Registered Sex Offender Forced to Go Door to Door to Inform Neighbors He’s in Trump’s Cabinet

Posted on by Bobby Korec

MINNEAPOLIS — Registered sex offender Tim Finhook was court-mandated to go door to door in an effort to inform neighbors that he’s a part of newly reelected Donald Trump’s cabinet, confirmed sources who turned off their lights to make it look like no one was home as the doorbell rang.

“I cannot believe I am judicially obligated to tell Jerry next door that I’ve been appointed to the Department of Veterans Affairs in Trump’s revamped government. How embarrassing,” said Finhook. “I even had to register my conviction on one of those weird websites with a .gov domain extension. Unfortunately, when you are a registered sex offender you are disqualified from about 80% of jobs out there, so I’m relegated to Nickelodeon television producer, Catholic priest, or principal advisory body member in Donald Trump’s administration. I don’t think my reputation will ever recover from this.”

Trump supporters didn’t quite see what the big deal was with the controversial cabinet pick.

“Sexual predators are people who need to oversee government agencies just like everyone else,” said Terry Vanguard while draped in nothing but a 20-foot MAGA flag he uses as pajamas. “Convicted felons who break the law are far more qualified for governmental positions since they already know how the judicial system works firsthand. That’s why Trump and Epstein were such close friends. Trump was just trying to be supportive of his sex offender pal. He treats sexual predators with the respect that they deserve.”

Experts believed the President-Elect was selecting questionable cabinet candidates intentionally.

“Trump has been scouring sex offender registries like they’re LinkedIn profiles,” said Republican strategist Lou Foglorn. “Rape, child porn, couch kinks. These are the qualities Donald is looking for in potential candidates to fill his staff. It appears that he wants loyalists, and nothing makes you more faithful than getting pardoned for your illicitly inappropriate behavior. Trump would add a few tax evaders into the cabinet mix, but for some reason this country can get behind sexual predators like it’s nothing, but not cold-blooded IRS fraudsters.”

At press time, Trump was seen asking correctional officers if they’d let Jerry Sandusky out of prison in order to serve in the Department of Housing and Urban Development.

Couple Separated by Mosh Pit Promise to Find Each Other Again Someday

Posted on by Matt Oriente

CHICAGO — David Arrivale and Michelle Esposito were tragically separated after wandering too close to a mosh pit during a recent Good Hangs show, confirmed sources.

“It all happened so fast,” Arrivale said, still visibly shaken. “We had a perfect spot in front of the sound booth, but then this guy—who must have been 6’5”—just parked himself right in front of us. We tried to find a better spot during the second song, but then the pit opened up. It was manageable at first but then the singer leaned over the stage with the microphone pointed at the crowd. Of course, I had no choice but to get in there and sing along. I should’ve stayed with her but there are codes you have to abide by in the pit: someone falls down, you pick them up and when a microphone is thrust into the crowd, you rush toward it like a baby bird at feeding time. I just miss her and want her to know that I love her. I’ve already filed a missing persons report and stapled several flyers around the venue asking for any information about her whereabouts.”

Eyewitnesses described the couple’s attempt to stay together as a bold but ultimately doomed effort.

“Mosh pits are tricky, if you aren’t careful you can end up on the front lines of a wall of death,” explained showgoer James Antone. “And from my vantage, they weren’t being all that careful. I could see them struggling and at one point it looked as though he just abandoned her. And once the circle pit gets going, casual bystanders are sucked in like a vortex and forced to establish a new life on the other side of the floor.”

Venue security held a press conference outside shortly after the incident occurred, detailing their response to the chaotic scene.

“Our team initially tried to enter the pit in an attempt to pull the couple out,” explained Jordan Fellows, the venue’s head of security and sometimes barback. “The situation became more chaotic after the singer practically jumped into the crowd. I have my guy’s safety to think about. We called off the rescue operation after determining they could just wait till the song ended to reunite. That didn’t work out. We’ve assumed they’re both dead at this point.”

