Mom Worried About You Living in City Unaware Most Dangerous Place You Lived Was Childhood Home

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Local worry-stricken mother Deborah Gale is desperately pleading with her adult son Stephen Gale to leave his New York City apartment for “somewhere safer,” apparently unaware his childhood home was the most dangerous place he’d ever lived, sources reported.

“As far as I know, none of my roommates have restraining orders against them, which already gives them a one-up on my dad,” said the 21-year-old son. “My mom has an irrational fear I’ll step on a dirty needle at the beach or take fentanyl-laced drugs. Where was this level of concern the day I ingested a little cocaine I found in her purse as a child? I think she called her hairdresser for advice instead of poison control.”

The mother of three hopes he moves home so the family can relive the days of sitting around the fireplace together before eventually pissing off dad and getting an ass whooping.

“Maybe we weren’t a perfect family,” said Gale, “but show me a father who hasn’t drunkenly run over the neighbor’s mailbox and I’ll show you a liar. How does it make him feel to know his mother lies awake all night wondering if he’s been stabbed to death in an alleyway or had his arm ripped off while hailing a cab? I hope he carries a weapon. I’d give him my pepper spray but I need it for when his older brother flies into one of his roid rages.”

While there is an increased risk of living in major metropolitan areas, parents can rest assured knowing city life is nowhere near as traumatizing as the 18 years their children spent trapped with them in psychological warfare at the end of a cul-de-sac.

“St. Louis is the second most dangerous city to live in America, only behind the house you grew up in,” said Emma Powell, a sociologist at Rutgers Research Institute. “Parents concerned with the crime rate in urban areas should know the poor coping mechanisms they instilled in their children at an early age like hyper-vigilance and emotional numbness actually make them perfect candidates for city life.”

At press time, Stephen was seen meeting his mother half way by getting his car registered upstate to save money on insurance.

King Charles Figures Enough Time has Passed to have Queen’s Corgis Beheaded

LONDON — King Charles recently decided enough time has finally passed to have the Queen’s beloved corgis formally executed in a public beheading, not totally shocked British sources confirmed.

“With me mum kicking the bucket and your old bruv Chuck crowned kingy-wingy, I’ve done bugger all in the queen’s wing of the palace. So imagine me surprise to see mum’s corgi’s still around, chewing on her bed posts and thrashing about her old knickers,” said the Honourable King Charles III. “I screamed ‘oi, shut your gob, you fuzzy little wankers.’ And one of the twats bit a hole in me trousers. So I figure, no point in keepin’ ‘em around now. Might as well lop off the puppies’ heads, right? Maybe put on a show for all the dirty peasants outside to see. Pretty sure they won’t be too narked about some dog murder. Besides, mum died weeks ago.”

Royal Executioner Terrinald Dwight Bandersnatch was shocked by the royal request.

“Yes, I am technically the Royal Executioner, but capital punishment has been banned in England since the ‘90s, so it’s largely a symbolic title. Imagine my surprise then, when the King drops five short-limbed Welsh corgis in my lap and tells me to ‘start sharpening that bloody axe,’” explained Bandersnatch. “Apparently the King wants it to be televised live, with all the pomp and circumstances of the coronation. But frankly, I’ve grown quite attached to the cute doggos. So between us, I’m hatching a scheme to sneak the corgi’s out out of the palace using the various underground tunnels Prince Andrew had constructed for…reasons I’d rather not get into.”

Royal Family historian Michaelton Hunt explained that this type of behavior is not entirely unheard of.

“Anyone who has studied the Royal Family knows well that animal abuse is as much a part of the House of WIndsor as inbreeding,” said Hunt. “King Charles and his sons of course regularly hunt foxes for sport. But you may not realize that Princess Anne is a great lover of feeding Alka Seltzer to the pigeons in St. James park. And King George’s favorite party trick was placing sunglasses above a dog’s tail and pretending it’s bumhole was its mouth. That last one’s maybe not abuse, but it’s dodgy, innit?”

At press time, King Charles stirred additional controversy by “accidentally” including Harry and Meghan among the listed names of dogs to be killed.

