Rail CEOs Prepare to Bravely Lay Off Workers In Wake of Ecological Disaster

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

ATLANTA — Executives at Norfolk Southern Railway and many other rail owners around the nation are reacting to the environmental crisis following a train derailment in Ohio by taking drastic steps to reduce employee overhead, multiple sources confirmed.

“The events taking place in East Palestine are unequaled by anything in American history,” said Alan Shaw, the embattled CEO of Norfolk Southern. “The cost of this catastrophe in both human and animal life will be enormous. Norfolk Southern must take responsibility and make difficult decisions to guarantee that we never lose this much product again. Moreover, I need to hold myself accountable for the part I played in this tragedy. In order to best respond to this situation and ensure that we are answerable to the people of Ohio, sacrifices must be made. Therefore, I am announcing we are dismissing 500 rail workers effective immediately. We will mail you your checks, if you show up to our property you will be tased.”

Union Pacific CEO Lance Fritz released a memo calling for solidarity among railroad franchises and stated that he would follow Shaw’s example.

“During such dire times as these, our storied industry must reforge the bonds that have kept us strong for 250 years,” Fritz wrote. “As a gesture of unity with our brothers and sisters in the Norfolk Southern boardroom, I am proud to announce that we will be reducing our own workforce by 10 percent this month, with further cuts to our maintenance department by the end of the year. Union Pacific will do whatever it takes to ensure that this tragedy does not go unmarked, even if it means firing every man, woman, and child currently keeping our trains running safely.”

CNBC correspondent Dillan Peterson praised the inspiring tone of the executives’ statements and reassured investors that the future remained bright.

“Listen, if I’m someone who’s got a heavy position in rail stocks, I’m happy with this response. I’m thrilled,” said Peterson. “You don’t usually see this kind of insight from executives. The ability to take ultimate responsibility for this whole mess and respond by selflessly firing hundreds of blue-collar employees trying to provide for their families – that’s exactly the type of leadership that tells you they’re not just going to weather the storm, they’re going to come out the other side stronger than ever. So, yes, I’m bullish on rail.”

The announcements came as a surprise to rail employees in East Palestine who were laid off midway through their shifts and have been stranded in Ohio inhaling toxic fumes for the past week.

Grind Band Much More Meticulous About Finding Obscure Horror Samples Than Writing Songs

Posted on by Chris Bowen

HOUSTON — Local goregrind band Coffin Stew give much more attention to scouring old sleaze and monster movie VHS tapes for cool samples to put in their songs than to actually writing decent music anyone would want to listen to at all, annoyed horror hounds report.

“Listen, I know we get blasted on Instagram for ‘being lazy hacks’ or how people ‘might as well just put on a Fulci film at full blast’ and whatnot,” said Coffin Stew singer Ryan “The Gorephet” Kenny. “But any old band can gurlge and scream while somone plays the same four Napalm Death riffs over and over. That’s why we spend our band practices browsing vintage horror for only the sickest sound clips. Who has time for ‘music’ when you’re in a grind band anyways? Not this group of depraved freaks.”

Long-Time Coffin Stew fan Allegra Rodriguez talks about how horror samples are the secret ingredient to a great grind band.

“To me, listening to Coffin Stew is an experience unlike any other band in the scene. Mainly because unlike all the other bands that I’m a fan of, I think their music is terrible,” Rodriguez said. “They clearly don’t give a shit about their songs. But the rush I get everytime I recognize the obscure ‘70s grindhouse movie scene the song’s intro is from–that’s worth the price of admission alone. A lot of times, I skip to the next song whenever the garbage guitar kicks in to avoid any embarrassment. At this point it’s basically trivia for me.”

Scene veteran Thomas Parker uses his vast knowledge and experience to weigh in on bands like Coffin Stew.

“The genre of grindcore, when not being of the political or weirdly medical-obsessed variety, was always just a way for horror nerds to show off their knowledge of Italian cannibal films and their love for early death metal,” Parker, who suffers from permanent hearing loss, yelled. “The biggest and most proponent of this is Mortician. You think those guys give a shit about writing songs? No fuckin’ way. It’s all about niche snippets and also cool shades, baby.”

At press time, Kenny was seen “gear shopping” for VCRs at thrift shops in the area.

Future Punk? My Daughter Just Covered a Wall With Stickers Then Threw Up

Posted on by Richard Circuit

My three-year-old daughter just got out of the master bathroom. She completely plastered the wall with stickers, then, not two minutes later, completely plastered the wall with vomit. And I couldn’t be more proud! Let’s just say it seems like I have a future punk on my hands, not to mention a bathroom that rivals CBGB in its heyday.

This is nothing short of epic. I knew she partied. She was walking around all wobbly earlier tonight. But who knew she had this in her so early? Vandalism with absolutely no regard for authority? I’m pretty sure she pissed herself, too. Pretty fucking cool.

