Kristi Noem Instructs Gun-Shy ICE Officers to Picture Protester as Cute Puppy

Posted on by Bill Conway

WASHINGTON — Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem hoped to help ICE officers become more reckless by instructing them to picture protesters, legal observers, and bystanders in general as cute puppies, sources confirmed.

“We are currently under siege, and we need to send a message. We are overwhelmed by hordes of people holding phones, yelling mean things at agents, and blowing whistles. That is a direct affront to the Constitution, and as law enforcement agent,s we have a responsibility to shoot these people in the back,” said Noem to a group of new recruits. “If any of you still have that little voice inside your head saying ‘Shooting people is bad,’ then I need you to leave the room right now. You aren’t welcome here. If you’re hesitant about pulling the trigger, I encourage you to do what I do — picture everyone as a rambunctious wire-haired terrier with round, wet eyes. It will make blowing their heads off so much easier, and they will stop comparing you to the Gestapo once they’re dead.”

Lincoln Marsh, a recent ICE recruit, says Noem’s words were inspiring.

“I never shot a gun until I signed up to be an agent. I did a few push-ups and then answered a few questions, and they handed me a face mask and a gun that day. That bald dude Stephen from the TV was there, and he told us all we had complete immunity, and to not worry about the cost of bullets,” said Marsh. “But I was still hesitant until Secretary Noem assured us that shooting people is as easy as shooting dogs. I’ve been capturing and torturing small animals since I was a kid. I used to light fires, then that got boring, so I’d start stealing pets from my neighbors. But I haven’t had the pleasure of killing a human yet. I’m really looking forward to getting out on the streets and showing people that I am God and I am here to purify the land.”

Activists across the country condemned Noem’s speech.

“Jesus fuck, this is bad. I’m buying body armor for me and everyone in my family because this might be the only way we survive this surge,” said community organizer Clara DaSilva. “We’ve been organizing and preparing for ways to fight against the government, but we thought they would at least abide by some rules. It turns out they aren’t, and they are willing to be war criminals on American soil. We are fucked.”

At press time, House Democrats fought back against Secretary Noem by putting forward legislation to make March 13th “National Hug Your Dog Day.”

Trump Orders ‘The Simpsons’ to Bring Back Apu for Deportation Storyline

Posted on by Tim Graham

BURBANK, Calif. — President Donald Trump called for “The Simpsons” character Apu to return to the long-running show, sources confirm.

“They canceled Apu because of woke,” said President Trump while doing “the weave” at a press conference regarding the Ukraine war. “Everyone loved Apu and the woke mob got rid of him just because he was voiced by a white guy. That’s racist, if you ask me. But it’s time to bring the late, great Apu back. Stephen Miller wrote a tremendous treatment for an episode where Apu returns and is immediately abducted by ICE and sent back to India. ‘The Simpsons’ was dead, but now it’s going to be the hottest show on television. The ratings will be like nobody’s ever seen before, except for maybe ‘The Apprentice.’”

“The Simpsons” writer Del Schwartz claims that Fox threatened to fire the staff and have AI write episodes if they refused to work on the story.

“We were in a real bind over this. I mean, on the one hand I hate being forced to work on a script based on a terrible, racist premise,” said Schwartz. “But on the other hand, my kid just got accepted to Stanford and I need the money. I figure I’ll take a principled stance on the next thing that comes up. Anyhow, we’ve broken the story based on Stephen Miller’s godawful outline. We had to ditch a bunch of the jokes he suggested, though. I ran some of them by my MAGA brother-in-law and even he said it was going too far.”

Fox executive Curtis Mahan says the network’s newly formed Capitulation Department advised them to comply with the order.

“We are under no legal mandate to write a story because of a president’s demand,” said Mahan. “But, as the guys in Capitulation said, we’d be inviting a whole lot of trouble if we didn’t fall in line. What’s the big deal, anyhow? Our numbers show that barely anyone has seen the show in years. Sometimes I’ll be walking down the hall and pass ‘The Simpsons’ offices and remember, ‘Oh yeah, that still exists.’ Honestly, if it were up to me the show would’ve been canceled a long time ago. I was always more of a ‘Herman’s Head’ guy.”

At press time, Trump issued more notes to the animated sitcom’s writers, suggesting their iconic yellow skin tone be changed to white.