Punk Rock Museum Attendee Unsure if Vomit in Corner Is Part of Exhibit

LAS VEGAS — Punk Rock Museum attendee Keith Pauline admitted to being a bit confused about the origins of a pile of vomit in the corner and left wondering if it’s an interactive part of an exhibit, sources taking photos with the puke confirmed.

“I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to be awe-struck, disgusted, or reminded that punk is unpredictable and puke could be anywhere. I mean, that throw-up could’ve come out of the mouth of Joey Ramone himself for all I know. But it also could have just been some guy who had too much to drink before coming here,” said Pauline. “The fact that it wasn’t behind glass didn’t help either, touching it could just be part of the experience. I did see a service dog lick some of it at one point, and none of the security guards said anything, so I’m really confused.”

Punk Rock Museum founder and NOFX frontman and bassist “Fat” Mike Burkett confirmed that he is also not sure of the vomit’s origins.

“Who’s to say where it came from. If it is part of an exhibit, someone might have approved it without me knowing. But it could have just been a random person, hell, it could’ve been me. It wouldn’t be the first time I puke in this place, it won’t be the last,” said Burkett. “I mean, NOFX is going on our farewell tour, and if anyone happened to catch me sober, I know people wouldn’t think I’m really dedicated to what our fanbase expects from us. So it’s entirely possible that I threw up there and forgot about it.”

Punk rock historians have been attempting to identify the source of the vomit since it was first found.

“Punk vomit identification is a very new concept that still has a long way to go,” said punk scholar Daniel Williams. “The world just isn’t ready for it yet. But it’s not a complicated process. I’ve been collecting samples from popular punk musicians for years now, most of them will give it to you if you give them $10, they’re pretty desperate for money. After that, it’s just a matter of comparing the unknown sample with the known ones, things like texture and taste are the best ways to determine if two samples are alike. I’m very limited by the number of samples I have though, so I may never be able to say for sure who this exact vomit belongs to.”

At press time, attendees of the museum were wondering if they would be charged extra if they accidentally stepped in any of the puddles of piss on the bathroom floor.

Every Rage Against the Machine Album Ranked Worst to Best

The late 90s and early aughts were a rough time for rock. Unfortunately, in our haste to flush nu-metal and post-grunge buttrock down the cultural toilet like the turds they were, we also discarded some of the only good heavy music from that era. For nearly a decade thereafter, it was “uncool” to still listen to bands like the Deftones, System of a Down, and, perhaps most maligned of all, Rage Against the Machine.

However, Rage has been reappraised in recent years as people slowly realized that there are more important things in life than keeping a laundry list of which bands have or have not “sold out.” Musically, their sound clearly influenced current acts like Turnstile and MSPAINT. Politically, their message inspired a generation of anti-authoritarian leftists. And, most importantly, they have the best song on the 1998 “Godzilla” soundtrack.

Although they’ve reunited for tours over the years, RATM’s studio albums were all released in a brief 8-year window. How do their records stack up against one another? Well, chug that Mountain Dew Code Red and tell your stepdad to fuck off, because it’s time for us to rank ‘em.

4. Renegades (2000)

“Renegades” has to go last, right? I am fond of this collection of off-the-wall covers, as Rage branched out musically to take on the likes of Eric B. and Rakim (sure), Minor Threat (yup), and Devo (wait, what?). You could always hear varied funk, punk, and hip-hop influences incorporated in Rage’s music, but “Renegades” is the furthest they ever leaned away from riff-heavy rap/rock to dip into those other genres. Some tracks are pretty forgettable (“Kick Out the Jams” is just a lesser version of the original, “Street Fighting Man” whiffs), but most of the album delivers, including standouts like “Microphone Fiend,” “The Ghost of Tom Joad,” and “How I Could Just Kill a Man.”

