hopefully these Morbid Angel lyrics are less likely to summon some cross-dimensional nightmare creatures.

Conservative at Halloween Party Thinks Regular Cops Already Pretty Sexy

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

BETHLEHEM, Pa. — Local conservative man and general douchebag Chet Dyker was spotted at a Halloween party this past weekend telling women dressed as sexy cops that they’d be even hotter in regular, less revealing uniforms, sources who didn’t agree with that sentiment confirmed.

“What’s the big issue? I mean, those brave men and women are out there serving our communities every day – issuing parking tickets, getting weed off our streets, keeping neighborhoods like this one safe – there’s absolutely nothing more titillating than that,” Dyker stated. “You don’t need to make cops sexy when they already are. It’s about respect, really. Plus, I mean, being covered head to toe in navy cloth and wearing hats that seem like a light gust of wind will blow them off their heads. Now, that is sultry.”

Maddie Birch, one of the women who was approached, found the experience with him rather odd and disturbing.

“It was really weird,” said Birch. “First of all, the guy was dressed as…like, some anime dude with spiky blonde hair? I have no idea. Then he sized me up, looking up and down and shaking his head before telling us he was disappointed that women these days just don’t know what men want. He kept saying my costume needed a military-grade bulletproof vest and that cops don’t really wear three-inch shorts in real life. This was the sign that this man was to be avoided for the rest of the evening.”

Political analyst and news columnist Adrian Prost offered his thoughts.

“It is pretty fascinating seeing them in the wild like this. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t talk as if they’re wild animals, but I mean…kinda close, right?” Prost said. “Don’t you think it’s weird that in one breath they’ll say they hate authority and big government, but then they can’t get sexually aroused unless they imagine a cop murdering an unarmed civilian during a routine traffic stop? It seems a little contradictory, if you ask me. And if you ever get a load of their browser history, they’re always searching for fully clothed police officers on porn websites.”

At press time, Dyker was seen with a raging erection as he and other guests were escorted from the premises by police following noise complaints.

Every The Stooges Album Ranked Worst To Best

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Formed just two years before the counterculture and dirty smelly hippy festival known as Woodstock, Ann Arbor, Michigan’s The Stooges proved to the world that blue could in fact go. The influential and wild by definition four-piece band performed a highly specific genre of music that was the precursor to ‘70s Sex Pistols and/or Ramones rock known as proto-punk, which you likely never read on paper before despite the fact that we know that you know everything there is to know about punk. For this album ranking piece no live records, compilations, box sets, or Iggy Pop solo records are listed, but The Stooges went by another moniker, Iggy and the Stooges, for two of their five full-length studio albums, so those are included here. We know, we know, we don’t make the rules, but we sure as heck follow them. Maybe we’re not as cool as you think?

5. The Weirdness (2007)

Despite the fact that your friend and ours, the late Steve Albini of Big Black, Shellac, “Surfer Rosa,” and “In Utero” fame produced “The Weirdness,” album #4 of five for The Stooges, one release had to be in the golden stinker spot here, and this free, freaky, fried, and fun one sadly fits the bill. Obviously if you’re a hardcore fan of The Stooges, or even a casual one, you know for sure that it would be a violent battle between their two full-length studio albums this century for the next to be mentioned ranking, as their 1969, 1970, and 1973 records are all killer, no filler… so death wins! Still, it is quite an epic feat that this record was The Stooges’ first effort in thirty-four years, just beating the non-twenty-seven but thirty-three club featuring the holy trinity of John Belushi, Jesus of Nazareth, and Chris Farley.

Play it again: “My Idea Of Fun”
Skip it: “The End Of Christianity”

4. Ready to Die (2013)

The Stooges’ fifth and final full-length studio album as of now actually, as the kids say, slaps (do they still say this? Honest question), even if you stupidly aren’t aware of their older and classic twentieth-century material. Also, the record certainly packs quite a punch and got a lot of love from inferior publications, basically proving in recorded form that old guys can in fact rip hard, and even, uh, harder than your Midwestern uncle Reggie’s weekend warrior active rock cover band featuring not one, not two, but three lead guitar players. Released on the legendary Fat Possum Records out of M-I-SS-I-SS-I-PP-I, making it the band’s only non-major label effort, “Ready to Die” is the last to be mentioned here with some filler, but that’s ok, as it’s an unfriendly world out there. So get a job, burn your gun, and beat that guy! Which guy? You decide.

