Help! I Just Remembered My Karaoke Song Has That One Really High Note

Posted on by Jessica Lillian

Hey, uh, bit of a situation here. I’m a few measures into my song and just realized I made a grave mistake. The bridge has this one high note I forgot about that I can’t hit. Like, at all.

I’m not panicking just yet. I’ve got options. Now the easiest would be a natural disaster. Can someone check the weather app and see if there’s a violent lightning storm headed straight for Calvin’s Sing & Sizzle Shack in the next 90 seconds? Maybe a tsunami? Yes, I know we’re in Missouri. It’s the season of miracles, guys.

Fine. So maybe a “natural” disaster that’s not quite natural, if you catch my drift? I’m not suggesting arson, but look, if anyone wants to casually drop a lit match onto a table that just happens to be soaked in kerosene, I’d really appreciate it.

Right now would be perfect, my man in the front who looks like a chain smoker. I’ll pull the alarm and we’ll all get out safely, don’t worry. Light smoke inhalation and a second-degree burn will be less painful than hearing my tortured vocal cords try to wail out the upcoming high note, believe me.

Okay. Now we’ve hit the second verse and I’m sweating. Is it too late to drop an octave? I could do a gravelly growl. Whole grunge vibe, right? I feel like that cute girl at the table over there would be into it. She’s staring at me already, and I’m sure it’s not because of the gruesome pit stains expanding across my entire shirt.

Never mind, she’s leaving. The bridge is here, and it’s do or die. I choose to die. Someone hand me one of those chicken yakitori skewers coming out of the kitchen. After a few convincing guttural coughs and spit-out chicken bits, I just have to fling my mic down and frantically make the universal choking sign as I crumple onto the floor.

I think they’re buying it. A burly guy yelling he’s a part-time EMT is making his way over. Heimlich me to death, dude. Break every bone in my body. I never thought a fake choking episode flat on my back on a sticky faux wood floor that smells like garlic and tequila was how I’d go, but I’m ready. Send me to the big hibachi grill in the sky.

Hold up, the EMT says I’m “totally fine.” Now the owner’s coming over with a glass of water and everyone in the bar is cheering for me. You know what, change the song. I’m gonna do “Bohemian Rhapsody” instead.

Aging Anarcho-Punk Band Now Identifies More As Centrist Liberal Punk Band

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

SAN FRANCISCO — Members of renowned San Francisco Anarcho-Punk band Reagan Splinter announced that in the past few years, they’ve moved away from their original anarcho-punk label and now view themselves as a “centrist liberal punk band.”

“Something about San Francisco lately, it’s made me start to think maybe a little structure is what America needs,” said bassist and lead-singer Gordon Davis. “I used to sing songs about smashing the government, abolishing private property, and overthrowing Capitalism. You know, I wrote that one… ‘Guillotine the Bankers,’ that’s a really popular one at our shows. But that’s not me anymore. Now I live and let live. And also, I’ve really started to relate to the ‘Live, Laugh, Love’ mantra. And also I ‘Live Mas,’ because I’m sponsored by Taco Bell.”

Loyal fans like Seattle’s Jason Kelly have noticed a change in the band’s politics over the past few years.

“They no longer play ‘Every Politician Can Suck My Ass,” “Dead Whales,” or “Grandma Got Run Over by a Tank” at shows anymore because they claim those songs no longer represent their ethos. Last time I saw them live they actually had a table to get people registered to vote, it made me sick,” said Kelly. “I remember they used to do these abrasive punk covers of Phil Ochs songs. But now they reworked their song ‘Peace or Destruction’ as ‘Peace or We’re Voting.’ Then, they told us if we were going to go out and protest Israel, we should ‘Not get too crazy with it’ and to remember that ‘Cops are just doing their jobs.’ It was a really weird show.”

While most punk acts, especially ones with histories of violent lyrics and multiple arrests for trying to burn police cars, don’t often gain universal appeal, Reagan Splinter has gained one new loyal fan: U.S. Senator Joe Manchin.