Play it again: “Maggie’s Farm”
Skip it: “Street Fighting Man”

3. The Battle of Los Angeles (1999)

Released when I was 12, “The Battle of Los Angeles” was my introduction to Rage. Buoyed by massive radio hits “Guerrilla Radio,” “Testify,” and “Sleep Now in the Fire,” the first half of the album is as KROQ-ready as their debut. The second half is full of B-sides in which de la Rocha’s insightful, literary verses serve as the fuse that lights Morello’s monumental riffs and eccentric solos (“Maria,” “New Millenium Homes,” and “Ashes in the Fall”). I love this album, which features some of the band’s biggest and best songs, but I have it third because there’s an element of familiarity. If the first album originated Rage’s sound and the second album evolved it, this one serves as a refinement of what came before. But it still rips.

Play it again: “Guerilla Radio”
Skip it: “Born as Ghosts”

2. Evil Empire (1996)

RATM returned from the unexpected success of their debut with a classic second album attitude: “Evil Empire” is tighter and darker than its more enthusiastically pissed-off predecessor. Although it features one of their biggest hits (“Bulls on Parade”), the rest of the album is less radio-friendly (albeit still plenty accessible to the target audience of rebellious 7th graders who just learned about the concept of out-of-school suspension). Instead of simple anthemic refrains like “Fuck you, I won’t do what ya tell me!” Zack’s rallying cries on “Evil Empire” are cryptic, almost nightmarish (on “Tire Me,” he yelps, “I wanna be Jackie Onassis/I wanna wear a pair of dark sunglasses/I wanna be Jackie O/Oh, oh, oh, oh please don’t die!”). The album closes with my vote for most underrated RATM song, “Year of Tha Boomerang,” a groove-heavy track torn apart by a furious hardcore breakdown.

Play it again: “Year of Tha Boomerang”
Skip it: None (All killer, no filler: the biggest virtue of “Evil Empire” is a dark cohesive synergy unifying each track)

1. Self-Titled (1992)

Ranking a band’s albums in reverse chronological order is classic old-guy nostalgia pandering, but it’s also accurate in this case. You’ve gotta admire the confidence Rage had right out of the gate: Using a famous photograph of a monk lighting himself on fire for your debut album cover is, among other things, pretty brash. Like, I bet Weezer wasn’t sitting around debating whether to use pictures of Vietnam War napalm attacks as the Blue Album cover art. Though I love the entirety of their succinct discography, RATM’s self-titled ranks first. From the bombast of opener “Bombtrack,” to the angsty rebellion of “Killing in the Name,” to the funky breakdown of “Bullet in the Head,” Rage was already conceptually focused and sonically dynamic on this album released just one year after their formation. Garth Richardson’s production is stellar, perfectly capturing each guttural growl, towering riff, and radical bassline.

Play it again: Aside from the better-known A-sides, let’s give a nod to the underrated “Township Rebellion”
Skip it: “Settle for Nothing” (I bet even Paul Ryan skips this song on chest day)

10 Bands Whose Names Don’t Match Their Sound and Frankly it Makes Us So Mad We Lit Our Car on Fire

“Never judge a book by its cover” is the type of thing a dickhead teacher says to a student to try to get them to read a real snoozefest like the 1911 slog novel Ethan Frome. But unfortunately, it’s pretty good advice and applies to music as well. Never judge a band by their name, because you may miss out on some surprising tunes, like these bands below. We also want to point out to any insurance agents reading this that the car fire was accidental and they should fully reimburse us. ’94 Honda Civics aren’t cheap.

Murder by Death

WHAT YOU EXPECT: The heaviest, most pants-shittingest death metal.

WHAT YOU GET: Fantastic Americana gothic alt-rock tunes perfect for soundtracking your worsening bourbon habit.

Megadeth

WHAT YOU EXPECT: Tthroat-shredding, vomitous vocals gurgling above chainsaw guitar tones, all backed with heinous blast beats.

WHAT YOU GET: Winding technical thrash metal that never once veers towards the “death” end of the metal spectrum. Pretty light as far as metal goes.

SeeYouSpaceCowboy

WHAT YOU EXPECT: Anime-influenced techno pop possibly with Iron Maiden-esque galloping guitars and dueling solos.

WHAT YOU GET: Screamo excellence on par with the best from Blood Brothers, Fear Before
the March of Flames, and Orchid.

Rites of Spring

WHAT YOU EXPECT: Either straight-up classical or pastoral ambient primitive folk music.