Play it again: “Sex and Money”
Skip it: “The Departed”

3. Fun House (1970)

The Stooges’ sophomore full-length studio album “Fun House,” like the next two records to be listed below, is a “no skip” effort, and if you disagree, skip the rest of this article; we already got your advertising money anyway, FOOLS. Anyway, back to the song AND the year 1970: Easily the cult hipster favorite for the band’s famous and non-famous fanbase, proving that our bronze opinion is wrong unless it’s right, “Fun House” was a grower and not a shower, as initial sales were disappointing, but the world eventually caught up like they did when “Office Space” was on display at Blockbuster Video. Basically, if you are a fan of fellow Michigander Jack White and ALL of his projects, then this record is for you! If you’re more of a Jack Black Dewey Finn stan, then the next two are even more up your alley, even down on the street!

Play it again: Elation
Skip it: Apartments

2. Self-Titled (1969)

First of all, it’s pretty cool that 1970’s sequel “Fun House” has a song called “1970,” and that The Stooges open their debut full-length studio album with a song called “1969”… at least to us! In addition, for another dorky stat, this record has a song that Sex Pistols covered called “No Fun,” and “Fun House” also contains the, wait for it, word “fun.” Anyway, The Stooges certainly closed out the 1960s in style with sweat and volume with this record! Featuring an iconic album cover, The Stooges made a dirty statement in musical form that was consistent across and throughout the album’s eight tracks that knock your proverbial socks off and even put holes in ‘em. Fun fact: This album is the only album featuring the man now known as Iggy Pop with the moniker “Iggy Stooge.” If you already knew that, you’re lying and that’s not right.

Play it again: Moe
Skip it: Shemp

1. Raw Power (1973)

Honestly, if The Stooges’ third full-length studio album “Raw Power” was eight consecutive tracks of its album opener “Search and Destroy,” it might have still won the gold medal position here, but luckily the album is a tour de force that doesn’t stop till its closing… and we’re here for it. For another hot/heavy version of “Search and Destroy,” check out underrated Louisville, Kentucky act Emanuel’s cover of the song on ”Tony Hawk’s American Wasteland Soundtrack,” which features thirteen other then-contemporary scene/scene-adjacent bands covering classic punk rock tracks. Back to The Stooges: “Raw Power” is universally known as one of the more influential rock records of all time. “Raw Power” was also the band’s comeback album after a short breakup post-”Fun House,” but disappointingly it was their last for another few decades, as the chaotic band split up again in 1974.

Play it again: Monday Night
Skip it: Dangerous Dillard Fighting Flippo Bam-Bam Barch

Classically Trained Theremin Player Sells Out For Haunted House Gig

Posted on by Jeff Cardello

CINCINNATI — Ophelia Kingsley, an esteemed thereminist who has been a featured guest player with the London Symphony, Orchestre de Paris, and the Los Angeles Philharmonic, recently took a job at Screamz Manor to help pay her bills.

“I’ve performed pieces like Camille Saint-Saëns’ ‘The Swan’ for audiences in the most beautiful concert halls across the world. Now, I get to play for a bunch of bored teenagers in what was once a Blockbuster Video in a failing strip mall,” said Kingsley. “I could either take this job or start learning a more lucrative instrument. Bassoon players, accordionists…. even lowly triangle players pull in more annually than me.”

Buzz Eastman, a self-described “serial entrepreneur” who launched Screamz Manor, says the project is the culmination of his creative vision and love of money.

“This ain’t your mommy and daddy’s haunted house. We got Draculas, we got gorillas, heck we even have both Freddies and Jasons,” said Eastman while counting a stack of single dollar bills. “There’s also a fancy lady who doesn’t look like she wants to be there waving her hands over a television antenna making spooky sounds to scare the bejeezus out of you. I went ahead and hired this woman who plays some sorta crazy instrument that sounds right out of a B-movie. Her sound effects are bringing a whole ‘nother level of ‘creepy’ to the gig!”

Classical music critic Agatha Pemberton commented on Kingsley’s performance in the Manor’s penultimate fright night.

“While it was difficult to hear over the laughter of people responding to the actors stumbling around unable to see through their ill-fitting monster masks, Kingsley’s ethereal playing filled the space with beauty, which would otherwise be a dark void lacking any sense of art or trace of human intellect,” said Pemberton while adjusting her opera glasses. “Perhaps next year she will finally play in one of these establishments that is worth her pedigree, such as Halloween Horror Nights on the West Coast. Anywhere else is, frankly, a waste.”

As of press time, Kingsley’s act of selling out and loss of dignity has brought in extra income that has made it possible for her to pay off .001% of the interest on the student loan she took out to study classical music at the Berklee College of Music.