“The thing about me is I never really cared about punk music,” said Senator Manchin. “And these guys… they used to make all these statements about how Congress has blood on its hands. Now they all tweet at us about income tax reform and making sure we have legislation that strengthens the middle class. And their music has just gotten better and better. They rock!”

At press time, Reagan Splinter were slated to play their newest song “Democracy is For the People” while appearing on “Real Time With Bill Maher.”

Dad Waiting for Lull at Christmas Dinner to Rant About Woke Mind Virus

Posted on by Doug Kolic

AUBURN, N.Y. – Local dad and notorious shit disturber Walter Morris patiently waited for a lull during his family’s lovely Christmas dinner to launch into a tirade about the woke mind virus, according to sources doing their best to keep the conversation flowing.

“This year I’m gonna bide my time and wait for my opportunity to pounce,” stated Morris who was champing at the bit to rant about topics like the increase in non-white & LGBTQ+ Disney characters. “I promised my wife I wouldn’t bring up anything I read on Reddit unless we ran out of things to talk about, but this is getting annoying. If there isn’t a break in this unending conversation soon, I won’t be able to warn everyone about the serious disease threatening the entire world, except for places like Russia and China who are thankfully fighting back for our collective freedom. I’ll just keep pounding these screwdrivers until I get my chance.”

Morris’ daughter Brooke described her family’s coordinated effort to keep her father quiet.

“We can’t give him an opening otherwise we’ll be listening to right-wing talking points all night,” said a dry-mouthed Brooke. “We’ve already discussed everything from the Icelandic volcano to intricate details about our dog’s intestinal issues, and there’s still two courses left. After dad ruined Christmas last year by going off about Hunter Biden’s laptop right in the middle of ‘It’s a Wonderful Life,’ we made a pact to shut his shit down as soon as possible otherwise we’ll be in for another long night.”

Linguistic expert Donna McMullin explained how pauses in conversation were dangerous when interacting with problematic family members.

“Some vultures use lulls in speech as a chance to spread their conspiracy theories to a captive audience,” she described. “The best thing you can do is to ignore them, but when up against repeat offenders like Mr. Morris, other methods like icing them out may be preferable. However, it’s important to note that these are potentially volatile people whose minds have been hijacked by extreme online rhetoric, so it won’t be easy. Worst comes to worst, you can always distract them by starting a small kitchen fire and calling the fire department.”

At press time, an extremely intoxicated Morris missed his opportunity when his family finally ran out of things to discuss, by which point he was slumped in his chair and mumbling to himself about pronouns.

40-Year-Old Could Still Really Use $10 Christmas Check From Grandmother

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

MADISON, Wis. — Local screen printer Peter Taylor admitted he could really use the $10 check his grandmother would send him every Christmas until her passing in 2008, confirmed sources close to the destitute man.

“I have a steady job but I’ll be brutally honest, between bills, rent, my cat needing kidney medication, and the overall price of living, ten bucks would really go a long way right about now,” Taylor explained while making a student loan payment. “Grandma has been dead for fifteen years now but I always think of her this time of year and how I wish she was still with us so she could help relieve some of my financial burden. It’s weird that I used to joke about how ten dollars was like nothing but now it would help me keep my head above water.”

Taylor’s parents feel their son is failing to remember all the other good traits of his grandmother.

“Peter seems to think his grandmother was just a cash cow and always talks about how reliable she was on his birthday and on Christmas. This from the kid who never went to visit her when she was alive. I think he’s just hinting that he wants us to send him money,” said Peter’s father Roger Taylor while relaxing by the lakeside of his second home. “What he should be doing is pulling himself by his bootstraps and doing an honest day’s work. By the time I was his age, I already paid off my house and had a healthy 401K, and I never got money from my grandparents. At least not until I inherited their money when they died.”

Economists, however, are noticing a trend in millennials and gen-xers pining for the days of getting money as a gift.

“Studies have actually shown that the money grandparents give for special occasions is what is keeping the economy afloat lately,” economist Dr. Patricia Barnes explained. “If these reserves of checks in a birthday card dried up then America would fall into a pretty severe depression. They may not know it, but when a Grandfather palms a twenty when he shakes his grandson’s hand, that is the backbone of the middle class.”

