Good News: Experts Claim Depressed People No Longer Have to Walk Into Ocean, It Will Now Come to Them

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

WASHINGTON – Experts at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration recently claimed that depressed people will no longer have to make the lengthy trek to the ocean in order to end it all, pleased sources report.

“You heard that right, all you sad people. The ocean’s going to do your dirty work for you and come straight to your doorstep,” said lead researcher Robert Allen. “Amazon has inspired this change in more ways than one! But emissions aside, this was really because the public has been telling us they need more mental health services. And we, and the relentless march of climate change, listened. We’ve been learning a lot about how one of the main symptoms of depression is lack of motivation, so the thing about the ocean should come as a great relief for millions. They wouldn’t understand hard work, but hopefully they can appreciate it and maybe even thank us before they’re gone.”

Joan Ericson, a severely depressed resident of Kanas, shared her reaction to this groundbreaking report.

“You know I’ve never seen the ocean in my life, all I have a dirty lakes and ponds, and i’ll be damned if I make one of those bogs my eternal resting place. With work, family obligations, and my dog, I’m constantly struggling to fit suicide attempts into my schedule, so to hear that the rising ocean levels are coming my way really makes things easier for me,” said Ericson. “Seriously, I haven’t had such a glimmer of hope in almost a decade. This is going to be bigger than meal prep.”

Climate scientist Katie Saracina went into more depth on this life-changing and incredible discovery.

“I’ve never smiled during an interview before. It’s so rare we get to share good news,” said Saracina. “To be honest, I was confused by the reaction when we released the new sea level report. All my years of studying the effects of sea level rise told me this is catastrophic, but now everyone is talking about what a great thing this is for people who want to check out a bit early. I can see the silver lining, I guess.”

As of press time, experts are working on a report now about a massive meteor that’s likely to wipe out the whole Midwest.

7 Items You Can Use Instead of Toilet Paper Because, Fuck It, You Don’t Own This Place

Posted on by Jennifer Donovan

Ruh-roh! Run out of toilet paper and wonder what else you can use? Luckily, you can’t afford to own a toilet let alone the sewer laterals that transport shit from a toilet to the waste treatment facility so what you flush down the pot really isn’t your problem. It’s your landlord’s. And fuck that guy.

Now’s your chance to revel in the freedom that is not owning a home while sticking it to the ruling class by clogging up their pipes in a fun and inventive way. Next time you find yourself reaching for an empty roll of toilet paper try these 7 alternatives for cleaning your behind.

Your ex’s Korn t-shirt
This is really a two birds, one porcelain throne kind of situation. You asked him to pick up his box of stuff many times and the worn-in softness makes it ideal for ass wiping while retaining pipe-clogging properties. Unleash that freak.

Kitty Litter
Do you have a cat? Of course not. Your lease says no pets. But it doesn’t specifically say you can’t flush cat litter down the toilet, now does it? Your landlord deprives you the joy of a fluffy companion. And for that you should shit in a litter box and flush it down his toilet.

Newspaper
Not the most comfortable material to clean your nethers but it does make a political statement. Sports section? Classifieds? Obituaries (weird but, we won’t judge)? Show the world how you really feel with the wipe of an ass.
Non-flushable baby wipes
It’s the luxury choice. Clean, comfortable, and refreshing with the power to build up over time and wreak havoc after you’ve already moved out.

The tube
We’ve all been there. When faced with nothing or the empty toilet roll sometimes you gotta make do with what you’ve got. It might take a couple tries to get it down but keep the faith and keep smashing that toilet flush handle.

Tony Robbins Life Force
Your insufferable roommate won’t stop quoting it and left it right there on the toilet tank. Take charge of your life in a meaningful way. Wipe your ass with Tony.

All 30+ pages of your rental agreement
From limiting overnight guests to forbidding ukuleles on the property your asshole landlord has micromanaged every aspect of your life. He failed, however, to put a clause in there regarding damage to plumbing. So Doordash yourself some Taco Bell, cozy up with your lease, and let ‘er rip.

Power-Mad NPR Announces Giant Desk Concerts

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

WASHINGTON — National Public Radio, drunk on its own power over hordes of tea-drinking listeners, announced a new series of mandatory-viewing Giant Desk Concerts, according to a press release.

“Listen up, you fucking plebeians,” said wild-eyed NPR Music spokesperson Jessica Hanover while munching grapes from a bunch held above her head by an intern. “The Giant Desk Concerts, which will be held on a desk the size of a football field, are going to make The Eras Tour look like a goddamn child’s puppet show. We’re going to bring in Sturgill Simpson and turn him into a cosmic country cyborg, Esperanza Spalding is going to be shot into space, and Clairo will execute every fifth person in the audience on a jumbotron, just because.”