Real Life Body Horror? This Guy Turned 40

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Our own vanity plays a huge part in making the “body horror” genre of movies so terrifying. One day you’re walking around in your mid-20’s in the prime of your life, and the next thing you know flesh-eating bacteria is melting your face off or hair starts growing out of your eyeballs.

Such is the case of Josh Albertson. Maybe it’s not exactly like the movies but for all intents and purposes he’s become a grotesque caricature of himself, because as of today he’s been alive for exactly 40 years.

“I didn’t even notice until my nephew asked me what the 1900’s were like. Then the changes came all at once. Like head splitting bouts of tinnitus, acute heartburn that felt like something was going to bust out of my chest, and all the like. It wasn’t until I woke up with hemorrhoids this morning that I realized we’d have to change my birthday dinner from Mexican food to something bland.”

Has he tampered in God’s domain with all the supplements and vitamins he’s taken over the years, or did he take his youth for granted and is now trapped inside the prison that is rapidly collapsing health? Surely humans were not meant to exist this long. Somebody get David Cronenberg on the phone!

This poor bastard must’ve made a wish on a monkey’s paw or pissed off a witch in his youth, judging by the way his body is collapsing almost to the minute he exited the womb four decades prior. Either that or male pattern baldness skipped a generation and he’s getting the shit end of the genetic lottery.

“Last month I went to a house show and I swear I only had two beers and hung out in the back of the crowd. I woke up the next day and felt like I’d been in a car accident. What the hell is happening to me? I feel like I’m living out the plot of ‘Thinner’.”

If this is 40, we shudder to think what’s in store for next year. At this rate he’s one violent sneeze away from evacuating his central nervous system through his nasal cavity, that is if he doesn’t pull every muscle in his back blowing out the birthday candles first.

While there’s no telling how much time Josh has left until he starts looking, one thing is certain: his insurance isn’t covering any of this shit.

Self-Conscious Metalhead Nervous After Finding Peter Steele Issue of Playgirl Under Girlfriend’s Mattress

Posted on by Robert Butler

NEW YORK — Local metalhead Noel Donner is feeling nervous about the longevity of his relationship after finding the Peter Steele issue of Playgirl hidden underneath his girlfriend’s mattress, multiple sources confirmed.

“To be honest, this kinda stings. I was under the impression she was into scrawny, balding, bearded guys who are under six feet tall,” said a visibly dejected Donner. “But turns out, I’m the complete opposite of her type. I didn’t suspect she was really into dudes who look as if they were chiseled from stone and obnoxiously dripping sex appeal. If this is what she’s envisioning every time she closes her eyes during sex, it’s only a matter of time before it’s all over for me.”

Since the incident, Donner began wearing nail polish and combat boots in what his girlfriend Debbie Collins claims to be a “desperate effort.”

“I think this really hit him right in the confidence,” explained an exasperated Collins. “It certainly didn’t help when I told him it was hung on the ceiling over my bed before we met. He also didn’t seem to appreciate the lipstick stains near Peter’s crotch, he even stopped counting them. I also really hope he never jokingly asks me if I’ve named my vibrator, because the answer would just destroy him. Regardless, I’m really hoping he gets over this soon, because fishnet shirts are not a great look for him.”

Metalheads inquiring about surgical procedures to look like the Type O Negative frontman are common, according to plastic surgeon John Peterson.

“In my 30 years of practicing, there’s been a steady line of younger men asking me if I can make them look like Peter Steele. And I’ve only ever had one answer, and that is no,” said Peterson. “I can’t add more vertebrae to your spine to make you taller. No, I can’t extend your shoulders and make them broad as a forklift. And no, I can’t make your voice sound as deep, smooth and rich as his. The technology isn’t there yet. The only recommendation I have is adding more black to your wardrobe, wearing a large dog chain for a guitar strap, and making an effort to exclusively look pissed off. I’m just a surgeon, not a miracle maker. Some art just can’t be replicated.”

At press time, the couple agreed to return the 1995 Playgirl back to where it belongs: on the ceiling above the bed so it’s the first thing they see when they open their eyes in the morning.

Six Songs We Listened To This Week While Trying To Pretend Anything Is Spookier Than Real Life

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Well folks, it’s been another week filled with rapidly decreasing sunlight and gross moldy leaves that remind you of your own fleeting mortality. Nobody likes a downer, though, so it’s time to focus on the treasures that life sometimes has to offer, namely new music. To get you out of your fall funk, we’ve hand selected six tracks that are sure to make you forget that the sun sets the minute you get out of work. They might not fix your nocturnal dread spiral, but they’re sure to make you feel like you have some company for a change. Here goes.