WHAT YOU GET: Exquisite hardcore punk which somehow begat the entire emo movement.

Warpaint

WHAT YOU EXPECT: Either NYHC or some variation of slam/beatdown hardcore.

WHAT YOU GET: Trippy, atmospheric indie jams with a fantastic sense of melody.

Strung Out

WHAT YOU EXPECT: Slacker indie a la Pavement, or lazy whiteboy reggae like 311, Pepper, or Slightly Stoopid.

WHAT YOU GET: Intense melodic punk injected with intricate guitar fretboard workouts that might make Yngwie Malmsteen jealous.

Jeff Rosenstock

WHAT YOU EXPECT: Anytime a musician just goes by their first and last name, I expect to hear a singer/songwriter with an acoustic guitar and a Masters Degree in English.

WHAT YOU GET: Anthemic Bruce Springsteen-influenced punk shout-alongs that will make you yearn for your teens and a fresh start.

The Devin Townsend Project

WHAT YOU EXPECT: The most anemic, sexless, technically impressive jazz quartet this side of the Mahavishnu Orchestra.

WHAT YOU GET: Progressive metal with a much bigger emphasis on fun than other similar acts like Dream Theater.

Los Campesinos!

WHAT YOU EXPECT: Either some Latin-influenced jazz, or a very throwback ’80s punk sound.

WHAT YOU GET: Literary verbose sadboi indie rock that you always seem to rediscover just after getting dumped again.

Reggie & the Full Effect

WHAT YOU EXPECT: Funk. Glorious funk so groovy that it makes you mom get up and dance at a wedding.

WHAT YOU GET: Hard-edged emo pop-punk which alternates between pure goofiness and seriously dark subject matter.

Photos by Julio Enriquez, Ferran, Smial, Amber

Mom’s Anecdote Paused Indefinitely as She Tries to Pinpoint Date It Took Place

STERLING, Va. — Well-meaning local mother Marla-Sue Crenna reportedly left a record-breaking lull in the story she was in the middle of telling as she attempted to get all the details correct, exasperated sources confirmed.

“I know it was either a Tuesday or a Saturday…Or if it wasn’t either of those it was a Wednesday. But, then again, it was around 7:15, which is when I typically go to Zumba, so then it couldn’t have been a Wednesday,” said Crenna, still searching in vain as if it were of any importance. “Oh! Or wait, now…could that have been the week Zumba was canceled because the room was double booked! But it was most certainly 7:15, or, well gosh, even 7:45, now that I think about it. Hmmm. One moment, let me ask your stepfather, he might know, he’s good with these things.”

Family members being told the story report exceeding frustration with Crenna’s almost pathological desire to get the details right.

“I’ve tried telling her over and over that the exact date and time of day doesn’t usually matter when you’re telling a story, especially the kind she tells. I mean, ‘Tuesday or Saturday?’ What do I care?! Those are so far from each other!” said Crenna’s daughter Amelia, visiting from college. “She already took 15 minutes drumming up the who and the where, I’ll be back on campus by the time she hits the when. This should be a two-minute anecdote, that’s shaping up to be feature length!”

Storytelling and Folklore Professor Dudley Doherty indicated that a need for specificity is quite common in the parent anecdote.

“Oh my, yes, there’s a long history of parents finding it necessary to get every detail in an anecdote correct. In fact, if you go back as far as the Paleolithic age, you can even see it in the cave drawings parents were doing. These long, blank ‘pauses’ between etchings of mammoths, and even ones where the mammoths are crossed out and replaced with a bird after they’d second-guessed themselves,” said Doherty. “It’s quite fascinating, especially speaking as a recent parent myself. In fact, did I say the Paleolithic before? I think it may have…yeah, it may have been the Mesolithic. No, Paleolithic is correct…although, wait a minute…”

Several hours later, it was revealed that the anecdote in question was actually just a plot synopsis of an “Abbott Elementary” episode she had enjoyed.

