STOCKHOLM, Sweden — Spotify announced they are releasing a new premium feature for parents that will filter kids’ songs out of your Spotify Wrapped year-end playlist, sources confirmed.
“We know you already have a family account. But our user data suggest you’re not logging out and back into your kid’s account as you desperately search for the Trolls Holiday soundtrack. And our audio data suggests that your kid will keep screaming relentlessly until you find it,” said Cleo Berger, a representative from Spotify’s PR team, wondering if she had just revealed too much. “That’s why we are releasing this incredible new feature. For a small extra fee, we’ll scrub your profile of anything kid-related and leave your Wrapped full of only songs your friends will think are cool. We are also Beta testing a new program where you can just pay us to put whatever you want on your Wrapped, it’s been a hit so far.”
New parent Gabe Patterson laments that his meticulously curated Spotify Wrapped has changed so drastically.
“My Wrapped used to be so cool. I would braggingly send screenshots to all my friends and tease them for having Pop Rap in their top 5 genres. Now, Midwest Emo has been replaced by Bedtime Elmo,” said Patterson with a sigh. “I love my kid, but I really miss my algorithm. I mean, I used to get mad when it suggested the wrong era of math rock to me. Now it starts playing Cocomelon after Don Caballero. It’s a nightmare. So yes, of course, I’ve already upgraded, I don’t care how much it costs, it’s worth it.”
Donny Morris, a small-town record store owner, is no newcomer to these attempts to skirt the Wrapped system.
“Of course, they announced this feature. You think I haven’t witnessed folks’ desperation to game their Wrapped list? It’s basically an unspoken part of my job description. Buying the LP is the number one way to keep this precious data to yourself,” said Morris. “I’ve never asked a guy why he’s buying a Taylor Swift record from me, but somehow they always have an excuse chambered. So yes, I saw you sneakily purchase Midnights for your ‘girlfriend.’ And I also know why Taylor is mysteriously not part of that top artist screenshot on your Instagram.”
At press time, Spotify followed up on their announcement by noting that while your annual subscription will auto-renew, canceling is easy, and also, sometimes data leaks all by itself.
New Jersey’s Armor For Sleep formed at the beginning of this century, signed with Equal Vision Records shortly after, and released their debut “Dream to Make Believe” in 2003. While their first record is still a favorite amongst AFS fans, your opinion is objectively/subjectively wrong if you think it’s better in any way than its follow-up “What to Do When You Are Dead.” Produced by a man literally named after a machine named Machine, AFS’ sophomore full-length is a perfect example of how post-hardcore Snooki is. Machine killed it here and on the also underrated non-EVR release, Louisville, Kentucky’s alt-rocker act Emanuel’s “Soundtrack to a Headrush”.
Despite what one may think, chaos is catchy, and Michigan’s Bear vs. Shark easily have one of the top ten band names of all time. They released a record known as “Terrorhawk” that deserves your attention, money, reverence, and inclusion in The Bronx Zoo. Sadly, it’s a tossup as to whether this one or OWEL’s is the most underrated LP here, but happily, we predict at least one more stream to both acts because of our inclusions in this piece; you’re welcome, EVR, and we will take our commission from .0004 cents via Venmo, PayPal, Zelle, or an Arby’s gift card. Anyway, the band split right after “Terrorhawk” came out and we blame you. Happily, they reunited eleven years later and you had nothing to do with such.
West Chester, Pennsylvania’s The Color Fred was launched by, you guessed it, Fred “King of All Features” Mascherino in 2003. He took a backseat to his then-new gig in Taking Back Sunday shortly thereafter and released their first full-length studio album “Bend to Break” shortly after Mr. Mascherino quit TBS. Produced by fellow Italian Lou “Is, Ie, Er, and/or T” Giordano, who also worked on Fred’s first of two TBS albums known as “Where You Want To Be” and Spice Girls’ underground masterpiece “Spiceworld,” “Bend to Break” is a must listen for tragically empty 2007 complainers in a 2023 Minnesota “aww shucks” accent world. If you disagree, get out! If not, we love to see you stay, and you should check out its sequel “A Year and Change”.
