Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

RBG Doesn’t Expect This to Affect Judicial Duties

Posted on September 18, 2020 by John Merrifield

WASHINGTON — Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg is determined to continue fulfilling her judicial duties despite her untimely death earlier today, according to sources desperately trying to keep it together.

“I have often said I would remain a member of the Court as long as I can do the job full steam and I don’t see any reason why this should hinder my ability to effectively perform my duties,” Bader Ginsburg stated upon ascending into Heaven. “Now that I’m free of that God Awful flesh prison, I feel more energized than ever.”

“Colon cancer, gall stones, fractured ribs, nodules on my damn lungs… none of that stuff could stop me, and if you think a little thing like leaving this mortal realm will, you clearly don’t know who you’re dealing with,” she added.

The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on September 18, 2020 by Owen Crowlie

Welcome back everyone. This week’s comments feature adult themes, so if you are under 18 years old, please don’t tell your parents you saw any of this.

With that disclaimer out of the way, let’s talk about that Mary Jane, that kush, the devil’s grass, that stuff you smoke because it works better than melatonin gummies:

5. PlayStation 5 to Bring Back That Slot for Hiding Your Weed In

This strain? This is a vintage 2003 Horse Stank, aged and cooked to perfection by a PS2 I bought on eBay. If you’d prefer something harder, I also have some Blue City Diesel that was left in during a back to back playthrough of Metal Gear Solid 2 and 3 — that fucks you up real good. I hope they legalize weed soon, because I am too socially anxious to find a dealer and so far this is the only method of obtaining it that I’ve managed to figure out.

4. Gamer Kicked Out of Louvre for Trying to Jump Into Mona Lisa World

I really would like to encourage our readers to take on this challenge, but unfortunately my GameFAQs guide for breaking into the Louvre was taken down by the French government. They’re so concerned about “real” art that they don’t even stop to think about the sick ASCII art I typed up featuring me tasing a guard. If you are going to attempt this for the gamer cred, do keep in mind you only get one try.

3. Gamer Can’t Help But Hear ‘Continue?’ Every Day When Waking Up

Absolutely beautiful. Thank you for these arresting words, TotallyNotJ. After hearing this story, we had Hard Drive artists recreate TotallyNotJ’s sleep deprived vision:

The worst part is that after hitting continue, he had to start all the way back at the beginning of an unskippable lecture.

2. Psychic Beats Shit Out of Man Counting Tarot Cards

A little known fact about psychics is that they can not only predict your future, but ruin it too. Anyone who has played Metal Gear Solid knows that you shouldn’t pick these kinds of fights. Especially if you are a Pisces; your stats will just be far too low. Far too low. Look at me, Pisces. Don’t do it.

1. Vengeful God Moves On to Next Thing Tumblr Holds Dear

When you make fun of Tumblr, Tumblr arrives.

I was able to move past the sale to Yahoo, the removal of porn, Hamilton fanfic writers scamming people by feigning HIV, Dashcon, Communismkills, Superwholock, bone stealing, white girls pretending to be from India, diet pill scams, piss jello, the Homestuck fandom, white girls pretending to be Native American, endless discourse, Kickstarter scams, otherkin, and toe necklaces — but the thing that made me finally give up that hellsite site was the god-awful puns. God is trying to save you from yourselves.

Thank you so much for your comments, everybody. Remember, if you want a chance to be in next week’s column, be sure to leave a funny comment on any of our posts on social media! Now go ahead and bust out that good PS2 weed so you can have yourself a nice smoke and an even nicer weekend.

Opinion: Why Isn’t the Mainstream Media Covering This Story I Just Read on CNN?

Posted on September 18, 2020 by Bobby Korec

If we’ve learned anything from the LAMEstream media it’s that they only cover news that fits their incredibly ambiguous narrative. I literally had to go all the way to CNN dot com to find a story about human trafficking. Sure, it was also covered on CBS, NBC, ABC, New York Times, USA Today, Yahoo!, and almost kind of on Fox News, but not nearly long enough for my completely arbitrary standards.

