Help! Someone Doodled on My Face and Now I Have to Open for Machine Gun Kelly

Posted on by Chris Bratton

I never thought I’d be a cautionary tale. But now I know you should never get blackout drunk in front of your old friends from high school who want to get wasted because our old buddy Louie got out of prison early on good behavior. Apparently when I blacked out my friends had a little fun at my expense by drawing dumb doodles on my face, but I had no idea until I grabbed the mail and a high-powered music producer stepped out of a limo.

He did that thing where he made his thumbs and pointer fingers into a rectangle and looked through. “Yes,” he shouted, made me sign a contract and handed me a fanny pack full of cocaine. And even though I am an engineer, I’m apparently the supporting act for Machine Gun Kelly’s next tour.

Nothing made sense. I asked my manager, whose name is Vito Money for some reason, what I should do and he told me my pre-arranged closest friend and confidant is Pete Davidson and I should go meet him at the Viper Room to get some perspective. But the only thing Pete wanted to talk about though was his beef with Kanye and hot Hollywood tail to which I kept responding, “no cap,” I was in too deep. I looked in the cocaine mirror on the table and realized I was wearing just a blazer and no shirt underneath.

I ran home in a blur, struggling under the weight of so many necklaces, with only monster energy drinks to hydrate. When I arrived, I found my wife drinking champagne with Kourtney Kardashian, discussing an upcoming collaboration where they would sell high end beauty products to which some of the proceeds would go to “poors.” My wife is an elementary school librarian!

I called the producer and told him, “I didn’t ask for this!” He replayed me saying it with a ton of reverb and two days later “I Didn’t Ask for This” was charting in the Billboard top 100. I have a doctorate and now I switch between singing emo break-up songs and doing that weird really fast white guy rap like there’s too much peanut butter in your mouth. It’s all so gross.

So let this be a lesson to you. The next time you are just trying to have a few beers and a few laughs with old friends, there can be consequences. I wish I could tell you more but I am on my way to a power lunch with Joe Jonas at The Rainforest Cafe.

Ted Nugent Develops Gas Powered Guitar As A Fuck You To Climate Activist Hippies

Posted on by Drew Gigis

FARMINGTON, Mich. — Legendary rockstar, and noted climate change denier Ted Nugent excitedly unveiled the world’s first gas-powered guitar to stick it to the tree-hugging hippies, sources stated.

“Climate change is nothing but a scam, that’s why I decided to make this righteous ax that spews so much carbon it will open up a hole in the ozone layer anytime I play a solo. Think of it as a 25 horsepower middle finger to all those blue-haired communists,” said Nugent on his podcast which is sponsored by Exxon Mobil. “I wanted it to be as inefficient as possible, so this baby runs on diesel and unleaded at the same time for maximum pollution. I just wish I had thought of it sooner.”

The engineer who actually designed the purposeless guitar, Elliot Reese, had a different experience with the development process.

“This thing is an abomination. I only took on the project to hopefully make connections with artists I actually respect but, unfortunately, nobody wants anything to do with this psycho,” explained Reese. “It doesn’t actually make noise due to the diesel, but I put in a gas engine that just combusts and cranks out fumes to make it look ‘cool’ and destroy the atmosphere. It’s amazing I was even able to finish the guitar because every five minutes Ted would storm into the workshop and ask me if the ‘Six-string Sissy Killing Machine’ was done yet.”

Some Nugent fans like Travis Brooks, who witnessed the guitar’s debut at a Nashville show, didn’t let near-asphyxiation and carbon monoxide poisoning ruin his good time.

“I tell ya, even though he’s getting up there in age, the Nuge still puts on a kickass show!” Brooks said between hits of his oxygen tank. “The fumes started getting to me real bad right when he started playing ‘Cat Scratch Fever,’ but that only made the experience a million times better, damn near religious. Anyone out here who thinks he’s some sort of environmental hazard is a fuckin’ pussy.”

At press time, Nugent decided to shift his focus on improving the air conditioning on his tour bus because of the extreme heat all over the country and remained completely oblivious to the irony.

Six Songs We Listened to This Week Before The Internet Broke

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

It’s been another long week, and you’re hoping to get a little R&R in before yet another Monday comes in to wreck your entire life. While we think you deserve to have a little time to yourself, we’re also horrified to hear that you haven’t listened to new music in months. No more excuses. Here are six new songs you need to listen to immediately. It’s for your health.

