How To Get Him in the Mood By Reminding Him Saint Valentine Was Beaten with Clubs and Decapitated

Posted on by Rachel Hein

They say the key to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but what about his mind? That big, powerful mind far too busy thinking the big thoughts to care about frivolous things like Valentine’s Day or basic hygiene? It seems counterintuitive, but that same part of his brain that made him think seeing Gladiator 2 would be a great way to spend your birthday can actually be used to get him into Valentine’s Day!

Smell his roses, eat his chocolates, then spice it up by reminding him of the martyrdom and horrific death of Saint Valentine: patron saint of lovers, beekeepers/beekeepresses, epileptics, and now your heart. Just follow these 10 easy steps!

STEP 1: Slip into something lacy, gloss your lips, and light a bunch of candles. Perhaps place them in the shape of a cross, up to you.

STEP 2: Stroke his bicep and ask him how often he thinks about the Roman Empire.

STEP 3: Respond, “haha, I love that” and play with his hand in yours.

STEP 4: Ask him if he would still love you if he was on active duty serving in the Roman army.

STEP 5: When he says yes, ask him if he thinks married men make for worse soldiers during unrestricted wartime.

STEP 6: When he says “Uh, I don’t know” remind him Pagan Emperor Claudius Gothicus thought so, and when Saint Valentine defied his ban on the sacrament of marriage by secretly marrying Christian couples, he was beaten with clubs and beheaded outside the Flaminian Gate in Rome.

STEP 7: Giggle softly, toss your hair exposing your stunning collarbone, and say “Isn’t that crazy?”

STEP 8: Rest your head on his lap and gaze up at him. Ask if he would surrender to martyrdom like Saint Valentine by refusing to renounce his undying love for you and taking you as his wife, even if it meant immediate public execution of flogging followed by an axe to the base of the skull, leaving him but a bloody pulp in the town square.

STEP 9: Aggressively flutter lashes and wait for his response.

STEP 10: If he says anything other than “Of course, baby”: SCREAM, knock over the candles setting fire to his home, and storm out.

Crust Punk Plans Romantic Valentine’s Day for Partner with Trail of Loose Cigarettes Leading to Dirty Mattress

Posted on by Ben Friedman

NEW YORK — Local crustie Joel McCaffrey was seen excitedly planning a romantic Valentine’s Day evening for his partner by leaving a trail of loose cigarettes from their front door leading to their dirty floor mattress, neighbors have confirmed.

“Normally we don’t acknowledge Valentine’s Day because it’s a scam holiday perpetrated by corporations and restaurants with dress codes, but Kelly and I have been together for ten years now and I wanted to do something special. So I saved all the loose cigarettes we’ve bummed from people at shows over the last year and used them to make a path through our apartment to the mattress we took from the house we used to squat in,” said McCaffrey. “I handpicked a robust bouquet of Marlboros, Pall Malls, and American Spirits complete with lipstick stains from the ones she’s already used. I can’t wait to see her face when she walks in, provided I’m not passed out in bed when she gets back.”

McCaffrey’s girlfriend had suspected he was up to something, but was surprised nonetheless.

“Joel isn’t exactly the lovey-dovey type so I didn’t think anything of it when he wasn’t smoking any of the cigarettes he was bumming from people at the bar last week. But this is hands down the sweetest thing he’s ever done for me. He even spelled out my name in all the lighters we borrowed and never returned,” said Kelly Greene. “This is the second most romantic gesture he’s done for me with cigs since he burned my name into his ass with lit ones for our five-year anniversary. Lightly rubbing the mattress with a scented dryer sheet really got me in the mood too. How did I get so lucky?”

Relationship experts agreed that McCaffrey’s plans showed he truly knew his partner.

“The love languages aren’t black and white as people have been led to believe. Sure, acts of service and words of affirmation are nice but there are lots of happy couples out there who bond over utter degeneracy and crowd killing at shows,” said marriage counselor Wendy Nicholls. “Cigarettes strewn across the floor of a dirty apartment is no less valid than a romantic candlelight dinner. It’s all about that personal touch.”

McCaffrey later capped off the romantic evening by gifting Greene an ornate Edible Arrangement he stole from their neighbor’s doorstep right after it was delivered.

Frontman Accidentally Lets Out Best Scream of Career After Requesting Representative on Customer Service Call

Posted on by Tyler Roland

FORT WORTH, Texas — Local metal frontman Frank Fortibus inadvertently let out the best scream of his entire career during a call with customer service, deafened sources report.