Amyl and The Sniffers ‘Jerkin’’

Good fucking god, it’s about time we got a new album from Aussie punk quartet Amyl and The Sniffers. Their highly anticipated third album, ‘Cartoon Darkness’ dropped this Friday and it’s a certified doozy. From the opening track ‘Jerkin’’ to the ripping closer ‘Me and the Girls,’ there is hardly a second of downtime, further cementing the band as one of the best of the genre. Perhaps nothing will truly save rock and roll, but this is a good start.

Katie Gavin ‘As Good As It Gets feat. Mitski’

Just in time for your regular depression to turn into seasonal depression, Katie Gavin of Muna released her excellent debut solo album ‘What A Relief.’ Though it may be more stripped back than the dancier stylings of her band, it’s still full of Gavin’s penchant for catchy lyricism and pop sensibility. As if the album didn’t have enough emotional depth, Gavin drives the knife in harder by inviting Mitski to feature on the latest single ‘As Good As It Gets.’

Better Lovers ‘Love As An Act of Rebellion’

Shut the fuck up and stop whatever it is that you’re doing. Better Lovers finally released their hotly anticipated debut album ‘Highly Irresponsible.’ We think ‘irresponsible’ might be underselling the absolute fury contained within the record’s 10 blistering tracks. A better name for this album would be ‘Highly Illegal’ as we’re pretty sure playing some of these riffs in public would be considered a felony in several states.

Soccer Mommy ‘Abigail’

With the light of summer fading quicker and quicker every day, it seems fitting that all of the most melancholy indie albums of the year are coming out in full force. Soccer Mommy’s excellent ‘Evergreen’ is no exception. The most recent single from the effort, ‘Abigail’ is an ode to singer Sophie Alison’s fictional wife in the hit game “Stardew Valley,” which should make you feel less alone in the unhealthy relationships you’ll likely forge within the game over the next few cold and unforgiving months.

Great Grandpa ‘Doom’

Seattle’s beloved indie rock quintet Great Grandpa nearly disbanded in 2020 following the release of their breakthrough album ‘Four of Arrows.’ Many fans worried they would never hear the complex and layered sound of the group again. As is the case with most indie kid worries, these fears were unfounded. The band recently announced their reunion and have been working on a new album. The collection will be the outfit’s first new album in five years. If it’s anywhere near as strong as the latest single ‘Doom,’ we’ll all be weeping for months after its release.

Ghoul Lewis and the Boos ‘Horror Boogie’

Celebrating a holiday dedicated to horror during an election year feels like a bit redundant. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to have a little bit of fun. We know it seems impossible, but maybe a goofy Halloween song from a band with a ‘so bad it’s funny’ name will help brighten your spirits a bit. That’s right. It’s ‘Horror Boogie’ from Ghoul Lewis and the Boos. Put it on during your Halloween Party and it will be a sure fire way to get things moving. It’s no ‘Monster Mash’ but look, we’re trying here.

We know six songs isn’t enough to fill the void, so we’ve compiled these and probably too many more into a massive and disorienting playlist. Click here to like, follow, and never be left alone with your thoughts again.

Five Couples Costumes for Halloween That Also Kinda Work If You Break Up

Posted on by Jessica Lillian

Yikes! Is your relationship on the rocks — or fully over — right when you were supposed to be dressing up for Halloween to show the world just how adorably clever and in love you are?

Don’t panic. Never let a silly little breakup stand in the way of doing that couples costume. Whether you’re going to hit the parties alone or with your now-ex, we have some ideas that … kinda work. Or might just make it all even more weird and sad. Either way, your whole Instagram following can’t wait to see!

Salt and Pepper Shakers

Breakup pivot: If you’re pepper, you suddenly passionate about the cardiovascular benefits of a strict low-sodium diet. Or you’re a solo salt shaker, but your delicate digestive system can no longer handle the spice of pepper. Either way, you don’t sound fun at all. And everyone is probably going to be asking all night where the other shaker is and then you’ll break down sobbing and start desperately stuffing your face with Three Musketeers bars, but technically this costume still works and that’s all that matters.

Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love

Sweet, one half of the couple you were going to dress as is very famously dead? Doesn’t get more convenient and dark than that! You can even both still go to the party. Drink up that mystery witch’s brew punch and let the rumors fly, baby. Just remember no one wants to see the two of you arguing in public again about who gets to keep the dog now.

King and Queen of Hearts

Hey man, sorry you were … dealt a bad hand there with that breakup. Your new look is a forgotten stray playing card peeled off the carpet at a dingy casino. Roll around in a stale mix of dust, cigarette ash, and spilled sticky cocktails. Add a few deep creases by stumbling into a wall or two, and you’re ready to go, you lonely little cardboard king or queen.

