GWAR Forced to Reduce Fake Cum Usage After Tariffs Cut Supply to 5 Barrels a Day

Posted on by Rob Ryder

RICHMOND — Legendary metal group GWAR reportedly cut their usage of onstage fake cum to approximately five barrels a day after new tariffs increased prices to unsustainable levels, drenched sources in the front row confirmed.

“GWAR has always given fans the best, and we’ve always sourced our cum from a classified location on a planet beyond Scumdoggia in the 7th Level of Hexorgan Centari,” said Blöthar the Berserker, who took the helm for the band after his awakening in 2014. “For centuries, the trade federation was peaceful with Earth, but suddenly the galactic balance is out of order, and now we have to pay more for our precious semen. Times are so tough that we’re even considering holding a cum drive charity event to restock our reserves.”

Prop master for GWAR Allen Steubing discussed the task of keeping the band fully stocked on various bodily fluids.

“We’ve always sourced our blood domestically, which is not only great for the local economy, but fiscally responsible as it keeps shipping costs fairly low,” said Steubing while testing the viscosity of a fresh batch of puss. “We tried domestically sourcing spermatic fluid from all around Earth, but it just wasn’t the same. Even with the shipping expenses across several million light years, the extra cost is worth it. Hexorgan Centari cum really is the best and GWAR fans will not tolerate being soaked by anything less.”

Dr. Heidi Bauer of the University of Pennsylvania Economics Department was highly critical of the tariffs and believes their intended impact is not being felt.

“Tariffs like this always have the same consequence, it’s essentially a sales tax on working-class heavy metal, the fans, and the bands. Imagine being an immigrant metal band who came to America to pursue a dream and rule over the human race, and suddenly, you gotta pay 40% more for your bodily emissions,” said Dr. Bauer, while thumbing through a stack of Roadrunner Records compilation CDs. “While importing products like electronics, avocados, and ejaculate may seem like sending money out of the US, it ultimately frees the domestic economy to focus on different sectors including high-tech manufacturing, information technology, and intergalactic theatrical heavy metal.”

At press time, PornHub was rumored to be tapping its vast cum reserve to take advantage of rising prices.

Bus Driver Fed Up with Third “Speed” Situation of Week

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — Local public bus driver Charlene Algren is fed up with the third “Speed” situation that forced her bus into a heart-pumping thrill ride so far this week, according to her oddly diverse and visually distinct group of passengers.

“The CTA [Chicago Transit Authority] has gone to hell the last couple of years,” said Algren while exchanging quips with a ruggedly handsome police officer. “I can barely get through a week without a homicidal maniac with extremely sophisticated bomb construction skills rigging my bus to explode if it drops below a certain speed and bringing even more chaos to a city already on the brink. And don’t even get me started on the sorry state of public transportation etiquette, most of the time I feel like I’m driving a mobile playground full of drunks, plus a bomb.”

Alan Carroll, a personal injury attorney and regular rider of Algren’s route, was also very used to regular “Speed” scenarios.

“At a certain point, if you take public transportation and you’re not building in time for delays or high-octane bus races against time, that’s on you,” said Carroll. “It’s really just such a common thing these days that I factor in an extra 35, 40 minutes for unlikely partnerships that might develop in a pressure-filled bus and, if it’s one of those days that it doesn’t happen, I just have time to get a latte or something. Still, it’s better than taking the Red Line.”

CTA Vice President of Paratransit Operations and Customer Service, David Fowles, said there was little they could do.

“Budget cuts and decreased ridership has hit the CTA hard in recent years,” said Fowles. “It doesn’t help that the city police budget got pushed past $2 billion for 2025, although those guys never really seem to do anything about CTA issues or what we generally call a ‘Money Train’ deal. Pretty much all major cities are currently dealing with increases in high-tech evil geniuses installing speed-sensitive explosive devices on public transportation these days, although I would like to emphasize that muggings and non-manic-exhilaration rollercoaster of action crime has actually dropped to pre-quarantine levels.”

As of press time, Algren was daydreaming about her upcoming vacation on a Caribbean luxury cruise ship that almost certainly would not get wrapped up in the fiendish plans of a computer hacker bent on vengeance.