Of course, I smashed that share button on the CNN article to let the Facebook world know that the mainstream media doesn’t want you to learn about rampant pedophilia perpetrated by Tom Hanks. It doesn’t matter that Mr. Hanks wasn’t specifically mentioned in the article. Sometimes you have to read between the lines and further educate yourself by watching YouTube videos from largely anonymous sources as I do.

A handful of the comments on my shared article seemed to insinuate that I was more outraged by the so-called coverage than at the actual despicable event itself and to that, I say, “you’re damn right.” The only thing eviler than human trafficking is Wolf Blitzer and his Illuminati masters over at CNN. Wake up, sheeple.

I simply refuse to sit back while this story doesn’t get the exact amount of attention that I deem fit for public discourse. There just aren’t enough people like me who outwardly talk about pedophilia daily as a performative gesture to show that I am definitely, without a doubt, not a pedophile myself, as long as you disregard those recent allegations against me. She was basically 18, for chrissakes!

Another thing about the liberal media is that they only cover news that doesn’t affect me personally, like coronavirus or police brutality. I can’t believe I have to actively search out news and opinions that justify my, what my family at Thanksgiving has repeatedly called, “incredibly narrow views of the world.”

That is why I generally stick to getting all my news from only the most trusted memes.

Naïve Anger Management Counselor Tells Cop to Picture Suspects Are His Wife and Children

Posted on September 18, 2020 by Piotr Parker

DIAMONDHEAD, Miss. — Local anger management counselor Damien Hall is in hot water today after instructing police officer Wayne Bailey to visualize potential suspects as his wife and children, sources still cleaning blood out of Ofc. Bailey’s police cruiser confirmed.

“Ofc. Bailey was mandated to undergo counseling to help manage his anger when it came to dealing with suspects,” sighed Hall. “I thought the best way to calm him down would be to envision the suspects he’s confronting are his wife and kids. He smiled like he understood me, but when I saw on the news he chokeslammed an 86-year-old woman in front of her crying daughter over a minor traffic violation, I knew something got lost in translation. I just don’t get how he thought that’s comparable to the affection I’m sure he shows his wife at home.”

Hall’s unassuming methods have been equally frustrating for Ofc. Bailey, who insists he’s doing exactly what he is told during sessions.

“I tell you, this ‘therapy’ crap is the biggest scam there is,” scoffed the seven-year police veteran while furiously punching drywall and becoming erect at the thought of his handgun. “I did exactly what was asked of me: I see some punk tagging the dumpster behind Arby’s, I take a deep breath, I picture my nine-year-old doing it, and then crack the fuckhead right in the jaw with my flashlight. I gotta follow the counselor’s orders, so on the police report I said the perp’s bruises are from falling off a skateboard. And guess what? Counselor Fuckhead says I’m doing it all wrong and need to talk through my feelings more. What a farce!”

In an official statement by the Diamondhead Police Department, Chief Ruben Williamson denounced Hall’s careless methods.

“I am shocked and appalled by the reckless actions of this supposed expert,” said Chief Williamson after throwing a rock at a stray cat. “Everyone knows that cops save their most heinous beatings for their wives and children. Hall’s total lack of compassion for the citizens of Diamondhead is so indefensible that if he were on the force, I’d have him on paid administrative leave over it.”

Following the reports, the Diamondhead Police Department announced that for the safety of the community, they will suspend indefinitely all counseling and therapy for their officers.

I Can’t Wait Until My Kid Is Old Enough To Watch “Fight Club” With Her Step Dad

Posted on September 18, 2020 by Eric Navarro

My toddler and I have nothing in common. Fortunately, I read a bunch of fellow dads on Reddit with the same problem. But the good news is, there’s all kinds of stuff you can do with your kid once they get about 7 or 8. Some dads were posting about showing their kid their favorite movie. Usually something like “Star Wars” or “The Avengers.” So cool! That’s why I’m super stoked for my kid to get old enough that she can watch my favorite movie, “Fight Club.” With her step-dad, of course, since by the time you’ll have found this note, I’ll be starting a new life in San Miguel, Mexico.