Meanwhile, Arrivale contacted a milk company to see about getting Esposito’s photograph on the back of a carton in an attempt to track her down.

Oh You’re an Artist? Name Three Debt Collectors Chasing You for Unpaid Tuition at a College You Dropped Out of Because ‘Art Can’t Be Taught’

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

Ah, nothing delights me more than encountering someone with the audacity to declare themselves an artist. Oh, you really are an artist? You swaggered into this coffeehouse, oversized glasses perched on your nose, and head of unkempt hair that screams “I’m here to make profound statements and change nonlinear epistolary narrative non-metafiction forever!” Yet I can’t help but notice that you are able to afford that latte. That seems odd considering you claim to be an artist. Well then, list three collection agencies pursuing you for those sky-high tuition fees from the art schools you abandoned because you now believe “art can’t be taught.”

Interesting: when I challenge you to name those three debt collectors, suddenly the air shifts. Your confidence deflates like the air escaping from a thousand balloons in one of Yayoi Kusama’s installation exhibits. “Uh, well…” You stumble over names, clutching your sketchbook filled with half-finished doodles. “There’s, um, Credit Control and…uh, The CBE Group..” You’re almost there, but I can see the panic rising. “Oh! And, um, Credit Control Recovery?”

GOTCHA! I know Credit Control Recovery is fake because, let’s face it, I’m drowning in crippling debt from dropping out of twelve different schools; from universities to liberal arts colleges to art schools that ‘don’t believe in grades’. I know every debt collector out there. I once got a call from Midland Recovery Solutions and they threatened to send me to debtors’ prison. My growing list of unpaid tuition has given me a credit score of 12 and they repossessed my fixed-gear wheelie.

You’ve managed to weave a tapestry of lies to masquerade as an artist but I know the truth. And don’t get me wrong, 60% of being an artist is lying; about your past, about how far along you are on your current project, about being familiar with the works of Hernando de la Vega. Oh you know his work? Funny because I just made him up. See, lying is a part of who we are but pretending to make art without the vultures of debt collection circling above your head is unforgivable.

The irony is too delicious. I dropped out because I believe creativity is beyond the confines of formal education. Yet here you are, trapped in an existential crisis pretending to be harassed by relentless collectors, clinging to the false identity of an artist. In a way, feigning this financial persecution becomes an art form in itself—an elaborate performance is a brushstroke on the canvas of your life. Like a Marina Abramović piece, the act of pretending to be hounded by creditors is a profound commentary on the struggles of the artistic spirit. Bravo.

Drone Metal Fan Needs Bathroom Break But Doesn’t Want To Miss Favorite Note

Posted on by Matt McInerney

OLYMPIA, Wash. — Local drone metal fan Judson Riley waited patiently through an entire show to use the bathroom so he wouldn’t miss his favorite note, anxious downstream sources confirmed.

“I’ve been waiting the whole set to hear B-flat, but it’s been almost an hour and so far nothing. I’m having a good time, but if I pace around much longer, I think I’m gonna burst. I knew pounding Hard Noons in the parking lot was a bad idea,” said Riley as he swayed painfully back and forth. “I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. I still can’t live down that time I brought an extra-large Diet Pepsi into a ‘Lord of the Rings’ movie. I was already embarrassed enough thinking everyone would assume I’m into black metal. I didn’t need to be slightly more embarrassed pissing myself.”

Leslie Cordova, guitar tech for the band Endless Longing, is extremely familiar with their set.

“Sure, I know the setlist by heart at this point. But I don’t remember seeing any of the B-flat songs. If you’re waiting on that, you’re gonna have a long night. You know they’re playing ‘The Elks Made Porridge in the Dragon’s Den’ in its entirety, right?” said Cordova as he pointed to the tour poster of the same name. “There’s not a single B-flat in the whole thing. Maybe they’ll play something different for an encore, but I promise you they’re going to get through all 157 minutes of that album first.”