As of press time, Taylor was seen digging through piles of paperwork in hopes of finding the $50 savings bond his grandfather gave him when he was seven.

Crust Punk Santa Enters Home Through Garbage Disposal

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

AKRON, Ohio — Progressive-minded, but very smelly, children across the world woke up to gifts from Crust Punk Santa who enters family homes via the garbage disposal on Christmas Eve, eschewing traditional chimney routes.

“I’m fuckin’ stoked, man. Another year of bringing loosies, local zines and band pins to kids across the world,” replied Crust Punk Santa while fixing a broken amp. “I’m like the original DIY Santa. No one was on the scene before me, it’s a fuckin’ fact man. Everyone asks how I do it, I get that question all the time. It’s easy: I basically shred myself in the drainpipe and re-assemble myself in the sink. Kids get pretty freaked out when they see it, but we all need trauma in our life. Plus there’s usually some tasty leftovers in that garbage disposal so sometimes I get a free meal, know what I mean? These families are throwing away gold.”

5th grader Sara Lorraine Quigley of Harris-Jackson Elementary School shared her holiday experience seeing Crust Punk Santa last year.

“It was super scary. He had a mohawk and tons of patches on a camouflage jacket. The spikes on his belt left scratches on the metal sink that we’re still trying to get rid of,” Quigley shared from the jungle gym at recess. “He basically wandered around the kitchen looking for food and drank a bunch of PBRs my dad left in the fridge. That was especially rude since we left out Slim Jims and a Red Bull for him, per tradition. And then he left us a few gifts in a crumpled plastic bag on the floor. My gift was a cracked Driller Killer vinyl and a sweaty handkerchief. My brother got a plastic ashtray with a hand-drawn anarchy ‘A’ symbol, which I’m pretty jealous about.”

Scholar Jordan K. Dunne weighed in on the mythological origins of Crust Punk Santa.

“I’ve spent my entire career studying Christmas, diving into holiday mythos during all other eleven months of the year,” shared Dunne from his Christmas-themed office at the University of Akron. “It hasn’t always been milk and cookies, no sir! Studying ancient texts, we find that analogous figures to Crust Punk Santa appear throughout history. There was the festive ‘Bubonic Plague Santa’ who would enter hidden behind houseguests, plus an even older Santa famous for hiding in latrines or outhouses. In fact, some of our earliest holiday oral traditions center on allegories warning of ‘Shithouse Santa.’”

At press time, Crust Punk Santa is proudly displaying his new “sled,” which is a dumpster on wheels pulled by a scruffy senior dog that hates everyone.

Ticketmaster Exec Visited By Three Ghosts in the Night Charges Them $18 Service Fee

Posted on by Michael Luis

NEW YORK — High-ranking Ticketmaster executive Chuck Dickenson reportedly charged significant fees to three ghosts who were visiting to teach him a timely lesson about greed, sources close to the spirits confirmed.

“We’ve been visiting greedy people around the holidays for over a century now. We’ve had all sorts of reactions: fear, shock, occasional arousal, but no one’s ever charged us money for showing up,” said The Ghost of Christmas Present. “Dickenson said it was $10 for admission into his home, a $5 processing charge, and a $3 ‘convenience fee.’ I explained to him that traveling through the void between the dead and living is actually quite inconvenient but he wasn’t hearing it. We begrudgingly paid it because we’ve been wanting to see him for years but we didn’t feel great about it.”

Dickenson explained that his time comes with a high price that consumers, living or undead, should be willing to pay.

“Look, I’m a very busy man and my time comes at a premium. Between sending 30 minutes of emails, screaming at my deadbeat son, playing golf doubles with Bruce Springsteen, and snorting cocaine off an escort’s ass, I only have so much room for visitors,” said Dickenson. “I’m actually glad they came. Not only did I make a cool $54 that I plan on burning in front of a homeless child on Christmas day, they helped me come up with some great new ideas. When the Ghost of Christmas Past showed me memories of going to all-ages DIY halls as a teen, it reminded me of how many independent venues there are left for us to buy out.”

