Clown From Slipknot Makes New Year’s Resolution to Hit a Beer Keg With His Baseball Bat at Least 50 Times a Day

Posted on by Steve Packosky

DES MOINES, Iowa — Slipknot percussionist Shawn “Clown” Crahan reportedly resolved to hit a beer keg with his baseball bat at least 50 times a day in 2025, sources confirmed.

“I fell into a routine with this thing and my skills diminished as a result,” Crahan said. “I’m not going to let them slip away, though. I consider it an honor and a privilege to undertake keg and bat duty in Slipknot. Starting now, it’s going to be 50 hits a day, no excuses. I’m also going to keep proper form at the highest priority. No more half-assed, one-handed swings. Going forward, I’m choking up with both hands and staying on the balls of my feet with my weight concentrated on my right side. Just wait until you see me a year from now. It’ll be like a completely new man working the keg on that stage.”

Fan Justin Richer remarked on Crahan’s resolution.

“I just saw Slipknot at their Sacramento show in October,” Richer mentioned. “They were awesome, as usual, but I definitely got the feeling that Clown was phoning it in on the keg. It just didn’t seem like he was putting forth his best effort, even when they played ‘Duality,’ which is where the keg work is most prominent. It was disheartening because there are millions of people who would kill to be swinging that bat up there. I’m glad he’s determined to better himself, though. Honestly, I had been considering swearing off my fandom entirely, but now I’m excited to see them perform after he’s improved his skills.”

Nu-metal life coach Aubrey Carvalho offered her expertise on the situation.

“New Year’s is a great time for our favorite Tripp pants-donning musicians to improve upon their performances,” Carvalho offered. “Whether it’s Fred Durst dusting up on his slow-motion pelvic thrust to full-body headbang he demonstrated so adroitly in the ‘Faith’ music video, or Mudvayne’s Ryan Martinie perfecting the creepy smile in time with his iconic bass line to ‘Dig,’ the decision to resolve to better themselves at the start of the new year is commendable. It’s my job as a life coach to make sure they stick to it, and you’d better believe I’m going to make sure Clown keeps hitting that keg.”

At press time, Slipknot’s other percussionist also vowed to mime masturbating the long nose on his mask for at least an hour every day.

Car Racing, Prostitutes, and Mountains of Cocaine: A Breakdown of Jimmy Carter’s Final Days

Posted on by Dan Rice

Today the world continues to mourn Jimmy Carter, former U.S. President, Nobel Prize recipient and noted humanitarian, who died yesterday at the age of 100. He leaves behind a legacy of exemplary statesmanship, charity, and goodwill. Police are still trying to piece together the torrid, complicated, high-octane series of events that led to his tragic death when the mega yacht he had stolen exploded, along with an estimated 2.6 billion dollars worth of cocaine. Here’s what we know so far about the final days of former President and legendary underworld anti-hero, Jimmy Carter:

December 24th, 2024

Georgia Home, 7:00 – 9:00 a.m.:
According to family and loved ones, President Carter began the morning of Christmas Eve like any other. He awoke from under a pile of philosophical musings, song lyrics, and erotic poetry he had written the night before, downed two cups of cold brew coffee, and performed a nunchaku kata shirtless in the light of the rising sun.

A niece reported that around 8:00 a.m. he received a phone call from a still unknown associate. The former President listened to the speaker intently, his face growing stern, before replying “You tell Ramirez that this time, it’s personal.” and hanging up. When his niece asked who the caller was, Carter simply smiled and replied “Oh, just a ghost from Christmas past.”

Moments later Carter entered the living room where he stood a while transfixed by the family Christmas tree. After a long contemplation, he announced to the room “You know what this tree is missing? Some trim. Looks like ole’ Jimmy’s goin poon huntin.” His family members rolled their eyes, knowing protesting was pointless. They all knew that when Jimmy had pussy fever, there was only one cure.