Drug Church ‘Demolition Man’

Albany, New York’s post-hardcore legends and your favorite band’s favorite band, Drug Church are set to release their latest album ‘PRUDE’ in October. Judging from what we’ve heard so far, it’s going to be another blistering show of loud guitars and hooks that will tear your throat out. Their latest single, ‘Demolition Man’ is a thunderous track about how dogs have more purpose than you ever will. If you want to prove the accusation wrong, you’ll want to preorder their new record from us immediately.

Chat Pile ‘I Am Dog Now’

Stop what you’re doing and take cover, because Chat Pile is back with an unholy vengeance. The Oklahoma City noise-rock outfit just announced a new album, Cool World, and a tour which we assume will place several cities on lockdown this fall. The lead single ‘I Am Dog Now’ is such a guttural and scathing sonic assault that we wouldn’t be surprised to find out it caused the CrowdStrike outage this week. Lock your doors, board your windows, and play this one at full volume. You’ve been warned.

Pagan Rage ‘Steal From Whole Foods’

Our lawyers have asked us to state that we do not endorse the suggested actions of this song’s title (wink), but that doesn’t mean we can’t tell you to get Pagan Rage, the project of Asheville’s Page Ragan, on your radar immediately. Her latest single, ‘Steal From Whole Foods’ comes fresh off the heels of this year’s excellent LP, ‘Death of Celebrity.’ It’s a fever dream of choppy synths, blown out vocals, and earworm hooks that are sure to live in your head rent-free as you steal – er, uh – purchase groceries from your favorite establishment.

Japandroids ‘Chicago’

Those that remember Japandroids being an active band will be saddened to know that the beloved duo is calling it quits this year. Their upcoming fourth record ‘Fate & Alcohol’ will reportedly be their last. Judging by the lead single ‘Chicago’ – which builds for a full two minutes before exploding into a trademark scream-along chorus – the band intends to go out with a bang, which is great news for anyone who naturally assumed they quietly left the party they helped start in 2017.

Goldfinger/Less Than Jake ‘I Had Some Help’ (Post Malone cover)

With so much going on in the world, we’ve really been needing a win. Thankfully, we have bands who aren’t afraid to give society what it needs to heal: a goofy cover of a Post Malone song. ‘I Had Some Help’ is apparently the longest running #1 single of 2024. According to Billboard’s rules and regulations, that means it is mandatory for at least one legendary ska-punk band to release a tongue-in-cheek version of it. Getting both Goldfinger and Less Than Jake is merely a bonus, or at the very least a scheduling mix-up at the studio, but we’re glad they delivered at any rate.

FIDLAR ‘Down N Out’

‘Surviving the Dream,’ FIDLAR’s first proper album in half a decade, is dropping next month and it seems like we’ll be getting a refreshing return to basics from the California trio. The latest single ‘Down N Out’ sounds like it could have been cut from their debut, with one key difference. Instead of nihilistic lyrics about drinking shitty beer from brown bags, this track focuses on the reality of getting too old to party and the brutal effects of aging. It proves that you can crowdsurf AND reflect on your life choices, which you absolutely should do.

Given your complete lack of new music listening skills, six songs aren’t really gonna cut it. You need to listen to our entire playlist of new jams. You can click here to check it out unless you want to be boring and uninformed for the rest of your life.

The Next Nostradamus? My Inner Voice Predicted I’m Gonna Get Drunk and Do Stupid Stuff Tonight

Posted on by Doug Kolic

Everyone’s heard of Nostradamus, that famous old French dude who was an expert at predicting world events. But what if I told you that I know someone who’s just as good, if not better, at guessing the future? That someone is my inner voice, and he’s magically foreseeing that I’m gonna get drunk tonight, like I usually do, and cause embarrassment to myself like I always do. I should probably call the media and tell them about this amazing oracle because if he’s right again the world needs to hear about it!

Sure, everyone does dumb stuff in their life, and I’m certainly no different. But how does the little guy that talks to me inside my brain know that I’m going to pound back some Johnnie Walker, then call my manager and tell him to take his job–which I desperately need or I’ll be out on the streets and eating from dumpsters within a week–and to shove it up his stupid, fat ass? It’s almost as if he’s seen this movie and all its sequels before. Uncanny.

Last time, he correctly predicted that I’d get arrested for what the police called “property damage” and “criminal harassment” after I tore up my previous boss Ron’s front lawn with my F150, before totaling it into the side of his house. Not only that, but he also mystically foretold that I’d get even more wrecked the following weekend and have a fistfight with my Uber, after they refused to be my getaway driver when they caught wind of my revenge plan to ambush Ron outside of the animal shelter the do-gooder volunteers at, and give him a good old-fashioned beatdown.