She might be more punk than me. She’s got this legendary scream voice that wouldn’t even need a PA. Most things she picks up, she ends up smashing on the ground. All her clothes are tattered. And you should see her fucking hair, it’s pretty gnarly. I can’t believe I didn’t notice all of this until now.

She’s always moshing in the sandbox with her playdates. I thought it was because she lacked muscle control but I guess it’s because the government lacks control over her. I respect the fuck out of that.

Has it been hard raising someone so hardcore? Of course. She’s up all night. She likes music that straight-up hurts my ears to listen to. And she listens to it over and over on repeat! I’ve never met anyone so staunchly passionate about their taste. I changed the song once and she punched me. Closed-fist shot to the cheekbone. Can someone say, “crowdkiller?”

Opinion: King Diamond Would Be Much Prettier if He’d Just Paint His Face Into a Smile

Posted on by Chris Bowen

Well, hello there, Kingy. Say, why so glum? What reason could a heavy metal master and servant to Satan like yourself possibly have to be such a frowny-pants all the time? Come on, lighten up, Diam-Diam! I know behind that evil, corpse paint scowl and all those devilish falsettos is a beautiful ray of sunshine just ready to burst out!

Just saying, you’d look a lot prettier if you tried painting your face into a smile more often.

Look, you’ve got the riffs. You’ve got the lyrics. You’ve got the style. If you just stopped with the silly bashfulness, fluttered those majestic devil-eyes, and drew a little less black makeup into a frowny face, you would totally see the number of participants in your Sabbath skyrocket into “Book of Revelation” proportions!

And you know what, I bet Grandma would be so proud of her beautiful Black Horseman if he’d show off that famous Diamond family smile.

I know, I know. You might be asking, “Why would a legendary heavy metal singer want to sacrifice his dark, wicked demeanor and image just to please the demon boys?” Or, “What the fuck are you going on about?” And I will tell you, both are legitimate questions. But I will choose to address only one, and that’s the darling smile of our godfather of blackened heavy metal, King Diamond.

So what do you say, King? Paint that frown upside down! I just know those bright, radiant, pearly whites beaming through that black mouth paint of yours is all you need to steal the hearts of the heavy metal community after all these years. It’s time to look like the satanic heartthrob you are.

DJ Under Impression No One Can Tell He’s Playing Rollercoaster Tycoon up There

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

MODESTO, Calif. — Resident Crocodile Club DJ Ronald “DJ Pelham123” McVorland is reportedly convinced that no one in the venue can tell that he is clearly using the booth laptop to play Rollercoaster Tycoon, suspicious sources confirmed.

“Rollercoaster…Tycoon? Oh! That old PC game for kids? Never heard of it! I mean, it sounds a little fun, sure, but I’m too focused on my DJ career. I have to get the people dancing,” said McVorland. “The only tracks I’m concerned with are the ones on my tracklist for the night. Heh, definitely not the tracks of a CGI rollercoaster I’ve been working on for weeks. I’m much more concerned with stuff like BPM and…hold on a second, let me just put in a tilt-a-whirl here…Oh, ‘put a tilt-a-whirl here’ is DJ industry term for ‘pick next track.’ Sorry to get technical.”

Club goers were reportedly not convinced that McVorland was giving the music his undivided attention.

“Something was off right from the start of the night. For one thing, he kept turning the music down at random points just to shout ‘WHEEEEEE!’ with his hands straight up in the air, not on the beat or anything,” said Macy Lindenson. “We couldn’t help but notice that his laptop would sometimes be shared to the gigantic projector screen behind him. When it came to designing the coaster, he was in the zone. Full minutes of silence would go by between songs before he noticed he was supposed to be cueing up another track, and he’d try to play it off, saying it was good for us to have time to talk amongst ourselves. Unprofessional, but it made a lot of us want to buy a copy of the game for ourselves.”

Local architect Myra Boyce was also in attendance that night, but had a more positive reaction.

“I caught a glimpse of his designs, and in my professional opinion, they were things of beauty. I know it’s just a silly game, but you could tell he had an eye for making creative, structurally sound amusement park rides,” said Boyce. “I wish he would have been a little more upfront with what he was actually doing, because a majority of the crowd was curious to see his coasters. Most of the frustration was with his insistence that he wasn’t playing the shit out of Rollercoaster Tycoon. To reiterate, any compliments I’m giving this man are for his construction and engineering skills, I am in no way endorsing his effectiveness as a DJ which, it should be noted, is very, very negligible.”

When pressed further, McVorland appeared to double down on his denial by, despite the entire club’s protestation and encouragement, refusing a full-ride scholarship to MIT.