Sure enough, moments later, his security detail could be seen scrambling helplessly as Jimmy Carter’s trademark fire-engine-red 1971 Dodge Charger jumped the gate blaring “Slow Ride” by Foghat. The Secret Service would remain one step behind the former President right up until the explosion that claimed his life.

Miami, 11:00 p.m.:
Carter arrives at Breakneck Alley, a notorious hotspot for high-stakes drag racing, sex workers, and drug trafficking, with a convoy of four other souped-up muscle cars all driven by members of his loyal mercenary group known only as “The Family.” A cheering crowd surrounds the convoy. Carter is something of a legend in the world of underground street racing.

Carter steps out of the car, humbly raises a hand to quiet the crowd, and says “I know what a lot of you young bucks are thinking right now — ‘Is today the day I race old man Jimmy out of his pink slips?’ Well if you want a lesson in humility, there will be time for that later, but right now me, and the fam want ourselves a merry little Christmas, and that means we need us some hoe hoe hoes. How many of you sexy ass ladies wanna go skiing with Jimmy Carter?!” He is heard saying “Just move the guns over” as the last woman of the night filed into the back of his car, and the crew speeds off into the bright lights of Miami.

Hours later, the crew throws a party at a Motel-6 the cops know to stay away from. According to the manager, “Carter and the family broke every damn bed we got.”

December 25th, 2024

Fort Myers Beach, 7:00 a.m.:
In the span of 45 minutes and with the assistance of half a dozen call girls, Carter builds 400 homes in a community recently devastated by a hurricane. A helicopter touches down to retrieve them, armed men urgently waving Carter on saying “Move move move, go go go!” Carter gets one foot in the chopper, turns back to the thankful crowd, and tosses a large ring of keys to a 12-year-old boy saying “You’re in charge now little man. Keep the faith.”

The Docks, 11:45 p.m.:
Surveillance footage seems to show a large drug shipment being received by a Bolivian gang. One of the gang members can be heard saying “You know, after this, I might go shoot a kid just for fun!” and everyone laughs, so you know these are really, really bad guys. Suddenly, Carter and his team emerge from the shadows, guns blazing. They are hopelessly outnumbered but if that scares them, they don’t show it. With expert tactics and marksmanship Carter and the family take down gang member after gang member, who as we established are particularly evil so you don’t have to feel bad about it. Eventually, the gang’s leader finds himself surrounded and alone. Carter approaches him, reaches into the pocket of the gang leader’s duster jacket, and retrieves a microchip of some kind.

CARTER: Looks like someone’s been naughty this year.
GANG LEADER: You’re crazy man! Do you have any idea who you’re stealing from?!
CARTER: You go tell your boss he’s next. Go, before I change my mind!

The gang leader scampers off sheepishly. Carter hands the microchip to one of his mercenaries.

CARTER: Get this to Mr. Nobody. Tell him Jimmy says Merry Christmas.
MERCENARY: What do we do with all the coke?
CARTER: Well, I don’t know about you, but I like to snort it.

December 28th, 2024

Paris, 2:00 p.m.:
A security camera catches Carter wearing a button-up shirt with the sleeves cut off and a large chain necklace. In one hand he holds a bottle of wine, in the other an NPR tote bag containing a baguette and a single rose. It is unknown how he got there, but he bears the look of a man who has been double-crossed, left for dead, and doesn’t know what comes next.

7:00 p.m.:
Carter gives an impromptu public reading of a book he wrote just hours before. Everyone fortunate enough to have heard it claims it to be his magnum opus. It details his philosophy of humanitarianism, offers a solution to the conflicts in the Middle East that would absolutely work, and ends with a poem on the fertility of red Georgian soil that would make the most money-hungry conservative in the world weep like a child. He then lights his zippo and tosses it atop his manuscript, the only copy. When the crowd of Parisians, tears in their eyes, ask “Why?” Carter replies “Because the time for words is over. Now, it’s time for action.”