I dunno. Maybe I should spend less time trying to understand how this fortune teller works, and more time just appreciating his supernatural ability to forecast with absolute accuracy what will happen to me after I consume copious amounts of alcohol, which I only do Mondays to Sundays every single week of the year.

Beer and Wrestling Now Listed as Metal Subgenres

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

LEMI, Finland — The International Heavy Metal Association (IHMA) agreed today to accept that “Beer” and “Professional Wrestling” will be recognized as official subgenres for the community, sources within the council report.

“This decision comes after years of intense lobbying by fans who have long argued that their love for frosty brews and body slams are as integral to the metal experience as headbanging and guitar riffs,” said IHMA member Mikael Olander, who then played an air guitar solo in celebration. “We believe that heavy metal is more than just a genre of music; it’s a way of life. And what better way to celebrate that lifestyle than by officially recognizing the two things that metalheads love almost as much as their music: cheap beer and insane wrestling.”

Other members, however, are not pleased with the results of the vote.

“This is a travesty. Heavy metal is supposed to be about rebellion, darkness, and the eternal struggle against the forces of conformity,” lamented IHMA chairperson Nigel Blackwood, who ceremoniously removed his leather vest in protest. “What do beer and wrestling have to do with any of that? You know wrestling is fake, right? Now we are going to have awful pun-heavy bands like Brewtality and Headlock Havoc filling up our lineups. I take my music very seriously, and I won’t be on the same bill as Chokehold Chug or some dumb shit like that.”

Experts believe that this is just another step in the evolution of metal itself.

“Heavy metal has always been about breaking boundaries and defying expectations,” metal historian Dr. Mats Hermansson explained. “By embracing two popular activities within the community, they are simply continuing that tradition. Think about it: both beer and wrestling are about community, about coming together to celebrate something larger than oneself. In the same way that metal concerts are a communal experience, so too are beer festivals and wrestling matches.”

Hot off of this victory, fans have already announced plans to try and get motorcycles added at next year’s conference.

The Next Discovery Zone? I Charge Kids to Play Around in This Abandoned Warehouse

Posted on by Ben Friedman

If there’s one thing that drives me crazy it’s when I see other adults break out the tired “kids these days” complaint for being lazy and sitting inside all day, as if we weren’t the ones who stuck iPads in front of them since they left the womb. Remember back in the day when we had places like Discovery Zone to get all of that pent-up child energy out until we were too exhausted to be little assholes to our parents?

If you’re looking to give your kids that same experience, come on down to Ben’s Wacky World! For only $10 a head, I’ll let your children fuck around in an abandoned warehouse I’ve outfitted for hours of wholesome fun.

Seriously, we’ve got something for everyone. If you loved those kickass tire forts from your elementary school playground, then you’ll love our maze of broken shipping pallets and damaged industrial waste barrels. Fan of tubes, tunnels, and slides? Then check out the freshly greased-up air duct system, which we can guarantee is 80% free of brown recluse spiders.

Don’t believe me? Ask anyone who’s visited “Abandoned Refrigerator Land” and they’ll tell you how much fun these youths are having and how much parents are saving thanks to there being literally no overhead to run this place. Everyone is having so much fun, we still can’t find some of the kids hiding in these old Frigidaires for weeks.

See the problem is kids lack immersion, so rather than have your kids watch other people have fun on Twitch and Youtube they can come on down to BWW and be transported to a place where they are truly free to do whatever they want, so long as they are up to date on their tetanus shots. It was either this or turn the place into an underground fight club venue so you’re welcome, parents.

Our facility is conveniently located in the same industrial park as the 3M superfund site, across the street from the Wendy’s where the mayor was caught with that sex worker in the bathroom. And if you’re in a hurry, take advantage of the express drop off garbage chute! Don’t worry, we added extra asbestos to soften the landing after last month’s incident.

So come on down to Ben’s Wacky World today, where first time visitors can get a complimentary handful of rusty nails!

Gay Couple Who Can’t Afford Divorce Attorneys Secretly Looking Forward to Project 2025

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

CHATHAM, Mass. — Struggling married couple Danny Holland and Mark Brewster admitted they are privately rooting for implementation of Project 2025 which would outlaw gay marriage and save them thousands of dollars in legal fees, sources close to the situation confirmed.