President Biden Calls for National Moment of Silence for Lowered Railway Stock Price

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

WASHINGTON — President Biden called for a nationwide moment of silence and contemplation after the stock price of the Norfolk Southern Corporation (NYSE: NSC) sharply dropped following a disastrous railway derailment that is currently leaking vast amounts of toxic chemicals into Ohio.

“At times of unbelievable national tragedy like these,” President Biden said, addressing a crowd on the White House lawn. “We must take at least a moment to pause and think of the stock prices affected by disasters, regardless of who or what might have blocked a national railroad worker strike demanding changes that could have helped stop this before it happened. NSC has been struck down in its prime. Only last week, due to efficiency layoffs and the necessary relaxing of safety regulations for corporate well-being, it jumped to over $200 for the first time. It was just a kid.”

“Think of the shareholders and their lost dividends,” President Biden added, a tear welling in his eye. “Think of how this affects their portfolios.”

East Palestine resident Rosanna Sawyer had other concerns than Norfolk Southern’s stock price.

“I’m sorry if I don’t have time to mourn corporate losses right now,” said Sawyer while breathing through a moist rag across her face. “I’m squatting in a tarp shelter after being emergency evacuated from my home, I have no idea where my husband and kids are, and the only thing the government seems to care about is protecting a corporation’s reputation. I mean, I understand that business has to keep moving along in pursuit of endless profits and golden parachutes for the C-suite. That’s what America is all about. But it just feels hollow right now.”

Norfolk Southern Vice President in Charge of Public Relations Randall Winger took the President’s words to heart.

“While I may have personally donated above the maximum amount for an individual to Republican opposition to Biden, damn it if he didn’t tell it right today,” said Winger. “Norfolk Southern’s stock price may be crashing and we may have lost countless gallons of incredibly valuable, absurdly life-threatening ethylene glycol monobutyl ether, isobutylene, and phosgene, but we’re going to make it through this. Mark my words, Norfolk Southern will be back, bigger, better, and more filled with hydrogen chloride than ever.”

As of press time, five different Norfolk Southern engines across the country had spontaneously burst into flames and expelled toxic waste across several playgrounds and dog parks.

So You’re the Only Dog at a House Party: 5 Ways To Escape Socially Awkward Losers

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Well, it happened again! You’re a dog and your owners have decided to throw a goddamn house party, without consulting you or thinking what it will do to your schedule of naps and belly rubs. It turns out that your people are friends with a whole bunch of fucking losers who think it’s the job of a dog to ameliorate their inability to hold a meaningful conversation or even hold a glass of chardonnay without having a panic attack.

You’re going to be spending the evening escaping the clutches of nerds who brought a six-pack of hard Kombucha to a party, and you’re going to need some escape routes. Here are a few:

1. Act like you’ve smelled something really interesting in another room: If some dork from work somehow gets invited and wants to pet you all night so he doesn’t have to have to make eye contact with a human, just put your nose up, act really excited, and rush out of the room, even if you know there’s nothing in the other room but gross vegetable crudites.

2. Roll to show your belly, then keep rolling: Now, some people are not going to get the hint, the same as they didn’t get the hint that the party was really just a get-together with some really close friends. In order to keep their gross, clammy hands out of your fur, you’re going to need to resort to deception. Flop down, roll over like you trust them enough for belly rubs, then roll again, and again, until you roll right out of the room.

3. The MacKenzie Maneuver: These kinds of loser has never had a close friend in their life and they’re expecting “Man’s Best Friend” to pick up their fucking slack. Time to pull out the ol’ razzle-dazzle! Take a note from Spuds Mackenzie, one of the greatest dogs to ever live, and hop on a skateboard to roll out of there. The humans will be too astonished to even follow.

4. Smoke bomb: If they do, throw down a smoke bomb and bolt.

5. If all else fails, bite someone: Do it hard. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and you didn’t sign up to be one of those dork emotional support animals. Draw blood. Do it.

Man With Vape Musters Courage to Hang With Smokers Outside Show

Posted on by Charles Bill

HOUSTON — Local vaper Chris Garcia finally hyped himself up enough to hang out with a group of cigarette smokers outside of a punk show late last night, sources who tried to discourage him confirmed.

“It took a lot of guts to do that,” said Garcia while slowly releasing billows of vape smoke simultaneously from his mouth, nostrils, and both ears. “I rehearsed everything I was going to say ahead of time so l could come across as spontaneous before walking over there to join them. I was going to talk about how I used to smoke cigarettes too, and how I switched to vaping for health reasons but they could take that the wrong way. At first I didn’t think they liked me being there, especially when I told them I was vaping a mixture of something called Vanilla Vacation and Monkey Jizz. But I stood my ground, popped off a few clouds that were milky and fat, and blocked the venue entrance so they had no choice but to accept me as one of their own.”

The group of smokers did not share the same account of events as Garcia.