Charley Parks, longtime janitor for the venue, was almost wrapping up for the evening.

“I saw him rush in while I was mopping up. I could see the relief in his eyes as he finally made it to the stall, but no. The asshole pissed all over my floor, just inches away from the toilet,” said Parks, rolling his eyes. “I don’t know what’s wrong with these metalheads. As he walked out in shame, I could hear him muttering something about a note. I’ve heard of the brown note, but what’s the one that makes you piss on the tile?”

At press time, Riley was overheard assuring friends in the parking lot, “I know what it says, but I’m pretty sure ‘E’ means we’ve got at least 100 miles.”

Matt Gaetz Tells Girlfriend He Can Attend Quinceañera After All

Posted on by Tim Graham

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Former Florida representative Matt Gaetz informed his girlfriend Valentina he will be able to go to her 15th birthday party after ending his bid for Attorney General, sources who attend Rickards High School confirm.

“Of course I’m disappointed I won’t get to be Attorney General and mete out legal punishments according to President Trump’s every vindictive whim,” said Gaetz as he shopped for a tuxedo for the upcoming event. “But the confirmation process was becoming too disruptive for my family—by which I mean myself and Nestor, my sort-of-adopted adult son. In any case, now that I’m out of Congress and not getting the AG job, the silver lining is that I have the time to go to Valentina’s quinceañera. She’s not my girlfriend of course, that’s silly. She’s just a good, good friend who also happens to be a teenage girl.”

Valentina’s parents had hoped Gaetz would get the nomination and leave their daughter alone.

“He’s a smooth-talker who would shower our family with gifts,” said Valentina’s father Luis. “I thought he was trying to set up his ‘son’ with my daughter, but I soon realized his intentions were more sinister. I hoped he would get this new job and fuck off for Washington. We’ve done everything we can to keep him away, but he’s very persistent. We don’t plan on letting him into the party. I’ve got some cousins coming in from Miami who are strapped and won’t take any shit from that Joker-looking pendejo.”

Conservative podcaster Daniel Ghent claims Gaetz is a victim of a leftist witch hunt.

“I’ve known Matt for years. He’s a standup guy,” said Ghent while working on a display of German military memorabilia for his studio. “The communists in the fake news media only targeted him because they were threatened by a strong, attractive Alpha male who didn’t take shit from anybody. And because of their smear-campaign, we’re not going to have him as AG. The Deep State has tried to take down Trump for a decade and couldn’t, so now they’re going after his buddies. The good news is Matt invited me on a trip to Thailand soon, which will be fun.”

At press time, Gaetz had reportedly created a Reddit post asking how to make Venmo payments private.

Musk and Trump Bond Over Which of Their Children They Hate Most and Which One They’d Most Like to Sleep With

Posted on by Stephen Bell

WASHINGTON — The world’s richest man Elon Musk and President-elect Donald Trump are reportedly closer than ever after finding common ground while discussing which of their kids they hate, and which one they’d most like to have sex with, sources controlling the levers of power confirmed.

“I could tell that Donald was having some trouble understanding my sense of humor, it’s pretty advanced, but I knew if I just gave his campaign enough money he would finally find me funny,” said Musk in between working on his DOGE initiative. “One day I asked him if he’d ever played the game Fuck, Marry, Kill and he said no so we played it as an icebreaker. Naturally, I did what any good father would do and made it about our respective children. I of course would kill my kid who contracted the woke mind virus, sleep with the triplets, and marry whichever one looked the most like me. Gotta keep the bloodline pure and ongoing!”

Trump was more than happy to play along with this game.