Why Go Watch One Good Movie in a Theater When You Can Watch 1000 Mediocre Ones at Home, Take Anti-Depressants, and Breed More Workers? – Guest Post by Ted Sarandos

Posted on by Dan Rice

Greetings, average American viewer, it’s me, Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos, taking time out of my busy day to talk to you. I wanted to take a moment to address some of the concerns that have recently cropped up over my company’s pending merger with Warner Brothers, a merger that an extremely vocal minority on the internet seems to take issue with. 

The chief concern among these rabble-rousers seems to be that the merger will create a monopoly on entertainment and virtually end movie-going as we know it. They were quick to twist my words around when, in a recent interview, I casually mentioned that going to the theater really only makes sense if you live in a place like Manhattan. I assure you, this quote has been taken completely out of context. What I meant was that going to the movie theater only makes sense if you live in a place like Manhattan, and that’s FINE! You don’t need the dumb old movie theater and all the dumb old cherished memories you have of going to it! Not when you have Stranger Things and thousands of television shows even worse than Stranger Things just a few clicks away! And hey, when you get tired of ignoring those on your phone, why not mate with the person next to you and produce some future labor? 

Look, theaters suck. I know it, you don’t get a say in the matter, we all know it! If you don’t live in Manhattan, which you will never be able to afford to do in your wildest dreams, chances are your “local” cinema is roughly 1000 miles from your couch. Even if you’re willing to make the trek, you have to wear clothes, they don’t let you vape or use your phone, they don’t even let you have meaningless sex with your Feeld date! How are you supposed to create an unwanted pregnancy, trapping you into a lifetime of joyless labor when you’re stuck at the dumb old movie theater?! Not to mention you have to pay through the nose for snacks because whoopsadaisy, you left your fridge at home! Who needs all that hassle when you can just ignore joylessly produced, cheaply oversaturated, mediocre films like Bright, Coin Heist, and Christmas Inheritance right from your living room?! 

Okay, here’s a prime example — Adam Sandler movies. It used to be the case that they were good, but there weren’t very many of them, you had to go all the way to the damned movie theater just to watch one (booo! hiss!), and they would get released years apart! But now, thanks to his deal with Netflix, he’s churning them out faster than you can say ‘diminishing returns.’ Are they as good as they used to be? Who cares, you are getting sleepy! Sleepy. Sleeeeeepyyyy. 

I resent the implication that I am single-handedly responsible for the “dumbing down” of entertainment and the cheapening of culture as a whole. Does all of our content have the same, cheap, digitally darkened sheen to it? Yes. Do we force creators to have characters repeat the plot several times so people on their phones can follow along? Yes. Does our policy of never sharing analytics with anyone destroy the leveraging power of artists and silence the voice of auteurs? Absolutely, but do I give a shit about any of that? 

The fact of the matter is, here at Netflix, we are committed to generating content that hooks you in, meanders for a while, and gently lulls you into the sort of boredom that causes you to make the biggest mistake of your life with someone you barely know. The Water Wars are right around the corner, people, so quit your highfalutin notions of going to the movie theater and Netflix & Chill us up some soldiers! 

If you have a problem with any of this, I urge you, talk to your doctor about Wellbutrin. In closing, here’s “Running Up That Hill (A Deal With God)” by Kate Bush.

The Next Clark Kent/Superman? We’ve Never Seen Ice and the Proud Boys at the Same Place at the Same Time

Posted on by Samuel Abraham

Look, I’m no detective. I lack the intelligence, training, qualifications, and decency to perform such a job — much like an ICE agent — I’m just saying that the Proud Boys seem to have all but disappeared since January of 2025 while ICE recruitment has exploded. And I’m no big comic book aficionado, either. I lack the patience, understanding of themes, and appreciation of art — just like an ICE agent. However, unlike an ICE agent, I do have the ability to recognize a pattern from history when I see one, and this whole thing smacks of the same tropes of a Clark Kent/Superman archetype. 

As we know, Clark Kent wore a pair of glasses and a business suit to hide his true identity, and it seems like the Proud Boys took inspiration from DC’s lazy disguise by slapping on a differently hued gaiter and some extra gear from a discount military surplus store that looks exactly like something they saw in a Call of Duty game. 

