Sapiosexual? My Partner Owns A New Yorker Tote

Posted on by Josh Baumgart

Look at me, I’ve matured. It’s not all about hair, or style, or talent, for me anymore. What really gets me hot and bothered these days is intellect. All my partner needs to do to get me in the mood is plop down her New Yorker tote on our credenza and it’s game time. She doesn’t even need to tell me about the books she just checked out of the library, the tote is enough for me.

You see, I’m something of an academic. I’m out here at this farmers market, putting heirloom tomatoes in her tote, desperately trying to conceal my erection, and people are seeing us and thinking “This a man who respects a woman’s intellect. She probably makes more than him. But not in a sad ‘he hasn’t got back on his feet and owns a gaming chair’ way.” Like a “She just makes more than him, what of it?” way. I guess I’m just a little deeper than the average guy.

I saw the signs of my atypical sexuality early on. It just didn’t feel right I clicked the “straight” category on Hinge, when I always order oat milk and I drive a Subaru. One day, I finally realized I had only been attracted to people based on their Letterboxd Top 4 and their proximity to my apartment. I knew I was different; more interesting; more mysterious. Finally, now that there’s a word for people like me, I don’t have to hide who am.

When you’re not a shallow person, like me, people notice. I’m seen as a person with an advanced sense of humor. I’m someone who understands Shouts and Murmurs, but smart enough to not actually laugh audibly at something. What I do instead is say ‘that’s funny’ out loud.

If there’s anything I love more than promotional merch, it’s promotional merch that makes people think I’m dating a doctor, or maybe a teacher, or maybe even a student. Someone who reads. Or at least, someone who aspires to read. People who know what “speculative fiction” means and don’t and steal olives from Whole Foods by putting them in their cargo shorts and praying the person at self-checkout doesn’t notice how wet their shorts are.

I’m a guy who dates someone who believes in print media. Me, a renaissance man, a bibliophile if you will, a true sapiosexual.

Punk Treats Self to Wet Food

Posted on by Tim Graham

HAMTRAMCK, Mich. — Local dumpster diver Kev Grubbs treated himself to some wet food that was beyond his typical dry diet, according to sources at Dollar General.

“I recently had a bit of a windfall while scrapping aluminum and decided to treat myself to something special,” said Grubbs as he pulled the lid off a can of chili. “I tend to get all of my food from dumpsters and it’s usually on the dry side. The bakery down the street tosses tons of bagels, but I rarely find any cream cheese so I just have to raw dog bread. I like to think of myself as a very good boy, if not the goodest of boys, so I figured I deserved some fancy wet stuff, like this one can here that contains salmon and chicken filets in gravy from some brand named Purina. Incredibly satisfying.”

Housemate Erin Stamp says the excitement among the other residents of their punk house was palpable when Grubbs brought home the canned goods.

“Kev came in the door like Santa Claus carrying a big bag of moist goods,” said Stamp while devouring some SpaghettiOs. “As soon as he punctured a can with the opener, everyone in the house came running. We all queued up in the kitchen as he passed out the food. I got a tin of sardines, which is considered a delicacy in some parts of the world—or at least in our house. Kev was kind to share but he can also be kind of a dick. He actually made one of our housemates balance a cocktail frank on his nose for thirty seconds until he said ‘okay!’ and let him eat it.”

A balanced diet including both wet and dry food can be important for overall health, according to Dr. Wendy Scofield.

“While a consistent diet is ideal, it’s not a good idea for it to be restricted to a single type of food,” said Dr. Scofield. “If a diet mostly consists solely of dry food, I recommend incorporating more saturated nourishment on occasion to add a variety of nutrients and vitamins that the dry stuff may lack. Additionally, introducing wet food can help with hydration, gut health and encourage a shiny, healthy coat. Wait, I’m talking about dogs—what are you talking about? You do know I’m a veterinarian, right?”

At press time, Grubbs’ mother texted her son, telling him to stay out of dumpsters and just come home to eat a decent meal if he’s hungry.

“One-Hit Wonder” Artist Sorry They Only Produced One Timeless Masterpiece Everyone Loves

Posted on by Matt Husser

NEW YORK — Local one-hit wonder band Owl Tempest reportedly apologized today for failing their fans after only being able to produce one timeless masterpiece everyone adores, sources confirmed.