“Truly, all who witness a Giant Desk Concert shall love it and despair,” added Hanover.

Longtime NPR listener Marissa Torres was conflicted by the popular non-profit video series’ abrupt turn into bacchanalian excess.

“I love the Tiny Desk Concerts,” said Torres. “The way that we get to see Chappell Roan do a gentle acoustic version of ‘Pink Pony Club’ so straights will feel comfortable or how Justin Timberlake performs an indie classic like ‘Pusher Love Girl,’ that’s what it’s all about. I’m just not sure I’m comfortable with my tax-deductible NPR donations going to what was described as a ‘stage that will pierce the very Heavens themselves and affront God on His weak-ass throne.’ That’s not what I thought my $15 was funding.”

Folk singer Laura Gibson, the inaugural performer of the Tiny Desk Concert series, was upset to hear about the upcoming new variation of the NPR staple.

“What the fuck?” said Gibson. “When I did TDC, I had to do it at [former ‘All Songs Considered’ host Bob Boilen’s] actual desk, and they wouldn’t even validate my parking. Charli XCX is apparently going to do an acoustic set with the entire Supreme Court on backing vocals, and all I got was [NPR editor] Stephen Thompson forgetting to take his coffee mug out of the shot. I may be an acclaimed singer-songwriter whose work fuses contemporary Americana, pop stylings, and rock to examine my Oregonian roots, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to chug wine excavated from the Great Pyramid of Giza onstage while the Blue Angels scream over a crowd of 500,000 people. Everyone wants that.”

As of press time, National Public Radio had further announced that ‘All Things Considered’ had been cut due to lack of funding.

Six Songs We Listened To This Week While Waiting For Beyoncé To Perform At The DNC

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Another week has passed you by, and you’ve done nothing to expand your worldview. Namely, in the field of new music. Your friends are worried about you, and have been blasting your record collection behind your back for years. It’s time for a change. New music is so easy to find these days that it’s actually a herculean task to stay stuck in your old ways. You shouldn’t have to suffer like this, so here are six new songs to get you on your way.

Less Than Jake ‘Not My Problem’

The summer of 2024 is nearly over. It was speculated that a ska revival – comparable to that one year in the nineties where everyone inexplicably liked the genre – would flourish, but that didn’t quite turn out to be true. But before you throw your checkered vans in the trash you can take solace in the fact that the skacore legends like Less Than Jake are still holding up their end of the bargain.

Blink-182 ‘No Fun’ & ‘All In My Head’

After their massively successful reunion album, ‘One More Time,’ Blink-182 is set to release a sequel in the form of eight new songs culled from the original sessions. The first two to be released, ‘No Fun’ and ‘All In My Head’ pick up right where ‘One More Time’ left off, delivering stadium-ready hooks with maxed out production value. They’re almost good enough to convince you to get your old band back together, but please be advised that is a terrible idea.

Laura Jane Grace ‘Baby, Baby’ (The Sidekicks Cover)

Famed Chicago punk label, Red Scare Records, is set to release a new compilation record in celebration of their 20th year in operation. The comp is set to feature new songs and covers from an absolutely stacked lineup of bands that have peppered the label’s storied roster. Among the tracklist is Laura Jane Grace’s excellent cover of Red Scare alumni The Sidekicks’ 2012 track, ‘Baby, Baby,’ which Grace has deemed her favorite of the Ohio band’s beloved discography.

Amyl and the Sniffers ‘Chewing Gum’

Drop what you’re doing and shut the fuck up. Amyl and the Sniffers have a new album coming out and literally nothing else is as important as that. The Aussie quartet’s third full length, ‘Cartoon Darkness,’ is set to drop at the end of October. Because the band knows that is a ridiculously long time to wait for more of their high octane magic, they’ve released the single ‘Chewing Gum.’ Unlike your favorite brand, this one will maintain its flavor for unlimited spins.

Balance and Composure ‘any means’

Your saddest, most lethargic friend has had a noticeable pep in their step lately. That’s probably because a reunion album from indie mainstays Balance and Composure is rapidly approaching. ‘With You In Spirit’ will mark the band’s first new album in nearly a decade, and based on the lead singles, it will be well worth the wait. The latest teaser, ‘Any Means,’ is lush as hell and filled to the brim with lyrics that will soon become your aforementioned friend’s vague Facebook posts for weeks to come.