“Well, they always have you talking to some machine, and that wasn’t gonna cut it,” said Fortibus, lead singer of Tungsten Hound. “And they can’t hear for shit, plus they take you through, like, 10 goddamn menus and make you press a bunch of numbers. I really had to make it known that a representative was what I was after. So I let it rip. Unfortunately, that was the best fucking scream I ever laid down. Really kicking myself for not calling in the studio. Over 500 performances with my band, and this topped them all. Next show I’ll be sure to call my credit card company to get in the right frame of mind.”

Fortibus’ bandmates were upset that the singer hadn’t put his outburst to proper use.

“We really needed this kind of vocal enthusiasm when we were at our show in Denton the other week,” guitarist Darrell Haynes complained. “Frank sounded like he had merely stubbed his toe the whole night when we really needed him to act like he’d been on hold for two hours only to be hung up on in the end. Like, he sounded fine, but that’s not going to resonate with our audiences. He’s gotta harness this negative energy and think of this moment every night from now on.”

Professional vocal coach Riley Hale believes that this experience is valuable for all performers to keep in mind.

“It’s important to envision real-life scenarios like this on stage,” Hale said. “With bass players, if they imagine they’re playing a song they wrote themselves, that leads to a much more energetic performance. Likewise with singers. It’s all about getting to that primal core of yourself. These heavier bands need to take a trip to the DMV for inspiration. Or, they can drive during rush hour to really unlock their inner aggression. Some of the most prominent lead singers of our time were made during traffic.”

At press time, Tungsten Hound were writing a new song with a sample of an automated “Your call is important to us, please hold” message before the breakdown.

How To Explain to Your Family That, Yes, Death Grips Is Appropriate for Karaoke

Posted on by Victor Gonzalez

It’s almost inevitable that at some point in life, a member of each family brings over a karaoke machine. Karaoke is meant to help us set aside our differences in politics and religion, and have everyone sing along to their favorite tunes together. From classic songs by Queen, ABBA, and Backstreet Boys, we’ve all heard these songs over and over again. You feel like there needs to be a change. And you know just the right band to do it: Death Grips.

Not everyone sees the vision. Sometimes we need a little gentle nudge, shove, or kick towards the right direction. Here at the Hard Times we compiled a list of strategies to help you convince your family to let you take over karaoke night with the poetic lyrics of MC Ride.

Emphasizing that Death Grips is really about family bonding and connecting.

The band has been through thick and thin. With constant backlash over lyrics and imagery, the band has stuck together, showing that their bond is as strong as a family bond. They’re one of the most polarizing modern bands, but they ignore the haters, showing you that you too can overcome the criticisms of your life choices by your family and squeeze your way back into their life. The band also broke up in 2014, only to get back together in 2015, meaning that it is possible to settle your differences and reunite. So maybe there’s hope that your family will stop hanging out without you again.

Highlight some iconic lyrics from the band.

You have to let your family know that the lyrics of Death Grips are really on par with the most iconic lyrics from Bruce Springsteen or The Beatles. “Responsibility’s cool, but there’s more things in life like getting your dick rode all fucking night.”, There can’t possibly be any better lyric that encapsulates the state of society today than this. This lyric is the raw truth about the joys in life.

Or how about the line “You need a lift? You can sit between the backseat of my dick”. If you sing this while making direct eye contact with your ultra-conservative sister-in-law, they’ll know you mean business. Most people never thought that combination of words could ever go together – that’s why these lyrics are better than anything your family is used to. Checkmate Bob Dylan!

Even the Beatles admitted that their lyrics were just a bunch of gibberish, stream-of-consciousness phrases put together. Like really, does anyone know what Hey Jude is even about? Tell your family to get with the times and hop on board the MC Ride train.

Show them music videos and live performances.

Sometimes hearing it isn’t enough. You have to show, not tell. And you know how much people love it when you pull out your phone saying “Watch this video,” holding them hostage for the next fifteen minutes. You can start off the same way most of us were introduced to the band, by showing them the music video for “Guillotine”. However, if you show them the video for “You might think he loves you for your money but I know what he really loves you for…” with nearly three minutes of a close up of MC Ride’s face, they’ll feel even more connected to the artists and won’t be able to turn down a song or two. Hell, throw in a few rave reviews from Anthony Fantano to show them you’re not the only one who likes this band.

Remind them how passionate the band is.

There’s no denying the electric energy from MC Ride’s performances and Zach Hill’s drumming that these guys are passionate at what they do. If you show them live clips of Zach Hill’s intense and passionate drumming skills it’ll remind them of John Bonham, which is a foolproof way of getting them on your side.
When you put on a Death Grips song, you can’t perform it as stiff as a rock. You have to match their energy. With the proper emulated passion from singing their songs for karaoke night, you’ll have your grandmother crowd-surfing in the living room in no time.