Opinion: I Already Get Fucked Up Every Night and Sleep on a Floor; I Might as Well Go on Tour

Posted on by Jay Shingle

I think I finally found my career: touring musician! It’s been a long, strange path, but I have put in years of work, and it’s about to pay off. I was sitting up against the wall of my mom’s basement, eating day-old pizza, trying to get my shit together. I looked at my pile of blankets and pillows on the cement floor, my guitar with five of its six strings on, and the collection of empty 40s piled up in the corner–then it dawned on me: I am meant to be on tour!

I remember a guidance counselor once saying that a career isn’t just a job, but it’s a lifestyle. I’ve been practicing the tour lifestyle for all of my teens and most of my 20s. What makes me a “loser” here in the eyes of my friends, family, and most of society will make me a winner out on the road. See, on tour, as long as you play a few notes every night in front of 2-12 people, then you automatically have the excuse to live how I live. I am no stranger to asking random people to crash at their place, and as a band, they feel cool saying yes! Not like Brandon. Fuckin’ Brandon, made me move out after two months because I wasn’t “paying rent nor contributing anything whatsoever to the household.”

Well, the joke is on you Brandon because Clay is coming on tour with me. We are forming a duo, “Acoustic Alchemists,” and we are going to figure it out as we go. Clay said something about supporting me in doing anything but what I was already doing (which is basically just living to party), I don’t know, I wasn’t really listening to him because I am the leader of this band. But it’s going to be great. We will hopefully make a little scratch too, and I won’t even have to ask my step dad for beer money. It’s a win-win! And the drugs I have been buying with money from my mom’s change jar? Not a problem anymore! People love to give bands free drugs on tour. I am almost certain I will get smoked out most nights.

I really hope everyone out there reading has the same realization I did if you are struggling. My message is: don’t try too hard. Craft the career you want for yourself. Practice the lifestyle first, and everything else will fall into place. Clay and I just have to figure out the transportation part of this plan, but his family is loaded, so I bet his grandpa will let him use his van. The guy is senile and doesn’t drive anyway–hopefully he forgot and left some cash in there.

Hot Topic Staff Swaps Out “The Nightmare Before Christmas” Halloween Merch For “The Nightmare Before Christmas” Christmas Merch

Posted on by Jerrod Kingery

SAN ANTONIO — Employees at the Hot Topic store in Ingram Park Mall are working diligently to replace all of the Halloween season “The Nightmare Before Christmas” products for the Christmas season “The Nightmare Before Christmas” merchandise, confirmed hurried sources.

“It’s important to get this product switched out seamlessly, since like 90% of our revenue comes from ‘Nightmare’ merch. The other 10% still comes from nu metal band shirts,” said store manager Luke Marcotte. “But it’s kind of tough to tell this seasonal stuff apart, so you have to know what you’re looking for. Typically the Halloween merch is Oogie Boogie-heavy, while the Christmas stuff is all about Sandy Claws. Except the black holiday Oogie Boogie hoodies, those are for Christmas. Those are different from the black Oogie Boogie hoodies we sell year-round, too, I think. Jeez, they really all look alike. Spencer’s makes stuff like this look so easy.”

“The Nightmare Before Christmas” superfan Matilda Garza has been looking forward to the new Christmas merch drop, but has become frustrated with Hot Topic’s delays.

“Most normal stores have their festive stuff out as soon as Halloween is over, but Hot Topic is so slow,” Garza noted. “I went shopping to get a new Christmas Jack and Sally shirt I saw on TikTok to wear to our Friendsgiving celebration, but all they mainly had was the Dr. Finkelstein shirts and figurines still. So instead I show up wearing the Halloween shirt with the movie poster on it that I bought last year, like I’m some sort of asshole. Get your shit together, Hot Topic!”

Disney Vice President of Seasonal Merchandising Hannah Andrews acknowledges the peculiar place “The Nightmare Before Christmas” has in the company’s sales plan.