Because we know you can never go back to your hideously boring old life, we’ve compiled these and a fuckton more songs into a handy playlist for you. Click here to listen and dazzle your friends with your newfound relevancy.

You Couldn’t Make ‘Deadpool & Wolverine’ in Today’s Woke Culture

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

In a world where everyone claims to be triggered and everyone is offended by something, it’s clear that the glorious, unfiltered masterpiece that the 2024 film ‘Deadpool & Wolverine’ could never survive the fragile sensibilities of today’s “woke” culture. This cinematic tour de force, where two antiheroes carve up baddies while exchanging black-humored quips sharper than their weapons, would undoubtedly face the wrath of a hyper-sensitive public, leading to a box office flop and all those involved to be canceled.

There is no ‘safe space’ when it comes to Deadpool’s humor – something today’s snowflakes couldn’t handle. The Merc with a Mouth is known for his no-holds-barred approach to comedy, much of which would be immediately flagged as problematic by the internet. Deadpool doesn’t care about your feelings when it comes to his humor; profanity-laced dialogue, gay jokes, promoting drug use, and taking aim at the disabled. Audiences would riot and demand a more “empathetic” Deadpool. No studio would be willing to even take a chance on such an offensive movie like this anymore, except maybe NEON or A24.

And then there’s Wolverine. The gritty, cigar-chomping mutant with claws to match his gruff demeanor. His very existence is an affront to modern sensibilities. Once the epitome of rugged, take-no-prisoners masculinity, Wolverine embodies a now-endangered species… the alpha male. A man with a past so tortured, he’s become the poster child for toxic masculinity. Today’s culture warriors would argue that Logan needs to put down the claws and pick up a glass of soy milk on his way to yoga. Or perhaps he could channel his rage into a community garden, because heaven forbid he actually confronts his problems by slicing through them.

Remember that scene where Deadpool fights Wolverine in the minivan? That would be nixed immediately. The violence, they’d say, is glorified. The bloodshed, excessive. Not to mention the weird undertone that I can’t quite put my finger on but made me feel both titillated and confused. Today’s woke filmmakers would insist on a heartfelt conversation instead. Maybe a seminar on conflict resolution, where Deadpool and Wolverine could talk out their differences over a cup of fair-trade coffee.

In this brave new world, there’s no room for the likes of Deadpool and Wolverine—unless, of course, they’re willing to trade in their bravado for a subscription to a meditation app. This film represents a bygone era where shock and irreverence were celebrated, not censored. A time when heroes could be flawed and unfiltered without having to attend a sensitivity workshop. But alas, in today’s cinematic climate, such a film would never make it past the MPAA, let alone the millennial Tweetstorm.

So, ‘Deadpool & Wolverine’ will have to be kept safe in the vault with other classics like “Blazing Saddles,” “Airplane!,” and “Song of the South.” Here’s to the good old days, when sarcasm reigned supreme, people had thicker skin, and the only thing getting canceled was the villain’s plan for world domination.

Person Horribly Embarrassed at How Drunk and Fun They Were Last Night

Posted on by Charles Bill

TOPEKA, Kan. – Local boring millennial Harley Shun admitted that he is horribly embarrassed by his drunken antics which made him enjoyable to be around for the first time in nearly 15 years, hungover sources report.

“Oh man, I crushed so many drinks and had such a great time last night, it was so mortifying,” said the ashamed party animal. “I have almost no memory of what happened. I showed up to the party and ripped four shots and everybody thought I was a great hang. It hurts to even think about how cool I was last night. Then apparently I downed a boot of beer and did The Humpty Dance on the table like a total badass while everyone chanted my name. I’m cringing right now thinking about how each person at that party now thinks of me as that drunk idiot who rules and parties hard. I promise that isn’t me!”

An attendant of the party attested to how wildly crunk and disorderly Shun was.

“Harley was raging like an absolute maniac,” explained Shun’s ride and friend Freddie Priat. “Normally Harley is a total square, you can ask them any Excel hotkey and they know it off the top of their head. But last night. Wow. It was a virtuoso party performance. At one point he was smoking 15 cigarettes because people kept handing him more, and it was a hit. I hope I always remain the same boring asshole so I don’t end up beloved and cool like Harley is. The moment where they jumped over the beer pong table to block a shot, and everyone hoisted them up on their shoulders, so unlike them. I think Harley has a serious problem with being awesome.”

Leading experts on partying subcultures say that this is not only embarrassing, but dangerous.