I seem to remember the Proud Boys staging protests more or less constantly throughout the last eight years. What happened? Even though I would piss on them if they were on fire (notice I said would– I absolutely would piss on them if they were on fire because it’s not like my stream of urine is going to put out the blaze, and now they’re burning to death and covered in my piss) I still believe they have the right to express their dogshit, bootlicking opinions. But then Trump got inaugurated, and then Elon Musk, the only immigrant that is actively destroying this country, did a Nazi salute, and then blammo! It’s as if Metropolis were under attack, and the Proud Boys all of a sudden had to go make a call in a phone booth.

But instead of Superman’s need to protect all people from danger, guided by a moral code rooted in goodness and helping humanity, a similar intrinsic pull occurred within the Proud Boys. That, of course, is finally getting the green light to terrorize and murder people they don’t like in exchange for money. Now there are ICE agents everywhere inexplicably.

Gosh, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say that they were actually the same people.

Guy Whose Political Knowledge Is Exclusively From System of a Down Lyrics Better Informed Than 99% of People He Interacts With

Posted on by Steve Packosky

TOPEKA, Kan. — Nu-metalhead Roger Antesburger found that his lifelong System of a Down fandom left him better informed than the vast majority of people he interacted with on a daily basis, sources report.

“Yeah, I really didn’t think of myself as an educated person,” Antesburger admitted. “But you wouldn’t think that after seeing me destroy my conservative friends in arguments. Just the other day I got into a debate with someone about America’s prison industrial complex. I told him that all research and successful drug policy shows that treatment should be increased and law enforcement decreased while abolishing mandatory minimum sentences, which is a direct quote from ‘Prison Song.’ I don’t even know if it’s true, but it shut him up. I don’t think I’ve ever voluntarily read a book in my life, but I feel smarter than almost everyone else around me all the time.”

Antesburger’s friend Wes Burke was taken aback by his knowledge.

“I don’t know where Roger learns this stuff, but he repeatedly shuts me down when we’re arguing,” Burke lamented. “He and I got into it a couple weeks ago about the supposed evils of capitalism. I personally don’t think it’s that bad, but he told me that 4,000 children die every hour from starvation while America, the richest nation in the world, spends billions of dollars building bombs every year. I don’t know where he got that information, and I didn’t have any rebuttal against it. Man, I need to get to the library and start reading as many books as possible so I can get as smart as Roger.”

System of a Down vocalist Serj Tankian was pleased by the news.

“I mean, it would definitely be better if our fans didn’t rely on us to educate them, but I’m glad it’s working,” Tankian said. “America wasn’t necessarily the most informed country on the planet when we started, and it’s gotten profoundly worse over the past few decades. If it’s up to us to make sure every nu-metal fan is as socially and politically aware as they can be to win arguments against conservatives that they know, so be it. Now I feel obligated to write an entire concept album about the Trump administration to get the word out on how corrupt it is.”

At press time, Antesburger decided to expand his knowledge by listening to Rage Against the Machine.

Greg Bovino Considering Freelance Fascism

Posted on by Garry Kerls

WASHINGTON – After being relieved of his authoritarian duties in Minneapolis, former Border Patrol commander Greg Bovino has been considering a potential shift to freelance fascism, sources close to the situation report. 

“Being a pawn for a fascist regime is all I know,” lamented Bovino to reporters early this morning, wearing his urban camouflage fatigues. “I don’t think I could hold another job because of all the blood, sweat, and tears I gave to the immigration customs enforcement, I still love what this administration is doing, and even If they no longer need my services here, I will still be on call willing to inject authoritative chaos into peaceful gatherings in the liberal cities all across this country. Look out, gig economy, here comes Führer Bovino!”

For the past seven months, Bovino has been the poster child for tyranny in the streets of Democrat governed cities. Now demoted, it will be difficult to find full-time employment that allows him to command an army of goons to murder innocent Americans in the street. 

“The job market’s tough right now, but I’ve got a pretty kick-ass resume. Seems a guy like me will always be needed in an administration like this,” said Bovino to TMZ during his layover at Chicago O’Hare. “If you hear of anywhere that’s hiring, let them know that I’m a strong communicator, great with kids, and definitely 5 ‘6.” 

Protestors briefly celebrated a rare win for their side as Bovino vacated the city, but that only lasted until his replacement was announced. 

“Human ogre Tom Homan is replacing the leprechaun, not really sure how much better that is, but it’s something!” said Minneapolis native Kate Gerber. “Nothing’s truly a win until people stop getting disappeared off the street, and I can go back to not freezing my ass off every weekend protesting this bullshit.”