December 29th, 2024

Mendoza’s island, 6:00 a.m.:
Little is known about the final showdown between Jimmy Carter and his shadowy arch-nemesis Ramirez, but INTERPOL has been able to confirm a few key details:

  • Ramirez was overseeing child slaves loading his yacht with cocaine, cementing his status as extremely evil.
  • At some point, Carter performed a crazy motorcycle jump.
  • The guy from Carter’s crew who betrayed him to Ramirez turned good again at the very end, sacrificing himself to save Carter. Carter assured his dying friend that they would always be family, and he was dying a hero.
  • Carter coldly wished Ramirez a Happy New Year right before triggering the explosion that killed both men.
  • At the time of the explosion, Carter was fully erect.

It’s easy to despair facing the loss of one the greatest Americans in living history, but we should all try to remember the words of the man himself. “If I die going fast, don’t mourn me, because I died doing what I love.” Jimmy Carter, dead at age 100.

Bombshell Report Claims Tony Hawk Did Not Actually Write the Song “Superman by Goldfinger”

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

LOS ANGELES — A shocking new report by citizen journalist/unemployed man Gary Russo claims that skateboarder Tony Hawk did not actually write “Superman by Goldfinger,” shocked and confused sources confirmed.

“As everyone is well aware, famed skateboarder and Bagel Bites spokesperson Tony Hawk invented both the 900 and wrote the ska-punk classic ‘Superman by Goldfinger’ on the same day, but according to some earth-shattering information, I believe this may all be a lie,” said Russo. “I was able to access the dark web by entering ‘Incognito Mode’ in my browser, then navigating to this underground website, Wikipedia. According to them, ‘Superman by Goldfinger’ was actually written by an obscure ska band called Goldfinger. Tony just stole the song for his video games. Just know, if I’m found dead in the coming months, it was not a suicide.”

When reached for comment, Hawk was flabbergasted by the situation.

“I don’t really get the confusion, honestly. Neversoft came to me with a big list of songs and I just started approving the ones I liked. But somehow that song and I have become so intertwined. It’s not like anyone ever accuses me of writing ‘Jerry was a Race Car Driver,’” said Hawk. “Granted, I have sung the song on stage with the band a bunch of times, and I don’t really go out of my way to correct people when they tell me how much they love it, but I’ve never flat-out said I wrote it.”

Pop culture expert Marna Skeech added that this confusion is not unique to ska and skateboarding video games.

“This sort of thing happens all the time. A song becomes synonymous with a video game or movie or show that most people can no longer separate the two, leading to confusion,” said Skeech. “Consider how when the lead singer of Smash Mouth died, the hashtag #ripshrek was trending, with millions eulogizing the fictional green ogre. It also happens in reverse with a particular sound associated with a particular artist. The way that hearing diarrhea violently spraying against porcelain makes everyone think of Imagine Dragons.”

At press time, John Feldmann of Goldfinger has fired back at Hawk by claiming he invented both the frontside 540-Rodeo Flip, and the Saran Wrap.

Help! I Tried To Disarm Someone With a Smile and Ended Up Getting Stabbed 12 Times

Posted on by Zack Zagranis

Today was definitely not the greatest day I’ve ever known. It started like any other day: the sun was shining, birds were chirping, and all seemed right with the world. The trouble started when I decided to stop at the record store after work to finally replace the beat-up copy of Siamese Dream I’d had since 1993. Little did I know that my routine visit to Bull Moose would turn into a bloodbath.

No sooner had I walked out of the store, brand new record in hand, when a man in a ski mask stopped me and demanded I give him everything I had…or else. At first, I thought it was some TikToker making a prank video, but then he pulled out a switchblade.

The moment I saw that knife, my mind started to race. In 43 years, I had failed to acquire any useful self-defense tips. I looked down at the Smashing Pumpkins album in my hand, and suddenly the answer hit me. Of course, it was so simple! I could disarm my assailant with a smile!

If you told me in the seventh grade that the words of Billy Corgan would someday save my life, I wouldn’t have believed you. Thirty-one years later, as I lay bleeding from 12 stab wounds in a strip mall parking lot, I can confirm they do not.