“There’s a lot of risks from binge-drinking and becoming the life of the party,” said NYU sociologist David Smith. “Drinking four or more drinks an hour can lead to liver disease, brain damage, and absolutely crushing pussy or smashing wang. Studies also have shown that drinking to the point of insensibility, also known as ‘blacking out,’ might result in making lifelong friends that you have to awkwardly call every few months. They’ll say you’re an absolute legend, but you’ll have to explain that you actually kind of suck when you’re not twelve brewskis deep.”

At press time, Shun was going out to a party and promising themselves they would only smoke weed and become a competent conversationalist.

Help! We Turned the Political Discourse Way Down but Now We Can Hear Our Neighbor Learning to Play Guitar

Posted on by Doug Kolic

The political divide in this country has never been more extreme. Americans have been siloed into two opposing groups with no seemingly little hope to ever bridge that gap. Our family, like many others, have spent the last few years at each other’s throats while debating every aspect of domestic politics. For our own sanity, we made a conscious decision to collectively ban its discussion inside our sacred home as it was destroying the fabric of our lives. But the disadvantage of turning down that discourse is our house is so quiet we can hear our lame neighbor Glen attempting to play guitar and it makes me want to jam a fork into my ear drums.

There’s only one thing more frightening than reading about the possibility that voting for one political party will lead us into World War III, while voting for the other will usher in an elected dictator who’ll strip us of our rights, and that’s Glen trying to play “Smoke on the Water” for the millionth time. Like dude, music isn’t for everyone, please stop. We beg you. At least with total nuclear annihilation, we can hope for a quick death which is more than we can say having to listen to Glen.

Our kids finally convinced us to stop obsessing over party politics because they claimed we spent more time fighting than “taking care of their essential needs.” If that’s what they want, fine—but now I guess we’ll just have to spend each night silently sitting around the dinner table with nothing to say to each other, while being forced to listen to Fuckface next door, absolutely murdering his Gibson.

As we approach what many experts are saying will be the most important election of our lifetime, it’s important to filter out the voices who are hellbent on dividing us as a nation and try to unify, otherwise everything we hold dear may crumble and disappear.

But hey, if our worst fears are realized and 2024 becomes known as the year fascism finally takes hold in this country, maybe they’ll outlaw supposed artists like Glen and send him to a re-education camp in North Dakota, which might be a reasonable concession to never having to hear to his so-called power chords again.

Maynard James Keenan’s Winery Not Sure What to Do With Pallets of Unsold “Stinkfist Chardonnay”

Posted on by Matt Husser

JEROME, Ariz. — Workers at Maynard James Keenan’s Caduceus Cellars were reportedly debating what to do with pallets of unsold “Stinkfist Chardonnay” after the Tool frontman’s wine failed to meet sales goals for mysterious reasons, sources who much prefer Snoop Dogg’s wine confirmed.

“This is just great, we finally got rid of all the RosÆnema that no one wanted, and now we’re stuck with thousands of bottles of this horrifically named product taking up space in the cellar. I just hope we can get all this wine sold before the ‘Hooker With a Pinot’ release next month,” said winery manager Casey Dowers, looking over the disturbing images on the wine label. “We’ve tried doing tasting events, giveaways—we even tried a buy one get one special but our customers don’t seem very excited about a ‘double-fist our wine’ promo.”

First-time customer Dan Walsh was reportedly put off not only by the provocative wine name, but some of the other branding choices as well.

“I love Tool and I’ve heard great things about the winery but there’s just something about this wine that makes me feel deeply uncomfortable. I mean look at this label, it says ‘get knuckle deep inside the bouquet of this complex chardonnay with notes of buttery milk chocolate and shame,’” said Walsh, making a face as he swallowed a mouthful. “I can appreciate this wine on an artistic level, but it’s not the kind of wine I want to drink on the patio when entertaining new neighbors, you know? Feels like the kinda wine you drink alone in the dark in your underwear at 3 a.m. when you just want to feel something.”

While the consumer reviews were mixed at best, wine critic Ken Pritchard was raving about the “complex, foreboding” wine.

“Behind the provocative name and upsetting label actually lies a daring wine that provides a challenging, sophisticated drinking experience. Its many tasting note changes won’t be for everyone, but true connoisseurs will be delighted to learn more each time they revisit this bottle,” said Pritchard, sipping the wine out of a custom glass. “This wine is actually a brilliant commentary on the nature of celebrity and desensitization, but I suspect people who’ve had their taste buds burned off by mainstream booze like Dave Matthews’ wine or Sammy Hagar’s ‘mezquilla’ monstrosity might not have the capacity to appreciate the complexity churning beneath the surface of the ‘Stinkfist Chardonnay.’”