At press time, Bovino has changed his LinkedIn profile picture to relay he is #OpenForWork and launched a Substack chronicling his “adventures” across the country. 

Trump Demands Naboo Globe of Peace From Boss Nass

Posted on by Sean Fallon

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump demanded that the Naboo Globe of Peace be taken away from Gungan leader Boss Nass and given to him, confirmed sources.  

“I deserve it,” said Trump during the three hours a day he is awake and not hooked up to an IV pumping him full of an orphan child’s blood. “No other leader has done more for peace than me. I ended the Clone Wars, the Mandalorian-Jedi wars, the intergalactic civil war, the second intergalactic civil war, the Drengir Crisis, and the star wars. I even ended the Dominion Wars and freed Arakkis. Crooked Boss Nass doesn’t deserve the award, and I would hate to have to invade Naboo and take it.”

Former galactic senator Jar Jar Binks weighed into the debate while falling over a table and getting his tongue stuck in a caff machine.

“Meesa outraged,” said Jar Jar, a pariah in Coruscant after giving former Emperor Palpatine emergency powers and also accidentally attending the January 6 riot. “Boss Nass deserves da globe of peace per unitin’ Naboo unda Gungans. Donald Drumpf should besa focusin’ mure onda Epstein Files dan onda awards hesa doesn’t get. Hesa needs ta shut hisen orange talkity-trap un get deaded alritty.”

Kristi Noem believes that without the Globe of Peace from Boss Nass, she can’t guarantee ICE won’t come knocking on doors in the Gungan city of Otoh Gunga

“It doesn’t matter if they’re underwater,” said Noem, wearing a cowboy hat so big it blocks out the sun. “We have an operating budget of seventy gazillion dollars and the best operatives that were able to complete a very simple training process and a non-existent vetting process. I don’t care if Gungans are friends with Jedi or Queen Sosha Soruna of Naboo. Homeland Security’s space program is up and running, and we will deploy ICE agents in AT-ATs and unmarked vans unless Donald Trump is given the Globe of Peace in a fancy parade.” 

Amidst the debate, there are reports of a ragtag group of smugglers, thieves, antiquities dealers, and senators building a well-written and award-snubbed rebellion against this action.

Sex Ruined by Lackluster Spank From Man Who’s Just Not a Spanker 

Posted on by Rachel Hein

SEATTLE — Local woman Bess Corcoran’s recent sexual encounter with her new romantic partner was deemed lackluster after she asked him to spank her, only to receive what she later described as “a tap one would use to burp a baby they don’t know that well,” confirmed sources.

“I thought, let’s have some fun,” Corcoran said, recalling the moment she decided to take things up a notch. “He seemed into it—until he actually did it. It was so soft. Limp. Tentative. Like his own hand was unsure of itself. I tried to pretend it never happened, but he looked so disappointed in himself and just stared at his hand like it had betrayed him. He’s a nice guy. And I love that. But I need him to not be so nice in bed. In fact, I need him to hate me a little. So we’re working on his mild disdain for me.”

Andy Fischer admitted he was wholly unprepared for the request which sent him into an existential crisis of sorts. 

“She said, ‘Spank me,’ and I genuinely couldn’t hear her at first so I said, ‘What?’” Fischer explained. “Then she said it again, slower, and I panicked. I wanted to be that guy, I did. The guy who just throws the car in reverse without checking all the mirrors. The guy who orders a whiskey neat and doesn’t blink when it burns. The guy who bites electrical tape instead of using scissors. The guy who smacks his girlfriend’s ass in a single motion that’s firm, decisive, unapologetic. But I’m just not that guy.”

Experts like Dr. Melissa Tran, a certified intimacy coach, say this kind of sexual mismatch is not uncommon. 

“Some people simply don’t have the wrist dexterity or emotional detachment required for impact play,” said Dr. Tran. “If your partner’s idea of ‘rough’ is switching to a firmer pillow, you may need to recalibrate expectations, or consider a separate spanking contractor. I find many couples benefit from a third party spanker that can come in and really get the job done, while the non-spanker can hold onto their identity as ‘someone who would never risk hurting a woman with a spank’ and watch as their partner is delighted by the mystique of the independent contractor.” 

At press time, Fischer remained determined to become “that guy,” though Corcoran had already begun scouting local men whose spanks come with zero remorse.