“With its roots in both Halloween and Christmas, ‘Nightmare’ merch dominates Q4 sales for us,” Andrews said. “And through our partnership with Hot Topic, we keep fans of the movie engaged with our products year round, especially for those who celebrate the movie during Easter and Labor Day. But yeah, a lot of these goods look the same, and oftentimes we forget to send new products or accidentally release the same Corpse Kid t-shirts over and over again, just with slightly different tags and price points. It’s been over 30 years, and there’s only so many frames of the movie to put on a t-shirt.”

At press time, a massive truckload of money made from “The Nightmare Before Christmas” merchandise residuals was seen backing up to Tim Burton’s house.

Ten Underrated Albums From 1997 to Show Your Younger Cousin to Make You Seem Like Less of a Loser for Being Born in the 1900s

Posted on by Scott Waldman

1997 was a prolific year for rock music with Radiohead’s “OK Computer,” Foo Fighters’ “The Colour And The Shape,” Third Eye Blind’s self-titled LP, and blink-182’s “Dude Ranch” hitting record stores; remember those? However, there are at least ten underrated albums that for one reason or another didn’t have 1/100th of the global impact that the four we referenced above and we listed them all below in alphabetical order. Before you yell at us like you always do, Lifetime’s “Jersey’s Best Dancers,” The Get-Up Kids’ “Four Minute Mile,” The Promise Ring’s “Nothing Feels Good,” Modest Mouse’s “The Lonesome Crowded West,” and other albums in both similar AND different veins are all disqualified as no one on earth but you would consider them underrated. Fun fact: For some reason the first four entries of this piece all start with the letter “H.”

Handsome “Handsome”

If you’re a fan of all things post-hardcore, whatever that means, you’d probably dig Handsome’s lone full-length studio album simply titled, “Handsome.” However, even the most post post-hardcore compatriots missed the boat on this act, which featured former members of way bigger bands Helmet and Quicksand. Now don’t panic, we won’t tell anyone that you have no more street and/or scene cred. Surprisingly to those in the know, this self-titled effort was actually on a major label, Epic Records, which also had hardcore legend Celine Dion on the roster at the time. Sadly, Handsome split up just one year after this fantastic record was released with no public signs of returning any time soon, so dim the lights and say goodbye.

(Hed)P.E. “(Hed)P.E.”

Avid Hard Times fans, stans, trolls, and brilliant beautiful baby scholars may be shocked to see Huntington Beach, California’s (Hed)P.E. here but we’re more concerned about how to type their band name. What’s good is good, and this debut self-titled release is a solid multi-genre rap-rock LP that you likely missed. In a truly awesome flex, the band is still active today, making their THIRTY year career pretty impressive, especially since their entire genre was conisdered dead. Still, the band was introduced to far more fans via their sophomore full-length studio album “Broke,” proving that baby they are survivors. Let’s get to the next act right after we ask one question to the band: What the hell is a “schpamb”?

Hi-Standard “Angry Fist”

Here’s another “H”: Huge. Yes, Japan’s Hi-Standard is enormously popular in the “Land of the Rising Sun,” but never truly broke through here in the states. Pity, as the hidden track rendition of the theme from the “Pink Panther” is more than enough to justify its inclusion on this list… However, the band missed the boat by not calling it the “Punk Panther.” There’s always next year! Anyway, Fat Wreck Chords had a hell of a run during the ’90s and we’ll mention one more FWC (via its subsidiary Honest Don’s Records) album not too long from now. In closing, we are sending every ounce of love to the family and friends of the band’s late drummer Akira Tsuneoka, who passed away in 2023.

H2O “Thicker Than Water”

For some reason, H2O’s debut and third album get a lot more attention than their sophomore full-length studio album/debut for Epitaph Records “Thicker Than Water.” We firmly believe that if this album came out today that the band would have an even larger legacy and likely be direct support on a Turnstile tour. Alas, timing is everything and nothing. At nearly twenty tracks and clocking in at just under a half hour, “Thicker Than Water” is both not much of an investment of your time and a fast, fast punch in the gut that you will enjoy as much as your masochist hearts will allow… Gotta figure it out, all YOU have to do is try!