I don’t know what it was about my smile that the mugger found so offensive, but as soon as I flashed my pearly whites, he began thrusting his blade into my stomach over and over again with savage abandon. All in all, it took him only 20 seconds to turn my abdomen into Swiss cheese and make off with my phone and wallet. He left the record, though, so that’s something, at least.

Thankfully, an old lady coming out of Market Basket saw me lying in a pool of blood and called 911. Now, as I wait for the EMTs to come, I can’t help but wonder how many other grunge legends lied to me. Was Alice in Chains wrong? Did they come to snuff the Rooster? What if Kurt Cobain was fibbing, and it’s actually more dangerous with the lights out? Hell, I bet that Jeremy kid didn’t say shit before he shot himself.

One thing I do know is that when I’m well enough, I plan on suing Billy Corgan. Nothing excessive, just enough cash to cover my medical bills. After all, it was his irresponsible lyrics that got me stabbed 12 times. It’s the least he could do!

Elderly Man Falls for Old “Red Hot Chili Peppers CD Stuffed into a Flaming Bag at Front Door” Gag

Posted on by Chris Bowen

ALBION, N.Y. — Local curmudgeon Hadwin McKlusky fell victim to a vicious prank played by neighborhood kids in which they placed a Red Hot Chili Peppers CD into a bag and set it ablaze on his front porch, annoyed sources report.

“I was trying to have a nice relaxing night commenting ‘Trump for Emperor’ on Facebook posts when I heard my doorbell. I was already pissed I had to put pants on to answer the door, then the ball of fire on my porch really set me off,” McKlusky explained. “I couldn’t let my house burn down, cuz’ I know my lousy kids would put me in a home if it did. So I had no choice but to stomp it out, and what I found was disgusting. Red Hot Chili Peppers? Really? It ruined my slippers and I nearly puked all over my wife’s prized roses from the stench of the burning liner notes. I’d much rather it have been a steaming bean log than that funk-rock horse shit. This generation is fucked.”

Prankster Zach Cardin claims his cantankerous neighbor had it coming.

“Old man McKlusky apparently has an issue with hearing my grindcore band practice at 11:30 p.m. every night, so he really had it coming,” Cardin said. “We knew my buddy Terry’s dad has incredibly shitty taste in music, so we raided his dusty old CD cabinet and found the creme-de-la-crap: ‘Stadium Arcadium.’ Ugh, I get nauseous thinking about the sound that Peppers CD plopping into that bag made, but it was totally worth it. The look of sheer repulsion on his face was priceless.”

Local police chief Officer Ralph Daughtry warns that while humorous, these types of pranks can be very dangerous.

“It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt, and when it comes to pranks involving awful bands, people get seriously injured,” Officer Daughtry said. “One guy thought it would be funny if he snuck an Aerosmith CD into his friend’s car. He became so irate, he beat his own friend to death with a tire iron to the sounds of ‘Love in an Elevator.’ Another man once signed his buddy up for the Trapt mailing list and barely lived to tell the tale.”

At press time, Cardin taped a piece of paper to McKlusky’s back when he wasn’t looking that simply read “Kick me because I love Dave Matthews Band.”

Man in Body Wash Aisle Debating Whether He Wants to Smell Like Wood or Stone

Posted on by Matt McInerney

BOULDER, Colo. — Local man Turner Eaton was seen standing in the soap aisle of CVS, debating whether to purchase body wash that would make him smell like stone or cedarwood, concerned sources confirmed.

“I didn’t even know that stone emits an aroma. I guess I can kind of picture a cedar fragrance. Actually, I think I’m just imagining drinking an old fashioned in the woods. These bottles are like 64 ounces, I just don’t want to make a three-month mistake,” said Eaton. “Why don’t they just make the body wash in green apple like my three-in-one shampoo, conditioner, and aftershave? I know what an apple smells like! Oh god, this is going to end up smelling like AXE body spray, isn’t it?”

Florence Clay, Eaton’s long-time girlfriend, was worried he might spiral over this.