Following these guidelines could help you out the same way it helped local piano de-tuner, Dan Shepherd, rekindle his relationship with his family, who now celebrates a monthly Death Grips karaoke night every third Friday of the month.

Man’s Debilitating Social Anxiety Mistaken for Cool Indifference

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NEW BEDFORD, Mass. — Friends and family of local man Rick Winston marveled at his nonchalant attitude about attending highly anticipated social events without realizing it’s actually due to severe social anxiety, sources confirmed.

“Rick is the man. He doesn’t give a shit about anything. While everyone else is out partying, creating memories that will last a lifetime, and expanding their social circle, he just stays at home and works on jigsaw puzzles. That’s a boss move,” said Eddie Greeley, Winston’s former roommate. “He’s just such a mystery. He talks your ear off when you hang out with him alone, and the last time we hung out he made me laugh so hard I ruptured a blood vessel in my eye. But he vanishes into thin air whenever there are more than four people in a room; it’s crazy. And he legitimately doesn’t care about any of the cool new coffee shops in town, he just goes to the same Dunkin’ Donuts he’s gone to since he was 11 and orders the same exact thing every day.”

Winston admits he does not have such a positive outlook on his social life.

“It’s been this way since I was a teenager. I’ve always just felt like I was bothering people, and I find it easier just to stay home and rewatch ‘The X-Files’ for the 40th time rather than force someone to talk to me. I’ve got my tight circle of two friends, that’s all I really need,” said Winston while scouring the internet for vintage “The Simpsons” toys. “But I am really jealous of people who live their life without fear. People who can just walk into buildings and be like ‘I have an appointment’ rather than sit in their car in the parking lot for six hours trying to work up the courage to go inside.”

Sociologist Keira Guinin says many people like Winston suffer in silence while the outside world perceives them to be some sort of counter-culture badass.

“I’ve observed it more times than I can count, every friend group has at least one person who seemingly refuses to leave the house. Because this person is never around, everyone else will make up stories that are way cooler than reality,” said Guinin. “Typically the mysterious friend is not doing a solo road trip across the Southwest to work on their book of short stories. They are at home, in their sweatpants looking at cat litter reviews on Amazon to try to make their apartment a little less stinky.”

At press time, friends of Winston mistook a suicidal text he sent to an ex as a funny joke, rather than a desperate cry for help.

Citizen’s Award for Bravery Presented to Man Who Successfully Took a Shit in Crowded Venue Bathroom

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — The U.S. Department of the Interior recognized 34-year-old Rob Meszka of Louisville, Kentucky with the Citizen’s Award for Bravery after he took a dump in a crowded venue bathroom during a concert, sources report.

“That shit was the most terrifying ordeal of my life, so it feels good to be recognized for it,” Meszka said. “I went to see Goatwhore and quickly realized I shouldn’t have eaten that Wendy’s Baconator immediately before the show. The one bathroom they had was horrible, with three urinals next to one stall that had a broken lock. The entire time I was shitting, these metalheads kept coming in and remarking on the smell, and one super drunk guy even rattled the side of the stall while screaming ‘whoo, Goatwhore!’ over and over. It was such a dreadful experience where I had to overcome a lot of obstacles, but I feel like I’m better for having gone through it.”

Ceremony spectator Brendan Durant reacted to the story with a mixture of admiration and horror.

“That is the bravest man I have ever seen,” Durant mentioned as he wiped a tear from his eye. “I have found myself in a situation several times where I had to shit while in a crowded venue, but I could never bring myself to even consider it, and once I even left a no-reentry Mastodon show so I could rush home to use my own bathroom. While I certainly find Mr. Meszka to be a source of inspiration, I’m still not sure if I can follow in his footsteps. Some people are just born with the bravery required for that action, and unfortunately I don’t think I can count myself among those ranks.”

Historian Jasmine Irvine provided her expertise on Meszka’s story.

“I wrote my dissertation on citizen courage throughout American history, and there’s not a single example I can cite that tops this,” Irvine revealed. “I just completed a case study about a guy who ran into a burning apartment building to save his boyfriend’s cat, but even an action that daring and heroic pales in comparison to dropping a deuce in a filthy venue restroom while surrounded by drunk strangers. I predict that this act of valor will be spoken of by future generations for centuries to come.”

At press time, Meszka further demonstrated his fearlessness when he took a shit on the plane ride back to his home.