Limp “Pop & Disorderly”

And now for something completely different: We’re at the section we briefly mentioned earlier about Honest Don’s Records! Dance with bugs to celebrate! The San Francisco Bay’s Limp repped the Fat Wreck Chords endorsement quite well, but likely due to the saturation of bands of this ilk around this time may have gotten lost in the melodic punk shuffle… In fact, they may have gotten lost in FWC’s collective shuffle! Regarding such, we blame you and only you, and we won’t make a Wes Borland joke right now, as it’s low hanging fruit. To quote a younger Roman Reigns, “Believe that!” This record is all killer no filler, and the band’s cover of Lindsey Buckingham of Fleetwood Mac’s “Holiday Road” supplants that fact that doubles as our opinion.

The Muffs “Happy Birthday to Me”

The Muffs’ Kim Shattuck was a badass and she will forever be missed. The band’s last major label record “Happy Birthday To Me” was not only her favorite Muffs release, but easily the most underrated full-length studio album in their even more underrated album catalog. The Muffs are so, so, SO much more than the opening cover song in “Clueless,” and if you disagree you’re, uh, clueless; yeah. Shoutouts are also in order for the band’s rhythm section consisting of Ronnie Barnett on bass and Roy McDonald on drums. This power trio was truly powerful, saccharine, influential, and most importantly, fun. Self-produced albums can go in any qualitative direction, but The Muffs surely got this one right, and vocalist/guitarist/frontwoman/genius found a way to be at the/share the helm for their remaining efforts. Every time one listens to this release, it feels like a birthday!

MU330 “Crab Rangoon”

As stated earlier, NorCal’s Fat Wreck Chords had a heavy hand in many incredible full-length studio albums of the ‘90s, but the same could be said about NorCal’s Asian Man Records as well AMR, not ASMR, has released LPs from Alkaline Trio, Joyce Manor, Skankin’ Pickle, and more, but MU330 truly deserves to complete that “Big Four” with their incredible and underrated catalog. “Crab Rangoon” is easily our favorite one from the band, and this record finds a way to merge Weezer dork rock with third wave ska upstrokes. One may think that that combo won’t work, and many more still use ska as a punchline, but open your minds and try to give multi-genre effort a chance even though we know you just want more Anal Cunt. It rules and you don’t.

Silent Majority “Life Of A Spectator”

Your favorite Long Island bands LOVE this band/album… and that’s NOT all we have to say about that! Melodic hardcore is both a highly specific and vague genre of music, but SM managed to fit it to a “T.” Spin “Life Of A Spectator” right now to learn more and take a pause to honor the band’s late founding member/guitarist Rich Bacovina. Fun fact: Silent Majority featured band members who went on to join way bigger acts Bayside, Glassjaw, and more. Funner opinion that should be a more popular opinion: This record slapped then, and is even more timeless now. Is Silent Majority the most underrated act on this list? Well we don’t know, and nor do we play favorites, but the answer is “yes.”

that dog. “Retreat from the Sun”

You know those incredibly beautiful and haunting female vocals on Jimmy Eat World’s “Bleed American”? Yeah, that’s that dog.’s Rachel Haden. You know the main female vocals on Weezer’s popular non-album track “I Just Threw Out The Love Of My Dreams”? Also, Rachel Haden. Now let’s get to that dog.: The original lineup consisted of Rachel’s sister Petra, Anna Waronker, and Tony Maxwell, all of which deserve as many props as Rachel but we wanted to showcase that you know the band even if you don’t KNOW know the band. Now let’s get to “Retreat from the Sun”: You can call it alternative, you can call it pop-rock, but we here just call it awesome. Sadly the band split after this, their third album, but happily they reunited the next century and put out another, “Old LP,” in 2019 just before the coronavirus apocalypse.

Voodoo Glow Skulls “Baile de Los Locos”

Dance of the crazy people? To quote the man who ends each episode of “Nathan for You”: “Absolutely.” Whether you want to admit it or not, many ska or ska-adjacent albums ruled in and ruled THE ’90s. We still don’t know why Riverside, California’s hybrid frenetic rock and roll band Voodoo Glow Skulls’ third full-length studio album didn’t launch the band to Reel Big Fish heights, but we suppose that this ain’t no disco. Regardless, check it out right now as there are no bands that sound like VGS and no bands should… Our collective souls will remain sick until you spin it! Plus, this album contains a song called “Freeballin’.” Tom Petty would be so, so proud.

