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Naïve Anger Management Counselor Tells Cop to Picture Suspects Are His Wife and Children

DIAMONDHEAD, Miss. — Local anger management counselor Damien Hall is in hot water today after instructing police officer Wayne Bailey to visualize potential suspects as his wife and children, sources still cleaning blood out of Ofc. Bailey’s police cruiser confirmed.

“Ofc. Bailey was mandated to undergo counseling to help manage his anger when it came to dealing with suspects,” sighed Hall. “I thought the best way to calm him down would be to envision the suspects he’s confronting are his wife and kids. He smiled like he understood me, but when I saw on the news he chokeslammed an 86-year-old woman in front of her crying daughter over a minor traffic violation, I knew something got lost in translation. I just don’t get how he thought that’s comparable to the affection I’m sure he shows his wife at home.”

Hall’s unassuming methods have been equally frustrating for Ofc. Bailey, who insists he’s doing exactly what he is told during sessions.

“I tell you, this ‘therapy’ crap is the biggest scam there is,” scoffed the seven-year police veteran while furiously punching drywall and becoming erect at the thought of his handgun. “I did exactly what was asked of me: I see some punk tagging the dumpster behind Arby’s, I take a deep breath, I picture my nine-year-old doing it, and then crack the fuckhead right in the jaw with my flashlight. I gotta follow the counselor’s orders, so on the police report I said the perp’s bruises are from falling off a skateboard. And guess what? Counselor Fuckhead says I’m doing it all wrong and need to talk through my feelings more. What a farce!”

In an official statement by the Diamondhead Police Department, Chief Ruben Williamson denounced Hall’s careless methods.

“I am shocked and appalled by the reckless actions of this supposed expert,” said Chief Williamson after throwing a rock at a stray cat. “Everyone knows that cops save their most heinous beatings for their wives and children. Hall’s total lack of compassion for the citizens of Diamondhead is so indefensible that if he were on the force, I’d have him on paid administrative leave over it.”

Following the reports, the Diamondhead Police Department announced that for the safety of the community, they will suspend indefinitely all counseling and therapy for their officers.