God Fucking Damn It: Mom’s Friend Comparing Your Dream as an Artist to Her Jewelry-Making Business Again

Here the fuck we go again. You swore if mom’s friend Gwen compared your music career to her jewelry business one more time you would end it all, but here she is now in the living room, grabbing your wrist and telling you it’s all about connecting with people. Whether it’s making music or trying to get “Coastal Jewelry by Gwen” off the ground.

“All art is exactly the same,” she said. You replied, “I don’t know if it’s exactly—” to which she swiftly retorted, “No. Exactly the same.”

This isn’t the first time she’s hit you with this bullshit. Last time you saw her, she called your bandmates your “posse” and compared them to her son and his friends who have been helping her print shipping labels. I mean, what the fuck?

The truth is, you can’t expect her to understand. You are nothing like Gwen. This isn’t just some bracelet company you’re working on. You are a real artist. You make things that comment on society and the state of the world today. Plus, your band has made over $200, which eclipses Gwen’s measly $150.

“Working on any projects right now? Can I catch a sneak-peak?” she asks. You declined but your heartless mother makes you show her anyway.

You should have known better than to share Ambient Noise and Screaming because after thirty seconds of silence Gwen says, “The important thing is that you’re going after your passion. Whether or not people like it is a totally different story.”

Fuck!!

Before leaving, Gwen takes a moment to give you one more piece of advice, “artist to artist.” She graciously imparts the following wisdom, “If you ever feel like giving up, just remember everyone has felt that way. Even me. You giving up music would be like me giving up on making wine cork earrings. And we all know how crazy that would be!”

DIY Bro Invents Elaborate, Edgy Origin Story to Cover Up Fact He Discovered Favorite Songwriter on TikTok

WEST CHESTER, Penn. — Self-proclaimed “DIY bro” Clifton Mansfield reportedly concocted a convoluted and completely fictitious backstory as to how he discovered his favorite new songwriter, sources who aren’t fooling anyone confirmed.

“So, I was totally at this, like, underground punk house show, when I saw this guy Petey play for the first time. It blew my mind! Yeah it was real punk rock shit like that, and definitely not me mindlessly flipping through TikToks during a particularly difficult poop,” regaled Mansfield while wiping away panic sweat from his forehead. “You believe me, right? I mean, I’m a real ‘DIY or die’ dude. I discover music the old-fashioned way: in a collapsing basement venue through a haze of store-brand cough syrup. That’s fucking punk!”

Despite his best efforts, sources close to Mansfield continue to express disbelief of his farcical claims as to how he discovered Stanky Lewis.

“As much as Clifton tries to convince us that he found out about Petey at, as he describes it, ‘basically fight club,’ we all know it was actually one of the ‘Puff Sullivan’ videos,” remarked friend Sarah Hawthorne. “Personally, I don’t see any shame in finding new artists through social media. But for whatever reason Clifton just needs us all to believe he ‘got jumped by shiftless skinheads’ the same night he started listening to Petey on Spotify. I guess it’s harmless, but unnecessary nonetheless.”

Social media influencer Gareth Glimmers, who is currently blowing up on whatever Vine turned into, gave their perspective on finding artists through these platforms.

“Look, it’s rough out there. People can’t be expected to drag their asses out to shows all the time and also bother to pay attention to the opening band. What kind of sociopath would even conceive of such a thing?!” said Glimmers, who sources have confirmed is extra. “Social media is a pipeline to get content directly into people’s eye and ear holes, and you control it all – what’s more DIY than that? But if some people still need to act like they found their favorite folk punk song because they got drunk and went to a show in a corn maze, hey, more power to ‘em. I still get that ad money either way.”

At press time, Mansfield’s story now, inexplicably, involves ninjas.

People Who Waste Time Publicly Hating Brand Publicly Hated On By Brand Who Wastes Time Hating Them Back

LOS ANGELES — Internet commenters who enjoy wasting their valuable time leaving snide remarks on social media posts by canned beverage purveyors Liquid Death were shocked to see the company was willing to waste just as much time with a new music project, confirmed basement dwelling sources.