Relapse? I Just Saw Glenn Danzig at My Goddamn Son of a Bitch Anonymous Meeting

Posted on by Sidney Conant

Following years of penning autobiographical depictions of killing babies and stealing the toes and teeth of girls at Lovers Lane, Misfits frontman Glenn Danzig famously renounced his violent past in the chorus of the song “Where Eagles Dare,” and it changed my life. You see, it takes a lot to admit that you have a problem, and hearing Danzig’s heartfelt, public moment of self-reflection is what finally gave me the courage I needed to seek help myself, and I could not be happier.

I’ve been a proud member of my local Goddamn Son of a Bitch Anonymous fellowship for the past five years now, and if you told me that the man who helped me get to where I am today would eventually be staring me down at my own meeting, I wouldn’t have believed you. But does anyone, like, know why he’s here? Relapse? What’s this guy’s deal?

Things started off with a brief round of introductions consisting of first names and the last thing we did that made us a goddamn son of a bitch. Danzig—or “Would You Leave Me the Fuck Alone, Jesus Christ”, as he wished to be called—just sat there, stonefaced, reading a Wolverine comic, and I couldn’t help but be curious. Did he fall off the wagon by getting someone’s blood and ripping their throat? That’s happened to everyone here at GDSOBA at least once, so we get it.

Now I know how hard it is to talk about your checkered past with someone who isn’t your lawyer, so I like to bring in some snackage for all the guys. But even though I brought more than enough donuts for everyone, Danzig wouldn’t let my buddy Mark have two apple fritters so they started duking it out and the worst part is that the counselors specifically said we’re not allowed to place bets anymore. I wasn’t certain what a man with a body fueled by nearly 70 years of rage and Halloween-themed cereals could do to a guy given a court order not to go to his son’s little league games anymore, but it was enough. And I thought for sure he was going to use his twins of evil to shake him by the collarbone and snap his rib cage.

Shortly afterward, Danzig figured he could go against the judge’s wishes and leave half an hour early, but the higher-ups stopped him at the door so he naturally tried starting a riot. No one else decided to join him before he went back to his seat like nothing happened, but I know Danzig still has the persuasive skills needed to send astro zombies to rape the land and exterminate the whole human race. He didn’t do that again, did he?

When it was all over, I was still a little disappointed that he wouldn’t share with us what brought him to our doors here at the abandoned KMart that we’re allowed to use every other weekend. He seems like the kind of guy who’d get a kick out of possessing someone’s death, blood, and demise in 2025, and we would’ve absolutely bonded over it, no problem. But when he started blasting his “Danzig Sings Elvis” album on his cell phone as he left, it all started to make sense.

Seriously, could that asshole not afford a decent sound engineer? Because goddamn.

Interpol Announces Plans to Take off Sunglasses

Posted on by Peyton Cabral

NEW YORK — Perennially vogue indie group Interpol announced plans to finally remove their sunglasses after 28 years, confirmed sources who finally just got used to their slick on-stage look.

“For decades we’ve been a band with an impeccable fashion sense, so we figured it was about time to reveal our eyeballs to our fans,” said lead singer Paul Banks while putting on his “around the house” suit vest. “Besides, I haven’t been able to see a goddamn thing on stage since Obama was in office. Don’t worry, we are still going to be wearing our signature suits, so if you were wondering what we look like in t-shirts and shorts, you’re just going to have to wait until we are a little more comfortable being so vulnerable. That being said, we still plan on wearing our shades during summer when it’s sunny. However, the ties stay on at the beach regardless.”

Fans of the band couldn’t be more excited after the announcement.

“Finally, I’ll get to see if they actually have eyebrows. My friends and I have been debating that since we were kids,” said Interpol enthusiast Gina Vamillion. “Whenever I see them live, it’s like I’m watching a bunch of secret service agents play instruments. Sure, it looks cool as hell in the middle of ‘Untitled’ or ‘Obstacle 1’ but at some point I want to see some eyelashes and pupils. For all I know they haven’t had eyes this whole time. I was really starting to wonder about the facial structure of those guys, but this announcement should clear up all my questions.”

Experts weren’t too sure how this would affect the band’s image.

“Once a band nails down their iconic look, it’s very hard for them to successfully change course,” said music historian Ronnie Dengal. “KISS once famously took off their makeup and fans quickly realized they were nothing but talentless hacks. Red Hot Chili Peppers one day stopped wearing socks on their genitals and fans immediately felt slighted because it was the only thing the band had going for it. Not saying Interpol shedding their eyewear is equivalent, but history is not kind to bands that alter their fashion choices. As fans, we don’t want a diverse wardrobe. We want familiarity.”

At press time, Interpol also announced they would start wearing bifocal and progressive lenses, but not for stylistic purposes.