Every Tigers Jaw Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

If you remember aimlessly walking around the local mall and eating at Sbarro with your Converse, or god forbid, your Osiris skate shoes, chances are that you’re an avid Tigers Jaw fan. The Pennsylvania band has been around since 2005 and have proclaimed themselves as “a real cool band,” which given the self confidence, is actually real cool. And more, importantly, they’ve got the track record to support their claim, as you’ll see in our ranking. Now let us be very clear, Tigers Jaw has no bad albums, which makes ranking their albums very difficult. We love them all, but we are forced by law to rank them. So here we go.

6. Belongs to the Dead (2006)

Whether it’s the 2005 version or the much better mixed 2006 version of their debut, Tigers Jaw came out of the gate swinging. The signature charmingly laid back vocal delivery of Adam McIlwee in combination with the jangly guitars and smooth bass lines make for an enjoyable listen. Unfortunately, we’re putting it in last because songs like “Okay Paddy,” “Heat,” and “The Sun” would be rerecorded on their self-titled album, and to be frank, they’re much better on that album.

Play it again: “Danielson”
Skip it: “Okay Paddy,” “Heat,” “The Sun” are all much better on S/T

5. I Won’t Care How You Remember Me (2021)

This album marks the third release since the departure of 3 original members, including lead singer Adam McIlwee. The band transitioned nicely into the new lineup on the prior two albums, with longtime members Brianna Collins and Ben Walsh picking up the slack on vocals. On this album, the lyrical content has expanded, which allows the duo to paint a brighter picture and potentially scare off any listeners who are scared of words with more than two syllables. So, it’s a win-win, really.

Play it again: “Cat’s Cradle,” “Can’t Wait Forever,” “Lemon Mouth”
Skip it: “Never Wanted To,” “Heaven Apart”

4. Two Worlds (2010)

From a quick glance at the length of the lyrics, you might be surprised to see how much Tigers Jaw actually has to say on this album. On “Two Worlds,” McIlwee sings “I want to be a loser forever, man.” Which, when sung by an actual loser (i.e. Rivers Cuomo) might sound sad and pathetic, but here it sounds badass and cool as fuck. With that, and the continuation of the band’s mall rock inspired sound, puts Two Worlds at #4.

Play it again: “Thank You Noah Lowry,” “Return”
Skip it: “I Saw the Wolf”

3. Spin (2017)

Now we know what you’re thinking. “Back in my day, pop punk and emo albums were less than 35 minutes, not any of this 42 minute bullshit.” Shut up. Back in your day, successful musicians wouldn’t have to teach art to supplement their income to afford a studio apartment. And besides, we’re not complaining about the runtime, especially considering tracks like “Escape Plan” and “Window” excel with that quintessential Tigers Jaw sound.

Play it again: “June,” “Escape Plan,” “Guardian”
Skip it: “Same Stone”

2. Charmer (2014)

Although this was the first album following the departure of former members Adam McIlwee, Dennis Mishko, and Pat Brier, it sounds like they never left. Well. That’s because they didn’t, not until “Charmer” was finished. Part swan song, part reinvention of the band, 100% pure emo bliss. Not to mention the iconic album cover, which at first glance looks like a handkerchief, but it’s actually something much cooler. An embroidered handkerchief.

Play it again: “Cool,” “Hum,” “Soft Spoken,” “Divide”
Skip it: If you really have to, “I Envy Your Apathy”

1. Tigers Jaw (2008)

This is the one with the pizza on the cover. That should honestly be enough of an explanation of why it’s at the top spot of our ranking but, we’ll explain our reasoning for anyone not convinced. McIlwee puts on a masterclass in pop punk/emo lyricism with highlights in every song. On top of that, the band really excels in tracks like “I Saw Water” and “Meals on Wheels,” especially Brianna Collins’ subtle keyboard playing. Don’t believe us? Just buy the album, buy a cheese pizza, sit back in that sofa chair and reminisce about the late aughts like the sad sack you are.