“When we wrote our hit song ‘Free Falling on a Broken Wing,’ we were just four kids in a garage pouring our hearts into our music, and through some miracle it resonated with complete strangers so much that it became the soundtrack to countless weddings, graduations, and first kisses. But then I’m ashamed to admit that it just never occurred to us to write a second global mega-hit that still gets airplay 30 years later, so for that I’d just like to say—our bad,” said Owl Tempest vocalist Brad Penny. “If there’s a silver lining to our monumental failure as artists it’s that our song at least inspired 30 seconds of fodder for Hal Sparks to riff on during VH1’s ‘I Love the ‘90s.’”

Owl Tempest fan Clark McEnroe long resented the band’s inability to make a second worldwide chart-topping hit appear out of thin air.

“I loved ‘Broken Wing,’ but I just never understood why making a second crossover hit that appealed to several key demographics, garnered broad critical acclaim, and presented a worthwhile investment opportunity to major labels so they’d push it on radio and MTV was so hard,” said McEnroe, looking at his old Owl Tempest CD. “Probably because they wasted so much time on the other songs instead of writing another all-time great. I mean who even listens to the ninth song on an album?”

Longtime music executive Tomasz Klein shared his frustration that so many one-hit wonders failed to produce a second crowd-puller that he could bleed money from.

“How hard can it possibly be for these ‘one and done’ artists to write a second global sensation? Biz Markie was just happy to stay in the friend zone? Never occurred to Nena to write about 100 luftballons? Doris Troy couldn’t take just one more look? Even Eiffel 65’s blue alien shit out a second single that charted,” said Klein, throwing darts at a “Bittersweet Symphony” vinyl. “They could learn a thing or two from the Red Hot Chili Peppers—give California a shoutout, scat some gibberish that sounds like a slurring Australian stroke victim and voila! Top of the charts for decades.”

Seizing on the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ formula, Chumbawamba announced plans to return to the top of the charts with their new California-inspired song “Malibubthumping.”

Pair of Skinny Brothers in Matching Off Color Business Suits Tired of Being Mistaken for Synth Pop Band

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

NEW YORK — Local fashionable and slim brothers John and Bob Bedword are sick of being mistaken for a synth pop duo at a local bar, confirmed sources who could swear they were in one.

“I’ve never listened to synthesizer pop and refuse to until I stop hearing about it,” said the older Bedword brother in his thick European accent. “We run a small time tailor shop together and prefer to look professional with our variety of custom blazers. I wear my sunglasses indoors because I have a sensitivity issue. Bob doesn’t wear eyeliner, that’s just our genetics. We don’t know about Yazoo, Yello, or any other obscure ‘80s act. We were born in the ‘90s and only listen to Gin Blossoms, for fuck’s sake.”

Several patrons were disappointed after discovering the brothers weren’t who they appeared to be.

“You know how hard it is to find a good synth pop act these days? I want some live music to dance to but also make me a little depressed and horny. You know, what good music is supposed to do,” reported Susan Michaels, a customer seen wearing an Erasure button. “When they introduced themselves to me as The Bedword Brothers I was like ‘hell yeah’ but then he handed me their business card which featured an over-saturated graphic of them leaning on each other. They then said they’ll give me a discount. Very confusing. Just play some Gary Numan-type music or get the hell out of my face.”

Manager of the bar, Bruce Hefner, couldn’t believe they weren’t able to perform that night.

“Tonight’s our open mic night and was really excited for some Sparks vibes. Looks like it’s gonna be mostly acoustic this week yet again,” Hefner stated, looking longingly at the framed Yellow Magic Orchestra album on the wall. “All I’ve ever wanted was to see a nice synthy new wave band show up to one of these but I fear it’ll never happen. I told them that they are welcome to perform a different week if they’d like as well as get free drinks but one of the brothers just sighed and walked away. They should really consider updating their wardrobes to avoid confusion.”

At press time, four guys in hazmat suits arrived to address a chemical spill, but everyone was almost positive they were a DEVO cover band.