Economist Jacob Chapman-Hall noted this is the latest in a long history of ghastly visits failing to have their intended effect.

“The ‘three ghosts’ routine had a lot of success for a while, but the process has had a waning success rate since ‘The Big Scrooge’ in 1843,” said Chapman-Hall. “The mega-wealthy nowadays are simply too evil. When they visited Jeff Bezos a few years back, The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come accidentally gave him the idea for luxury space travel. Showing him a vision of the future helped him expedite the design of his personal rocket. We’re still not sure why it looks like a penis though.”

At press time, all three ghosts have retired after 10 minutes of trying to teach Elon Musk a lesson.

Ten Songs We’re Listening To This Week Because Our Families Haven’t Figured Out We Hijacked Their Bluetooth

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

It’s Christmas again, and your elderly family members still don’t understand how basic technology works. While you’re excited for free food, gifts, and general merriment, you’re not sure how many times you can hear ‘Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree’ before absolutely losing your entire fucking mind. Fortunately, you know which button disconnects your Dad’s phone from the Bluetooth speaker, allowing you to sneak in and work your influence on the entire gathering.

You’re sure to be filled with an overwhelming sense of freedom, mischief, and anxiety when you finally have the ability to play whatever you want while your uncle asks how much you make in a year. As our gift to you, we’ve taken the time to compile some of our favorite fringe holiday tunes that have gotten us through each and every hectic holiday season. Here are ten of our tried and true classics that are sure to make your family ask things like “was this song always this loud?” and “why are they yelling so much?”

Ginger Root “Linus n’ Lucy (Theme From Peanuts)”

It can be hard to read a room and select a song that will appeal to everyone but you absolutely can’t go wrong with a bit of music from America’s sole treasure ‘Peanuts.’ The lo-fi blips that permeate indie-soul act Ginger Root’s excellent cover of ‘Linus n’ Lucy’ will immediately have your Mom asking if something’s wrong with the speaker. A welcome distraction from her constant inquiries into your ex’s life and your lack of prospective dating partners.

My Chemical Romance “All I Want For Christmas Is You”

By this point in the year, you’ve likely heard Mariah Carey’s saccharine Christmas blockbuster upwards of a billion times. While you claim to hate the song, we all know it is scientifically engineered to drill itself into your already crumbling skull. There’s no shame in enjoying it considering you’ve been brainwashed to do exactly that. Still, MCR has you covered it you want to embrace the earworm in a more esoteric way.

Me First And The Gimme Gimmes “Santa Baby”

There are a lot of horny ass Christmas songs out there, but ‘Santa Baby’ might take the fruitcake. Still, it’s a classic and your family loves it for some depraved reason. It’s only natural that you immediately get the ick when it comes on. Playing the Me First And The Gimme Gimmes version in its place is a surefire way to eliminate the raw, sexual power of the original. Finally, your Grandma will be able to sing along without grossing out the entire family in the process.

Charly Bliss, PUP “It’s Christmas and I Fucking Miss You”

You don’t want your family to think you’re a dweeb that’s behind the times do you? It’s bad enough that you’re ‘in between jobs’ at the moment. You don’t want to fall even further from grace here, so make sure you work in this modern Christmas classic from two of the hippest pop-punk bands of the era. Chances are your hip asshole cousin will finally make eye contact with you when this hits the queue.

Reel Big Fish “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer”

If your family is anything like ours, they love polka music for some unknown reason. They also cannot for the life of them tell the difference between that genre and ska. For these reasons, Reel Big Fish’s cover of ‘Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer’ is sure to be a hit after a few egg nogs. Just resist the urge to teach your Grandpa how to skank. His hips aren’t what they used to be.

The Damned “There Ain’t No Sanity Clause”

Maybe it’s not the most Christmas-y song that ever existed, but let’s be real: family events are stressful and you’re gonna want to listen to the Damned at some point. When your uncle presses you on whether or not it’s actually a Christmas song, just tell him to go fuck himself and point out the second verse mentions the holiday by name.