Play it again: “The Sun,” “Heat,” “I Saw Water” honestly the whole album.
Skip it: No need to skip anything, in fact, just hit replay.

Joe Biden Visited By Own Ghost

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden was reportedly startled late last night after he was unexpectedly visited by his own ghost, concerned aides confirmed.

“Listen up Jack, I’m here with a dire warning about a crisis that will lead this country to ruin if you don’t make a change fast, but uh, I can’t quite remember what that message was,” said the Ghost of Joe Biden, appearing before his own corporeal form. “Don’t worry, it’ll come to me, it’s probably something about the economy. Or maybe it was some war, are we still in that kerfuffle with the Soviet Union? Well you know what they say, if it was really that important you wouldn’t forget. Wanna go get some ghastly ice cream?”

Despite being initially scared after seeing his own spirit appear to him, President Biden and his ghost have reportedly struck up a fast friendship.

“At first I thought my own ghost showing up was gonna be bad news, but I gotta say, Ghost Joe is a great hang. We went to Dave and Buster’s, shared some loaded nachos, and we even pranked Kamala by making it look like the nuclear football briefcase was floating across the room all by itself,” said Biden, redeeming arcade tickets for a pair of Nerf guns. “He seemed really stressed about something bad that was gonna happen to the country soon, so I’m glad we could take his mind off of it. I’m sure it’ll be fine, whatever it is, I still got another couple years as President to fix it.”

White House staffer Kevin Greene is concerned about how much time the two Presidents are spending together.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad the President finally made a friend—but it’s just that we have all these judicial confirmations and bills he needs to sign before Trump takes office in January and they keep spilling root beer on the paperwork,” said Greene, picking up nerf darts strewn across the Oval Office. “Plus they keep trying to do the twin trick where they switch places for meetings he doesn’t want to go to. We almost had an international incident after Ghost Joe scared the shit out of Mohammed bin Salman.”

At press time, the Democratic National Committee was reportedly considering running Ghost Joe for President in the 2028 Election.

Calling Bullshit: This Guy Put One of Those “Bought It Before We Knew He Was Crazy” Bumper Stickers on His Cybertruck

Posted on by Dan Rice

Let’s all take a moment to play the world’s smallest violin for first-gen Tesla owners. On the one hand they were able to afford a Tesla between 2008 and 2018 so their life isn’t what you would call a struggle, but a lot of them sincerely thought they were doing a good thing. If you’re the type of asshole that can afford a luxury car you do get SOME points for buying one with a significantly reduced environmental impact, and that’s what they thought they were doing. Then, Elon Musk offset that collective eco-frendliness by launching one into space for no reason, and has gotten crazier by the day ever since.

It’s little wonder why so many Tesla owners wish to distance themselves from the Musk brand without sacrificing their beloved cars. That’s probably why anti-Musk bumper stickers have become so popular with among them. It’s a way to show the world that you had no idea what a dumpster-fire Musk was when you made your purchase so you can have your cake and eat it too. Unfortunately, we recently spotted a Tesla customer who seems to be exploiting the system.

Randall Hapkins is the 32-year -old owner of a Tesla Cybertruck featuring a bumper sticker that reads “Bought it before we knew how crazy he was.” Seriously dude? Who the fuck do you think you’re kidding?

The Cybertruck wasn’t even introduced to the world until 2019. You watched the same demo we all watched, saw Musk presenting that unyielding, PS1-graphics-come-to-life monstrosity saying “Look at how bulletproof this hunk of shit is!” and then effortlessly smashing it to hell with a baseball bat and shrugging. Are you trying to say your takeaway from that was “Wow, what a sane and cool man!”? We. Call. Bullshit.

Okay, let’s say you did. Maybe you happened to suffer a blow to the head and got dosed with salvia that day, whatever. The first Cybertrucks weren’t delivered until November of 2023 my guy. You had four years to cancel your order with a full refund on your deposit. You’re trying to tell us that in that entire time Musk didn’t do anything that raised an eyebrow for you? When he bought one of the world’s largest social media platforms to make it more anti-semite friendly you were like “That’s so sensible I might buy TWO Cybertrucks!”?