“This is my fault. A few months ago, I bought him a body wash that just said it smelled like ‘sport,’ whatever that means. Later I admitted I didn’t like the aroma. I just wanted to be nice since he’s always out of soap and usually stuck using his shampoo for his armpits. When I finally told him it reeked, he said he felt like he’d been living a lie,” said Clay. “I don’t know why he acts like I’m the de facto judge of this stuff. A year ago, I bought him a shirt that finally fits for the first time in his life, and now he treats me like the definitive source of all things that make him presentable to the world.”

Alonzo Waller, a creative director for the soap company Northbound, came up with the concept for these scents.

“Ah, yes, my finest work: the gravel and lumber scents. For years, men were worried about smelling like some wimpy flower or a fruit a toddler might eat. That was my inspiration. A man should smell strong… like a rock and timber!” said Waller, clenching his fist and shaking it in the air. “Before that, I’d never even worked with scents before! I used to be in apparel just a few years ago. I’m sure you know my work—I was the guy who invented the only four colors in the men’s section: navy, olive, maroon, and gray. That gem got me poached from Target.”

At press time, Eaton was seen distracted by a “tactical” flashlight display, painstakingly comparing the $38 bulb to the slightly brighter glow of his phone.

We Sat Down With the Dick Who Shoves Women Into Mosh Pits to Ask About His Other Efforts to Promote Gender Equity

Posted on by Mac McCarthy

The punk scene loudly promotes inclusivity. All are welcome, regardless of your age, race, religion, gender identity, or socioeconomic status, as long as you hate Donald Trump. But there is still a small cross-section of punk shows that can occasionally be openly hostile to female participants: the mosh pit. One man, Logan Hughes, seeks to single-handedly close the moshing gender gap with his actions. We insisted he speak with us after we saw him push several unsuspecting young women into the pit during a show.

The Hard Times: What the fuck was that about, man? Why would you do that?

Logan: I’m trying to encourage these women to participate in male-dominated punk spaces. That circle pit was an unwelcoming boys’ club until I stepped in to help.

HT: Is this a male-feminist thing you’re doing here?

Logan: Nobody ever changed the world by watching from the sidelines.

HT: But the woman you shoved was already moshing the entire night. She had stopped for 5 seconds to pick up someone who fell, but you shoved her away and that guy ended up getting trampled instead. He’s bleeding! How was this helpful to either of them?

Logan: Listen, it’s my duty as an ally to do whatever it takes to make sure women at punk shows have access to the same moshing opportunities as you or me. I don’t see you out here doing anything to help.

HT: Isn’t there some other way to accomplish that?

Logan: Of course. Being an ally can be as basic as supporting and encouraging the women in your life. Give them that small push, sometimes literally, to join a group they might not perceive as welcoming. But other times, it takes more effort to get to those marginalized women on the edge of the pit and show your support.

HT: And what might that involve?

Logan: Just getting in there and doing the work at every show to promote inclusivity. I slam into them with my best spin kicks and windmill my fists around to show that I think they’re just as worthy as a man to receive a crowdkilling. I don’t discriminate in the pit. If anything, I award preferential crowdkilling opportunities to the women I encounter on the edge of the pit

HT: Yeah, you’ve made that clear tonight. But there’s some risk involved in moshing, shouldn’t it be a personal choice to participate? Some people want to observe for a bit to gauge the energy before jumping in.

Logan: If I waited for them to willingly…excuse me, who are you?

At this point, we were approached by venue security to discuss another concertgoer’s accusation that Logan had groped her while she was crowd surfing. In light of this news, and in the interest of professionalism, we decided to wrap up our interview early and punch Logan hard in the stomach on our way out. We were unable to determine what else Logan does to help ensure women have equal access to punk spaces.

Dave Mustaine Starts Second, Rival Retirement Organization After Being Kicked Out of AARP

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LA MESA, Calif. — Prolific thrash metal frontman Dave Mustaine started a rival retirement organization after being removed from the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP), sources report.