At press time, Maynard James Keenan was reportedly last seen driving a tractor around his winery while yelling “whee!”

Opinion: No, It Wasn’t a Mistake, I Genuinely Meant to Post “April O’Neil Juggs XXX” as My Facebook Status

Posted on by Dan Rice

Dear friends, family, and colleagues,

It would seem that my most recent post on Facebook has caused a lot of confusion, and dare I say even unflattering accusations. I’ve reluctantly concluded that an explanation is in order.

As you or anyone who knows me is aware, I consider myself to be a student of comedy. I’m no Shane Gillis, sure, but I am constantly endeavoring to make those around me laugh and spread a little joy into this crazy world of ours. The reason that I VERY MUCH DELIBERATELY posted “April O’Neil Juggs xxx” as my status update was because it is a very funny JOKE. Sadly, this seems to have gone over the heads of more than a few of you.

Reactions to my most recent joke, or shall we say “comedic piece,” have so far ranged from frustrating to downright hurtful. You see, it’s funny because I’m NOT searching for crude pornographic drawings of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle’s reporter friend April O’Neil. I’m ACKNOWLEDGING that being caught doing that would be embarrassing! It’s an esoteric joke, sure. What can I say, I play to the back of the room. Shortly after posting, however, it occurred to me that this SATIRICAL status might be a little too advanced for the general public, and I deleted it, which very unfortunately backfired.

Somehow, in the handful of seconds between post and deletion, a number of you screen-grabbed the status and posted it to your own timelines, tagging me in comments such as “Homeboy seriously thought he was typing in the search bar and outed himself jackin it to Ninja Turtles.” First off, I was not “jackin it” to the Ninja Turtles. The CHARACTER I was writing in was trying to gratify himself with sexualized images of April O’Neil, a human woman of adult age. Secondly, It was a JOKE, because the IDEA of me doing that would be funny!

My only crime here is doubting my own comedic genius and hastily deleting this WORK OF FICTION within seconds of it going live. I am not, as many of you have insinuated “a pervert.” No, my family is not “shell-shocked by this reveal.” No, I am not “finishing on a pizza and then eating it (but no anchovies dude!)” Frankly, the fact that so many of your minds went there makes me wonder about some of you.

Comedians, oh, I consider myself a comedian by the way, comedians are explorers. Sometimes we need a lot of runway before we can take off, and while we may stumble along the way we should be free to experiment, even at the risk of offending. To quote Dave Chappelle, “Comedians have a responsibility to speak recklessly.” Thank you, and goodnight.

Velma+glasses+BJ xxx

Bank Purchasing House So It Can Settle Down And Raise Little Banks

Posted on by Travis Tack

CARMEL, Ind. — Wells Fargo Bank announced the acquisition of a quaint two bedroom to settle down and raise little banks, sources who couldn’t catch a break confirmed.

“We believe in the American Dream, where a bank can one day own several million single family homes. That was the vision our forefathers had. A country where any financial institution can have a house, a white picket fence, and 3.5 other little banks that were acquired through a series of moderately leveraged mergers and acquisitions,” said Edward Beaulac, Senior VP of Real Estate. “And maybe one day those banks will grow up and purchase the other homes in the neighborhood at rock bottom prices. Then we can get together for the holidays and sell all that land to the Chinese.”

Previous tenant Michael Weaver says the acquisition was a blessing in disguise.

“We may have gotten priced out of the neighborhood but on the plus side our new apartment is between a meth lab and a fireworks testing facility,” said Weaver. “It’s the best thing that ever happened to us! We’re big fans of ‘Breaking Bad’ and always wanted to experience the meth-trade firsthand. I’m just glad the community can come together to help a struggling multinational bank with deep roots in the global financial system and significant holdings across multiple sectors. Finally, the little guy wins.”

Jean Larsen has lived next to a bank for three years now and says she’s come to treasure the experience.

“I’d never met a bank before, but I’d seen them on TV and they seem like good people,” Larsen remarked. “When you first hear that banks are moving into the neighborhood, you worry that they’re going to come in and put chains on all the pens – but it’s not true. We have a great relationship. Last year, I sent them a Christmas card with a picture of my family and they sent back a flyer offering me a new line of credit with 0% APR for 21 months. They also recently purchased the factory I work for, so I’m really looking forward to seeing how that goes.”

At press time, the bank announced plans to rent out some of their recently purchased homes for a mere 400% of the mortgage cost.