BALTIMORE – Party guests reacted with visceral horror upon realizing their host intentionally purchased and offered them nearly 16 dozen cans of god awful flavored seltzer, disgusted sources confirmed.
“I’m not much of an alcohol drinker, so for parties I usually bring my own can of soda,” said party goer Tom Mitchell. “I was just about to fill a glass with water when Sean made a bee-line straight for me, I knew the look in his eyes, he can’t accept someone drinking water at a party. That’s when he showed me inside the fridge. There must have been 20 cases of the most fucked-up sparkling water flavors you can imagine. I tried to refuse, but then he went into all the kinds, like the problem was I just haven’t tried the right one yet. Like it fucking matters, they all taste terrible.”
Host Sean Scott had started planning the beverage spread weeks in advance.
“Back in college I’d just dump a bunch of Natty Light in a cooler and call it good. But I’ve built up a reputation of really going the extra mile with the bar cart situation,” said Scott while wistfully observing the sunlight through a glass of pilsner. “I know that not everyone wants booze, so I gotta make sure my sober friends have something unique for the palate. I was gonna do mocktails, but then I saw these seltzers and some of the flavors are just wild; Mango Peach Limeade, Cherry Watermelon Rhubarb…who wouldn’t love this stuff?”
Mixologist Kent Barnes of The Annapolis Yacht Club has experimented with exotic flavored seltzers, but has faced difficulty incorporating them into any cocktail.
“I’ve mixed that shit with everything imaginable and I just can’t make it taste good. I even mixed a Grape Tangerine Seltzer with Everclear and honestly, I prefer the burn of 180 proof grain alcohol to that horrible aftertaste,” Barnes said, noticeably wringing his bar rag tighter and tighter. “I wouldn’t let the seltzer beat me, but one night I had some high-roller bar patrons come in and I accidentally left a can out in plain sight. Within seconds they left, within hours the word was out. I’m finished…ruined. I may never serve another drink because of that cursed can.”
At press time, Scott was seen at Costco buying six cases of caffeinated seltzer.