Scratch that last part.

I’m something of a film buff. I only watch films with buff guys on the cover. Beyond that, “Fight Club” is my favorite movie because of the writing. Like the part in the script where they wrote that the reformed Nazi from “American History X” punched the guy from 30 Seconds to Mars so hard he looked like “The Toxic Avenger” (my second favorite movie).

I can’t wait until my daughter is at an age where her cognitive abilities and life experiences have prepared her to understand and fully appreciate the shirtless epicness of Jennifer Aniston’s ex-husband yelling generic nihilism at other shirtless ex-husbands. That said, her step-dad needs to be present. At least so he can explain what an ex-husband is and how that’s different from a “baby daddy,” which is what I would be listed as on her birth certificate had I been a little more chill when bribing that medical records clerk.

It’s important to me that my daughter views media in the proper context. I don’t want her hearing about “Fight Club” from kids at school who may give her the wrong impression about its message. Could you imagine your child coming home crying that some rotten kid at school told her that “Fight Club” is, “a criticism of the practicality of nihilism as demonstrated by a group of misguided and emotionally vulnerable 20th-century men.” Can you imagine how that would feel? I can’t, but after talking with her step-father, it sounded pretty heavy.

Man Listens to Everything Except Women and Country

Posted on September 18, 2020 by Tyler Dark

MODESTO, Calif. — Local music fan Kenny Dillinger noted publicly yesterday that he is happy to listen to anything except for women and country music, unsurprised sources confirmed.

“I like a little of this, a little of that,” said Dillinger, interrupting a woman mid-sentence. “Some people are so tied to one genre or type of music, but not me: as long as it isn’t some bozo rambling about a pickup truck, or a woman expressing her feelings and opinions on basically anything, I can usually vibe with it. Country just gets so repetitive, and women are constantly bumming me out with all their complaints, so I just try to avoid those two genres in particular.”

Dillinger’s friends claim his versatile taste in music and clear disinterest in what women have to say dates back to his teenage years.

“Kenny is definitely the most cultured of us guys: he’s been to the French part of Canada like, four times, he doesn’t hate when movies have subtitles, and he’ll sometimes voluntarily eat vegan food,” claimed longtime friend Bill Morris while wiping wing sauce off his fingers. “One time, he came over out of the blue just to show me this wild African jazz album, and turned up the volume every time my wife tried to speak. I guess he’s got too refined a palate for some good old country tunes, or a reasonable discussion point from a college educated woman.”

Recent studies show Dillinger is a reflection of many American men’s sudden willingness to explore more eclectic music choices.

“This type of thing is actually becoming more and more common,” remarked Dr. Jeanne Marshall of the Abrams College Sociology Department. “Men everywhere are beginning to abandon traditional music choices and explore different genres — whether it’s electronic music, noise groups, or even some folk. Women, however, have remained solidly at the bottom of the list of what men nationwide say they’d prefer to listen to. We have seen men go through great lengths to avoid the opinion of a woman while openly fetishizing that same woman’s body.”

According to the study, rational arguments, empathetic points of view, and Top 40 hits were among the other genres to see a decrease in male audience.

Mario Exhausted After Taking Massive Jump

Posted on September 17, 2020 by Kevin Flynn

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Onlookers were astonished earlier today as the mustachioed hero of the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario, collapsed in exhaustion after taking a massive jump in the middle of Princess Peach’s castle.

“That was pretty surprising to see,” said an onlooking Toad standing guard at the doors to the princess’s chambers. “That guy just crouched down really low, made a grunting noise, and then took this huge jump right on the middle of the big carpet in the main hall. It must give him some excitement to do that, because he even shouted ‘wahoo!’”