“I don’t make mistakes often, people say I’m nearly perfect. Eric was a mistake, but I blame that on his mother, she was a real nasty woman. Low IQ, flat butt, the best deal I ever made was getting out of that marriage. But honestly, I wish I had more kids, specifically I wish I had more daughters because Ivanka is so gorgeous, the world would be a nicer place with more Ivankas,” said Trump. “I’d marry Ivanka, sleep with Ivanka, and I’d kill any of my kids that wanted to break their NDA even if it was Ivanka. But think of how many more options I’d have if I either recognized my secret children or if I hadn’t paid for all of those abortions. That’s why I got rid of Roe, people love me for that.”

Republican Speaker of the House Mike Johnson insisted that this perverse exercise was just locker room talk.

“Obviously this was two dads having a larf about their kids,” said Johnson. “What parent hasn’t thought about how handsome their child is or about whom they’d think would make for a good bride as soon as they turn 11. And the talk of killing them? Well some kids just need discipline and threatening to murder them is an acceptable and loving way of doing so. Or if they’re gay actually killing them is just an act of you acting out god’s mercy.”

At press time the conversation had become awkward again after J.D. Vance came in and started listing furniture.

Woman Enters Fifth Stage of Grief Trying to Put on Duvet Cover

Posted on by Dom Turek

CHULA VISTA, Calif — After spending hours trying to put her newly washed duvet cover back on her comforter, an exhausted, sweat-covered Elianna Davies finally succumbed to the fifth stage of grief and accepted it was a project for another day, sources close to the victim confirmed.

“At first it was pure unadulterated anger,” said the grief-stricken Davies. “Turning the closed fist towards the heavens, I cried out to God, ‘Why me?’ That’s when the guilt came pouring in. Most people try to comfort you by saying it wasn’t your fault, but if I wasn’t eating sushi in bed, I wouldn’t have spilled half a cup of soy sauce on my duvet cover and I wouldn’t be in this predicament. That’s what picks away at you.”

Despite being considered a stoic and independent woman by her family and friends, those closest to Davies worry that she is just one minor inconvenience away from unraveling.

“This year alone, she lost almost all her Tupperware and is just left with a useless pile of lids,” said Simon Bowers, Davies’ longtime partner. “How much loss can one person take before they fall apart? I offered to help when I saw her flailing around inside the duvet, but she screamed at me to go away and told me I ‘wouldn’t understand.’ When she finds out our vacuum cleaner is overheating and just spewing out dust, all hell is going to break loose.”

Thankfully, grief experts say humans are capable of rebounding from extreme emotional lows and becoming somewhat recognizable versions of themselves again.

“You should stay in the denial stage as long as you can,” said grief counselor and esteemed author of “Top of the Mourning to You” Ingrid Pugh. “However, if you’re already too far along in the grief process, I suggest a prolonged stay in the anger phase. There’s no shame in deciding duvets are a complete waste of energy and burning the entire comforter set in the backyard while the neighbors watch in horror.”

At press time, Davies was seen checking herself into a local mental health treatment center after putting her fitted sheet on the wrong way.

Here’s What Trump Really Meant When He Said “I Will Literally Line Up My Political Rivals and Have Them Executed by Firing Squad”

Posted on by Tim Graham

Here we go again—the libs are panicking about another innocent, off-the-cuff comment from President Trump. It’s exhausting having to explain what Trump actually meant to a bunch of reactionary bedwetters every time he speaks his mind. Trump has already been President and barely even brought us to the brink of chaos, and you’re still not accustomed to his manner of speaking. Still you flip your lids whenever he expresses an opinion. Then people like myself are forced to waste our time helping the pearl-clutching left understand Trump’s true intention.

Of course he wasn’t actually talking about slaughtering Democrats, members of the media and dissidents in a hail of bullets. Do I really need to point out that “literally” doesn’t actually mean “literally” anymore? If someone says, “I literally died laughing,” you know they didn’t really die. In this case, Trump employed a clever metaphor: He was simply making the point that he would hold the enemies of freedom accountable for their ineptitude and corruption. The suggestion that he intends to initiate some sort of systemic purge of his domestic rivals is frankly pretty offensive.