After vocalist Craig Owens was kicked out of the group, his presence was missed by fans of microphone wires, broken dreams, cute neck tattoos, and Detroit-style pizza crispy side crusters; basically, many Chiodos legionnaires feared the worst. Happily, to assuage said reservations, Brandon Bolmer, of Yesterdays Rising, replaced Owens, and helped make Chiodos’ third full-length “Illuminaudio” not only their most underrated LP in their catalog, but, hot take alert, their second best full-length album altogether. Sadly, Bolmer only lasted a few years in the frontman position, and they only created one album together, so he barely had a chance to showcase his strength to the masses. Fun opinion that doubles as a fact for Zeus: “Caves” should’ve brought the band to scene supremacy.
The Receiving End of Sirens are a band that deserves a never-ending uproarious clap, and its lead vocalist Casey Crescenzo justifies some heavy-handed finger snaps as well for his side project that ultimately became his primary one front and center called The Dear Hunter. You may or may not know too much about this band other than the fact that they have 2013 albums and counting, but the band’s fifth LP and first non-concept album “Migrant” deserves credence from the world all over for its romantic kiss of life accessibility that merges weird, symphony, melody, and catchiness better than most acts around this time. Don’t believe us? Whatever. Don’t look back, take a fifty-minute gap out of your day to let go of your sweet naivete, escape, disconnect, and spin this one from front to back. There are a number of anomalies in the present system.
We’re never, ever going to be over it, but sadly, Florida’s Never Loved is no more, but you can still check out their short catalog of one LP, one EP, and several singles while you unload the dishwasher that is on its last leg(s). If you have the choice between said options, we encourage you to listen to the band’s first and only full-length studio album “Over It.” If you want to have empirical cred data for this record, check out what we say after this semicolon; Matt Squire, producer for Panic! at the Disco, and Nick Wheeler, guitarist for The All-American Rejects, both had their hands all over this effort. While Never Loved is lost and gone astray, frontman Cameron Knopp also tours with the aforementioned Armor For Sleep and launched a new project for Equal Vision Records called White Ferrari.
Jawbreaker’s “Dear You” and OWEL’s “Dear Me” have so much more in common than the specific word “Dear,” and the particular subject of “you” or “me,” as both studio albums didn’t receive much fanfare once released, and now Jawbreaker’s effort, nearly thirty years after the fact, gets more love than ever before, so we are putting it out into the universe that we hope that we can say the same for New Jersey’s OWEL in 2045. The band’s intense in the best way live show takes each viewer and listener to places formerly uncharted in a small to medium room live setting, and more than half of the songs on “Dear Me” are five-plus minutes long, with little to no filler in each composition. Plus, its creepy, haunting, gorgeous, and black and white album cover looks like an upcoming PG-13 YA movie with mad merchandise tie-ins at Hot Topic.
Dude! Sweet! Fans of hard drugs, visible tattoos on hands and from the chest up, sweet sweet technically technically proficient instrumentals, and/or Steve “I Lost To Ralph Macchio” Vai would love the eff out of Plano, Texas’ Polyphia, who explode higher towards the solar system with each new song and release. “New Levels New Devils” is the last of three LPs for EVR, and the band definitely went out in style with this perfect effort prior to exiting the label for Rise Records. Basically, they’re nasty, bad, the BOATS, and the GOATS. If you want to hear what Mix Master Mike would sound like if he switched his two turntables and a microphone for several multi-stringed guitars, pinched harmonics, a funky in a non-corny way bass, and a drummer that lost his damn mind, check out this record and their three other LPs. YAS, rich kids are so strange.
Speaking of vurey herd drergs, we’d like to introduce you to a lil rock and roll for your heart and soul group called The Sound of Animals Fighting, just another heretic disputing the existence of a horse, the sky, Antarctica, and a bad little baby girl named Tula. Personnel here on “Lover, the Lord has Left Us…” for this slightly revolving door supergroup with masked individuals but not maggots include members of Rx Bandits, Good Old War, The Autumns, and Iron Butterfly, and TSOAF seemingly effortlessly creates music that unapologetically showcases an ample amount of curiously concerned effort. This particular record with a surprisingly high (to some) legacy is the act’s sophomore release, and they’ve only put out one more full-length on Epitaph Records and EP via Born Losers Records since, proving that small things can come in big packages.