Some disgruntled witnesses say that Mario’s improper behavior goes against the decorum of the Mushroom Kingdom and the Princess herself.

“I used to like that Mario fellow, but I have to say I have never seen someone act so brazenly in these halls,” said Toadsworth, longtime aid to Princess Peach. “I shall have to send out immediately to have the carpet scrubbed clean of the stains left by his filthy boots, and none of you Toads will speak a word of this to anyone outside this room. What would the Princess think?”

At press time, Toadsworth was altogether shocked to discover that not only does Princess Peach know about Mario’s enthusiasm for taking jumps, but that it’s one of the things she finds most attractive about him.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Sony Announces Double Stuf PS5

Posted on September 17, 2020 by Jacques Mouledoux

LOS ANGELES — In a stunning addition to their lineup of PlayStation 5 consoles, Sony announced the new Double Stuf PS5 during Wednesday’s PlayStation 5 Showcase.

“At Sony, we listen to our fans,” said Sony Interactive Entertainment CEO Jim Ryan. “When we learned how many of our customers were removing the top and bottom of one of their PS4s so they could stuff it inside their other PS4, we thought we’d go ahead and make it easy for them this generation. No disc drive, though.”

According to a list of specifications released to the press, the Double Stuf PlayStation 5 comes ready-made with not only twice the processors and graphics cards, but also two solid-state drives.

“Double the processing power will allow for an unprecedented two Spider-Men on screen at one time,” explained Tsuyoshi Kodera, director of Sony Interactive. “And two solid-state drives means twice as many no loading times.”

With so many options available for fans looking to play the next generation of Sony hits, questions are already circulating about which console is best for which consumer.

“For your average gamer, a regular PlayStation 5 will fit the bill just fine,” clarified Kodera. “For the kind of gamer who prefers a ratio of two times silicon microchip to hard plastic exterior, the Double Stuf PlayStation 5 will be the perfect choice.”

At press time, a leaked email from an anonymous Sony employee confirmed beta testing of a Carrot Cake PS5.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

A Sausage Link to the Past

Posted on September 17, 2020 by Hard Drive Staff

In the newest episode of The Hard Drive Podcast, Hard Drive editors Mark and Jeremy write and perform an original episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show! in which Mario and his friends head to Hyrule Kingdom and run into Link and Zelda! The entirety of the script was written live on the podcast with no ideas beforehand and it gets incredibly silly. Watch the process on YouTube or download the audio with any podcast app.

Why More and More Young People Are Quitting School To Be Tired All the Time

Posted on September 17, 2020 by Kevin Hufe

Career planning is increasingly becoming a priority for young Americans. In an era of bad housing and job markets, a bachelor’s degree isn’t as alluring an investment as it has been in the past. More and more of America’s youth are doing the math, weighing the deposit of time and money versus the reward of a degree, and ultimately deciding they can just skip straight to not having the energy to get through the day.

“I don’t really see the need to move multiple times, spend all that time studying and socializing, building up hope and dreams, all ultimately to fuse my joints together standing at a cash register,” says 23-year-old New Yorker Craig Scott. “Fuck it, I’ll just go clock in and head to the register now.”

Interestingly, these young people have found a variety of ways to stay exhausted without an extremely flawed educational system providing a boost. With stereotypical backbreaking labor sparse in the modern era, mental stress has become the in-vogue method for slowly killing one’s body.

Many youths have taken to long hours at thankless repetitive retail jobs frequented by classless entitled clientele to provide a rich, quality mental degradation. Still, some people have had to get more creative.

“By pursuing a career as an artist, I’m virtually guaranteed to have an unhealthy heart rate at all times,” says Crystal Mayfield of Philadelphia. “I’d have to hustle my ass off in a good economy. Under these conditions, I could never be certain of food on the table for the rest of my life. On the bright side, I came to this conclusion 4 years earlier than many of my peers.

Colleges nationwide will now be faced with the same challenge: how to make college more appealing than a lifetime of employment malaise.

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