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez

Look, if this was already going be your couple costume, you probably should’ve seen the end of your relationship coming for a while. Your friends definitely all did. They all just didn’t want to say it, and it was kind of fun seeing how long you’d last this time. But now you’re both going to kill it with that messy emotional realism! Grab that Dunkin’ coffee and put on your sunglasses. Bonus: If you get back together yet again at the last minute, you’re also all set.

Plug and Socket

We’re just going to be honest: This one is already stupid and overplayed either way. But now that you’re wandering around the party solo holding a floppy little plug with no socket to be found, it’ll look even more pathetic. Your only hope here is to pretend to be electrocuted. Maybe even dead. Happy Halloween!

Goth Show Offers Discounted Admission For Attendees Who Bring a Glassy-Eyed Victorian Doll To Donate To Creepy Charity

Posted on by James Knapp

HARTFORD, Conn. — Attendees at a recent performance by goth band Choking Ghost were admitted at a discount provided they brought a donation in the form of a “doubtlessly haunted” doll, spooky sources confirmed.

“In the infinite darkness that consumes all of our lives, it’s still important to give back,” explained the show’s promoter Helen “Mockingbird” Stuhlwitz. “That’s why we decided to use live music to help provide glassy-eyed Victorian dolls to those in need. Most people don’t realize just how badly they need a terrifying doll in their life until they finally receive one, and then awaken in the middle of the night to find it hovering above them in their bed. That sort of experience really does change one’s life.”

Showgoer Donovan Glazier, though supportive, expressed confusion as to the benefit of this particular charity.

“Though I appreciate not having to pay full price for the show tonight, I don’t see how these creepy fucking things actually help anyone,” said Glazier while depositing his contribution into a charred wooden crate next to the venue’s entrance. “I found that doll at an antique shop a few blocks from here. The goddamn thing wouldn’t stop humming the whole walk here and I swear I saw the eyes start glowing silver at one point. If that helps someone less fortunate, fine, but I’m just glad to be rid of it.”

A terrifying haunted doll known by the moniker “Isabella the Pox” described its feelings about being a charitable donation, which it could only articulate in the form of an eerie children’s nursery rhyme.

“In the darkness we will dream,
silent as we constantly scream.
Hollow eyes are always watching,
We will eat your niece’s hamster.

“A thousand years of blood upon you,
then we will return to sleep.
Nothing left of earth or heaven.
Our collective father was a swamp monster.”

At press time, members of Choking Ghost were thrilled that there appeared to be much more blood seeping through the green rooms walls than at any other venue they had played before.

Feel Old Yet? The Demon Goat Guy on the Cover of Venom’s “Black Metal” Just Had His 4,078th Birthday

Posted on by Chris Bowen

Who’s got two horns, helped to spearhead the first wave (and only true wave, for my money) of black metal and just hit the big 4,078-years-young milestone? No, it’s not the cloven-hoofed lad from Slayer’s “Show No Mercy,” but rather none other than the iconic demon goat from the cover of Venom’s “Black Metal” record!

And you can rest assured that it was one hell of a time.

All the “who’s who” of the metal world showed up for Mr. Demon Goat’s (D.G. for short) big b-day bash. Tom Warrior of Celtic Frost was there, and brought his world famous vegan pentagram-sugar cookies. Royalty also made an appearance, as King Diamond arrived bearing his (in)famous party favors of strawberry upside-down cross cake! And no party is complete without Fenriz bringing his homemade basement brew.

Even legends who are no longer among the living made it out for the momentous occasion.

“D.G. and Motörhead go way back,” said party guest Lemmy Kilmister. “As a matter of fact, D.G. and I did PCP for the first time together back in the seventies before he got the big Venom gig. I watched the sonofabitch flip 8 cop cars before burrowing back into the depths of Hell. We have been buds ever since.”

Amongst the debauchery and craziness however, there was a question on practically everybody’s mind: “Where are the Venom guys?”

“I made it pretty clear that I didn’t want any members from any iteration of Venom at my birthday party,” D.G. sternly explained. “If they can’t get along, and want to start 9 different versions of Venom, be my guest, but I refuse to take part in their silly, childish games. I’m sure Cronos will have something smart to say about that, and stoop to some level of picking on me about my age or something but let him. Because even at 4,078 years old, I still have a better hairline than he does.”

Ouch D.G., ouch!

So here’s to another 4,078 years to one of metal’s most iconic silver-faced demons! Maybe someday he’ll have a change of heart and reunite with the ones who put his name on the map, but until then, I think the song title “Leave Me in Hell” pretty much sums up his happy-go-lucky approach to life.