Tenacious D/Sum 41 “Things I Want”

Last year your little brother remarked that there aren’t enough metal Christmas jams. You, unfortunately, were too stoned to remember this batshit crazy collaboration between Tenacious D and Sum 41 existed. It’s time to rectify past mistakes and toss this one on the playlist two, or maybe even three times. It’s been a hard year for your lil’ bro. He needs this.

Tyler, The Creator “You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch”

Perhaps one of the most brutal and unforgiving diss tracks ever written, ‘You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch,’ is an undisputed classic for a reason. If there’s anything people can appreciate over the holiday season, it’s kicking a man while he’s down over the course of three of the most insulting verses ever put to tape. Still, we’ve all heard the Tony The Tiger version (Google it) way too many times. Spice things up with the version by ‘that rap guy’ your Mom saw on the Grammy’s that one year.

100 Gecs “sympathy 4 the grinch”

Maybe you feel bad about putting on a track that calls a sad, lonely, man colder than a ‘seasick crocodile.’ Don’t worry. Your little sister’s all-time favorite hyper-pop group, 100 Gecs, has the perfect counter-argument. Maybe the Grinch was such a dick because nobody ever showered him with gifts? You ever think about that, you selfish fuck? It’s also the perfect song to make your parents feel like shit for not getting you a PlayStation in 1995.

Ramones “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight)”

It’s best to put this one on before your Aunt gets buzzed enough to remember that your Mom called her a bitch in 1987. She’s never let it go, and the holidays are seemingly always the best time to bring it up. If you don’t let Joey take the floor to espouse a message of unity and love, you might find yourself in an even bigger brawl than last year.

We hope you have a good holiday. If you want a completely unhinged playlist to put on during your family function you can check on out here:

“Wow, You’ve Really Filled Out” and Other Backhanded Compliments for the Holidays

Posted on by Brad Lester

It’s that special time of year, a time when we gather those we hold dear to our hearts and celebrate everything past, present, and future that makes us love one another. Or – in the case of most typically dysfunctional families – engage in a delicate ballet of passive aggression as we meander through the obligational minefield of blood relation. To make things a little easier, The Hard Times has gathered a few backhanded compliments to give your dickhead Uncle something to really ponder over on the way back to Sheboygan.

“Wow, you’ve really filled out since I last saw you”

A classic in the game of sowing self-doubt, this bad boy can be used on any family member of any age. There’s never a bad time to bring the jersey down from the rafters. Other variants include, “That wife must be a good cook!”, or “Penn State must have a great dining hall.” For maximum effect, we recommend using it on someone who has noticeably lost weight.

“I love your unique taste”

Don’t worry they’ll know you’re taking a stab at that ridiculous-looking coat, or the rotary telephone they appear to have tried to turn into wall art. This one applies well across generational extremes – take aim at a Thomas Kincaid painting, or someone who obviously fancies themselves a Goodwill aficionado.

“I think it’s badass that you cut your own hair”

A great jab at the narcissist in the family, this shot is best taken at the first sight of bangs. Should you maybe hold your tongue at an obvious and tragic “haircut gone wrong” situation? Probably. Should she have even attempted that look with that round face? Absolutely the fuck not. Speak your backhanded truth.

“It’s good to see all that acne finally cleared up”

The longer it’s been since they had acne, the more sting you can apply here – a naive college student may actually find this one to be genuinely pleasant. Beware, however, as you may find braver subjects lifting their shirts to show their backs and reveal the fact that it has not, in fact, cleared up.

“I’m so jealous of how comfortable you look all the time”

The greasy hair, the baggy sweatpants, the dog hair-covered hoodie – we all know who we’re talking about, and deep down we might actually envy their ability to seemingly weaponize their laziness toward every collared shirt in the room during the holidays. But that’s no reason to let them or their deerskin slippers walk away unscathed. Make them uncomfortable.