Sad! This Painfully Shy Man Would Love to Order Fajitas but Cannot Handle the Flashy Presentation

Posted on by Kyle Donley

To some, it is a delicious dish replete with grilled meats and vegetables, best enjoyed in the company of friends and family. However, to local claims adjuster Pete Keane, the pomp and circumstance implied in a fajita order is too much to bear.

“It’s way too much pressure,” Pete explained over a plate of flautas. “Like what if I make the fajita wrong? The waiter never gives any instructions. It’s normally a team of waiters who bring it out too, so now do I have to tip them on top of my main waiter? That’s a lot of hands on deck for just little old me. And why is the meat still cooking on an incredibly hot cast-iron skillet? Do I need to continue to cook it? Will it make me sick if I don’t? How will I know when it’s done? I’m not a chef, I’m just a local claims adjuster!”

Sure, these may sound like the isolated ramblings of a neurotic freak, but sadly Pete is not alone. As our society grows more insular and stupid, “Fajita Panic” has steadily been on the rise, reportedly plaguing one out of six hundred adults according to the watchdog group Scary Food Alliance.

Still, little is known about this emerging form of mental illness. What is driving the fear? Childhood trauma? Feelings of inadequacy? Claustrophobia? Logic dictates these people are mostly eating alone, probably wearing a full puffy winter coat or something, so why would it matter if their meal takes up over half the table?

While many questions remain unanswered, it is clear that Pete’s penchant for cuckolding himself through meals is not exclusive to fajitas.

“I actually had a seizure once at a Red Robin when my ex-wife told the waitstaff it was my birthday. They ambushed me, singing a weird, updated version of Happy Birthday and served me a cheeseburger with a fried egg on top. What am I supposed to do with that?! I’ve jumped out of a moving car more than once in the Benihana parking lot. Luckily there’s a Panera Bread in the same shopping center where I could order off a tablet and silently soup myself to sleep.”

If you or someone you know struggles with fajita panic, please contact your local Panera Bread and get the help you need.

Devastating: Band Still Has a Couple More Songs for You

Posted on by Frederick O'Brien

CHICAGO — Local shoegaze band The Distant Star announced that they were intending to perform a couple more songs, ruining the nights of dozens of audience members, confirmed sources who checked the time several times since.

“You’ve been such an incredible audience, thank you so much for coming,” said frontman Barry Blazer without a hint of irony. “It means the world to us you being here, to be able to look out and see so many familiar faces. Friends, family members, co-workers, people who I’d notice if they left early and would be really, really upset about it. We have a couple more songs we want to play. The first means a lot to me personally. As some of you know my cat Wiggles went to the great litter box in the sky a few months ago. For the longest time I didn’t know how to process that pain until I wrote this nine-minute magnum opus. After the song, we will also hold a live Q&A session before moving onto another track.”

Show attendee Laina Parks took the news especially hard.

“Don’t get me wrong, I mildly enjoy this band as much as the next person, but it is a weekday evening. Some of us have work in the morning,” Parks muttered while scoping out every possible exit in the venue. “I’m pretty tired after my shift at the hospital and it’s a long drive home. Hopefully it’s not those instrumental odysseys he’s been telling us about or one of those long and repetitive ones. I guess I have no choice but to stay and weather the storm. If I end up getting through this, I vow to never go to a show again.”

Music historian Cliff Baxter provided some advice for showgoers in this unfortunate position.

“There’s only so much an audience can take before their body language screams ‘that’s enough,’” Baxter said. “There’s always a hell of a rush towards the parking lot when this one’s over. However, there are a few ways one could theoretically get out of this sort of pickle. For one, someone could pull a fire alarm or, better yet, call in a bomb threat. Additionally, you could cut the power from outside the venue or even climb through the rafters ‘Die Hard’ style to unleash hazardous carbon monoxide or toxic gases to make the band end their set.”

At press time, terrifying rumors began circulating that there might be an encore as well.

Kinky Couple Makes Friends and Family Watch as They Pledge Undying Love to Each Other

Posted on by David Britton

MESA, Ariz. — Local kinky couple Charles Huffman and Mallory Moore seemingly got aroused after coercing their friends and family to watch them profess their undying love for each other, confirmed sources who brought a plus one.