“We saw him staring at us for a very long time,” said Jake Flaherty while smoking a Marlboro. “Then he audibly talked to himself, saying ‘you can do this’ and ‘you’re just like them’ before coming over and filling a parking lot with vape smoke. So gross. I came outside to feed my nicotine addiction, not to smell your Fruit Loops vape. Maybe if he got an American Spirit vape we could have vibed, but we kept things very icy with him.”

This interaction is representative of a greater problem that many in the vape industry have identified.

“Cigarettes are so fucking rad and it’s killing us,” said CEO of Vape Ape Sandra Mezzinger between inhalations from her pen. “If I’m at a party and someone hand rolls a cigarette, everyone’s panties drop. But I can’t get away with filling the room with Juicy Genocide vapor, even though it smells way better. Ciggies have centuries of badasses smoking them, we can’t compete with that! They have Clint Eastwood and Humphrey Bogart, all we have is Dave Chapelle ripping clouds in between transphobic jokes. We’ve tried to sponsor Clint to use our vapes on a horse, but he hasn’t returned our calls.”

At press time, Garcia attempted to approach a group of people who just rolled a joint, but aborted the plan last minute and vaped in his Pontiac by himself instead.

Review: Drug Church “Hygiene”

Posted on by James Knapp

This week we decided to take a look at Drug Church’s latest release, “Hygiene,” and we found as we reviewed… ugh… you know what, no. We just can’t do it this week. This is all becoming a little bit much.

Sorry, we know you were all really geared up to read our review of Drug Church but we are just way, way too out of it lately. Like we tried to listen to the album three whole times already but all we keep thinking about is all the bills we have due and the dishes that need to be done and we haven’t even started on our thank you notes from Christmas – it’s all just a lot right now.

And we try to focus on something like “Hygiene” and then it’s all “you know we still haven’t scrubbed all those hard water stains out of the shower that the landlord has really been on us about. And now they are saying they’re gonna add a fee to our rent if we don’t take care of it but it’s like “we aren’t the maid, bro. You clean it. And please do something about the black mold under the sink, I’m getting really sick.”

Plus we’ve been, like, really overtired lately, even more than usual. And so whenever we do have free time we’ve mostly just been chilling – laying down, eating Ben & Jerry’s. You get it? I’m not sure if this falls under whatever late-stage capitalism is, but it seems like it might. I never really understood the phrase and, if you haven’t guessed by now, I don’t feel like looking it up.

Also, we just Postmated a whole crate of Zebra Cakes that should be here soon so we’re gonna have to probably walk downstairs to get those and like, maaaaaaannnnnnnnn there are so many steps, 22 to be exact. This building really needs an elevator.

So if you wanna give Drug Church a listen, go ahead we guess. Those guys are usually pretty cool, we think. Meanwhile, we got our own shit to deal with and we don’t really want to ‘cause we’ve gotten super into the “The Boys” recently and we gotta get back to binging that.

Score: Whatever, you figure it out, we’re bored.

/**/

George Santos Empathizes With Shooting Victims As Someone Who Died in Columbine

Posted on by Camden Brazile

EAST LANSING, Mich. — New York Republican representative George Santos reportedly empathized with the families of the victims of the mass shooting at Michigan State University as someone who himself was killed in the 1999 Columbine shooting.

“Families, I hear you. I understand your pain,” Santos said in a statement today. “When I was shot to death in the gruesome Columbine Massacre, it was just as terrible, if not more. I know what it’s like to lose someone in a senseless killing, as I lost someone very near and dear to my heart all those years ago: myself. It can seem impossible to move on, but I know that years after my funeral, it started to get easier every single day.”

Maria Vasquez, one of the many Long Island residents that voted for Santos, said she was moved by the sympathetic remarks.

“I had no idea that even though he wasn’t in high school nor living in Colorado at the time, he was at Columbine that fateful day. It really shows how tragedy can strike anyone anywhere,” Vasquez said. “And it highlights how little the mainstream media covers horrible events like this. I can’t find his name in any of the news reports or victim lists anywhere. It breaks my heart to think of the police going to his house and informing him that unfortunately, he didn’t make it.”

Critics of the polarizing congressman say this is just another wild claim with no basis in reality.

“Mr. Santos will say anything to say in the news cycle. Last week he claimed the Chinese spy balloon was actually his own personal hot air balloon that he plans on traveling around the world in,” said Owen Allema of the watchdog group The People of Congress. “Before that, he said he spent the weekend in Ukraine fighting off the Russian siege. We are used to politicians lying to us, but usually, it’s about policy or corporate donors, you don’t expect an elected official to lie about winning the first Indy 500 in a car they built themselves.”

At press time, Representative Santos said he would be delivering thoughts and prayers in this national time of need as a close personal friend of God and Jesus Christ.

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