Are you familiar with “The Weave”? That’s Trump’s term for the masterful way his monologues touch on a wide variety of subjects before he eventually connects the dots and ties everything together. What you’re alleging he said about the wholesale extrajudicial murder of his enemies was just one of many issues he brought up in a three-hour speech, and once again the radical left is cherry-picking, taking things out of context and losing their minds.

Furthermore, when Mr. Trump added that he would hold lotteries giving loyalists a chance to win a spot on the firing squads just demonstrates how creative he is with the English language. The fact so many liberals misconstrued that as well highlights how intellectually compromised the lot of you are.

I admit that President Trump’s language can come off as coarse at times, but he’s a tough businessman, not a bought-and-paid-for Washington insider. Enough with the hand-wringing about what he meant by this or that. We need to end these disingenuous witch hunts and let Trump exercise his First Amendment right to speak his mind and lead the country toward prosperity and greatness. Again. And maybe again after that, we’ll see.

Totally Pathetic Local Band Actually Gives It Their All Onstage

Posted on by Wyatt Fair

OKLAHOMA CITY, Okla. – Local indie rock quartet Girlfriend’s Homework were treated to a “cacophony” of boos after they earnestly attempted showmanship onstage, disgusted sources report.

“Oh man, it was like one of those…what’s that German word for like, secondhand shame? Seinfeld? Sorry, I’m kinda out of it, I just worked a rodeo sponsored by weed influencers,” said Sherman Talk, a vegan sandwich artist who attended the band’s gig last weekend. “They kicked off their set with some super competent riffing. So cringe! And then the singer, he pops in with this really poetic lyric about his acute sense of isolation in the modern world. I can still feel my skin crawling. Apparently he just lost a parent to Alzheimer’s? He had this perfect blend of tragi-comic songwriting and vibrant onstage charisma that was so deeply embarrassing to witness.”

Frontman Daniel Matts knew from the get-go that the performance was heading south.

“There’s no way around it, man. We practiced way too much,” said Matts, a lifelong OKC native who started a non-profit to support cafeterias at underfunded elementary schools. “Our sound has never been more cohesive, and I’ve been reading a ton of 19th-century Irish romantic poetry that’s definitely been influencing my songwriting. That gig was the culmination of countless sleepless nights in the studio, hours of blood, sweat, and calluses. That level of total commitment to our art was definitely our first mistake.”

Unfortunately, producer Bernard Token, who was scouting the Southwest for new talent to sign to his record label, walked out during the show.

“Girlfriend’s Homework…man, that gig was rough,” laughed Token, who founded the iconic indie label Afraid Of Women using money that his great-uncle Henry Kissinger Venmoed him a few years ago. “A humiliating display of camaraderie. You can tell those guys just loooove playing music together. I’m pretty sure their drummer broke a sweat and everything. Guys like me who understand the industry are looking for a much more cynical, detached, and emotionally void product to work with.”

As of press time, Girlfriend’s Homework bassist Mike Tooth decided to quit the band to focus on his electronic solo career, an indie sleaze revival act like The Dare but with no computers, just bass.

Every Atom And His Package Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Anthony Carrano

If you were aware of Philadelphia’s Atom and His Package in the late ‘90s/early 2000’s, it was either because you had a friend who liked Atom so much it was kind of annoying, or you were the annoying friend. If you’re aware of him now, it’s because you still have/are that friend, you’re aware of his more recent bands Armalite or Dead Best, or he was your high school chemistry teacher. After years of playing in local bands, Adam Goren (AKA Atom) started writing, recording, and releasing his own music on a collection of synthesizers and music sequencers (AKA His Package). Back when many punk solo musicians were just dudes singing punk songs while gorilla-strumming power chords on an acoustic guitar, Atom brought in electronic instrumentation and a level of humor constantly oscillating between immature and intelligent. Here we rank his full-length albums. You’re free to disagree, but you’ll have to return the TI-83 graphing calculator we loaned you freshman year.