Let’s end this underrated EVR album piece with a sad shout-out to Kyle Pavone, the late clean vocalist for Troy, Michigan’s We Came As Romans, who passed away at twenty-eight in 2018, leaving a strong sonic ghost legacy behind over the course of five brutally catchy LPs. WCAR’s third record “Tracing Back Roots” is his and the band’s finest hour on Equal Vision Records, and it’s truly difficult to find a metalcore track that encapsulates the 2010s more than “Hope”. Also, another note worth mentioning is that this effort is highly positive, making a 2023 listen more bitter than sweet. In closing, through the darkest dark and brightest bright, Pavone’s voice will never fade away. If you want a smile to counter this cry, check out WCAR’s T-$wift cover of “I Knew You Were Trouble,” which came out just one year after this LP.
It’s the Trump cameo. It’s a time bomb. It’s gonna do to your family what that homeless lady’s birds did to the Wet Bandits. Avoid.
Hughes was allegedly shocked his name was even on the credits for this one, claiming this mess of a comedy/slasher mashup bore no resemblance at all to his initial script. It’s not even available on any streaming service except Dailymotion, and if your family movie night involves Dailymotion you guys are already broken beyond repair.
No matter how dumb your family is they deserve better than 2001 CGI effects. We all deserve better.
Apparently this was an attempt to give Tommy Lee Jones his own Indiana Jones-type franchise. Not much of a surprise Hughes wound up wanting his name off of it. If someone in your family wants you all to gather around and watch a swashbuckling Tommy Lee Jones you really need to put that person under a microscope before they hurt someone.
This movie is so bad it’s frightening and confusing. The cultural divide already has your family on a razor’s edge, don’t put them through “Flubber” dude.
This one is objectively bad, but there’s always some asshole in every family that will support Chevy Chase, by all accounts a horrible person, no matter what. It’s usually a guy, he’s usually older, he’s usually dad and you’re tired of his bullshit!
It’s a live-action remake of a Disney animated classic, and while it’s nowhere near as awful as the slew of others that followed it, it opens the door to putting one of those on for a double feature that will end in at least a shoving match.
No no no WHO THE FUCK GAVE MOM THE REMOTE?!
1991 saw John Hughes write three movies dealing with class relations. It’s a subject he touched on pretty effectively in his earlier films, like “The Breakfast Club,” but his takes didn’t exactly become more nuanced once he started making “Home Alone” money. In this one, he’s saying “Just because one person is poor and another is rich doesn’t mean they can’t fall in love if they are locked in a department store and forced to fight bad guys.” It’s unlikely to make your family feel closer.
“And when are YOU having a baby, hmmmmmm?” Yeah, hard fucking pass. You don’t need to have that conversation with your parents about how it’s irresponsible to bring a child into this world because they will just end up being a soldier in the upcoming war for water.
If you’re a ’90s kid, watching a child beat the shit out of Ed O’Neill for a whole movie might sound kind of cathartic, but he’s playing hard against the “Married With Children” type here and the kid is a huge dick.
Hughes just threw a few suits some stuff from his first, radically different draft of “Home Alone” and said, “Here, make more money I guess.” If your family even thinks about throwing this one on you guys are clearly just going through the motions, and some tensions need to surface.
It’s one of the movies that instantly comes to mind when you hear the name John Hughes, but just like a whitewashed elementary school Thanksgiving pageant, it hasn’t aged well. Racial stereotypes, harassment, sexual assault, it’s a cornucopia of things for your family to argue about.
Dennis vs. Mr. Wilson isn’t exactly going to help quell the generational divide already threatening to estrange your entire family unit.
All of those straight-to-VHS sequels were absolute drivel, but the original is hands down… uhm… well not much better honestly. Charles Grodin’s curmudgeonly schtick is always amusing, but it will be undercut by your dad’s grunting approval noises at all of his complaints. Still, Beethoven remains one of our finest dog actors.
The story of a man who processes a childhood trauma through a spree of vandalism. If it were done right it might quell your family’s latent appetite for destruction another year, but it’s severely hampered by a low budget and will probably just plant seeds.
“Pull the Thorns from Your Heart,” Senses Fail’s sixth studio album and first full-length for then-new label Pure Noise Records, current home to both The Story So Far and Fats Domino, is easily the biggest misstep in SF’s career, and even you trolls know we’re right. The LP had the misfortune of following up their most underrated album “Renacer,” and its majority sadly sounds like demos and B-Sides that never should’ve been unleashed on the world. On a more flattering note, and we say this with the courage of an open heart, we really dig its album cover, which is just as lavish as the studio, which they cut some of the record at. Also, the band recorded this album with Shaun Lopez of (Crosses), Far, The Revolution Smile, and Beethoven fame, but even Mr. Lopez couldn’t make good, great. Take refuge and surrender.
