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Mom Worried About You Living in City Unaware Most Dangerous Place You Lived Was Childhood Home

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Local worry-stricken mother Deborah Gale is desperately pleading with her adult son Stephen Gale to leave his New York City apartment for “somewhere safer,” apparently unaware his childhood home was the most dangerous place he’d ever lived, sources reported.

“As far as I know, none of my roommates have restraining orders against them, which already gives them a one-up on my dad,” said the 21-year-old son. “My mom has an irrational fear I’ll step on a dirty needle at the beach or take fentanyl-laced drugs. Where was this level of concern the day I ingested a little cocaine I found in her purse as a child? I think she called her hairdresser for advice instead of poison control.”

The mother of three hopes he moves home so the family can relive the days of sitting around the fireplace together before eventually pissing off dad and getting an ass whooping.

“Maybe we weren’t a perfect family,” said Gale, “but show me a father who hasn’t drunkenly run over the neighbor’s mailbox and I’ll show you a liar. How does it make him feel to know his mother lies awake all night wondering if he’s been stabbed to death in an alleyway or had his arm ripped off while hailing a cab? I hope he carries a weapon. I’d give him my pepper spray but I need it for when his older brother flies into one of his roid rages.”

While there is an increased risk of living in major metropolitan areas, parents can rest assured knowing city life is nowhere near as traumatizing as the 18 years their children spent trapped with them in psychological warfare at the end of a cul-de-sac.

“St. Louis is the second most dangerous city to live in America, only behind the house you grew up in,” said Emma Powell, a sociologist at Rutgers Research Institute. “Parents concerned with the crime rate in urban areas should know the poor coping mechanisms they instilled in their children at an early age like hyper-vigilance and emotional numbness actually make them perfect candidates for city life.”

At press time, Stephen was seen meeting his mother half way by getting his car registered upstate to save money on insurance.