“What’s the big deal?!” Moore exclaimed. “Sometimes a girl just wants to put on a ball gown and slow dance with her own father in front of a large group of people! I mean seriously, how do the rest of you get off? Sure, we did a little role-playing at the altar where we only kissed when the priest instructed us to, and it just so happens to turn me on every time someone calls me Mrs. Huffman, but that doesn’t mean I am a part of some sort of community of fetishists who forces 75% of the people she knows to travel to Hawaii for a destination wedding. To be honest, it was kind of hot though.”

Moore’s longtime friend Bailey Pope seemed more disgusted than happy for her.

“Look, I’m no prude. I’ve done a little ass-to-mouth, sure, but at least everyone wanted to be there! And I certainly never asked my parents to watch!” said Pope. “I mean, first Mallory and whats-his-face got up there, going on and on about their relationship, like any of us care, and then we had to watch them kiss without our consent. And I’m not talking about some little peck on the cheek. It was tongues and everything! I felt like some sort of cuck being forced to watch. No wonder her grandmother was crying! Perverted freaks.”

Experts noted that the kinkiest of couples prefer a big wedding.

“This kind of behavior is surprisingly common in monogamous couples,” explained social anthropologist Dr. J Patrick Connolly of Indiana University. “They become so obsessed with their own relationship that they feel everyone else needs to sacrifice an entire Saturday to watch them prance about and talk about how special they are. In many instances, they will even send out a card to let people know they will be sending out a second card later to invite them. It would be sad if it weren’t so creepy. Weddings are basically equivalent to a sketch you’d see in a porno. In fact, ‘wedding’ is the most frequently searched keyword on PornHub.”

At press time, friends and family were even more horrified after watching Huffman feed Moore cake with his hands and removing her garter belt from her thigh before flinging it toward the crowd.

Wokeness Gone Mad? I Had To Specify My Preferred Pronouns on This Sex Offender Registration Form

Posted on by Tim Sheard

I’m old enough to remember a time when freedom of speech meant something in this country. Nowadays, our culture has been completely usurped by leftist lunatics who want to cancel us for even the slightest transgression, and we have to constantly walk on eggshells for fear of jeopardizing our livelihood because we offended some fragile little petunia with blue hair and a septum ring. It seems like every aspect of our daily lives has been infected by the woke mind virus. Case in point: today I went to register as a sex offender, and the form had a space for “Preferred Pronouns.”
Unbelievable.

Woke culture has officially pervaded every walk of life, which apparently now includes the Tallahassee Police Department’s sex offender registration form. Just the thought of it makes me sick. America used to have strong, Christian values, and now you can’t even fulfill the obligations bestowed upon you by the State for having accidentally exposed yourself in the Winn-Dixie produce department without having to put up with this liberal bullshit. If the AOC-loving commies want to subject themselves to such garbage, they’re more than welcome to keep it on CNN or MSNBC where it belongs. There’s absolutely no need to force it on those of us who still have some common sense along with our extensive lists of sex-related criminal offenses.

How many genders do liberals even think there are, anyway? Last I checked, there were two; God decides it at the moment of conception, and we continue that way our whole lives (that is, if our mothers are able to evade the godless Planned Parenthood butchers long enough for us to be born.) I should write “FUCK BIDEN” in this space just to irritate these nutjobs. I bet nobody’s ever thought to do something like that. I totally would if word of my doing so wouldn’t ultimately get back to my parole officer, which definitely wouldn’t end well for me. Also, Biden isn’t in office anymore, so a move like that wouldn’t necessarily have the same clout it would’ve had a year ago.

Speaking of which, THANK GOD Trump is President again. It’s good to know us sex offenders finally have some representation up in Washington. He’s vowed to bring common sense back to the United States, which we all can agree is something that’s been sorely lacking these past four years. I wanted to drive to his rally up in Macon this past November, but my ankle bracelet would’ve alerted the authorities that I was leaving the house.

Eh, I guess I’ll just play by their ridiculous rules for now and write “he/him” in this space. No sense in causing trouble when I’ve already done enough, you get me? And anyway, I fully plan on wearing my “Unvaxxed Lives Matter” shirt while I go door-to-door notifying my neighbors of my new status tomorrow. That’ll be sure to trigger some snowflakes.