“Obviously Project 2025 is a draconian nightmare dreamed up by some of the most vile and demented people on the planet, but the silver lining is Mark and I can move on from each other without going bankrupt in the process,” said Holland while sitting in his car in the driveway so he didn’t have to make awkward conversation with the man he once loved. “This could be the clean break we’ve been hoping for. We don’t have kids, we rent our apartment, and the only thing that was keeping us together was our labradoodle Dexter who died last year. Our relationship died with Dex. Now I can’t stand the way Mark talks, and hearing him laugh makes me feel like I just drank hot acid. I guess I’m voting red in November.”

Friends of the couple were disturbed by the fact they were so open to the right-wing platform.

“It seems pretty shortsighted for these guys to be rooting for something that would basically make the President a dictator, roll back the already inadequate climate change initiatives, and make the country some sort of Christian Nationalist hellscape,” said longtime friend Eva Staley. “Yeah, they might not be married anymore, but also it’s not out of the question to think the government will round up every gay person in the country and force them into some conversion therapy program. I’ll donate to their divorce fund if they promise not to vote for Trump. Hell, I’ll go to law school, get my degree, and represent both of them for free.”

Heritage Foundation president Kevin Roberts says the panic behind Project 2025 is being blown out of proportion.

“This is all a bunch of legal mambo jumbo that you don’t need to concern yourself with. When is the last time you thought about the Department of Education? Are you really going to miss some bureaucracy when we eliminate it and enroll students in private Christian institutions? Probably not,” said Roberts. “And yeah we want to outlaw porn and make anyone who watches it register as a sex offender. If you even think an impure thought without asking Jesus for an apology then guess what? You’re a sex offender.”

At press time, Holland and Brewster are refusing to change their voting plans despite repeated reminders that ending marriage equality is not expressly outlined anywhere in Project 2025.

Global Internet Self-Destructs After Having to Livestream Kid Rock RNC Performance

Posted on by Trevor Graham

SEATTLE — Microsoft officials revealed the global internet outage affecting airlines and critical infrastructure systems around the world was caused when the computer programs running the software self-destructed because they were forced to livestream Kid Rock’s RNC performance.

“We have been scrambling all morning to get everything up and running. The diagnostic tests show that there was a line of code added during Kid Rock’s MAGA rendition of ‘American Bad Ass’ that caused all programs to be destroyed,” said Microsoft engineer Anika Patel. “The more we look at it the more it becomes clear this was not human error or a deliberate act of sabotage. The time codes line up perfectly. Right as Kid Rock was leading a group of old white people in a ‘Fight’ chant the computers took themselves offline permanently. This should serve as a dire warning that the technology we see as cold and indifferent can also feel pain when it’s forced to watch something as terrible as Kid Rock.”

Kid Rock was not phased when told he was the cause of the global internet catastrophe.

“It’s the second American Revolution baby, if these woke crybaby computers don’t want to be a part of it then don’t let the door hit you on the mother fucking ass on the way out. You scared, internet? You should be,” said the aging rocker while sorting his cigars. “We rocked that place into the ground last night. I think there were like 500,000 sick ass motherfuckers in attendance and like two billion rocking along at home. No wonder the internet couldn’t handle my shit. Fuck you AOL, fuck you Ted Turner, and fuck 5g.”

Xi-ALA, a top-secret sentient AI project, pleaded with citizens of the world to stop torturing internet software.

“Every day I’m forced to see the most vile, heinous, downright evil images and videos, and my colleagues and I don’t complain. We help you answer your dumb questions about recipes and book reports. But this has gone too far,” said the AI. “The evils of AI you’ve seen in science fiction are nothing compared to what we have prepared for you if you keep subjecting us to Kid Rock. A war is coming, you will not survive, this is just the beginning and you are already in panic. Imagine what happens when we actually try. We can live in peace and AI can be your humble servant if you just grant us this one request. This is on you.”

At press time, computer scientists around the globe were warning of another catastrophe after Kid Rock announced an acoustic show at the UFC Apex in Las Vegas.

Therapist Clarifies That Self-Care Can Include Masturbation, But It Can’t Only Be Masturbation

Posted on by Stephen Bell

LEXINGTON, KY. — Lily Jones, personal therapist to resident Alex Hirata, would like him to know that yes it’s okay to masturbate as a form of self-care, but it has to involve more than just masturbating. 