“The Fire,” Senses Fail’s fourth studio album, and last for a non-imprint of Vagrant Records, has some good songs, but the total vibe is just a sea of overall exhaustion and tiredness that sadly puts out any je ne sais quoi of a positive metaphorically fire burning. Overall, it is the band’s first disjointed and inconsistent LP, and we believe that it truly slightly set the group back, until they came back with guns and lifeboats swinging and Saint Anthony shipwrecking on the aforementioned “Renacer,” the band’s follow-up departure, in the best way, record. When Irish eyes are smiling, err, smile.
Surprisingly to many, and certainly you, but not us, Senses Fail is still going strong in the year of our lord known as 2023, and released their eighth album “Hell Is in Your Head” the year before to great reviews. This particular record is the first to be listed here with little filler in your head, and we’ll die on that hill via water, plasma, or fire, but likely go to heaven instead of hell once we pass on because we’re perfect. Like its former, and next to be mentioned “If There Is Light, It Will Find You,” this LP was produced by Saosin’s Beau Birchell, and Mr. B successfully chewed the fat and brought out the best in SF. We’re excited to see what’s next for the five-piece, as it will be number nine, number nine, number nine.
Lucky #7 album “If There Is Light, It Will Find You” was a nostalgic, yet “current,” return to form for Senses Fail, and a necessary restart of an engine that many in the scene thought was corroded and smelled like the New Jersey Turnpike. Spoiler alert: It wasn’t and it isn’t right now either as the band appears to be set on a path to “career” status. Would you have thought such in the mid-aughts? Don’t answer that because moving forward, it’s always going to be Senses Fail’s year! This effort is the band’s best for Pure Noise Records as well.
The word “renacer” is Spanish for “reborn,” the term “mi amor” means “my love,” and SF embodies a love reborn throughout this record’s twelve biting tracks, and especially with the song title, “Closure / Rebirth.” This is also SF’s second heaviest record, as the lowest ranked one, “Pull the Thorns from Your Heart” takes the crown, albeit with a more saturated fats, anti-antioxidants, and artery cloggers, so “Renacer” is also their best heavy, screamy, loud AF and brutal blegh bowel moving breakdown effort. Also, this LP is the band’s first and only record on Staple Records, an imprint of Vagrant Records that also featured Thrice, La Dispute, and James Brown, and last via the Vagrant familia.
As you know, a band only gets one chance to make their debut effort, and such can take almost a lifetime for some, OR a surprisingly short amount of time for others, but Senses Fail clearly supplanted their legacy in the Warped Tour mid-aughts post-hardcore/“screamo” world with their first album, and likely the majority’s intro to the NJ five-piece, the constantly misspelled “Let it Enfold You.” Produced by Steve Evetts, the man behind albums from Saves the Day and Ashlee Simpson, and a human who many bowed down reverentially to in the late-90s, the album debuted at thirty-four on the Billboard 100 and was certified gold, yes, gold.
Basically, this album was a perfect follow-up to their second record “Still Searching,” and an almost flawless one altogether. The band seemingly recently realized this album’s grower and not a shower legacy, and just got off a tour for the fifteenth, holy moly artichoke, anniversary of “Life Is Not a Waiting Room,” with openers Holding Absence, Thousand Below, and O-Town, and it needs to be mentioned via notarized contract here, that SF CONSTANTLY gives back to the rock world by taking smaller acts on the road with ‘em; much respect for the manner by which SF maps the streets of the scene as sort of elder statesmen.
“Still Searching” = Sophomore slump? Hell no. Even though every day is a struggle, we respond to said math inquiry by saying, “Far from it, priests, matadors, cars, and slap bracelets.” In addition, this is SF’s only “no skip” studio album, and producer Brian McTernan deserves crowded rooms of applause for successfully turning a group in mid-puberty to fully-grown competent and confident adults, which is more than showcased with better musicianship, lyrics, songs, and overall confidence; Maryland’s Salad Days Studio should get name-dropped almost as much as the states famous crab cakes.