“Kudos to you for staying single this long”

The older the subject here, the brighter the burn. Being hurtled through this mortal coil devoid of any romantic meaning is not something that could realistically be painted in a positive light, but by God, you’re going to get your kicks somehow. (Bonus points if you start rattling off about a litany of your own romantic interests.)

“It’s so great that you guys are still making things work after… well, you know”

At a first glance, this one might come off as very specific – a reference to a couple’s tendency to argue, some publicized financial woes, or that thing with your rich asshole brother’s au pair. But this one in particular is even more fun if no family drama is present, as you can watch as the, “What the fuck is he talking about?” conversation quietly unfolds in the corner after dinner.

“It’s awesome to see someone get a degree that isn’t for a paycheck”

Sure STEM majors will find quality jobs, and maybe they’ll get decent credit scores and housing opportunities as a result. However, for cousin Angie and her Art History degree, there’s no better reason to plunge into $120,000 of debt before drinking age than passion. Let her know it’s great that she’s in it for the love of the game, as long as she understands the “game” is crippling debt.

“I can barely smell the cats at all this year”

Yeah, we also winced when Mom said everyone was meeting at Debbie’s for Christmas Eve this year. No one in their right mind needs nine fucking cats. That’s 91 lives, for God’s sakes. She’ll love hearing that it smells a lot less like piss this time around, but it’s important she knows it definitely still smells like piss.

“Watching you kill that fifth of Jäger and fighting those carolers last Christmas is my favorite holiday memory”

Gotta be honest here, nothing backhanded about this one. Your brother-in-law Bret really is just a total fucking badass. You know how heavy your hands have to be to get blacklisted by the Methodist Church? They’d take donations from Satan. We’d recommend bringing a fifth of that good ol’ fashioned German sunrise to every holiday, in case you need Bret to sort some shit out with those lunchbox fists.

“I bet you could give that bastard Joey Chestnut a run for his money”

You can’t serve 100 Nathan’s hotdogs for Christmas dinner, but we’re as certain as you are that Uncle Arnie would tear that shit up in world record time. Anyone who is finishing off the snot-rimmed plates left at the kid’s table needs to understand what an insatiable animal they truly are. Competitive eating is obviously just a way of life for some.

“Your plastic surgeon has REALLY turned things around for you”

Nature is an unstoppable tide – people get old, they start to look like disgusting shit. So it’s always interesting seeing a loved one go from looking like the Crypt-Keeper, to looking like the Crypt-Keeper with pouty lips and significantly larger breasts. And while it’s definitely not your thing, I guess it does technically qualify as an improvement.

“I wish I had dentures like you, they seem so cool”

A nice cheap shot at the elderly, this is best followed up by a long explanation of what a burden teeth are. Of course, your explanation should double as a list of all the reasons having your teeth attached to your head is superior in every way. Think of it like a dental humblebrag.

“I knew you’d beat that DUI charge – now Uncle Steve owes me $200 bucks”

We’re not trying to gas Bret up any more than we already have, but he beat those charges harder than he beat those two baritones last Christmas, and won you $200 dollars in the process. What can’t this guy do? Next Christmas, we’re gifting him a cruise (and a fifth of Jäger, of course).

“I had a surprisingly good time this year”

Leave them with a slow burn. Expectations were low, and they should know it. But with a full belly, $200 in your pocket (thanks, Bret), and not-so-subtle jabs for each of your family members to chew on for the next few days, it would be hard not to call this holiday a success. Another one down, 364 days to practice for next year.

Happy Holidays!

Young Musician Still Looks Up to Older Musician by Ignoring Everything They’ve Said and Done the Last 15 Years

Posted on by Lana Schwartz

MINNEAPOLIS – Young musician Carrie Weaver miraculously discovered that the only way they can remain in awe of their grizzled punk mentor Karen Cunt is by pretending they haven’t heard a word they’ve said or learned of anything they’ve done in the last 15 years, confirmed multiple thriving sources.