Photo by Raph_PH

Ailing Man Dies Despite Several “You Got This” Reddit Comments

Posted on by Tim Graham

KOKOMO, Ind. — Local man Andrew Stoltz succumbed to an illness even though he received multiple positive reassurances online, according to users of the fantasy football subreddit he frequented.

“We’re all shocked that Andrew’s gone, because he had such a positive attitude,” said Stoltz’ friend Bruce Bolinder. “His optimism was bolstered by all the nice comments he got on Reddit when he revealed he was sick. They told him, ‘You got this!’ and he took that to heart. Unfortunately, the universe or God or whatever had other plans in store for him. Sadly, it turned out those internet strangers weren’t quite right—he didn’t actually ‘have this.’ I’ve taken it upon myself to go back and reply to each of those well-wishers with the sad news.”

Stoltz’ doctor had tried to warn his patient that while receiving online niceties can be comforting, it’s no substitute for traditional medicine.

“Everyone likes to be told that everything’s going to be okay,” said Dr. Emil Dahl. “And the people posting these ultimately worthless comments get to feel like they did something good for a stranger. Ordinarily, such platitudes are innocuous, but it becomes dangerous when people like Mr. Stoltz put too much faith in the power of internet comments. He was so encouraged by his anonymous online supporters that he cavalierly decided to forego my attempts at treatment, feeling it was unnecessary. The last time he left my office, he simply said, ‘Thanks, doc, but I got this’ while giving me double-finger cannons.”

Dr. Sarah Hemphill of Johns Hopkins University recently led a study which tested the effect of comments on illnesses.

“Two experiment groups received positive or negative comments from unknown commenters,” explained Dr. Hemphill. “The group which only got positive comments fared the same or worse as the control group, showing that positive comments from strangers have little importance. Surprisingly, the group that received negative comments had a better prognosis. We attributed this to what we call the ‘Fuck You’ factor, where a person’s immune system will sometimes kick into overdrive when there is an incentive to survive long enough to seek vengeance on your tormentors.”

At press time, many users of /r/fantasyfootball responded to Bolinder’s announcement of Stoltz’ passing with a response of “sorry for your loss” which surprisingly didn’t make him feel any better about the death of his friend.

Help! I Met Rodney Mullen at the Grocery Store, and He Proceeded To Show Me Every Trick He’s Ever Invented Unprompted and He’s Still Going

Posted on by Sidney Conant

Imagine my surprise when what started off as a run-of-the-mill midnight ride to my local Food 4 Less became a demonstration in shredding following a chance encounter with freestyle skateboarding legend Rodney Mullen!

I’ve been a disciple of this man and the embarrassment of riches that is his catalog ever since I was old enough to yoink my brother’s copy of his magnum opus: Rodney Mullen vs. Daewon Song: Round 1 (sorry Round 2 fans). So when he spotted me with my board and my old World Industries hoodie in the ice cream aisle and unpromptedly began showing off every trick he’s ever invented, I thought this was the best day of my life! But is there something up with this guy? Because it’s been like three hours and he’s still going.

I mean, I don’t want to sound like I’m ungrateful or anything. Following him out to the parking lot so he could perform a dozen kickflip underflips to some has-been with almost seven uncracked teeth has been a dream come true. And man can he explain things in a way that even this loser that used to collect concussions can understand, even if it does make me feel all inadequate both physically and uh…with the word stuff… Talkily? But I’ve got things to do, and I can’t for the life of me figure out a graceful way to tell Rodney I’ve seen enough.

And don’t get me wrong—I realize how lucky I am to witness this. Rodney’s impact on the sport of street skating will forever be felt in the hearts of pros worldwide, and in the brittle, pathetic ankles of amateurs like me that just couldn’t seem to land a 50-50 sidewinder back in 2003. But come on Rod, you’ve got, what, thirty tricks to your name? Not saying those are amateur numbers by any means, but it’s 5:28 in the morning and there’s no way it should be taking this long.

Is this the same kind of OCD I had playing Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2 where every trick I attempted needed to be perfect otherwise it didn’t count and no one would love me anymore? Because I promise the stunts you’re pulling are top-of-the-line, and you can stop at literally any point and we can both go home.

I think it’s around 2:00 in the afternoon now, and this man is in his own little world with his own little tech deck toys that he pulled out a few hours ago. I have never once seen anybody make them look cool, but Rodney’s spent the last 45 minutes performing handstands on them somehow and maybe they kick a little more ass than I thought they did. Or maybe I’m just delirious at this point. Doesn’t he have a wife that’s worried about where he is? I’d ask him myself but I don’t think he’s heard my voice since the sun came up.

I bet this wouldn’t have happened if I was smart and wore my Thrasher shirt like every other poser I know.