We Sat Down With French Stewart To Talk About the D.C. Hardcore Scene Because There Was a Mixup With Our Calendar

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Goddamnit. Our newest employee, Jake, completely assured us that he could manage our calendar without any slipups, and our stupid asses believed him. We should have known not to trust him after we saw him doing whippets in the parking lot before his shift started, but he successfully got his computer booted up, so we thought he had everything in order. 

Imagine our surprise when we arrived at our interview with questions for H.R., only to run into “Third Rock From the Sun” actor French Stewart. Below is the transcript from our interview, if you can even call it that:

The Hard Times: Hey, uh…great to see you!

French Stewart: Likewise!

HT: Um, what have you been up to lately?

FS: Well, I recently starred in the movie “Killing Mary Sue”, and I’m just taking a little break before starring in my next role, which I can’t announce yet.

HT: Oh, you’re acting now?

FS: …yes. 

HT: So are you taking time off from singing to do this?

FS: Excuse me?

HT: OK, you’re not the lead singer of Bad Brains, are you?

FS: No, of course not.

HT: Fuck! Goddamnit, Jake. Alright, well, do you have any thoughts on the D.C. hardcore scene of the early eighties?

FS: Sorry, I have absolutely no clue what that is. 

HT: Hmm, well, you do look vaguely familiar. What might we have seen you in?

FS: Well, most people recognize me from “Third Rock From the Sun”.

HT: Yeah, that’s it. Shit. We never watched that though. Maybe the last few minutes of an episode here or there while waiting for a “Simpsons” rerun. Well, it was nice talking to you, man!

FS: Likewise. I really hope you guys get your shit together so you don’t waste anybody else’s time.

There you have it. Please direct any ire you have at Jake, because unfortunately, he’s still employed at The Hard Times, seeing as how we can’t fire him because he’s the only person here who has a car. Stay tuned for our upcoming interview with, according to Jake, Henry Rollins, although we suppose it could be fucking anybody. We really have no choice but to prepare our questions and hope for the best at this point.

Bryan Adams Re-Records “Summer of ‘69” As “Summer of ‘67” to Connect With the Youth

Posted on by Tyler Roland

ONTARIO, Canada — Canadian rock musician Bryan Adams re-recorded his hit song “Summer of ‘69” as “Summer of ‘67” in an attempt to reach younger audiences, cringing sources confirmed.

“I updated the lyrics entirely. For instance, it starts out: ‘I got my first Reels, sick meme/Yeah, that sigma rizz grindset/Hit the griddy with Kai Cenat/Was the summer of six-seven,’” said Adams, noting that he watched a lot of “Skibidi Toilet” for inspiration. “I had it made for years with ‘Summer.’ 69 was a multigenerational funny number, with a dirty double meaning. Just between you and me, I didn’t write about the summer of 1969. But, the other day, I heard that people have moved on. There’s this new number on the scene. 67, six-seven, or something. The kids don’t care about 69 anymore. Seems like ol’ Bryan had to get with the times. I headed to the studio with some new lyrics I commissioned from my daughter’s boyfriend’s younger brother. The song’s gonna go platinum again, I just know it.”

Adams’ nephew, 16-year-old Callum Stevenson, can’t believe his uncle stooped so low to find new fans.

“I never thought Uncle Bryan would reach ‘unc’ status, but, ugh,” Stevenson sighed. “He sent a voice memo when me and some guys from school were out hooping. He was all ‘Hey man, check these dope new lyrics!’ and started singing. I mean, shit, does he really think making the chorus about Mr. Beast and Fortnite, like, improve the song? I don’t know how the fuck he knows who Kai Cenat is, but bruh, you write music for, like, Viagra commercials. That’s your audience. No one wants to hear this. Not kids. Not 67-year-olds. No one. He just killed the fucking meme.” 

Adams’ manager, Jordan Constance, thinks the career of his boss will get some much-needed life from the re-write.

“We’re already blowing up on TikTok with ‘Summer of ‘67.’ Over 500 likes!” Constance enthused. “Yeah, we’ve been getting a few comments that seem negative—things like ‘holy chopped,’ that loudly crying face emoji, and some not so veiled racist remarks—but we all know that more people talking is never a bad thing. And now we sit back and wait for middle school kids to start buying up Bryan Adams cassettes again.” 

At press time, Adams’ management told him to re-record the song again, this time as “Summer of ‘88” and with lyrics pandering to the MAGA crowd.