“I feel so much better knowing I’ve figured out a way to still keep this special bond with someone I understand to be a despicable person. Is she still my favorite musician? Of course, absolutely. Do I follow her on social media or have I seen her on tour in the last 15 years? No way,” Weaver said. “If she does an interview I make sure I block any accounts that try to share it so I don’t accidentally see what she’s saying about politics, social issues, or even what television shows she likes. This is the only way I’ll still be able to enjoy the albums that got me through high school and college, don’t take this away from me.”

Despite Weaver’s detachment from Cunt, the older artist remains confident in their relationships with younger musicians.

“You know, a lot of musicians aren’t as keen as I am to give younger musicians advice. I’m really proud to see the way people I’ve mentored over the years are fucking rocking it. For so long they would scream and cry for my attention and now it’s hard to get a text back, even though I send them lots of helpful articles about the shit they put in our vaccines and how 5G messes you up,” said the singer-songwriter. “They don’t always answer, but you know how bad young people are at technology. I’m just glad I can still be so involved in shaping the next generation by sharing screenshots I found on Reddit with information they absolutely need to know before the lizard people take over.”

Rock critic and historian Erica Cruz is relieved that younger musicians are no longer taking cues from their predecessors.

“This is a really tricky time for young musicians, who basically have no choice but to make music completely derivative of their favorite artist and then pretend they never existed,” said Cruz. “I’m impressed by new, innovative ways and the lengths they’ll go to ignore news about this artist – be it loudly changing the subject when someone brings them up or even walking out of the room. I think it really bodes well for the future of rock and roll.

At press time, Weaver surrendered all her electronic devices and plans to move deep into the woods after hearing Cunt is planning a “no holds barred” comedy tour.

Really? The Ghost Of Christmas Past Had To Bring Up That Time I Sharted

Posted on by Jordan Liffengren

Listen, I know I can be a jerk sometimes, but there was absolutely no reason that the Ghost of Christmas Past had to bother me in the middle of the night, on Christmas Eve no less, just to bring up that time that I sharted.

There I was, casually opening my neighbors’ mail to see if anyone had sent them any cash, or a family photo that I could put on my fridge to make it look like I had friends. Then there was a sudden flash and BOOM! There he was—The Ghost of Christmas Past, standing in my living room looking real smug and obnoxious.

Then this ghastly apparition has the nerve to say to me “I’ve had enough of your mean-spirited nature. It’s time to pay the piper,” I didn’t even have time for a good one-liner about his receding hairline before he whisked me back to a bunch of memories where I screwed some dumb shit up.

We watched as I stole cash out of the tip jar at my favorite coffee shop, then there was the time I stole my dad’s heart medication because I thought it might get me high, and when I ditched my daughter’s ballet recital so I could stay home to binge drink and watch “Judge Judy.” It was fucking cold that night, I don’t get what the big deal is.

The third memory was last Christmas Eve. I was just at home alone, taking Nyquil shots and minding my own business. Although, I did have… a little accident.

“Sorry, what are we doing here?” I asked.

“I thought you should know,” the Ghost said.

Then the ghost and I peered through the window of my apartment as I sat there alone. And yeah, I let out a little fart that turned out to be a little more than expected. We’ve all done it. It’s not even that big of a deal.

“I watched you let out a fart and accidentally shit yourself, you scumbag. It smelled rotten, like something died inside of you three months earlier,” said the ghoulish figure.

“Seriously?” I said. “I didn’t even do anything wrong that night. Why would you bring that up?”

“I honestly can’t believe you did that. You acted like everything was fine after, too. You’re a grown man with kids. A mortgage and a wife. Get your shit together, dude. What are you doing? Most logical people would get up and at least go wipe, personally I would have taken a quick shower. But you just sat there, in your own filth just ruining your ‘favorite’ chair.”

“I had two Arby’s Beef ‘N Cheddars that day, okay?!” I said. “There’s so many other places you could have brought me! What about the Christmas Eve when I left a puppy on the side of the road? Or the one when I threw my cigarette butt directly into that orphanage, setting it on fire?”

“I should be the least scary thing haunting you after the shart,” the Ghost of Christmas past said. He disappeared in another flash and BANG! I was left alone with my own thoughts.

I guess I better change. In a few days, maybe for New Year’s or even next year.