“I didn’t do anything to deserve this, but it’s definitely not over,” Mustaine said. “If the suits over at AARP think they’ve seen the last of me, they are sorely mistaken. Everybody knows Megadeth is the biggest and most well-known thrash metal band, and I’m going to do the same thing with this new retirement organization. It’s going to offer better and more accomplished healthcare advocacy, consumer fraud education, and discounts than they do. I’m not sure what exactly their problem is, but we’ll see who’s an ‘insufferable asshole’ when my organization usurps theirs as the premier interest group for seniors.”

AARP rep Latricia Montgomery offered her side of the story.

“Traditionally, the AARP hasn’t had to expel members,” Montgomery explained. “However, we had no choice but to make an exception with Mr. Mustaine. Never in the organization’s 6 decades have we dealt with someone so disagreeable and cantankerous. His constant emails and intrusions at chapter meetings were such disruptions to our operations that we had to ask him to leave. He’s certainly welcome to come back on a trial basis if he can temper his demeanor, but I really don’t see that happening. If you had been present in our exchanges with him, you’d understand my lack of optimism that he’ll change his ways and become more pleasant to interact with. I wish him well with this new organization of his, but I fear he’s going to continue to have issues like this when he works with other people.”

Sociologist Linda French offered her expertise on the matter.

“Actions of famous geriatric musicians can often reflect what we see in their professional lives,” French offered. “I recently did a case study of Sammy Hagar making a mall-walking club decidedly worse after joining, and King Diamond once converted an entire congregation to Satanism after joining his church’s hymnal group. Unfortunately, this also holds true with individuals who are known to be objectionable by other members of their bands. Frankly, given what we all know about Mr. Mustaine, I’m surprised he lasted so long in AARP before getting kicked out.”

At press time, every other member of Mustaine’s new retirement organization had left, and he was searching for new people to replace them.

Man Still Grieving Radio Station That Went Off the Air 20 Years Ago

Posted on by Ben Friedman

EATONTOWN, N.J. — Local man Brian Johanssen admitted that he is still grieving the loss of his favorite radio station despite the fact it went off the air over 20 years ago, those close to him have reported.

“Until I was 17, the only thing that mattered to me was 106.3 WHTG. DJs were like a cool older sibling who’d turn you on to the best alt-rock bands before they blew up. Imagine waking up one day to find they changed formats to Top 40 pop music overnight without warning. You’d be carrying trauma for over two decades too,” said Johanssen. “I know stations changing genres is a part of life, but I never even got to say goodbye! Yeah, I can listen to all the bands they played on Spotify, but until a Jersey native plays ‘Mother, Mother’ by Tracy Bonham followed by the local surfing conditions on my radio for me, my heart remains broken.”

Johanssen’s wife expressed concern over his inability to let go.

“When we started dating he told me in passing that it was the only station he listened to his entire childhood. It’s only recently I realized he has full-blown PTSD from its demise, like when I caught him giving his tattered WHTG poster in the garage the thousand-yard stare or when he brings up that Matt Pinfield used to work there and then starts weeping,” said Sarah Johanssen. “His grief is manifesting itself into annoying shit though, like building a radio station in the shed and emailing the old DJs to come play R.E.M. deep cuts with him. He needs to move on already.”

WHTG’s previous station manager still stood by his decision even after all this time.

“The only way we make money is through ads. I’m fucking sorry if our market research showed brain dead pop music generated more revenue than plaid shirt clad hipsters spinning At the Drive-In,” said Vinny Palapolis. “To this day I still can’t get over how attached some folks are to FM radio. I still have nightmares about the time I switched up a hard rock station to country and a bunch of metalheads tried to burn down the studio that night. Get a life!”

As of press time, neighbors in the area of the station confirmed that a figure dressed in black and looking similar to Johanssen has been seen laying flowers at the station antenna.

5 Flagrant Violations of Arizona Boating Law We Found in the Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee Sex Tape

Posted on by Tim Sheard

If you’re a millennial or older, you probably remember “Stolen Honeymoon,” the leaked, mid-nineties sex footage of then-newlyweds Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee filmed largely on a houseboat on the waters of Lake Mead, Arizona. You might even have managed to procure a copy for yourself, or at least were able to sneak a viewing of it from a friend’s father’s collection. However, we at the Hard Times never got that chance, and only recently thought to access it on the Internet.