Lisa Loeb Wins Local Record Store’s “Sexiest Woman Alive” Award For 29th Year in a Row

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

LAWRENCE, Kan. — Employees of independent record store Tables Turned announced their coveted “Sexiest Woman Alive” award went to Lisa Loeb for the 29th consecutive year, excited sources confirmed.

“We asked all our employees and regular customers to give us a list of all the women that they think should be considered and when we tallied everything up it was 17 votes for Lisa, and two votes for Fiona Apple,” said Tables Turned owner Walter Pinsky. “We hope that Lisa will someday visit the store and pick up her award in person. But that’s a long shot because a few years back her lawyer sent us a letter stating we needed to stop trying to contact Lisa or they would press harassment charges. Kim Gordon won the award in 1992, she stopped by the store while on tour with Sonic Youth to pick up her trophy. She didn’t actually leave with it, she pulled a knife on me and said she will ‘Burn this hellhole to the ground’ if we ever say her name out loud again, it was amazing.”

Longtime customer Alan Lemond believes the system is rigged in favor of Loeb.

“Each year they watch the music video for ‘Stay (I Missed You)’ right before voting begins. Of course everyone is going to vote for Lisa once they see that. She’s got the voice of an angel, and glasses straight out of a ‘Farside’ comic strip that drive men wild,” said Lemond. “The fact that Kim Deal has never been in contention is criminal to me. A few years back I asked if we could listen to ‘Gigantic’ before we voted and they banned me from the store for five months. It feels like Lisa has her thumb on the scales. And don’t try to suggest going to the police, I tried that and the cops laughed me out of the precinct.”

Madison Marsh, the winner of the Miss America pageant in 2024, says she has seen multiple negative online comments from record store owners since her win.

“Winning Miss America was a dream come true, but unfortunately the internet can be an ugly place. There have been comments on Instagram and Youtube from older men in Radiohead shirts saying they wish I married Courtney Love. I’m not exactly sure who that is, or what that means, but it seems threatening,” said Marsh. “But these same guys send me DMs offering to buy my used socks for thousands of dollars. I wish there was a different internet that pretty women got to use that didn’t allow these freaks to have access to us.”

At press time, Turned Tables announced that J Mascis will receive their “Man of the Year” award for a record-setting 43rd year in a row.

Punk Finishes 5K in Circle Pit

Posted on by James Webster

OLYMPIA, Wash. — Local punk Kevin Wilder admitted he was feeling slightly fatigued after he completed a 5K race during a circle pit during a performance by local punk band Joe Cameltoe, confirmed sources who thought he made good time.

“Those 3.1 miles go real quick when you’re throwing fists in a counterclockwise motion,” said an out-of-breath Wilder. “According to my Fitbit I finished in 26 and a half minutes, which is my best time yet. However, this is nothing compared to the half marathon I accidentally ran during Riot Fest last year. In fact, I mainly go to shows for the health benefits. You can get in a really good workout just by violently swinging your arms backwards during a windmill. Plus, I never skip leg day so you’ll often see me spin-kicking in a mosh. Bonus points if I can get my foot high enough to crack someone’s jaw. Those are some serious calories burned.”

Friends of Wilder thought there were better ways to do cardio during a show.

“I actually prefer to get my exercise through stage diving. They say it’s easier on the joints and works out every muscle group in your body,” said Shelley Armstrong in her swimming trunks. “Running in a circle pit is very bad for your knees, according to one study that I read in 1975. Plus, you lose muscle mass by doing that much jogging. That’s why you would need to do double the amount of ‘picking up change’ moves if you want to maintain muscular glutes. Unfortunately, you need to limit circle pit cardio if you want to be jacked.”

Personal trainers typically recommend their clients attend shows featuring heavy bands.

“The gym can be extremely limited in what it can provide for you physically,” said fitness coach Michael Bonifer. “Sure, we have treadmills and elliptical machines, but if you really want to get your blood flowing you need to be attending shows that encourage movement and punching unsuspecting strangers in the back of the head. Hardcore and metal guys are some of the most fit people on the planet. However, they don’t look like it, but that’s mainly because of all the beer and Hot Pockets they eat. That will always offset any running you do.”

At press time, Wilder pulled a muscle during a circle pit and was forced to take three to five weeks off of running.