5. Atom & His Package (AKA The First C.D.) (1997)

This album only ranks the worst because of how much the added guitar in later releases improves the sound. The exclusive use of sequencer and vocals on this album gives the music a lo-fi chiptune feel. The “Where Eagles Dare” Misfits cover still works well with this arrangement. Your friends might find the nasally vocals and lo-fi keyboard instrumentation annoying, but the songs rule, no matter how many wedgies you get for sneaking them into the party playlist. Need proof? The rock versions of “Avenger,” “He Kissed Me,” “Head (She’s Just A)”and “Atom and His Package” all rip when Atom re-records them as the “band” Lobster Mobster on “Making Love.”

Play it again: “Snowshoe BBQ”
Skip it: “Tim Allen Is Not Very Funny”

4. Making Love (1999)

The sound is still mostly sequencer/synthesizer driven, but there are a few guitar-driven tracks on this album that make you feel less nerdy for how much you enjoy it. “Hats Off to Halford” salutes Rob Halford for being an openly gay heavy metal musician, breaks into a Screeching Weasel chorus, and calls Slayer “Nazi fuckin’ pricks” for their use of Nazi iconography. Risking the anger of Slayer fans has to be one of the biggest I-don’t-give-a-shit-if-you-beat-me-up /standing-up-to-a-bully moves out there.

Play it again: “(Lord It’s Hard to Be Happy When You’re Not) Using the Metric System”
Skip it: “Bloody Lip,” but at 18 seconds long, you gotta be quick about it.

3. Attention! Blah Blah Blah (2003)

The final release is Atom’s most guitar-driven album. Sequencers are still present, but it sounds more like a keyboard rock band than a one-man sequencing act. As such, your enjoyment of this album is the least likely to get your lunch money stolen. “Mustache T.V.” informs us of the potential mental health benefits of putting scotch tape mustaches on the television, while “Dear Atom, You Do Not Want Children, Love, Atom.” explores his desire to have a child in spite of a letter he’d previously written to himself listing the reasons he didn’t “want no babies.” We’d rank this album higher, but every punk knows they’re bound to the convictions of their younger selves for life, no matter how unrealistic, arbitrary, or contradictory.

Play it again: “I’m Downright Amazed at What I Can Destroy With Just a Hammer”
Skip it: “Matt Werth Speaks”

2. Redefining Music (2001)

Guitar usage begins to catch up to the use of sequencers with this album, allowing them to complement each other. It’s still a good idea to watch out for wet willies if you put any of these songs on the road trip mix. “Shopping Spree” steals a chorus from Flagstaff’s The Dali Llamas, explaining in the verses that Atom actually wrote the song on tour, and they stole it from him. There’s also a song about using anarchy as an excuse for not picking up your trash, and another calling NFL team owner Daniel Snyder a cock for his decades-long refusal to change his team’s name from a racial slur.

Play it again: “Upside Down from Here”
Skip it: “Open Your Heart,” but only because it’s not the version that’s always playing at the grocery store

1. A Society of People Named Elihu (1997)

Atom’s second album still predominantly features sequencers in the arrangement, but it bends the beeps and boops toward a more traditional punk rock feel. The quality of the songwriting allows this album to surpass the later releases with a more mature sound. You’re still likely to get pantsed for listening to this one in public, but it’s worth it. It features tongue-in-cheek electronic covers of Fugazi’s “Waiting Room” and Youth of Today’s “Break Down the Walls.” It also features two birthday songs: one for your friends named Ralph and one that works for anyone. “No Way DNA,” recorded by Atom’s old band Fracture, closes out the album. “Punk Rock Academy” imagines a private high school for punk rockers that doesn’t suck while “Me and My Black Metal Friends” imagines befriending black metal bands in a way that doesn’t get you murdered.

Play it again: “Punk Rock Academy”
Skip it: “Sting Cannot Possibly Be the Same Guy Who Was in The Police”