While we pride ourselves in reporting punk news, we want to make one thing absolutely clear: there is absolutely nothing “punk” about refusing to adhere to boating laws written to ensure the safety of all participating in maritime activities, be they professional or recreational. With that having been established, what we saw in “Stolen Honeymoon” was such a shocking and horrifying display of thoughtless abandon that we would consider ourselves criminally negligent if we didn’t call them out. As such, here are 5 of the most flagrant violations of Arizona boating law we were unfortunate enough to witness in this video.

  1. Insufficient Personal Floatation Devices (PFD)

This is a big one. According to Arizona law, all vessels are required to have an easily accessible, Coast Guard-approved PFD for each person on board, yet nary is seen within reach throughout the entirety of the video. Both Anderson and Lee show a wanton disregard for this statute, and Anderson even goes so far as to enter the waters without a swimsuit, let alone a PFD at the ready. As the presumed owner of the boat, it was Lee’s job to ensure both he and his exhibitionist new wife had one before venturing out on the lake for their nautical journey of sucking and fucking. In failing to do so, he put both of them in mortal danger of inclement weather-induced choppy waters or an accident resulting from poor stewardship (more on that to come.) We can only count our blessings that neither occurred.

  1. Unlawful Use of Foghorn

Each boat should come equipped with a foghorn whose designated purpose is to alert other vessels of its presence, particularly when the water’s conditions have significantly hampered visibility (e.g. fog.) It can also be used to warn of potential hazards in the paths of others. It is not a toy to be operated needlessly and gratuitously with your oversized penis, as Lee so heedlessly demonstrates in the video. Doing so can cause unnecessary stress on other boaters who may be in the area, which may further result in hazardous situations for which, as we’ve established in Violation #1, neither party was equipped.

  1. Reckless Operation

While at the helm of the boat, it is of utmost importance to maintain consistent awareness of the vessel’s speed, propeller area, and position relative to any potential hazard markers. This requires the operator to be seated upright with both hands firmly upon the wheel. Completely naked while intermittently steering with his feet, and sometimes even leaving the helm altogether without anchoring, Lee exhibits a disdain for these regulations which would almost be comical if it weren’t so dangerous. Shame on you, Tommy.

  1. Failure to Give Way to Restricted Vessel

As Anderson is swimming nude in the water next to the (presumably) unanchored boat, we hear another vessel approaching. From the sound of the motor, this is clearly a Crestliner 1860 Retriever CC Tunnel, which of course is a fishing boat. As we all know, fishing boats are considered restricted within designated areas, so it would have been incumbent upon Lee to ensure sufficient passage for the Crestliner. Predictably, he does not do this, instead choosing to implore his spouse to reveal her submerged breasts to him. This not only put the two of them in danger, but the poor inhabitants of the oncoming Crestliner as well. Lee would be well served in keeping his priorities in check next time, lest tragedy result.

  1. Sitting on Gunwale While Boat is Unmoored

Towards the end of the video, we see Anderson teasing Lee by repeatedly revealing her pubis while seated perilously on the boat’s gunwale. Such behavior is committed at a profound and unwarranted risk to her safety, especially given the lack of PFD as outlined in Violation #1. While it was surely Lee’s responsibility to ensure his boatmate had a thorough knowledge of the boat’s designated seating at the onset of their excursion, Anderson is not completely without fault for not letting common sense dictate her physical location before she began to digitally penetrate herself. Honestly, this complete breakdown of passenger welfare can be placed squarely on both of their shoulders.

There you have it. While this list is by no means exhaustive, it should provide the reader with more than enough information to conclude that these two have a lot to learn when it comes to sensible and conscientious boating. The statute of limitations on these transgressions may have long since passed, but we firmly believe they will be held wholly accountable in the court of public opinion for generations to come.