“When I first discovered Liquid Death I knew it had to be canned by Satan himself using water from a lake of fire. My mission in life was to make sure I left at least 30 negative Amazon reviews a day and I even pulled my kids out of school because I needed them to show me how to leave comments on Instagram,” said Marty Clemons. “I quit my job so I could do this full-time so when I saw they were releasing an entire record featuring some of my comments I thought to myself ‘Wow, they have too much time on their hands, get a life.’ Then I contacted a lawyer I saw on the TV because I firmly believe they are stealing my art.”

Liquid Death’s “Greatest Hates 3” includes 10 songs featuring uncensored comments by people like Clemons and performed by musicians such as Frank Iero, Lexie Papilion Tony Kanal, and Mark McGrath as well Tony Hawk, Chris Cole, and Jason Ellis.

“When I first got asked to work on the project I thought it was a gigantic waste of time for everyone involved. Then I realized that life itself is a giant waste of time and I might as well work on it while we all patiently wait for death,” said Liquid Death media producer Efram Willow. “Throughout the recording process, we kept asking ‘Why are we doing this? Who is this for?’ But as more comments poured in saying things like ‘anyone who drinks Liquid Death peaked in high school’ or ‘Whoever thought of this should get ripped apart by wild dogs’ we realized we needed to give these commenters a voice. It’s the right thing to do.”

Other brands facing similar negative backlash to their products applauded Liquid Death for their commitment to time wasting.

“Normally when we get a negative comment I’ll just block the user and move on. Sometimes they are really mean, like when they threaten to crap in our mouths for selling shirts with an anime version of a ‘Sopranos’ character on them,” said t-shirt designer Amy Tigard. “The fact Liquid Death is willing to use some of the limited time we have on this Earth to write and produce full songs to hold a mirror to these trolls is truly impressive. I have better things to do, like hanging out with my dog. But good on them.”

At press time, the negative comments being made about Liquid Death’s “Greatest Hates 3” are expected to be used on a B-sides album out later this summer.

You can waste even more of your time by listening to the record here, and purchasing it on vinyl here.

Greatest Hates Vol. 3 Limited Edition Vinyl

Man Still Adamant “Talk Dirty to Me” is a Masterpiece Even After Hour 7 of Being Tortured by Pitchfork Editors

RENO, Nev. – Local music fan Roger Dalton remains steadfast in his opinion that Poison’s seminal hit “Talk Dirty to Me” is a “fucking jam” even after a full day of physical and psychological torture by Pitchfork editors, confirmed sources who investigate war crimes.

“I refuse to give in to the notion that ‘Talk Dirty to Me’ is anything other than a lyrical and compositional masterpiece, no matter how hard these fuckers try,” Dalton said while bleeding profusely from the mouth, ears, and toenails. “They’ve beaten me to a pulp, shocked my nuts, and spent hours playing Maneskin at a volume that legitimately made my ears implode, but I will not relent. Poison may across the board be pretty lame, but you cannot deny that song absolutely rips. It’s perfect and these beanie-wearing, Anthony Fantano-worshiping high-horse snobs will get a confession over my dead body. Which is seemingly increasingly likely.”

The Pitchfork editor and interrogation leader known only as Shady was adamant that his acts against the Geneva Conventions were perfectly acceptable and in line with the values of his publication.

“We will not stand for this sort of highly publicized bad taste,” said Shady using the help of a vocal modulator and wearing a Carhartt balaclava. “Poison regularly ranks as the worst of ‘80s dad rock, and my organization is committed to wiping out positive reviews of their work, even if the song in question is the perfect summertime bop. Now if you’ll excuse me, my water is boiling and I have some flesh to melt.”

FBI Hostage Negotiator William McCargo is intimately familiar with the situation happening in Reno.

“I’ve seen these guys’ work before, and it’s always an intensely difficult case to crack,” said McCargo while watching the entrance to the secret underground cave in which the torture was taking place. “To be frank, I had to be put on administrative leave after the last time I ran into the Forkers. I found the corpse of a man on a pike, with the phrase ‘KISS APOLOGIST’ scrawled in blood on the ground. It gave me complex PTSD. Anyway, let’s hope this guy is still alive in there, fighting the good fight.”

At press time, Dalton was in the midst of being rescued by a large group of Gen X dads with barbed wire armband tattoos and persecution complexes.