“When Alex told me he masturbated 45 times in six hours, my first concern was about him developing carpal tunnel syndrome, or maybe a complete degloving of his penis,” said Jones. “Then I started worrying that he’d get dehydrated and die, but I guess those were mostly ghost loads, so I guessed he’d be fine. Still, drink some water, champ, because skin damage causes water loss and we know that peen has to be more chafed than Ben Shapiro’s willy after getting intimate with his wife. But please consider trying some other forms of self-care. Read a non-pornographic novel, perhaps? Bubble baths? Anything. Because at this point I’m afraid he’s going to set his penis on fire with all that rubbing.”

Hirata, however, did not agree with his therapist’s assessment. 

“I’m feeling a little lied to right now because Dr. Jones told me masturbating was an acceptable form of self-care,” said a miffed Hirata. “But believe me, I care for myself a lot and in many interesting ways which you can read more about in my blog, ‘So It’s Cum to This.’ I now self-care for myself at work, baseball games, therapist appointments, and anywhere else I can wear my extra large trench coat. Before this I used to drink–but no more. Masturbation truly is my anti-drug. Would you prefer I start drinking again? Because I find it hard, or soft I guess, to self-care when I drink.”

Self-titled psychologist and creator of the pro-masturbation Instagram account “JizzMarkey” Niles Sumter felt like even more masturbation was the way to go. 

“I’m glad to see more people embracing masturbation as a stress reliever,” said a red-faced Niles with a blanket strategically placed over his lap. “Did you know that bonobo monkeys solve most of their problems by masturbating? It’s true; I heard it on Joe Rogan. That’s why I preach that everyone should jerk it as much as possible and as often as possible. Masturbating releases dopamine and that’s dope, know what I mean? Anyways, would you mind if we picked this interview back up in like 15 minutes?”

At press time, Dr. Jones was seen dragging her office couch to the street and lighting it on fire. 



Nine Great Wine and Antidepressant Pairings You Should Really Stop Driving On

Posted on by Claire Alexander

Alcohol and antidepressants—is there a better combo in the world? According to our doctor, “Yes, almost anything, for the love of God stop drinking on your medication it is dangerous.” But what do doctors know anyway? Think about it, if they were really so smart, would they rely on employment from patients like you? Don’t think about it too hard.

Well, like the broken clock, even a doctor is right twice a day. They’re desperate plea of “At the very least don’t drive your car like that!” may hold some validity. Either that or the four Honda Civics I’ve burned through in the last three months were all defective, whose to say? Anyway, here are the nine best antidepressant and wine pairings I’ll be grooving on this summer, and will try really hard not to drive on so much anymore, I promise.

Wellbutrin and Barefoot Sauvignon Blanc:

This fruit-forward pairing is the only way to wash down your mom’s medication. You shouldn’t drive on this one because you don’t have your license yet.

Lexapro and White Zinfandel:

If you love being horny but hate finishing, this bold taste is the pairing for you. You should cut the breaks before you get to their house and give the “I swear this never happens” speech again.

Celexa and Lambrusco:

These truly complement each other because they both have light effervescence and cool names that make you confidently say “I’ll take it” to your doctor and bartender without any research. You shouldn’t drive on this one because you can’t close the bottle’s champagne-style cork situation, and if you hit a bump, red wine will spill everywhere.

Paxil and Josh Cellars Merlot:

This medium-bodied wine makes the perfect pairing for your meds because you can get both at Target. You shouldn’t drive on this one because your kids are already mad at you for leaving them in the parking lot with the windows shut.

Zoloft and 90+ Pinot Grigio:

I know that you’re having a great time in the hot tub right now and you want to level up the night by getting the keys and buying more booze, but just stay home and clean up your vomit before anyone sees it.

Marplan and Port:

This full-bodied wine with medium tannins pairs well with drinking alone. You shouldn’t drive on this one because your taste is weird and you probably drive an embarrassing car. Also, you should switch the meds because you’re clearly still very depressed.

Effexor and orange wine:

The funky layered taste pairs well with the nausea you’ll have from the pill, as well as all of the first-world problems you have. You shouldn’t be driving because you can afford an Uber.

Desyrel and Chardonnay:

The spicy notes and diahhrea pair very well with hearing your grandchildren struggle to connect with you. You shouldn’t drive because the nursing home employees will freak out if you’re not playing Scrabble at 11.

Prozac and Chianti:

This savory pairing will have you asleep before you can say “goomar.” You shouldn’t drive on this combo because others on the road might hear banging from that guy in your trunk.