I think fad diets are as stupid as the next guy, but not all fad diets are created equal. I’ve recently taken to eating an entire large freezer pizza every single night as my only viable source of nutrients (along with 10 or 12 beers), which is not met with the positive reception you’d think. Since life is mostly a long game of bending the truth until it’s seen in a much more favorable light, I’ve reframed my binge-eating and drinking disorder as “intermittent fasting,” and suddenly everybody wants a piece of the pie.
Now, there are different variations of intermittent fasting that you should be familiar with before diving into the DiGiorno deep-end, and I’m going to give you the rundown.
There’s the “16/8” method, when you fast for two-thirds of the day, and then consume all of your calories within an eight-hour window. This is a good starting point, especially if you’re into day-drinking.
And then there’s the more favorable “23/1,” one-meal-a-day, or OMAD method, which is the one I subscribe to every single night as I plow through a Screamin’ Sicilian Stuffed Crust pepperoni pizza with two-and-a-half feet of cheese in the crust alone. After your sixth double IPA, compounded by the fact that you’ve not eaten anything in nearly a day, you may as well be eating paper, so this is easy eating.
Call it alcoholism and a poor diet, but I call it “half-in-the-bag macro hacking.”
And let me tell you, I’ve never felt better. My movements are more regular, even though bloody stool is an increasingly common occurrence. I sleep like a rock every single night because there’s so much grain, dairy, and meat sloshing around in my stomach that I basically fall into a state of shock before eventually waking up to the sound of my own screaming after yet another heartburn-induced, sweat-drenched nightmare.
Most importantly, I’ve lost about thirty pounds since telling everybody how I’m really just getting my steps in and tracking my caloric intake whenever they ask, “what’s your secret?” and I don’t want to answer with “throwing up first thing every morning and waiting until sunset before heating up another Freschetta flat-bread to gorge on in the darkness of my apartment.”
Just make sure you get a couple deluxe pies under your belt, because the green peppers and olives will be your only reliable source of fiber at this point, and you’re gonna need it.
The classic and probably most known “stinky cheese”. Infamous for its strong, pungent aroma, Limburger is often compared to dirty socks. Which checks out, as I honestly can’t remember the last time I did laundry. I saw on TikTok that if you put your dirty socks out in the sun, the UV rays kill all bacteria in there. And as we all know, TikTok is always right. So I should try that. But I haven’t.
While I’ve never had it, my bloodmouth friends have told me Roquefort is actually quite delicious. However, it can have a strong, tangy smell that many describe as being similar to moldy or damp environments. So that makes sense since the tangy aroma of an expensive blue sheep cheese has been wafting from the pile of towels in the bathroom. All it takes is one post-shower use of my cheese towels, and you’ll be swept away on a magical trip to southern France. And then of course you’ll take a magical trip to the shower again because you’re gonna need some scrubbing to get that smell off. Sacre Bleu!
This cheese from coastal Northern France, is made from cow’s milk and has a washed rind that apparently contributes to its intense aroma. Many describe the smell as being similar to fish or even a large fish market. Vieux Boulogne has even been called the smelliest cheese in the world! Pretty amazing. What’s not amazing, is that I’m honestly not sure where the fishy Vieux Boulogne-esque smell in my apartment is coming from. I feel like when I stand near the radiator I can smell it the strongest. But it’s not coming from the actual radiator itself. And then sometimes when I’m on the couch, I feel like it’s wafting from the cushions. But after a solid sniff test, those cushions are a cheddar at most. But I suppose the key to keeping life interesting is mystery!
Mama Mia! This Italian cheese has a distinct aroma that some compare to earthy mushrooms and fungi. And I’ll tell you one thing: this fun-guy has had a crotch itch for about 5 months that’s whipping a Taleggio stank that’ll make even the most seasoned of Cheesemongers do a double take. Is it a fungus? Is it a rash? Is it just body odor caked on from years of playing basement shows with no ventilation? No one really knows. Including the CDC. Believe me, I’ve been contacted. But one thing’s for sure: my unwashed undercarriage smells like Italian cheese.
Our final entry is a traditional Sardinian cheese known for its pungency, as well as its dubious legality. This hard-to-find cheese is made by allowing fly larvae, otherwise known as maggots, to infest the cheese, which then break down the fats, resulting in a very pungent and sometimes fecal-like odor. Now before get you all judgmental: There’s no poop on my floor or anything gross like that. In fact the enticing aroma of Casu Marzu is coming from a wound on my leg. I open up my shin pretty bad, attempting to tre flip an 8-stair. Instead of going to the doctor I just wrapped one of my socks around it. But I think the sock has kinda fused with the wound. And I saw a documentary about how sometimes maggots can clean wounds, so… well you get it. Basically gourmands wanna smell my cheese leg, and I’ve got about 34 new wriggling animal companions. Talk about a win/win!
Any dream with a baby in it is an anxiety dream.
Look, we all had a crush on her during childhood, but the fact is Jennifer Connelly was 15 when this movie was made. If she is in our dreams, our deep-seated shame prevents us from remembering in the morning, and that’s saying something because as you’ll soon see, we remember a lot!
He may look like a mechanical monster but he’s actually a really sweet guy once you get to know him. Biblically. In your sleep, on those nights when you decide to ignore your doctor’s warning about drinking on your meds.
Is it just us or do they give off a swinger vibe? The stepmom basically tells Sarah she wouldn’t have to babysit so much if she would go out and get laid instead. We’ve never seen a stepmom like that in a Disney movie before, but we’ve surely seen them in a lot of internet videos.
It’s the same as it is in the movie except the big drilbit thingy has a dildo on it. Not our most imaginative Labyrinth-themed recurring sex dream but unnerving nonetheless.
Oh, we can hear your judgments already just typing this. “The old wise muppet from Labyrinth? You guys dream about fucking that guy?!” Well, for your information, no, we don’t! We have sex with the bird who lives in his hat while the old man sleeps.
Not only do they haunt my most erotic dreams, but in real life I can no longer finish without imagining a closet full of goblins eagerly waiting for me to cum so that they can enter our world.
In the film, we see Worm comically and inadvertently trigger Sarah’s long adventure by advising her not to take the shortest route to the castle. Worm has led me down some pretty strange corridors too, namely the dark and twisted labyrinth of my psycho-sexual desires. “Don’t go that way! You’ll never get spanked by your third-grade math teacher if you go that way!”
You know the Snappers, those little bitey creatures the guards torturing Ludo keep on the ends of sticks? Well, on nights when we chase our melatonin down with a little too much wine, they do more than bite.
These are the guys who hit Sarah with the classic “One of us always lies and one of us always tells the truth” problem. You only get to ask one question, and for some reason whenever we encounter them in dreamland our question is always “Are we gonna get freaky or not?” Even by 5-way with muppet standards, it gets WILD.
We know what you’re thinking, they’re just door knockers. Sure, they can talk, but they’re door knockers. How the hell can someone have sex with a doorknocker? Hell, when we encounter them in our dreams, that’s the first thing we ask ourselves—”A talking door knocker? How the hell do I have sex with that?” Then we remember that in a world built on Jim Henson’s imagination, anything is possible. By the time we realize it’s a dream and wake up we’ve had them both every which way.
The implications are as obvious as they are disgusting.