What exactly WAS the watershed moment for you? Like, were you on board all the way through him announcing his plan to illegally purchase votes for Trump, but then he jumped up and down revealing his midsection and that just broke the spell? You saw that pale, foie gras and fried songbird stuffed belly and finally realized “Woah, this guy might have a screw loose!”? Or is it just that you can only pretend you enjoy people pointing and laughing at your car everywhere you go for so long? Our money is on the latter pal.

It’s too late for you friend, no one’s welcoming you onto this bandwagon. You made your bed, now drive in it. At least until the next recall. It’s been a few months, we’re probably due for one.

Metalhead Still Riding High After Receiving $6.66 Back in Change from Gas Station 3 Days Ago

Posted on by Chris Bowen

ALLENTOWN, Pa. — Local metalhead Devon Kingsley is reportedly still feeling a slight sense of euphoria after receiving $6.66 back from a purchase he made at a gas station convenience store a few days ago, denim-clad sources report.

“This was almost as fulfilling as the time my credit score hit 666,” said Kingsley with a large wad of beef jerky in his mouth. “I walked in to get my usual ‘fountain Dew’ and a slice of breakfast pizza, and I was stoked when I noticed they brought back Strawberry Tab on draft. But that’s only the beginning, I also scored seven chipotle chicken and cheddar Tornados that were discounted for having been under the heat lamp for seven hours. All that for $3.34! And to top it off, getting the number of the beast back in change, it was as if Lucifer himself forged that $10 dollar bill. Hail Satan!”

Kingley’s partner Amanda Glasston almost immediately noticed a change in her boyfriend’s mood since that day.

“I love seeing Devon so happy. He even hung the receipt on the fridge over a photo of us,” Glasston explained. “I think the last time I’ve seen him so pumped was when he spotted a used copy of Sodom’s ‘Agent Orange’ at the record shop down the street for only $4.20. He already had a copy, but he just thinks it’s cool to spot one in the wild for the price of the ‘marijuana number.’ Metalheads really are just simple folk. Unfortunately, he’s been trying to get $6.66 change ever since. He got close once with a $6.63 change amount but, according to him, it just wasn’t the same.”

Gas station manager Ron Brudunski noted several occasions where metalheads celebrated their “evil” change amounts.

“I’m not into the whole Satan or heavy metal thing myself, but it seems like every weekend I get hordes of them coming in and buying 40s and our pre-made sandwiches,” Brudunski explained. “But I’d rather have a million metalheads give me the horns or what-not because of their change than hear one more asshole say ‘$17.76? That was a pretty good year’ or some dumbshit like that. Some people still say, ‘No price. That means it’s free, right?’ Honestly, I’ll take metalheads over lame dudes any day.”

At press time, Kingsley’s mood was further improved after he spotted a Scottish Terrier that had a striking resemblance to Lemmy.

Luigi Mangione is The Hard Times’ 2024 Punk of the Year

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

The streets of New York are a little less dangerous for C-suite healthcare executives now that Luigi Mangione is in a Pennsylvania jail. But our offices were rocked by such a late entry into our 106th annual Punk of the Year award.

We had our choice locked and loaded. It was going to be our buddy Dirty Doug, he had a hell of a year. He ate 30 cigarettes on a dare, and didn’t throw a single one up. He bit a cop who was trying to arrest him for being drunk and disorderly, and he claims he hasn’t showered since February. This man deserved the award. Then everything changed. On December 4th a masked gunman shot and killed UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson and then fled the scene on a bike. We knew at that moment we had a new contender for Punk of the Year.

It turns out that man was Luigi Mangione. You might be saying, “But he’s a rich kid from a life of privilege, he can’t be punk.” Well, tell that to every crust punk you have ever met. The biggest difference between Mangione and your average crust punk is that Mangione actually took action. He didn’t just tell his dad to fuck off and then go panhandle downtown, anyone can do that. No, our Punk of the Year did something that might actually foment change for once.

The bar for Punk of the Year has been raised to an impossible level, we only hope next year’s recipient is as deserving.